Sleep it seems is a Fickle Friend

Let me introduce you to my brain. My brain is very strange, it loves holding on to things it reads and, much to my distaste, easily and quickly discards things it hears, unless it’s attached to strong emotions. And even then it still may not hold on to it. My brain loves handcrafts, but it is easily distracted. It enjoys video games greatly, but it is peculiar about it, often going without for months and then having binges where it is the main activity every day for a good bit. But mostly, my brain just doesn’t know what it wants to do with itself. It is fickle, it is temperamental, it is obsessive, selectively compulsive, anxious, easily upset, prone to depression but above all it likes to fuck around with sleep.

I am not a morning person, but alas society prefers diurnal people to people of the night. I am an owl, a wolf, and the spawn of insomniacs. Not all of the insomniacs in my family are nocturnal, but nonetheless I have inherited this problem with sleep. My brain just refuses to keep schedule. It might cooperate for a week or two, but then it’s off to do its own thing. The gods forbid I read something intriguing or thought-provoking before bed, or do some (or a lot) of writing before bed. Sometimes it just doesn’t like to sleep at night, sometimes it oversleeps, sometimes it doesn’t really know what it’s doing. As a result, especially concerning its other idiosyncrasies and my neuroses, I am often tired during the day.

The last two weeks have exemplified this behavior in my brain. The night before I couldn’t sleep until 6 am and slept until 4pm. Last night I didn’t sleep at all. Yay me right? But I’ve also been having dreams. My last post exemplified what my brain has done when it does sleep. I really don’t know what it’s doing honestly.

Anyway, I’ve gotten ideas despite the sleepiness. I don’t think they’re going anywhere right now, alas the creative center of my brain keels over when I don’t sleep or sleep poorly. I managed to get a lot of writing done, but now that I’ve lost an entire night I can feel that I have brainpower for logic and non-creative writing such as this blog post. Doesn’t always stop the ideas, but the execution of said ideas tends to suffer. Sometimes it still works, sometimes my brain just putters out.

On to the spiritual half now! Last night and the night before we had freakish storms. They were only a couple hours each, with fantastic lightning and thunder to match. They get an extra dose of “hmm, what’s that about?” because the night before I was definitely praying for some hellos from Anybody interested in saying hi. Kinda made me wonder if Sutekh/Set is saying hi. Such a thought is both very exciting and intensely terrifying, because from what I’ve heard, He’s “crazy and deranged” in a good way. Like being the child of a mad scientist or something XD I don’t know, I know that none of the gods I was looking at are “easy”. Sekhmet, Anpu, Wepwawet, possibly Set, They’re all warriors. They’re all challengers. Sure, They have gentle and loving and compassionate sides, but they are by no means coddling. I went traipsing around wordpress for more blogs from Kemetics because I like seeing what and how other people are doing and I found a couple talking about the gods not being cuddly. They’re not fluffy. I already knew this of course, but there’s something about being reminded of it, of seeing someone’s personal example of how They can and will shove you over and bite you to get you moving, to get things done, to make you better, that just makes it more real. And I’m glad of it. I came here for the gods, I will hardly turn back now.

It’s a bit nerve-wracking when you think of it. In Christianity there’s a plethora of passages about how YHWH will change you and no one can change without Him. It’s not supposed to be easy, but I feel like there’s just a tad bit of complacency there, because YHWH is also full of mercy and patience and in some circles there may be an implication that He’s gonna do all the work. Not so with any pagan god or goddess as far as I can tell. Certainly not those I want in my life. Somehow the thought that any one of Them is willing to shove me off an emotional cliff out of impatience that I’m pussyfooting around is more comforting and relieving than a god who is willing to let me pace at the cliff’s edge forever. Even though it’s also simultaneously terrifying, because it means I can’t pace at the cliff’s edge XD and that I have no excuses, because They’ll just growl, or bite, or sigh, and throw me. They’re willing to tear me to pieces, and that’s ok. Scary, frightening, but it’s alright that it’s that way. It means I can trust Them to do what needs doing, and to know that, even though it may be mean or even cruel, it’s really because They see what I need and give a damn.

Advertisements

I have Strange Dreams

Welcome to another of my dream posts! I only have one today, though I’ll admit it seems to have shown up in TB head too. So, my Nephew and Sister are here still, which is fine, just means toys are everywhere despite his being unable to crawl lol They both featured in my dream, Nephew was really the most prominent one. What happened in this dream was, it was actually set in a realistic version of my grandmother’s house, where I live. Usually my brain twists my dream locations to ridiculousness. They usually bear only a passing resemblance or key points of the reality they’re based on, and combining features of real locations is common. This time though, it was basically close to reality, about 95% I’d say. I couldn’t point out specific differences because it doesn’t matter that much lol

Anyway, this dream. I was playing games while listening to music on my Kindle Fire, nothing unusual, that’s a frequent activity for me, that and reading, writing, and crocheting. Sister asked me to take Nephew upstairs for a bath, or that’s what I’m assuming, I just know I took him upstairs for bathing. I took my Kindle with me for music purposes, and we sat on the edge of the tub waiting for the water to fill up. Now, we have a baby tub for him because he’s only five months old, or we just bathe him in the sink (which is getting hard because the sink is shallow and he’s 95th percentile for his age and length) so this straight tub thing was weird. I had the niggle in my logic board that this dream wasn’t right, but the dream kept going, as it often does. I noticed recently that more of my dreams nowadays are lucid in the sense that I’m aware I’m dreaming or that what’s happening is not based in reality, but I rarely interfere with the path of the dream because I’m curious where it’s going or don’t care or know I’ll wake up.

Regardless, I let the tub fill up. For some reason, I wasn’t holding Nephew, but he wasn’t in the water yet, I’m not sure where he was, he was in existence limbo while I chose a different song on my Kindle. I can’t remember what it was, but I’m aware that it was most likely an Evanescence song because that’s the music I listen to the most often, along with Flyleaf and Linkin Park. I actually go to sleep to those groups, but I’m not sure if my music was still playing during this dream. The playlist is only a few hours long and most of my vivid dreams are near the end of the night, long after the music has stopped. Either way, it was a song I listen to very often and was one of my favorites. My spirit guide Xintao is nearby, I feel like he’s telling me it’s Taking Over Me or Give Unto Me. Perhaps Breathe No More, which are three of my favorites. It wasn’t super loud and neither is he, so I’m not sure, I feel it’s important though.

I know there was something funky going on with what I was doing on my kindle. Something about surfing the web and games, but mainly surfing the web. It was a research site of some sort, but I can’t recall the image clear enough in my brain to make out what it was about. Perhaps computers or something, or my recent game binge. Either way, now Nephew is in the tub. I turn to look at the water, it’s nearly completely filled the tub, close to overflowing. Nephew hasn’t been in the water for more than a second or two, but he’s in there. The problem is I couldn’t turn the water off. It wasn’t overflowing, but at first I couldn’t get it off. And he’s covered in water over his head.

Then of course the mad rush to save Nephew from drowning. He was upset and sitting up at first, but at the first failed grab for him he fell backwards and tried not to cry. I tried picking him up again, somehow both freaked out and thoroughly calm. I knew I should be freaked out, in the sense that it was like two separate me in the same space, the same body. I dream most often in third person, with short fluctuations to first person, so it creates an interesting dynamic between my dream self and whatever part of my spirit is observing, in the sense that I feel both the observer and the feelings of my dream self, while simultaneously NOT feeling my dream self’s feelings. It’s hard to describe. It took several tries to pull him from the water and he was unharmed, just very upset and thoroughly wet. He cried of course, coughing a bit, but he hadn’t breathed in any water, much to my relief. I dropped my Kindle in the water, and trying to retrieve it (it’s 200$ and was important) I dropped my phone (not so important and already beat up). I recall the image of water behind the screen and trying to shake it out in frustration. There was just something very important about saving that damn Kindle.

I wrapped Nephew up, and my dream scene-skipped to me bring him downstairs dry and diapered. I delivered him to Sister and sat down to try to rescue my Kindle. I know that turning things off is important for rescuing them from drowning, but turning it off was completely failing. I mean no matter how much I pressed the power button it wouldn’t turn off. Instead, it kept opening web pages, and they seemed random, but they were colored. Red page, blue page, red page again. I have no idea what was on them, they had something to do with computers and communication and hacking, but I couldn’t see the specific words. I just know that it too, was important. I woke up soon after, I only have tiny useless snippets of the last segment of the dream. I eventually got the Kindle turned off and Nephew was fine.

 

Now, two nights ago, two days after my dream my boyfriend had an eerily similar dream. He dreamt of visiting me here at my grandmother’s and my sister asking him to give Nephew a bath. Normally, I would help him, or he would ask for help because he isn’t used to babies like Sister and I are. (We’re the oldest of eight, the youngest of whom is four years old, and have experience babysitting across age groups, he has experience with babysitting his cousin and he was too young to be left alone with her when she was an infant.) Nonetheless, he took Nephew upstairs for a bath. Apparently, very similar events happened in TB’s dream. He filled the tub, put Nephew in it, and Nephew fell over and TB couldn’t get him out. Nephew was making an angry-upset face that creeped TB out, it was extremely far from reality the type of expression Nephew was making. When Boyfriend finally got the baby out, he was coughing and crying and still making the creepy angry face before bringing him downstairs. Boyfriend forgot to tell me the rest, I had to get off the phone before he could finish.

Gotta wonder what this is all about ya know?

Hmm, I wish they were down here

Ever had one of those days where you wish your gods were literally huggable? I’m sure not everyone would want that, but I think I could use one of Them down here. Lately I’ve felt off-kilter, not actually down in the depths of a depression or anything, but sorta like…sitting in the shade I guess. Or perhaps sitting in fading light is better, since shade is rarely dark enough to make you doubt your eyes. It’s been hot recently, something I’m sensitive to, now I’m back to looking for work, my practice isn’t really developing, but that’s partly because I don’t really know what to do with it.

I’m pretty lost here. I’m not used to such a way of worshiping. Lots of people say “focus on your practice” and “you don’t need to start with the gods” but that doesn’t tell me anything. First off, the reason I left Christianity was for the Divine. I don’t like having to go through a ton of human interaction to get my relationship with the Powers That Be. It’s absolutely ridiculous to allow mortals to block my access to Them or Him depending on how you look at it. So, I left. And the thing is, one of the things I always loved about Christianity is worship and singing. It drives me insane that no one knows what the music is for Ancient Egyptian hymns. I love love love singing in praise, you know how awesome it would be to sing songs that actually belong to Anpu and Wepwawet and Sekhmet?

There aren’t many resources for how to go about being a lay worshiper. Historical or otherwise. I’ve got resources about the gods and Their personalities, I’ve got resources about how to understand ma’at, and how to understand the Ancient Egyptians view of the universe. I’ve got all that, but none about just starting out as a lay person, a beginner pagan and Kemetic. None for a person who came specifically to seek the gods. How do I know I’ve got Their attention or are being ignored or told to go away? It’s not like my baby nephew looks at my altar space and bursts into tears or can’t sleep in the room with it. It’s not like I go to pray or light candles and nephew gets upset, sister sees stuff in her peripheral vision or hears things and the dog goes nuts.

I do know that my dog has never bothered me when I prostrate in prayer, but that could just be because we fuss at him when he bugs us on the floor. There’s three ghosts and three guardian spirits in the house and I’ve never gotten a word saying there’s a problem. And trust me, one of those guards is my nephew’s, he would absolutely say something to my sister or our guardians if there was a problem. He’s a big ol’ owl and often entertains the nephew, who promptly gets upset when he goes somewhere else. And now that I think of it, my old dog Shadow (we call him Big Shadow to differentiate from our current puppy, also named Shadow, who is still a baby but is hardly small) still hangs around the house. He was extremely protective of my sister and I, so I would imagine he’d have something to say too. But their silence only tells me that nothing dangerous is happening.

Really the question is what should or could I do? I’m trusting my intuition here that the three deities I’ve chosen are interested and good matches for me, but really I’m just not sure what else to do. I know I’m not going to always feel Them, or feel Them strongly, but an Ethereal Hug now and then would be great. And some advice or something, anything really to let me know that I’m alright and doing things acceptably. Something to comfort me and calm me and my many many anxieties and doubts. It’s not like this is the only part of my life that I’m looking for and need help with. I don’t expect Them to magically fix things, but even a nudge saying “hey, try this”, “hey chill out, it’s alright”, “don’t you DARE say that” would be great.

Well, now that I think of it, Anpu did intervene in one argument between me and TB, basically tugging at my ears to apologize and do it without trying to justify myself. That last part was hard, I don’t like being wrong, or admitting that I didn’t have a reason to be jerkish. It’s mainly stubbornness, but it has to do with some insecurities I have as well. Stuff I still need a lot of work and help with. Another reason I want to hear from Them. It would be nice if I was any good at songwriting, then I could make songs for Them, I imagine They’d really like that.

Trouble, Trouble, Boil and Bubble

This last few weeks have been ones of ups and downs. Arguments abounded, hurt feelings blew in, and I’m about to stop talking to another friend. You see, me and TB had a plethora of arguments, really rough ones. We’re fine now, don’t worry. One of my best friends and I got into a nasty argument last week though. She’s having a super ultra mega rushed wedding, even though she’s still forging her way through school and supposedly has a lot going on that no one knows about. We were arguing because she was being completely unreliable in getting me the information I needed to be her bridesmaid. I gave her an ultimatum because of it. I wasn’t (and still aren’t) the only person missing key information about this wedding or what her supposed difficult circumstances are. She wants people to have sympathy for troubles they aren’t aware of. That was her defense for why I shouldn’t be giving ultimatums and should be patient and considerate. Of course, the wedding is like the first week of July and she first asked me to be a bridesmaid in May, but I still didn’t have the dress information and had to find out the exact date of the ceremony from another person. It’s nearly impossible to contact her, so although I probably could’ve said it better, I think I was justified in giving her an ultimatum over something she’s rushing anyway and is supposed to be organizing. Either way, she “kicked me out” of the wedding party because she was offended that I wouldn’t be considerate of circumstances she didn’t mention, and only exactly as vaguely as it sounds, until I had said I was angry for her lack of reliability. Quite frankly it’s suspicious that she doesn’t mention these vague problems with no explanation until someone gets angry that she rushes them but then disappears without divulging necessary information. So yeah, she isn’t talking to me, and is still mad, and I likely won’t go to her ceremony. My plan is to make her a gift and have someone else deliver it.

On to the second thing, today I got into an argument with a friend of seventeen years. I’m five months from 21, so that’s even more important to me. Basically, I started out teasing him about his lack of grammar and spelling on facebook (though to be honest it was very hard to read, he really butchered English in the initial message and subsequent responses). But he started on about how I was bein hype and all this talk was pointless and didn’t have anything to do with anything. I gave a thoughtful and logic-based response for why he should care about grammar and spelling. He responded by mocking me and name-calling. I stayed calm and respectful, going into more detail about what I meant, as well as refuting his unnecessary accusations which weren’t even relevant or were blatantly twisting my words out of context or straight up sticking new ones in my mouth. Either way it didn’t end well and my feelings are extremely hurt.

This is more a rant post, about a week and a half in the making. I’ll get back with a useful post later or tomorrow (or Monday).

 

Reconciling and More Strange Dreams

So, I apologized to Anpu the other day. Why? Well if you saw my crazed post maybe a week ago if I’m remembering correctly, you’ll remember that I blew up at Them and yelled angrily at Them. I’m aiming to apologize to Wepwawet and Sekhmet individually. I think I’ll focus on working with them individually and making a relationship one on one before worshiping them all together. I felt like Anpu wanted first dibs on the personal attention, like we mutually agreed we got off to the wrong start and should start over.

The thing is, I’ve had these disturbing sex dreams. Like the last dream I had, there was a part I purposely left out because it was an awkward part about sex that was extremely unusual and somewhat disturbing and involved TB. I had another dream today that was very disturbing and unfortunately not the first time I’ve had it. I have a twin sister, and that’s all I’ll say about it, read between the lines. The thing is I don’t know what they’re supposed to mean or why I’m having them. It’s not pleasant to wake up after them and have no idea why they’re there or what to do about it.

Like for real, is a deity trying to get my attention? Or defer it? I’m not sure at all, and it’s not really helping my mental state, especially since the subject is not even close to being easy to talk about. It’s not like I’m dreaming about flying brick whales or rabbits stealing spaghetti. It’s not like it’s snakes or rollercoasters or at the very least something easy like my best friend. Sex dreams about your best friend you talk to about sex anyway is pretty easy, even if it’s kooky or eyebrow raising. At least for me. Ultra creepy dreams about my twin sister? Not so much. I still haven’t even told TB about the dream from my last post. It’s totally off the wall and definitely not something that can be found in a dream dictionary. I feel like it means something, but what? I need someone who isn’t involved in my life to ask about this more privately.

Maybe the gods will make the meaning more obvious on Their own or through someone else.