Starting Thoughts: Why

Whenever anyone starts a new relationship with a god, there’s always the question of Why. Why do you want to interact with them? What are you looking for?

For a lot of folks at least one reason is “they won’t leave”.

Not always a bad thing, but ya know, they won’t leave.

Kali won’t leave. I’m not complaining, and it’s not a bad thing. She isnt pestering me, harassing me, or anything like that. She’s just *there*.

I should have asked myself Why when I left Christianity a lot more in depth than I did. But it was 2012, I was barely 20, what did I really know? My reasons for getting into kemeticism were fairly childish, but luckily Anubis is not a jerk and took me in. I know I mentioned recently that he firmly and clearly said “I will not answer you until you clear with Kali”.

Fairly reasonable response, and I had inklings such a thing was coming.

So, now I’m asking Why.

With kemeticism I liked the sound of it. I liked the basic tenets and ideas that most practitioners agree on. I was curious and interested in the gods. I didn’t really like much else, and I didnt have enough knowledge of Hinduism or research skills at the time. Honestly I didn’t think I belonged in Hinduism or had any right to look into it. Too much white people b.s. and I didn’t want to be that person adding in to it.

Anubis was an “easy” choice. Every devotee I talked to said he was friendly and accommodating, though quiet. Besides, jackals!

I am suddenly reminded of a quote from a new age-y book I had on psychic abilities, the author was describing a friend who couldn’t hear her spirit guide, and the guide said she was too busy with her nose to the ground looking to actually hear. Apt.

As I said, my reasons for kemeticism were not particularly mature or thoughtful. Meanwhile, there was Kali literally everywhere. She dominated my Facebook for over a year, coming from all sorts of people, even on my deviantart and twitter. It was baffling to me at the time. What could such a scary goddess want from little me?

She’s no longer so blatantly obvious, but she is always there. Finally caving and doing research last year and this year has revealed a lot about her nature. It’s a reversal of my insight into Anubis, whose soft side I saw first and ferocious side i saw later. To be fair though, I only knew of Kali’s ferocious side and that’s why she appeared that way.

This is where I say that part of the reason I’m interacting with her is cuz she won’t leave. I’m not complaining, I am seeing her nature and trying to make sense of it. She has yet to fully answer why she’s stuck around or been so patient (or maybe im just dense), so I want to know.

I am a selfish human though. I want a god I can trust. Not that I didn’t trust Anubis, but I had no guarantee that he would be available or could do anything. I guess that could be due to interference, but still, sometimes he just wasn’t there.

I want a god I can ask for help from and be reasonably sure I’ll at least get a yes/no/maybe/wait.

I want a Faith that has some clarity and structure to it. Kemeticism is great but i am not the most self driven person. I have mental illness and chronic illness and a toddler and husband and household. I dont have the spoons or desire to make up my own rituals or do intense research to build reconstructionist ones.

I’m tired, I am tired and I need help and I need love. I didnt get that from Christianity, as desperately as I tried. On heaven and hell I swear I tried. All I got was shame, manipulation and abuse. All I got was being told I wasn’t good enough, pure enough, humble enough. Not once did that god reach out to ease my pain, to speak to my mind or heart, nor did he use any church member or family member, nor any other adults whose job it was to try and help or protect me.

I spent years suffering under brutality and emotional and physical violence. I cannot, I cannot, I cannot.

So, my Why, is that I am lonely and longing for what Christianity failed to give me. A God that cares, that cares about my pain and sorrow and is big enough to do something about it. Who will cut away the wretchedness that dogs me and comfort me, but will also help me grow with compassion and grace.

I think back and wonder about things. Kali always came up when looking at Hinduism, and maybe I’m just imagining it, but I kinda see why people finally find their Mother or Father and go yeah, you were always around weren’t you?

Anubis was kind and looked after me for a while, and I appreciate that and he’ll always have a place on my shrine. I think though, it’s time I go where I belong. New Journey, woohoo

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Kali

I see you standing there
Grinning ear to ear.
Fangs out
Sword drawn
Demon head in hand.
What have I to fear?
You aren’t here for me
Not to destroy me
Or harm me.
No, just to cut down my enemies
Obstacles, fears
Wipe away my tears.
When I’m ready
Will I ever be?
I’ve been courted before,
You’re not the first
Or perhaps you were
And I ran
as a child runs from their mother
when it’s time for bed.
I know the feeling
my own daughter flees
Cries and stomps her tiny little feet,
Waves her tiny fists, and screeches,
As if to say “how could you? I’m not ready!”
Sometimes I let her run around
Just a little longer
Or give her a toy or game to play with in bed.
But eventually, it doesn’t matter,
it’s time for bed
for a bath,
it’s even more important when she’s unwell.
So I see you there.
I’m almost ready.

Decisions and Health Update

My health isn’t significantly worse than the last time I wrote on here (knock on wood). Mostly just more persistent, pronounced weakness, that apparently greatly dislikes stress because it often gets worse when I’m anxious and running around. More muscular pain and joint pain as well, and the numbness and paresthesia are now in all four limbs, though it doesn’t affect my arms and hands as much.

 

My neurologist still doesn’t know what’s going on, she did another MRI of my brain, and did one of my cervical spine, zilch. Now I’m trying physical therapy and trying to get in to see a rheumatologist. Physical therapy assessment posits me as having hyperreflexia, balance problems and a couple other things. It’s nice to have objective proof that something is wrong and I’m not just crazy.

 

The last month I’ve been struggling with some decisions though. I very much want to go back to school, but I’m not certain about it. I can’t do another round of health breakdown, fail/drop out. I would be crushed to face that disappointment, waste of time, energy and money, again. I really want to be a nurse, but I’m no longer confident that I could finish a program. I was thinking of doing an LPN program, they’re typically a year, but even then. I’m not even sure there’s one that I could do evenings. The ones closest to my residence are day time, and I work a full time job.

 

I started thinking about social work or psychology/counseling. Yes, they need a master’s degree, but I imagine that’s less intense than nursing school. I’ve also been doing research on being a nursing student with disabilities, not that it’ll matter if I can’t get a diagnosis before next fall. At least if I do social work I can start in the spring. I like mental health care and just helping people in general, but I also really enjoy clinical work, which is why I like being a medical assistant. I don’t know what to do or how to do it. I just really need a clear, indisputable, unignorable sign about which direction to take myself school wise.

 

In the meantime I have been considering how best to set up my house so I can start my practice back. With a toddler I want to be careful about smoke and low lying objects, but I also need it to be low spoons, especially since Kali is deserving of my attention and I’m sure Anpu has work for me to do. It’s hard trying to find resources on culturally correct, low spoons, low budget (cuz I’m broke and can’t afford to not eat offerings) worship of the Devi.

Big Changes

I mentioned briefly in my last post that there’s a lot going on for me. I started work full-time as a medical assistant for a large hospital network (despite being fairly rote I am delighted with my job). Zolfyer just got hired full-time at an insurance company, which, while not being his field, makes him happy because it’s with one of his best friends. Now, for those of you in the know, this is totally the fulfillment of one side of a bargain.

In March I had a dream of Kali smirking at me. I’ve mentioned before that she’s been stalking me for years, and if you’d seen the smirk you’d have done what I did. Alright, fine, I’ll stop being a wimp, what do you want? We can do this.

She was fine with that response. She was winning. I told her, if you can get me and Zolfyer jobs, good jobs that’ll enable us to pay all our bills, including our loans, and still save, I’ll worship you. I’ll do it as properly as my poor, chronically ill self is able, in a way I can actually keep up with. I’m not doing it halfway, so we probably will have to compromise, but that’s the deal.

Well.

Here I am.

With jobs and trustworthy, cheap childcare, and it’s looking like our new home budget will be more than enough, especially if we get into this one apartment complex we’re after.

So now I’m trying to find reliable sources on the lay worship of Kali Maa, preferably with accommodation for sick folks.

And you know what? I’m delighted.