That Point Where Shit Makes Sense, and Then Stops

So, I haven’t really shared my recent astral shenanigans on here. It’s mostly been fragmented and seemingly random stuff, not enough to write about anyway. There have been some larger things, but they didn’t seem connected to my previous shenans which included zombies and whatnot. What’s got me here though is the dream I had this morning. It connected a lot of the previous year’s craziness quite nicely, but also opened up a shit ton of questions. Last year when the zombie bs started, Devo suggested that it could be related to Dapper’s soul or something going on in him. I didn’t really see how it could be, since it seemed so random at the time, and there was just as often other people, including him, around. I imagine that not every zombie adventure was about him, in fact I know that to be true. Not every zombie adventure had to do with him or his soul, we were completing work that he was instructed to do. However, the dream I had this morning shows that places we’ve been to repeatedly that involved zombies (along with other events happening in the same places) were about him.

It started with me apparently setting a soul on fire. I was in a house, and I was lighting everything up and crying about it. I have no idea why, apart from what I said; something like “I can’t let him die” and “this has to be done, this has to go” and “I don’t like this, I have to get rid of it, I have to get it out.” These words imply this may have been Dapper’s soul because the place was familiar. Like, I’ve been in this “house” before and there may have been zombies last time. Anyway, I was inside this soul and set a part of it on fire because something was wrong with it and freaking me the fuck out. I’m not sure what happened next, but I do know I was now in a different house I’ve been to before with Dapper and Z.

In this new house (not really that new, nor was the neighborhood, been here before, during and after zombies) we were talking about something. It involved plane traveling and killing shit. There was a lot of weird stuff about this house, like the fact there was a portal in the basement, and it was the type that is at the bottom of an “adventure” level, if you get my drift. The last time we were in this neighborhood, I only partly remember what we were doing there and it had to do with zombies and the other part was about hiding from cops after I killed a creeper. Anyway, we’re back and forth out of this house, interacting with the neighbors and kids on the street, while secretly trying to find some item in the basement and killing off gremlins and other unsavory things. Dapper isn’t…hmmm…it was more like a kid version of himself, a young teen or tween, which, I guess if we’re inside his soul, makes sense. It’s happened before. I’ve often been an observer when these scenes of him as a youngster happen, but sometimes I get involved with what’s happening. I’m fairly certain they’re at least partial memories.

We’re helping the neighborhood with their problems as well, so we’re very busy and are able to get some help getting this “item.” It’s like, something like clock gears, yet also like an alchemy circle, and it’s guarded by a giant spider I’ve seen before. The last time I saw this spider though, I had been dropped into a room with it. I still don’t know why I was fighting it, but that particular dream started with a mystery woman giving me some kind of poppet and that poppet made the spider back off. I don’t know why the spider didn’t like it, but it wasn’t a weapon and couldn’t hurt it, and the spider didn’t stop trying to attack, it just didn’t want to get close to me to do it. Anyway, we have to go through a half-portal I guess? The basement isn’t on its own plane but it isn’t on the same plane either, and that’s very important because it makes shit complicated and makes revival weird and difficult. I can’t explain it, I just know that it was important to not fall into any of the traps or die if we could help it. The last time I was in this house though, the basement was normal.

Anyway, now that we’ve made friends in the neighborhood, we have extra help getting this item, and we need it because the basement is a mess. There is no floor, it’s a cave-tunnel, almost straight down and there are wooden beams crossing the space like a spider web. There’s also sand everywhere, it’s moving and flowing as well. The spider didn’t antagonize us too much, it wasn’t really happy, but I can’t say it attacked us either. It simply covered the item, snatched it away and dumped it closer to where the sand had pooled and was flowing down in a slow vortex. It didn’t help us get it either. We had to try getting this thing several times. Our new friends tried first, but one died from a trap and backed out when we revived them, another got swarmed by gremlins and also backed out. In the end it was me, Zolfyer, and one friend while I carried kid Dapper on my back. Two more people showed up, they were trap keepers and, although we got the item, they knocked us into the sand vortex and watched as we all got sucked down and passed out. Weird conversation was had about the sand and the weird death from the one friend who helped. I feel like I know him, I could be mistaken, but it might’ve been Caleb, my sister’s dragon, because of his appearance. The vortex made me think of being stuck in a giant hourglass.

So, we fall through the vortex and the two trap keepers are waiting for us on the other side. Now we’re on a tree and all of us are thoroughly confused. The trap keepers say some weird shit that explains nothing and leave us on our way. Caleb seems to half-understand, but even he’s confused. We break into groups to explore, and I’m fairly certain we end up smack dab in a memory, because suddenly it’s nighttime when I get to the bottom of a hill and all of us are together again. There are soldiers with gas masks on and they’re not friendly, they try and trap Dapper and me, probably because he’s a kid and I’m a kid-looking girl. Cue running for cover, and Z and Caleb distract. They also manage to get away, but we’re all scrambling right now.

We’re in a parking lot, and we’re trying to hide. Kid Dapper is at least in enough control to use stealth magic (his magic always is extremely limited when he’s in a younger form, boo random insertion of logic and rationality) but these soldiers know what they’re doing. He almost gets caught, so he casts stealth on me and books it around the cars to distract them while I creep around in the shadows trying to find a way to safety, or at least to Z and Caleb who now have guns. A random passerby notices me and offers to help and Dapper sprints back, but before I can decide what to do, of course I wake up because I’m getting a phone call.

Yes, soul traveling! It’s all the rage! The frustrating part is that this isn’t even everything because little details and dialogue always gets lost and it’s so annoying! But I did realize that a lot of shit I’ve seen seems to be connected to these same places and houses, and also coincides with Dapper being a little kid or young teen. The house itself was connected to two other houses I visit frequently. Those houses also have had zombie problems and were in zombie neighborhoods, but they also had other stuff happen in them that were zombie-free. So, a lot of things I’ve been puzzling about at least got connected all at once, and certain things make more sense right now, however I’m still missing so much information.

For example, what the hell was freaking me out so much that I was willing to set a piece of soul on fire to kill it? That and I knew, I knew that if I didn’t set it on fire, that Dapper could die or otherwise be seriously fucked up if I didn’t? Why now anyway? Why are all these houses connected, and why are zombies such a prolific and important symbol? The fuck does that shit even mean? Not to mention, they aren’t always there. Sometimes they’re overrunning everything and at other times you’d never know they’d ever been there. I also figure that the arrangement and appearance of these houses and neighborhoods has something to do with me and the influence my brain has on the surroundings and the fact that my presence probably changes the way some things are gonna go down, because they all resemble or are amalgamations of places I actually know Here, as well as places I’ve never been and don’t recognize. Who knows, maybe this is actually my soul, or something, or some cross over between us, because these things always involve Dapper in some fashion and he tends to be the center of the craziest shit.

Then there’s why the basement was now some cracked half-plane when before it was just a normal basement. What the fuck is with the spider, and what is the item we retrieved? Why are we getting it now? What’s it for, why is it available to be retrieved now? Why did we get tossed through that trap, and why did we end up on a giant tree and then in the middle of a firefight? What do any of these things have to do with each other? While many things are now connected, a lot of the events still are unexplained. Like, why did I see the spider twice, what’s with the mystery witch giving me a poppet the first time I saw the spider. Why do I keep getting in these fights, because this is now the third time I’ve been shot at, and the fifth time I’ve had to fight and try and kill something by myself in the last couple of months. Further, these almost all happen when Dapper is compromised in some way. He’s a kid so can’t access all his power, he’s injured from some other issue, he simply can’t fight for whatever reason, or bam learning experience time for me. Like, what the fuck.

I can speculate about the spider, if it’s some part of him then of course he can’t fight it. Fighting yourself is hard as shit. Makes me wonder why I can fight it though, or why I’m even the preferred fighter here. Anytime he’s a kid or otherwise can’t fight, I’m choice one to take over. I’m not much of a fighter, and he’s got people he’s known much longer and who are stronger and better trained, but I get shoved down the hole. I’m willing to do it, obviously, because half the time I’m leaping in first, but I don’t know why dream me never questions this shit or the efficacy of it. I guess this was why it was important for me to kill my stalker in my last astral visit. More training, I guess, probably made easier by a sigil my sister made for me a little while ago. Or it could be because I’m much more vicious and willing to fight to protect others even Here, much less Over There. The other interesting thing is that Z has been in these dreams increasingly often. Astral him and Dapper get along really well (Z also gives him food and talks to him here) and lately, as crazy shit happens more Z is showing up more. Z often is the one keeping an eye on things, backing me up or protecting kid Dapper while I’m off destroying the universe. Pretty grateful for that, even though he doesn’t know he’s helping me half the time.

This also makes me wonder about a previous dream I had where a little kid who looks a lot like Dapper, but probably isn’t was trying to get into a terrorist group to overthrow the oppressive government he has a lot of privilege in. I totally knew the kid, but I also know it wouldn’t be the first time I knew a kid because I’d saved them (usually with Dapper) somewhere on a zombie infected plane. I mean, there were kids in Dapper’s soul, so WHO KNOWS.

Either way, a bunch of shit made a whole lot of sense after this dream, and then promptly stopped making sense because it opened up a shit ton of new questions, like why am I in this wolf’s soul messing around anyway? I’ve obviously been in here for quite a while, but I don’t know what I’m doing in there or how I got in there in the first place. Nor do I know how or why or when I got into that part of his soul that I set on fire. Yeah, so astral stuff, commentary and speculation welcome.

That Time I Had a Silent Hill Type Dream

This morning was a bit of a panic-filled morning as I woke up from all kinds of insanity. It started out in a house in the woods, typical horror movie start. I was part of an investigation team looking into the mysterious deaths of several tourists. Exploring the house, possessing and following the paths and events of the ghosts and spirit forms of the victims. It was difficult to figure it out, because each room had a ghost and event, and their paths overlapped in several places. It was video game-like quite frankly, with requirements that I approach a particular point the correct way and direction to reveal a scene, and several times I had to take wolf shape to get anything done. I visited several nearby places, including an office building, to find clues and talk to people. The office building was full of people working, despite the time of night, and they all told me about their shitty boss, who I met. I was suspicious of him, but I didn’t have anything to base it off of. After traipsing around, following the deaths and paths of the spirits and gathering information on the person-monster who killed them, I went down into a basement where the task force I was assigned to was meeting. Z and my sister were there, and a third person who I can’t identify. There are a few people it could be, but I’m just not sure. It’s most likely Dapper.

One of the places I was visited was kind of like a school, but it was full of gangsters and criminals doing criminal things, like prostitution and whatnot. They let us sort of look around, but not much. We figured they had something to do with the murders and were harboring the person who controlled the monster. There was also an amusement park involved, and a cross between a ferris wheel and rollercoaster. The colors yellow, green, red and orange were important too. Like, super important, to the point they were indicators that clues, monsters and violence were nearby. They were also attached to us, symbols of us and our power or something.

We figure out the final death and go through the amusement park to the school where the gangsters are hiding. Did I mention the school is attached to the office building somehow? Anyway, we know that our culprit is being protected and we fight our way in, with me even managing to successfully shoot two people with a gun. I guess I’m saving my magic. We kill some more gangbusters and they just let us through, not wanting to lose more people or chase away too much business. The other cops start clearing out and searching the school, while my group goes to the office building to find the master person-monster and the sneaky, suspicious boss who turned out to be helping the monster.

The officeworkers seemed out of the loop, ignoring us storming through and searching for their boss. Except one, he was a burly guy and was hiding and protecting the cowardly boss. He warns us to back off and not to hurt him, while my sister keeps her gun trained on the burly guy, I go around the bar to see where he’s hiding and shoot him. The burly guy grabs me, and I try to fight him, but he’s huge and my magic isn’t doing much. He throws me through a nearby door, and I fly past a flight of steps and onto a landing. My magic and getting caught by Dapper kept me from getting hurt. My sister came down, shielding me with her magic in case the big dude kept attacking us. Z came from wherever he had been. Probably subduing somebody. He had seen me get chucked and flipped shit. However, that burly guy turned out to be the head person-monster we were looking for. He gripped Z up, binding his magic and threw him too. My sis tried to catch him, but he hit his head and I flipped out. He was only unconscious for a minute, for a second mistaking my sister for me, but I quickly corrected that because rightfully emotional and freaking out.

There’s a shit ton of magic whirling around, what with four mages freaking out, one of whom is injured. The colors are important during this whole scene, with red belonging to me, green belonging to Z, orange belonging to my sister and yellow to Dapper. There were animals associated with this too. I know a badger was with the yellow, but I’m not sure what my sister’s and Z’s was, and of course mine was a wolf. They protected us and helped us escape, and I’m fairly certain Dapper stayed behind to fight the guy. Eventually we all flee and end up on the ferris wheel-rollercoaster to get away from the enemies and take a moment to heal. Z was still a little out of it but he was ok, and I was freaking out less. There was more that happened afterward that involved blankets and sewing magic into them, but I couldn’t really tell you what was going on except I was trying to make sure everyone stayed safe while the task force and Dapper took care of the other baddies. It was chaotic to say the least.

Life Going On

It’s been an uneventful couple of months since I last posted. I’m still working on a Kemetic Activity Book, but I’m also finishing up the semester, so don’t be surprised if you don’t see much for it still. The semester is going ok, it could be going worse so I’m going to take what I can get. I have a paper to write and two tests left, which I really should be studying for, since one is on Monday. Later this week I may get around to writing a current events post, because I’m black and opinionated, in case you somehow didn’t know.

Things have been pretty hectic in my personal life. There’s a lot going on as we try to stretch our funds. Z got a new job in October as a part-time graphic designer, which I’m sure I mentioned. This means he took a pay cut, and I’m having a hard time dealing with us not having enough money. I grew up within 200% of the poverty line (where we are now) but I always had a way to get little things that I wanted and I wasn’t acutely aware of how poor we were because my grandparents weren’t poor. So, I’m not used to not having that and it’s hard for me. I’ll be honest in that I’m terribly spoiled and I’m upset that my little bubble was burst. It’s a matter of maturity, so I don’t expect anyone to pity me, especially since I’m still quite willing to, and do, ask my family for money for frivolous things.

Meanwhile, my religious life has been pretty quiet. I haven’t heard from the crazy kidnapping demon chick, and I hope to the gods I’m not jinxing myself. On the flip side, Z got terrified by Dapper. It was more he wasn’t expecting to receive a response than that the wolf was genuinely trying to frighten him. Apparently Z also thought Dapper was a god of some sort. I was like, omg no, talk about inflating his ego! They seem to be getting along. Then last night Z had the most whacked out dream that he’s had in a while, so much so that I’m not sure how much of it is actually astral madness and how much is dream insanity. But on the whole, pretty quiet.

My goals for this month, learn more about LPN programs for school and continuing education for my bachelor’s. Try and find a job. Write more Kemetic Christmas carols. Help my younger sister with her writing. Oh goodness, being able to look back at how I used to write and the skills I gained makes me chuckle at the level her skills are at. Not in insult or anything, just that it’s very adorable and I used to write just like that, and worse. Thank the gods for teachers and many books. I was terrible in high school, I cringe at the cheesy nature of my teenage writing, and even more so when I look back at how I wrote in middle school. I feel very appreciative that my sister trusts me enough and thinks me good enough to ask for my help. Here’s hoping I keep that trust yeah?

More Lunacy from Dreamland

This dream started off in a completely black room. It was totally dark. The only thing in it was a desk with about fifteen to twenty computer monitors on it. A man was there and asked me to come look at the screens. I was suspicious, especially since they all were covered in static. The brand wasn’t anything I recognized, all I knew was they were super thin and high tech. I don’t remember what i was shown on the screens.

The next part was me following someone. I was with a small group, three people and a little girl, the daughter of one of the men. I knew him, a man who is a wolf. I worry now that I’m awake that it was truly my wolf spirit Dapper. The reason why is because we were traveling through a forest looking for a place to rest. Wherever we were was in civil war and we were mercenaries. However, none of us wanted to be involved in this nonsense. For those who may not know, Dapper is a very experienced soldier, but why his youngest daughter would be with us is confusing. I’m hoping this part was just a dream and not real, because she was kidnapped. We left her in a hiding place while we went to find food and shelter, when we came back there was a man waiting for us and he told us he was from the extremists who began the war. His organization was holding the little one hostage for our cooperation and skills.

I don’t know where our other two companions were, but I know they cooperated because they cared about the little girl too. They sent us to different places. I remember us talking to someone near a lake. It was a beautiful place, we stood on a stone bridge with sakura trees and weeping willows reaching their beautiful branches and blossoms over us and the water. We spoke with a woman, though I don’t quite remember what about. It was about the war and being forced into the assassin’s role, about the fairness of having his daughter kidnapped. Dapper spoke bitterly and someone passed by us. I don’t know who it was, but the person said something cruel to him about the situation, I believe he was with the woman. Dapper threatened to kill them all, the whole organization. The man spoke nastily again and Dapper drowned him. Beat the man and flung him into the water and held him down. The woman wasn’t afraid, she wanted that man dead and gave us our next assignment.

I remember sneaking around the city as a wolf. I found his daughter. She was being kept in a steel box because she was violent and inherited her father’s strength and magic. She recognized me but said nothing. The men were lower rank and figured I was just a large dog. They even fed me and let her pet me, keeping me around because she was behaving. Eventually I had to leave because I saw the man who had told us of the kidnapping. He recognized me and I ran back to Dapper. The next place we had to go was a theater, a show. We met several of the head honchos of the organization there, including the man who had told us of our extortion. They had the little girl in the box there as a reminder for us to behave and do their bidding. Dapper cried after assassinating several people. He was upset that he couldn’t rescue his daughter.

This is why I’m hoping that wasn’t real. Dapper made me leave. I don’t know what happened next. He sent me somewhere else. I don’t really know how or why, but I ended up outside an FBI building. A woman came out and asked who I was. I told her what was going on and she took me upstairs. She and her superiors asked me all sorts of questions, including questions about the computer screens in the black room. I explained what I could remember to her, including what the screens looked like. She said it sounded a lot like the screens had been stolen from their building. They were after the organization and wanted to help get the little girl back. Once I had answered all I could I left.

Zolfyer came and got me. I don’t know how he knew where I was, but he didn’t ask questions. I had something important to do. I had been hired as a photographer for a businessman who was sponsoring some sort of event. The hotel was nice and he gave us room and board. This hotel I’ve been in only once before, and it does not follow the laws of physics at all. Parks inside, daylight in some parts but night in others. The rooms lead “outside” or to malls, even on the fifth floor. The elevators are numerous and some can come out of their cubbies and get on a rollercoaster track and transform into seats or open boxes like a ferris wheel. Some of them only go to odd numbered floors or can switch what floors they’re going to. It’s total insanity in this tesseract hotel.

For some reason, my mother and three of my cousins were there. We got there and I did the photography, though I don’t recall any of it. The businessman invited us to stay in the hotel for a few days and take part in the other, smaller events he had planned, and if I took pictures I’d get paid accordingly. We thought it a fabulous deal and went to get my twin and my BGF too. There were some other people there already who I both know and don’t know IRL. In the meantime when we came back we were informed that we had been given a bigger suite.

While the others started moving all the stuff to the larger suite I explored the hotel. I ended up in a hallway that was completely white. There were two doors on the walls, and one at the end of the hallway. Above the door to my left was an observation window. In front of me were two women. They greeted me warmly and looked a little sad and tired. I don’t know how I knew they were goddesses, and I can identify one positively as Serket but I can’t positively ID the other one. Neither of them looked like Netjeru as one might expect them to look from historical depictions. I really like anime so my brain tends to render any spirit I meet into a sort of anime-ish form.

I asked them where Aset was. They seemed to think for a moment, but the door on the right opened and I saw Her. She smiled at me, love and pain on her face, and walked through the other door. I could see there were stairs behind it. A voice over the intercom caught my attention and I looked up to see two more women in the observation window. I don’t know who the second one was, but the first was Kali. She was marveling at herself in her anime-ish form and told me she appreciated how my mind had rendered her. She felt pretty, she felt…Serket finished the sentence: young? Yes, young. I was so confused, they sent me on my way, telling me that I’d be alright and things would become clear.

Through the door at the end of the hall was the hotel again. The hotel hall led me through an area patterned after Arabic and Indian architecture and design, including to a huge indoor pool, not more than 3 or 4 feet deep, with benches and such around it that led to the courtyard-like halls. A giant skylight lit the pool with sun, the rest of the room and halls lit by lights. Turning down one hall led me through a temple-like structure and then I came across a huge gathering of Jewish people in a great foyer having a combination party and education event. The new suite was on the other side of them.

Everyone was in the suite and cooking. Zolfyer was really taking charge of the kitchen, directing people on what to make and what to do and washing dishes and food came out of the oven and onto serving platters. My mom, sister and one cousin were baking, which isn’t surprising, while the other cousins, two of the random people and BGF were peeling potatoes and doing other things to help the cooking process while chatting. The businessman came in, happy to see the food and even helping to cook himself, as well as stepping, well, through the wall to his venue. I chatted a bit with everyone, including getting into a very strange conversation with one of the random people, my sister and cousin about licking melted icing off of the wall and doing the same with melted cotton candy. We have never done this, ever, but we said we did in the dream.

I then went to sit at the table with BGF and he was talking about religious things. We talk about spirits and the supernatural all the time because he has very strong spirit senses, way better than mine. I mentioned some of the weird things that had been going on, but the two randoms interrupted and talked about silly stuff and food. I started to feel very disconnected and floaty, like I was gonna drift off back into that hallway with the goddesses. BGF kept trying to get my attention to keep me there because he was worried I’d get swept off somewhere unsafe. Not to mention my mind needed to be there to work. Basically, can’t let my mind leave my body and go floating off places.

At one point I saw a skeleton-like spirit in front of me. Now that I’m going through this dream thoroughly I realize it was the same asshole who kidnapped the little girl. He told me that I needed to join him, I told him to fuck off. He said that i would be great with them and that he was gonna try and recruit my friend too, because they “needed another shapeshifter (referring to me) and another shadow mover (referring to BGF). He walked off saying he was going to try and snag my friend and email his bosses.

BGF eventually got up, tired of yelling over people at me, and touched my shoulder, startling me back to my body. He told me I needed to be here and not wandering and took me outside. Back through the Jews still having what looked like an awesome bar mitzvah or wedding reception and through the pool area and through a door that led to a nighttime parking lot. Never mind that we’re on the fourth floor and it’s daytime inside the pool area and mall and rest of the hotel. BGF talked with me for a bit about the hotel, the photography gig, and wtf was going on with the spirits of this place and why I was so ungrounded. I felt sleepy and actually laid down on the ground. I felt sharp pricks on my arms and yelled at him, wondering what he was doing. He had two ultra thin, golden needles with threads of energy in them. He was binding my spirit to my body, first by poking the shit out of me with those needles and then wrapping the threads around my limbs and torso individually and then all together.

When he was done we went back inside. I certainly felt stuck to myself, but not in a good way. I was cranky, in fact. We went back to the room (and through the pool and partying Jews) and the businessman was there. He invited me through the wall to his venue, which was still being set up.

The venue was nice, it was in a mall and spacious, with clothing racks nearby and plenty of display areas. Food was being set out and stands were being set up. Some were to sell things while others were for schools and still others were employers looking to hire. The mall led/turned into a park where framed photographs, all of them supposedly mine (some were actual photos I’ve taken but most weren’t) were set up along the path for people to view. I walked up and down the path, looking at the photos on both sides and talking with Zolfyer about this photography gig.

When we got back to the businessman he complimented us on the food and on the pictures along the walkway. He asked if I’d be willing to take pictures of the food and this event, for more money of course. He also complimented me on this random ass, yet awesome as shit, picture of a hoagie. I told him the truth, Z had taken that. I didn’t really answer him about the event but walked with him and Z to a round kiosk with clothes around it on racks and my mother nearby. Z said he’d help and we’d be willing to do the shoot, and the businessman complimented my mom, especially on the photo of her along the park path. He asked if I had taken it and, after confirming which one it was I told him yes.

Z then asked me for a favor, right as my mom asked me to go to the 2nd floor and pick up an item from someone. Now, I have no idea why I didn’t walk around like a normal person and do Z’s favor first, since he was closest and his favor was really small, but I didn’t and ended up heading towards an elevator to do my mom’s favor first.

When I got on the elevator I collapsed, the room spinning mercilessly. I could barely sit up even partially, I was so dizzy and weak. On top of that, the elevator was moving of its on accord and only had buttons 1, 3, 5 and S, but I was on floor 4 and needed to get to 2. It went all the way down to S and the buttons morphed to even numbers. I was terrified because the doors said ICE MAKING STORAGE, but when they opened it was the lobby (though the wall behind me opened up into a freezer but closed when other people got on). People got on, none of them helping me, but they did ask what floor I needed. The elevator then came out of its cubby into the lobby and started rolling down the hall, only without its top half. A man came to direct it and yelled to someone that they needed a cart for floor 2, the person was standing next to rollercoaster tracks and pulled a cart out. I dropped my purse out of fear and told the operator, he promised he’d get it to my room and pushed the elevator onto the cart and down the rollercoaster we went. It was scary, but I ended up at the 2nd floor.

I got whatever it was my mother had wanted and went back upstairs, through the pool area and the Jews and gave it to her. I was disappointed that Z no longer wanted his favor done (I’m weird, so don’t ask what it was) and then I woke up from my alarm.

An Update

So school has started again. Class was OK today, it was hot in there, which was the main reason it wasn’t better. I’m particularly sensitive to the heat, and I despise being hot. It screws with everything and just makes me feel ill. On a positive note we were doing the microscopes and tissues labs so I got to look at cool things like cells in mitosis.

I’m trying not to be freaked out over school. It isn’t more work than before, but now I feel more fragile than I’m used to. I’ve always been sensitive, but now I feel like I’ve completely fallen apart. I had a dream a couple of nights ago. I was in one of my rooms, it could have just as easily been the bedroom and probably was, and I was standing. Z was near me, walking around and talking to me. He might have been cleaning (he does that) and was wondering if I was OK or needed help. I told him no and started drawing up energy. Now, usually, drawing up energy is a disturbing thing. I don’t mean unnerving, it merely disturbs my equilibrium because it’s strong, foreign energy. My energy tends to be low key and fluid, like a bathtub. When it’s high or gets stirred up then it’s more like a small river. I rarely get superbly upset or enraged, so I couldn’t give an accurate metaphor. Perhaps a short storm, a lot of noise and water and wind that peters out quickly and ends with either sunshine or overcast. I sense my own energy as muted, either blue or green (I sense most peoples’ energy in these colors unless there are emotions involved).

When I do magic or energy exercises I usually gather energy from the earth (except for recently where I’ve been using heka), and it is very strong and dense. Since I still have issues grounding, it can leave me overstimulated for days. So, this dream having me do just that was weird. Normally I wouldn’t do such an exercise if I’m feeling unbalanced. However, in the dream the energy was extremely muted and warm. It wasn’t overwhelming, nor was it fluid, electrifying, sparkling (like pop rocks), or speedy. It was more like syrup or honey, a dark forest green and enveloping as opposed to expansive. As I pulled this energy from the earth I made sure to spread it out so it touched every fiber of my being. It was then I realized I was shattered. Like a mosaic, the energy was becoming the frame and scaffolding to hold the pieces together. I’ve never had such a dream before. I’ve never seen myself hurt or shattered or broken. If I’m healing, usually it’s someone else who is hurt.

Quite frankly, I feel the dream is very accurate. I dropped myself off a cliff and broke apart. I was already fragile and unstable; I make jokes about being delicate all the time, but I never really took it too literally. I don’t think anyone has. I made a joke when I got out of the hospital that my brain can’t even do abnormality right. With conversion disorders, typically the patient isn’t really aware of their internal psychological suffering. Sure, they know they’re stressed, but instead of being plainly overwhelmed, they get physical symptoms instead. I’m plainly overwhelmed and getting physical symptoms, so, even doing conversion disorders wrong.

On top of that, school is still going and one class is getting blocked. Apparently I need both of my anatomy classes to take it (the class in question being microbio). The problem is that I’m still in anatomy 1 and can’t take 2 until summer. I can’t register for micro bio in fall because it needs both. I can’t take micro bio by itself because I can’t afford to pay out of pocket for it and financial aid needs at least part time status, ie two classes. The solution is either wait until the end of summer semester and pray that there’s still a seat left, or get special permission from the dean to register. I still have things to handle with the office of disability and of course the classes I currently have.

Then I found out I owe a lot of money on my taxes this year and I’m just trying to focus on not falling apart again. While I wait for doctor’s appointments and try to coordinate my healthcare. Did I mention my mom has to fight with the insurance company because they denied coverage for my hospital stay? See, this is why I need to move to Sweden or Japan. Or Germany. Right now I’m reminding myself that other people, capable people, are handling some of these problems. I’m reminding myself to breathe, breathe because for asthmatics breath is a hard thing to come by and stress worsens asthma. Breathe because I cannot fall apart again. Not like I did, not worse. Breathe because I am anchored, somehow, in the earth.

In the dream Z was right there. He stood next to me and watched patiently as I slowly and painstakingly anchored myself together and to the earth with magic. I am certain he lent his own energy, he was holding me up at some point. He does this very palpably in real life as well. Without him I’d be a horrible mess. I have at least some internal stability because of his support, patience and his providing external stability. He reminds me that I shouldn’t worry about things I can’t control, and that he and others are here to help and take care of things too. The entire week of spring break I slept horribly. Only two days did I get enough sleep, and sleep at night. The other days I would only sleep between 2-4 hours. If I got a nap it was way too long because I was getting the other 4-6 I missed and it was very restless. He slept on the couch with me for three days when I couldn’t sleep and got up when I couldn’t sleep in bed until I could. Actually, I probably wouldn’t have slept at all those three nights on the couch if he weren’t there.

Nonetheless, at this point we could use some more blessings. Lots of them actually. And I need a new brain or something, because I’m tired of feeling sick and broken and depressed. Too bad you can’t update your mind so easily.

Excited Kids and Battle Training?

So, last night was a bag of interesting. When Z went to sleep I figured I’d visit Dapper and his kids. He wasn’t in his house at the time, but his children were. They were excited to see me, mainly because I’m a better cook than the oldest one is. Said oldest one went right back to the question she’s been asking for four days: “Will you bring Z back over to play?” Before I could even answer a strange man came in the kitchen. My automatic response was to draw a weapon of course. He raised his hands in a half amused-half exasperated gesture.

“Who the hell are you?” I asked, sending the younger two into the next room and pulling the oldest to my side.

“Calm down, this place has a strong barrier around it. Anyone who doesn’t know where it is can’t find it, and it doesn’t let anyone it doesn’t recognize through.”

“Do you recognize him?” I asked the oldest.

She shook her head no and I pushed her behind me towards the next room. “Go call your dad.”

“I don’t think that will work. Pretty sure he’s out of cell range.”

I glared at him, then behind him, as if something was there. Eventually he turned around and I manifested a second weapon (both short swords) and lunged for him. But, of course, Dapper showed up in time to stop me. Startled both me and this stranger.

“Dammit Kenta, I have told you not to show up unannounced.”

“Heh, well I didn’t think your bitch could bite.”

Dapper gave him the evil eye, you know, the face that says “I’ll slay you right now”? Even the dragon (I’ll explain that in a little) seemed a little riled up. Kenta backed off and Dapper sent me in the other room with the kids. Said children were playing video games and I listened in on the conversation. Not that a pair of soldiers weren’t aware of me eavesdropping, but still, they spoke loud enough for me to hear.

“Are you sure you should be bringing her along?”

“As long as she doesn’t touch anything they can’t see her.”

“She almost got you killed.”

“She didn’t realize she was watching me. And I did stop her.”

“Wha-how the fuck did she not know?”

Dapper looked back at me peeking through the door and proceeded to whisper. As luck would have it, a certain wolf child decided that now was a great time to talk to me. Gotta love kids’ timing. Now, she didn’t just interrupt my listening, she was in my room. Like, I was in her room, and then she was in mine. It was a little startling, because it was daytime there, but it was night here and she’s just bouncing. She wanted to know if she could please, please, pretty please play with Z tonight. I’m like, uh, he’s asleep, it’s his mind and he’s a little spirit blind. He isn’t ignoring you, he just can’t hear you, so you’ll have to try extra hard to get his attention.

Well, she was up to the challenge. She started patting his arm and calling him to come play. Now, I have no idea why she was so intent on getting him to come back, but obviously she didn’t realize that the first couple times happened without his knowledge. Dapper eventually showed up to take her back, which was funny, because she actually had managed to get Z to stir. Poor thing was sad, but to make everyone feel better she said that he had come to play last night at some point. I have no idea how or when that happened, but hey, she’s happy.

Anyway, I should backtrack a little. I mentioned a dragon earlier, which I know is probably confusing everyone. I couldn’t tell you much about it, I just know that what I thought was a regular dream wasn’t actually that. In this “dream” I saw scenes of Dapper at a military base and in different places with a sniper rifle. Now, I have dreams about plots involving snipers pretty often because writer brain, so it was confusing that I couldn’t seem to control this one and that things were missing (like dialogue and transition scenes). Now, Dapper happens to look a hell of a lot like my main character, so the confusion is understandable. I saw him using his magic and with a dragon spirit. Said spirit was red and aggressive, but it listened to Dapper’s directions and would lend its magic for various purposes, including sniping assistance. That was interesting, because they would argue about who would get to shoot. Essentially it was a matter of “I have super dragon eyes” vs “I like sniping, fuck off”.

As the scenes jumped around I watched Dapper snipe several people and interact with another officer. He seemed to be able to see me, but they couldn’t. They were getting mad that he seemed to be ignoring them, and it also seemed like they were discussing training and new recruits as much as missions. I don’t really know, I was focused on Dapper and his dragon. I should mention said dragon is actually kind of small, not longer than four or five feet. Don’t tell him I called him small. Near the end I saw him in a cell, with a woman who was apparently a doctor. Yeah, they tortured him some. He kicked me out then because I tried to help and I woke up. Crazy shit.

That’s how we get to where we are now, back in Dapper’s house last night after Kenta had left and his daughter stopped trying to wake Z up. She was still a little unhappy that her father stopped her from pestering Z, but I told her that, if Z agreed, I’d see about trying to get him here on purpose while he was awake. That excited her, so we’ll see what happens. Dapper came out to find us trying to practice what we would do if we tried to get Z here. He called us weird and sent her off to play with her siblings while we talked. As usual I fell asleep shortly after that, because who cares about conversations?

Now, my real dream was very odd. It consisted of me, Z, Dapper and the Village Elder from frikkin Monster Hunter all gathering at this warehouse in the middle of a forest. The warehouse was almost totally reclaimed by the forest, with floors of grass and walls so infiltrated with vines and trees that it might as well have been entirely made of plants. There was a giant hole in the roof and a corresponding puddle underneath it. A school lunch table, also partly covered in plants, was near enough to the hole to benefit from the light, but far enough that it wouldn’t get completely soaked if it should rain. We all sat at this table and three people in military garb came up to us. I don’t really remember what was discussed, something about plans and a map and such. Then a monster blasted through a wall and into the warehouse. This had been planned, but Z and I didn’t know it. Dapper knew, but he wasn’t really pleased. Z, myself and two of the strangers went into action, we had to kill it. It was intense and scary, I had a bow and was the only distance fighter. I have no idea why none of us had guns, everyone had some archaic weapon. Predictably, Z had a pair of short swords. He likes the dual sword class in RPG’s and Monster Hunter.

We manage to kill this thing, but I had trouble. I’m actually a pretty decent distance fighter in RPG’s, but I don’t use a bow (I’m usually a healer) in games or IRL. That would be my sister’s class. I was terrified, and could barely aim or take the leaps necessary to get a better angle. Like, it was just a little too much like an anime. I dunno, maybe I played too much Monster Hunter last night. All I remember is Dapper telling me to stay calm and take a deep breath and focus. I also remember feeling awash in energy from behind me, ie, the sleeping Z. Sleep cuddles are apparently awesome for being warm and for protective energy. It was actually really distracting, because I kept half waking up. Methinks he enjoyed fighting the beastie.

Afterwards was this repeating sequence of me going to school on the bus. Now, this doesn’t sound too weird, except perhaps that it’s awfully calm after an epic battle. However, not only was I going to my high school, but even though it was supposedly 9 am it was dark out. Now, I don’t live in Antarctica during the winter, so even in the winter it’s light out by 9 am. However, despite being nighttime at nine, every time I got to school between 9:30 and 10 it would be daylight. On this bus ride I would be writing a blog post, including this one! Yes, I composed this in my dream and got up to write it for real. Now, the dream was realistic in that I was only going to school for my two lab classes, Chemistry and A&P. And like those classes the lab days were on Monday and Wednesday, though not at their real times. For some reason I always made it to Chemistry, but every time I went for A&P something got in my way and the teacher would lock me and any other latecomers out.

This went on for several “weeks”, where I would be on time, but then something would happen to keep me out of the room. The three or four times I made it was boring and full of being pissed at the teacher for finding ways to put me out. My IRL teacher would never be mean or cruel (in fact, she’s fucking awesome), but I just couldn’t seem to make it to lab. I made it to lecture, just not lab. In addition, my Chemistry teacher wasn’t the same either. IRL he’s a very extroverted and friendly person, while in the dream he was soft spoken and even a little shy. He would even let me leave a little early to try and make my A&P lab (which made no sense chronologically, but hey, who cares about the space-time continuum in dreams). I just couldn’t seem to get there though. Eventually I just gave up, I’d get a shitty grade anyway, no point in wasting so much energy on it. This is where the dream ends, with me on the bus to school and writing this blog post before Z waking up got me up too.

Normalcy, what is it?

Blessings and Dreams

Saturday started off fairly plain. Z and I got up late in the day, around noon (well, that was me, he did his lark thing and got up around 9). We discussed going out, and we discussed the budget and we discussed taxes. We had gone food shopping and did laundry on Friday. We had a little extra funds thanks to his fabulous budgeting skills, extra hours at work for me and the generosity of my sister and grandmother. We also talked about our taxes, because ya know, tax time and all that. Of course, my mom calling me earlier prompted me to check our mail since she had mailed my tax forms to me.

Well, I opened the envelope and found the tax forms and a third thing. At the same time, Z was paying our bills and went to check the car insurance.

“What the hell?”

I got up and walked around to his computer. “What’s wrong?”

“Umm, the bill is different.”

I looked, the number was fifty dollars lower than last month.

“What the fuck?”

“Yeah, I know.” Z said as he clicked around the website to find the recent statement.

The statement said the premiums went down because of his age. Well. To say we were happy is an understatement. We hadn’t been expecting that in the least. There was no indication that it would change, and we didn’t think it would until he turned 25 this year. Nice thing to be proven wrong about. I went back to continue opening my mail and Z took a look at the mysterious letter from my school that my mom had included in the envelope with my tax documents.

“That’s a check.”

“No it’s not. Why would it be a check?”

“I don’t know, but it looks like every check I’ve ever seen from a school.”

“I really don’t think it’s a check. What would they be sending me a check for?”

I opened it. I really should listen to him more. Cuz it was a check. For a pleasant number. We were very happy about that. We immediately started parsing out what we could use it for. There were things we hadn’t been able to get when we moved in. There was still a few food items left on our grocery list (and quite frankly there still are). We made a plan, and we promptly left the house to implement it.

Thanks to the extra money we have a new shrine table, big enough for both of us. Z is going to write about that and post pictures (if he ever squashes his inner designer and becomes satisfied with his wordpress long enough lol) as well as pictures of our rearranged bedroom. We also got a lamp, a computer desk for him, a coffee table and matching end tables. The coffee table and end tables were ones we had seen before, but they were way too expensive, but on Saturday we got them for less than 200$. It was sweet. We also got a statue of Anpu for me, and some personal things that you people don’t need to know about. With another magic check we could get a futon for the den and more pots, pans and baking pans, and maybe a table for the kitchen!

Everything went so perfectly on Saturday, even when we thought we had gotten screwed, that we’ve joked we should play the lottery with 3-8-14 as our numbers. Of course, we couldn’t everything done since we had such a late start to the day, so we went back out on Sunday and acquired more items (one of which was my statue). It was so nice. We also have two houseplants, Douglas and Dennis. They sit on the space we made for Dapper now that we have a shrine table. And yes I did give Douglas his name because Dennis and Dapper were already there. It is the table of D (which sounds really wrong XD). Pictures of them will appear eventually.

We also put all this furniture together, and we got some items for our akhu area. Luckily the table we bought to serve as a shrine has a second shelf, so my items for Elysia and items for Z’s great grandmother are there. And yes my cat is on my akhu shrine. It looks really nice. Z is enjoying praying with me, and I really enjoy him next to me. We still haven’t figured out who is poking at his brain (and Anpu seems to know, but won’t tell me) but it’s ok I think. As an amusing side note, I remembered that some of the gemstones I have are perfect for dreaming. Z complains sometimes about not having dreams or being unable to remember them. For an experiment I took my hematite, amethyst and lapis lazuli stones and put them under his pillow (with his permission) and this morning he told me about this vivid dream involving a little bird of fire that reminded him of a Pokemon.

He proceeded to make jokes about magic beads and magic beans. Essentially I should expect a magic dream beanstalk in the morning if he drools on them. Isn’t he silly? I mentioned that it could easily be a fluke, he does occasionally remember them. I also plan to put some more of my protective stones around. I had a very unpleasant dream last night.

It started off frustrated. I was being forced to take high school english and pre-calc to qualify for the next two college classes I needed. Nevermind that I passed both classes with good grades IRL, but the classes in question weren’t even 100-level college courses, these were like, 300-level. I don’t get it, but gods was I pissed off about it. Not only do I have to take this absolutely ridiculous nonsense to get into a junior level college class, but I couldn’t remember a lot of the pre-calc stuff and teenagers annoyed the shit out of me when I was a teenager. Now that I also realize how much of an emotional little shit I was (along with how awesome I was) and realize how prickish and shitty some teens can be even more, I can’t stand teens. And the teens in the class I was in? Gods I had never met such obnoxious little dicks. (Can you tell I was unhappy with this dream from the start?)

The teacher was very patient with me. She understood why I was frustrated, and understood the annoyance with the immaturity of the kids in the class. She reminded me of things I had forgotten and really smoothed the path. I stayed in the back of the class, quiet and focused. One boy in the front, he was clearly the best in the class, but he talked a lot and was extremely condescending to other students. For whatever reason the teacher made me change seats for a little while. I can’t remember what it was. Anyway, she asked me a difficult question that even the smartass didn’t really get. Essentially it was a question that only I could answer, because I was the only one who had the life experience and complex understanding to answer it. Not that anyone realized that because I can easily pass for a teenager in looks.

Anyway, I answered the question in depth and started a dialogue with the teacher and some of the students. Well, Sir Smartass had to butt in.

“Geez, would you shut up? You’re always fucking talking.”

I snapped on him. “Why don’t you shut up? I’m always in the back listening quietly. You’re the only one who talks so fucking much and thinks they know everything.”

He merely glared at me and I turned back to the teacher. Then time skip and it was nighttime and I was outside the school talking to the teacher. She was assuring me that I would be ok and soothing my rage at the insolence of the teens. She also talked to me about the test, saying that she was sure I’d do fine and get into my class. At this point a car pulled up and parked in front of the school. A man in vibrant African-like clothes walked past us and greeted us. We half ignored him before finishing our convo and the teacher going into the school. The man came near me as I started to walk away and said hello. I made a vague and only half polite greeting before he grabbed me.

Well, obviously I started screaming at the top of my lungs. He just laughed and laughed as I kicked and screamed and flailed. I knew what was going to happen, he was a human trafficker. Don’t ask me why I knew this, I just did. For whatever reason no one came to help, the street and the sidewalks were empty and I was screaming everything they teach you to scream when you’re getting snatched. You would think since my teacher had gone inside less than a second ago she would have heard, but no avail. Eventually I even tried biting and scratching my assailant. That didn’t work, no matter how hard or viciously I bit him his skin didn’t break or anything. He just kept on laughing and carrying me down the street. I don’t know why we didn’t go to his car, but I’m glad we didn’t.

Eventually we came upon some traffic, and by now I was getting frantic and exhausted. One of the cars stopped and I begged him to help me. For some reason I recognize this particular person’s face from real life, but I couldn’t place the name at the time. He flung his passenger door open and I managed to break free of the kidnapper and get in the car. My savior pulled out a gun to keep the kidnapper back and drove off. I was so exhausted that I barely heard him ask me if I had anyone to call before I passed out. I know I told him to call Z. I woke up in this guy’s apartment. He hadn’t touched me. He told me I should call my boyfriend again. Out of nervousness at being alone in a strange man’s place, everything I said included a reference to my having a boyfriend. I didn’t call Z, he did. I don’t know why. I also don’t know why I changed my clothes, but the guy had spare clothes out for me and allowed me to go back to sleep. I vaguely remember Z coming in and talking with the guy. Discussing me and what happened, and Z thanking him before coming in the room where I was dozing. The next clear thing I remember was being with Z and one of our other friends. Us and the guy were going to the airport to go somewhere. Apparently they all knew each other, but I still couldn’t connect the right name to this person’s face, but I knew (and know) that he is someone I know IRL.

It was disconcerting. I never had a dream like that. Most violent dreams I have are not at all possible IRL, but this one was too plausible. It also disturbs me that I wasn’t more cautious around this strange man at night, on an empty block. I don’t even know what would have happened if he had gone to his car or that person hadn’t helped me. We were in traffic in the middle of the street and only one person opened their door to help me. The kidnapper didn’t even have a weapon, he was just insanely strong and impervious to biting. I’m just hoping I don’t have another dream like that. I may need to start carrying weapons.

Anyway, Z is now bugging me to go to bed. Peace out yo.

Talking, Waiting and Stubbornness

Last night was interesting. Zolfyer prayed with me again, which was nice. He also made jokes about staying awake all night to watch me do shadow work. Right, cuz I totally teleport when I do shadow work. Dapper wasn’t (and isn’t) around right now, probably running errands and living his life. Unfortunately, Aset seems like She’s highly upset and pulling away. I don’t think I did anything, but I hope She comes back.

So, the first thing I noticed last night was I was still in the black room. Earlier in the day I had a strange experience between sleep and wakefulness. I was in the black room, laying on the floor, just as much asleep there as in my bed, and felt a piece of me come back. Weird ass sensation having a piece of yourself come back and merge with you. And my only reaction was to say to myself “ah, my ren has come back. I wonder, no, I don’t need to know it. It is unwise, it is what can unmake you.” And then I fell back asleep.

Well, when I went to bed I was in the same spot, arrow still there, box still next to me. Anpu came and sat next to me, and I proceeded to start an argument about which of us was more theatrical. Really, he presents himself as a very quiet and laid back deity and then he does all this theatrical nonsense like make a black room to parallel my knowledge of someone else’s astral travels. His response was essentially: good thing I can pretend to be whatever I want, you’re a pain in the ass, I regret pointing you to those two now that I know you were gonna turn into a pain. Of course, if he hadn’t pointed me out “those two” he would have a clueless and fearful devotee who would be behind and have no foundation. He called me even more of a pain in the ass. What happened to my not snarky god >.> where did all this snark come from?!

I did ask about Aset. He seemed troubled when I asked why She was angry. He said she wasn’t angry at me, but at him.

“She doesn’t seem to have much say.”

“She doesn’t, and she wants to. She wants to be a part of this, but I won’t let Her.”

“That doesn’t seem fair.”

“It isn’t.”

I turned away, wondering if I should press further. I poked at the box containing Z’s shard and felt it tugging at me. I opened the box and, weirdly enough, Z materialized. He was also still asleep. I couldn’t even imagine how he had managed to wiggle his way in this place while sleeping both in bed and in the temple. Anpu chuckled and muttered about stubbornness again.

I ignored the very strong desire to peer inside his ib. I couldn’t imagine what I’d see or sense if I looked in, considering the blast I felt simply by looking into a piece of it.

Z “woke up” then. He was definitely still asleep on this plane, but he was vaguely awake in the black room. He looked around and asked what was up.

“You’re in my room with Anpu and I. Are you gonna remember this?”

He blinked sleepily at me. Anpu shook his head.

“He probably won’t. He’s difficult.”

“How so?”

“He blocks his dreams. He wants answers to questions he needs to answer for himself.”

“He just wants confirmation.”

“Hmm, well it would be easier to confirm if he wasn’t afraid of his potential.”

“His potential?”

“He’s got strong potential, but he doubts it and fears it so much I don’t know what to do with him.”

“Well you’d doubt your potential too if no one taught you how to use it and you were told your whole life that it was dangerous except in very specific circumstances and even then it could still be dangerous and get your soul stomped on. Not to mention no one helped him understand it and were always giving conflicting messages.”

Before the Jackal could respond however, I felt a firm pressure on my shoulder like someone was grabbing me. I knew who it was, that angel from the night before. For some reason it elicits a very strong and aggressive emotion from me. I greatly dislike it, but I can’t place why. Just something in me wants to chase it off.

Be nice to it.” Anpu warned.

I held my tongue and rephrased what I was going to say. I still couldn’t restrain total rudeness.

“What do you want?” I asked it.

It smiled at me and waved me over to a random table with a large book on it. I walked over to examine the book. The pages were discolored and contained numerous pairs of names, all of them with pairs of numbers after them. Including Z’s and mine. (The format was Z-AR:44-59)

“What’s with them numbers? Is that like, the range of years before we die? We gonna die in our sixties or seventies?”

The seraph frowned, confused about how I got to that conclusion. No, why would I show you that? Why would you need to know when you’ll die?

“Well what am I supposed to think? It’s not like you talk to me. You don’t say anything.”

It smiled at me, showing me the numbers again. It really bothered me that our full names were in this book. The fact that every pair of names had the same numbers on these two pages bothered me as well. I was certain they were all different at first, but they all were starting to look like ours. I tried puzzling out the meaning of the numbers since those were clearly the most important.

Four is completion in Ancient Egypt. 4+4 is 8, divided by two is four. 5+9 is 14, which turns into five. But, if you add 8 to it you get 22, which becomes 4. So, if numerology is the point, then it’s a representation of completion, but, why is it a range? The one above it isn’t a range, it says 44:59 instead of 44-59. What’s the significance?

I shook the scene away. I couldn’t make heads or tails and for some reason all of this was making me angry and unsettled. Anpu said something about the word I’m supposed to be looking for, as well as now we’re waiting on my shut. Right, shadow, and the h word that’s related to it. Well, what the fuck is that anyway? I had never heard this word before, and I had searched for it. And yet oddly enough I was absolutely certain that I had heard such a word, but I couldn’t remember where. I fell asleep thinking of it.

Waking up this morning was unpleasant. I literally woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Z is goofy and silly and likes to do correspondingly silly and goofy things, like switching sides of the bed to see if I’ll have different dreams on his side. That was already disorienting, along with weird dialogue with myself about my shadow and waiting for it and being really frustrated about this mysterious word and those numbers. Then I haven’t had enough sleep for the last three days (my fault, but still) and I was getting up earlier than normal. I didn’t even get out of bed when my alarm went off. I had set it overly early on purpose because I’m an owl not a lark and move slow in the morning. Instead I cuddled with Z who was half asleep and more than happy to oblige said cuddling. I really didn’t want to get out of bed.

When I finally did get up I had the distinct and powerful sense that I was missing something. I needed something and not only could I not find it, but I didn’t know what it was. I was in a daze and couldn’t concentrate on much of anything. All I knew was that what I was missing was in my bedroom somewhere and that it was probably related to Z. The only clue was my brain repeating the line that you cannot do anything or go anywhere without your shut. Even when I managed to get my ass out of the house, trying to cross the threshold was difficult. I opened the door and couldn’t move. My whole being said go back, you can’t leave it behind. Going back in the room relieved the feeling, obviously it was in there. But I had to go to work. I was dizzy and spaced out for hours. Luckily my morning was an extremely easy start. I also noted that Aset seemed distant.

This is the last thing that’s bothering me. Aset. She hasn’t been happy since her argument with Sekhmet. This is the sort of thing that makes me wonder about all this. Do gods really act this way with humans? Do they really interact with each other like this? Am I really experiencing this, or is the fact that I am highly imaginative, easily bored and traumatized from past experiences creating these elaborate schemes? And if I’m not a total lunatic, well what the fuck is going on? Why is Aset so upset, why is she blocking me out? And, why is Anpu keeping her back? WHY IS DAY TWO SO HARD?

Prayer and Shadow Work

Yesterday Z asked if he could pray with me. Obviously I didn’t mind, especially since part of the reason he wanted to do so was to be supportive. It was fun, though I forgot to warn him that frankincense can make you loopy. He borrowed one of my free candles and prayed quietly while I made offerings of water and ma’at to Aset and Anpu. They were looking at him though. It didn’t occur to me why for several minutes as I made my basic prayers. I also didn’t notice Dapper nearby until later. Basically, all the Others in my house were paying attention to Z and it flew right over my head.

Afterwards I noticed he was taking a little while to pray, so I waited and then proceeded to ask Anpu if He wouldn’t mind helping Z with whatever it was he was praying for. Said Jackal said He didn’t mind and would think about it, but also had to ask “his maker”. I didn’t really know what to make of that. I knew Anpu wasn’t going to tell me anything about this “maker” because He had told me to mind my business the last time I asked about who was watching over Z.

Z and I talked for a little while with the candles and incense still burning when he was done praying. He revealed an interesting tidbit about his beliefs. I think it’s really cool. Essentially he feels like you should always pray with lit candles because the fire is alive. It represents the spirit’s life force and energy. He pointed to his candle which was flickering wildly and joked that he was mad at that one because obviously it had a lot to say. I mentioned that maybe everyone was talking to each other since Aset and Anpu’s candles were also wavering and flickering vigorously.

He then mentioned that he hoped the candle was Dapper. Well, Dapper was on the bed behind him so I asked him why he hoped it was the wolf. “Well I asked him for help.” Z proceeded to explain some of the things he had prayed about. Work, being unsure, trying to become sure (in his beliefs). Dapper likes Z so I didn’t think that would be a problem (though Dapper finds him to be a very strange human) and my gods were interested it seemed.

We talked for a little while longer, including my finally informing Z that frankincense has been scientifically shown to affect the brain a little like getting high (Z’s complaint about feeling “elevated” and spacy is what started that). He followed that with jokingly accusing me of trying to make him crazy. Finally we went to bed with him complaining that he was now cold with the candles put out, specifically his candle. Before bed I mentioned that Dapper would probably help, especially if he shared some food.

Z went to sleep quickly and true to His word, Anpu showed up. He grabbed my hand and pulled me right into the temple and towards one of the mystery doors. I immediately started looking for Dapper and calling to him. I even asked Anpu where he was. Dapper showed up, smiled at me and kept right on walking.

“He’s got other things to do. For you and Z. He did ask for help after all, you’ll be fine.”

I frowned at Anpu’s comment, but it stopped mattering at the door. It was completely dark beyond the doorway and I was frozen. Now it was in front of me, the start of my shadow work. I didn’t want to move.

“Come on, we have things to do.”

I stepped back. “I’m not ready.”

Anpu turned me around, to see the boring and empty space where I had been for the last year. I could see Aset watching us from the chair.
“Do you really want to spend more time here, in this boring place?”

I shook my head.

“Come on then.”

“I don’t want to.”

“I don’t care. I told you this was coming. I gave you warning. I didn’t even bother you when you slept earlier, I let you rest and you slept deeply.”

Z shifted in his sleep and pulled my attention back to this world for a moment. When I turned back to Anpu I was through the door. Dammit. I looked around and saw three corridors. One to the right, left and straight ahead. All were dark.

“Go on, follow your heart.”

Such a sappy thing to say, but I was a sappy person, so I started walking to the right. I thought to myself, of course, how nice, a labyrinth. The right corridor got light as a door appeared. Inside was, predictably, a labyrinth. However, it was one where the walls only went halfway up. You could see the entire thing and the other side. It was also small, about the size of an apartment. Whatever Dapper had to do it wasn’t so important that he didn’t show up for my first task. It was sweet that he was worried. On the other side of the labyrinth I could see a throne on some raised platform steps. You know what I mean, I just can’t describe it.

Instead of going through it, I climbed it. I could practically see Anpu covering his eyes in exasperation. Climbing the walls and walking across the top of them probably wasn’t how he saw me solving this puzzle. Maybe he expected me to whine or stand there trying to figure out the path for a minute before walking through, but I’m the sort of brat who would rather circumvent the rules. The whole “well you didn’t tell me I couldn’t do that!” excuse.

“Be careful.” Dapper said. He walked through the labyrinth so he could catch me if I fell.

“That’s kind of cheating isn’t it?” Anpu said.

“Nope. You didn’t say I had to walk through it.”

“It kind of is cheating though. You know how these work. You’re so damn stubborn.”

I got to the other side and jumped down. Dapper looked me over and walked through a door to the side of the throne. By the throne was a small fat Buddha statue. I picked it up.

“What’s with the fat Buddha?”

Anpu said nothing, and again my attention broke momentarily to check on Z. And again something changed when I turned back. The statue was a crown instead. I put it on my head and sang a song about being a pretty princess. I imagined an oversize robe and scepter like I had seen in an anime and sat on the throne. Then I unceremoniously chucked the crown to the floor. I was no princess.

“Why not?”

I turned to see Anpu sitting on the wall of the labyrinth. He shifted his form to better match one of my favorite representations of him, drawn by an artist on deviantArt.

“What? You like this one better don’t you?”

I ignored the second question. “I’m just not. I don’t deserve to be.”

“Why is that?”

I didn’t answer. I already knew where this was going.

“You’re thinking about high school already.”

“I had a lot of problems. I shouldn’t have even graduated. I didn’t try hard enough.”

“Really? You had other problems, you tried plenty hard.”

*some dialogue is redacted to protect privacy of myself and others*

“It’s hard, when you’re constantly told that you’re smart. Now you have to live up to the expectation, to stay smart, to be smarter and then maintain that.”

“You realize that your insistence that you didn’t try hard enough just illustrates that unjust pressure right? You did what you could.”

I lay down on the floor in a huff, picking at the gems on the crown.
“This isn’t even a proper princess crown. It isn’t pretty enough, it’s a generic boy’s crown.”

Anpu snorted, suppressing a laugh. “Gods you are spoiled. How are you so stressed?”

I ignored him, using a knife to pull the crown apart.

“You are a princess though.”

“How so?”

“Well, you’re my daughter aren’t you?”

I looked at him in confusion.

“You wanted me to be your Father right?”

I hadn’t asked Him that in a long time. I hadn’t thought about it very deeply either. He had never answered me on that point, so I let it go. He got up and spun a mirror into existence. He literally put his hands out like He was holding it, and the mirror spun into existence in the space. It was some cartoon nonsense for sure.

“How do you see yourself?”

I got up and looked in the mirror and was supremely startled at the reflection. This was the part where I began to wonder if I was really talking to Anpu, really starting shadow work, really in the astral. It was so…entertaining that I wondered if I should take this seriously or if I was just making shit up or getting conned. The mirror reflected not me, but a wolf. The wolf I always imagined myself as since I was a little kid, the one I always wanted to be. If I ever became a werewolf I would look like this. It was profusely confusing. I didn’t think Anpu knew how strongly I wanted that. Of course, magic mirrors being what they are, when I stepped back on the wtfness I was that wolf.

Anpu patted me on the head, an expression of pride on his face. He picked me up in His arms and walked out of the labyrinth, no physics necessary.

“Who am I?”

“The Royal Child.” I said. It had come to mind right before I asked, that one of His epithets was such.

“Well, don’t I also embalm the King?”

“Yeah.”

“So, what does that make you?”

Annoyed. I thought. He set me down outside and shooed me on. I couldn’t decide where to go next. There were things down all the halls that I needed to see, including a door in the labyrinth we just exited.

“Pick somewhere.”

I huffed. “Don’t rush me.”

After literally spinning in a circle trying to decide where to go I decided on going back down the hall towards the original door. I could come back to that door in the labyrinth room later. The hall didn’t exactly pass the original door back to the temple. It did, but it was blurry and backlit with white light. I couldn’t go through it even if I wanted to. I made a right down the hall directly in front of said door and found Z. It was vastly unexpected. He wasn’t moving, and I ran around him checking for any issues or injuries.

“Keep going.” Anpu urged me.

“I can’t, he can’t be alone here. What if he gets lost?”

“Dapper is nearby, besides he can’t move. He is safe.”

I curled around Z’s feet for a few minutes before getting up and continuing down the hall. I tried not to fret, Dapper had been nearby. I found myself in a room and regained my human form. Inside this room was a screen. It was completely dark and various slides were flickering across it, all of them showing a woman and child shortly after birth, though each was different.

“Planning on showing me some past life stuff?” I asked as I examined the pictures, recognizing myself and [privacy] in the photos.

“Yes, but I haven’t decided yet.” Anpu said.

Then a giant steel arrow hit me in the chest. This was yet another moment when I questioned my sanity and the events. It’s just so over the top to me. Which is really a ridiculous thing to think because I’ve honestly heard about even more “ridiculous” proceedings before. It didn’t hurt per se, and the arrow was very pretty (can you see my priorities). I didn’t really know what was going on, I was just startled and on the floor. So startled that I got knocked back to this realm (the fact Z was stirring in his sleep didn’t help). I managed to reconnect and felt my mind dripping through the floor with my blood. Anpu was in the room below, and I said to him that this doesn’t seem much like shadow work. It wasn’t supposed to be fun and painless right?

He frowned, annoyed by that for some reason. He grabbed me and yanked me and my body through the floor/ceiling and let me fall roughly by his feet. It was majorly uncomfortable, especially since the arrow came with, but it wasn’t exactly painful. The most painful thing about it was having my brain so roughly shoved back into my body.

“Better?”

I glared at him, rubbing my chest underneath the arrow.

“What’s with the arrow?” I asked, looking around the room. There was no door, nor were there windows. It was black and dark, with a weird false light that made it possible to see without fire. There was also a black bookshelf and a couch. An amorphous table and TV were in here too, shifting in and out of existence.

“It’s to hold you together.”

“Huh?”

“The soul is made of multiple parts remember? The ren, the ib, the ka, the ba, and the shadow.”

“You had every word except for shadow.”

“Yes, go look it up, I want you to know these things.”

I thought about where I had last seen the word for the shadow. Someone’s blog. Anpu nodded, confirming that I could find it there.

“You have a bad habit of splitting yourself off when you’re in pain. That’s not very useful for shadow work. You can’t repair yourself if your soul is in pieces.”

“Oh. I didn’t know I did that.”

“Writer’s tend to do that a lot. You can create worlds for your pain-ridden pieces to go. Your feelings become your characters. You don’t have to feel them.”

“I see.”

“Shattering yourself is why you sometimes can’t feel like you want to or don’t understand what you’re feeling or why. Some other piece has the information, but it’s off somewhere else.”

“Interesting. So, what are we doing here?”

“Waiting.” Anpu said, sitting on the couch.

I sat next to him, feeling awkward that this giant arrow adjusted itself to not be in the way of sitting.

“For what?”

“Your soul pieces to come back. Other people have them.”

“Really?”

“Some were taken, but most you gave away. It isn’t so strange, everyone has a piece of some other person’s soul.”

“Hmm, what about [name redacted]? Does he have a piece of my soul?”

“Your interesting gay friend? Yes, of course. You have a piece of his too.”

I giggled. He was my interesting gay friend, but hearing anyone, much less a god, refer to him that way was funny. I examined the arrow as my thoughts turned to someone else.

“What about Z?”

“He has many pieces. He also tries to give you his ib. He doesn’t know he’s doing that. He breaks himself up a lot too.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“His ib holds all of him together. He doesn’t understand this, so I stop him. You realize the arrow is through your ib don’t you? The center of your soul that holds all the pieces together. Only I can take whole ibs.”
Anpu then handed me what looked to be a glass shard. It was brown on one side and perfectly reflective on the other. I knew exactly what this was, as soon as I touched it. It was a piece of Z, and although the reflection looked normal, I caught a glimpse of how he saw me by looking at myself in it. Even just that second was overwhelming. I pressed it to my chest protectively. I could never let anything happen to this.

“He’s very stubborn. He insists that you at least have a piece.”

I looked at Anpu, feeling overwhelmed and frazzled. There were no words to describe the wave of feelings that I sensed by looking at myself through Z’s shard.

“How can I protect this? I need to keep it safe.”

Anpu handed me a box from off the black bookshelf. “Put it in this.”

I took the box and placed the shard inside. The box was cushioned and lined with soft, red fabric. Anpu had already placed protective spells all over it and I whispered over the box. I have no idea what I said, it was more direct emotion and what little knowledge I had of protective magic and symbolism.

I hugged the box to my chest, knowing I would never let anything happen to it. Anpu shook his head, muttering something about stubborn humans. I told him to shut up because it was hardly mere stubbornness from either of us.

Our dialogue was interrupted by a sudden pain I had. I usually don’t have strong physical sensations from an incorporeal being’s presence, but this time I did. It was a pressure against my head and back and I rolled over to check on Z who was still asleep behind me. I embraced him and could “see” him standing in front of a being with a shifting form. It’s form settled on that of a seraphim, with wings covering its face and feet. They were talking and the angel hugged him and turned to me. It smiled at me, saying nothing. I asked what it wanted and told it to leave Z alone. For some reason I thought it was trying to guilt Z’s soul into staying attached to a religion that didn’t help him.

“Don’t disrespect it. Leave it alone, it means no harm.” Anpu said from behind me.

I did as bidden and stayed quiet. I realized I still had the box in my hand, and the arrow through me. I was back on the astral. The angel did eventually leave, with one last smile to me. Anpu commented that for someone with so much patience I could be rather short tempered. I told him my patience is only for kids and He could stuff it.