So, I’m writing this post partly for my benefit and partly because SatSekhem is very nosy and wants to know what’s going on in my head lol I’ve had some crazy dreams lately, for those of you who don’t know. They are not normal for me, even though i normally have some coocoo dreams. No, these are ones that make me think the gods are saying something to me. The first one (which is technically the second one) is still confusing me a little, because I have no idea how literal I should take it. That one is from Anpu. No idea what to do with it, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out.
Let’s see, there’s a thing about channeling in there and being insecure and needing help because of it. I don’t think that may have necessarily been about only channeling (if that’s supposed to be literal). I still don’t understand the ghost or the money thing, I’m sorry that was just too specific for me to figure it out. Why aren’t we using the money available to us to the tune of fifty thousand dollars? Maybe because it doesn’t exist? I feel like that wasn’t supposed to be as literal as it sounds, but it’s just so damn specific! And apparently it’s something that involves and is available to more than just myself. I don’t know what though, and apparently it has something to do with family? It wasn’t my friend’s literal grandmother (I’ve only met her once and the dream woman wasn’t her). I still really need help with this one.
The second dream is a little easier. I posted it on The Cauldron to ask for help unraveling it. One person offered to do a tarot reading and was stonewalled. She tried two or three decks and they all came up scrambled, except for saying that it was something for me to figure out on my own. So some people tried to help, and I got some insights. Veggie gave me an idea that is pretty close to what this dream was about. In short, there’s things in it about my insecurity and feeling “unclean” mentally and spiritually. Not being ready, not sure, can’t figure out where I’m going or how to get there. Feeling stuck in a time warp, basically I can’t go any faster and I really want to and I have a hard time fitting in to my family’s expectations. I feel like no one is moving to help me or change, I’m supposed to be on their time and their expectations, but the car is full of them, so full I can’t fit comfortably, or at all. Mom tries to move things out, but it’s not a lot of space and it’s in the back. At one point I was steering the car because she was too busy bitching about lateness. Now, I guess the thing about the “probationary job” could be related to my spirituality, but I couldn’t tell you what exactly it refers to.
Now, early and late in that dream there was a lot of magic going on. Early on I was with my BGF and TB and other people (mainly e-friends) and we’re all doing magic, trying to connect with the gods and spirits and generally having a lot of fun doing it. Like, we were having a LOT of fun. Personally I’m not a big fan of magic or mediumship or channeling. The reasoning is not that I don’t like it, but that I have a lot of fear around it. Spend your whole life being told that anything spiritual outside of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, and maybe family ghosts, was dangerous and demonic and trying to kill your soul and you get a little more than anxious about the thought of purposely connecting with them. I think that’s still a block between me and my gods. As far as magic goes, I am interested in it, but more intellectual than actually wanting to do it. Like, I do want to do it but I don’t, there’s some laziness in there lol
At the end there was the ritual connecting to the gods, but before we could get in it the thing with the tattoo and Set came up. Veggie suggested that there was a lot of symbolism about being at the crossroads and needing to make decisions. I can see where she’d get that from. There was actually a split in the road in the dream, lots of back and forth. I’m still not sure what was up with the sign on the door of the store or the people around my bags, but that’s something to consider. So, I thought about it, what crossroads could I possibly be at? Why, several things it turns out as I wrote it out in response to Veggie.
For instance, just being split about my path in general. Is it for me? Are these gods for me? Am I crazy? Am I doing it right? How can I do it better? How can I work it around my family? Is Anpu really answering me and happy or at least neutral about my following Him? What about Set? Am I just imagining things with Him? And for heaven’s sake WHAT DO I DO IF THEY’RE BOTH LIKE “HEY YOU, COME HERE!” Set is both fascinating and terrifying (so is Anpu, but at least I have other SPG saying He’s less likely to spring insanity on you to clear old shit out). Then of course there’s the worry of what do They want from me exactly? Where is this going to go? How will this affect my relationships? How will this affect my brain? And dammit why can’t anybody say things straight? Gods are so damn complicated! I also STILL feel like I’m forgetting something today and I’ve had that feeling since last night.
And ya know what? How can I get rid of some of these things in my head and heart that hold me back? How do I fix the things that hold me back from being confident and comfortable in my relationship with TB, or with the Jackal, or being brave in potentially welcoming Set full force into my life like I’m getting the feeling He’s trying to push His way into anyway, into being happy regularly, or not snapping like a set trap when someone prods the wrong way unknowingly or have less mood swings after doing something I’m conflicted about despite enjoying? How do I fix myself to have less catastrophic breakdowns or anxiety attacks or just get along better with my parents (or at least be able to respectfully tell them to STFU and stop inserting doubt in my brain)? Sigh, dammit, this is hard T-T But I think I got my problems here. I just want to get mentally and spiritually healthy ya know? Be able to enjoy myself and not constantly feel afraid that something is going to fall apart or that I’ll be abandoned or destroyed or hurt or laughed at or just wrong.
Yeah I’m in for trouble aren’t I? Might as well, leap of faith off a cliff or leap of stupidity into a pit, either way it’s better than stagnating right? Perhaps one of these gods can help me start some healing and carving out my space and time somewhere in this house of half-caring about religion. I’m just kinda nervous about the sort of havoc Set could wreak and I’m still not anywhere close to any footing in the world at all. As long as He doesn’t drive a wedge between me and TB I guess I can handle a lot? (Dear Set, see “guess”! I’m honestly not asking for world shattering, you terrify me XD). Gee, now I know what I was doing today, this XD and now I understand why I felt such strong connection to The Fool when I opened my new tarot cards when I never have before.
also a song for you all to ponder on, a song that has been in my head for four days whose meaning i’m still trying to puzzle out. Through Glass by Stone Sour.