Let me introduce you to my brain. My brain is very strange, it loves holding on to things it reads and, much to my distaste, easily and quickly discards things it hears, unless it’s attached to strong emotions. And even then it still may not hold on to it. My brain loves handcrafts, but it is easily distracted. It enjoys video games greatly, but it is peculiar about it, often going without for months and then having binges where it is the main activity every day for a good bit. But mostly, my brain just doesn’t know what it wants to do with itself. It is fickle, it is temperamental, it is obsessive, selectively compulsive, anxious, easily upset, prone to depression but above all it likes to fuck around with sleep.
I am not a morning person, but alas society prefers diurnal people to people of the night. I am an owl, a wolf, and the spawn of insomniacs. Not all of the insomniacs in my family are nocturnal, but nonetheless I have inherited this problem with sleep. My brain just refuses to keep schedule. It might cooperate for a week or two, but then it’s off to do its own thing. The gods forbid I read something intriguing or thought-provoking before bed, or do some (or a lot) of writing before bed. Sometimes it just doesn’t like to sleep at night, sometimes it oversleeps, sometimes it doesn’t really know what it’s doing. As a result, especially concerning its other idiosyncrasies and my neuroses, I am often tired during the day.
The last two weeks have exemplified this behavior in my brain. The night before I couldn’t sleep until 6 am and slept until 4pm. Last night I didn’t sleep at all. Yay me right? But I’ve also been having dreams. My last post exemplified what my brain has done when it does sleep. I really don’t know what it’s doing honestly.
Anyway, I’ve gotten ideas despite the sleepiness. I don’t think they’re going anywhere right now, alas the creative center of my brain keels over when I don’t sleep or sleep poorly. I managed to get a lot of writing done, but now that I’ve lost an entire night I can feel that I have brainpower for logic and non-creative writing such as this blog post. Doesn’t always stop the ideas, but the execution of said ideas tends to suffer. Sometimes it still works, sometimes my brain just putters out.
On to the spiritual half now! Last night and the night before we had freakish storms. They were only a couple hours each, with fantastic lightning and thunder to match. They get an extra dose of “hmm, what’s that about?” because the night before I was definitely praying for some hellos from Anybody interested in saying hi. Kinda made me wonder if Sutekh/Set is saying hi. Such a thought is both very exciting and intensely terrifying, because from what I’ve heard, He’s “crazy and deranged” in a good way. Like being the child of a mad scientist or something XD I don’t know, I know that none of the gods I was looking at are “easy”. Sekhmet, Anpu, Wepwawet, possibly Set, They’re all warriors. They’re all challengers. Sure, They have gentle and loving and compassionate sides, but they are by no means coddling. I went traipsing around wordpress for more blogs from Kemetics because I like seeing what and how other people are doing and I found a couple talking about the gods not being cuddly. They’re not fluffy. I already knew this of course, but there’s something about being reminded of it, of seeing someone’s personal example of how They can and will shove you over and bite you to get you moving, to get things done, to make you better, that just makes it more real. And I’m glad of it. I came here for the gods, I will hardly turn back now.
It’s a bit nerve-wracking when you think of it. In Christianity there’s a plethora of passages about how YHWH will change you and no one can change without Him. It’s not supposed to be easy, but I feel like there’s just a tad bit of complacency there, because YHWH is also full of mercy and patience and in some circles there may be an implication that He’s gonna do all the work. Not so with any pagan god or goddess as far as I can tell. Certainly not those I want in my life. Somehow the thought that any one of Them is willing to shove me off an emotional cliff out of impatience that I’m pussyfooting around is more comforting and relieving than a god who is willing to let me pace at the cliff’s edge forever. Even though it’s also simultaneously terrifying, because it means I can’t pace at the cliff’s edge XD and that I have no excuses, because They’ll just growl, or bite, or sigh, and throw me. They’re willing to tear me to pieces, and that’s ok. Scary, frightening, but it’s alright that it’s that way. It means I can trust Them to do what needs doing, and to know that, even though it may be mean or even cruel, it’s really because They see what I need and give a damn.