Jackal Tarot

I’ve been thinking about religion all week. Not in any significant detail mind you, but I just have. I’ve also been a bit frustrated about several things, work, school, conversations with my mom, and not being able to go to shrine. Work itself is not frustrating, it’s actually surprisingly fun, but I dunno, I guess I’m just frustrated that I have to go this route. I don’t know. School is going to be starting soon, which is fine, but I can tell the only reason I’ll go to saturday class is because it’s the psych class. Nevertheless, I now have three classes, which I’m happy about and they’re all online.

I won’t comment much on the frustrating conversations with my mom except that I know she’s only saying most things out of love, though if she keeps talking shit about TB I will have to cut her deep. I’m really very annoyed that she keeps disparaging him and not even with good logic. It’s just, I don’t even know, but she rarely just says good things and leaves it that way, she’s always got to toss something negative in there or say everything negative. Like, is she trying to get me to hate and resent him? Because it seems that way. The whole issue Z and I are going through with money and jobs is just giving her more perceived ammo that she’s trying to use to “protect” me. I don’t know what her problem is but I’m sick of dealing with this two-faced bullshit and vitriol she spews out about Z and about our relationship. Newsflash ma, Z is not my dad, I am not you and we both have different desires, agreements, expectations and reasoning on a variety of subjects than you. Just because I ask you for money instead of him doesn’t mean that we have a dynamic where I can give him money but he can’t give any to me. He hates being penniless and taking money from me and most of the time when he has money I get almost anything I ask for. So shut up.

Anyway, I may need to talk to the Jackal about how best to handle my mother and talk to her. Last night I was thinking vaguely about my shrine and Anpu and got the nudge that He wanted to talk. Ok, He often nudges that He wants to talk but I often don’t know the best way to hear what He’s saying. I wanted to talk too so I wasn’t opposed to trying something. I went upstairs and pulled out my tarot cards and basically said “what’s up?”

Well that tarot conversation was very interesting. It was also quite revealing. Anpu said a lot there. Apparently, I should not worry about the future, the material future, because it is secure. Whatever is supposed to happen will happen regardless of what I might have in mind or could ask about. Even when I asked for elaboration I received the same card as well as the eight of cups. Now, the eight of cups is about turning away from the material to focus on the spiritual, so basically “don’t fret over the mundane stuff, that’s already been taken care of and will happen regardless, it is secure, so focus on the spiritual.” When I asked Him to elaborate on how I should focus on the spiritual, I basically got don’t get caught up and tripped up by trivial things, be creative and be patient. And then I got be patient for wisdom and understanding. Creativity seems to be the main way I’ll improve my spiritual life. I got four Major Arcana during this conversation, The Star, The Sun, The Empress and The High Priestess, all related to this thing about focusing on the spiritual and not worrying about the mundane.

I then asked why Z can’t get a job. Well, I was told just two things about that situation, he’s supposed to be learning about The Star, and to mind my business. I had the Seven of Swords tossed at me when I tried to press, basically if I keep trying to find out I’ll be stealing his learning from him. Somehow, I don’t know. Either way the best intentions are at work here. Well, now to think of creative ways to focus on my spirituality I guess? I don’t even know where to start though lol Well, I guess I’ll have to figure it all out.

2 am Tarot

So, today I was having a crisis (not technically “today” since it started around 1am). One of my friends is in dire need right now, and there’s not much more I can do to help. She’s in a suicidal state and I’m afraid I may lose her. There will be a phone call in the morning to check on her, but there’s only so much I can do now. However, this means sleep is not forthcoming. As such, I grabbed my tarot cards.

Now, it’s a replacement deck because my last Shadowscapes essentially committed seppuku. I don’t know why they didn’t like me, that deck just never gave me anything useful or nice or at least sensical. So, I bought a replacement deck. The difference lies in the details however, because my original deck I purchased online, but my replacement deck I bought at a metaphysics shop. It was surrounded by other decks, incense, books, and various items of spirituality and tended by a staff of caring people with caring owners. It’s very lovely and very friendly. I’m glad I bought it there. I decided to take cues from SatSekhem and use them to communicate with Anpu, and later Set and probably Sekhmet, as well as just for myself with no particular deity being bothered. It will be multipurpose until I can afford other decks. It doesn’t seem to mind so far.

I grabbed it with the explicit purpose of talking with Anpu. I was upset (still am) and needed to be sure that I heard Him clearly when asking Him my questions. And quite frankly I was slightly surprised and very, very happy when He responded very clearly. I asked what was the best way for me to help my friend through her crisis, and I got a realistic answer: be honest and truthful, be vigilant, be ready to draw on inner strength. I asked again and got a pretty similar answer. He wasn’t making promises in this situation, which I can appreciate.

Out of frustration, I asked if He loved me and cared about me. Then I went to shuffle and it failed. I bridge my cards, that’s how I learned to shuffle, that’s how I always shuffle. As anyone who shuffles this way knows, it doesn’t always work, the cards don’t overlap or they won’t push together and you have to pull them apart and try again or they go all over the place. Well, I fail shuffled in the former way. I also noticed I was shuffling the cards face up, and saw two cards and instinct went that’s His answer.

My question: Do you love me? Do you care?

My answer: Yes. King of Swords, Six of Cups.

King of Swords says: “like the vertical sword he holds at the ready, he is a pillar of strength and morality. A warrior king, his sword is always drawn, and he is prepared to spring into action.”

My mind and heart immediately went YES THAT’S IT. Anpu is telling me yes, that He will be like the king of swords.

Six of Cups says: “a reminder of childhood innocence, good intentions, noble impulses, simple joys and pleasures.” I am still trying to puzzle this one out honestly, but I get the feeling that Anpu is implying He’s been around for a while in my life.

I took some time to think and calm down and be comforted by the clear and direct answers I just got before repeating the first question I had. How do I help my friend? Queen of Cups, Seven of Cups and Ten of Pentacles. Still torn on how to interpret those cards.

So I chilled out some more and decided to ask a different question, for myself. “How do I improve my relationship with TB and make sure it’s happy and healthy for the very long term (specifically, until we die)?” I did this reading three times.

Ace of Swords, Knight of Swords, Six of Swords

Page of Swords, Two of Pentacles, Ace of Swords

Five of Swords, Two of Pentacles, Ace of Swords

Obviously the Ace of Swords had something to say to me! XD So, I sat it aside and asked it “what truth are you trying to reveal?” (or rather, what truth is being obstructed?). I drew the Ten of Wands, which is about overextending, being overwhelmed, doing things the hard way. Being thoroughly baffled I asked if this card was saying that this overextension and overwhelming was obstructing my long term relationship happiness. I drew the King of Cups. Ok, seems I’m on to something, since the King of Cups is about wisdom and understanding and patience. I asked how can I remove the obstacles to a healthy, happy relationship with TB and drew the Nine of Wands. Vigilence.

Temperance also jumped out during a shuffle fail while I was thinking of the question. The Two of Pentacles runs along a similar vein as Temperance, both cards are about balance and flexibility. Temperance, specifically, says: “harmony and equilibrium, balancing of opposites, healing. Moderation of extremes, self-restraint, harnessing absolute forces and reining them in to be wielded for a purpose. Holding opposites apart from one another denies their power of unity.” So yeah. It seems to be suggesting a lot, I’m still not sure how to interpret all of it, especially with the Page, Six and Five of Swords mixed in, but it seems helpful what I’ve gleaned so far.

Did another reading, this time with the question “How can I ensure a long, healthy, happy relationship with TB?” Got King of Pentacles, The Emperor, and, guess what, Ace of Swords. I asked it “what’s the obstacle in the way of the truth you’re trying to reveal?” and drew, the Wheel of Fortune. Umm, can someone tell me why I’m getting all these major arcana? O.o

King of Pentacles: “He(referring to the card) is an enterprising individual, a man possessing multifarious talents. He has the golden touch of Midas.” (TB is a lot like the King of Pentacles, but I’m not sure if I should apply this to him since I was asking what could do to make things go well.)

The Emperor: “Creating order out of chaos, authority, leadership, strength, establishing law and order. The Emperor is a man rooted in his ways and views and regimens but confidant that this is the right structure and way of things.”

Wheel of Fortune says:”Destiny–the weaving of life’s threads coming together, fate, turning points, movement and change, patterns and cycles, an interconnected world.”

I asked the Ace of Swords again “what is the truth you’re trying to reveal?” and got Ten of Pentacles.

Ten of Pentacles: “Enjoying affluence and being able to appreciate luxury and the good fortune that has befallen you. The ultimate in worldly success, the result of long-term efforts.”

Finally I asked the Ace of Swords “how is the Wheel of Fortune a hindrance to the Ten of Pentacles? How is it an obstacle?” and drew The Hermit.

The Hermit: “Being introspective, seeking solitude, withdrawing from the world and giving or receiving guidance.”

Still baffled, I asked the Ace what this meant for my relationship. The Seven of Wands fell out face up when I was shuffling and I drew the Ace of Pentacles.

Seven of Wands: “Take a stand, defend what you believe in. The world is full of strife and stiff competition and one must have the courage in facing the difficulties that come.”

Ace of Pentacles: “The possibility of prosperity, abundance and security. It is the promise of wealth and well-being, of flourishing and of reaping the rewards of hard work.”

I think, for now, I’ll hold off on the interpretations. If any of you have any ideas, feel free to have a go at it 😀 but, I see positive things in the future, so that gives me hope and some ease.

Roars are for Chumpchange

I want you to know now, the title is completely nonsensical. I expect you to realize that, but just in case, it’s not supposed to make sense lol So, got back into the paying attention to my god thing. Yeah, I totally got chastised too, Anpu didn’t say anything, but I definitely felt a massive amount of annoyance that I made a big fuss and then kinda ignored Him for a while. Can’t say much, I’m totally in the wrong for that one. I also had a distinct feeling that He was also angry over something completely unrelated to me. Still a little curious about it, but I really don’t have much desire to ask. Got a replacement Shadowscapes deck, this one seems more likely to actually like me. I was thinking maybe I could use them to communicate with Anpu better. I doubt it would hurt, though I suppose the next question would be how would I know I’m doing it right XD Either way I plan to dedicate it to Anpu anyway, what harm could it do, He’s a liminal deity :3

My sleep patterns aren’t getting any better, in fact they’re worse, seeing as how I woke up at 4pm today. I’m not happy about that at all and honestly the craptastic sleep is not restful and is making me feel less connected to reality. And have a headache. The dream I had was also very strange. It started with me in Philly, talking to my mom about being bored and my deciding to make a day trip to Baltimore, Maryland. Now, this is ignoring that in real life I a) don’t have a car (and I didn’t in the dream either, I think I took the train or something) and b) would never make a day trip like that by myself. Also, this dream was set in winter, while it’s not even cold here yet.

So, I go to Baltimore and revisit some streets and such that I’ve seen before (I have actually been to Baltimore and DC. I was actually in DC, not Baltimore, but I kinda do conflate the two a teeny bit). I was looking for a street in particular that I liked being on IRL, but couldn’t find it. Instead I found a coworker (who I had read on the internet in my dream had moved there) rather unexpectedly. She was in a park-like area that I was passing through and I said hi and talked with her. She told me that she didn’t move there but found a job there, though she still lived in Philadelphia. I was shocked that she made a three hour trip to work every day and she said that for her it was only an hour. She didn’t know why, it just was. I decided to go with her to her job which wasn’t far away, along with six of her coworkers who all got into her car. Now, in real life this person’s car is a four door sedan, not a sedan on the outside, eight seats on the inside like her dream car was.

The ride was a bit tight because we all were wearing winter coats and I was cold too. We somehow got on the topic of soup and continued the discussion when we all got out at the destination. I walked around with them, looking into the classrooms (they are all teachers) and exploring the school they worked in before I decided I really should go and get to where I had wanted to before going home. My coworker offered to give me a ride back to Philly when she was done work and I accepted. Now, for some reason, Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory was there, and he was fussing about that offer and the soup conversation we had had as well as the agreed time I should be back. I was talking about lentil bean soup, potato soup, or mixed vegetable soup to have and then Sheldon said I should be back by six. One of the other women said something about why that was a bad idea, I don’t remember what, and he was like “fine, eight then”. I looked at my watch to see that it was already six o clock anyway.

I turned to leave, thinking about how to make the ride back more comfortable, especially since I wanted to eat soup in the car, when I saw two men dressed like gladiators of sorts coming towards me, followed by monsters. I don’t know what they were, don’t really care, it wasn’t in focus anyway and they weren’t scary. I know, I know, I say monsters and then comment on how unscary they were.  The dream focuses on them coming towards me, away from the magically appearing river at the bottom of the hill I and the school were on. I think I followed them, but I’m not sure.

The gladiators turn back towards the river, they were trying to get away from something and go home. I don’t know what the something was (it wasn’t the monsters, though I’m also not sure why the monsters were following them either) or why they were trying to get away from it. I just know the gladiators were tired and trying to go home. They have this raft/boat thing and get in the river, which was cold and rough. Eventually they capsize and are trying to hold on tight to their sinking boat and they hit a large sandbar with trees and rocks. The bigger gladiator grabs his friend and manages to get both of them on the bank only to find that his friend is dying.

Hypothermia and an infection coupled together are killing the other gladiator and have allowed him to get “possessed” and turned into a monster. The bigger gladiator doesn’t know what to do, he can’t save his friend, but he wants to try. He leaves the other to finish crossing the river and find help, but the friend dies and turns into the monster. I don’t know what it’s called, it was repeated several times in the dream, but I lost it when I woke up. Anyway, he looks “normal” but he has blue skin, wings and a tail and probably small horns. Later in the dream I find out he can turn into a snake.

So, his friend comes back to find that he’s already transformed into a monster and is very upset and leaves again, going home at the angry behest of his now monstrous friend. I really have no idea what’s going on after this, since I usually lose dialogue when I wake up. The gladiator goes home, which is strangely modern, but still temple-like (and I’m pretty sure there’s hieroglyphs on the walls O.o). Some scenes include being in his personal room with a female who I think may be afraid he’ll rape her even though he has no intention or desire to harm her in any way. Then going back into a large room with a small bath (it’s somewhat jacuzzi like in that it’s recessed into the floor and has a decorative wall around it and lights in it) ministaircase leading to the majority of the space, and several doors leading to different parts of the structure. The gladiator and woman are talking about something, probably trying to gain her trust and assure her that he’s not a threat as well as explaining his current pains, like losing his friend.

Said friend appears from nowhere as a large snake, not a cobra though. I don’t think he was venomous, but he was there and was angry. He chastised the gladiator for leaving him behind to die and lamented his horrid fate, which the gladiator felt awful for. They had a productive conversation though and I woke up soon after as they argued some more.

Why can’t I have normal dreams like falling off a building or flying or something? At least I could figure out what the fuck they mean >.>

It Just Can’t Be Easy Can It?

So, today I decided I’d pull out my tarot cards. I haven’t bothered them in ages, and I was feeling better than my post from a couple of days ago. See here for details. Anyway, I take the cards out, bring them downstairs, only to notice that one of the cards is severely stained.

This is the most damaged card…

I start separating to see how many other cards have been damaged, only to find that they’re stuck together. Three stuck together, two stuck together, four stuck together. In total, fourteen cards were stuck together. The one above is my Seven of Pentacles. The second most damaged card is Four of Swords. which was completely stuck. It was like they were one card. The others were only stuck at a corner, maybe two, though one set was stuck at three. But, they were severely damaged when pulled apart.

Here’s the Four of Swords. I had to pen the title at the bottom because I could barely read the original text

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I have no idea what happened to them. I bought a box for their safekeeping and that box seems to have turned on me, because that purple stain on the first card is from said box’s lining. These are the beautiful Shadowscapes Tarot deck and I’m very upset they’ve been damaged, especially because I have no money to replace them. It sucks. As an added bonus they cards ended up warped, though that’s been mostly remedied by a solid book and change jar. I just don’t understand why Tarot cards seem to hate me. I did a spread with them, despite their state, a spread I read about in this blog article to try and figure out what the Deck Spirit is like and what it’s good and not good at.

I know these aren’t great pictures, but the cards are a tad on the large side. The vertical column of three is supposed to be the Deck Spirit’s personality, while the center card is what the deck is good at and the end card is what it’s bad at. The two extra cards making a second row are clarification cards for the center “What I’m good at” card. I’ll tell you what each card is.

At the very top in the personality column is the Nine of Wands. The card under it is the Ten of Cups, followed by the Two of Pentacles. This suggestions a bit of a jovial spirit, one who is vigilant and flexible.

The center card which says what the deck is good at is the Two of Swords. Completely baffled here as the booklet says this card represents a stalemate, an impasse, and a denial of truth. I’m not sure what this means. Perhaps it’s good for conflicts? Or perhaps a conflict somewhere in me or the house (and its spirits) or the Deck Spirit(s) blocks its power? I have no idea.

The card which says what the deck isn’t good at is the Three of Wands. Now, the booklet’s description of this card reads as follows: “Explore, seek out the uncharted, expand your horizons. Take a long view of situations, and express leadership.” I really don’t know what this says about what the deck is bad at. Perhaps it’s not good for seeing the future?

Now, the clarification cards I pulled for the Two of Swords are the Knight of Pentacles and the Four of Cups. Once again, the booklet descriptions are not exactly the most enlightening in this context. The Knight is described as a conqueror. He knows exactly what he’s after and where it is and once he gets there he uses all the power at his disposal to take it. The Four speaks of introspection and being too deeply absorbed in oneself, so much so that everything else fades.

I can’t decide if this is a direct dig at me by the cards or what. I’m totally thrown and clueless here.

As an upside though, I was able to get some quiet time to sit with Sekhmet and the Jackals in shrine today. I have a reed diffuser that I haven’t used yet, it’s patchouli and jasmine, so I put a couple drops of the oil on Their candles and prayed for a bit and offered Them water. I don’t know what else to do really, because I’m not allowed to bring food upstairs and I don’t need ants. I’m also not much for “formal” ritual, in other words all the actions and such. I might start swiping some liturgy from Eternal Egypt or something. I’m still road blocked on writing poetry for the Jackals and Sekhmet. If anyone has any thoughts, comments, questions, or concerns on either this or the cards, I’d be more than happy to hear them!

This is the Post that Killed Me

So, I’ve fought with this blog post for like, three or four days. It’s not that what I want to talk about is particularly troublesome or anything, no, it’s just that my brain would go bleh when I sat down to write it. Trying to force the issue never helped, so alas it stuck around for a couple of days as an abstract concept. In the meantime, I have a scarf to finish crocheting as a gift to a friend, a stuffed animal to make for Nephew, and something abstract that I haven’t decided yet to make for Anpu. That last one just got added on as I was writing, I’m assuming He wants one lol

Anyway, back to reality, I recently received an oracle reading from a great blogger who is a follower of Hecate. Here it is: “You recognize your weakness before your strength, that’s your first, most limitating boundary. Look deeper into that issue that concerns you and change your angle- you will find  that the door you persist in believing locked is anything but. There’s no limits in there but those you imposed on yourself. Move past that mindset and the key will appear evident and fully into your reach.”

I’m still wrapping my head around that. I’m tempted to ask for clarification, but not only do I not want to pester SBC, I’m also aware that deities are not the sort to just hand over all the answers most of the time. Sometimes they make it really obvious, but that’s hardly the norm. I know the oracle seems rather straightforward, but I’ve no idea what Hecate is actually referring to as the locked door. I already know the first sentence, that’s something I’m aware of and have been for a long time. It’s the rest that boggles me. I had like ten questions I really wanted to ask, but I didn’t, because it’s ten questions and I wasn’t the only one waiting for an oracle XD so I went with “just whatever She can think of”. Yeah, and I got that lol

I was thinking of asking Wepwawet or Anpu, but Wepwawet likes to be cryptic too, mainly because it amuses Him. I guess I just don’t want to bother Anpu with it. I’m not sure, I just haven’t bothered I guess. Quite frankly I’m still working on getting to know the Jackals and I don’t want to be asking a million and ten questions just because I’ve got Their ears. Which, I guess is a bit ironic since asking questions is how you get to know people. Ugh, I’m really terrible at this aren’t I? I wish this were easier, or perhaps that I wasn’t so insecure that I’m doing things wrong. It’s hard because I’m easily excited and as such try and be skeptical about perceived answers and such. That and I get a lot of negative thoughts in my head and I don’t want to mistake them as being from a higher being. And I’m talking negative like doubts and a variety of depressed thoughts.

That’s actually why I no longer use my Tarot cards. I keep getting these super negative readings from them and I honestly don’t know why. I’m actually about to start looking for cleansing rituals and such for the cards and the house in general that don’t involve incense because of this. Speaking of which, if anyone has any suggestions I’d welcome them. I can’t use incense in the house, everyone who lives here has sensitive noses, allergies, and asthma. Incense is a no-no as much as I’d love to have some. Maybe the problem is the ghosts in the house. If you’ve read some of my other posts you’ll know that my great-grandparents and my grandfather all float around the house when they feel like it. They also were devout Christians in life, so it is possible that they aren’t very happy about my choice of spiritual path. In life they weren’t really the sort to interfere in the sense of making threats or whatever, but as far as I know they were all about telling you the bad things that could happen.

I doubt they like my Tarot cards or my gods coming in the house. I wasn’t having most of these problems before my first tarot deck, so perhaps that is a reason? Who knows, I just want to be left alone to be happy with my boyfriend and my gods and have happy relationships with my family and friends.

See, and part of the reason this weirdness going on in my house sucks is because it’s hard enough for me to get things going. I’m getting acquainted with deities, I’m trying to find a job, I have bills to pay and trying to save, and I have a relationship to not implode. As an added bonus I’m getting re-interested in divination, but I don’t trust my Tarot or pendulum to be helpful because past experience says they aren’t consistent or trustworthy. I don’t really know what to do, and I don’t want to be a pest to my Jackals. After all, we’re still getting acquainted and I’m already running my mouth over the job situation. I know They care, I practically hear the rolling eyes at this neurotic 20-year old girl running in circles like she’s being chased by bees in a flower field. I know, but I’m still running in circles and don’t know how to stop.