Ramble and Thought Processing

I was talking with my sister (as I often do) about spirit things and ideas. I mused to her about a story idea I had in which a boy becomes a half demon. What happened was a nearly dead demon tried to eat him to save itself, but failed in doing that. In a desperate effort not to die, and due to the boy’s kindness, it sorta half fused with him. I’m actually changing the original idea slightly to be what I just wrote, because it makes more sense that way. Anyway, now this kid is a half demon and needs to live like one, so the demon is teaching him how to survive. As a demon, he’s gotta eat souls and such, but not nearly as much because he’s only half, but no matter what, he still has to consume some soul energy on a regular basis. The demon teaches the kid how to kill people and eat their entire souls, of course, but because that’s pretty inefficient, the kid has non-demon morals about killing people, he doesn’t really need whole souls, and it puts the duo at risk of danger because the easiest way to consume a soul is to physically kill the victim, the demon also teaches him another way to eat. Namely, eating only pieces and chunks of soul. Basically, you find a victim and pull only part of their soul out (if you pull the entire thing out, the person dies, and it’s not an easy thing to pull an entire soul out of a living and healthy person, especially if they’re not consenting) and more or less slice off a piece of it. (There’s more to this, like only eating “twisted” souls because eating “innocent” souls will drive you crazy until you kill yourself or become so destructive that others kill you, but that’s not my point)

So, I presented this idea to my astral-informed friends and it wasn’t so strange of an idea to them. Eating parts of people, especially for healing, is something they’ve seen before, and it isn’t particularly harmful in most circumstances. I’ve been mulling it around in my mind because one of my spirits has been sick lately and he does eat other beings since he’s a predator and all. I was just thinking that it could be a way to heal him up (eat a problematic portion, let my energy clean it up and such, give it back) as well as something that could potentially be a way to heal me up. I have weird thoughts, go away. Anyway, I was also reading a friend’s post recently and thought, well what if that’s what’s going on with her? In one of her dreams she eats a heart, and obviously she is going through some things about rebirth and rejuvenation (she says so herself, also hearts have big rebirth connotations in Kemeticism) and something about her situation pinged hardcore with these speculations of mine.

I’ve also had some weird mental images of people eating things. This stuff ties mostly to my sick spirit, and was rather spontaneous when I checked on him earlier today. Basically, it was several people, one of them being my spirit, the others being mystery people who have given me useful things while trying to heal sick spirit, all holding something. Sometimes they held the thing (either a key, soul shard or my recognized soul symbol, usually a gold ball with markings or saturn rings) in their hands and other times in their teeth. All of them giving me a “you know what I’m doing/about to do” smile of mischief often with their tongue poking out. They were all eating or about to eat whatever particular object they were holding. The tongue thing is both something I find to be adorable (I hang around little kids too much and they love poking their tongues out at people) as well as suspicious because of this Kali thing that’s going on. I dunno, I’m probably thinking too hard about that.

Either way, these mental images make me think of this story idea and of friend going through craziness. It was shown as a way to get information, to bond, to heal, to open complex locks. That’s the feeling I get from my intuition about it, eat the thing, learn what’s in it, how it works, what it needs, what it does. Eat the thing, become more strongly bonded, gather energy. Eat the thing, heal and be healed.

This also ties in with an idea I had for working on the astral because I’m cheesy. Basically, mummy bandages as weapons and tools of healing. That’s what Anpu does to make a body whole (among other things) during embalming. It’s one of the ways he heals, by literally binding the body together, and replacing anything that’s missing and binding it to the body. It hasn’t been a bad experiment, because that’s also a way to render things inert, by binding them.

Even thinking on a different level, with Kali, some of her myths involve consuming to render things inert (one version of her vanquishing Rakta Bija is consuming him and his copies, another is consuming his blood before it hits the ground so it can’t turn into copies of him) as well as to strengthen oneself. Basically it’s coming to a point where you just have to think outside the box on some problems, since in the myths of killing rakta bija Kali first tries to slay him regularly. Even in the well known version, she catches his blood in a bowl before it hits the ground. It’s still binding, because it’s giving a specific space to the blood, to Rakta Bija’s power, and holding it separate.

The other thing I was considering was shufflemancy. Basically, letting music be a signpost to intuitive issues, or divination or spirit communication. I forget the spirit communication part, because usually it’s something you do for gods, and it isn’t always a purposeful endeavor. For example, I’ve had some songs stuck in my head so hard for the past two weeks (during which my friend was going through the most frustrating and exhausting confusion about her situation) and I didn’t know why. I really like these songs, so I didn’t even think about what they were there for, along with not realizing how connected they are, even though they’re by two different bands (it’s like, six or seven songs). I also didn’t really pay attention to them for myself either, because they’re pretty telling considering their lyrics. Not so much about me (although yeah, that too) but for sick spirit. He likes rock music, what can I say? The thing was, I couldn’t figure out why these songs were so hardcore stuck in my head. I couldn’t even chase it off with Evanescence or Linkin Park, so I absorbed the songs in question to the point I’m starting to remember the lyrics randomly (I learn songs extra slow) and have jammed to the albums they’re from.

Still, this post isn’t even close to everything I want to say and ramble about. The problem is that I don’t have words for everything that I’m feeling or thinking, I just know I have huge pings in my heart about what’s going on for my friend, as well as for something that popped up for another friend and I have no idea how to explain it. I even have the special anxiousness that I’ve learned to associate exclusively with spirit and god stuff, which is a weird mix of excitement and utter panic. Basically, they said something and my whole body is going “Oh! Oh oh oh oh oh! I KNOW WHAT THAT IS” but it isn’t transferring that knowledge to my freaking brain. Yay for me. That and I feel like if we can all figure this shit out, us and like, four or five other people will have huge fucking jumps in problems solved or at least viable solutions to various problems or confusing issues. Fucking confusing ass astral stuff my gods.

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Astral Stuff

Alright, so lately I’ve been having some issues. Normally I do all astral stuff in dreams, but some shit has come up that requires more direct and consistent handling, the kind of shit where I shouldn’t just wait around for the random encounter or event during sleep. Problem is, I don’t really know what are good, safe ways to astral for beginners. I don’t have anyone who could consistently spot (Z works, and quite frankly I’m not sure how to explain what he’s supposed to be doing exactly) and I still share a house with other people and animals. I know that means I just work a schedule around them, but I’m not sure what are good avenues to start? My brain rambles a mile a minute when I meditate, and even if I could get entheogens, I wouldn’t want them and my physical and mental health problems make such endeavors unwise anyway. My plan is to ask Anpu for some suggestions, but I’d also like suggestions from my more experienced peers. How did you astral as a beginner?

Pondering

So, I was having some thoughts about sound and song with my magic. It occurs to me that I suck at using sound on the astral. I’m not that kind of learner, that’s a type of focus and processing I need help with (which probably means I’d be better off with a data entry or non-phone customer service job, but that’s neither here nor there) so it’s not a viable option for the limited astral control I have. I figure that working on waking astral travel is the better bet, which hopefully will enable me to figure out my strengths, especially as a healer and for fighting.

As far as the strengths go, it seems likely that I’m some sort of line walker. That is, I can squish, split, crack and merge planes. I seem to be really good at working in two planes at once, with the possibility of being a soul diver like Devo. I was talking with Cloudi about that and, after suggesting I could probably merge soul pieces with the right training, I got the thought that Anubis works like that. He’s a soul fixer, mending ibs and bodies, using proxies (like scarab amulets and false parts) to create a complete body. He heals by binding and merging, he kills by rending and cracking. As a liminal deity he walks between worlds, able to operate on two or more planes at once because he is between them, because he has brought them together. If he was so inclined he could teach me more about all of these things.

Back to the physical world and my magic though. I’m still puzzling out the best way to handle things. Whatever has me jiggling and wiggling seriously impedes my magic. I had trouble before anyway, since everybody only ever seems to use earth energy and it just doesn’t agree with me. However, I feel like sigil work may be useful. It moves my body out of the equation by making something else (in this case a grid, matrix, circuit, or diagram) the main energy conduit. I’m also still looking into water magic but it’s slow going. The other day though, I was singing and decided to specifically focus on helping Dapper feel better and have some energy as well as strengthening the wards.

The results were noticeable. The focus itself helped a ton and I honestly wasn’t expecting to raise so much energy so fast. While we are talking rock music, a naturally powerful and high energy genre, and my favorite group, and the wards are programmed to absorb energy from music, the effects were so palpable that I was having a hard time singing! The wards also held the energy in so it got more concentrated, but it didn’t affect my body all that much and I was still able to direct it, though I will admit it was fairly wild.

This could potentially be a good avenue to pursue and explore, after all I adore singing and my control is present Here. It makes me ponder what I could do with different genres. I always sing rock and the band I love is a source of comfort, so as expected I was able to use the energy generated to soothe despite its fierceness, however I might be able to achieve greater effects with gentler songs and genres. At the very least it will be personally useful even if I don’t pursue it for wide-range magical purposes. What would happen if I raised energy in a circle and used it with sigils or a traditional spell? The wards can absorb any excess, the song energy isn’t inclined to do more than fall away once I stop singing. It could be useful.

Thoughts. Many thoughts.

That Point Where Shit Makes Sense, and Then Stops

So, I haven’t really shared my recent astral shenanigans on here. It’s mostly been fragmented and seemingly random stuff, not enough to write about anyway. There have been some larger things, but they didn’t seem connected to my previous shenans which included zombies and whatnot. What’s got me here though is the dream I had this morning. It connected a lot of the previous year’s craziness quite nicely, but also opened up a shit ton of questions. Last year when the zombie bs started, Devo suggested that it could be related to Dapper’s soul or something going on in him. I didn’t really see how it could be, since it seemed so random at the time, and there was just as often other people, including him, around. I imagine that not every zombie adventure was about him, in fact I know that to be true. Not every zombie adventure had to do with him or his soul, we were completing work that he was instructed to do. However, the dream I had this morning shows that places we’ve been to repeatedly that involved zombies (along with other events happening in the same places) were about him.

It started with me apparently setting a soul on fire. I was in a house, and I was lighting everything up and crying about it. I have no idea why, apart from what I said; something like “I can’t let him die” and “this has to be done, this has to go” and “I don’t like this, I have to get rid of it, I have to get it out.” These words imply this may have been Dapper’s soul because the place was familiar. Like, I’ve been in this “house” before and there may have been zombies last time. Anyway, I was inside this soul and set a part of it on fire because something was wrong with it and freaking me the fuck out. I’m not sure what happened next, but I do know I was now in a different house I’ve been to before with Dapper and Z.

In this new house (not really that new, nor was the neighborhood, been here before, during and after zombies) we were talking about something. It involved plane traveling and killing shit. There was a lot of weird stuff about this house, like the fact there was a portal in the basement, and it was the type that is at the bottom of an “adventure” level, if you get my drift. The last time we were in this neighborhood, I only partly remember what we were doing there and it had to do with zombies and the other part was about hiding from cops after I killed a creeper. Anyway, we’re back and forth out of this house, interacting with the neighbors and kids on the street, while secretly trying to find some item in the basement and killing off gremlins and other unsavory things. Dapper isn’t…hmmm…it was more like a kid version of himself, a young teen or tween, which, I guess if we’re inside his soul, makes sense. It’s happened before. I’ve often been an observer when these scenes of him as a youngster happen, but sometimes I get involved with what’s happening. I’m fairly certain they’re at least partial memories.

We’re helping the neighborhood with their problems as well, so we’re very busy and are able to get some help getting this “item.” It’s like, something like clock gears, yet also like an alchemy circle, and it’s guarded by a giant spider I’ve seen before. The last time I saw this spider though, I had been dropped into a room with it. I still don’t know why I was fighting it, but that particular dream started with a mystery woman giving me some kind of poppet and that poppet made the spider back off. I don’t know why the spider didn’t like it, but it wasn’t a weapon and couldn’t hurt it, and the spider didn’t stop trying to attack, it just didn’t want to get close to me to do it. Anyway, we have to go through a half-portal I guess? The basement isn’t on its own plane but it isn’t on the same plane either, and that’s very important because it makes shit complicated and makes revival weird and difficult. I can’t explain it, I just know that it was important to not fall into any of the traps or die if we could help it. The last time I was in this house though, the basement was normal.

Anyway, now that we’ve made friends in the neighborhood, we have extra help getting this item, and we need it because the basement is a mess. There is no floor, it’s a cave-tunnel, almost straight down and there are wooden beams crossing the space like a spider web. There’s also sand everywhere, it’s moving and flowing as well. The spider didn’t antagonize us too much, it wasn’t really happy, but I can’t say it attacked us either. It simply covered the item, snatched it away and dumped it closer to where the sand had pooled and was flowing down in a slow vortex. It didn’t help us get it either. We had to try getting this thing several times. Our new friends tried first, but one died from a trap and backed out when we revived them, another got swarmed by gremlins and also backed out. In the end it was me, Zolfyer, and one friend while I carried kid Dapper on my back. Two more people showed up, they were trap keepers and, although we got the item, they knocked us into the sand vortex and watched as we all got sucked down and passed out. Weird conversation was had about the sand and the weird death from the one friend who helped. I feel like I know him, I could be mistaken, but it might’ve been Caleb, my sister’s dragon, because of his appearance. The vortex made me think of being stuck in a giant hourglass.

So, we fall through the vortex and the two trap keepers are waiting for us on the other side. Now we’re on a tree and all of us are thoroughly confused. The trap keepers say some weird shit that explains nothing and leave us on our way. Caleb seems to half-understand, but even he’s confused. We break into groups to explore, and I’m fairly certain we end up smack dab in a memory, because suddenly it’s nighttime when I get to the bottom of a hill and all of us are together again. There are soldiers with gas masks on and they’re not friendly, they try and trap Dapper and me, probably because he’s a kid and I’m a kid-looking girl. Cue running for cover, and Z and Caleb distract. They also manage to get away, but we’re all scrambling right now.

We’re in a parking lot, and we’re trying to hide. Kid Dapper is at least in enough control to use stealth magic (his magic always is extremely limited when he’s in a younger form, boo random insertion of logic and rationality) but these soldiers know what they’re doing. He almost gets caught, so he casts stealth on me and books it around the cars to distract them while I creep around in the shadows trying to find a way to safety, or at least to Z and Caleb who now have guns. A random passerby notices me and offers to help and Dapper sprints back, but before I can decide what to do, of course I wake up because I’m getting a phone call.

Yes, soul traveling! It’s all the rage! The frustrating part is that this isn’t even everything because little details and dialogue always gets lost and it’s so annoying! But I did realize that a lot of shit I’ve seen seems to be connected to these same places and houses, and also coincides with Dapper being a little kid or young teen. The house itself was connected to two other houses I visit frequently. Those houses also have had zombie problems and were in zombie neighborhoods, but they also had other stuff happen in them that were zombie-free. So, a lot of things I’ve been puzzling about at least got connected all at once, and certain things make more sense right now, however I’m still missing so much information.

For example, what the hell was freaking me out so much that I was willing to set a piece of soul on fire to kill it? That and I knew, I knew that if I didn’t set it on fire, that Dapper could die or otherwise be seriously fucked up if I didn’t? Why now anyway? Why are all these houses connected, and why are zombies such a prolific and important symbol? The fuck does that shit even mean? Not to mention, they aren’t always there. Sometimes they’re overrunning everything and at other times you’d never know they’d ever been there. I also figure that the arrangement and appearance of these houses and neighborhoods has something to do with me and the influence my brain has on the surroundings and the fact that my presence probably changes the way some things are gonna go down, because they all resemble or are amalgamations of places I actually know Here, as well as places I’ve never been and don’t recognize. Who knows, maybe this is actually my soul, or something, or some cross over between us, because these things always involve Dapper in some fashion and he tends to be the center of the craziest shit.

Then there’s why the basement was now some cracked half-plane when before it was just a normal basement. What the fuck is with the spider, and what is the item we retrieved? Why are we getting it now? What’s it for, why is it available to be retrieved now? Why did we get tossed through that trap, and why did we end up on a giant tree and then in the middle of a firefight? What do any of these things have to do with each other? While many things are now connected, a lot of the events still are unexplained. Like, why did I see the spider twice, what’s with the mystery witch giving me a poppet the first time I saw the spider. Why do I keep getting in these fights, because this is now the third time I’ve been shot at, and the fifth time I’ve had to fight and try and kill something by myself in the last couple of months. Further, these almost all happen when Dapper is compromised in some way. He’s a kid so can’t access all his power, he’s injured from some other issue, he simply can’t fight for whatever reason, or bam learning experience time for me. Like, what the fuck.

I can speculate about the spider, if it’s some part of him then of course he can’t fight it. Fighting yourself is hard as shit. Makes me wonder why I can fight it though, or why I’m even the preferred fighter here. Anytime he’s a kid or otherwise can’t fight, I’m choice one to take over. I’m not much of a fighter, and he’s got people he’s known much longer and who are stronger and better trained, but I get shoved down the hole. I’m willing to do it, obviously, because half the time I’m leaping in first, but I don’t know why dream me never questions this shit or the efficacy of it. I guess this was why it was important for me to kill my stalker in my last astral visit. More training, I guess, probably made easier by a sigil my sister made for me a little while ago. Or it could be because I’m much more vicious and willing to fight to protect others even Here, much less Over There. The other interesting thing is that Z has been in these dreams increasingly often. Astral him and Dapper get along really well (Z also gives him food and talks to him here) and lately, as crazy shit happens more Z is showing up more. Z often is the one keeping an eye on things, backing me up or protecting kid Dapper while I’m off destroying the universe. Pretty grateful for that, even though he doesn’t know he’s helping me half the time.

This also makes me wonder about a previous dream I had where a little kid who looks a lot like Dapper, but probably isn’t was trying to get into a terrorist group to overthrow the oppressive government he has a lot of privilege in. I totally knew the kid, but I also know it wouldn’t be the first time I knew a kid because I’d saved them (usually with Dapper) somewhere on a zombie infected plane. I mean, there were kids in Dapper’s soul, so WHO KNOWS.

Either way, a bunch of shit made a whole lot of sense after this dream, and then promptly stopped making sense because it opened up a shit ton of new questions, like why am I in this wolf’s soul messing around anyway? I’ve obviously been in here for quite a while, but I don’t know what I’m doing in there or how I got in there in the first place. Nor do I know how or why or when I got into that part of his soul that I set on fire. Yeah, so astral stuff, commentary and speculation welcome.

Password Protect Your Perils

This is hardly the first time this will be mentioned, nor will it be the last. I’m hardheaded and stubborn, so naturally I didn’t really take the advice seriously to use passwords in my practice. I didn’t think I would need one. Little me doing spirit work or flouncing around on the astral? No chance.

Oh naïve me, you’re a dumbass.

I’ve seen a bunch of great posts on passwords in a practice, but something bothered me. There didn’t seem to be anything reminding people that they don’t have to be actual words.

Maybe I’m just blind and forgetful. What I mean is, it can be several words, it can be a phrase, it can be a sound, sight, smell, touch. A memory. It can be an idea or subject, it can be a specific use of magic or illusion, or manifesting a particular thing in a particular way. A literal secret handshake even.

All these thoughts came to me while trying to make up my own password. I don’t know what other beings see when they look at me, so I had to be cautious not to pick anything too obvious or that could be easily guessed just by looking at my energy or companions. I worship a Jackal and I bangs with wolves Over There (for those of you unfamiliar with AAVE, “bangs with” means friends with, chills with, greatly enjoys, has great affection for, hangs out with, etc). At this point I’m practically part of a pack. However, because of how brains work I now could only think of pretty straightforward stuff, like wolves or jackals, and I even tossed out anything that had to do with kids or healing. Can’t do water or scorpions, snakes or anything like that either.

Since I didn’t want it to be too difficult or too much effort, I left it off for a moment and one of my songs started playing on my phone and I had my answer. I have several favorite songs, but I don’t sing in the astral (would be interesting though). My “password” is to sing a favorite song. Since I sing those songs IRL for fun, as offerings, to power my wards, to entertain, and to soothe myself, Z and Dapper, it seems like a good deal. They know at least three each, so there isn’t a reason they can’t sing one. Since there’s more than one, if I’m still suspicious I can just ask for another.

All in all, don’t be a stubborn dummy like me. Passwords don’t have to be actual words, and they can be helpful even in the event of shenanigans on this plane. Use your imagination, play on your strengths as well, keep your practice safe.

Quiet Jackals and Silent Wolves

In January I had a very serious mental health crisis. I probably should have gone to the hospital, it was that serious. However, I am poor and black and Z doesn’t know enough about mental health and the health system to know when to take me and how to keep me safe and cared for once I’m there. It was rough. The issue of mental health in the pagan community is a touchy topic. There are a lot of people with issues, and way too much fluffy, bad abusive, nasty or ableist advice for them. There’s good advice obviously, but oh do humans love to fling shit. I avoided this issue by not bringing it up outside of my safe spaces where I’m surrounded by supportive, loving people who know what I’m talking about when I mention my suffering. Yesterday one of those people made an interesting post responding to something on tumblr. One of her suggestions for resolving the problem she discussed is what has finally brought me back to my blog.

One of the problems I had during this severe bout of depression and suicidality was paranoia. Truly I have not felt such powerful paranoia in my short life, especially towards my spiritual life. The fact that I’ve been harassed by a malevolent spirit for two or three months only magnified the issue. I couldn’t discern anything. Was I being tricked? Was I being attacked? Is this really Dapper or Anpu, Kali or Aset? Even though I cleansed and warded and purified, was my house still vulnerable? Was I? Did I cut the link the spirit was using to hurt me? Were Z’s nightmares tied to this? Was Dapper ok? Was any of this even real or a very long lasting and elaborate delusion? Was I sicker and crazier than I ever thought I was? What if I had really done nothing but hallucinate, or worse, I’d been abandoned?

I can attest the post-breakdown Fallow Time is one of the most difficult and agonizing types of Fallow Periods. It felt like everything was wrong, like nothing was real, like I couldn’t be sure about anything. The fact I do derealize when my depression is very severe made it worse. Even the slightest nudge or attempt to contact was muddled and confused. I couldn’t figure out what anyone was saying or what anyone wanted, if I was even sensing them, if I was doing it correctly (I know, silly to think you could feel something incorrectly, but you’d be surprised if you don’t have a sensory issue or mental health problem and have a firm security in your perception of sensations). One thing that still pops up is whether I’m actually even wanted or poking around at the “right god”. Does Anpu really want me? Am I bothering Him or being useful in any way? Should I reach out to other gods? Am I even actually sensing other gods? Do they want me? Would any of this shit I’m thinking about doing be even the least bit useful or beneficial?

Why, oh why, dear gods and goddesses, was it so. fucking. unbearably. horrifically. silent?

Not that it mattered that it was silent. In the intensity of my fear and paranoia that I was being tricked or suckered by an opportunistic spirit or the bitch demon who attacked me made me shove away anything I did sense in abject panic. I didn’t (and don’t) know if my wards are anything more than pathetic little screens, with the gracious help of three and a half plants (cuttings of two of the plants, still just branches with little roots) and a dinosaur. I don’t know if my cleansing and purification, all the magic and heka I attempted, actually worked and will keep that spirit bitch away. I don’t know if her hold is broken. And for whatever reason every divination I’ve done (asked for from others, and not done for myself) keeps mentioning being wary of new help from nowhere and new people.

While my panic has settled down immensely, the worry and concern is still there. Especially because I still don’t know what to do about Anpu. See, it’s not that he’s ever mean or anything, nothing of the sort, I just don’t know what to make of him. I get this sense when I look at him. It isn’t anger or rejection or anything clear and obvious, it’s simply a very uncomfortable and confusing sensation. It incites worry. More like he’s looking at me, wondering what exactly to do with me. I’ve had this feeling ever since I started down this path, and it has made me question my path choice just as much as my god choice. However, I always come back here, because even though plenty of religions make sense to me and have elements I’m looking for, this is the one that works, sorta, and I’m trying not to give up or dish out when there isn’t precisely anything wrong and nothing else is reaching out to me the same way.

I know that Dapper doesn’t come as close, probably worried that his presence is bad for my health or could adversely affect me or attract attention. His concern has some rational basis, I’ve found that I cannot try and actively astral anymore and need to be wary of physical-astral contact or connection. It seems to aggravate whatever it is that causes me to twitch and shake even a year past when I initially went to the hospital. Magic on this plane is also a little harder and wears me out more. Not to mention, Dapper does have enemies and interacts with less than savory characters (his job is not an easy one) and is very strong. His weak, mewling human is an easy target. Especially easy when she can barely control any magic, astral transformations or effectively ward. I wouldn’t be surprised if Anpu asked him to stay back for a while as well.

I mention all this to a purpose, not simply to inform or lament that my mental health sucks (which it does). My friend’s suggestion in that tumblr post was that, a way to help others is write to them about your experiences and how you deal with it. Help others learn to cope and change the narrative. Unfortunately I can’t say I have any sage advice, since I’m only just pushing past the giant wall in my spirit between me and my shrine and still struggling to figure out what I do next. But, I want people to know they aren’t alone in their suffering at least, that I understand such problems, such pain, down to my bones. Heh, even my shadow shudders in pain at times, and I feel my astral wolf self bare fangs and growl. She doesn’t like the pressure and agony of depression either.

Plenty of people will tell you a truth, that it is possible to get through it, that things change and get better. I also understand your truth, that change is a long time coming more often than not, that relief is usually difficult and very incomplete and often rife with fear that it will break again, which it usually does.  I understand the truth that knowing relief will come rarely brings as much hope as we’d like, or eases the stranglehold of our broken spirits. We know it’s supposedly temporary, that our minds are telling us lies so powerful it shakes our bodies, our faith, our souls. We know many truths intellectually. We also know one particularly bitter truth, and that is that the lies feel so intense, so true, that it can be easier to believe them sometimes, or to ignore the truths of hope, because waiting for that hope to manifest is unbearable. Because being told those truths can cause the clamp of our illness’ lies to worsen, because sure we know we’ll get relief in theory, but when will it come? And when it does come, will it last, and will I survive to get there? That is one of the hardest questions to ask, because it is so difficult to answer.

It sucks. To put it far, far too simply. The fear hurts. The doubt hurts. The stifling silence definitely hurts. But you’re not by yourself. Even though the tension is suffocating, I’ve got a cozy blanket and your favorite hot drink. I’ve got your pet and my pet and we can watch them play. Tell me your favorite internet thing and what encouragement you really need and I’ll always show up when I see you suffering with those things. You’ve got a friend here. Misery loves company for many reasons.

Maybe we can try and come up with ways to hold out until the crashing stops together. Or at least I’ll crawl out of my hole and remind you that I care, that I appreciate your presence. That even if I don’t say much I’m peeking out from under my rock, looking at you with the eyes of a kitten, wondering if you’re ok, if you need me to jump out at you and half-startle you into a smile and wrestle with your feet. And if you do, I’ll bring damn near anything I can possibly bring to give you even a smidgen of relief. So, there’s that at least.

It’s Been A While, So Let’s Talk Dreams

I’ve been away for a while. The combination of school and daily life cuts into writing big time. And personally I just felt like I didn’t have much interesting to say. What would I talk about? School is going really well. I have a project to work on for Psych class, and I am really having way too much fun with Anatomy class. We did dissections a few weeks ago, and I’ve always been morbidly fascinated with the body. As a little kid I watched medical shows that showed surgeries and diseases in their uncensored grossness. Even when I scrunch up my nose and are gagging I’m still having fun. Yes, I am thoroughly weird. Another side is that Zolfyer and I are looking for a new apartment to move into by the end of December. We like our apartment, but our landlord is not reliable. Our mailbox lock has been broken for three weeks, meaning we haven’t been able to get our mail out of it, and they haven’t come to fix it despite us calling them twice to ask. The thermostat that controls the heat for the entire building is in our bedroom, meaning we have to be cold at night so as not to cut everyone’s heat off. We can’t have a heater, and the thermostat was supposed to have been moved months ago. We’ve asked for it to be moved several times, it’s still there. So, we’re trying to move.

On a happy note, Zolfyer finally got out of his shit job that was making him sick with stress and got a graphic design job. He is loving it and has regained a couple pounds already, and he’s only been there a month. Currently he’s on his way to getting sick. Something is irritating his throat and making him cough, but his sinuses aren’t really acting up and he doesn’t have a fever. On top of that his stomach has been upset. I’ve given him tea and it’s helping, so we’re gonna hope he doesn’t get full blown sick. No lower respiratory tract infections, those are gross. Not to mention, he’s one of those people who doesn’t get sick very much, but when he does, it’s hardcore. And I always get sick from guys.

As far as my spiritual life goes. It’s both more and less complicated. I’ve found that I’ve moved away from the god-centric path that I originally tried to have. I still honor Anpu, give him praise and offerings and prayers, but I haven’t been to shrine in a couple months. And ya know, He’s been really chill about it. Something tells me He saw this coming, but He has made it clear that He will still be a safe base for me. Which I’m glad about, because somebody shoved me down the damn rabbit hole and I have no idea what I’m doing.

I still have the occasional zombie dreams. Sometimes they make sense, sometimes they don’t. Recently though, and more frighteningly, I’ve dealt with astral dreams that are way over my head. A few weeks ago to a month ago, I had dreams dealing with mafia bosses and monsters. Now, I know that sounds cartoonish, and it was a little, but I know these aren’t dreams of imagination. I’ve noticed recently that I’ve been “gone out” into the astral with Dapper more, as opposed to hanging around Anpu’s temple. This leads to me interacting with more people, which I’m ok with, but I can’t keep track. Mostly I’ve been dealing with assigned babysitters.

A few days ago I was out with a group of these guards and we ran into what essentially can be described as a kaijuu or mini Eldritch abomination. Lots of tentacles, lots of wanton destruction and sharp teeth. Somehow me and these three wolves (they’re like Dapper, with human-y forms) ended up fighting this bastard. I’m not really helpful in a fight, so I was handling strategy and healing. At one point I’m in an office building watching over the fight. Thankfully the government isn’t completely inept and most civilians are away from the danger, but some are still escaping, and there’s always the national guard/local soldiers to look out for. I notice something creeping up behind me and it’s a spirit of some sort. I choose to call it a demon because it had a very creepy, dangerous energy to it. I was wary of it, but it just talked, about the fight mostly. I’m fairly certain it asked about me, but I don’t remember the dialogue as much. I do know our conversation ended when said monster did a typical monster thing and blarghed an energy beam everywhere. I had to run and dive to avoid getting killed and crushed by debris as it hit the building I was in. Last thing I saw was the demon before one of the wolves came in and rescued me.

The dream cuts over to the wolves and I gathering in a parking garage where some government officials were plotting how to escape. There are still civilians in the city, so we weren’t that keen on helping them, but I fielded questions about the monster and tried to help the conversation for getting more citizens out. Of course the beastie should show up and start fighting with the wolves. The wolves ask me to take down the wards constraining their magic. Why I’m in charge of that, I don’t know, but I do and they go ham on the tentacled bastard. Next I leave the building. I don’t know why I left the building, I really don’t, but I went through the other side of the parking garage to find a school playground. With kids still in it, apparently oblivious to the kaijuu rampaging not more than ten yards away. And a strange woman came out and grabbed me. Dream cuts over to the wolves, and their increasingly successful fight. I’ll make it short and tell you they won. They didn’t kill it, but it’s too weak to keep rampaging, and the officials take the opportunity to bolt, and nearly get got as they drive past the injured beastie.

It then jumps back to me, feeling half drugged and confused in a cluttered apartment. Whoever is with me, the woman who grabbed me from the school, is also the same demon from the office building. And she’s being a creeper, petting me and running her fingers through my hair and giving me chores to do. I go with it because I’m not fully there, my thoughts are all kinds of scrambled. At one point she tells me to clean the sink, and it’s a major pain in the ass. Besides it being full of mushy food, the big spoon she gave me has this dumb ass hole in it. Strangely, there were also coins of all kinds in there too. All shapes and sizes, different currencies, some of them old. I actually collect coins in real life, so these mysterious coins piqued my interest, and I was trying to separate them to keep them, but some of the little ones were at risk of falling down the drain. At a certain point this woman stopped me and pulls me over to the bed. She starts combing my hair (which is longer Over There than it is Here, like, way longer, especially since I cut it Here) and telling me how sweet I am and how pretty my hair is. So pretty she’s gonna turn it into a scarf. Which she does, pulling it tightly and hard before cutting it off. I’ve been getting increasingly pissed off this whole time, and trying to shake off whatever magic she’s got on me.

She makes a creepy comment implying that she did unsavory things to me and that she intends to do more. That got me awake and pissed enough to control my magic and blow off the spell. I grabbed her by the throat when she turned around and started to choke her. She made some strangled comment about loving me or something and I grabbed the scarf she had made magically out of my hair and proceeded to strangle her with it. She changed her form so I couldn’t kill her, first so the scarf slipped down to her shoulders, then she grabbed an object, a framed degree or something, to keep between her and the scarf. Then she turned her head and neck into a book. In that form she couldn’t move, so I took the opportunity and bolted.

Cue creepy escape, complete with abandoned building and demon voice following me as I tried to escape. I had tried running down the stairs, but I felt my legs getting weak and her magic chasing me. I wasn’t sure if I could get away before she could come after me, but I remembered my magic, now uncapped since it had to be to let the wolves loose. I figured since I didn’t want her chasing me, I went back and attacked her. She was still recovering from her transformation and I set her and her apartment on fire. It wasnt normal fire, more like the move amaterasu from Naruto. She screamed at me for being cruel when she loved me and I got out of there. The playground was mostly empty now, and I got found by my wolfies and we got out of there.

I didn’t think more of it until last night, when I had a freakish dream about Dapper getting attacked and flipping shit. Like, losing his fucking mind. It was terrifying because he has never, ever, freaked the fuck out. Not like this, it was more than just being terrified. I couldn’t even be sure if I was entirely there. I felt incredibly dissociated, and I couldn’t help as much as I wanted. I’m fairly certain I took him to a hospital, where he was able to call one of his contacts. I woke up shortly after that.

I’ve been rather freaked out about that since.