Decisions and Health Update

My health isn’t significantly worse than the last time I wrote on here (knock on wood). Mostly just more persistent, pronounced weakness, that apparently greatly dislikes stress because it often gets worse when I’m anxious and running around. More muscular pain and joint pain as well, and the numbness and paresthesia are now in all four limbs, though it doesn’t affect my arms and hands as much.

 

My neurologist still doesn’t know what’s going on, she did another MRI of my brain, and did one of my cervical spine, zilch. Now I’m trying physical therapy and trying to get in to see a rheumatologist. Physical therapy assessment posits me as having hyperreflexia, balance problems and a couple other things. It’s nice to have objective proof that something is wrong and I’m not just crazy.

 

The last month I’ve been struggling with some decisions though. I very much want to go back to school, but I’m not certain about it. I can’t do another round of health breakdown, fail/drop out. I would be crushed to face that disappointment, waste of time, energy and money, again. I really want to be a nurse, but I’m no longer confident that I could finish a program. I was thinking of doing an LPN program, they’re typically a year, but even then. I’m not even sure there’s one that I could do evenings. The ones closest to my residence are day time, and I work a full time job.

 

I started thinking about social work or psychology/counseling. Yes, they need a master’s degree, but I imagine that’s less intense than nursing school. I’ve also been doing research on being a nursing student with disabilities, not that it’ll matter if I can’t get a diagnosis before next fall. At least if I do social work I can start in the spring. I like mental health care and just helping people in general, but I also really enjoy clinical work, which is why I like being a medical assistant. I don’t know what to do or how to do it. I just really need a clear, indisputable, unignorable sign about which direction to take myself school wise.

 

In the meantime I have been considering how best to set up my house so I can start my practice back. With a toddler I want to be careful about smoke and low lying objects, but I also need it to be low spoons, especially since Kali is deserving of my attention and I’m sure Anpu has work for me to do. It’s hard trying to find resources on culturally correct, low spoons, low budget (cuz I’m broke and can’t afford to not eat offerings) worship of the Devi.

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Big Changes

I mentioned briefly in my last post that there’s a lot going on for me. I started work full-time as a medical assistant for a large hospital network (despite being fairly rote I am delighted with my job). Zolfyer just got hired full-time at an insurance company, which, while not being his field, makes him happy because it’s with one of his best friends. Now, for those of you in the know, this is totally the fulfillment of one side of a bargain.

In March I had a dream of Kali smirking at me. I’ve mentioned before that she’s been stalking me for years, and if you’d seen the smirk you’d have done what I did. Alright, fine, I’ll stop being a wimp, what do you want? We can do this.

She was fine with that response. She was winning. I told her, if you can get me and Zolfyer jobs, good jobs that’ll enable us to pay all our bills, including our loans, and still save, I’ll worship you. I’ll do it as properly as my poor, chronically ill self is able, in a way I can actually keep up with. I’m not doing it halfway, so we probably will have to compromise, but that’s the deal.

Well.

Here I am.

With jobs and trustworthy, cheap childcare, and it’s looking like our new home budget will be more than enough, especially if we get into this one apartment complex we’re after.

So now I’m trying to find reliable sources on the lay worship of Kali Maa, preferably with accommodation for sick folks.

And you know what? I’m delighted.

And The Road Wanders

With the blessings of Anpu I have officially started learning about Hinduism. It’s been following me around since I learned about it many years ago. There was always something about it that enticed me, and now that I’m really focusing on learning about it and its many, many parts I can clearly see why. It’s beautiful. It’s understandable. It is easy and complex in the ways I need. The way you relate to god is exactly what I’m looking for. It’s like coming home and taking your pants off and chucking your bra across the room. It’s refreshing. I can truly say I resonate with it.

This of course makes me wonder what I’m going to do in the end. Somehow I don’t think I’ll be able to go back to how I was before, but I know I cannot walk completely away from Kemeticism and that path. I also find that I resonate with that path as well, I simply have issues fleshing out the practice. Anpu and I have been talking about various needs and expectations. Mine, specifically. What I need to be a good devotee and a happy human. Which is sort of necessary for His particular needs and expectations to get met. Not that He’s expounded on them any extra than usual, but that’s the Netjer for you sometimes. They are very much like their language: here’s all the consonants you could ever want! But (insert Netjer here) what about the vowels? I don’t know if this is this word or if it’s that word! And what in your name is this word?!  LOL have fun human (chucks vowels at you).

To some degree it’s not their fault. They just have “their ways” just like we have ours. I’m queen of bratty passive-aggression and startling vehemence. Nonetheless, I know I’ll learn some valuable things just by learning about such a gorgeous religion as Hinduism. I’m sure I’ll walk away with some permanent changes and probably at least one goddess (Anpu keeps telling me to hurry up and talk to Kali because apparently she’s annoying him or something). I don’t mind that I think. Oddly enough though, it’s awkwardly hard to find specific information on any of the major sects, but info abounds on Hinduism in general and ultra-basic synopses of the sects. Makes me want to bang my head against a wall. My google-fu is lacking. In the meantime, I’ll work with what I have and look for more.

Coincidentally, Devo wrote a post a couple days ago that is far too relevant to make me not headdesk. Like, clue by four much? I suppose that’s a good thing since I’m a knucklehead anyway. Time to dive in to a new chapter of my spiritual life neh? What I would really like though, is for someone to explain these weird ass dreams to me so that I can make them stop >.> I’m rather tired of zombies and death and apparently the new thing is more breaking laws of physics buildings and trains and shit. Ugh, brain, y u no spek inglis?