That Point Where Shit Makes Sense, and Then Stops

So, I haven’t really shared my recent astral shenanigans on here. It’s mostly been fragmented and seemingly random stuff, not enough to write about anyway. There have been some larger things, but they didn’t seem connected to my previous shenans which included zombies and whatnot. What’s got me here though is the dream I had this morning. It connected a lot of the previous year’s craziness quite nicely, but also opened up a shit ton of questions. Last year when the zombie bs started, Devo suggested that it could be related to Dapper’s soul or something going on in him. I didn’t really see how it could be, since it seemed so random at the time, and there was just as often other people, including him, around. I imagine that not every zombie adventure was about him, in fact I know that to be true. Not every zombie adventure had to do with him or his soul, we were completing work that he was instructed to do. However, the dream I had this morning shows that places we’ve been to repeatedly that involved zombies (along with other events happening in the same places) were about him.

It started with me apparently setting a soul on fire. I was in a house, and I was lighting everything up and crying about it. I have no idea why, apart from what I said; something like “I can’t let him die” and “this has to be done, this has to go” and “I don’t like this, I have to get rid of it, I have to get it out.” These words imply this may have been Dapper’s soul because the place was familiar. Like, I’ve been in this “house” before and there may have been zombies last time. Anyway, I was inside this soul and set a part of it on fire because something was wrong with it and freaking me the fuck out. I’m not sure what happened next, but I do know I was now in a different house I’ve been to before with Dapper and Z.

In this new house (not really that new, nor was the neighborhood, been here before, during and after zombies) we were talking about something. It involved plane traveling and killing shit. There was a lot of weird stuff about this house, like the fact there was a portal in the basement, and it was the type that is at the bottom of an “adventure” level, if you get my drift. The last time we were in this neighborhood, I only partly remember what we were doing there and it had to do with zombies and the other part was about hiding from cops after I killed a creeper. Anyway, we’re back and forth out of this house, interacting with the neighbors and kids on the street, while secretly trying to find some item in the basement and killing off gremlins and other unsavory things. Dapper isn’t…hmmm…it was more like a kid version of himself, a young teen or tween, which, I guess if we’re inside his soul, makes sense. It’s happened before. I’ve often been an observer when these scenes of him as a youngster happen, but sometimes I get involved with what’s happening. I’m fairly certain they’re at least partial memories.

We’re helping the neighborhood with their problems as well, so we’re very busy and are able to get some help getting this “item.” It’s like, something like clock gears, yet also like an alchemy circle, and it’s guarded by a giant spider I’ve seen before. The last time I saw this spider though, I had been dropped into a room with it. I still don’t know why I was fighting it, but that particular dream started with a mystery woman giving me some kind of poppet and that poppet made the spider back off. I don’t know why the spider didn’t like it, but it wasn’t a weapon and couldn’t hurt it, and the spider didn’t stop trying to attack, it just didn’t want to get close to me to do it. Anyway, we have to go through a half-portal I guess? The basement isn’t on its own plane but it isn’t on the same plane either, and that’s very important because it makes shit complicated and makes revival weird and difficult. I can’t explain it, I just know that it was important to not fall into any of the traps or die if we could help it. The last time I was in this house though, the basement was normal.

Anyway, now that we’ve made friends in the neighborhood, we have extra help getting this item, and we need it because the basement is a mess. There is no floor, it’s a cave-tunnel, almost straight down and there are wooden beams crossing the space like a spider web. There’s also sand everywhere, it’s moving and flowing as well. The spider didn’t antagonize us too much, it wasn’t really happy, but I can’t say it attacked us either. It simply covered the item, snatched it away and dumped it closer to where the sand had pooled and was flowing down in a slow vortex. It didn’t help us get it either. We had to try getting this thing several times. Our new friends tried first, but one died from a trap and backed out when we revived them, another got swarmed by gremlins and also backed out. In the end it was me, Zolfyer, and one friend while I carried kid Dapper on my back. Two more people showed up, they were trap keepers and, although we got the item, they knocked us into the sand vortex and watched as we all got sucked down and passed out. Weird conversation was had about the sand and the weird death from the one friend who helped. I feel like I know him, I could be mistaken, but it might’ve been Caleb, my sister’s dragon, because of his appearance. The vortex made me think of being stuck in a giant hourglass.

So, we fall through the vortex and the two trap keepers are waiting for us on the other side. Now we’re on a tree and all of us are thoroughly confused. The trap keepers say some weird shit that explains nothing and leave us on our way. Caleb seems to half-understand, but even he’s confused. We break into groups to explore, and I’m fairly certain we end up smack dab in a memory, because suddenly it’s nighttime when I get to the bottom of a hill and all of us are together again. There are soldiers with gas masks on and they’re not friendly, they try and trap Dapper and me, probably because he’s a kid and I’m a kid-looking girl. Cue running for cover, and Z and Caleb distract. They also manage to get away, but we’re all scrambling right now.

We’re in a parking lot, and we’re trying to hide. Kid Dapper is at least in enough control to use stealth magic (his magic always is extremely limited when he’s in a younger form, boo random insertion of logic and rationality) but these soldiers know what they’re doing. He almost gets caught, so he casts stealth on me and books it around the cars to distract them while I creep around in the shadows trying to find a way to safety, or at least to Z and Caleb who now have guns. A random passerby notices me and offers to help and Dapper sprints back, but before I can decide what to do, of course I wake up because I’m getting a phone call.

Yes, soul traveling! It’s all the rage! The frustrating part is that this isn’t even everything because little details and dialogue always gets lost and it’s so annoying! But I did realize that a lot of shit I’ve seen seems to be connected to these same places and houses, and also coincides with Dapper being a little kid or young teen. The house itself was connected to two other houses I visit frequently. Those houses also have had zombie problems and were in zombie neighborhoods, but they also had other stuff happen in them that were zombie-free. So, a lot of things I’ve been puzzling about at least got connected all at once, and certain things make more sense right now, however I’m still missing so much information.

For example, what the hell was freaking me out so much that I was willing to set a piece of soul on fire to kill it? That and I knew, I knew that if I didn’t set it on fire, that Dapper could die or otherwise be seriously fucked up if I didn’t? Why now anyway? Why are all these houses connected, and why are zombies such a prolific and important symbol? The fuck does that shit even mean? Not to mention, they aren’t always there. Sometimes they’re overrunning everything and at other times you’d never know they’d ever been there. I also figure that the arrangement and appearance of these houses and neighborhoods has something to do with me and the influence my brain has on the surroundings and the fact that my presence probably changes the way some things are gonna go down, because they all resemble or are amalgamations of places I actually know Here, as well as places I’ve never been and don’t recognize. Who knows, maybe this is actually my soul, or something, or some cross over between us, because these things always involve Dapper in some fashion and he tends to be the center of the craziest shit.

Then there’s why the basement was now some cracked half-plane when before it was just a normal basement. What the fuck is with the spider, and what is the item we retrieved? Why are we getting it now? What’s it for, why is it available to be retrieved now? Why did we get tossed through that trap, and why did we end up on a giant tree and then in the middle of a firefight? What do any of these things have to do with each other? While many things are now connected, a lot of the events still are unexplained. Like, why did I see the spider twice, what’s with the mystery witch giving me a poppet the first time I saw the spider. Why do I keep getting in these fights, because this is now the third time I’ve been shot at, and the fifth time I’ve had to fight and try and kill something by myself in the last couple of months. Further, these almost all happen when Dapper is compromised in some way. He’s a kid so can’t access all his power, he’s injured from some other issue, he simply can’t fight for whatever reason, or bam learning experience time for me. Like, what the fuck.

I can speculate about the spider, if it’s some part of him then of course he can’t fight it. Fighting yourself is hard as shit. Makes me wonder why I can fight it though, or why I’m even the preferred fighter here. Anytime he’s a kid or otherwise can’t fight, I’m choice one to take over. I’m not much of a fighter, and he’s got people he’s known much longer and who are stronger and better trained, but I get shoved down the hole. I’m willing to do it, obviously, because half the time I’m leaping in first, but I don’t know why dream me never questions this shit or the efficacy of it. I guess this was why it was important for me to kill my stalker in my last astral visit. More training, I guess, probably made easier by a sigil my sister made for me a little while ago. Or it could be because I’m much more vicious and willing to fight to protect others even Here, much less Over There. The other interesting thing is that Z has been in these dreams increasingly often. Astral him and Dapper get along really well (Z also gives him food and talks to him here) and lately, as crazy shit happens more Z is showing up more. Z often is the one keeping an eye on things, backing me up or protecting kid Dapper while I’m off destroying the universe. Pretty grateful for that, even though he doesn’t know he’s helping me half the time.

This also makes me wonder about a previous dream I had where a little kid who looks a lot like Dapper, but probably isn’t was trying to get into a terrorist group to overthrow the oppressive government he has a lot of privilege in. I totally knew the kid, but I also know it wouldn’t be the first time I knew a kid because I’d saved them (usually with Dapper) somewhere on a zombie infected plane. I mean, there were kids in Dapper’s soul, so WHO KNOWS.

Either way, a bunch of shit made a whole lot of sense after this dream, and then promptly stopped making sense because it opened up a shit ton of new questions, like why am I in this wolf’s soul messing around anyway? I’ve obviously been in here for quite a while, but I don’t know what I’m doing in there or how I got in there in the first place. Nor do I know how or why or when I got into that part of his soul that I set on fire. Yeah, so astral stuff, commentary and speculation welcome.

That Time I Had a Silent Hill Type Dream

This morning was a bit of a panic-filled morning as I woke up from all kinds of insanity. It started out in a house in the woods, typical horror movie start. I was part of an investigation team looking into the mysterious deaths of several tourists. Exploring the house, possessing and following the paths and events of the ghosts and spirit forms of the victims. It was difficult to figure it out, because each room had a ghost and event, and their paths overlapped in several places. It was video game-like quite frankly, with requirements that I approach a particular point the correct way and direction to reveal a scene, and several times I had to take wolf shape to get anything done. I visited several nearby places, including an office building, to find clues and talk to people. The office building was full of people working, despite the time of night, and they all told me about their shitty boss, who I met. I was suspicious of him, but I didn’t have anything to base it off of. After traipsing around, following the deaths and paths of the spirits and gathering information on the person-monster who killed them, I went down into a basement where the task force I was assigned to was meeting. Z and my sister were there, and a third person who I can’t identify. There are a few people it could be, but I’m just not sure. It’s most likely Dapper.

One of the places I was visited was kind of like a school, but it was full of gangsters and criminals doing criminal things, like prostitution and whatnot. They let us sort of look around, but not much. We figured they had something to do with the murders and were harboring the person who controlled the monster. There was also an amusement park involved, and a cross between a ferris wheel and rollercoaster. The colors yellow, green, red and orange were important too. Like, super important, to the point they were indicators that clues, monsters and violence were nearby. They were also attached to us, symbols of us and our power or something.

We figure out the final death and go through the amusement park to the school where the gangsters are hiding. Did I mention the school is attached to the office building somehow? Anyway, we know that our culprit is being protected and we fight our way in, with me even managing to successfully shoot two people with a gun. I guess I’m saving my magic. We kill some more gangbusters and they just let us through, not wanting to lose more people or chase away too much business. The other cops start clearing out and searching the school, while my group goes to the office building to find the master person-monster and the sneaky, suspicious boss who turned out to be helping the monster.

The officeworkers seemed out of the loop, ignoring us storming through and searching for their boss. Except one, he was a burly guy and was hiding and protecting the cowardly boss. He warns us to back off and not to hurt him, while my sister keeps her gun trained on the burly guy, I go around the bar to see where he’s hiding and shoot him. The burly guy grabs me, and I try to fight him, but he’s huge and my magic isn’t doing much. He throws me through a nearby door, and I fly past a flight of steps and onto a landing. My magic and getting caught by Dapper kept me from getting hurt. My sister came down, shielding me with her magic in case the big dude kept attacking us. Z came from wherever he had been. Probably subduing somebody. He had seen me get chucked and flipped shit. However, that burly guy turned out to be the head person-monster we were looking for. He gripped Z up, binding his magic and threw him too. My sis tried to catch him, but he hit his head and I flipped out. He was only unconscious for a minute, for a second mistaking my sister for me, but I quickly corrected that because rightfully emotional and freaking out.

There’s a shit ton of magic whirling around, what with four mages freaking out, one of whom is injured. The colors are important during this whole scene, with red belonging to me, green belonging to Z, orange belonging to my sister and yellow to Dapper. There were animals associated with this too. I know a badger was with the yellow, but I’m not sure what my sister’s and Z’s was, and of course mine was a wolf. They protected us and helped us escape, and I’m fairly certain Dapper stayed behind to fight the guy. Eventually we all flee and end up on the ferris wheel-rollercoaster to get away from the enemies and take a moment to heal. Z was still a little out of it but he was ok, and I was freaking out less. There was more that happened afterward that involved blankets and sewing magic into them, but I couldn’t really tell you what was going on except I was trying to make sure everyone stayed safe while the task force and Dapper took care of the other baddies. It was chaotic to say the least.

It’s Been A While, So Let’s Talk Dreams

I’ve been away for a while. The combination of school and daily life cuts into writing big time. And personally I just felt like I didn’t have much interesting to say. What would I talk about? School is going really well. I have a project to work on for Psych class, and I am really having way too much fun with Anatomy class. We did dissections a few weeks ago, and I’ve always been morbidly fascinated with the body. As a little kid I watched medical shows that showed surgeries and diseases in their uncensored grossness. Even when I scrunch up my nose and are gagging I’m still having fun. Yes, I am thoroughly weird. Another side is that Zolfyer and I are looking for a new apartment to move into by the end of December. We like our apartment, but our landlord is not reliable. Our mailbox lock has been broken for three weeks, meaning we haven’t been able to get our mail out of it, and they haven’t come to fix it despite us calling them twice to ask. The thermostat that controls the heat for the entire building is in our bedroom, meaning we have to be cold at night so as not to cut everyone’s heat off. We can’t have a heater, and the thermostat was supposed to have been moved months ago. We’ve asked for it to be moved several times, it’s still there. So, we’re trying to move.

On a happy note, Zolfyer finally got out of his shit job that was making him sick with stress and got a graphic design job. He is loving it and has regained a couple pounds already, and he’s only been there a month. Currently he’s on his way to getting sick. Something is irritating his throat and making him cough, but his sinuses aren’t really acting up and he doesn’t have a fever. On top of that his stomach has been upset. I’ve given him tea and it’s helping, so we’re gonna hope he doesn’t get full blown sick. No lower respiratory tract infections, those are gross. Not to mention, he’s one of those people who doesn’t get sick very much, but when he does, it’s hardcore. And I always get sick from guys.

As far as my spiritual life goes. It’s both more and less complicated. I’ve found that I’ve moved away from the god-centric path that I originally tried to have. I still honor Anpu, give him praise and offerings and prayers, but I haven’t been to shrine in a couple months. And ya know, He’s been really chill about it. Something tells me He saw this coming, but He has made it clear that He will still be a safe base for me. Which I’m glad about, because somebody shoved me down the damn rabbit hole and I have no idea what I’m doing.

I still have the occasional zombie dreams. Sometimes they make sense, sometimes they don’t. Recently though, and more frighteningly, I’ve dealt with astral dreams that are way over my head. A few weeks ago to a month ago, I had dreams dealing with mafia bosses and monsters. Now, I know that sounds cartoonish, and it was a little, but I know these aren’t dreams of imagination. I’ve noticed recently that I’ve been “gone out” into the astral with Dapper more, as opposed to hanging around Anpu’s temple. This leads to me interacting with more people, which I’m ok with, but I can’t keep track. Mostly I’ve been dealing with assigned babysitters.

A few days ago I was out with a group of these guards and we ran into what essentially can be described as a kaijuu or mini Eldritch abomination. Lots of tentacles, lots of wanton destruction and sharp teeth. Somehow me and these three wolves (they’re like Dapper, with human-y forms) ended up fighting this bastard. I’m not really helpful in a fight, so I was handling strategy and healing. At one point I’m in an office building watching over the fight. Thankfully the government isn’t completely inept and most civilians are away from the danger, but some are still escaping, and there’s always the national guard/local soldiers to look out for. I notice something creeping up behind me and it’s a spirit of some sort. I choose to call it a demon because it had a very creepy, dangerous energy to it. I was wary of it, but it just talked, about the fight mostly. I’m fairly certain it asked about me, but I don’t remember the dialogue as much. I do know our conversation ended when said monster did a typical monster thing and blarghed an energy beam everywhere. I had to run and dive to avoid getting killed and crushed by debris as it hit the building I was in. Last thing I saw was the demon before one of the wolves came in and rescued me.

The dream cuts over to the wolves and I gathering in a parking garage where some government officials were plotting how to escape. There are still civilians in the city, so we weren’t that keen on helping them, but I fielded questions about the monster and tried to help the conversation for getting more citizens out. Of course the beastie should show up and start fighting with the wolves. The wolves ask me to take down the wards constraining their magic. Why I’m in charge of that, I don’t know, but I do and they go ham on the tentacled bastard. Next I leave the building. I don’t know why I left the building, I really don’t, but I went through the other side of the parking garage to find a school playground. With kids still in it, apparently oblivious to the kaijuu rampaging not more than ten yards away. And a strange woman came out and grabbed me. Dream cuts over to the wolves, and their increasingly successful fight. I’ll make it short and tell you they won. They didn’t kill it, but it’s too weak to keep rampaging, and the officials take the opportunity to bolt, and nearly get got as they drive past the injured beastie.

It then jumps back to me, feeling half drugged and confused in a cluttered apartment. Whoever is with me, the woman who grabbed me from the school, is also the same demon from the office building. And she’s being a creeper, petting me and running her fingers through my hair and giving me chores to do. I go with it because I’m not fully there, my thoughts are all kinds of scrambled. At one point she tells me to clean the sink, and it’s a major pain in the ass. Besides it being full of mushy food, the big spoon she gave me has this dumb ass hole in it. Strangely, there were also coins of all kinds in there too. All shapes and sizes, different currencies, some of them old. I actually collect coins in real life, so these mysterious coins piqued my interest, and I was trying to separate them to keep them, but some of the little ones were at risk of falling down the drain. At a certain point this woman stopped me and pulls me over to the bed. She starts combing my hair (which is longer Over There than it is Here, like, way longer, especially since I cut it Here) and telling me how sweet I am and how pretty my hair is. So pretty she’s gonna turn it into a scarf. Which she does, pulling it tightly and hard before cutting it off. I’ve been getting increasingly pissed off this whole time, and trying to shake off whatever magic she’s got on me.

She makes a creepy comment implying that she did unsavory things to me and that she intends to do more. That got me awake and pissed enough to control my magic and blow off the spell. I grabbed her by the throat when she turned around and started to choke her. She made some strangled comment about loving me or something and I grabbed the scarf she had made magically out of my hair and proceeded to strangle her with it. She changed her form so I couldn’t kill her, first so the scarf slipped down to her shoulders, then she grabbed an object, a framed degree or something, to keep between her and the scarf. Then she turned her head and neck into a book. In that form she couldn’t move, so I took the opportunity and bolted.

Cue creepy escape, complete with abandoned building and demon voice following me as I tried to escape. I had tried running down the stairs, but I felt my legs getting weak and her magic chasing me. I wasn’t sure if I could get away before she could come after me, but I remembered my magic, now uncapped since it had to be to let the wolves loose. I figured since I didn’t want her chasing me, I went back and attacked her. She was still recovering from her transformation and I set her and her apartment on fire. It wasnt normal fire, more like the move amaterasu from Naruto. She screamed at me for being cruel when she loved me and I got out of there. The playground was mostly empty now, and I got found by my wolfies and we got out of there.

I didn’t think more of it until last night, when I had a freakish dream about Dapper getting attacked and flipping shit. Like, losing his fucking mind. It was terrifying because he has never, ever, freaked the fuck out. Not like this, it was more than just being terrified. I couldn’t even be sure if I was entirely there. I felt incredibly dissociated, and I couldn’t help as much as I wanted. I’m fairly certain I took him to a hospital, where he was able to call one of his contacts. I woke up shortly after that.

I’ve been rather freaked out about that since.

More and Stranger Still

I’ve never had recurring dream themes before, but zombie apocalypse seems to have become one. After arguing with my brain about sleep I finally passed out and dreamt, again, of zombies. But, as per usual, I can’t have a straightforward, simple dream about anything, much less this. First oddity, it was clearly winter in this dream, second oddity, cats everywhere, third oddity, an illusionist with an asylum. I’ll get to that.

The dream began with familiar faces in a subway. Obviously the trains weren’t working, but it was snowing or raining and we were trying to avoid as many zombies as we could. Eventually though we ran into a horde and were forced above ground. We ended up getting split up trying to escape the massive aboveground horde. I couldn’t tell you why there were so many of those bastards there. I ended up with one friend and two or three random ass people who were probably responsible for getting that many zombies in one place. This particular city was amazingly full of live people for being so horribly infested with the undead.

We escaped into a large building reminiscent of a catholic school connected to a large church. It was fairly large and complex inside. Myself, my friend, and one of the randoms ended up down one hallway and found some stairs and a set of double doors that led to a cafeteria. The doors made us uneasy despite seeing schoolchildren inside, but our real attention was drawn to the stairs because we could hear singing. We carefully went up the stairs to find a man observing the kids and singing with a record player. He welcomed us and told us about this place and that those kids weren’t real. When we looked through his observing window we saw nuns caring for women who were clearly psychotic. Some were catatonic, others were wandering, but all of them were essentially unaware of themselves and their surroundings. I don’t know why he told us all this.

The place was his and he cared for the women. He enjoyed trapping people and tricking them with his illusions. Although the children were a fantasy he “cared” for them too. Like they were ghosts after a fashion. It was weird. He sent us on our way, but going down the steps proved to be a bit of a trap. We went through the double doors, seeing the children first and then the real scene of the women. The thing about this illusion is that you’re almost transported into it, so you don’t see and can’t hit the women and they can’t do either to you. It’s hard to describe, but I think I’ve made my point.

We went through the cafeteria and found more steps. They went both down and up, because screw physics. Going down the hallway at the top brought us to a bedroom. A woman was inside, and although she was unhappy she let us in. In her room was a door that led downstairs to a living room, where we found a zombie and an enemy. This part of the dream is fuzzy. I don’t remember much about the enemy or the fight, but we ended up saved by three cats and locked him, half dead, with the zombie whose legs we ended up cutting off. We managed to make it out of there and meet back up with the team.

They had somehow gotten hold of an oil truck and knocked it over. We actually blew the zombies up. Unfortunately a few humans we didn’t see got caught up in it, but it was effective. Weirdly enough the military came out of nowhere with tanks and lines of infantry. They covered us in a very skilled tactical maneuver and we escaped. We ended up seeing them on the next block as we skirted a small number of zombies feasting on corpses and I watched them slaughter the zombies quietly. It was rather cartoonish as they managed to sneak up quietly with fucking tanks. Then they got their attention and all the zombies popped up at once, like a group of dogs, and turned to them and got shot. In a confusing twist the tanks and rear guard started shooting the front line, instructing them to set their timers to 7. The reason is that every soldier, including the higher ups in the tank, were fitted with explosives in their uniforms and everyone got shot if they were withing three feet of a zombie or dead body. It was gruesome.

We and the remaining soldiers moved on to the next block, coincidentally the one with the school-church. Weirdly the block was now totally quiet, body and zombie free and instead full of people. Like, real yet unsettlingly unreal people. It was creepy seeing all those silent people walking to the church. There were even kids. Some sort of ceremony was going to start soon and the schedule for the people, that is the rules of being in the community (i.e. if you don’t work you don’t eat) was about to change to the next shift. I ended up back in the hallway with the cafeteria and saw both the fake kids and the real women, and realized that, like the kids, the entire community was a half-real illusion. I could hear the creeper upstairs singing.

My group wasn’t fooled, and in fact found it quite upsetting having this half illusion in their heads. Unfortunately the soldiers weren’t so lucky and only saw the kids and people. They went into the cafeteria happily, glad at their good fortune to be able to relax. I’m fairly certain they were all slaughtered by the illusionist. My group escaped into the bedroom, and there was a little girl there who had fled from outside. Although technically part of the illusion she had enough substance and will to escape with us. Of course, we found ourselves caught between the zombie and enemy downstairs and the massacre of the cafeteria.

I searched the room for weapons since i was either out of bullets or about to be. I found some long scissors and knitting needles (have you seen some of the bigger ones? You could stake a vampire with those bad boys). I took the scissors apart and gave the now separated blades to the little girl. We opened the door slowly and I could see the zombie hiding at the bottom. It was rather clever, but I could see that bastard’s hair. The cats were there, a reassurance, but we still couldn’t go down blindly. The zombie eventually got enough gusto to attack but I managed to slay him with a strike to the eye.

The woman from before appeared, but of course that’s when I woke up.

More Lunacy from Dreamland

This dream started off in a completely black room. It was totally dark. The only thing in it was a desk with about fifteen to twenty computer monitors on it. A man was there and asked me to come look at the screens. I was suspicious, especially since they all were covered in static. The brand wasn’t anything I recognized, all I knew was they were super thin and high tech. I don’t remember what i was shown on the screens.

The next part was me following someone. I was with a small group, three people and a little girl, the daughter of one of the men. I knew him, a man who is a wolf. I worry now that I’m awake that it was truly my wolf spirit Dapper. The reason why is because we were traveling through a forest looking for a place to rest. Wherever we were was in civil war and we were mercenaries. However, none of us wanted to be involved in this nonsense. For those who may not know, Dapper is a very experienced soldier, but why his youngest daughter would be with us is confusing. I’m hoping this part was just a dream and not real, because she was kidnapped. We left her in a hiding place while we went to find food and shelter, when we came back there was a man waiting for us and he told us he was from the extremists who began the war. His organization was holding the little one hostage for our cooperation and skills.

I don’t know where our other two companions were, but I know they cooperated because they cared about the little girl too. They sent us to different places. I remember us talking to someone near a lake. It was a beautiful place, we stood on a stone bridge with sakura trees and weeping willows reaching their beautiful branches and blossoms over us and the water. We spoke with a woman, though I don’t quite remember what about. It was about the war and being forced into the assassin’s role, about the fairness of having his daughter kidnapped. Dapper spoke bitterly and someone passed by us. I don’t know who it was, but the person said something cruel to him about the situation, I believe he was with the woman. Dapper threatened to kill them all, the whole organization. The man spoke nastily again and Dapper drowned him. Beat the man and flung him into the water and held him down. The woman wasn’t afraid, she wanted that man dead and gave us our next assignment.

I remember sneaking around the city as a wolf. I found his daughter. She was being kept in a steel box because she was violent and inherited her father’s strength and magic. She recognized me but said nothing. The men were lower rank and figured I was just a large dog. They even fed me and let her pet me, keeping me around because she was behaving. Eventually I had to leave because I saw the man who had told us of the kidnapping. He recognized me and I ran back to Dapper. The next place we had to go was a theater, a show. We met several of the head honchos of the organization there, including the man who had told us of our extortion. They had the little girl in the box there as a reminder for us to behave and do their bidding. Dapper cried after assassinating several people. He was upset that he couldn’t rescue his daughter.

This is why I’m hoping that wasn’t real. Dapper made me leave. I don’t know what happened next. He sent me somewhere else. I don’t really know how or why, but I ended up outside an FBI building. A woman came out and asked who I was. I told her what was going on and she took me upstairs. She and her superiors asked me all sorts of questions, including questions about the computer screens in the black room. I explained what I could remember to her, including what the screens looked like. She said it sounded a lot like the screens had been stolen from their building. They were after the organization and wanted to help get the little girl back. Once I had answered all I could I left.

Zolfyer came and got me. I don’t know how he knew where I was, but he didn’t ask questions. I had something important to do. I had been hired as a photographer for a businessman who was sponsoring some sort of event. The hotel was nice and he gave us room and board. This hotel I’ve been in only once before, and it does not follow the laws of physics at all. Parks inside, daylight in some parts but night in others. The rooms lead “outside” or to malls, even on the fifth floor. The elevators are numerous and some can come out of their cubbies and get on a rollercoaster track and transform into seats or open boxes like a ferris wheel. Some of them only go to odd numbered floors or can switch what floors they’re going to. It’s total insanity in this tesseract hotel.

For some reason, my mother and three of my cousins were there. We got there and I did the photography, though I don’t recall any of it. The businessman invited us to stay in the hotel for a few days and take part in the other, smaller events he had planned, and if I took pictures I’d get paid accordingly. We thought it a fabulous deal and went to get my twin and my BGF too. There were some other people there already who I both know and don’t know IRL. In the meantime when we came back we were informed that we had been given a bigger suite.

While the others started moving all the stuff to the larger suite I explored the hotel. I ended up in a hallway that was completely white. There were two doors on the walls, and one at the end of the hallway. Above the door to my left was an observation window. In front of me were two women. They greeted me warmly and looked a little sad and tired. I don’t know how I knew they were goddesses, and I can identify one positively as Serket but I can’t positively ID the other one. Neither of them looked like Netjeru as one might expect them to look from historical depictions. I really like anime so my brain tends to render any spirit I meet into a sort of anime-ish form.

I asked them where Aset was. They seemed to think for a moment, but the door on the right opened and I saw Her. She smiled at me, love and pain on her face, and walked through the other door. I could see there were stairs behind it. A voice over the intercom caught my attention and I looked up to see two more women in the observation window. I don’t know who the second one was, but the first was Kali. She was marveling at herself in her anime-ish form and told me she appreciated how my mind had rendered her. She felt pretty, she felt…Serket finished the sentence: young? Yes, young. I was so confused, they sent me on my way, telling me that I’d be alright and things would become clear.

Through the door at the end of the hall was the hotel again. The hotel hall led me through an area patterned after Arabic and Indian architecture and design, including to a huge indoor pool, not more than 3 or 4 feet deep, with benches and such around it that led to the courtyard-like halls. A giant skylight lit the pool with sun, the rest of the room and halls lit by lights. Turning down one hall led me through a temple-like structure and then I came across a huge gathering of Jewish people in a great foyer having a combination party and education event. The new suite was on the other side of them.

Everyone was in the suite and cooking. Zolfyer was really taking charge of the kitchen, directing people on what to make and what to do and washing dishes and food came out of the oven and onto serving platters. My mom, sister and one cousin were baking, which isn’t surprising, while the other cousins, two of the random people and BGF were peeling potatoes and doing other things to help the cooking process while chatting. The businessman came in, happy to see the food and even helping to cook himself, as well as stepping, well, through the wall to his venue. I chatted a bit with everyone, including getting into a very strange conversation with one of the random people, my sister and cousin about licking melted icing off of the wall and doing the same with melted cotton candy. We have never done this, ever, but we said we did in the dream.

I then went to sit at the table with BGF and he was talking about religious things. We talk about spirits and the supernatural all the time because he has very strong spirit senses, way better than mine. I mentioned some of the weird things that had been going on, but the two randoms interrupted and talked about silly stuff and food. I started to feel very disconnected and floaty, like I was gonna drift off back into that hallway with the goddesses. BGF kept trying to get my attention to keep me there because he was worried I’d get swept off somewhere unsafe. Not to mention my mind needed to be there to work. Basically, can’t let my mind leave my body and go floating off places.

At one point I saw a skeleton-like spirit in front of me. Now that I’m going through this dream thoroughly I realize it was the same asshole who kidnapped the little girl. He told me that I needed to join him, I told him to fuck off. He said that i would be great with them and that he was gonna try and recruit my friend too, because they “needed another shapeshifter (referring to me) and another shadow mover (referring to BGF). He walked off saying he was going to try and snag my friend and email his bosses.

BGF eventually got up, tired of yelling over people at me, and touched my shoulder, startling me back to my body. He told me I needed to be here and not wandering and took me outside. Back through the Jews still having what looked like an awesome bar mitzvah or wedding reception and through the pool area and through a door that led to a nighttime parking lot. Never mind that we’re on the fourth floor and it’s daytime inside the pool area and mall and rest of the hotel. BGF talked with me for a bit about the hotel, the photography gig, and wtf was going on with the spirits of this place and why I was so ungrounded. I felt sleepy and actually laid down on the ground. I felt sharp pricks on my arms and yelled at him, wondering what he was doing. He had two ultra thin, golden needles with threads of energy in them. He was binding my spirit to my body, first by poking the shit out of me with those needles and then wrapping the threads around my limbs and torso individually and then all together.

When he was done we went back inside. I certainly felt stuck to myself, but not in a good way. I was cranky, in fact. We went back to the room (and through the pool and partying Jews) and the businessman was there. He invited me through the wall to his venue, which was still being set up.

The venue was nice, it was in a mall and spacious, with clothing racks nearby and plenty of display areas. Food was being set out and stands were being set up. Some were to sell things while others were for schools and still others were employers looking to hire. The mall led/turned into a park where framed photographs, all of them supposedly mine (some were actual photos I’ve taken but most weren’t) were set up along the path for people to view. I walked up and down the path, looking at the photos on both sides and talking with Zolfyer about this photography gig.

When we got back to the businessman he complimented us on the food and on the pictures along the walkway. He asked if I’d be willing to take pictures of the food and this event, for more money of course. He also complimented me on this random ass, yet awesome as shit, picture of a hoagie. I told him the truth, Z had taken that. I didn’t really answer him about the event but walked with him and Z to a round kiosk with clothes around it on racks and my mother nearby. Z said he’d help and we’d be willing to do the shoot, and the businessman complimented my mom, especially on the photo of her along the park path. He asked if I had taken it and, after confirming which one it was I told him yes.

Z then asked me for a favor, right as my mom asked me to go to the 2nd floor and pick up an item from someone. Now, I have no idea why I didn’t walk around like a normal person and do Z’s favor first, since he was closest and his favor was really small, but I didn’t and ended up heading towards an elevator to do my mom’s favor first.

When I got on the elevator I collapsed, the room spinning mercilessly. I could barely sit up even partially, I was so dizzy and weak. On top of that, the elevator was moving of its on accord and only had buttons 1, 3, 5 and S, but I was on floor 4 and needed to get to 2. It went all the way down to S and the buttons morphed to even numbers. I was terrified because the doors said ICE MAKING STORAGE, but when they opened it was the lobby (though the wall behind me opened up into a freezer but closed when other people got on). People got on, none of them helping me, but they did ask what floor I needed. The elevator then came out of its cubby into the lobby and started rolling down the hall, only without its top half. A man came to direct it and yelled to someone that they needed a cart for floor 2, the person was standing next to rollercoaster tracks and pulled a cart out. I dropped my purse out of fear and told the operator, he promised he’d get it to my room and pushed the elevator onto the cart and down the rollercoaster we went. It was scary, but I ended up at the 2nd floor.

I got whatever it was my mother had wanted and went back upstairs, through the pool area and the Jews and gave it to her. I was disappointed that Z no longer wanted his favor done (I’m weird, so don’t ask what it was) and then I woke up from my alarm.

The Reboot

Anpu grabbed my hand and led me away. I knew the way it would start this time would be different than how it started before, but I asked anyway.

“We’re not going to the black room again are we?”

“No, you’re pretty much all here.”

I thought about what had happened before. My ka, my ba, my ren were all back. My shut wasn’t but “shadow work” so it was around here somewhere. What was missing?

“What about my shadow?”

Anpu chuckled. “What were you just thinking?”

“And my ib?”

He didn’t quite answer me. He didn’t exactly say where it was, but he did say he essentially had it, except for a shard which Z has. Instantly I thought of the box with Z’s shard in it. It appeared in my hands, perfectly safe and firmly locked and sealed with magic. I waved it away to wherever it had been hiding.

“Smart girl.” Anpu said cheerfully, pleased that I had opted to hide it than carry it.

He led me into a hallway and then into a room filled with water. The floor of the room was three feet below the doorway, creating a pool of glowing water. Anpu waltzed into it as if it were nothing. Truly the Jackal was cheesy, stealing ideas from other gods, but he knew me well enough that I was more likely to try something I had seen others do than something new. Hence the creation of the black room and now this pool of water.

Of course, there were other reasons for the water, reasons that were uniquely mine. I stared at the water, worried. For one thing, it was cold. It wasn’t frosty or slushy but I could just tell that it was freezing. Anpu had told me earlier that he wanted to teach me strength and bravery first and compassion and empathy second. Passion and drive, the mars to match Pluto. He wanted Sekhmet to teach me, but he was considering Serket instead. I still didn’t know why.

“Come on then.” Anpu coaxed, holding out his arms like a father to a small child. I could almost hear him coaxing me in other ways

Water is your friend. You have a connection with it. You always have. It is soothing to you, healing.

They weren’t lies. However, all I could think of was drowning. I’ve had a fear of drowning for a long time. Some people who have tried to teach me to swim scared me by accident. The cold water often shocks my asthma and I can’t hold my breath very long when in water, and I greatly dislike being splashed or having my face covered with water. I also have sensitive ears, so water in them is painful and disorients me. This all adds up to panicking, which isn’t very useful for trying to swim. My endurance is also low, so I can’t get the hang of it.

Anpu could see my terror on my face. I had told him before I was afraid of drowning, of suffocating in any fashion.

“Do you really think i’d drown you?”

“I don’t know.”

“I swear that I won’t let you drown, and if you do it won’t be because of me.”

I took one step forward, and then turn around and ran. The hallway looped right back to the room.

“Come on now, you didn’t think this would be over that easily did you?” Anpu shouted from the room.

“I’m patient but I won’t wait forever.”

I stood in the hallway, annoyed at the bright blue light of the doorway and took some deep breaths. I called to Dapper, who appeared behind me, amused.

“Yes?”

“I’m scared.”

“I know.”

“Come with me?”

He grabbed my shoulders and marched me back to the room. Anpu was waiting patiently.

“Come on then.”

I backed away, but Dapper held me and gently walked me forward. I dipped a toe in. It was cold, as I expected.

“It’s what you’re expecting. Come on, it isn’t even deep.” Anpu said, losing some patience.

Dapper pushed me more, forcing me down the steps into the water, it was freezing and froze under my feet. I was walking on ice. Anpu rubbed his face, exasperated that I was so desperate to stay out of the water. He grabbed my arms, waiting for me to relax. The ice broke apart and I sank slowly into the water. It wasn’t icy anymore, but it was still chilly. It occurred to me that I was in a dress, but it didn’t float up, it absorbed water and clung to me.

I turned around, Dapper sat on the threshold, curled up so as not to get wet. He smiled at me and I turned back to Anpu. Anpu helped me to float on my back.

“I can’t do this in real life you know.” I said, staring at him.

“No?”

“I get scared.”

“Right, fear of drowning, which is really being afraid of suffocating.”

“Mhmm.”

“For someone so afraid of suffocating you don’t take care of your asthma very well.”

“Well, that’s because I’m used to my asthma. I’m used to it not being a big deal, to being able to fix it, to have easy and fast access to medical intervention.”

“Why does your fear prevent you from floating?”

“I don’t like feeling water on the sides of my face. It’s like it’ll come up and cover me. If I sink I’ll drown. And my ears are sensitive, I feel like they hurt more than other people’s when they get water in them.”

Anpu nodded. “Maybe this irrational fear is rooted in a past life.”

“Who knows.”

Later that night I would dream of being drowned in a barrel while a baby, my baby, cried and was stolen from me. It was scary.

An Update

So school has started again. Class was OK today, it was hot in there, which was the main reason it wasn’t better. I’m particularly sensitive to the heat, and I despise being hot. It screws with everything and just makes me feel ill. On a positive note we were doing the microscopes and tissues labs so I got to look at cool things like cells in mitosis.

I’m trying not to be freaked out over school. It isn’t more work than before, but now I feel more fragile than I’m used to. I’ve always been sensitive, but now I feel like I’ve completely fallen apart. I had a dream a couple of nights ago. I was in one of my rooms, it could have just as easily been the bedroom and probably was, and I was standing. Z was near me, walking around and talking to me. He might have been cleaning (he does that) and was wondering if I was OK or needed help. I told him no and started drawing up energy. Now, usually, drawing up energy is a disturbing thing. I don’t mean unnerving, it merely disturbs my equilibrium because it’s strong, foreign energy. My energy tends to be low key and fluid, like a bathtub. When it’s high or gets stirred up then it’s more like a small river. I rarely get superbly upset or enraged, so I couldn’t give an accurate metaphor. Perhaps a short storm, a lot of noise and water and wind that peters out quickly and ends with either sunshine or overcast. I sense my own energy as muted, either blue or green (I sense most peoples’ energy in these colors unless there are emotions involved).

When I do magic or energy exercises I usually gather energy from the earth (except for recently where I’ve been using heka), and it is very strong and dense. Since I still have issues grounding, it can leave me overstimulated for days. So, this dream having me do just that was weird. Normally I wouldn’t do such an exercise if I’m feeling unbalanced. However, in the dream the energy was extremely muted and warm. It wasn’t overwhelming, nor was it fluid, electrifying, sparkling (like pop rocks), or speedy. It was more like syrup or honey, a dark forest green and enveloping as opposed to expansive. As I pulled this energy from the earth I made sure to spread it out so it touched every fiber of my being. It was then I realized I was shattered. Like a mosaic, the energy was becoming the frame and scaffolding to hold the pieces together. I’ve never had such a dream before. I’ve never seen myself hurt or shattered or broken. If I’m healing, usually it’s someone else who is hurt.

Quite frankly, I feel the dream is very accurate. I dropped myself off a cliff and broke apart. I was already fragile and unstable; I make jokes about being delicate all the time, but I never really took it too literally. I don’t think anyone has. I made a joke when I got out of the hospital that my brain can’t even do abnormality right. With conversion disorders, typically the patient isn’t really aware of their internal psychological suffering. Sure, they know they’re stressed, but instead of being plainly overwhelmed, they get physical symptoms instead. I’m plainly overwhelmed and getting physical symptoms, so, even doing conversion disorders wrong.

On top of that, school is still going and one class is getting blocked. Apparently I need both of my anatomy classes to take it (the class in question being microbio). The problem is that I’m still in anatomy 1 and can’t take 2 until summer. I can’t register for micro bio in fall because it needs both. I can’t take micro bio by itself because I can’t afford to pay out of pocket for it and financial aid needs at least part time status, ie two classes. The solution is either wait until the end of summer semester and pray that there’s still a seat left, or get special permission from the dean to register. I still have things to handle with the office of disability and of course the classes I currently have.

Then I found out I owe a lot of money on my taxes this year and I’m just trying to focus on not falling apart again. While I wait for doctor’s appointments and try to coordinate my healthcare. Did I mention my mom has to fight with the insurance company because they denied coverage for my hospital stay? See, this is why I need to move to Sweden or Japan. Or Germany. Right now I’m reminding myself that other people, capable people, are handling some of these problems. I’m reminding myself to breathe, breathe because for asthmatics breath is a hard thing to come by and stress worsens asthma. Breathe because I cannot fall apart again. Not like I did, not worse. Breathe because I am anchored, somehow, in the earth.

In the dream Z was right there. He stood next to me and watched patiently as I slowly and painstakingly anchored myself together and to the earth with magic. I am certain he lent his own energy, he was holding me up at some point. He does this very palpably in real life as well. Without him I’d be a horrible mess. I have at least some internal stability because of his support, patience and his providing external stability. He reminds me that I shouldn’t worry about things I can’t control, and that he and others are here to help and take care of things too. The entire week of spring break I slept horribly. Only two days did I get enough sleep, and sleep at night. The other days I would only sleep between 2-4 hours. If I got a nap it was way too long because I was getting the other 4-6 I missed and it was very restless. He slept on the couch with me for three days when I couldn’t sleep and got up when I couldn’t sleep in bed until I could. Actually, I probably wouldn’t have slept at all those three nights on the couch if he weren’t there.

Nonetheless, at this point we could use some more blessings. Lots of them actually. And I need a new brain or something, because I’m tired of feeling sick and broken and depressed. Too bad you can’t update your mind so easily.