On Violent Dreams and Hidden Jackals

So I had an interesting dream last night. It started at my grandmother’s house. Gm was there of course, but really the weird part about this is that I have kids. A daughter and son. Now, this isn’t completely based in reality, I have no children and certainly not a pair of five year olds. Nephew isn’t even two yet and I know these were my kids in the dream. Anyway, we’re all watching tv and talking about something and the news comes on talking about danger and problems and end of the world and whatnot. I don’t know why I went outside but I did, hearing the neighbors half panicking and talking to each other about it. I was more worried about something else, but the danger warning was a serious problem. For some reason I feel it was directed towards me and not the “rest of the world”.

Either way I didn’t stay at Gm’s for too much longer. A friend had called saying that the kids’ father (not Zolfyer, it was some older white guy, like forties while I’m in my thirties) was on his way. Whomever this person was, it was not a good thing that he was coming. I was hardly worried about him getting there after I left, Gm is more than a match for any asshole. Being 5 foot even means nothing when you can be as nasty as a honey badger and have a pistol to back up your bite. Seriously, she can scare the tar out of grown ass men over a foot taller and any weight heavier.

I’m not sure where I went, there was a time skip of sorts. I’m sure we went back to our house, the kids and I. I don’t know where it is, but it was now night and I was inside. There was still news that the father was looking for us, but my friends (who, oddly enough, were veggietale-like creatures) were keeping him away and helping us. Eventually I see myself at work in a museum (the existence of which I would love, it was absolutely gorgeous inside) and talking to another friend, possibly my friend Jasmine, about work and other things which I can’t remember. Safety I think was one, being annoyed about something was another, like really angry about something not going how I wanted and getting worse instead, as well as people being dicks. I’m not sure what section of the museum I worked in was, possibly a section on animals and it was next to an art section. Perhaps, I’m not sure.

I then go home to find my veggie friends freaking out. They say that the father is on his way and some serious problems are about to erupt in the country and city, so we need to get to America. Obviously it makes little sense to sail from America to America, but alas we got in boats (at night) and went through the canals and rivers of the city we were in (I’ve never been to Venice, instead it was a fictional Philly) and climbed up the banks to a sheltered cottage surrounded by forest, though we could still see some city lights from the riverbank. It was a very beautiful house and was apparently mine, but I’m not sure. Inside I was doing a lot of things, cleaning and freaking out over something and making it safe and whatnot before putting the children to bed. I think a memory of another dream was pulled out and mixed up some of the details. Other people besides the veggie friends were there. I think Zolfyer may have been there but I’m not sure, faces were blurry in the dream as well as after I woke up. They were all here to help protect me and the kids.

After a while there was sleep and again a lot of extremely blurry details of events. I don’t think they were that important but it had to do with safety and things disrupting the harmony of the home. Demons and the like I’m almost certain. Then out of nowhere the father shows up and there’s a lot of arguing and fighting. They’re all trying to keep him away from me (who is in the kitchen) and the children (who are upstairs). He was saying nasty things about me and my mothering skills and was angry I was keeping the kids away, especially because the kids were terrified of him for being an abusive bastard. I’m not sure how or when I ended up in the livingroom, but I did and the kids were downstairs. Everyone was essentially telling me to kill him because we were fighting. I’m not sure how I managed to subdue him with a fork, or even why I had a fork or where I got it from, but I got him with silverware and then strangled him to death. It, was not scary, but it was very strange. I don’t generally kill in my dreams, much less get encouraged to do it. Either way, when he was dead I was upset and the children were too, but not for the reason I was. Well, they were upset I had to kill him, like I was, but not that he was dead. I was more upset that I had just murdered more than anything. It blacked out after that. Well, there was one last scene where all three of us dunked our heads in a pool of water inset into the brickwork where a fireplace might go to cleanse ourselves. After that there was nothing bad and we were free, or something similar. It took me a few head dunks.

After that I was in a room similar to my Pop-Pop’s guest room, but much larger and arranged differently. It was very bright in there and I was sleeping. Someone came into my room to wake me up. Now, in the dream it was my “sister” (the energy was closest to that of my twin) but not really her. She got on the bed to shake and poke my arm to wake me but said nothing. As soon as she touched my skin I knew that it very much wasn’t her but Anpu. I don’t know why or how or what but I have never been more sure in my life that it was my god in there at that moment. I woke right up and swung hard at “her” and managed to stop myself from swinging IRL at Zolfyer who was very much still asleep and has already gotten hit in the face by my sleeping movements. I even remember opening my eyes briefly to make sure I hadn’t hit him and to put my arm down gently. I remember saying very sternly in dream to the disguised Jackal that I was tired of Him showing up costumed like my sister. I told Him that if He wanted to talk He should just come as Himself. The “girl” frowned and took her hand back slowly, though I realize now she never got off the bed. My alarm went off just then.

Now that I’ve had time to think about and recollect the dream more thoroughly I wonder exactly who that girl is. She was not my sister though her energy was clearly familiar enough to make my brain think, at least at first, that that was who she was. I also wonder why she gave off the strong and undeniable energy and scent of Anpu. He’s been far today, probably because I’ve never snapped at Him like that before. I’m not even sure why I snarked so hard or how I knew that it wasn’t the first time He’d disguised Himself in my dreams. I feel bad because I didn’t even get to find out what He/she wanted or why they were waking me from sleep within sleep. Maybe I’ll get lucky and find out tonight.

There was also something else I wanted to talk about. Recently I embarked on a very Setian project. A satirical tumblr and facebook page on being the wackiest, most stereotypical, lunatic fluff pagan worshipper of Anpu. It seems the Jackal is not pleased with this. It’s been made clear that He would rather me write and spread good and true information about His worship to help others than to make satire, especially since people tend to miss the sardonicism and crassness and take things seriously and they aren’t meant to be. He’s also not happy with me trolling a facebook group that is full of people who lack critical thinking skills but are full of hubris and entitlement. So, in order to not incurring anger, especially since I just yelled at Him this morning, I probably will let those projects get taken over by others and not “waste time” per se when I could be helpful instead. So there’s that.

Set has basically disappeared from view. It’s so much so that I’ve taken His things off my shrine. I can’t say I’m angry or upset He’s gone, but He’s very busy anyway. Though, I have to wonder about the storm that happened earlier in the week, just a couple days ago. It was short and not particularly strong and I was going to sit outside and enjoy it. However, I got a very distinct impression of brooding, and crankiness, so I decided to stay inside. Considering I got those impressions after “saying” hi to Set, I could assume it was Him.

As you can see I do not have a boring life. And people wonder why I don’t sleep lol

Doubt and Depression

Recently I’ve had some issues with doubt and a depressive episode. I had meant to write about this a while ago, but anyone who’s ever had depression knows that sometimes just getting up and eating is enough of a challenge, much less organizing thoughts for writing. Even now, when most of the dredge has lifted, I am eating because my stomach is mewling, not out of any desire to eat. Funny how that works huh?

I’ve noticed a pattern to my depressions, though they don’t always run smoothly into complete freedom. I also am prone to anxiety and panic, though I personally don’t consider them much in the way of panic attacks. I guess I can project calmness too easily or something. Or rather, I can keep the anxiety inside myself instead of it bursting out to startle people. Unless of course they get in my way while I’m cleaning or doing some other thing to dispel the anxiety.

I mention this because I find myself doubting the most during depression. Doubting everything and everyone. Myself and my sanity, my path and my gods, even my boyfriend and relationship. It’s very disconcerting and not easily dispelled. I spend a lot of time reminding myself of what I know and think and feel when I’m healthier and that this too shall pass. I admit I often even doubt that, that it’ll pass. It’s difficult to see out the tunnel when there’s no light right?

During this time I read an article by Devo. It’s a very useful post, especially for those confused newbies, but for someone depressed and not hearing their gods it can be a little faith-shaking. I wondered (and still wonder) if I did enough research, if I thought things through enough. I am aware that my initial foray into Kemeticism was childish and born of childish thinking and desires, but I feel I’ve wizened up a little. Still, I had to wonder if I had been too rash and foolish and if I should backtrack and change things up. I guess one of the Netjer decided to intervene here because every time that thought popped up so would thoughts about how they’ve come to help me.

Aset responding clearly and quickly when I called out to Her for help. Anpu talking to me and comforting me on several occasions. Anpu, Aset and Set helping me out when I was panicking over my grandfather’s health (and Anpu giving me something to help keep nightmares out of the house). Set talking to me and hanging around when Anpu was busy. Anpu recently came back too. Aset was pleased with my recent cooking expedition. I really have no idea what’s going on with Set, but who ever does? Perhaps I should have taken more time to consider and been more thoughtful and researched more, but now I’m here and gods have responded. I still have more learning ahead of me, but for now I need not doubt.

Back for a Bit

Lately I’ve felt like writing and I don’t really know what to write about. I feel like it would be helpful to actually use my blog since it’s been sitting dead and quiet for a while. I’m going to start school in September, which is good, because as my mom says “two years are gonna pass by anyway, might as well do something that’ll help you.” And she’s right. At first I was hmm-hawing over what I would go to school for or if I really would go, but, I have decided. Nursing is what I’m pursuing and I plan to do well. Here’s hoping I get one of the seats in the program because the particular one I’m aiming for is quite competitive.

I’ve been doing ok in the spiritual department lately. I’m still not really sure what I’m doing or supposed to be doing. I’m not entirely sure how to ask. Or who to ask. I figure asking the Netjer would of course work, but I’m not sure I’ll like the answer. Or if they’ll answer, since, ya know, quiet Anubis and all. I do have a few thoughts, but I can’t say what they’ll really do or mean. I figure if I make it a point to do things they’ll like I’ll at least have devotional actions down right? Right? That’s easy to do for Aset, because She’s a very home-centered deity. Even my job can be dedicated to Her, because I work with children. Now that I think a bit about it, I guess in a fashion that could be dedicated to Anpu as well. He is a guide after all and He makes things whole. Helping special needs children, guiding and wholeness, makes sense to a degree.

I still feel distant from the gods. Still like I’m missing something here. What is it? Something important is going over my head. I look at other people and they interact and get requests and instructions and aggravation from their gods. Am I not interacting enough? I think that may be it. I still have a ways to go. Still a puppy over here. Luckily Anpu is patient, because a part of the reason I am caught up in life. I’m still figuring so much out and worrying over money to pay for everything, especially now that school is coming. I don’t want to be one of those people who is always nagging someone or a god or divination for the answers and not trying to figure things out for myself, but I feel like I’m being told that it’s ok to ask I guess? At least it’s easy to hear late at night like this.

Anyway, nice to see you alls. I shall be going to bed now.

C is for Commitment

Ok, I know I’m ultra late with C for the PBP, but better late than never right?

So, commitment. Dictionary.com violates the rules of defining words (they use the word being defined in its definition) for the first two definitions, but the third and fourth are better. It defines commitment as: “3. the act of […] pledging, or engaging oneself. 4. 

a pledge or promise; obligation.”
Now, I’ll admit that I’m not fond of the word obligation, because it has certain connotations that can be negative. It tends to suggest force and lack of consent, something that must be done despite all desire and will to do otherwise, or being manipulated. However, it clearly doesn’t always mean that. For instance you have an obligation to feed your children, they are yours and they deserve not to starve. You should also, in theory, want to feed them, thus making it seem like less of an obligation and more voluntary.
Nonetheless, obligation has a purpose to it, especially in a religious context. You see, as a…something…to the gods you kinda make different types of commitments and obligations to them. It depends on your relationship with a particular deity. Of course, I’m talking about religious commitment in regards to deity relations, but you can be and make religious commitments without involving deities at all.
I hope to have a long term relationship with my deities, so I will have a different kind of commitment and resident obligations than someone who just needs a deity for a season. One of my commitments is daily rites. I made that up myself to Them. Why? Well for one thing because I want to be closer to Them and disciplined, but also because I want Them to see and know that I am committed, even when I don’t feel like it or have a hard time. Unless they direct me to stay away I will do my best to show up. Of course, the real trouble with this is finding ways to create small sacred space when I’m not in my room. I often spend weekends and random days during the week not in my house. Gm and Pop-Pop’s are frequent visiting locations and the former not only stays up late but can’t be around incense or candles (not to mention I share a room with Sister and Nephew) and the latter doesn’t know I’m not Christian anymore. Still struggling with how to do shrine time at these places.
I found recently that I was willing to take the obligation this commitment brings. Even though I was super pissed and did not want to be in shrine I made myself go (this was about two or three weeks ago). I had to keep repeating to myself that it wasn’t about me, it was about them, and I had to keep things short (just couldn’t concentrate), but I was there. I’m keeping this up, I made a commitment, I have an obligation and I have to figure out this particular blockade.


Pagan Blog Project- D is for Daily not Dilly-Dally

I know I’m late and haven’t done a C post yet, but C is fighting me, so I’m gonna ignore it and then go back and beat it into submission.

So yesterday I baked bread for the first time. No one in my family makes bread from scratch, by hand, despite just about all the women being prolific bakers. I prefer cooking over baking, so I figured I’d get into the family hobby with something practical, especially since I’m not yet brave enough to start experimenting with recipes from cookbooks. Before you ask about that I’ll mention it when I beat C into submission.

This is the Result of that endeavor

This is the Result of that endeavor

I think I did ok for it being my first ever bread (or baking completely unsupervised). I had a lot of fun with it, especially the kneading and such, though I’ll admit that takes a lot of work. Talk about arm strength, it looks easy but it’s so not. What’s the point of me talking about this? I’m getting to that. You see, ever since I became a Kemetic I’ve wanted to make bread, after all it’s a common staple of Ancient Egyptian offerings to the Netjer. It was seen as an epitome of collaboration between man and Deity. Netjer makes everything needed for the bread: water because it’s frigging water, grain, cows (for milk and butter), grass for the cows, soil to grow everything in, more water for growing, sunlight, fire; then humans take over and take those things to transform it into sustenance and offer the creation back to the Netjer. And we all know AE was all about cycles and balance. Bread is the shiznit ya know?

Now, I never actually baked anything for the Jackal and Sir Chaos-a-lot, but I have cooked for them and bought things they like. Then there is Aset. She came along in response to be going “omg I’m falling apart and I suck at being a girlfriend help!” And She did, which makes me happy, because I like Her presence. She and Set don’t fight over my head either lol Speaking of the Storm God I have honey now and that’s His little personal request, should get on that. Aset hasn’t really asked for much from me, keep my room clean is really the main thing, something I’m gonna do today because it needs to be done badly and it’s annoying me by being disorganized. Oh, I’m off topic, back to baking.

I’ve wanted to bake bread in Aset’s honor for a while since She joined the Panel O Gods. I hadn’t done it, in fact I hadn’t baked anything for Her at all. I’ve cooked a few dishes in Her honor, but I feel like She’s more concerned about the baking and the caretaking role that cooking symbolizes along with other things like cleaning unbidden and whatnot. I’m still working on that, I kind of clean spontaneously on my own, meaning that there could be weeks that things go uncleaned. What ultimately prompted the baking last night was a combination of wanting to introduce myself to Ganesha (that’s a story for another time) and to finally do something solely in Aset’s honor and with Her in mind.

And I did it, I made bread, even if it is misshapen and more cake-density than bread-density. And too small for sandwiches. But I did it! And it tastes delicious, and Aset and Anpu were proud of me and Set told me not to take His rolling laughter personally XD I’m going to try again tonight after I clean my room and the kitchen. I have to say that I’m glad I didn’t use my mom’s bread machine. There is something awesome about having to get all the ingredients and then mix them, then there’s the kneading and the beating and finally the oven. I like making things with my hands even though I don’t do it nearly enough. Even with baking sweets you don’t really get your hands as worked and dirty as with bread.

Now, to the point of the post, which was not bread (I’ll admit I want to get more praise for the attempt XD). Besides wanting to improve my relationship and closeness and ability to hear my deities, I want this to be more than just a spirituality. I do actually like ritual and structure, which is why I’m so upset that no one has more songs out for the Netjer, especially MY Netjer. I like singing and have managed to modify a couple songs from my Christian days for when I’m really like omg needs to sing nao. This baking of bread is something I want to do regularly, especially since I live in a house of bread lovers lol

But, this was also an attempt to start me on a path to daily devotions. I haven’t been doing daily devotions at all, they’ve been highly sporadic. The fact my lighter just died, I need new candles and I can’t find my other ones is just saying I need to be paying more attention. I’d like to spend a little money getting some incense and a holder for it. I like incense and I’m at my mom’s and don’t have to share a room so there’s really no excuse. Besides it’s not like I don’t know how to do mini devotions while I’m elsewhere in the universe. Not just that, but my deities deserve at least consistency from me. It’s not difficult to offer a little water at night in a corner or something. I will admit that it’s quite a bit of laziness as well as a hangup over not having something a little more proper for an altar.

This is one of those times however, where “I’ll try harder” is not enough. I need a clear and determined resolution to persevere and do devotions at least once a day no matter how tired or lazy I’m feeling or how little I have. Trying gets nothing, it’s a matter of doing. I feel like I made an ok start since I sat my ass down and did devotion last night even though I was tired and it was 1 am and I had to get up six hours from then. I feel like it was appreciated and I got a Holy Hug, which was great because I wasn’t feeling well emotionally last night when I went to pray.

I feel a little bad because I didn’t go to shrine this morning when Anpu asked me to sit in since I was too tired to get up and shower. (Yeah, some mornings I don’t shower, so sue me). It took a lot of strength to get up just to go to work, which was pointless btw since my client didn’t show. I don’t think He was angry about it, I think He was trying to give me the chance to get some Holy Hugs before work. I will be making an appearance at shrine tonight too, especially since it’s Friday I really have no reason not to. I’m going to have to take a good look at my schedule and make some decisions about things and how to discipline myself, especially about going upstairs at night. I’m a night owl and insomniac so sometimes I truly have to will myself to bed even if I’m thoroughly exhausted and that often interferes with devotions at night or any chance of them in the morning. I get the feeling that Anpu may want both morning and evening shrine time. It’s just my intuition because He hasn’t said so or given a reason He might, but I’ll have to plot that out, especially since I’m not a morning person.

Thankfully I have a patient god and goddess and Set hasn’t decided to sock me yet so yeah, we’ll see. Mayhaps I can get Iretenra over at Black Fur, Black Wing to help bug me. And there’s always Shine over at Per Ma: House of the Lion (they’re both so wonderfully nice). Hopefully they’ll have some ideas for how they keep up with the daily thing, even when every fiber is straining for the sheets instead. Maybe my stepdad has a drill so I can put these shelves on the wall so I’ll feel less poor in front of a trunk lol XD (maybe I’ll get a doorknob!).

Hopefully this baking and breaking of bread will lead to better things and daily things. I want to be close to my deities and I believe in myself.

Pagan Blog Project: Beauty

So I know I’m super late for the B weeks, but it’s ok because I don’t care lol For my B post it will be a devotional writing talking about how awesome my Netjer are 😀

Last week I was watching the show Frozen Planet on Animal Planet and really the images and videos they have are absolutely stunning. If you ever feel down and like the universe is ugly and hopeless, watch a show like The Universe (Discovery/Science) or Frozen Planet. You will feel better about life because it shows so much about our reality. Unique ice formations, penguins, seals, underwater life, baby penguins, wolves, wolverines and so much more to see. You even get to see into the lives of northern peoples. It is amazing.

Something else, besides “my gods our world is beautiful,” went through my mind as I was going to bed at 4 am after watching two hours of the show. It was a train of thoughts, starting with that I should write a blog post about how awesome the gods are, most especially Ra, for creating such a unique and shining world (and hell, world’s within the world, because the Arctic and Antarctic are truly universes unto themselves, so very different than the rest of the planet). I was also thinking that I wanted to write something in praise of Anpu and Set and it occurred to me that the icy ends of the earth really exemplify them.

Let’s start with Set. Lord of Chaos and the Desert. Are the icy tundras not both chaotic and like deserts? Especially Antarctica? There is an intense beauty of both the desert sands and the ice and snow. The sun blinds in both places, harsh in different ways. There is hardship everywhere. The tundra is no more forgiving than the sand dunes. Food is scarce, weather is extreme, winds are sharp, animals fight to survive so very hard. Ever seen Emperor Penguins in the Antarctic winter? They look thoroughly miserable don’t they? They are, and they’re starving. For months they huddle together in hunger and misery, but there is a prize at the end, for they hold eggs on their feet. It’s an excellent way to keep chicks from predators: stay inland, during winter, protecting them with their bodies, protecting each other. They suffer and do it greatly, but for such a great prize at the end.

And Set is in the ice, and He is in the cold. He is in the wind that stings and the darkest nights. He is also in the Southern Lights that illuminate the persistent night, He is the sweet relief of the rising sun over the horizon, and He is in the unbridled joy of the eggs hatching and the females returning.

Anpu is in the poles too. Many people know that He is a god of Death, but they often don’t realize that He is also a god of Life (He has numerous epithets, the clearest being “Lord of Life”) as well as god of the liminal and the between. I feel the plains of ice are just as representative of Him as the desert. Think about it, there are few places where the hairline balance between life and death are so clear and obvious. You see Anpu when you watch a Least Weasel* kill a vole for food (which are ADORABLE btw, both animals are) and, because it is too slender to stay warm easily, uses the vole’s skin to stay warm. You see Anpu when starving wolves fight a bison and both animals may die from injuries. But you also see Him when those female penguins come back to relieve the males and they have a touching reunion. He’s there when the sun rises and when it stops doing so, when the moon shines and the wolves howl at the Northern Lights.

The gods are everywhere, and it is awesome.



*I am a carnivore lover. There are many, many, many prey animals that I love and adore, but there are so many more carnivores that I love and adore. I will always root for both sides, I will even feel sympathy and a tinge of sadness for the prey, but I will always support carnivores and their right to live. I will always argue with those who think carnivores are savage or bloodthirsty or heartless or evil. Why? Because carnivores are none of those things. They are none of the exceedingly negative and wholly human-focused labels like the ones I mentioned. They are necessary, important and beautiful, even when hunting, even when killing, and sometimes especially so. And above all they have as much a right to live as prey. Not to mention it is incredibly hypocritical to label carnivores as evil, cruel, nasty, heartless, savage, bloodthirsty, or whatever when most humans (especially in America) consume meat in much larger than healthy quantities. Carnivores do not see killing the way humans do, they never ever kill without reason or out of cruelty or spite. They kill to survive, to live, to protect themselves or their young. They are beautiful, they are wonderful, and I say kill on.

Catching Up

So, I know I’ve been gone for a while. Quite a bit has happened; not all of what I wanted to talk about I remember. I remember having an epiphany that will probably make life a little easier. This had to do with something Aubs wrote a little while ago (or was it Devo?), about blocking oneself. It made me think that perhaps for some things I am blocking myself. That’s when the epiphany happened and my brain spilled the beans about some things I already knew but didn’t really think about. Things I’ll be working on and may do an execration for later in the week or something. I like burning things but I don’t have anything nifty to burn things in, so I may just have to go fireless (boohoo).

I was also thinking of doing a spell for jobs and stuff. Right now TB and I are still with the staffing company and it’s getting harder to save as more bills pop up, like his school bill. I did ask Anpu and Set if they could tell me what’s up with all this stuff and what I could do to find my way on this wibblywobbly path, but I got a confusing dream as an answer. Right now I’m just trying to go about life and see what I can do to make things easier.

Speaking of prayer and magic, I moved my room around. Let me tell you it was hard >.> I’m not all that strong and I have solid wood bedroom furniture. Even completely empty with all the drawers removed it took a lot of effort to move my bureau from one side of the room to another. Add in the bed, the bookcase, cleaning, and moving smaller items I was exhausted by the end. However! Moving my room around enabled me to carve out a space to pray at and light candles on. It’s not much, I have a trunk that serves as a great flat surface and there’s only candles there, but it’s an actual space. Now I just wish I had some statues (can you see Set and Anpu roll their eyes and sigh? I can XD)

I’m likely going to start looking for new jobs soon. There’s nothing wrong with the one I have really. I like the kid I work with (even though he seeks to destroy my nerves at times) and I like the place I work. The problem really is how much I make and how easily the job can be taken from me. I honestly don’t make enough money, not for the time I spend there and the travel I do or how much effort the child requires. And certainly not for a job that isn’t permanent. I’m just conflicted because the kid does need someone and he’s doing better with me there and is getting attached to me (not to say I’m not getting attached to him).

Really the person I’m worried about is TB though. He needs a job in his field and isn’t getting one. All the effort he put in school, he really enjoys graphic design too. He’s been looking since he graduated and he is having worse luck with cases than I am. I just want him to find a job in his field that he’ll like. I’m hoping and praying that one of these recent firms he’s contacted will respond positively and hire him. He could use the confidence boost anyway and he would be ecstatic to have a job that he likes and that is steady and permanent. Hell, I would be beyond ecstatic at that, because he would be happy and it’s what he wants and likes.

On yet another note, I think Aset has decided to back away until I’m actually ready for Her. The other night when I went to pray and light Her candle it refused to light. Like, the lighter wouldn’t light and when it did the wick wouldn’t catch. I told Her I got the hint and I haven’t felt Her presence since. That’s ok I guess, I still liked having Her around, but it’s not like I’m going to be jumping into the mommy and wife roles anytime soon. Guess I’m back to the boys’ club huh? Well, now I’m going to go to bed because I’ve stayed up way too late working on a new resume and setting up accounts on job hunting websites as a childcare provider. We’ll see what the morning brings I guess!

First Prayer to the Three

Hey you three, I wants to say hi. I know we’re still getting to know one another and all and I’m tripping over my feet, so I figure to help me get better and more comfortable with talking to you, I’d write letters here. It’s partly because I like typing, like my blog, can keep my thoughts and things private if I really need/want to, and can keep everything together here as opposed to in ten different notebooks/journals. I will likely get notebooks specifically for this purpose as well when I get money or can decide on an already owned one, but I hope this is a good start.

Anpu, I appreciate you taking me in. I know I didn’t exactly start this off with the most mature intentions, but I really can see me being your follower forever. Learning about you revealed so much more than I thought and I can’t wait to see and learn more about you. Your calm and patience is forever appreciated, especially since I can be so very difficult. I don’t know what you’ve got in mind for me, but I feel like I can trust you not to hurt me, you are a guardian of the lost after all and sometimes I feel very lost, and that’s often when I feel you nearby. I can’t tell you how much that means to me, and I very much appreciated you and Set making your presences very obvious last week when I was upset and enraged over unkind things that had been said to me by someone who claims to love me and when old hurts by this person boiled up after. I think back to my old religion and realize that I’ve never palpably felt such comfort and affection from that god. He never outright ignored me I don’t think, but it was always words, never a comforting presence when I’m near tears and want to set things on fire and take a pole to everything breakable. I didn’t think I’d ever prefer silence over words, but actions say so much more and you came through for me and we’re not even that close yet. I can’t wait til we’re closer than my mentors with their gods. The thought makes me happy. I’d love to hear more from you, more in terms of maybe things you’d like me to try and do or get, things that would make you feel honored and worshipped, or simply pleased to call me yours. Life as an adult scares me, so does life with Set, and with You and Aset. I am afraid of messing up with you three and with Boyfriend and with everything. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to even get that life started. Every turn I feel like something is burning the rug under us and I don’t know why or how to stop it. I need some clarity or comfort here, just to say what would be a good turn to take or just a “patience, I got this” would be great….Here’s where faith comes in I suppose, I trust you and I trust Boyfriend and I trust Set. Still would help me relax if I got an “it’s ok” or something, cuz I’m struggling and lost and need you.

Set, I’ll admit you terrified me. I never thought of you as evil, in fact I’d never heard that stuff before I started looking into this path. I can’t say I’d heard of you beforehand period, but luckily I found those who know you and got me the real info on you first. You still make me nervous, after all you’re insane, a nut, and you are tough. But, you barged your way in and now I’m determined to be yours as much as Anpu’s. The thought of the havoc and chaos you’ll undoubtedly wreak in my life to toughen me up and make room for great things both in my soul and my mundane life is nerve-wracking, but I know you aren’t just gonna leave me alone to flounder til I drown and at the very least I have a calm force in the form Anpu. It’s gonna be like staring down a bull and scary as hell, but I believe I can trust you to whack me when I need it and tear apart mountains when I can’t take them anymore. In Christianity they talk about god being the one who will rend the earth and give up whole nations on my behalf, but also being the one who expects much and gives challenges to bring you closer to righteousness and I swear they stole all of that from you. Just, I see you being the one to tell me to put my big girl panties on while threatening some Thing or Person to back off or else. The Else being fire and sand and the strength of your arms and skill of your blade. We’re still getting to know each other, but I’m sure I’ll have fun and get angry with you for a while of my life yet. No matter what craziness you’ll bring or how intimidating you are, I find myself trusting you. I find myself believing that you aim to help me and that you care about me and I find myself wanting to be closer and seeing the Crazy Princess of Destruction that my mentors see. I pose the same question, help me with ideas and requests to facilitate dialogue and relationship building between you and I. Not just that, but help me understand where my life is going and why it’s not going or doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. Am I not doing something right? Am I overlooking something? Even a general “go look over there, I saw something shiny” would be great. Please and thank you?

Aset, my lady who I have only just met compared to Anpu and Set. I feel you nearby, waiting patiently. I know I asked you in for a purpose and that purpose hasn’t come about yet, but I feel like we will grow close in the future. I know it was a little ridiculous to ask for your teachings as a Wife and Mother when I am not even close to those right now, but you came anyway and told me you would help. I cried out in need and frustration and asked for you to help me in these ways and you came, just like Anpu and Set have responded when I reached out in tears. I appreciate that so much, so very much. And you have not asked for much since then, but I want to give you something or do something that will make you feel honored and appreciated. It would make me happy to have something I could do for you.

I know I can be kind of deaf, dumb and blind and hardheaded. I know I’m whiny and a crybaby, but I ask and speak out of sincerity. I would keep going, but I’d be babbling at a certain point and I am tired. The only thing I would ask of the three of you is to maybe help me find a way to communicate, or rather, hear or notice your answers, more easily. I’m still stumbling around in the dark here, I am still operating on how I was taught to communicate with deities from a different religion and mostly in the dark here. Floundering sucks, but I’m trying to think and work on it and would so appreciate help here. Love you three, but I must be off to sleep ya know?

On Praise and Prayer

These topics continue to be at the forefront of my brain for another week. The lovely Shine keeps patiently reminding me that things don’t have to be perfect or in poem/hymnal/etc format to be pleasing praise and worship to the Netjer. Thing is, I like poetry and writing it for Them. I’ve always liked poetry, it was my first love in writing, but I’ve fallen so far out of practice that it is difficult to write poems now. This distresses me greatly, and even more so because I have such a strong desire to write for my gods and my brain isn’t churning anything out.

At least for the time being while I battle the evil that is Writer’s Block, I have plenty of people giving me suggestions for how I can write for my gods and mildly alleviate the pain of writer’s block. Not only that, but plenty of people on TC gave me good suggestions for prayer. The thing is I’m still finding myself vastly insecure at prayer, especially out loud prayer. I’m not sure why, I never had that problem as a Christian. Maybe it’s cuz they’re actually there and responding and my shyness is getting the better of me. Maybe it’s because I didn’t grow up with the comfort and ease of praying to Them as I did with the Christian god. Who knows.

However! I’ll be taking the ideas I was given to heart, and one of them was writing letters. Now, I’ve written prayer-letters before, both to the Christian god and to my own, however the difference between that and the idea I was given is to read them aloud and even put them in my shrine space like an offering. And honestly, they are a sort of offering aren’t they? Since it’s a good idea and I like writing and it’ll help my brain stop screaming about writing to my Netjer, I’m going to do some of those prayers here on my blog. I’ll create a new category just for that stuff and other praise writings and any particular offering related things. As such, I think I’ll be offering Anpu and Set some dark chocolate, and Lady Aset some good tea with honey.

Speaking of The Lady of 1000 Names, She’s been quiet in the back of my head since I started offering to her. I mean, even quieter than Anpu, and anybody who knows anything about Him knows how quiet He can be. She asked for one thing, clean space and specific tenants of personal cleanliness. I did that (and have to do it again so I can set up some space in my room here at my mother’s house) and haven’t heard from Her since. I know I asked Her to come in, but I guess I expected some talking and instructions especially since I asked for Her for a specific purpose. Nope, radio silence, except for the sense that She’s there, behind Set who has demanded attention in my brainspace this past two weeks and next to Anpu who I feel wants tea. (Did I mention the weird dream that ended with a request for honey from Set? No clue why, but He’s getting honey, so whatev there, He can have it lol).

Maybe She’s waiting for something, but I have this sense that asking directly won’t get me an answer, but I’ll try tonight anyway. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been giving Her a lot of offerings? I don’t know. I heard Aset isn’t fond of junk food and there aren’t (or weren’t) much in the house besides junk food. I always offered my dinner (which is usually healthy) but her brother and friend end up with extra offerings through the day because they like chocolate and such. I don’t want to slight Her, not at all. She’s a magnificent goddess and responded in a time of need and frustration. She was prompt and clear and I imagine that once I figure out how to be Her follower that we will become close and She will be a goddess I can depend on especially when I enter into the realm of wife and mother.

I don’t know here, so if anyone has any insight, please share. As far as the gods go, well I still have no idea what Set has in mind. I’m pretty sure I know what He’s here for (I’ll go through that eventually), but I don’t see what He’s gonna do about it. Unless He’s already doing something about it and I’m just clueless and not looking. However He claimed forefront in my thought processes for the past couple weeks and I think He’s more  satisfied with the attention and the fact that I hopped to it when He asked for something.

Anpu, I’m sure He’s up to something, but He’s quiet and smiling as usual. He hasn’t really asked for anything directly from me, and that’s ok, though I do wonder if there is any particular thing, food, object, or action that He’d like. (I’m asking Sir!) Mayhaps I can ask all of Them to communicate more directly than between dream and wakefulness XD I forget that stuff easily sometimes. Or just more directly in general? I’m kinda blind and overlook stuff often, I mean, it’s been more than once that I’ve completely walked past someone that I’m looking for. Boyfriend can attest to this, especially since it just happened the other day when I apparently looked directly at him but did not see him at all. And I said to him when he complained: “I’m not ignoring you, I never outright ignore you. I didn’t see you, I can’t see you, obviously I couldn’t since I didn’t react to you in any way whatsoever. If I had seen you, even if I was still mad at you (we had had a disagreement), I’d have acknowledged you, said hi, changed my expression, something. You insist you shouldn’t have to do anything, but I’m not going to magically notice you where I didn’t before. If you keep standing still, silent and unmoving, I will never notice you anymore than I initially did. I can’t notice you.”

I think this applies here to my gods. I can’t see you, even if you’re there, in front of my face. I don’t know why, but sometimes my perception fails me, and if you keep standing still, silent, and don’t tap my shoulder or call my name or do something else that will capture my attention, I’ll walk right past you by accident. And then you’ll be mad when I ask where you are. And even name calling may not work, if one perception fails the other could be right behind it, or I’ll hear you and still not see you. Sometimes you’ll need to grab me (cuz walking next to me waiting for me to notice doesn’t work either, I know, Boyfriend tried) especially if I’m wrapped up in my thoughts and music. I’m a real thinky type, I can zone out of life so easily completely wrapped up in thoughts and ideas and visualizations. Grounding myself takes effort and I probably need more practice at that and centering than anything else. It means that I am not always physically aware and making connections between meatspace and thought and spiritspace. Basically, if you set up something for my benefit, I may not know that and realize it, and then you’ll be mad when I ask where you were. It’s nothing personal, I just miss stuff.

But I guess this is why they hit me up in my head, especially through dreams. I’ve long since been a dreamer and someone who pays attention to them. I have wacky dreams, as anyone who knows me well and has read this blog long enough knows. I have never had a dream that was typical or archetypal or common. Ever. And if for no other reason than entertainment I pay attention to them. The fact that I’ve had spiritual dreams in the past only reinforces the need to pay attention to them. As such the only time I’ve directly heard my Netjer’s voices (Set and Aset) and clearly felt their presence (Set and Anpu) was in dreams or between dreaming and wakefulness and once directly after. Who knows, maybe that is their best way to talk with me because my brain is silly or something. Who knows, but I’m glad for that much at least.

Raging Prayer

Oh Set,



Oh powerful one of Ra

lend me your ears and strength.

I feel rage, boiling powerful rage.

Rage that seeks to destroy

to kill.

It wants to destroy all that is breakable

and kill everything that lives

including itself.

And under it is sorrow

and pain.

Bind it, oh Lord of Chaos,

tame it as you tame the dark each night.

Beat its head

crush it beneath your heel.

Take this snake of isfet,

demolish it as you would Apep.

Destroy it with your hands

rend it with the power in your arms.

This rage is not lovely,

it strangles its own righteousness,

bring it to Ma’at,

give it to Sekhmet.

Let it be brought to a rage of justice.

Oh Lord of the Unexpected,

take this unexpected thing and let it be used for holiness.

Let it be a shield against harm, let it be a shield against myself.

For this rage is not wholly good,

it has flaws that it hates

and makes it all grow larger.

Let this fire be one of higher purpose

and not merely destruction and pain.

Set, my god, guide me in the use of this rage

let it be a thing of ma’at

do not let it be consumed by isfet.