2 am Tarot

So, today I was having a crisis (not technically “today” since it started around 1am). One of my friends is in dire need right now, and there’s not much more I can do to help. She’s in a suicidal state and I’m afraid I may lose her. There will be a phone call in the morning to check on her, but there’s only so much I can do now. However, this means sleep is not forthcoming. As such, I grabbed my tarot cards.

Now, it’s a replacement deck because my last Shadowscapes essentially committed seppuku. I don’t know why they didn’t like me, that deck just never gave me anything useful or nice or at least sensical. So, I bought a replacement deck. The difference lies in the details however, because my original deck I purchased online, but my replacement deck I bought at a metaphysics shop. It was surrounded by other decks, incense, books, and various items of spirituality and tended by a staff of caring people with caring owners. It’s very lovely and very friendly. I’m glad I bought it there. I decided to take cues from SatSekhem and use them to communicate with Anpu, and later Set and probably Sekhmet, as well as just for myself with no particular deity being bothered. It will be multipurpose until I can afford other decks. It doesn’t seem to mind so far.

I grabbed it with the explicit purpose of talking with Anpu. I was upset (still am) and needed to be sure that I heard Him clearly when asking Him my questions. And quite frankly I was slightly surprised and very, very happy when He responded very clearly. I asked what was the best way for me to help my friend through her crisis, and I got a realistic answer: be honest and truthful, be vigilant, be ready to draw on inner strength. I asked again and got a pretty similar answer. He wasn’t making promises in this situation, which I can appreciate.

Out of frustration, I asked if He loved me and cared about me. Then I went to shuffle and it failed. I bridge my cards, that’s how I learned to shuffle, that’s how I always shuffle. As anyone who shuffles this way knows, it doesn’t always work, the cards don’t overlap or they won’t push together and you have to pull them apart and try again or they go all over the place. Well, I fail shuffled in the former way. I also noticed I was shuffling the cards face up, and saw two cards and instinct went that’s His answer.

My question: Do you love me? Do you care?

My answer: Yes. King of Swords, Six of Cups.

King of Swords says: “like the vertical sword he holds at the ready, he is a pillar of strength and morality. A warrior king, his sword is always drawn, and he is prepared to spring into action.”

My mind and heart immediately went YES THAT’S IT. Anpu is telling me yes, that He will be like the king of swords.

Six of Cups says: “a reminder of childhood innocence, good intentions, noble impulses, simple joys and pleasures.” I am still trying to puzzle this one out honestly, but I get the feeling that Anpu is implying He’s been around for a while in my life.

I took some time to think and calm down and be comforted by the clear and direct answers I just got before repeating the first question I had. How do I help my friend? Queen of Cups, Seven of Cups and Ten of Pentacles. Still torn on how to interpret those cards.

So I chilled out some more and decided to ask a different question, for myself. “How do I improve my relationship with TB and make sure it’s happy and healthy for the very long term (specifically, until we die)?” I did this reading three times.

Ace of Swords, Knight of Swords, Six of Swords

Page of Swords, Two of Pentacles, Ace of Swords

Five of Swords, Two of Pentacles, Ace of Swords

Obviously the Ace of Swords had something to say to me! XD So, I sat it aside and asked it “what truth are you trying to reveal?” (or rather, what truth is being obstructed?). I drew the Ten of Wands, which is about overextending, being overwhelmed, doing things the hard way. Being thoroughly baffled I asked if this card was saying that this overextension and overwhelming was obstructing my long term relationship happiness. I drew the King of Cups. Ok, seems I’m on to something, since the King of Cups is about wisdom and understanding and patience. I asked how can I remove the obstacles to a healthy, happy relationship with TB and drew the Nine of Wands. Vigilence.

Temperance also jumped out during a shuffle fail while I was thinking of the question. The Two of Pentacles runs along a similar vein as Temperance, both cards are about balance and flexibility. Temperance, specifically, says: “harmony and equilibrium, balancing of opposites, healing. Moderation of extremes, self-restraint, harnessing absolute forces and reining them in to be wielded for a purpose. Holding opposites apart from one another denies their power of unity.” So yeah. It seems to be suggesting a lot, I’m still not sure how to interpret all of it, especially with the Page, Six and Five of Swords mixed in, but it seems helpful what I’ve gleaned so far.

Did another reading, this time with the question “How can I ensure a long, healthy, happy relationship with TB?” Got King of Pentacles, The Emperor, and, guess what, Ace of Swords. I asked it “what’s the obstacle in the way of the truth you’re trying to reveal?” and drew, the Wheel of Fortune. Umm, can someone tell me why I’m getting all these major arcana? O.o

King of Pentacles: “He(referring to the card) is an enterprising individual, a man possessing multifarious talents. He has the golden touch of Midas.” (TB is a lot like the King of Pentacles, but I’m not sure if I should apply this to him since I was asking what could do to make things go well.)

The Emperor: “Creating order out of chaos, authority, leadership, strength, establishing law and order. The Emperor is a man rooted in his ways and views and regimens but confidant that this is the right structure and way of things.”

Wheel of Fortune says:”Destiny–the weaving of life’s threads coming together, fate, turning points, movement and change, patterns and cycles, an interconnected world.”

I asked the Ace of Swords again “what is the truth you’re trying to reveal?” and got Ten of Pentacles.

Ten of Pentacles: “Enjoying affluence and being able to appreciate luxury and the good fortune that has befallen you. The ultimate in worldly success, the result of long-term efforts.”

Finally I asked the Ace of Swords “how is the Wheel of Fortune a hindrance to the Ten of Pentacles? How is it an obstacle?” and drew The Hermit.

The Hermit: “Being introspective, seeking solitude, withdrawing from the world and giving or receiving guidance.”

Still baffled, I asked the Ace what this meant for my relationship. The Seven of Wands fell out face up when I was shuffling and I drew the Ace of Pentacles.

Seven of Wands: “Take a stand, defend what you believe in. The world is full of strife and stiff competition and one must have the courage in facing the difficulties that come.”

Ace of Pentacles: “The possibility of prosperity, abundance and security. It is the promise of wealth and well-being, of flourishing and of reaping the rewards of hard work.”

I think, for now, I’ll hold off on the interpretations. If any of you have any ideas, feel free to have a go at it 😀 but, I see positive things in the future, so that gives me hope and some ease.

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It’s All About the Dreams

So, I’m writing this post partly for my benefit and partly because SatSekhem is very nosy and wants to know what’s going on in my head lol I’ve had some crazy dreams lately, for those of you who don’t know. They are not normal for me, even though i normally have some coocoo dreams. No, these are ones that make me think the gods are saying something to me. The first one (which is technically the second one) is still confusing me a little, because I have no idea how literal I should take it. That one is from Anpu. No idea what to do with it, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out.

Let’s see, there’s a thing about channeling in there and being insecure and needing help because of it. I don’t think that may have necessarily been about only channeling (if that’s supposed to be literal). I still don’t understand the ghost or the money thing, I’m sorry that was just too specific for me to figure it out. Why aren’t we using the money available to us to the tune of fifty thousand dollars? Maybe because it doesn’t exist? I feel like that wasn’t supposed to be as literal as it sounds, but it’s just so damn specific! And apparently it’s something that involves and is available to more than just myself. I don’t know what though, and apparently it has something to do with family? It wasn’t my friend’s literal grandmother (I’ve only met her once and the dream woman wasn’t her). I still really need help with this one.

The second dream is a little easier. I posted it on The Cauldron to ask for help unraveling it. One person offered to do a tarot reading and was stonewalled. She tried two or three decks and they all came up scrambled, except for saying that it was something for me to figure out on my own. So some people tried to help, and I got some insights. Veggie gave me an idea that is pretty close to what this dream was about. In short, there’s things in it about my insecurity and feeling “unclean” mentally and spiritually. Not being ready, not sure, can’t figure out where I’m going or how to get there. Feeling stuck in a time warp, basically I can’t go any faster and I really want to and I have a hard time fitting in to my family’s expectations. I feel like no one is moving to help me or change, I’m supposed to be on their time and their expectations, but the car is full of them, so full I can’t fit comfortably, or at all. Mom tries to move things out, but it’s not a lot of space and it’s in the back. At one point I was steering the car because she was too busy bitching about lateness. Now, I guess the thing about the “probationary job” could be related to my spirituality, but I couldn’t tell you what exactly it refers to.

Now, early and late in that dream there was a lot of magic going on. Early on I was with my BGF and TB and other people (mainly e-friends) and we’re all doing magic, trying to connect with the gods and spirits and generally having a lot of fun doing it. Like, we were having a LOT of fun. Personally I’m not a big fan of magic or mediumship or channeling. The reasoning is not that I don’t like it, but that I have a lot of fear around it. Spend your whole life being told that anything spiritual outside of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, and maybe family ghosts, was dangerous and demonic and trying to kill your soul and you get a little more than anxious about the thought of purposely connecting with them. I think that’s still a block between me and my gods. As far as magic goes, I am interested in it, but more intellectual than actually wanting to do it. Like, I do want to do it but I don’t, there’s some laziness in there lol

At the end there was the ritual connecting to the gods, but before we could get in it the thing with the tattoo and Set came up. Veggie suggested that there was a lot of symbolism about being at the crossroads and needing to make decisions. I can see where she’d get that from. There was actually a split in the road in the dream, lots of back and forth. I’m still not sure what was up with the sign on the door of the store or the people around my bags, but that’s something to consider. So, I thought about it, what crossroads could I possibly be at? Why, several things it turns out as I wrote it out in response to Veggie.

For instance, just being split about my path in general. Is it for me? Are these gods for me? Am I crazy? Am I doing it right? How can I do it better? How can I work it around my family? Is Anpu really answering me and happy or at least neutral about my following Him? What about Set? Am I just imagining things with Him? And for heaven’s sake WHAT DO I DO IF THEY’RE BOTH LIKE “HEY YOU, COME HERE!” Set is both fascinating and terrifying (so is Anpu, but at least I have other SPG saying He’s less likely to spring insanity on you to clear old shit out). Then of course there’s the worry of what do They want from me exactly? Where is this going to go? How will this affect my relationships? How will this affect my brain? And dammit why can’t anybody say things straight? Gods are so damn complicated! I also STILL feel like I’m forgetting something today and I’ve had that feeling since last night.

And ya know what? How can I get rid of some of these things in my head and heart that hold me back? How do I fix the things that hold me back from being confident and comfortable in my relationship with TB, or with the Jackal, or being brave in potentially welcoming Set full force into my life like I’m getting the feeling He’s trying to push His way into anyway, into being happy regularly, or not snapping like a set trap when someone prods the wrong way unknowingly or have less mood swings after doing something I’m conflicted about despite enjoying? How do I fix myself to have less catastrophic breakdowns or anxiety attacks or just get along better with my parents (or at least be able to respectfully tell them to STFU and stop inserting doubt in my brain)? Sigh, dammit, this is hard T-T But I think I got my problems here. I just want to get mentally and spiritually healthy ya know? Be able to enjoy myself and not constantly feel afraid that something is going to fall apart or that I’ll be abandoned or destroyed or hurt or laughed at or just wrong.

Yeah I’m in for trouble aren’t I? Might as well, leap of faith off a cliff or leap of stupidity into a pit, either way it’s better than stagnating right? Perhaps one of these gods can help me start some healing and carving out my space and time somewhere in this house of half-caring about religion. I’m just kinda nervous about the sort of havoc Set could wreak and I’m still not anywhere close to any footing in the world at all. As long as He doesn’t drive a wedge between me and TB I guess I can handle a lot? (Dear Set, see “guess”! I’m honestly not asking for world shattering, you terrify me XD). Gee, now I know what I was doing today, this XD and now I understand why I felt such strong connection to The Fool when I opened my new tarot cards when I never have before.

also a song for you all to ponder on, a song that has been in my head for four days whose meaning i’m still trying to puzzle out. Through Glass by Stone Sour.

Why people, why?

Ya know, lots of people get all up in arms when someone disrespects them, their god(s) or their beliefs and yet they do it to others. Why? Why is it ok to ridicule or be disrespectful of other’s gods? Why is it ok to tell someone their god will smite them and the other god too and that they worship demons and falsehood (ignoring the obvious bullshit in saying a demon is helping someone a better person. like really there’s no logic to that). Why is it ok to tell a serious questioner looking for info on worshiping Anpu that they should mummify a live person or find a dead body? What makes it acceptable to a person to post a question, pretending to be Anpu asking “why doesn’t anybody worship me anymore?” and what the fuck makes it reasonable and funny to post things like “because you’re boring/suck/don’t exist” as an answer? Why? What makes it logical to say that worshiping Him is ridiculous, nonsensical and pointless because He is “a death deity” as if nothing else about Him exists outside of that role and therefore He is not someone you should ask for help? Why is He so irrelevant exactly if He’s also a deity of rebirth and fertility? Why is it really so shocking that someone might want to worship Him? Why can’t He be the “right god to ask for guidance”? How can you say with such certainty that most “kids” worship Him because He looks cool? Like really… Now I know why I don’t use google and instead rely on asking questions on The Cauldron.

 

Anpu, I don’t care what those pricks say, even though it really upsets me that anyone would say such awful things. You’re totally awesome and I love you. But please, I really need your help to get to know you, because apparently I’m not gonna have an easy time doing it through earthly resources, since even scholarly works focus on your duties as a chthonic deity to the exclusion of everything else. You’re relevant to my life, help me out?

Forgotten Dream

So, I had a dream a few weeks ago that I forgot about and recently remembered because I had recorded it in a text on my phone and saw the draft. It’s a summary because I needed to get all the details down, especially the dialogue because that’s always the first to go for me when remembering (I forgot dialogue IRL so that’s not surprising).

Now, I’ll explain the dream in detail from the beginning, so you can know what I’m getting on at when I finish breaking down this dream. Who knows, I might get the answer to that last part about Set and the tattoo, which is the most important part even though everything in this dream has a place.

I was at my BGF house for the night despite having to work the next day. BGF showing up is usually a sign that either something silly is going to happen or something spirit related is going on because if I were to ever go to the astral with someone it would be him. Apparently I cockblock him in his dreams XD the theory is that the strangers wanting sex in his dreams are OTHERS and I’m cockblocking them to protect him. Anyway, I digress. Despite being at his house, I didn’t actually see him, or if I did, it’s blurry because merely knowing where I was was the important thing, not necessarily him. We were walking outside through snow, but I don’t remember much about that part, just that there was beautiful piles of shadowed blue snow and talking about things. I know I washed my hair at one point at his house.

I go home in the morning to get ready for work and I’m late. But apparently I’m simultaneously at my Pop-Pop’s house. He’s asking me about work and getting ready and my night at Ellis’ and he’s also looking for his keys, which he was holding in his hand. Now, he’s 75, so that’s not completely out of the realm of possibility, but I associate my grandparents with wisdom, structure, authority, safety, fun, and responsibility. I don’t usually dream about my grandfather, but seeing him holding his keys while looking for them strikes me as odd. Someone in power who I trust is looking for something that helps them navigate the world and doesn’t realize they’re holding it. Or maybe it’s about me, since I didn’t say anything about the keys even though I saw them.

I left and got to GM’s house, no interceding scene of travel, just leave Pop’s and I’m in the livingroom collecting things when my neighbor rings the doorbell. The snow outside is essentially gone, but he does have light snow on him and is asking about something, but I don’t really give two shits, I have things to do. It’s still chilly though, but not the sort of cold I consider miserable and aching. I go upstairs and try to find clothes for the day, I’m super late and still need to shower. I don’t think I ever got around to picking out pants. It took painfully long to find a shirt, socks and underwear and I’m not usually the sort to throw ten outfit ideas out the window. I give up and go to get in the shower. My mom calls saying she’s on her way and I’m like panicking in frustration because nothing I do is making me go faster.

I wash my hair and shower two or three times, with random scenes in between. There was one point where I was with my mother in the car, squished and uncomfortable because of all the shit in her car and Sister in there too. We stopped at a Rite-Aid like store and I left my bags in there for safekeeping. I don’t know why, I would never leave my bags in a public place (bags being my purse and my bag o crochet, which I actually don’t take anywhere) but for some reason that was ok for a short amount of time. Now I go back to the house and am showering again, washing my hair again and frustrated because I am doing everything possible and my hair won’t get clean. Random patches of dryness, greasy clumps and tangles that would induce headbanging-against-wall-in-tears syndrome. Meanwhile I know my mom is pissed. There are thoughts about how I can’t be late because I’m on probation and have to make a good impression, lateness means job loss and she didn’t want to be late either.

Finally get my hair and body clean and despite there being like forty bottles of hair products in the shower I just can’t find the one I need. I was looking for one with no silicones, or good silicones (in general silicones tend to be bad for curly hair because of how they work and their contribution to dryness and limpness. While I’m willing to use silicone containing products, I would prefer not to, because they also make hair feels greasy, itchy and dirty faster and that drives me bonkers because I hate hate hate feeling dirty or greasy or itchy). I couldn’t find any, so I went with the one containing the least amount of silicones and did my best and got dressed and left. Still never got pants, technically, but I wasn’t without pants when I went out the door.

Now, there was stuff in this dream about the potty, but I really don’t remember much about them and I think it was just highlighting the significance of the bathroom scenes . I’m back in my mom’s car and we head to the store I left my bags at. I notice a sign saying they are a “no line store and close at ten”. There are these ethnic people in the store. I don’t know who they were, I just know they were brown and not black or Indian. They could be Latino or Mexican, or Native American. They were just in a circle on blankets and pillows and the couch I had sat my bags on. One was playing a flute of some sort, made of natural material and everything was very Native American, but there was a touch of things that remind me of what I’ve seen in history about Mexican styles and such. I honestly don’t know and hesitate to pin these people down because I only saw a child’s face and three adults’ faces and they’re all blurry anyway. Quite frankly they were all in my way, I just wanted my bags.

By walking around the circle I saw kids playing and managed to grab my crochet bag, but I couldn’t grab my purse. I walked around the circle twice, trying to find a way to get my purse without disturbing the group too much, because whatever they were doing it was important and spiritual, but not something they would need to do in private (obviously, in a store). I managed to get it and checked the purse and found nothing missing, even though someone had tried to move it, presumably to take it, while I was reaching for it. I finally make it back outside, seeing that sign on the door again and a car in the middle of the street with a black dog laying in front of it. Not injured, just like it was his nap zone and the car was that of his owner, who was trying to get him back in the car.

I go to my mom’s car and she’s mad and I notice Sister in the front seat while the rest of the car is just filled with junk and garbage. Like everything is nondescript and black and gray. She, of course, is taking up the front seat because that’s just how the seat is made. My mom gets out to clean out a space for me and I’m like “why can’t we just share the seat?” Sister is like that’s a good idea, but she doesn’t move. And I’m just looking at her and eventually have to say to her “you have to move over and suck it in so I can fit.” She turns to the side awkwardly, but she doesn’t move over. My mom has now cleared out a space and I look at the space where your feet go in the front seat and Sister says “why don’t I just sit in the wheel well?” That comment is both about the space I’m looking at and the floor space my mom just cleared out in the back of the car. I’m like no that’s not gonna work, so I put a knee on the seat and foot on the frame, one hand on the roof, the other on the door, trying to figure out how I’m gonna fit in this car.

My mom starts driving. I’m a little surprised but can keep my balance. My brain goes back to the job and being late, especially since that’s what my mom starts talking about, and about how this is probationary period and I can’t mess up or be late or I’ll get fired. Meanwhile my mom is so busy talking she’s not really paying attention to the road and I’m looking at her and seeing that we’re kind of drifting when I look out the window. The road we’re on is curving to the right and I see a turn off where a ramp with a rock wall that turns further to the right and leads to what I assume was a highway. And we were drifting towards this ramp and the rock wall and I reach out and grab the wheel to pull the car further so we don’t hit the wall. I go like that for a while before my mom notices and takes the wheel back, ceasing the talking.

Now, at the start of this dream and the end, my e-quaintance veggiewolf, author of Fluid Morality, was “present” in the dream. I’ve never met her IRL, so she wasn’t “there” like anyone I know would be. Now, I know I was in a house that sort of reminds me of a relative’s house and it’s basically “the cauldron house.” Yeah, for Cauldronites. I think SatSekhem may have been there, but I know I was, TB and BGF were and some others. I remember getting emails and texts from veggie, saying something about an urgent topic. I don’t know what it was because it was ambiguous in the dream. She was saying she had something urgent to tell me. Also there was a text about numbers, saying “send whole or whole number if you’re there” (this was before I saw the sign in the store about lines and closing at ten). In this house we were doing “spooky shit” like talking to ghosts and doing tarot and scrying and praying and ritual and whatnot and just generally having fun. I bring this up because, besides being at the beginning, before the dream “started” and I was at BGF’s house, this was where I was. At the end of the escapade with the car and my family, I’m back at the cauldron house.

I don’t know what we’re doing. There are several people here and no faces are clear to me, but we’re preparing or in the middle of some sort of ritual. I think it’s a “reading” of some sort and an attempt to connect magically to something but I don’t know what. I do know, that I say a tattoo on someone’s leg, I’m assuming it’s veggie, but I don’t know. It’s black and two shades of green, sort of olive-copper oxide and a heather gray green if you will, and black. And there’s a voice, not one I know, but similar to my thought voice, but distinctly outside of me saying “It’s a nine inch cross. A spirit hurts/punishes her when it helps or hurts her. Later she would find that spirit to be Set because He craved her.”

I stared at it for a moment, wondering what the hell that could even possibly begin to mean and woke up, with the intense need to record this dream, but especially the dialogue. Now, the cross in question was not nine inches by any means, maybe four or five inches long, but not nine. And, I just don’t get that dialogue about the cross. That was the most important part.

I can figure out the rest of the dream based on my personal knowledge of the symbols. For instance, hair washing featured prominently. I washed my hair three times in this dream and couldn’t find the product I wanted to put on it after being done and had to settle. IRL I take great pride in my hair, even though it annoys me at times, and take effort to care for it. This desire to care about it has always been there, but it more recently came to the forefront of consistent thought recently, around the same time I got into paganism for real and not just for play-play. Washing my hair is very cathartic, often times it helps me feel cleaner and more relaxed and perhaps more energetic. However, the frustration of not finding the product I want to put on it after says to me that I’m missing what I want to feel complete and relaxed, because the hair care process doesn’t stop at washing (I have curly hair, it can’t stop at washing, otherwise it’ll be dry and brittle and TANGLED).

There was brief snow, something I associate with chill and cleanliness, but also something that I associate with annoyance and cold and dirt. Snow is pure and I like a nippy atmosphere, but I do not like extremes and snow is a sign of extreme. After a certain while, or if I’m just not well (in any sense of the word) then snow is a hindrance, annoyance, it hurts to be cold for me, it hurts to breathe icy air, snow says that’s all I’ll feel outside. And snow is easily dirtied. But, it was a lot of snow at first, but it disappeared and then it was just a sprinkle of snow, a light fall that would melt in mere hours. I only knew it was snowing because a neighbor had snow on him when he came to the door to knock while I was trying to get ready for work. The thing is that this was snow I didn’t mind being there, I liked it, though I was glad not to see it later in the dream. I rushed and fret a lot, especially about getting to work on time, but something tells me there’s more to this than that since I’m not on any probationary period IRL. I don’t know, there’s a lot of places this could go and there’s a lot of detail and it’s very long. I’ll think on it later.

The thing about the cross that bothers me though is, why would it be about me? Whoever was actually wearing the tattoo wasn’t someone who’s face I saw and I got the distinct feeling that it was something I should pay attention to and worry about. This dialogue is for me, it’s about my fate, but loses sense and focus when i think of the context I saw it in. On a stranger’s leg, a leg that isn’t even the same color as mine? I mean, veggie isn’t exactly a stranger, but I don’t even know her outside the internet, and it could be her as much as anyone else. Although I could and did assume it was her, there was no confirmation that it was, her name was never said at that scene and quite frankly she wasn’t in the cauldron house the first time either. I just don’t know, but does this have something to do with why I could never get past all the crap in church when I was genuinely trying to be part of it? Why no matter what nothing was good enough and my life was chaos and isfet and change and it’s only now as I search beyond what I know that I can know it? I mean, this piece implies that not only am I supposed to be Set’s, for whatever reason that may be (who cares, He’s a deity, I almost don’t wanna know not with the words crave and desire getting thrown around), but that He is or was angry and jealous that I was branded by that cross and that He didn’t like it doing anything even if it was helpful. I think I’m getting somewhere.

I don’t know, I mean, I did have a dream about penises last night O.o and disturbed images of a cat vomiting and having its head cut off. There was also a golden statue of a penis with a ring around it that reminds me of a statue of Shiva and mentions of the armed forces. Yeah that one was all over the place. I do know a particular person in it was not happy about the armed forces jawn and really wasn’t happy when a creepy kid and his buddies were playing paintball near where we were sitting and said paintballs hit him and colored his penis yellow and orange with corresponding polka dots (don’t ask why we were in public with his pants down. Something about a date and I wanted to do oral, which I enjoy IRL, so, yeah, but not in a public place.) He wasn’t happy about the color even though I thought it was funny cuz I like polka dots. Apparently I bought the penis statue for him as a gift. Then there were images and videos of two ugly guys and their vomiting cat (they were apparently the sellers i bought the statue from), who eventually showed up with her head chopped off. I was not very pleased when I got up this morning and felt rather exhausted as well. No idea what’s any of it means, if anything.

I wish I could get something straightforward for once. Or perhaps I’m just overlooking something.

Relevant post: Wicked Dream Here

Praise to Ra

Praise to He in the Heavens, the One above us all!

Praise to the Lord of Light, to Him Who Drives out the Darkness!

Is your light not the most beautiful?

Are you not the one called The Most Radiant?

Your light guides all through life

You watch each creature below.

Your power created life’s beautiful glow.

Hail to the One Above!

Your fire purifies and cleanses

the darkness is driven away before you.

How truly glorious you are, oh Creator of the Cosmos.

May your blessings rain down as your light shines brightly

May you rule in Heaven forever!

Wicked Dream

So, I took a nap of about an hour and a half. Disclaimer: All I had before the nap was several bites of brownie (normal brownie, in case anyone wants to be a jackass) and water. That’s it. I make that disclaimer because anyone who knows me knows that odd foods before sleep cause wacky dreams.

I’m in this house with TB and another friend when BGF comes over because he wants me to channel someone. Like, I’m not a medium IRL, but apparently I was training for that sort of thing in dream. The person I was channeling was a relative (he said “grandmother”) and she was trying to tell somebody what she wanted done with her money (apparently in the range of $50,000). So, TB and the other friend were sitting on their computers, like, “don’t mind us, we totally don’t mind that you two are about to contact a dead woman.” I’ve never seen such apathy XD it wasn’t bad apathy, but just they’re used to it.

Anyway, BGF and I sit down to do the channeling and he calls his “grandmother” and my body feels on fire. He asked one question to try and get a feel for if I actually connected and because I was nervous and didn’t know if I did make the connection I answered no. He was satisfied with that and went to get up with the idea that we could try again later. At that moment there was a forceful moving of energy from my body to his. It was intense, but short and we’re both like “What. The. FUCK. O.o” and he sits down, feeling breathless and realizes that he’s channeling her. We’re both like O.O and I’m still buzzing from the first thing. Dizzy, giddy, feeling loose-limbed, kinda how I feel when I’m hypomanic (or drunk). Basically, like a crazy person.

The woman speaks through BGF and his voice is hers, with sort of a New Orleans-like/ Caribbean accent. She asks if the money she has is hers. TB is like “Yes, it’s yours, you can do whatever you want with it.” She responds “Then why is no one using it? It’s their for you to use so take advantage of it!” And she leaves. BGF is thoroughly exhilarated and is like holyshitwtfbbq. I’m like that too, and my cat and dog (who live in separate houses) come down the stairs to say hi and I’m talking to my other friend. I have no idea what about anymore, something to do with living there and what just happened. I don’t know what happened, but the animals being down there made me feel sick, like they were getting rid of the leftover energy in the room from the ghost and it was causing me to be nauseated. I actually woke up because the feeling of needing to vomit in the dream was so powerful that I needed to get up and take a drink of water.

This dream was totally insane and extremely vivid and intense. And the feeling of excitement and euphoria and whatnot remained as well. At least for a while. I’m still a tad jittery and pretty awake and I have NO idea what that dream could be about. Any ideas anyone?

theprimalheart

Today I’m going to break the silence on this blog not to talk about the wonderful trip that I had up to the Mountain, or the crab apples, blackberries, and onions that I harvested. I will have a post up about the amazing crab apple butter that is making my house smell delicious. At some point I’ll finely edit that article on house wards, and I’ll even sit down to write about the nuts and bolts of putting on a public ritual.

But today I’m going to talk about my country, and the shitty politics that are happening. Because election day is around the corner and even tho I’m fairly confident that Mitt Romney doesn’t stand a chance at election; I’m still a little scared. But more than that I’m mad.

I’m mad that I don’t have the luxury of voting on actual economic strategy or structural constitutional legislation because civil…

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