Prayer and Jackals

The Jackals have been on my mind a lot lately*. By that I mean I’ve thought about Anpu and Wepwawet. I know, I backed away from Wepwawet for a while. I felt like He was backing away too, but lo and behold He seems to be back in my head! It’s cool though, I like Wepwawet just as much as Anpu (though for different reasons I’ll admit). I wonder about what they’re all doing up there above my head though ya know? Four Netjer just talking about their myriad humans under their care. Although, with the Mysteries of Ausir going on now, I wonder if they’re talking about Him? I have never had the pleasure of interacting with Ausir, but I am privy to the attention of His wife, brother, and friend. I wonder if they’d have me do something, or tell me Interesting Things. Probably not, but one can ponder can’t they?

I’ve been thinking a lot about my path and my gods though. I don’t feel as close as I’d like to be and I really don’t know what to do about it. Yesterday I attended church with my Pop-Pop and realized a lot of things about Christianity and some jealousy I had. I mean, they have a lot of stuff set out for them that I lost when I turned away from the church. They also have a lot of stuff I’m glad I left. And there’s a lot of stuff that I realize they have problems with that I still struggle with now.

For instance, Christians have a living tradition with a plethora of songs, music, and various ways of praising and ritual. Want a LOT of ritual? Be a Catholic! Need singing? Baptist! Liturgy? I actually have no idea! Yeah, I only know a couple of the stereotypes for a couple of denominations. The point here is, you can easily get community and music and song (did I mention I love singing for deity and that it kills me that I have nothing to sing for them?) and as a bonus there are instructions for life and such that are reasonably easy to understand much of the time. Not supreme ambiguity for how to live rightly. Then again I suppose that’s up for grabs in a lot of ways.

At least on the outside of it, being Christian is easy. A lot of the outer things are laid out for you. Of course, this means nothing for depth of spirituality or relationship with the Divine, but there’s already a framework for laypeople. Prayer for instance, since that’s the main thing on my mind. I learned how to pray at a young age, but it’s only now that I realize the limited type of prayer I was taught.

The main type of prayer I learned is petitionary prayer. I figured this stuff out yesterday because it was on my mind and I had just finished reading various people’s opinions on religion. This is the prayer where you’re asking for something. Money, healing, a job, blessings, help, etc; they all fall under petitions to the gods. This type of prayer is easy, it’s a request form basically. Maybe it has a loan clause where you offer something in return for the petition or the deity gives you a command or request in return for granting your petition. But the point is that anyone can do petitionary prayer, but, as someone said yesterday in my reading and conversations, that sort of prayer doesn’t really open the way for two way communication or lend itself to deepening the relationship.

Then there’s what I call praise prayer. This is the type where you’re offering praise and thanking the deity for anything and everything S/He has done for you. Just like any conversation and any praise, this can be anywhere between shallow and flattery to deep and sincere. I’m sure that they do like it, but again it doesn’t seem much of a way to get a dialogue going or necessarily deepen the relationship. I came to the realization last night that I really only know how to do these types of prayer. I mean, sure I’ve talked to my gods outside of praise and petitionary prayer before, but I wouldn’t say it’s easy at all, and often it’s been out of frustration that I feel lost and alone and uncared for. Frustrated tears and rescue operations don’t exactly encourage either.

This is part of my frustration. I don’t know how to just talk to Them and something I had as an epiphany earlier in the month is that I don’t know how to listen either. As much as Christianity lauds and encourages talking and getting close to God, they don’t teach it very well. Sure, you’re told to pray and read the Bible, but that doesn’t help a lot of people get close. It doesn’t tell them as much as they hope, it doesn’t make them feel connected and it doesn’t teach them how to connect or to listen. I think we can see this by the amount of people (me included) who lament over not literally hearing the gods they are trying to talk with. There are all sorts of reasons you may not literally hear your god, including the god not being very talkative to that just not being the best way to communicate. I have a quiet god, sometimes it is a little frustrating that He doesn’t just come out and yap at me for being a dork, or tell me to be patient cuz He heard me, or just saying “Stop worrying, I’m still here” or brb. But, I also know that may not be the best way to talk to me, along with the fact that He’s just the strong silent type.

Still, that doesn’t mean I can’t and don’t want to learn how to have a dialogue with Him or Set or Aset or Wepwawet. Dialogue and relationship isn’t always about literal talking, but that doesn’t mean I know how to expand that sort of thing. I honestly don’t know how. Keeping up ritual and offerings is one way, but as my experience in Christianity demonstrates, that may not help or fill the need I have and meet what I’m looking for. Honestly I don’t know what I’m looking for to a full extent, but I know that I didn’t leave Christianity to still be as distant from my gods as I was as a Christian. I want to be close, I want to have dialogue and a relationship with my deities. And I want to know they’re around somewhere.

When I was a kid I always wondered what God’s voice sounded like. Whenever the preachers would talk about how they talked to God and got an answer, or asked for His help and was told what to do and what to say, I always wondered about that. I knew to some degree that it was intuition while reading their Bible, but I wondered how much of His voice they heard? And I wondered what it sounded like. I wonder what my gods’ voices sound like. I wonder what it feels like to have that clear intuition and a close relationship. I wonder what it’s like to be able to talk and get a response back so clearly? I’m sure my doubts and anxiety has something to do with the blockage, and probably laziness and such. But still, I genuinely want to connect here, and I don’t know where to even begin.

*Initially I had wrote that “[they] have my mind a lot lately” instead of they have been on my mind and I noticed it to correct it later, but I think that’s also pretty accurate of a mistake too.

Breaking

I was gonna get on here and rant about an argument I had with my boyfriend. I was gonna detail the conversation I had with my best friend and detail all the poorly formed thoughts and feelings about my boyfriend and the argument and how much I love him and why he’s so wonderful and awful and drives me crazy and makes me love him more. I was going to do that, but I won’t. 

It’s not a privacy concern, Boyfriend doesn’t read the blog and few of my friends actually do. No, it’s more because reiterating all of that, an hour and a half’s worth of conversations, is ridiculous and time consuming and emotionally draining. I’m already very drained, after all I’m not very good at reigning in my emotions. Instead, I’m going to talk about my gods and what happened after venting to my friend and getting comfort after the argument.

I pray a lot. Perhaps not everyday, or particularly formally or piously, but i pray a lot. I enjoy talking to my gods. I went upstairs to put shorts on. I’m a woman living among women, we don’t always wear pants, but shorts are generally recommended. I really only went upstairs to grab my shorts and phone charger. But I saw my mini shrine. I tried to ignore it, but it was there calling rather insistently. So, I decided to heed that and it took every ounce of strength not to just collapse. You ever been that unaware of how tired and frustrated you are and how much you need to talk that when you go to get down on your knees that it takes more strength to avoid just falling in a heap?

Today was one of those days. I haven’t had one in a long time, not in at least two years, before i decided to become pagan. And I let everything out. It was hardly coherent, in fact I repeated the same thing over and over, but I’m pretty They got what the problem was and what i was asking (begging really) for. It wasn’t pretty either, I was essentially sobbing. Ever done that? I use the word in my writing, but you never really consider that people actually do some of these words, like trudging or sneering, and in this case sobbing.

I stayed there for several minutes until my eyes were sore and my sinuses were completely blocked and my head was fracturing in pain and pressure. I forced myself to stop and it really took effort. Collecting yourself after breaking apart in front of anyone is hard, especially if you’re begging for help. Doing so in front of deities is harder, if only because you’re likely to shatter more in front of them. I was so tired that i contemplated just sleeping on the floor.

I went downstairs afterwards, to let my puppy in from the yard and put a couple things away. Said puppy actually went ahead of me into the living room as if to show me something. Since i had been asking for some sign that the Jackals were there and listening, it was a bit interesting. I started upstairs again, thinking puppy would follow, but he sat down and huffed at me. He’s always allowed upstairs and usually follows quickly, so this was abnormal. I sat on the steps and pet and hugged him, even let him get in my face and whatnot which I normally don’t do because he’s a sixty pound puppy. When i got up, he still didn’t follow me upstairs, he went into his cage. No idea why. I just needed to sleep in my room near my shrine.

It was effort not to get back on the floor and light the candles that represent Them. I wanted to before i went to sleep, but of course that’s not safe. Needs safer alternative. I’m still not thoroughly stable, but I’m reasonably sure I won’t burst into tears unprovoked. I just feel shaky and unsure and off balance and crazy and foolish and tired. I’m tired of this all, of the same bullshit problems and problems in my brain and body from high school and college. I’m tired of feeling batshit crazy half the time and in limbo between sanity and craziness the other half. I’m tired of fighting with my boyfriend and not knowing how to fix the problems that I’m bringing to the table and how to help him feel safe enough to work on his or just recognize that it’s not a bad thing to be “unhealthy” mentally.

Most of all I just want to hear my gods voices with some frikkin comfort or a hug or something just really obvious saying “hey! We’re here, we care, and things will be alright.” I don’t want to break things off, I refuse it, but things can’t keep going how they are. I’m just tired. How can a twenty year old be so tired? My emotions drain me dry and I crack under the pressure of being a young adult and trying to worm my way into the world while still being part of several people’s support systems, and all of them are like me, ie in need of specific professional help from nice people in white.

What does this all mean? Is there even a point here to all this suffering? It’s not like I’m the only one in my inner circle who suffers. Most of my best friends suffer from some sort of problem. Depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder. My best friend I vent to the most literally cannot remember most of his life before he turned 14. How is that for fucked up? Boyfriend tries hard to forget his childhood, were you to hear his stories you’d call it abuse. The bipolar friend got into drugs for a little while and had to repeat a year of college. One depressed friend ended up in the psych ward during high school and her parents sure don’t win the parenting award. My parents don’t either.

If i actually told someone in authority half the things that go through my head I’d have been in and out of psych wards for the last three years. Instead I tell my friends, who understand exactly what I’m going through and been there and back. Or we help each other while both go through the ringer. But why do we have to hurt like this in the first place? Why do we have to hurt so much and so damn hard? Why do we have to burn? What did we do in a past life to endure so much pain in this one?

I don’t know. I just know it hurts and I can’t leave or be left to burn in the dark. I won’t leave any of them to hurt alone, but i know i don’t want to add to the pain. I love them too much, they all drive me crazy but I love them more. Is that sick? That i love their insanity as much as i love them? It’s part of them, it’s part of me since I’m crazy too. But if i were to leave them my heart would break. It would be destroyed. If i ever lost one of my friends or my boyfriend, i really would break apart.

This is the Post that Killed Me

So, I’ve fought with this blog post for like, three or four days. It’s not that what I want to talk about is particularly troublesome or anything, no, it’s just that my brain would go bleh when I sat down to write it. Trying to force the issue never helped, so alas it stuck around for a couple of days as an abstract concept. In the meantime, I have a scarf to finish crocheting as a gift to a friend, a stuffed animal to make for Nephew, and something abstract that I haven’t decided yet to make for Anpu. That last one just got added on as I was writing, I’m assuming He wants one lol

Anyway, back to reality, I recently received an oracle reading from a great blogger who is a follower of Hecate. Here it is: “You recognize your weakness before your strength, that’s your first, most limitating boundary. Look deeper into that issue that concerns you and change your angle- you will find  that the door you persist in believing locked is anything but. There’s no limits in there but those you imposed on yourself. Move past that mindset and the key will appear evident and fully into your reach.”

I’m still wrapping my head around that. I’m tempted to ask for clarification, but not only do I not want to pester SBC, I’m also aware that deities are not the sort to just hand over all the answers most of the time. Sometimes they make it really obvious, but that’s hardly the norm. I know the oracle seems rather straightforward, but I’ve no idea what Hecate is actually referring to as the locked door. I already know the first sentence, that’s something I’m aware of and have been for a long time. It’s the rest that boggles me. I had like ten questions I really wanted to ask, but I didn’t, because it’s ten questions and I wasn’t the only one waiting for an oracle XD so I went with “just whatever She can think of”. Yeah, and I got that lol

I was thinking of asking Wepwawet or Anpu, but Wepwawet likes to be cryptic too, mainly because it amuses Him. I guess I just don’t want to bother Anpu with it. I’m not sure, I just haven’t bothered I guess. Quite frankly I’m still working on getting to know the Jackals and I don’t want to be asking a million and ten questions just because I’ve got Their ears. Which, I guess is a bit ironic since asking questions is how you get to know people. Ugh, I’m really terrible at this aren’t I? I wish this were easier, or perhaps that I wasn’t so insecure that I’m doing things wrong. It’s hard because I’m easily excited and as such try and be skeptical about perceived answers and such. That and I get a lot of negative thoughts in my head and I don’t want to mistake them as being from a higher being. And I’m talking negative like doubts and a variety of depressed thoughts.

That’s actually why I no longer use my Tarot cards. I keep getting these super negative readings from them and I honestly don’t know why. I’m actually about to start looking for cleansing rituals and such for the cards and the house in general that don’t involve incense because of this. Speaking of which, if anyone has any suggestions I’d welcome them. I can’t use incense in the house, everyone who lives here has sensitive noses, allergies, and asthma. Incense is a no-no as much as I’d love to have some. Maybe the problem is the ghosts in the house. If you’ve read some of my other posts you’ll know that my great-grandparents and my grandfather all float around the house when they feel like it. They also were devout Christians in life, so it is possible that they aren’t very happy about my choice of spiritual path. In life they weren’t really the sort to interfere in the sense of making threats or whatever, but as far as I know they were all about telling you the bad things that could happen.

I doubt they like my Tarot cards or my gods coming in the house. I wasn’t having most of these problems before my first tarot deck, so perhaps that is a reason? Who knows, I just want to be left alone to be happy with my boyfriend and my gods and have happy relationships with my family and friends.

See, and part of the reason this weirdness going on in my house sucks is because it’s hard enough for me to get things going. I’m getting acquainted with deities, I’m trying to find a job, I have bills to pay and trying to save, and I have a relationship to not implode. As an added bonus I’m getting re-interested in divination, but I don’t trust my Tarot or pendulum to be helpful because past experience says they aren’t consistent or trustworthy. I don’t really know what to do, and I don’t want to be a pest to my Jackals. After all, we’re still getting acquainted and I’m already running my mouth over the job situation. I know They care, I practically hear the rolling eyes at this neurotic 20-year old girl running in circles like she’s being chased by bees in a flower field. I know, but I’m still running in circles and don’t know how to stop.

Babies and Gods

Last night was an interesting one. I finished washing my clothes and actually had the urge to put them away. I loath laundry, truly and thoroughly hate it. I often leave clean clothes in the hamper and toss dirty ones on the floor. It’s really quite ignorant, especially since I prefer cleaning the bathroom over doing laundry. I do, I like cleaning the bathroom, couldn’t tell you why though lol

Anyway, I was listening to Boyfriend complain and rant about his client because he needed to vent and realized that I really wanted to clean my room. Now, I’m a person who prefers to maintain cleanliness as opposed to creating it, but I thoroughly enjoy creating cleanliness, unless it involves my room. For some reason it takes a lot of effort, or a perfectly timed compulsion. Last night was the latter. I’m a packrat, among a family of packrats and you could probably call me a themed book collector too. I have a small room and a lot of stuff, but the ability to organize in such a way that it’s reasonably neat and hides more stuff. I threw out two trash bags worth of crap last night and I can sense that there’s still shit I should get rid of.

I could feel the old energy breaking apart and floating around the room with the dust bunnies. I even fixed my bed frame, which had somehow come apart in a weird way that kept it mostly balanced. The irony is I didn’t put all of my laundry away and I really wanted to, but I was tired by then lol After finishing this, Sister brought Nephew upstairs and I opened my tambourine. Now, I’ve had this tambourine since April, but never opened it. I had ordered it as a substitute for a sistrum (i buy frequently online) but I never opened it because Sister and Nephew were visiting.

Now, you might find this a tad strange, especially if you know that my sister is of the group of people who are readily accepting of whatever you’re doing as long as it’s not harmful, illegal and/or depressing you. She knows I’m Kemetic now and has only asked a few questions, mainly Who ya talkin to, is there anything in the fridge that’s supposed to be an offering, and what’s with the table? The table being the one in the window cubby that has my sparse little shrine on it. What can I say, the table was already there and it’s a southward window. Alas, I just don’t feel comfortable doing any worship in the room because we share it. Perhaps it’s my nervousness at still being new and “watched” in the sense that she’d know what I was upstairs doing, or that I don’t like kicking her and Nephew out of the room, or that I don’t want her to feel awkward since she’s still Christian, or that I’m still unsure of the gods and whether it’s actually Them coming in the room, or that I’m inviting other beings into our shared sleeping space, or all the above. There’s something unsettling about inviting large spiritual presences into a room she and Nephew have to come into at night.

Nonetheless, this tambourine has been in the box it was delivered in since it arrived. I opened it last night for two reasons: the tambourine would take up less space and more easily moved if it was out of the box, and because I figured Nephew would be entertained by the noisy, plastic, blue round thing. He was very entertained, and I also got the distinct impression that Wepwawet (who the tambourine was purchased for) came in the room while Nephew was playing with it. The baby was distracted most of the while he was playing, staring at the window with the table and talking to “empty space”. My UPG of Wepwawet is that He’s very jovial and full of laughter, and He definitely found great humor in Nephew playing the tambourine as much as a five month old can. I’m pretty sure He’s still chuckling and smirking XD

I told Sister that if she dreamt of canids to blame Nephew lol I have no idea if she did, probably not. Neither her nor Nephew have canid guardians or worship a canid god. Speaking of dreams, I had a very scary one last night. I’m not really sure what was going on in this dream. It had a plot, revolving around my grandmother’s house, but I’ve forgotten because I wasn’t trying to remember earlier. There was lots of conversation and several people, all of whom I knew from what I recall. Really I remember a tv, Boyfriend asking and telling me something, babysitting my Nephew, my mother coming over. There was a lot going on in this dream. But of course I only remember the upsetting part of it, which happened when my mother came over.

I was holding Nephew when she came in, sitting on the couch across from the chair Sister was in, which is close to the tv. She was talking about something important, and then went on to say she had something to talk to us about. She sat next to Sister first and pulled out this book that said Living with Cancer. She said she had just found out about it. I remember seeing the words Cervical Cancer as well as unusual pictures that looked like a pregnant woman. I just know I got very upset over it, who wouldn’t? I woke up panicked and crying. Now that I’m calm and can think logically, it occurs to me that it would be impossible for my mother to get cervical cancer because she had a hysterectomy and has no cervix, but that doesn’t dampen the discomfort at the dream. I called her afterward, but there were other details in the dream that I feel are important, but honestly they’re fuzzy, jumbled, and disconnected so I can’t make heads or tails.

I also still have a lot of work to do on ingrained habits. Why? Well when you consider yourself Christian for your entire life you have a lot of habits and habitual sayings to restructure when you change your religious path. Grace is hard, so is prayer, because I’m no longer praying to YHWH, but to Anpu and perhaps Wepwawet so I often have to correct myself. I went to go pray after waking up from my dream and realized that I had to correct myself like six or seven times in the midst of it. Doesn’t help to have to do that when you’re distraught. I tried to visualize myself getting an Ethereal Hug and got a pat on the head instead XD it wasn’t funny at the time, but it is rather amusing now. Clearly there was a reason I didn’t get the hug, I felt like there was something He was trying to get me to pay attention to from the dream, so the Ethereal Hug was denied in favor of a Holy Headpat. Probably the mother part.

Speaking of family and die hard habits, it occurs to me that I never really thought through the desire I have for a more public shrine space. When I move out I want private shrine space in my bedroom, but I also want to have one in my livingroom. No particular reason, except perhaps to see Them when I want without necessarily disturbing someone or Boyfriend who may be in one of those rooms. I don’t spend a lot of time in my bedroom because I’m an insomniac and want my brain to associate the bed with sleep, but I also know that Boyfriend tends to be sensitive to my wakefulness, especially since I’m a restless insomniac. He might not always stir at my wandering the halls like a lost soul, but he does sometimes and then he won’t go back to sleep until I’m back in bed. It’s very sweet, but I also don’t want him losing sleep just because my brain is difficult.

Anyway, the point here is that public shrine space is a tricky matter. Most of my family is still in the dark about my change in religion, much less the exact nature of said change. Hell, most of my friends are and I trust them more to not act like lunatics. I like having people over and I want to do that when I move out, but that could present a problem since I want to display a shrine space. I often get nervous during grace time at family dinners because I don’t want to get asked to say grace since I no longer worship YHWH and I can’t exactly go pulling out one of my Kemetic graces. The problem, as anyone with Christian family often knows, is that they’re intensely concerned for your soul.

I think it makes it worse to have a religion with similar morals to Christianity, or at least morals that can be interpreted that way, because they see less and less reason to justify the change. I don’t feel like having a hundred questions that I can’t answer, don’t want to answer, or that have answers that’ll make them push harder to know why I left if it’s so close to what Christianity already has. I definitely don’t want to get into it when they find out it’s Anpu I’m praying to. Oh that would absolutely lead to chaos because He has such an unfairly bad reputation. Yes, He’s a warrior, yes He’s god of the dead and embalming, yes He deserves the respect of one capable of being terrifying, but He is not evil or whatever Hollywood tends to portray Him as. Alas, like Loki and Set, Anpu still doesn’t get the approval of most people who only see Him one way. It makes me worry.

 

How I Met Anpu

I’m not sure what gods are talking to me or what They’re saying. I know Anpu is, something I appreciate, I just feel like He’s there, listening. Peering over my shoulder, poking or jabbing my brain over things, mainly not being a bitch during arguments. I feel like He was always there, listening and I was just too busy spinning myself in circles trying to go too fast and not thinking it through and going through my path at my pace. I wonder about Him sometimes, whether He’s always been there and I’ve just never noticed because I wasn’t supposed to. I was supposed to be Christian forever, but really there’s too much human interaction for me. Religion to me is about being with the divine. It is about Them, not us, except in our closeness and enjoyment of Them and Their presence, even if it’s just enjoying not being destroyed by Them. That’s how I see it, that’s my opinion on the matter. Spirituality is different, that’s your personal development and such. Such things can include the gods of course, but religion is rules and rituals, and is, at least to me, really about the deities.

I wonder about my path, whether I was always meant for this or if I was led here by Someone taking advantage of a coincidence or group of them. I’ve always had a powerful attachment to animals and wild things of all sorts, but especially dogs and wolves and various other canines. I always thought jackals were pretty cool and I love love love African Painted Dogs and their GIANT ROUND EARS. I never really had a connection to most of my heritage except Native American and an interest in Egypt that didn’t go super far because I didn’t really need it to. For heaven’s sake my spirit guide appears to me as an animal, usually a fox or wolf, because he knew that would be the easiest way to get my brain to pay attention to his presence. I’ve always wanted to be and still do want to be a werewolf, because then I could be one when I wanted. That’s how much I love wolves, and that’s been around since before I knew what werewolves were. My point here is that my love for wild animals is part and parcel of what led me to Kemetism.

You learn more about the Greek and Roman gods in school than any other pantheon. Most of my knowledge outside of Them is Hindu deities, and really I learned the absolute bare minimum, because it was the religion as a whole and the basis of the various beliefs and rituals that were important, not the many gods. Shucks, I didn’t learn that stuff until college. But, I really only heard of a very few Egyptian gods, Aset, Bast and Anpu mainly. I never liked the Greek gods (sorry guys) or at least the ones I knew about. I’d never heard of Hecate until last year-year before, but there’s just something about Them that disturbs and frightens me. Someone once mentioned that They’re pretty emotional, and They are if you look at Their myths, so that’s definitely part of it, but They just never interested me much. They really do just make me think “meh I don’t really want to be over there.”  Hecate was the exception, but I’m still at the ten-foot pole mark. I know I’m kinda hopping through seemingly random topics, but everything does tie together, if only in a cursory way.

I started with what I knew, with the focus of looking for a deity who was connected to canids, preferably wolves, and was kind and patient and willing to kick my ass in gear. Hecate was the only one to really fit that bill of the Greek pantheon, but I just didn’t really feel connected to Her. I was curious sure, but not really in a way that said, hey let me go poke Her. I did consider it, but kept searching instead. I wondered about the Egyptian gods after I gave up trying to be anything close to Wiccan, and while searching for information of Christian witchcraft and different, heretical forms of Christianity that would meld with what I needed my beliefs to be, I found The Cauldron. It was all downhill from there, because I discovered there was, in fact, a real religion that focused on the Egyptian gods that wasn’t Wicca based.

That was a major relief and I immediately started researching this religion. I pestered everyone on The Cauldron for book suggestions and information and websites and started the hunt for who I wanted to be with me on my path. I went straight for the “canids” and “felines” because I had little interest in the others. Several people chased after me saying I didn’t need to go god-hunting right away, something I appreciated, because I was looking rather hard, but They were the entire reason I went searching for a new path. Kemetism’s morals are really close to Christianity, and I very much enjoyed the worldview and various creation myths of the religion, so there was only one thing left I wanted. I found several right away who I liked, Djehuty, Anpu and Wepwawet as anyone who read my other blog might know. Oh I thought They were awesome, especially when I found out, to my intense delight, that Anpu was not anything like the Mummy movies made Him out to be. I never enjoyed those movies to a great extent, it made the Egyptians look crazy and I’ve always liked Anpu. I thought it was cool that He had a jackal head and could turn into a jackal. Then to find out He’s pretty chill and is a super important guardian and healer and likes the living as much as the dead? Totes awesome sauce ya know? I like healing people and I’m not afraid of death (the actual act of dying however, is another story).

Now, Djehuty is still one of my favorites, but He gives off a very intense vibe that reminds me of my grandfather combined with my great-grandmother plus a favorite teacher. I don’t want to bother Him, He’s very busy learning new stuff and imparting the knowledge upon the world. I always get that feeling when I approach Him for a hi or a hug. He doesn’t push me away per se, but you can feel that He’s ready to go back to what He was doing. Wepwawet, I think, likes me, but isn’t interested in a long-term relationship. He feels more like the brother who is ready to give jokes and advice and then walk away without necessarily helping. That’s about right, it explains why He laughs a lot XD He’s not usually in my head or heart, but He pops into my brain now and then, to say hi or be available for a request, or perhaps to interject some humor in a situation. Anpu really is the one I regularly feel there, I think He’s here to stay, which actually pleases me greatly.

I feel like Sekhmet is on a similar wavelength as Wepwawet. She’s willing to be there, stop in and say hi, but she’s not really interested in me. More like a “aren’t you sweet? Thanks for the candy, I hear you’re becoming friends with one of my daughters? You seem pleasant, hi Anpu how are you?” She seems to be here more because I asked Her and She’s having pleasant conversation with the two Jackals who talk above my head. I’m almost certain that’s the case now that I’ve written it. I’m glad She’s at least nice to me ^^; She thinks I’m cute I guess, and is a lot like Wepwawet in interaction. She interjects, but otherwise runs around in the background at the edge of my brain and awareness, doing other things, plotting nefarious things to make my life better or something that in the long run isn’t harmful lol.

Nonetheless, we’re back to Anpu. He’s there, watching over me, nearby but not super close. I’m still not sure of myself yet and how I’m supposed to feel and what I’m supposed to do and how we’re supposed to interact and whether I’m doing the right thing or if I’m actually even hearing and interacting with Him. Either He’s giving me space or I’m forcing the space on Him out of anxiety. It’s tricky business and being poorly trained in interacting with the Divine on such a personal level I’m still stumbling around and hoping the arm I’m reaching for is really His. I don’t want to be wrong, I feel He’s really interested and I am too. I try too hard and worry too much, and have anxiety problems to boot, so my only confirmation is that when I feel the niggles in my heart and head it’s not a harmful one. He starts to poke when I’m about to say something unnecessary or mean during an argument, He made me feel better when I asked (stomach upsetness, no clue what from, but hey, I feel better :D), and I just know He’s there. This is what I was looking for, but I can’t help but be nervous, because I still have no idea what I’m really doing.

I feel better knowing I’m not alone in this situation. Even people who have gods who are typically characterized as “loud” have problems or doubts with hearing Them or with first meeting and listening for Them. It’s important to remember that not everything is a hallucination just because I’m eager and obsessive and that things aren’t quiet because He’s not there or I just suck. I’m really glad I wrote this post. I’m also very happy I chose this path, even if it started with the search for the animals I love in the gods I wanted.

Sleep it seems is a Fickle Friend

Let me introduce you to my brain. My brain is very strange, it loves holding on to things it reads and, much to my distaste, easily and quickly discards things it hears, unless it’s attached to strong emotions. And even then it still may not hold on to it. My brain loves handcrafts, but it is easily distracted. It enjoys video games greatly, but it is peculiar about it, often going without for months and then having binges where it is the main activity every day for a good bit. But mostly, my brain just doesn’t know what it wants to do with itself. It is fickle, it is temperamental, it is obsessive, selectively compulsive, anxious, easily upset, prone to depression but above all it likes to fuck around with sleep.

I am not a morning person, but alas society prefers diurnal people to people of the night. I am an owl, a wolf, and the spawn of insomniacs. Not all of the insomniacs in my family are nocturnal, but nonetheless I have inherited this problem with sleep. My brain just refuses to keep schedule. It might cooperate for a week or two, but then it’s off to do its own thing. The gods forbid I read something intriguing or thought-provoking before bed, or do some (or a lot) of writing before bed. Sometimes it just doesn’t like to sleep at night, sometimes it oversleeps, sometimes it doesn’t really know what it’s doing. As a result, especially concerning its other idiosyncrasies and my neuroses, I am often tired during the day.

The last two weeks have exemplified this behavior in my brain. The night before I couldn’t sleep until 6 am and slept until 4pm. Last night I didn’t sleep at all. Yay me right? But I’ve also been having dreams. My last post exemplified what my brain has done when it does sleep. I really don’t know what it’s doing honestly.

Anyway, I’ve gotten ideas despite the sleepiness. I don’t think they’re going anywhere right now, alas the creative center of my brain keels over when I don’t sleep or sleep poorly. I managed to get a lot of writing done, but now that I’ve lost an entire night I can feel that I have brainpower for logic and non-creative writing such as this blog post. Doesn’t always stop the ideas, but the execution of said ideas tends to suffer. Sometimes it still works, sometimes my brain just putters out.

On to the spiritual half now! Last night and the night before we had freakish storms. They were only a couple hours each, with fantastic lightning and thunder to match. They get an extra dose of “hmm, what’s that about?” because the night before I was definitely praying for some hellos from Anybody interested in saying hi. Kinda made me wonder if Sutekh/Set is saying hi. Such a thought is both very exciting and intensely terrifying, because from what I’ve heard, He’s “crazy and deranged” in a good way. Like being the child of a mad scientist or something XD I don’t know, I know that none of the gods I was looking at are “easy”. Sekhmet, Anpu, Wepwawet, possibly Set, They’re all warriors. They’re all challengers. Sure, They have gentle and loving and compassionate sides, but they are by no means coddling. I went traipsing around wordpress for more blogs from Kemetics because I like seeing what and how other people are doing and I found a couple talking about the gods not being cuddly. They’re not fluffy. I already knew this of course, but there’s something about being reminded of it, of seeing someone’s personal example of how They can and will shove you over and bite you to get you moving, to get things done, to make you better, that just makes it more real. And I’m glad of it. I came here for the gods, I will hardly turn back now.

It’s a bit nerve-wracking when you think of it. In Christianity there’s a plethora of passages about how YHWH will change you and no one can change without Him. It’s not supposed to be easy, but I feel like there’s just a tad bit of complacency there, because YHWH is also full of mercy and patience and in some circles there may be an implication that He’s gonna do all the work. Not so with any pagan god or goddess as far as I can tell. Certainly not those I want in my life. Somehow the thought that any one of Them is willing to shove me off an emotional cliff out of impatience that I’m pussyfooting around is more comforting and relieving than a god who is willing to let me pace at the cliff’s edge forever. Even though it’s also simultaneously terrifying, because it means I can’t pace at the cliff’s edge XD and that I have no excuses, because They’ll just growl, or bite, or sigh, and throw me. They’re willing to tear me to pieces, and that’s ok. Scary, frightening, but it’s alright that it’s that way. It means I can trust Them to do what needs doing, and to know that, even though it may be mean or even cruel, it’s really because They see what I need and give a damn.

I have Strange Dreams

Welcome to another of my dream posts! I only have one today, though I’ll admit it seems to have shown up in TB head too. So, my Nephew and Sister are here still, which is fine, just means toys are everywhere despite his being unable to crawl lol They both featured in my dream, Nephew was really the most prominent one. What happened in this dream was, it was actually set in a realistic version of my grandmother’s house, where I live. Usually my brain twists my dream locations to ridiculousness. They usually bear only a passing resemblance or key points of the reality they’re based on, and combining features of real locations is common. This time though, it was basically close to reality, about 95% I’d say. I couldn’t point out specific differences because it doesn’t matter that much lol

Anyway, this dream. I was playing games while listening to music on my Kindle Fire, nothing unusual, that’s a frequent activity for me, that and reading, writing, and crocheting. Sister asked me to take Nephew upstairs for a bath, or that’s what I’m assuming, I just know I took him upstairs for bathing. I took my Kindle with me for music purposes, and we sat on the edge of the tub waiting for the water to fill up. Now, we have a baby tub for him because he’s only five months old, or we just bathe him in the sink (which is getting hard because the sink is shallow and he’s 95th percentile for his age and length) so this straight tub thing was weird. I had the niggle in my logic board that this dream wasn’t right, but the dream kept going, as it often does. I noticed recently that more of my dreams nowadays are lucid in the sense that I’m aware I’m dreaming or that what’s happening is not based in reality, but I rarely interfere with the path of the dream because I’m curious where it’s going or don’t care or know I’ll wake up.

Regardless, I let the tub fill up. For some reason, I wasn’t holding Nephew, but he wasn’t in the water yet, I’m not sure where he was, he was in existence limbo while I chose a different song on my Kindle. I can’t remember what it was, but I’m aware that it was most likely an Evanescence song because that’s the music I listen to the most often, along with Flyleaf and Linkin Park. I actually go to sleep to those groups, but I’m not sure if my music was still playing during this dream. The playlist is only a few hours long and most of my vivid dreams are near the end of the night, long after the music has stopped. Either way, it was a song I listen to very often and was one of my favorites. My spirit guide Xintao is nearby, I feel like he’s telling me it’s Taking Over Me or Give Unto Me. Perhaps Breathe No More, which are three of my favorites. It wasn’t super loud and neither is he, so I’m not sure, I feel it’s important though.

I know there was something funky going on with what I was doing on my kindle. Something about surfing the web and games, but mainly surfing the web. It was a research site of some sort, but I can’t recall the image clear enough in my brain to make out what it was about. Perhaps computers or something, or my recent game binge. Either way, now Nephew is in the tub. I turn to look at the water, it’s nearly completely filled the tub, close to overflowing. Nephew hasn’t been in the water for more than a second or two, but he’s in there. The problem is I couldn’t turn the water off. It wasn’t overflowing, but at first I couldn’t get it off. And he’s covered in water over his head.

Then of course the mad rush to save Nephew from drowning. He was upset and sitting up at first, but at the first failed grab for him he fell backwards and tried not to cry. I tried picking him up again, somehow both freaked out and thoroughly calm. I knew I should be freaked out, in the sense that it was like two separate me in the same space, the same body. I dream most often in third person, with short fluctuations to first person, so it creates an interesting dynamic between my dream self and whatever part of my spirit is observing, in the sense that I feel both the observer and the feelings of my dream self, while simultaneously NOT feeling my dream self’s feelings. It’s hard to describe. It took several tries to pull him from the water and he was unharmed, just very upset and thoroughly wet. He cried of course, coughing a bit, but he hadn’t breathed in any water, much to my relief. I dropped my Kindle in the water, and trying to retrieve it (it’s 200$ and was important) I dropped my phone (not so important and already beat up). I recall the image of water behind the screen and trying to shake it out in frustration. There was just something very important about saving that damn Kindle.

I wrapped Nephew up, and my dream scene-skipped to me bring him downstairs dry and diapered. I delivered him to Sister and sat down to try to rescue my Kindle. I know that turning things off is important for rescuing them from drowning, but turning it off was completely failing. I mean no matter how much I pressed the power button it wouldn’t turn off. Instead, it kept opening web pages, and they seemed random, but they were colored. Red page, blue page, red page again. I have no idea what was on them, they had something to do with computers and communication and hacking, but I couldn’t see the specific words. I just know that it too, was important. I woke up soon after, I only have tiny useless snippets of the last segment of the dream. I eventually got the Kindle turned off and Nephew was fine.

 

Now, two nights ago, two days after my dream my boyfriend had an eerily similar dream. He dreamt of visiting me here at my grandmother’s and my sister asking him to give Nephew a bath. Normally, I would help him, or he would ask for help because he isn’t used to babies like Sister and I are. (We’re the oldest of eight, the youngest of whom is four years old, and have experience babysitting across age groups, he has experience with babysitting his cousin and he was too young to be left alone with her when she was an infant.) Nonetheless, he took Nephew upstairs for a bath. Apparently, very similar events happened in TB’s dream. He filled the tub, put Nephew in it, and Nephew fell over and TB couldn’t get him out. Nephew was making an angry-upset face that creeped TB out, it was extremely far from reality the type of expression Nephew was making. When Boyfriend finally got the baby out, he was coughing and crying and still making the creepy angry face before bringing him downstairs. Boyfriend forgot to tell me the rest, I had to get off the phone before he could finish.

Gotta wonder what this is all about ya know?

Hmm, I wish they were down here

Ever had one of those days where you wish your gods were literally huggable? I’m sure not everyone would want that, but I think I could use one of Them down here. Lately I’ve felt off-kilter, not actually down in the depths of a depression or anything, but sorta like…sitting in the shade I guess. Or perhaps sitting in fading light is better, since shade is rarely dark enough to make you doubt your eyes. It’s been hot recently, something I’m sensitive to, now I’m back to looking for work, my practice isn’t really developing, but that’s partly because I don’t really know what to do with it.

I’m pretty lost here. I’m not used to such a way of worshiping. Lots of people say “focus on your practice” and “you don’t need to start with the gods” but that doesn’t tell me anything. First off, the reason I left Christianity was for the Divine. I don’t like having to go through a ton of human interaction to get my relationship with the Powers That Be. It’s absolutely ridiculous to allow mortals to block my access to Them or Him depending on how you look at it. So, I left. And the thing is, one of the things I always loved about Christianity is worship and singing. It drives me insane that no one knows what the music is for Ancient Egyptian hymns. I love love love singing in praise, you know how awesome it would be to sing songs that actually belong to Anpu and Wepwawet and Sekhmet?

There aren’t many resources for how to go about being a lay worshiper. Historical or otherwise. I’ve got resources about the gods and Their personalities, I’ve got resources about how to understand ma’at, and how to understand the Ancient Egyptians view of the universe. I’ve got all that, but none about just starting out as a lay person, a beginner pagan and Kemetic. None for a person who came specifically to seek the gods. How do I know I’ve got Their attention or are being ignored or told to go away? It’s not like my baby nephew looks at my altar space and bursts into tears or can’t sleep in the room with it. It’s not like I go to pray or light candles and nephew gets upset, sister sees stuff in her peripheral vision or hears things and the dog goes nuts.

I do know that my dog has never bothered me when I prostrate in prayer, but that could just be because we fuss at him when he bugs us on the floor. There’s three ghosts and three guardian spirits in the house and I’ve never gotten a word saying there’s a problem. And trust me, one of those guards is my nephew’s, he would absolutely say something to my sister or our guardians if there was a problem. He’s a big ol’ owl and often entertains the nephew, who promptly gets upset when he goes somewhere else. And now that I think of it, my old dog Shadow (we call him Big Shadow to differentiate from our current puppy, also named Shadow, who is still a baby but is hardly small) still hangs around the house. He was extremely protective of my sister and I, so I would imagine he’d have something to say too. But their silence only tells me that nothing dangerous is happening.

Really the question is what should or could I do? I’m trusting my intuition here that the three deities I’ve chosen are interested and good matches for me, but really I’m just not sure what else to do. I know I’m not going to always feel Them, or feel Them strongly, but an Ethereal Hug now and then would be great. And some advice or something, anything really to let me know that I’m alright and doing things acceptably. Something to comfort me and calm me and my many many anxieties and doubts. It’s not like this is the only part of my life that I’m looking for and need help with. I don’t expect Them to magically fix things, but even a nudge saying “hey, try this”, “hey chill out, it’s alright”, “don’t you DARE say that” would be great.

Well, now that I think of it, Anpu did intervene in one argument between me and TB, basically tugging at my ears to apologize and do it without trying to justify myself. That last part was hard, I don’t like being wrong, or admitting that I didn’t have a reason to be jerkish. It’s mainly stubbornness, but it has to do with some insecurities I have as well. Stuff I still need a lot of work and help with. Another reason I want to hear from Them. It would be nice if I was any good at songwriting, then I could make songs for Them, I imagine They’d really like that.

Trouble, Trouble, Boil and Bubble

This last few weeks have been ones of ups and downs. Arguments abounded, hurt feelings blew in, and I’m about to stop talking to another friend. You see, me and TB had a plethora of arguments, really rough ones. We’re fine now, don’t worry. One of my best friends and I got into a nasty argument last week though. She’s having a super ultra mega rushed wedding, even though she’s still forging her way through school and supposedly has a lot going on that no one knows about. We were arguing because she was being completely unreliable in getting me the information I needed to be her bridesmaid. I gave her an ultimatum because of it. I wasn’t (and still aren’t) the only person missing key information about this wedding or what her supposed difficult circumstances are. She wants people to have sympathy for troubles they aren’t aware of. That was her defense for why I shouldn’t be giving ultimatums and should be patient and considerate. Of course, the wedding is like the first week of July and she first asked me to be a bridesmaid in May, but I still didn’t have the dress information and had to find out the exact date of the ceremony from another person. It’s nearly impossible to contact her, so although I probably could’ve said it better, I think I was justified in giving her an ultimatum over something she’s rushing anyway and is supposed to be organizing. Either way, she “kicked me out” of the wedding party because she was offended that I wouldn’t be considerate of circumstances she didn’t mention, and only exactly as vaguely as it sounds, until I had said I was angry for her lack of reliability. Quite frankly it’s suspicious that she doesn’t mention these vague problems with no explanation until someone gets angry that she rushes them but then disappears without divulging necessary information. So yeah, she isn’t talking to me, and is still mad, and I likely won’t go to her ceremony. My plan is to make her a gift and have someone else deliver it.

On to the second thing, today I got into an argument with a friend of seventeen years. I’m five months from 21, so that’s even more important to me. Basically, I started out teasing him about his lack of grammar and spelling on facebook (though to be honest it was very hard to read, he really butchered English in the initial message and subsequent responses). But he started on about how I was bein hype and all this talk was pointless and didn’t have anything to do with anything. I gave a thoughtful and logic-based response for why he should care about grammar and spelling. He responded by mocking me and name-calling. I stayed calm and respectful, going into more detail about what I meant, as well as refuting his unnecessary accusations which weren’t even relevant or were blatantly twisting my words out of context or straight up sticking new ones in my mouth. Either way it didn’t end well and my feelings are extremely hurt.

This is more a rant post, about a week and a half in the making. I’ll get back with a useful post later or tomorrow (or Monday).

 

Reconciling and More Strange Dreams

So, I apologized to Anpu the other day. Why? Well if you saw my crazed post maybe a week ago if I’m remembering correctly, you’ll remember that I blew up at Them and yelled angrily at Them. I’m aiming to apologize to Wepwawet and Sekhmet individually. I think I’ll focus on working with them individually and making a relationship one on one before worshiping them all together. I felt like Anpu wanted first dibs on the personal attention, like we mutually agreed we got off to the wrong start and should start over.

The thing is, I’ve had these disturbing sex dreams. Like the last dream I had, there was a part I purposely left out because it was an awkward part about sex that was extremely unusual and somewhat disturbing and involved TB. I had another dream today that was very disturbing and unfortunately not the first time I’ve had it. I have a twin sister, and that’s all I’ll say about it, read between the lines. The thing is I don’t know what they’re supposed to mean or why I’m having them. It’s not pleasant to wake up after them and have no idea why they’re there or what to do about it.

Like for real, is a deity trying to get my attention? Or defer it? I’m not sure at all, and it’s not really helping my mental state, especially since the subject is not even close to being easy to talk about. It’s not like I’m dreaming about flying brick whales or rabbits stealing spaghetti. It’s not like it’s snakes or rollercoasters or at the very least something easy like my best friend. Sex dreams about your best friend you talk to about sex anyway is pretty easy, even if it’s kooky or eyebrow raising. At least for me. Ultra creepy dreams about my twin sister? Not so much. I still haven’t even told TB about the dream from my last post. It’s totally off the wall and definitely not something that can be found in a dream dictionary. I feel like it means something, but what? I need someone who isn’t involved in my life to ask about this more privately.

Maybe the gods will make the meaning more obvious on Their own or through someone else.