Getting Your Astral Ducks in a Row

The Twisted Rope

via wikimedia commons via wikimedia commons

I have spent a lot of time talking about how dangerous the astral can be. I’ve tried to drill home the fact that the astral can be fickle, and that it isn’t something to be trifled with lest you accidentally bite off more than you can chew. When it comes to the astral, I’ve always tried to present a realistic view of what you can expect. I try not to make out to be 110% scary, but I also try to ensure that everyone knows what they could be getting into before they start to knock on that proverbial door. I’ve always felt that it’s my responsibility as a traveler to represent the facts as they are, both good and bad, and to let everyone else make their own personal decisions about whether they want to take the risks of trying to get Over There.

Something that…

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MoWD-Light

I cannot feel your light.

Your burning cinders,

Your burnished bronze,

Your rich indigo,

Both chilled and warm,

Shudder-inducing in its frosty breeze,

Soothing and enveloping in its heat.

None of the excitement of late autumn,

Nor the relaxing of mid spring.

Though your light paints the horizon

Every dawn and dusk,

I cannot touch you in it.

I cannot feel you breathing into me.

I feel a whole lot of nothing

Though I see you daily.

I feel a little of everything

Trying to reach you.

Where are you?

Today

I’ve been wondering what I’d write about all day today. I came up with a few poem stanzas, but they aren’t really fitting. Today was a frustrating day. First there was SEPTA fucking up my transaction, so I have no transpass and now have to go through a lengthy process with the bank to get my money back. This also means that until that time we’ll be spending money we don’t have to get me a transpass. Then there is Zolfyer feeling sick. He’s been feeling unwell for several days and it’s possible that it’s an extended allergic reaction to onions. Yeah, he’s got weird allergies, but luckily it isn’t anaphylaxis level allergic, although this is probably the worst reaction (persistent coughing, sore throat, headache and fatigue, losing his voice) yet. We’re likely going to have to start looking out for onion stuff more, since most of his symptoms were throat related. The other thing that’s happened is that Z has been on vacation all week and hasn’t gotten to enjoy a single day of it. First there was the bullshit with Cousin and Fiancee, then two days of us cleaning our house and shopping for new furniture, and family members unexpectedly calling on us for emergencies. He was going to sleep in and enjoy his last day of vacation, but lo and behold, I’m forced to ask him for a ride to school since I can’t get my transpass because inept SEPTA workers.

The only really nice thing that happened today was that our friend had her baby today. She is so precious. (And BGF is over and one of our younger card playing friends too)

I didn’t really enjoy class today. I wasn’t against it or anything, it just wasn’t entirely enjoyable. My class made it clear that my opinions would be minority as far as feminist ideology goes (and non-MD medical programs are always overwhelmingly female), because the way class discussion was going just ended up showing who felt what. Further, my teacher really only reinforced it and it’s obvious that she and the majority of my class is Christian and at least mildly conservative. Yeah, so it’s just one of those “how much do I feel like engaging with or arguing with these people.” The info was good though, learning about laws and such like HIPAA and OSHA is tomorrow.

I mean, nobody antagonized me, and I didn’t antagonize anyone, but oh I wanted to challenge everybody. I’m also extremely angry that my teacher described drainage and curettage abortion in detail without explaining that most abortions are not that type and that they only happen for second trimester abortions. And also that New York no longer does third trimester abortions except for extreme circumstances. It’s disingenuous and just cements my classmates’ opposition to it. Although she was equally graphic in explaining back alley abortions and that she supports legal abortions to keep women from having back alley ones.

Then there was her conversation about same-sex marriage and how she’s scared for the children because it’s such a confusing time for them and blah blah “it was written that you wouldn’t be able to tell male from female”. It made class very uncomfortable and I feel like she assumes I’m Christian because I did not claim atheism or agnosticism when she asked the class. Whether it’s worth it to find a way to bring up that I’m not is another story. I don’t know.

This afternoon I had this distinct feeling that I should be doing something. It is related to BGF, which is weird, because I almost never have intuitive senses about him, not like this. Usually it’s that something is bothering him, or whathaveyou.

I had a strange dream during my nap. A lot of stuff happened, but near the end I found myself on a stage. I wasn’t alone or anything, and Zolfyer and Sister came to the performance. It was just as much me singing as it was helping with the behind-the-scenes production. I was apparently friends with an actor-dancer, and I was helping with an ice-skating musical. He was telling me about how he used to only dance, then he acted for so long he forgot how, and then he went back to dancing and gained it back, and in fact was better at it once he got back to where he used to be. There was also helping someone get away from a murderous, abusive guy, including consideration of murder to keep him back. Don’t ask me.

But yeah, my day today.

You know, I realize that I’ve been having dreams lately about returning. (Then there was a dream about wishing on a star with Z, asking to be healthy and happy in our relationship and life and then every second after that was people telling us it wasn’t working and I should get a girlfriend. I don’t even, because I’m not the least bit dissatisfied with our relationship) Most especially returning to Christianity. It’s very irritating because I have much different views on that religion now, and I left it for good reasons. It makes me wonder if I need to tell people to stop praying for me, because, although unlikely, I imagine it’s possible for me to get cockblocked by other gods.

Speculation. I dunno.

MoWD-Beginning and Forgiveness

I’ve talked about my beginning with Anpu many times. In fact, I’ve referenced it just in this project lol I’m not really sure what else to say. He lets me pester him, and he rarely gets enraged at my fickle nature. I imagine he is aware that my behavior is primarily a function of intense anxiety, depression and paranoia. There’s a lot of forgiveness inherent in our relationship. I don’t know why, I’m just glad it’s there, otherwise I’d have needed a new god a long time ago. Perhaps this is why I’ve still stuck with him despite how often I talk about reaching out to a different god or something. In the end, I need that calm, that forgiveness. The necessary quiet and control required to hear him is difficult for me to achieve, but that is something I need to learn. I do wonder when he’ll push me along though, but I’m hardly in a rush, though I probably should be. Who knows.

MoWD- Together

Together we dance, like a parent and child

I stomp my feet, and walk on your toes

You wait patiently as I try to keep up.

I’m terrible at it, pushing and pulling,

swinging and shouting.

Impatient, despite the music being slow.

You’re willing to hold me,

but I want to dance by myself.

So I twirl in circles, and fall to the ground

dizzy and laughing.

I do it again, and then I fall down

crying because I feel sick.

You wait patiently while I try to keep up.

Sometimes you pick me up,

but very often you wait.

Wait for me to call you, in my infinite stubbornness.

Wait for me to ask you, in my infinite hardheadedness.

Sometimes I stick my fingers in my ears,

playing that catchy song, not realizing you could punish me.

Insolent child, patient father.

Sometimes you’re not close enough

and other times, I’m so busy crying I cannot hear you.

Sometimes you just wait until I calm down.

And you are there, when I turn around

Ready to dance again.

MoWD-How?

It was easy for me. I was the most familiar with Anubis, and I had always thought it exceedingly cool that he was a jackal. I love canids of all kinds, and what I knew of Egypt was great as well. Then I found out people did this “worship the Egyptian gods” thing, and that I really jived with the religion.

Naturally I started pestering The Jackal.

He didn’t turn me away, though he didn’t exactly answer at first either. He’s been incredibly forgiving, since I am both very impatient and very timid at the same time. I can’t imagine how much of a headache I’ve been for Him. Even when I was writing those posts last week about not calling myself Kemetic anymore, I knew I wasn’t really going anywhere. He has never told me get out, and I don’t plan to. Even though sometimes I feel like I should. I just need to stir things up, and will still be doing research and perhaps reaching out to other netjer. I love this religion too much, I grok it too well. It simply works for me, I just have to find things to do to occupy my time (goodness gracious my brain wants to be kept busy so badly) and have a focus.

In other words, I don’t know what I want, but this god is willing to put up with my flailing and running around like a headless chicken. Honestly if I learned to sit the fuck down and be quiet for a minute I’d probably have less problems! Perhaps this is why even the louder gods chuckle and turn me right back around. “Oh look, one of Anubis’ anxious kiddies”.

I was a huge dork though, I’ll be honest. I really did reach out because he was a jackal, and he was decently familiar, but mostly his jackalness.

MoWD-Who?

Who would have thought, that little me would find You?

That I could reach out, in childishness and excitement,

To find Someone there?

You hear me, You see me, silent and salient.

Ah, the pain of your quietude, how it frightens my noisy mind.

But You are there, You are there, even when I can’t feel You.

The gentlest touch, the sternest expression.

Is that why they call you Strong of Face?

Despite my protests, You return.

Even when I transgress, You don’t turn me away.

Though I am fickle, You do not bite.

Is this why they call you Lord of Ma’at?

I shudder in delight at Your grace, Lord of Knives.

The sunrise hails you, Lord of Heaven.

The sunset praises you, Lord of Light.

Here I am, calling Your names.

Here I am, praising your horizon.

I am here, at your altar.

Never stop forgiving me

Your idiot daughter.