MoWD-Light

I cannot feel your light.

Your burning cinders,

Your burnished bronze,

Your rich indigo,

Both chilled and warm,

Shudder-inducing in its frosty breeze,

Soothing and enveloping in its heat.

None of the excitement of late autumn,

Nor the relaxing of mid spring.

Though your light paints the horizon

Every dawn and dusk,

I cannot touch you in it.

I cannot feel you breathing into me.

I feel a whole lot of nothing

Though I see you daily.

I feel a little of everything

Trying to reach you.

Where are you?

Put Out

This is a status I posted to my Facebook. Currently it’s hidden because Zolfyer wants to take a look at it, however his family doesn’t know about this blog and I’ll happily post it here. The status is really for his and Cousin’s family, to alert them to why he’s been kicked out. It’s been edited to exclude their names, but otherwise this is the status as I wrote it.

Yesterday evening I put Cousin and Fiancee out of my house. Two days ago I argued with Cousin about using the slur “midget” in my house. I had not intended to start an argument, I wasn’t even angry, I simply said “I don’t know if you realize, but midget is a slur.” He first told me “I’m not trying to get into thiswith you right now.” When I stood my ground because I A) was not tryingto fight, B) have a right to control the use of slurs or other insensitive language in my home and C) I can get into it with whoever I want over whatever I want and he must either shut up and listen because my house, my rules or get out. In the end he told me “Lots of people use lots of slurs everyday.” I told him I don’t care, this isn’t that house, we are not those people. If he wants to make a house where they use slurs all day everyday, he can go right ahead, but while they were here, he would not do that.

For all of Friday and all of yesterday, neither he nor Fiancee spoke to us in any capacity. They were rude to my guests on Saturday, one of whom is supposed to be Cousin’s friend as well as ours. They didn’t so much as tell our guests god bless you when they sneezed. Instead they spent the entire day on our internet, pretending we didn’t exist and completely isolating themselves in our living room. While we were in there.

This morning they broke some rules. They say they don’t remember me giving them the rule that whenever they leave, they must tell someone they are leaving. I gave them this rule so that we can lock the door behind them and be aware that they are leaving and where they are going so that, in the event of an emergency, they can be located. I’m ok with them not remembering that rule. I’m not ok with them speeding out of the house so they can avoid interacting with us, and more importantly leaving their ferrets without food or water.

When they returned I told them I wanted to talk. That I wanted to tell them some new rules, and make clear what behavior is and isn’t ok. I made them agree to listen, because we weren’t going to argue. There is nothing to argue about, they don’t have a right to argue, because it is my home and I have a right to dictate rules and what is or is not ok behavior. Fiancee agreed, Cousin remained silent and I had to ask twice more just to get an “mhmm”.

I started with this morning, asking them if they remembered me giving them a rule about telling people when they were leaving. I also made it clear that it wasn’t ok for them to act like we didn’t exist, and it wasn’t ok for them to scramble out of the house to avoid us. I also told them it wasn’t acceptable for them to leave the ferrets without food or water just because they had a problem with us. Cousin decided that he could argue that point, dismissing my issue by saying “Ferrets can go without food or water for 24 hours.”

It doesn’t matter. You don’t leave your pets neglected and stranded for any reason. He insisted that I didn’t have a right to dictate that since they’re his ferrets, and I told him that as long as they are here, in my house, I did. It is not acceptable to leave your pets neglected while they are living in my home. He continued to talk over me and blow me off, as well as saying that he wasn’t required to speak to anyone if he didn’t want to. Nevermind that I had just told him that wasn’t ok in my house and that is a rule. Silent treatment is not allowed, it is manipulative and mean-spirited. He continued trying to argue with me, so I told him to leave.

He said he was happy to leave, since I always try and have these conversations when Zolfyer isn’t here so I can “step over the line”. I told him, in no uncertain terms, that I have a right to step over the line. It is my home, my name is on the lease, he is a guest, allowed to be here at the risk of us getting evicted, out of love and generosity. I get to draw the line, and step all over it if I so desire. Further, Zolfyer made clear to me that he would stand behind whatever decisions I made and anything I said to them, so that’s a moot point. I am also not stepping over the line by asserting my boundaries and my authority in my house for him, a guest, to abide by. I am not stepping over the line by demanding he respect me and my house and my rules and right to make rules.

I will no longer tolerate being disrespected, dismissed, or made to feel uncomfortable and miserable in my home. I will not argue with anyone about what is or isn’t appropriate in my home. This is my home, I get to dictate where the line is, what the rules are and what is or isn’t acceptable. I will not be talked down to, I will not have arrogance flaunted in my face, I will not have my rules broken. I will not be told that my rules don’t have to be followed or that I can’t say what is or isn’t appropriate behavior for every creature living in my space. They are not unreasonable or extreme in any fashion and I have a right to set them and give out consequences.

You were MY guests. Not my roommates, my guests. I and Zolfyer allowed you here out of the kindness of our hearts. No one else took you in, so without us you’d be stuck in Georgia. Yet you have the gall to treat us and our house with contempt? To post memes on facebook about how you’d rather work hard for everything than say anyone gave you something? We gave you a roof for you and your pregnant fiancee, we have allowed you to stay here for only 100$ a month so you could save quickly and in large amounts. We have let your disrespect and contempt for our rules and our right to set them for too long. You are not allowed to speak to us that way, as if you have equal rights to this house, as if we have no authority over our home. You will not take pot shots at my integrity either and stay here.

You do not get to ignore me and Zolfyer, or treat us poorly. How dare you come into our home, on our dime, our space, our love, our kindness, our generosity, and treat us this way. How dare you be so nasty and rude and callous to me. How dare you dismiss my feelings and my needs, my right to control my home and feel emotionally safe in it. If I had said no that day he asked if you could stay, you wouldn’t be here. How dare you do that to your cousin. How dare you make him feel miserable and unsafe in his home, a home he pays for in its entirety, including taking care of you and your fiancee. You are not allowed in this house again, except to retrieve your belongings. If you cause any problems for us while retrieving your things, we will have an issue.

Your ferrets are safe here. I won’t leave them hungry and thirsty just because I have a problem with you and your behavior.

If any family or friends have any questions about this situation, please feel free to contact us, as this was a long time coming, because Cousin and Fiancee have not been good house guests. Cousin has been disrespecting Zolfyer and me for longer than this one week. We were trying to be good cousins, generous and loving and forgiving. We were hoping to be able to work this out, and this is not our first time having to reestablish rules with them because they were breaking them. We were trying to not be hardasses and we didn’t want to ask them to leave, however, our home has become emotionally volatile and unsafe due to Cousin’s behavior and the fact that he doesn’t respect me and treats us with contempt. I will not allow this behavior in my home, I am not beneath anyone and I will not be treated like I am.

For any friends or family who want to know, they have until Wednesday to get their things. They MUST CALL ME before they arrive, or they won’t be allowed in. Not Zolfyer, me. Their ferrets are allowed to stay until Friday, after that they become ours and will likely be taken to a shelter unless they make arrangements with us.

It’s nice to have them out of my house, I will say that.

Zep Tepi is Coming, and I’m Bringing It

Right now I’m sitting next to my Anubis statue, thinking about lunch. Earlier had this strange desire to bring it out of my room to hang out in the living room. I know it seems strange to be out here considering my post the other day. However, I am actually completely alone in my home right now. I am delighted at how much better my house feels, and I haven’t done more than the dishes and clean the bathtub.

So, I’m sure you’re all wondering what happened. Today Zolfyer is going to a tournament. This was planned two weeks ago, so whatever. Technically Cousin was supposed to go, he even got off work. Then he and I argued and Cousin found out that he wasn’t able to take Fiancee with him (his reasoning was he wouldn’t get to spend a lot of time with her next week because of work, everyone going was like, we need room for a person who is actually going to play and not be a distraction because pregnant people get exhausted really fast and have a lot of needs, so it isn’t a good idea to bring her out to New York for a late day trip) and decided not to go. He claimed he didn’t know about them only taking one car, even though Zolfyer most definitely told him that our car Maxwell was not going out to New York. Either way, he didn’t ask clarifying questions up until the night I argued with him, and he outright refused to ask our friend, who is the one driving (and also the one he was rude to last night) any questions. Like whether Fiancee could come.

To clarify about last night, Cousin and Fiancee decided that acting as if no one else existed was a good course of action. Whatever, Zolfyer was at work half the day and I was asleep for a good portion because my sleep schedule is whack. However, we had two friends come over, T and S. Now, they don’t really know S, Cousin has met her maybe twice. T, however, is their friend too, and is the leader of our Cardfight! Vanguard team. Further, he’s done them a lot of favors in respect to that team. Card games can get pretty expensive, and T went out of his way to try and include Cousin in the team and make sure the other team members treated him and Fiancee with respect. Apparently Fiancee doesn’t actually like him, T can be a little callous and he is very straightforward. He’s still very caring, he’s just an asshole about it. Z and I have other friends like him, so it’s not really a big deal to us, especially if you tell him you’re not cool with something, he usually changes his behavior and/or apologizes. This is another example of how communication could save Fiancee and Cousin a lot of trouble, but they choose not to. Anyway, T comes in and, not really aware of the tension of the house because of the argument, tries to talk to Cousin and Fiancee. Cousin says literally three words to him and otherwise ignores him for his computer game. (Notice how they’re perfectly content to use our internet while completely ignoring us) Fiancee says nothing. They say two words to S.

Now, logically, this is unacceptable behavior. You don’t treat guests like that! You don’t treat a friend like that! Especially when they have no idea and nothing to do with whatever reason you’ve got a foul attitude. You certainly don’t act that way to someone else’s guests, certainly not while a guest in someone else’s house. We didn’t want to slap that hornet’s nest while our guests were here, because we wanted to hang out with them. Cousin and Fiancee did not interact with any of us for the entire night. Not so much as a “god bless you” for a sneeze was given, although Fiancee did say excuse me to our cat.

You read that right. She excused herself to the cat, but couldn’t say hi to our guests or even bless their sneezes, much less mine. They did talk to each other, and Cousin, still on his game, on our internet, was happily yammering to his online friends. He said three words to Zolfyer, “Adrian says hi”. Otherwise he’d have gone completely without speaking to us for day two. Adrian is Zolfyer’s friend first, so Cousin couldn’t avoid passing the message without betraying his petty motives. We decided it wasn’t worth it to pester them after our guests left. Z needed to sleep because he had to get up early, so we left it for today.

Now to really explain why I’m home alone.

Let me give you a little understanding of how my house works. How I work as well. I’m paranoid. I am aware of this, I am honest about it, I tell people as much. I am a small woman, at this point in my life, partially disabled. Safety is a huge priority for me, if only because I get a lot of intrusive thoughts of danger and assault. This means I have some rules related to that. Close the windows at night, draw the blinds, leave at least one light on at night if we’re going out and lock my door. This might seem like a given, but you’d be amazed at how many people don’t lock their doors, or how often I end up fussing at a guest because they didn’t lock the door behind them.

I check the door at least once per day, regardless of whether or not I can clearly see that both the deadbolt and the doorknob are locked, regardless of whether or not I was the one who locked it, or if I just watched someone lock it. In fact, I often check the locks immediately after a person that isn’t me or Z locks it. It’s a big deal to me. You know which of my friends sees me the most by who either gets out of my way so I can lock it, or double checks the door is locked behind them before I even get to the door. I demand that my door is locked properly at all times.

Cousin had a hard time with this when they first got here. In Georgia, he and his roommates didn’t lock their front door. Look, I can understand that it’s a house of boys in a small town in Georgia, but come on, there were still neighbors and they didn’t know any of them. The entire first month you heard me every single day asking why my door wasn’t locked, or me commanding him to lock my damn door. It wasn’t unreasonable, though I probably could have been nicer about it, I’ll admit. However, to me it is a carelessness that can get us hurt or robbed. Lock my fucking door.

This leads to a very important rule: Tell us when you’re leaving. They don’t have a key, which means they can’t get in unless someone is home, and they can’t lock the deadbolt. Since they lost their car early on, they don’t have a key, and they don’t know my city, it’s for their safety and my peace of mind to know when they’re leaving, where they’re going and how long they’ll be out. At the very least it means we have a direction to go in if something were to happen to them while out. It also makes sure my fucking door is locked. Considering I have a wacky sleep schedule, this is especially important when I’m asleep and they’re going somewhere. I need to be alerted that the house is about to be empty so that I can LOCK MY DOOR. Being unaware that I’ve been left alone, especially with an improperly locked door, is very scary for me. Just like how I nearly throttled my cat because she somehow kicked one of the window screens out, giving me a rush of panic that she might have gotten out and could be lost, and that someone might have broken in while I was out. I was extra angry when I came in to hear her meowing an “I didn’t do it!” But also extremely relieved because she was safe, all our stuff was safe and she hadn’t damaged the screen. It only occurred to me after I’d taken a deep breath that the door had been properly locked and no idiot would burglarize a home in broad daylight and not at least leave through the front door instead of the tiny ass window only a toddler can fit through.

This leads to this morning, with Zolfyer getting up at 7 to get dressed. He wanted to get his hair cut (he was pretty scruffy, and he doesn’t shave so he gets his goatee shaped up at the barber) before meeting up with T so that they could head to this tournament in New York. Now, I had planned to either confront them about their behavior or force them to visit someone anyway, but I wasn’t expecting Z to come in incredulous and pissed off before 7:30.

You see, Cousin and Fiancee heard him get up. I assume they were awake already or something, since the living room was straightened up (though not enough, since they still left a dirty napkin, a piece of plastic and crumbs all over the table, while their laptop took up space) when Z went out there. They heard him get up and as soon as he went back in our room to get dressed they dashed into the bathroom and rushed to get out of the house before he left the bedroom. Yep, they were that desperate to avoid any interaction with us whatsoever. In fact, I had to feed THEIR ferrets and give them water, because they hadn’t done that in their rush to avoid us.

That in itself made me mad, but I didn’t know about that at first. No, I was more angry, and am still more angry, that they had acted so immaturely over these past two days, and were being so petulant and passive-aggressive that they dashed out of the house. Violating my two most important rules. Z hypothesizes that they assumed, since he was up and would be leaving soon (not that they knew what time he planned to leave, so what does that say about how determined they were to treat us with contempt) that they didn’t need to lock the door or tell us they were leaving so that he’d come lock it.

Except that isn’t what the rules are. The rules are, you must tell someone when you are leaving, regardless of whether they are leaving shortly after you or are awake. This way they can lock the door after you and know that you’re gone and where you’re going. These rules have been in place since they got here. In addition, they’ve been flaunting other rules we set for them, such as clean up the livingroom every day, especially putting the air mattress down and folding your shit up when you choose to sleep on the couch instead. We also asked them to get off the internet at 3am (technically to turn off all electronics, but really we meant get off the internet since that’s primarily what they do), which Cousin doesn’t adhere to, which I wasn’t aware of otherwise I’d have made a big deal about it.

We also had to throw out three sets of tupperware because they make food for Fiancee and then she doesn’t eat it all or throw it out. I didn’t see them all the way in the back of the fridge (and was confused why we were missing tupperware, but we lose them all the time so I didn’t think anything of it) until I saw something weird while putting groceries away. Low and behold moldy food. Her moldy food, because it wasn’t anything I had made for dinner.

I’m tired of them acting like our rules are optional. Like they have an equal stake here and have the ability or luxury to treat us poorly and with contempt. I’m tired of them not caring about our space and our needs and the fact that we get to dictate what is and isn’t appropriate behavior because by Anpu’s fangs this is our fucking house. Our name is on the lease. We allowed you in here. I ALLOWED YOU IN HERE. If I had told Z no, they’d still be in Georgia, stuck hardcore. Yet I’m always the bad guy, shoving my words down their throats, making them miserable and scared to speak up, attacking Cousin for no reason. Always making everything he says a problem. Yet they can’t even follow some simple rules or even clean up after themselves consistently. They can’t respect Z and what he does for them, or his hard work to provide for everyone.

I had to pick up a dead roach a few days ago. Z and I are very clean people. There were two dirty bowls on the coffee table and all four glasses were out of the cabinet, only one in the sink. Crumbs from food everywhere. We tell them to clean up after themselves. To not leave food out. To put their dishes in the sink before they go to sleep. The day before the roach they had pizza and I told them to put their crusts in the garbage and plates in the sink. I come out the next day, at noon and they’re still there, the two of them asleep. It took all of my strength not to go off, Cousin’s excuse was “damn, I knew I forgot something”. They’re right in front of your fucking face, you nasty motherfucker.

So, when they get back, whenever that might be, there will be a discussion. It will not be an argument, because I am not going to argue with them. There is nothing to argue about, because they don’t have the right to argue with me. I have the right to dictate what is and is not appropriate behavior inside my home, and my rules are law. I will not be mistreated, dismissed or treated with contempt any longer. I will not be made uncomfortable in my home by bad guests who disrespect me and my rules. Who think it acceptable to argue with their host about whether they’re allowed to use slurs, or ignore them in totality, who do these things while still using their resources. Who think it acceptable to mistreat friends and guests just because they’re having a tantrum. Who have fucking tantrums all over facebook. I don’t have to tolerate immaturity, selfishness, arrogance or passive-aggression. I’ve had enough of emotional manipulation and abuse. I’ve had enough of being belittled and dismissed and ignored, of having my boundaries stomped on and treated callously. I’ve had enough of somehow always being the bad guy just because I have high standards and expect people to bring their A game if they step to me.

I will not, I will not, I will not have pests in my home because of them or anyone.

Whether they get two weeks or two hours to get out of my house depends entirely on how they act when I lay down my law. I will reestablish ma’at in my home. Zep Tepi is coming, and I’m the one bringing it.

To say this experience has changed us would be an understatement. It is a neutral change, because there are good things and bad things. Zolfyer says he feels angrier and more petty and vindictive. I have to say I feel the same.However, we’ve also learned quite clearly what and where our boundaries are, and we are developing the strength, courage, desire and determination to protect those boundaries and protect our home. It is likely that the negatives will end up hurting innocent others at some point, since we are now more sensitive and liable to lash out or cut off. Beaten dogs bite and all. Nonetheless, we must protect ourselves from abuse and being taken advantage of.

Anubis is a god of many things. Lord of thePavilion. Protector of His Father. I intend to rebalance my home TODAY. For my god is also He Who Is One with Ma’at. More importantly, he is also He Who Brings Calamity on His Enemies. I am his daughter, and this bitch bites.

 

When Ma’at Becomes Isfet 2

The funny thing about life is how easily things can turn around. One day you’re totally doing the right thing, the next you realize you’ve made a horrible mistake, or what you’ve been doing backfires spectacularly. Maybe you were using a routine that worked perfectly, and now find it doesn’t fit you anymore. This certainly ties into my last post, and I’m starting to think I’m in that changeover phase. I’ve realized things are no longer working how they were before, and it’s time to change. Will that mean that I’ll permanently not consider myself a Kemetic anymore, even though I still strongly identify with the religion and its tenets? Possibly, or this could be a pressured sort of situation.

By that I mean, multiple things have come together to force the old out and cause change. I’m a little complacent, yes, quite lazy at times, just as much as I’m dealing with a broken brain and an uncooperative body. Last night I was pondering meditation and came upon why, even though I can meditate, I don’t like to. This train of thought was born of reading a post by someone else (another point I’m going to make later was inspired by reading a post this evening) about movement and dance. Ironically it was not, in fact, Devo, but a witch I follow on tumblr. It made me realize that I also have difficulty quieting my body, much moreso than quieting my mind. It’s not that I can’t sit still, it’s that I have physical problems that make it uncomfortable to sit or lie in certain positions for extended periods. Further, while I can quiet my mind if I try hard enough, I don’t actually want to.

It is almost physically painful for me to quiet my mind. I am a thinker and a dreamer. I have a very loud brain, and it loves to craft ideas. More importantly, it’s depressed and anxious, it’s also angry (that’s what happens when you are told repeatedly that your emotions are too intense, invalid, shouldn’t exist and then heap abuse on top of it). It’s quite painful to have my brain sit still for any extended length. Even when I’m going to sleep, it’s busy. It’s also boring, but that’s something else entirely. I never really considered it that deeply before, but there it is. Am I willing to do it? Yes, I’ve meditated successfully before with visualizations. Even then, however, we can see that I’m not sitting in the total silence, blank mind sort of meditation.

As I said in my last post, I don’t intend to drop Anpu. I don’t intend to completely abandon what I know and love. Perhaps I should do some divination (something I’ve been avoiding because I’m nervous. I can tell that I’d get better readings if I worked intuitively instead of with the cards’ ascribed meanings, but I know I have sock puppet syndrome sometimes, and yay anxiety for making everything hard). Perhaps I should just poke around or toss a flare into the netjeru’s space. Lost puppy to a good home. Bakes. Has cat. Stubborn, not terribly consistent, easily bored, skittish. It would certainly be something, but I don’t know yet.

Starting on a new path and maintaining it was ma’at. It is now becoming stale, burdensome and useless. Isfet. I must either change my path or abandon it entirely, I must maintain ma’at.

I already elaborated on the biggest pain in the ass part of my life. I’d like to touch on some other things here. First about this movement as meditation part. I don’t know if that’s a good alternative for me. For one thing, I don’t have a lot of space, and anyone who has ever done yoga with pets knows that they get in the way. My kitten, for example, loves to be underfoot for reasons we can’t comprehend. We’ve nearly hurt her more than once because she walked right up behind us and under a raised foot. Really though, lack of space is a big factor, along with self-consciousness. I was thinking for a while that I could sing, but that takes more effort than one might think, and I’d potentially be doing it for several songs. Even just the change over would be distracting. Then I was thinking meditating with my plants, which I will likely give a try at some point. I’m going to keep trying to come up with other ideas as well.

Then there’s still magic. I plan to work more extensively with my plants and hopefully find info on devas and individual spirits. Water is a harder one for me, I don’t live objectively close to any bodies of water and I know that physical proximity helps me a lot. I recently found some nice sigil resources and need to go through those. I’d also like to learn more about clairsentience (touchy-touchy me) and other touch-based magic, therapies and divination. I also need to play around with what I’ve got, since I can feel in my bones that I’d get better readings from my cards if I did it by intuition.

Shadow work. I know I need to do shadow work. I will be honest and say I’m afraid. I’m also stubborn, because in some ways, for some things, with certain people, I don’t want to let things go. Very common thought process, I’m sure. Perhaps this is also why my practice and relationship went sour. Anpu did mention shadow work quite frequently. Even Dapper has scolded me for avoiding it, not that he should talk. I have very intense emotions. For someone who wasn’t taught healthy ways to handle intense emotions, trying to confront them and the fact they’ve been pent up and compounded for years is terrifying. It’s also angering, because I shouldn’t have to do this. I shouldn’t have to do this and the people who hurt me should be sorry and should have been sorry sooner.

I see why Kali wants me. She certainly knows all about getting carried away by strong emotions. Anpu is a god of change, which I brought up a few posts ago. Perhaps these things will get sorted out once my house is whole and calm and aired out.

I mentioned that there was another post I had read. This was about cocoons and change. I wasn’t expecting it, but it was certainly timely. It described reasons why one might feel a witchy change, a witchy cocoon phase, would be happening and the “symptoms” you might feel as it happens. I certainly feel like I’m going through that right now. It’s difficult.

I still feel like I’d benefit from a louder, more active god and more structure. It’s hard to find structure that works when your mind is very fluid. It’s always moving and always wants to move. Crochet is probably the only thing that really matches both structure and fluidity, but at the same time it’s very stimulating and creative. I suppose I could try that, since I do like making simpler things with the knowledge I know as opposed to following complex patterns. It depends on my mood. It just seems both difficult and silly to really meditate or even try to astral while crocheting. There are moments of focus necessary, even with simple designs and stitches. Won’t hurt to try though right?

Any suggestions for me out there? For example, where can I get a decent, tiny cauldron? Like, just bowl sized or something. Also, someone remind me to get cheap red pots as well, and a red pen, and ingredients for baking and yummy foods. I intend to celebrate wep ronpet this year, because I honestly feel like I need to. New year, new path, new god, new me. I may also reach out to Aset, I hear this is a special week for her. I haven’t talked to her in a while, and perhaps she or one of the other goddesses can help me here. I admit freely to being too scared of Kali to work with Her, it has kept me out of shrine honestly. They say all goddesses are one goddess in Hinduism, and there is quite a bit of overlap. I imagine it won’t hurt to ask Kali to be a little less frightening, or gentle, to give me a nudge or something in the right direction. A few hints perhaps of where or how I should look for information. (HINT HINT KALI, HINT HINT ANPU, HUMANS ARE HARDHEADED)

I love this religion a lot. I love these gods a lot. I love this community a lot. I just need more help. Something to go on, some direction, something that even my stubbornly fluid, lazy brain can happily latch on to and do. Or at least relentless pursuit and nagging until I get shit done (jk, that doesn’t work that well). I’m tired of long ass Fallow Times. I’m definitely tired of being unable to contact Dapper. I am tired of this cluttered apartment in this cluttered city where my windows view concrete and asphalt. Where are my plants, I need leafy hugs.

I do wonder what I’ll accomplish if I start working with my plants. Finding information on working with plant devas and individual plant spirits is a pain. Most green and plant magic is all about herbs and oils and whatnot. While I don’t mind that, I don’t have the luxury of doing that type of spellcraft, because I don’t have space for the plants and I don’t really cook with fresh herbs. My typical seasoning is mixed, so kitchen witchery is kind of weird. I can’t afford to just buy things willy nilly either. It’s so hard to really figure out what I want and what I need. I really just don’t know what I need and can’t articulate it.

Until then I’ll play around and just focus on planning for wep ronpet. Mayhaps I’ll finally join the KO beginner’s class. I don’t like their application honestly. I can understand it, and understand the reasoning for the questions on it. I just don’t like being asked those questions. They’re difficult to answer (which I suppose is the point), but they’re also often used to judge me and make things unnecessarily difficult. Sort of like “why do you want to work here” at job interviews. I’m lost and need help, y’all have pre-established structure and stuff. It may be time to break out Eternal Egypt again. Been a while since I read that. I’m ok with that though. Now if only I was any good at song-writing or music making and then I could sing.

I’m also wondering if I could make it a habit to pray or otherwise give offerings at sundown or something. Sundown is a little inconvenient, if only because it often happens around dinner time, which would be good for offerings I suppose. There’s always dawn and sunrise, but I’m not a morning person, and further I’ll be starting school soon. Sunset may be better. We’ll see, I may give it a try. 21 days to build a habit right?

Now it’s getting early, 5:33 am. I’m gonna play with my plants and cards for a bit, because why not? I am a horizon child, this is my time.

When Ma’at Becomes Isfet

Since March, Zolfyer’s cousin and his fiancee (henceforth to be referred to as Cousin and Fiancee) have been staying with us. They were about to get kicked out of their apartment, one of their roommates ditched them–like, packed up all his things, moved out in the four hours the house was empty, cut his phone off and hadn’t paid his share of the final rent or utilities, ditched– and Fiancee is pregnant. Further, Cousin’s mom is unstable, with a house that really isn’t fit to live in and Fiancee’s parents are racist (Cousin is black like us, Fiancee is white). Since they wanted to move north anyway and they didn’t have money or time to find a new apartment down south, they begged all of our family to let them stay. We told them they could stay here, although technically Fiancee was supposed to go back down south to finish school and graduate. Did I mention she’s 18 and he’s my age? No? She doesn’t have her high school diploma, her birth certificate or her SSID card. To say it’s a lunatic situation is an understatement and mostly irrelevant. That’s her life, I’m only going to get but so involved.

They came here in March. There is now four people in a one bedroom apartment, and a baby on the way. They also have two ferrets, and it was lucky that Fiancee had someone who was able to keep her snakes. We already have a cat, she’s currently lounging on our clean laundry with her pure black fur. Our house is very busy. Zolfyer and I accepted this and we’re doing our best to take it in stride. We assisted Cousin with his job search, having two HR professionals detail his resume, suggest jobs they knew were hiring and we even paid for some of the things he needed, such as bus fare, car insurance before he lost his car (no job=no money=repo) and something to wear for an interview. We scraped, scrounged and asked for money from our parents and siblings to make sure everyone was fed. We took them to one of the city’s biggest festivals as a treat and a distraction from the hard first month. Cousin got a job and we told him he’d only have to give us $100 a month so that he could save as much as he could, as fast as he could. We thought the baby was due in September, so first week of August you need to be out.

This is ma’at, helping others in desperate situations. Helping the people you care about and love. Making the world a little more orderly, more awesome. Being generous.

Then we realized, slowly, that this was not nearly as ma’at as we thought.

Cousin is argumentative. He has bad communication skills. He likes to give people the silent treatment when he is angry. A post he made today made clear that he believes he is never in the wrong, that he is always a victim.

People get upset with him unnecessarily because of the things he says. Why isn’t he allowed to have an opinion? Why is everything he says supposedly sexist, racist, wrong, hurtful or messed up? Why are people always attacking him? He’s also passive aggressive. He and I argued fiercely yesterday because I do not allow slurs to be used in my home. In this case it was “midget,” directed towards a short character, who may very well have been a child, in some inane video he posted on facebook. He’s made rape jokes in the past, though he wasn’t living with us at the time. I was in the wrong when I got upset at him and ruined his gaming mood. He ruined my gaming mood. He didn’t consider at all my feelings and why I was upset and took offense to it. He spent all day today posting passive-aggressive memes on facebook since I won’t let him say “midget” in my home and called him out for being sexist the day before.

I quote:

Normally i dont post my feelings on pictures and social media..but why..why..When i open my mouth its sexist, mean, assholish, or coming of wrong. I justthink shutting up and not saying anything like i did before i way better.People wouldnt get offended and attack if i did that.

For those who like pictures: Cousin's Nonsense

His passive-aggression doesn’t end there. We also discovered, over these painfully long four months, that he’s emotionally manipulative. Zolfyer used to have an anger problem because he spent his entire youth being bullied mercilessly and experienced loneliness and abuse at home. He was in anger management for seven years. I have only seen him angry enough to hit objects ten times, and that’s an overestimation. Somewhere between five and ten. I’ve only seen him angry enough to break objects twice, with the third time being an accident. The second time was last month, when Z was trying to explain to Cousin why he was angry and upset that he had blown him off, been passive aggressive and otherwise very dismissive, callous and belittling. The situation was that we were planning on going to a tournament (we play Cardfight! Vanguard) and Cousin and Fiancee were coming with us because they wanted to participate. Cousin was supposed to put up for gas and potential tolls. Coincidentally we had received news about unexpected extra money (debt really, increase in credit limit) and Cousin commented that he didn’t have the money to put up for gas like he’d promised. Now, not once earlier in the week had he mentioned that he’d be short the money. We wondered when he intended to tell us, and we knew why he was short, he’d purchased cards off of the internet. Both Cousin and Fiancee admit to not being very well educated in finances and being irresponsible, we were teaching them, Z had gone so far as to draw up a savings plan and carefully explain it.

Then Cousin and Z got into an argument about some cards that were worth money. I missed what initially started this, but the point is that it was part of the gas money disagreement and was also calling on their words and memories of events earlier in the week. Namely, the budget, what Z had written down for Cousin, which cards were supposed to exist, who was supposed to get them and why, and where they were supposed to be. Everything was supposedly recorded, and Cousin, in an attempt to be correct, tried to find proof he was correct. The paper didn’t say which was correct, although it supported Z’s story more. Z insisted he knew what he was talking about and what he had said. Cousin gave an angry non-apology (I’m sorry you think I’m wrong, sort of deal, I’m sorry you’re upset and arguing, type of thing). This made Z angry. Not only is it disrespectful, but it’s also dismissive, and manipulative. It’s belittling, contemptuous even.

Zolfyer largely hates conflict. He experienced it too much as a child, and being tormented and isolated makes him afraid of being disliked, however he pushed off the fear of backlash to confront Cousin about his behavior. Cousin continued being distant, passive-aggressive, dismissive, belittling and emotionally manipulative. Acting cool and collected, like he’s reasonable, never once admitting that he was wrong. Constantly turning things around and making non-apologies and double-bind statements to make it seem as if Z was being totally out of control and his memory was suspect. Eventually, when Z said that he wasn’t trying to fight but he was so totally frustrated by Cousin’s arrogance and his refusal to take any responsibility whatsoever, Cousin said “I’m not fighting, you’re the only one who is fighting. I’m totally calm.”

Thoroughly upset, frustrated and angry, feeling taken advantage of and like his memories and thoughts and feelings were being dismissed, ignored and feeling twisted into the bad guy position (which, considering his past history with emotional abuse, bullying and dealing with unintentional emotional neglect from extreme poverty, is totally triggering) he goes into our bedroom, slams the door and puts a hole in it. Then dents his mini fridge, mostly because he wanted to avoid putting a hole in the wall. I spent fifteen minutes cleaning and bandaging his hands. It took two weeks for his knuckles to heal.

This is an intense example. This is one of the most intense examples. Most of my other examples are much smaller, more low key. Cousin refused to go to the tournament, which meant that the two friends who were also going (this was a team tourney, you need groups of three, now they were one short) were assed out. Because he couldn’t grow up and get over himself, he failed two people who he made a commitment to. I had to go instead, because I tell our friends that I will always play if they need me. I’m not competitive and despise crowds, enclosed spaces and especially crowded enclosed spaces. Traveling also takes a lot of energy from me, and this tournament was in Maryland. I was extremely cranky and exhausted from the beginning, especially since, as an empath, arguments take a lot out of me just to be around (on top of that my deck was behind everyone else, so I was at a huge disadvantage because support for my clan didn’t exist yet). Cousin also acts this way towards Fiancee, including frequently getting angry at her and yelling at her when she confides or vents to us, then follows it up with telling her he’s “glad she has someone she can talk to and confide it.” Then, when she vents and confides, gets really angry at her again. Also gives her the silent treatment, going so far as to lock her out of their bedroom while they were still down south.

My intense example was yesterday, about him treating me with contempt. I don’t hit people or objects, so there won’t be any of that. I did, however, rant a metric ton to other people. If you’d like to see the rant detailing most of the situation, you may do so here. More clarifying information for that is this: Cousin was insistent that his future daughter could not have sex in his house before she turned 16, but his future son could. BGF and I asked him repeatedly to clarify, to elaborate, and all he had to say was “because that’s my girl, my princess and that’s my boy, my prince”. We asked why the boy got to but not the girl, we asked why was there a double standard, we asked why did it matter, we asked why could he but not she. We phrased it about six different ways, each, and he still gave the same answer. He insists I jumped down his throat and never gave him the chance to answer. He also told Z that I am always shoving my words down his and Fiancee’s throats. Among other things. He basically ranted to Zolfyer that I’m a huge problem to them and that I act in an unfair and antisocial manner. He hasn’t spoken to me all day, never even looked me in the eye.

If you’ve chosen to read this far, and have even read my rant, you’ll understand what I’m about to say next.

Ma’at is decaying. It is becoming isfet. It needs to change.

They are creating one hell of a toxic environment. They are literally taking up space, food and energy without giving a significant balance back. My house is dirty and smells from their ferrets. I’m tired of being confined to my room or the kitchen because their things are spread out in the livingroom and they can’t be bothered to clean up after themselves consistently unless someone starts cleaning. My bathroom stinks and is perpetually dirty because of the extra people taking long showers. They don’t seem to know how to get out of the shower without dragging water all over the floor, which means my rug gets soaked and nearly had to be thrown out from mold and mildew.

I am angry. I am perpetually angry because of things they do, or things they say. Usually to Z, but also to me. I am tired of being disrespected and treated with contempt in my own home. I am tired of my boyfriend being treated with contempt and disrespect in his home. He pays for literally everything, almost $2,000 per MONTH, with two jobs and freelance work and we only ask for $100 from them. He should not have anyone say to him, but especially not the person in his home out of the generosity of his heart “well, be glad you don’t work nine hours a day.” (I actually nearly went off on my mother for saying something about his work hours. People like to demean the fact his jobs are part-time and discount their value and the toll they take) He shouldn’t be experiencing the anxiety, insomnia and lack of appetite he got from the mortgage job on his way HOME. He shouldn’t feel like he can’t be in his living room or kitchen because of the dank energy and nasty, petulant, cocky attitude of his cousin.

I should not have to argue with anyone about whether it is or isn’t ok to use slurs in my house. 

It occurred to me, that I haven’t been able to connect or focus as well on my spirit work since they got here. Now, part of that is Dapper being sick, another part is that I quiet my plants and Dapper when there are guests over. Some of my frequent guests are sensitive, so it’s only considerate. However, a lot more than that has taken a toll on my practice. I do still think it best for me to reach out to other gods and explore other paths and ideas, but I do know their being here has significantly impacted my spiritual health as much as my emotional health. It isn’t ok. They need to go, we were already thinking about moving up their date because it turns out Fiancee is due in August, not September, but now we’re getting to the point of being thoroughly fed up.

I’m not saying I’m completely in the right. I know that I’m not. I am not exactly a “fair” debater. I have very intense emotions and extremely strong opinions. I also want people to mean what they say and say what they mean. I expect people to back their statements and opinions up, and not expect me to take them at face value. I don’t like it when people try to dodge. I do attack people sometimes, or otherwise “jump down their backs.” Could I have handled my particular intense example better? Hell yeah, I could have. I did try and be calm from the get go, since I was calm and wasn’t trying to fight when the disagreement began. I genuinely didn’t think he knew that the slur “midget” was a big deal since lots of people use it. I know that I can handle things better and that doubtlessly some arguments I’ve had with Cousin or Fiancee are my fault and escalated because of me. That doesn’t excuse their behavior either though.

This cannot continue. When ma’at turns to isfet, you must turn it back. When they leave, my home is getting the most thorough cleansing I can possibly give it. There will be execrations, to say the least. I don’t know what else I’ll do, I’ll figure it out.

 

Change

I’ve gone through one hell of a rough time recently. Depression has hit me like a sack of building, to the point of a panic attack and the worst dissociative episode I’ve ever had. Then there’s the heat, and ugh, I am extremely sensitive to heat and humidity. Not only does it make me feel horribly sick, yucky and sluggish, but high heat and humidity is strongly associated with more asthma flares. Why? Well, that would be because high heat and humidity contributes to smog and increases the concentration of pollution and pollen. Pollution and heat combined are by far my worst asthma triggers aside from dust, mold and very frigid air (usually plus exercise). I can take my various plant allergies, they usually just make me a sneezy, sniffly, red-eyed mess, but that smog man, that smog.

As followers may know, I struggle with depression quite regular and it fucks me over spiritually. On top of that, I still don’t know what’s causing these neurological-type symptoms. I do know that the exhaustion of a week-long asthma flare (don’t ever tell an asthmatic that they shouldn’t be tired after a flare. ever.), the struggle of the suffocating heat and my depression has made the last week and a half pure hell. This stress has made me seriously reconsider what I’m doing religiously/spiritually. I’ve mused on it for a while now, trying to figure out where I’m going, where I want to be, and if I’m on the right path. This recent spell of trouble has really spurred me to reevaluate.

For a while I feel like I’ve floundered. I prefer more structure and it’s hard to find that in Kemeticism that isn’t the overwhelming priestly stuff. The vagueness of ma’at only makes it more frustrating. Don’t get me wrong, I love the netjer and I like and identify with a lot of the religious system. I love the mythology as well, and I love the community. I just, can’t figure out my head from my ass at home. I also like having things to do, which sounds weird from someone who enjoys worship, but I like goals and activities. Making shit up doesn’t work that well for me, as a depressed, sick introvert my brain works a little slow. Focus is hard to come by, so is energy, and clarity of thought or signal? Ha, surely you kid. Intense anxiety over my sanity is no picnic.

The other thing though, is that, despite my love of the netjeru, I can’t seem to connect with any of them. It’s not so much they don’t want me, a couple of them have at least shown interest and I could probably be confident that Aset is one I could rely on, but I really don’t feel connected to them. I understand that I’ve picked a quiet god, but I’m starting to think our relationship has changed, and we will no longer be the same devotee-devoted. I will likely still give him attention and pray to him, but I don’t think we’re the right fit for each other and I imagine he figured that out way before I did. Supposedly Kali is interested, I’ve received feedback from several avenues, but I really don’t know enough about Hinduism and lack the focus to learn what I feel is necessary to honor her properly. Further, she’s usually worshiped in a Tantric manner and I’m not interested in that form of worship. I can’t seem to find much for bhakti though, which frustrates me more. I am leaving space for her on my shrine, and if she wants me that badly she can chase me down and give the resources I need.

So now, I’m trying to focus on various questions that will help me pick a new direction. I need a focus, an aim, of what I should be looking for and learning about. I’m going to ask and answer them here, because recording things is good for me, and writing helps me organize my thoughts. Within three days I intend to change the name of this blog as well as its partner on Tumblr. As far as my tumblr goes, I mostly post social justice things to it, and so it doesn’t reflect what it was originally intended for. I will likely create another tumblog and connect this wordpress to that instead. Make no mistake, I won’t be leaving the kemetic community, they are totally awesome and I have a lot of friends there. I will just no longer identify as Kemetic unless a netjer tracks me down and drags me back.

What do I like? Well, I like reading, crochet, video games, wolves, dogs, cats, rabbits, the nighttime. Dinosaurs, dragons, werewolves. I like twilight and daybreak, sunrises and sunsets. I like the moon, I like streams, lakes and rivers. I have a love-hate with the ocean, it’s much to rough and large for me, the energy is overwhelming (and hydrophobia, fear of drowning, doesn’t help). I love plants, good heavens I love me some plants. Forests are awesome, especially mountain forests. Cool, autumn and spring weather. I like the quiet and slowdown of nature during fall and the quiet, waking up of spring. It helps that my asthma is best behaved during these months when extreme weather and high pollution aren’t usually concerns, and although I have plenty of allergies, they don’t usually make me too miserable. I’m fond of storms, but really I enjoy rain, mist and fog. It has a softness, gentleness to it that can shield you. I love after storms have passed, I’m not much for the buildup beforehand. I also like medicine, the body and helping people. I like the mind, even though it’s a pretty scary place. I like healing. I also like trying new things and thinking up wacky ideas, and I like my myths and anime. I could probably swing pop culture paganism.

What do I need out of a religious system? Support. Focus. Goals. Structure. Not necessarily church-level or something, just an established system and set of rules and guidelines to work within. Lattice-work to build on, basically. I also want a god-relationship. It’s just something I prefer, and was really a big reason I left Christianity to begin with. Another thing perhaps is energy work and other kinds of magic and spirit-y things.

What motivates me? Mostly other people. I’m not a self-starter, not for myself. Helping and caring for others is a big motivator for me. Oh, you need something? Oh, you fucked up and need help fixing it? Let me get started on that. Not very helpful when going after something for oneself is it? I haven’t yet found what motivates me for me yet, except perhaps enjoyment of a task, but even then it can be difficult. I’m really stuck in my head, I think about many different things, and I am an imaginer and worldbuilder at heart. I create elaborate things in my mind, and I can sit around all day daydreaming and creating a story, or thinking about my various interests, likes and values. INFP fits me well.

What makes me feel safe? Blankets, my sister and boyfriend. Silence and near silence. Classical music. Plants, especially trees, forests, mountains. Mist, fog and light rain. Cool weather with a soft wind. Low light, such as after a storm, at night, twilight and daybreak. I am a night owl and am often awake when others are asleep. I won’t be bothered, things are quiet, I’m not stressed by having to interact or be attuned to them. Hugs and physical affection, unless I am painfully and desperately overwhelmed. I’m a serious introvert and an empath, and tactile stimulation, auditory intensity and crowds upset me. This makes winter very hard, because the tactile stimulation of heavy clothes, shoes and coats often lowers my people tolerance, makes me tired and more emotionally volatile. Being affectionate to someone I’m close to is very soothing for me, people who know me IRL know I like hugs, poking, tickling etc, and that I can often be seen patting, stroking or touching Zolfyer. What can I say, he makes me feel safe and calm. Dogs and cats make me feel safe, pictures of wolves and african painted dogs as well. Stuffed animals.

What helps me focus? Music mostly, and talking to myself. Writing helps as well, as does crocheting. Visualization is a toss-up, but having a tactile focus greatly helps. I’m a hands-on learner, and I remember written words better than pictures or spoken words. Making my own charts, graphs, etc helps me remember and focus. Going over something with someone else, or teaching someone, also helps. I’m not a people person but helping others or working with a small group is a good way for me to work, especially if I can direct while working along them. This is why magic is more difficult for me, learning by hand, by trial and error, needing skills that aren’t necessarily tactile, having no one to help or discuss things with, etc, make it hard for me to find a system that works, especially because I’m very sensitive to the movement of energy within myself and working with energy is a bitch since it isn’t really tactile. It is, but not in the same way as, say, crocheting.

What do I enjoy with spiritual and energetic things? I enjoy the learning, the reading, the imagining. I enjoy feeling (there goes that INFP again) both emotionally and physically. The problem of course is that I’m a typical Scorpio with really intense emotions and so feeling can quickly cross from enjoyable to overwhelming and scary. I enjoy singing as well, which I’ve discovered is a good way to raise energy, though what kind I couldn’t exactly tell you. It’s more a way to focus than anything, but that doesn’t make it less valuable. I’ve yet to figure out a way I can use this consistently to my advantage. Dealing with plants is also fun.

What do I want out of a deity/spirit relationship? I don’t entirely know. I know I want a focus. I enjoy worship and veneration (gods if I can find somebody who has some hymns or something whose music isn’t lost omg) as well as playfulness. Having been with the netjer I value at least some looseness and willingness to tolerate sass and frustration. I want to feel protected, like I can rely on them to help me and be there for me when I reach out. I certainly need one who talks and interacts more. I know I need pushing, especially for shadow work, but I also need a soft touch, because I am diamond, so hard that I’m quite brittle. Or perhaps glass would be a better analogy, seeing as how you need diamond to cut glass, but it shatters quite easily. It’s forged in fire or from lightning, but so easily hurt. I suppose that means I need a glassworker. I certainly need to feel like they’re reliably there for me, fear of abandonment and loneliness is strong with this one.

What do I want my spirituality to do for me? Be a support system. Be a place I can turn when I am flailing, desperate and crushed. I need it to be reliable, consistent, motivating me to better myself. Giving me at least some direction in how to better myself. Interesting and able to be innovated. I also want to learn more about healing on various levels of energy and planes. I want to feel like I’m doing something, and not just wandering around aimlessly. I’d like to be traversing clouds for a purpose since I always have my head in them.

 

As usually happens when I have these issues, I talked to my twin. She had this to say

My intuition has been in high mode (thanks Neptune retrograde you sneaky bastard). I feel like we are looking at stuff and expecting something to crop up like Christianity, as far as having a big community and structured weekly rituals. Now, i know that you need structure more than I do, and you’ll probably do better if you can find a group that you can actually see and meet with.

I can agree with her here. I definitely do enjoy worship in groups, and having someone to talk to and play around with magic and energy work (and gods, give me feedback and practice!) would be very useful for me. Which will likely influence what sorts of things I’ll look in to, since many paths are small and don’t have widespread groups.

The other thing I realized is that the city makes me very tense. I don’t usually notice or realize just how stuffed up and tense I am until I go somewhere else, like visiting the mountains or something. It’s hard to let that tension go too, but escaping the hard, crackly, dense energy of the city for the energy of the mountains and forests is definitely a noticeable difference in my health on all levels. I’ve always loved plants, especially trees, and of course mountains and bodies of water have their own spirits as well. I imagine this very much connects with my wolfishness. My sister also mentioned that she very clearly thinks of me as a green witch, and I know how much I love water despite my drowning fear. Lakes and rivers are very awesome and quite calming, while also deeply foreboding in the way of a good horror movie. It’s an excitement, much like the night. The night is shielding, enveloping, but it is also dangerous in a much different way than the daytime. The same goes for fog and mist, weather I love, not only for being interesting and cool, but for being quiet and shielding as well, for having that same horror movie pulse that makes you take a deep breath and lean forward in your seat, waiting for the jump scare you know is coming and hoping to be surprised.

I think this will be good enough to make some kind of headway somewhere. Who knows. Any suggestions from ya’ll? I enjoy reading, so I don’t mind lots of suggestions or information.

Magic Considerations

So, I’ve been thinking extensively about magic recently. I’ve always been interested in magic and witchcraft, but so far I haven’t really found a system that works for me. Some of it is laziness. I don’t want to remember all these words, or gather all these materials, and perform all this ritual (don’t get me wrong, I love ritual, but I’m not inclined to do it for spellwork). It’s also expensive (and yes, I know there are plenty of inexpensive substitutes for things, but it still costs me money and pulls from household resources that have to be replaced). All the pomp and prettiness is actually fairly distracting, and it often puts me off wanting to do it at all. Questions of effectiveness pop up as well. Further, I have a cat and boyfriend to worry about, and nothing is more distracting than other creatures wondering what you’re doing and is it possible for you to make a snack. (I kid, Z is actually really good about that stuff, especially if I warn him beforehand. Though, he has been known to be mega distracting if he’s very bored and/or hungry.) So, doing more “traditional” spellwork is difficult, because getting the stuff and doing the ritual is tricky. Not to mention, keeping all of that stuff out of the way where my stupid kitten can’t hurt herself on it or injure it. I had to move my feather representing ma’at because she played with it when I wasn’t in the room.

This complicated relationship with more traditional, physical magic has made me consider how to make my own shit up. I was pretty successful with the last couple batches of heka, but I still feel like doing more. I’m still working on heka usage and how to make it work even better, especially because I do still need some physical component. I know, I’m difficult. The other thing is I’m still not really sure what will actually be useful to me. For example, the popular visualization of connecting with roots to the earth and drawing up earth energy, as well as popular grounding techniques, don’t work for me. Earth energy leaves me feeling wired and sick and I can’t get rid of it, no matter what I do to ground. I simply have to wait for it to dissipate, which can take a couple of days. This is also my problem with heka, I somehow manage to draw up too much energy and then can’t get rid of it all. Maybe that’s more about the common heka practice of identifying oneself with a god and commanding from their authority, but it’s still an issue. Another issue is that, since my hospitalization last year, my body has a lower tolerance for anything woo or magical. Most magical systems don’t/can’t take this into account, and often don’t have suggestions for those who find themselves incompatible with the energy used or getting sick from trying to use it.

And now I realize that I’m complaining about ableism in magic and paganism. Hmm. So, I’ve been trying to think of ways to overcome these obstacles and figure out magic that will work for me. I’m very much a physical and intuitive touch person. Especially in the astral, I will know you more by your energy and other incorporeal sensation than by your face or voice. I have excellent visualization skills, but even that ties into my sense of touch (feeling my visualizations gives more clarity). I also know that this quirk does mean I need something physical to help focus and such, but I don’t know what to use yet. Also still puzzling that out, but it does make crochet magic fairly viable. There’s limitations even to that though, because not all crochet projects can be done in one sitting, and it’s tough to maintain focus for extended lengths, especially if you’re using words. On top, distraction also plays a role here, because cats and yarn, and because humans need/want stuff and crochet can be put down mid-stitch. This can all serve to derail crochet magic in progress, especially if it’s a larger or more complex project.

I was thinking of doing more research into elemental magic (it works well for me, but earth magic isn’t compatible with me), especially because plants are very helpful beings and I have plants. However, finding info is hard and it often still requires more physical objects and ingredients than I might like. I also want to learn more about healing, on this plane and in the astral. Recently though, someone brought up some different ideas. False doors (a common thing in ancient egypt) and mirrors. Now, I don’t know much about mirror magic but it’s an interesting thought. I do know a little about false doors. Mirrors so far seem to be excellent for traveling and trancing, protection (mentioned specifically for warding a false door) as are knives. I don’t know how to safely do anything much with knives, it was just a thought that came in handy during an astral trip and I stabbed the shit out of a vampire. Obviously knives are also excellent for protection.

The other thing is I was thinking of poppets more. I mentioned a little while ago, probably on my tumblr, that I really liked someone’s suggestion of using stuffed animals as guardians and familiars. I’ve been thinking about this for quite a while, mainly about what I’d want the animal to be and what I’d want them to do. I also recently thought of using poppets and sympathetic magic more. Something I definitely need to learn more about, but it’s a start.

The problem, as I mentioned a few paragraphs ago, is finding something I can do with low energy and difficulty concentrating. The fact that my body does not react favorably to magic (or at least what I’ve been trying) and astral traveling or such while awake is a major roadblock. I can’t get through as much of a book or focus on research in one sitting as I used to. Having the eternal struggle of rpg, video games and fiction coming up in search results makes it even harder to effectively utilize when I do have energy and focus. The fact that the vast majority of magic information resources don’t consider those who are chronically ill, fatigued or otherwise lacking in mental or physical stability and ability, if they don’t outright tell us to go away until we get better. Yeah, yeah, I’m not mentally stable, my low energy and asthma and pain and whatever causes this twitching and shaking makes me mildly disabled, but I’m not going to not do magic. It’s seriously ableist and a major dick move to tell sick people they can’t do cool, interesting, and fun things simply because they aren’t healthy. To tell someone who is chronically ill and will probably never 100% recover, if they ever started in “optimal” health to begin with, that they aren’t allowed to do something and will be refused knowledge, is an asshole thing to do. Give us warnings, teach us how to be safe and utilize our limits, don’t just shun us. Unfortunately, even in magic and paganism, neurodivergence, chronic illness and disability is still shunned and ignored. Hence my problem.

So, what say any of you? Any ideas for me to try? Books or other resources to recommend?