I’ve been thinking about religion all week. Not in any significant detail mind you, but I just have. I’ve also been a bit frustrated about several things, work, school, conversations with my mom, and not being able to go to shrine. Work itself is not frustrating, it’s actually surprisingly fun, but I dunno, I guess I’m just frustrated that I have to go this route. I don’t know. School is going to be starting soon, which is fine, but I can tell the only reason I’ll go to saturday class is because it’s the psych class. Nevertheless, I now have three classes, which I’m happy about and they’re all online.
I won’t comment much on the frustrating conversations with my mom except that I know she’s only saying most things out of love, though if she keeps talking shit about TB I will have to cut her deep. I’m really very annoyed that she keeps disparaging him and not even with good logic. It’s just, I don’t even know, but she rarely just says good things and leaves it that way, she’s always got to toss something negative in there or say everything negative. Like, is she trying to get me to hate and resent him? Because it seems that way. The whole issue Z and I are going through with money and jobs is just giving her more perceived ammo that she’s trying to use to “protect” me. I don’t know what her problem is but I’m sick of dealing with this two-faced bullshit and vitriol she spews out about Z and about our relationship. Newsflash ma, Z is not my dad, I am not you and we both have different desires, agreements, expectations and reasoning on a variety of subjects than you. Just because I ask you for money instead of him doesn’t mean that we have a dynamic where I can give him money but he can’t give any to me. He hates being penniless and taking money from me and most of the time when he has money I get almost anything I ask for. So shut up.
Anyway, I may need to talk to the Jackal about how best to handle my mother and talk to her. Last night I was thinking vaguely about my shrine and Anpu and got the nudge that He wanted to talk. Ok, He often nudges that He wants to talk but I often don’t know the best way to hear what He’s saying. I wanted to talk too so I wasn’t opposed to trying something. I went upstairs and pulled out my tarot cards and basically said “what’s up?”
Well that tarot conversation was very interesting. It was also quite revealing. Anpu said a lot there. Apparently, I should not worry about the future, the material future, because it is secure. Whatever is supposed to happen will happen regardless of what I might have in mind or could ask about. Even when I asked for elaboration I received the same card as well as the eight of cups. Now, the eight of cups is about turning away from the material to focus on the spiritual, so basically “don’t fret over the mundane stuff, that’s already been taken care of and will happen regardless, it is secure, so focus on the spiritual.” When I asked Him to elaborate on how I should focus on the spiritual, I basically got don’t get caught up and tripped up by trivial things, be creative and be patient. And then I got be patient for wisdom and understanding. Creativity seems to be the main way I’ll improve my spiritual life. I got four Major Arcana during this conversation, The Star, The Sun, The Empress and The High Priestess, all related to this thing about focusing on the spiritual and not worrying about the mundane.
I then asked why Z can’t get a job. Well, I was told just two things about that situation, he’s supposed to be learning about The Star, and to mind my business. I had the Seven of Swords tossed at me when I tried to press, basically if I keep trying to find out I’ll be stealing his learning from him. Somehow, I don’t know. Either way the best intentions are at work here. Well, now to think of creative ways to focus on my spirituality I guess? I don’t even know where to start though lol Well, I guess I’ll have to figure it all out.