Frustration

I’m very frustrated right now. My health is back and forth rather constantly the last month. I’m not even sure what it could be anymore, although currently MS fits the bill best. Sometimes though, I do wonder if it’s all in my head. Is that such a bad thing? No, not necessarily, but if it isn’t and I ignore it, well that’s a bad thing. My symptoms mostly just don’t add up, or they wax and wane so erratically that I can’t necessarily make heads or tails of them. What’s important? What’s just random? Will this particular symptom stay? Is this a product of insomnia, or albuterol, heat or just because I’m thinking about it? For example, increased heart rate, blood pressure and trembling, albuterol side effects that I’ve had before and readily recognize. Sometimes though, they’re there anyway, even though I haven’t used my inhaler or had any caffeine. Even then, my shaking isn’t usually this bad unless I used my nebulizer, and I haven’t used that thing in literally two years. It actually needs to be replaced. So why is it so much more intense lately? I don’t know.

Then there’s this whole religion thing. I’ve been too tired or sick lately to really get much of anything from anyone. I wish it would rain, I’ve been having a hell of a lot more clarity and calm when it’s rained ever since I started trying to connect more with the weather and water as a whole. I’m also reminding myself that one can be Kemetic without the gods, not that I necessarily want to be godless. I’ve spent several mornings greeting Heqat and Qebechet, because why not? One is my good friend’s “grandmother” and the other is one I’ve always been interested in. Maybe I’ll just surround myself with ladies, because I also thought of Serket. It makes me think of an old dream where four or five goddesses were watching me walk through a corridor. They were observing me like scientists, but also guiding me.

Earlier in the month, I had a dream about carnelian beads, a prayer necklace with a pendulum at the end. I have no idea what the thing as a whole means, but certainly not with the pendulum. I own a pendulum, but it’s quartz, not copper or gold (could have been bronze, it was yellow-y and metal, I dunno) like the dream necklace. There were also statues of a fox, wolf and Anpu. His statue wasn’t the focus, and it was above my head, something important to me because, as a short person, I’m more likely to look down for something than up. I often find things on a lower shelf than taller people and look under things first. They often see things over my head. Basically, it means he’s staying out of the way, where I won’t see him. I only just now thought of this because I was remembering grocery shopping this weekend and completely missing things I was looking for because they were on a top shelf. The fox and wolf statues though, they were just above eye level, where I frequently look for things. They were warped, but the fox was smiling. Zolfyer’s fox promised me help if I was her liaison to him. I haven’t taken her up on the offer.

I honestly feel more receptivity from the goddesses. Perhaps I needed to go through all this frustration and such. I dunno, but this morning I reached out and got Aset. Quite clearly at that. Really, I was poking at Anpu, asking what was I supposed to do now, was I supposed to move on, are you listening? I kinda blew it off, wondering if anyone would listen to me. Low and behold, a familiar feeling, and then Aset. “I’ll listen to you.” Devo made a suggestion when I told her about my dream with the prayer beads/pendulum (which also included my mother telling me she had the same beads, showing me the carnelian string that was twice as long as my actual prayer beads) that I sit with them and see what impressions I get. I haven’t really had the energy or concentration, and I’ll admit that I was rather jaded and ticked off too, but recently I did and I couldn’t quite figure out who or what it was. It felt familiar, and definitely feminine, insistent too, but at the time I was very distracted and exhausted. So, who knows. Another dream comes to mind, a scene of Aset arguing with Anpu about his plans and walking away crying. Perhaps she was upset at his plan to teach me to be self-reliant and look for what I really want and what can genuinely work for me, even if it’s hard and annoying and incredibly frustrating. Even if it makes me feel abandoned.

So many perhaps’ and possibilities. So much frustration.

Wep Ronpet

Wednesday for me was Wep Ronpet, the new year. This year was my first time celebrating it, and I had fun. I made cake, I made dinner, I had Sister and Nephew and his dad over. I made Z a chocolate cheesecake (that came out fan-fucking-tastic. Homemade chocolate graham cracker crust, Hershey cocoa powder, my first time making one. Oh it was good). And I even made bread. Bread, as always, flipped me off. Not only did it not rise, but it didn’t bake all the way through and I didn’t notice until two days later when I cut more slices off. I really enjoy making bread, but I may have to agree with Z’s comment that it might not be my thing. I am le sads.

On a happier note, the gods were happy. Anpu and Aset received swai, Mac and cheese, mixed veggies, cake and cookies. I also did my first effigy execration. And let me tell you, execration with a toddler is hilarious. I crocheted a mostly shapeless snake, stuffed it with paper that had what I wanted execrated and for whom on it, and sat it under my altar to be subdued. I also took yarn of different colors (the colors had a purpose) and left them on my altar for Anpu to bless with power. On the actual day of the new year I bound the effigy and brought it out to have everyone help beat it up. Of course, when toddlers see their parents and aunt beating up a toy, well they want it too. So funny, so cute, especially when I grabbed my plastic noodle fork (the big, two pronged jawn) and started stabbing the crap out of the effigy, he wanted to as well. He did a pretty good job lol

My little snake went back under the shrine to be subdued more by the power of the gods and was thrown out this morning. The new year is off to a good start, with a few extra hours on my check, a day off for Z, and free tickets to hershey park from his mom. On top of that, my dad is on his way from Florida for his annual visit and I can’t wait to see him, my youngest brothers and my stepmom. I feel like my execration was successful and others are doing some execration as their wep ronpets come around this week. I am happy

Shrine during dinner

Happy New Year!

Talks with the Jackal

Everyone knows Sunday was Easter. For most this means chocolate, special Easter church services, fancy clothes and misinformation about Ostara and the pagan origins of Easter. Oh, and ham, because that’s a big thing. Personally I don’t eat much pork, don’t really like the smell or taste, but everyone else ate ham. It’s a little sad because with my family of bakers there was way more desserts than real food.

Anyway, Easter is a day focused on family and rebirth. Ostara is a holiday celebrating spring and the rebirth of the land, Easter is the celebration of Jesus’ resurrection. So, of course the Jackal has an opinion too. Anpu isn’t just a god of funerary rites, primarily because He’s just boss like that, but also because in ancient Egypt the funeral and the rites that go with it weren’t about the end of life but about rebirth into the next life. It was all about being prepped for the next life. As such, Anpu wants me to write about rebirth and resurrection and his role in it. That’s gonna take a few weeks because I need to do actual research instead of talking out my ass. And I still have homework.

Yesterday I came home from school and heard Him from the shrine. I was tired and didn’t feel like kneeling, so I just reclined on the mat on the floor. It was absurdly comfy for being the floor, I probably could have fallen asleep if I wasn’t chilly. I closed my eyes and there he was in the temple.

“What’s up?” I asked.
“How are you feeling?”
“Tired.”
“Yes, well, that would be because you aren’t sleeping.”
“That’s not my fault.”
“Are you done being babied yet?” (He said this in reference to my break after being hospitalized)
I scoff, my feelings hurt. “I’m not being babied!”
“I know.”
“So why did you say it?”
“Because I need you to be driven.”

I got a flash of the anger I felt and the purpose with which I moved after finding a cockroach in my kitchen.

“I’m not driven like that. I’m not a very driven person.” I say sourly, avoiding the word “ambitious” because that’s what I actually mean.

“Yes, well you need to be. You need to get over this avoiding your anger. Scorpio has Mars in it too. Serket is not a harmless goddess.”

I raise an eyebrow. That was a very interesting and specific reference to make.
“Are you into astrology Anpu? That’s new.”

He puts his hands on his hips, frowning. “Not the way you humans are. Of course the stars do have some influence, but I see it differently. You take something with a lot of nuance and subtlety, something that is complicated, then you overcomplicate it while missing all the details and over apply it in a simplistic fashion.”

I know what he’s getting at, but I poke fun at him anyway, until he manages to make his sentence shorter and clearer.

“I want you to learn about being driven. About your Mars.”

I shift uncomfortably. “Who would teach me?”

Anpu crossed his arms. “I’d like Sekhmet to teach you, but she has her own agenda and can be greedy.”

I yawn, mentioning again that I’m tired.

“Well, perhaps you should pray to Aset or Serket before bed for restful sleep.”

I squint at him. “Why Serket? I tried before and it didn’t seem to go anywhere.”

“You weren’t trying for long enough, and for a specific reason, for heka. I always wanted you to talk to her.”

“Well you certainly didn’t say one way or the other when I was asking you.” I snap.

He pets my head and takes my hand in his, drawing shapes on my palm with his thumbnail.

“I’d like to restart your shadow work.”

“That’s fine.”

“And you promised me a blog post.”

“I know.”

He called Dapper, who appears from above me. The wolf loves to come down from ceilings.

“I’d like you to teach her shielding and energy work.”

Dapper hums to himself, looking at the floor. “I’d rather teach her healing.”

“I think the first two are important for that don’t you think?”

I could see that Dapper wanted to disagree, but he said nothing, just nodded.

Anpu turned back to me. “I also want you to start working with your tarot cards again.”

“I’m not very good with that.”

“That’s because you ignore your intuition for the book instead.”

“Well why wouldn’t I? I can’t confirm my intuition.”

“Then practice, and make sure you thoroughly examine your intuition. It doesn’t need to be so complex. You think too much. Besides, would you rather go back to trying scrying?”

I shook my head, thinking of how hard it was. I got a vague feeling the tarot issue was related to something else, to other Jackal kids.

I change the subject. “I want to work on bonds I think.”

[Portion of conversation redacted for personal privacy]

“So, you want to sever cords of attachment but keep bonds of affection?”

“Yes.”

“I think we should also consider why these things bother you so much. You have quite a few irrational fears.”

“Yeah I know. I can’t help it, some things I had ingrained growing up.”

He sighed. “No wonder humans are so myopic. You can’t take the long view if you’re so busy worrying about what’s in front of you life after life.”

I shake my head. I can’t really argue with that. Instead I ask about something else.

“Where is Aset?”

“I don’t know. Her actions are her own.”

I narrow my eyes and he rolls his.

“Listen, you are mine. You dedicated yourself to me first and I intend to honor that. I don’t know yet if I’ll go as far as Sekhmet with her.” (I would later find out what he meant by that.)

“You’re not kicking her out are you?”

“I promised you I wouldn’t if she didn’t violate my claim to you.”

“You promised me you wouldn’t period.”

“Yes, but she is not respecting me. If she leaves it will be she can’t cooperate of her own accord.”

“Why is she so upset anyway?”

“She doesn’t like how I plan to go about your shadow work. She thinks I’m going to be too harsh. After you got sick she was very upset.”

I folded my arms, half pouting. I didn’t like this. Why couldn’t these two play nice?

“You’re not kicking her out right?”

“Like I said, I’m not sure yet if I’ll go so far as Sekhmet.”

“What are you even having me do anyway?”

“I can’t say, but shadow work is good for you in general. I need you to be more stable.”

“Well no duh, but what are you trying to prepare me for?”

“It won’t matter if you’re not ready in time now will it?” Anpu said impatiently.

“And if I’m not?”

“We’ll see. It depends. You may end up pushed into it anyway, but I can’t say for certain.”

I scoffed, of course he couldn’t. I wondered what he could have planned and if Aset would ever come back. If she couldn’t abide by Anpu’s claim he would likely push her away and it seemed a lot like she couldn’t. I felt a vague sense that this might have been what happened with someone else’s goddess that I had heard about. I also wondered if Serket would actually answer me this time if I reached out to her.

“You could always reach out to Aset as Serket. They do syncretize sometimes, Aset absorbs her as it were.”

I had read somewhere about that, but I had a more pressing question. “Would you even want that?”

Anpu looked away from me. “No, I’ll be honest I’d prefer you not deal with Aset at all. I have staked my claim on you, I can’t have others disrespecting that.”

I didn’t answer, instead deigning to go to sleep.

Perspective

This morning I was thinking about the gods. I hadn’t slept too well last night and had told Anpu that he and Aset need to work their shit out and not do it directly over my head. I informed him that neither of them would get anything until they got their shit together. I mentioned lastly that I would deal with one of them leaving if it was absolutely necessary, but I would prefer that not to be necessary. I want them both around, but I refuse to be stuck in their bitch fight.

I also went about cleansing and properly warding my house. Now, I had cleansed last month, but my wards consisted of salting the windowsills and threshold. I went further this time, creating a sigil and adding the Wadjet to protect the doors, windows and mirrors. It was more successful than I had expected. A sneaky little spirit had come in and taunted me. In my rage I kicked him out and summoned more energy than I knew I could. I used said power as well as my pissed off mood to charge the sigils and erect a barrier and used heka to get even more. I’m certain that all this magic slinging is why I couldn’t sleep, especially since it was 2 am. Eventually Dapper just told me this ridiculous short story (which I’ll write up later).

This morning I was mulling over the conversation with Anpu. One of the things I had told him, besides to work on his shit, was what I wanted for myself. I told him I didn’t want to be a warrior. I was perfectly capable of being violent, but only when it was absolutely necessary, and I would do it more readily for others than myself. What I want to do is be support. I made a good case for it. Warriors need Support. Without Support a Warrior has no relief, no one to care for them when they come back from fighting, or heal them when they’re injured. Attackers without Backers lose their sight, they lose their boundaries and compassion and become cruel and unmerciful. That leads to isfet more often than not. A Warrior won’t break as easily with good Support. Someone has to do it right? Why not me? I love healing and helping others. It relates to my powerful desire to be a mother. Ever since I met some of my online friends I’ve wanted to support them. In this life, their mundane life, as well as their astral and spiritual. I reach out in any way I can, which is especially important since we’re all so far apart. I also warned that this was preliminary, I was just talking and hadn’t solidified things in my mind yet.

Anpu had simply nodded his head and walked away. He had listened completely. However, I went back to thinking about his constant bickering with Aset and I realized that Aset was at the disadvantage here. She had already been cut off and in theory Anpu could be grimy as fuck and threaten to put her out entirely or submit to his plans. And then come back to me and tell me she left of her own accord. I don’t know if he’d ever be so dastardly, but it’s still possible. I also realized that I would probably never fully have my way. A very deep part of me is still tralalaling over the gods and will continue to do so. I’ve always been a deist, I always will be. I set off on this path to get the relationship with a god that I’ve always wanted. The kind I’ve been jealous of. Even as I went about my morning, I felt that part of me reaching out despite the logical part of me slapping it back. No, you said nothing until they get their shit together. Then in the shower, even as I was thinking about how I’m already kind of angry and bitter I found myself singing the revamped Christmas song I wrote for Anpu.

I realized that, like a certain Sekhmet daughter, I wouldn’t get away. Something in me would always determinedly reach back, and Anpu would be persistent. For this entire year I’ve been on this path I’ve avoided thinking of myself as Anpu’s daughter. I didn’t want to get stuck in solipsism and had no proof. I knew I had initially sought him for stupid reasons and had been happy that he hadn’t rejected me. I couldn’t really tell how he felt about me though, but now I see that even if I wasn’t his daughter, he was intent on adopting me. And like being a daughter, you can’t escape your parents. Something of them always follows, and I don’t actually want to ditch him. As pissed off as I am I can’t reject him. Kinda like being mad at my parents. Sometimes when my mom is driving me nuts I think to myself “dammit you crazy bitch, don’t you know I love you?” Yeah, getting that vibe for both Anpu and Aset. Dammit you lunatic motherfuckers, why can’t you just get along and let me love and worship you in peace? But that would be too easy wouldn’t it?

Recent Developments

I am on Spring Break this week, which is good because I am tired. Tuesday evening I had a bit of a breakdown. Essentially I’ve been diagnosed with another psych disorder and was hospitalized for about five days. I’m home now, but it wasn’t fun being in the hospital. I have a bunch of follow up appointments to do and still have to deal with school. Once again, lucky for me this happened right before spring break. I still have to catch up on work, which is ok for now. My new challenge is to get a handle on my anxiety so this new turn in my life doesn’t break it apart. Anyone who suffers from anxiety knows what a struggle that can be at times. It’s hard not to get overwhelmed.

On a different note, Aset is back. She practically zoomed into the hospital room when Dapper finally found Her and told Her what was going on with my health. Ironically, it is now Anpu that is distant. I don’t know how that happened, all I really remember is all three of them being nearby while I was half conscious from the medication they gave me in the hospital. Specifically, I remember Aset running into the room and holding my hand, while Anpu and Dapper stood back. I’m pretty sure she turned around and yelled at Anpu, but I don’t know much more than that. I also had a dream-hallucination-whatever. In it a man with red hair and matching beard, styled very medieval-y, and in armor walked by me. He invited me to follow him and I did, to a humongous arena. The stands were full of people who were essentially mannequins. They all looked the same, especially the men, who were decorated in all manner of fedoras and vests and sports coats. Although the crowd was cheering wildly, and the stadium was literally brightly lit from the people as much as the sun the man wasn’t happy. He wasn’t unhappy though, but his armor shone and sparkled. I made mention of the ridiculous fanfare and realized this was no netjeru. He drew a large and glistening sword and I made more sarcastic remarks about fanfare. He rolled his eyes and made agreeing comments about how annoying this all was.

We made our way to a park, him all shiny and exuding light with his armor and sword, and he sat at a bench near some trees and a dark, narrow, overgrown path. He leaned back and sighed, swinging his arm and sword over the back, where their light was greedily swallowed by the shadows and darkened.

Apparently he walks in the light and kills in the dark, but sometimes he walks the dark and kills the light. I have no idea who this is, but I do know it relates to Zolfyer in some fashion. There were other images, including me “casting a spell” to create a barrier for myself. I very vaguely remember Z holding my hand, and other people were in the room as well, and I did the same thing, literally whispering gibberish to cast a barrier spell to protect him. He said that he was confused about that, because he had heard me muttering in a sort of quiet singing and couldn’t figure out if I was trying to say anything. I actually wasn’t. Even in my delirium I knew I wasn’t making sense, but there was still purpose and power behind it. I also yelled at something to quit walking and running around my room. Apparently I yelled that out loud because Z confirmed it.

I got back home on Saturday and slept for a good while. Probably a total of 12 hours, though not all at once. Sunday had my nephew and sister over with my mom. That was great, though I was still tired. Sunday night was fine, and it included Dapper’s daughter telling me I should bring Z back to play because “he’s funny.” Dapper stayed in the room for most of the night. I had a strange dream involving the Simpsons (a show I despise and never, ever watch) and this quest to get glass paperweights that smoothly magnified words. They were from the dollar store and I have no idea why I was so interested in having them. Nothing I was reading or trying to read was illegible without them. I also bought a hell of a lot of candy in this dream. Every time I was out I stopped in a store and bought chocolate and little, random things. This all was occurring because I was taking some sort of adult class. The most confusing thing had to be a particular person being in this class with me. She gave me a Country Crock container (yes, I’m talking about the butter brand) and told me this kickass quote that was from Aset. It had to do with being one and Her caring about me. I have no clue, dialogue is always lost, especially since I went flailing about without writing it down. Anyway, this country crock container is empty, and when I open it I can hear Aset’s voice and I realize she’d like a prayer-offering box like the one Anpu has. I write, sloppily, “For Aset” inside of it with a Sharpie and have held it since. Something happened involving this awkward Simpson’s theme and then I was in a forest.

A small creature (a tiny little Charmander) was being chased by three adults and their fully evolved dragon types (Garchomp, Tyrannitar and Salamance). They were chasing it because, and I figured this from a sign, the fire types in the forest needed to be culled (and preferably exterminated) because there had been a lot of fires. One of them basically used Surf and the poor baby Charmander got swept up and slammed into a tree. I caught it and ran off with it, finding a random ass table in a clearing (or maybe I manifested it) to try and revive it. For anyone who doesn’t know anything about Charmander, if the fire on its (and any of its evolutions) tail goes out, it dies. It’s a really cruel and painful way to kill it, especially a Charmander smaller than an infant. It was gasping as its tailfire sputtered out and I put all of my focus into relighting its flame and reviving it. I barely managed to save it and it gasped and coughed. I cradled it as the three men and their dragon pokemon came upon the clearing. I commanded my Pokemon (a Meganium) to kick their asses. It did, using a move called Dragon Tail (dragon types are weak to Dragon types) and by slamming them around with Vine Whip. My Meganium also attacked the men and then flung them all off into the forest. Did I mention that I wasn’t actually “me” in this part of the dream?

I don’t even know guys. For those interested, the Simpson’s nonsense in the dream revolved around this thought that Homer was a twin whose parents neither cared nor were interested enough to even give them separate names. Even their middle names were the same. It made no sense and was more than a little creepy, especially since the twin Homers were talking, naked infants and I had to find them after they somehow ran away. It was so awkward. There was also a short bit about Scratchy (and gods I really hate the Itchy and Scratchy Show) and that happened right after I saved the Charmander. My brain is so confuzzled. In the meantime, I’m just trying not to literally drive myself crazy again.

Talking, Waiting and Stubbornness

Last night was interesting. Zolfyer prayed with me again, which was nice. He also made jokes about staying awake all night to watch me do shadow work. Right, cuz I totally teleport when I do shadow work. Dapper wasn’t (and isn’t) around right now, probably running errands and living his life. Unfortunately, Aset seems like She’s highly upset and pulling away. I don’t think I did anything, but I hope She comes back.

So, the first thing I noticed last night was I was still in the black room. Earlier in the day I had a strange experience between sleep and wakefulness. I was in the black room, laying on the floor, just as much asleep there as in my bed, and felt a piece of me come back. Weird ass sensation having a piece of yourself come back and merge with you. And my only reaction was to say to myself “ah, my ren has come back. I wonder, no, I don’t need to know it. It is unwise, it is what can unmake you.” And then I fell back asleep.

Well, when I went to bed I was in the same spot, arrow still there, box still next to me. Anpu came and sat next to me, and I proceeded to start an argument about which of us was more theatrical. Really, he presents himself as a very quiet and laid back deity and then he does all this theatrical nonsense like make a black room to parallel my knowledge of someone else’s astral travels. His response was essentially: good thing I can pretend to be whatever I want, you’re a pain in the ass, I regret pointing you to those two now that I know you were gonna turn into a pain. Of course, if he hadn’t pointed me out “those two” he would have a clueless and fearful devotee who would be behind and have no foundation. He called me even more of a pain in the ass. What happened to my not snarky god >.> where did all this snark come from?!

I did ask about Aset. He seemed troubled when I asked why She was angry. He said she wasn’t angry at me, but at him.

“She doesn’t seem to have much say.”

“She doesn’t, and she wants to. She wants to be a part of this, but I won’t let Her.”

“That doesn’t seem fair.”

“It isn’t.”

I turned away, wondering if I should press further. I poked at the box containing Z’s shard and felt it tugging at me. I opened the box and, weirdly enough, Z materialized. He was also still asleep. I couldn’t even imagine how he had managed to wiggle his way in this place while sleeping both in bed and in the temple. Anpu chuckled and muttered about stubbornness again.

I ignored the very strong desire to peer inside his ib. I couldn’t imagine what I’d see or sense if I looked in, considering the blast I felt simply by looking into a piece of it.

Z “woke up” then. He was definitely still asleep on this plane, but he was vaguely awake in the black room. He looked around and asked what was up.

“You’re in my room with Anpu and I. Are you gonna remember this?”

He blinked sleepily at me. Anpu shook his head.

“He probably won’t. He’s difficult.”

“How so?”

“He blocks his dreams. He wants answers to questions he needs to answer for himself.”

“He just wants confirmation.”

“Hmm, well it would be easier to confirm if he wasn’t afraid of his potential.”

“His potential?”

“He’s got strong potential, but he doubts it and fears it so much I don’t know what to do with him.”

“Well you’d doubt your potential too if no one taught you how to use it and you were told your whole life that it was dangerous except in very specific circumstances and even then it could still be dangerous and get your soul stomped on. Not to mention no one helped him understand it and were always giving conflicting messages.”

Before the Jackal could respond however, I felt a firm pressure on my shoulder like someone was grabbing me. I knew who it was, that angel from the night before. For some reason it elicits a very strong and aggressive emotion from me. I greatly dislike it, but I can’t place why. Just something in me wants to chase it off.

“Be nice to it.” Anpu warned.

I held my tongue and rephrased what I was going to say. I still couldn’t restrain total rudeness.

“What do you want?” I asked it.

It smiled at me and waved me over to a random table with a large book on it. I walked over to examine the book. The pages were discolored and contained numerous pairs of names, all of them with pairs of numbers after them. Including Z’s and mine. (The format was Z-AR:44-59)

“What’s with them numbers? Is that like, the range of years before we die? We gonna die in our sixties or seventies?”

The seraph frowned, confused about how I got to that conclusion. No, why would I show you that? Why would you need to know when you’ll die?

“Well what am I supposed to think? It’s not like you talk to me. You don’t say anything.”

It smiled at me, showing me the numbers again. It really bothered me that our full names were in this book. The fact that every pair of names had the same numbers on these two pages bothered me as well. I was certain they were all different at first, but they all were starting to look like ours. I tried puzzling out the meaning of the numbers since those were clearly the most important.

Four is completion in Ancient Egypt. 4+4 is 8, divided by two is four. 5+9 is 14, which turns into five. But, if you add 8 to it you get 22, which becomes 4. So, if numerology is the point, then it’s a representation of completion, but, why is it a range? The one above it isn’t a range, it says 44:59 instead of 44-59. What’s the significance?

I shook the scene away. I couldn’t make heads or tails and for some reason all of this was making me angry and unsettled. Anpu said something about the word I’m supposed to be looking for, as well as now we’re waiting on my shut. Right, shadow, and the h word that’s related to it. Well, what the fuck is that anyway? I had never heard this word before, and I had searched for it. And yet oddly enough I was absolutely certain that I had heard such a word, but I couldn’t remember where. I fell asleep thinking of it.

Waking up this morning was unpleasant. I literally woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Z is goofy and silly and likes to do correspondingly silly and goofy things, like switching sides of the bed to see if I’ll have different dreams on his side. That was already disorienting, along with weird dialogue with myself about my shadow and waiting for it and being really frustrated about this mysterious word and those numbers. Then I haven’t had enough sleep for the last three days (my fault, but still) and I was getting up earlier than normal. I didn’t even get out of bed when my alarm went off. I had set it overly early on purpose because I’m an owl not a lark and move slow in the morning. Instead I cuddled with Z who was half asleep and more than happy to oblige said cuddling. I really didn’t want to get out of bed.

When I finally did get up I had the distinct and powerful sense that I was missing something. I needed something and not only could I not find it, but I didn’t know what it was. I was in a daze and couldn’t concentrate on much of anything. All I knew was that what I was missing was in my bedroom somewhere and that it was probably related to Z. The only clue was my brain repeating the line that you cannot do anything or go anywhere without your shut. Even when I managed to get my ass out of the house, trying to cross the threshold was difficult. I opened the door and couldn’t move. My whole being said go back, you can’t leave it behind. Going back in the room relieved the feeling, obviously it was in there. But I had to go to work. I was dizzy and spaced out for hours. Luckily my morning was an extremely easy start. I also noted that Aset seemed distant.

This is the last thing that’s bothering me. Aset. She hasn’t been happy since her argument with Sekhmet. This is the sort of thing that makes me wonder about all this. Do gods really act this way with humans? Do they really interact with each other like this? Am I really experiencing this, or is the fact that I am highly imaginative, easily bored and traumatized from past experiences creating these elaborate schemes? And if I’m not a total lunatic, well what the fuck is going on? Why is Aset so upset, why is she blocking me out? And, why is Anpu keeping her back? WHY IS DAY TWO SO HARD?

A Vision

Dapper walked around my room last night. He paced by the bed, poked at a few things on my shrine and finally settled down by switching to his wolf self and putting his head on the bed. Classic. I reached out to lay my hand on his head. He accepted the touch and rubbed his ear against my palm. I eventually started scratching his head (and let me add that petting an incorporeal being with your corporeal hand is not only a little silly feeling, but not too easy and very strange). After a few minutes of petting he shifted his weight and I could see golden statues on my shrine.

I couldn’t tell who they were, though I did recognize the giant cow horn and disk headdress on the goddess statue. I thought it was Hathor, which was weird enough, though now and while it was happening I vaguely remembered that Aset has some association with that headdress. I wondered if they were there to observe me or maybe even Z, who was cuddled against me and drifting into dreams. Then one of the statues shifted and became a seated Sekhmet. It came closer and grew bigger, becoming as large as the statues in the temple of Aset and Anpu. Sekhmet was looking away from me and I followed her eyes to see someone’s bedroom and them sleeping in their bed. I felt like such a creeper since I knew exactly who I was looking at. Sekhmet then turned to me and got out of her throne and took my hand. I felt kid-sized as we walked towards the wall which dissolved into the temple.

There Aset was waiting for us, not golden but the colors she always is. She took my other hand and they swung me off my feet just like a toddler. I didn’t mind, but I did note that I really felt like a kid now. They walked to a part of the temple I had seen before, a large, plain throne separated by a short wall from everything else. It was very well lit today and they sat me in it. Sekhmet stood off to the side while Aset sat on the arm of the throne. Anpu came over then and took his mask off. I had never seen him like this, human-y. It was always the jackal headed him I saw.

”What’s up?” I asked.

Anpu smiled. ”We have a lot of things to do Little One. We start tomorrow.”

”Huh? What? Tomorrow? What are we starting?”

”Shadow work of course. We can’t start today, you’re tired. Besides, you wanted this, you kept asking for it.”

I started to talk but shrugged, he had me there. Anpu smiled again and put his jackal mask back on as he turned away to mess with…something.

It was at the moment that Aset got upset. She pushed Sekhmet back, who had been leaning close to examine me.

”Would you back up? You already have things to do with your devotee.”

”I hardly want her, she’s so weak anyway, but she could still be…useful. They are friends.” By useful she was referring to how I could be made to help her devotee.

”She is not weak, and I don’t care. Keep back.”

”Could you two not talk about me like I’m not here?” I interrupted.

They turned to look at me and Aset stroked my hair. Before she could resume arguing with Sekhmet however, Anpu spoke up.

”Ladies, it doesn’t really matter now does it? Because she is mine and my plans are far more important than either of yours.”

That silenced them both. I decided gods were too much trouble and went to sleep in Aset’s lap.

I almost forgot. Dapper actually followed me into the temple with the goddesses. He sat near my feet the entire time. Maybe that’s what Anpu was doing, petting him or something.

Inside My Head

It’s dark in here. Not pitch black, nor is it lightless, it simply isn’t bright. I’ve been here multiple times. It is not entirely separate from me. It is a temple, golden and large. If it has windows I cannot see them, all I can see is a few pillars and two statues. The braziers hanging from the ceiling and pillars only light that much. I have no idea how large this place really is, it is all in shadow and gives the illusion of both compactness and largesse. The pillars are inscribed with shapes and hieroglyphs that I cannot read and pay no attention to. Sometimes there is more than just the two statues in this place. Usually they mean nothing. Someone visiting, or checking me out. They are often far off and I pay no mind. Rarely I sense others that are not gods in here. I have seen more of this place once, but only once. 

The statues are obvious. They tower above me, at least twenty feet high. The one in the center is Anpu. Ironically it is a form I don’t find aesthetically pleasing. He is merely standing, perfectly straight, occasionally holding a Was. The statue is black and gold, it wears only a circlet and skirt. Sometimes there is the headdress, but it is amorphous, easily changed. There is a plate by the feet, my latest offering. A broom lay nearby, for some reason I am often cleaning in here. It is almost never dirty though. Cleaning is the only time I see the walls, or doorways. I never go towards them, much less through them. I don’t have a reason to, and I am not particularly nosy, although I’ve never been told not to be. Next to Anpu’s statue is another. Sometimes she is on the right, sometimes on the left. Aset kneels in profile, as if She were a hieroglyph. Although I’m positive this icon is far more reminiscent of Ma’at, She has her arms outstretched with iridescent wings. Her statue is not plain, it is colorful and beautiful, a complex beauty next to Anpu’s minimalistic handsomeness. Sometimes it bears a headdress, most times it doesn’t. 

I come here often. Usually it’s simply to look at Them, to marvel at their huge statues or sit near Them. I pray in here, I offer food in here, and of course there’s the cleaning. Sometimes I sweep, other times I mop, sometimes I dust their feet. Sometimes I come here because I feel Their presence nearby or they wish to talk. I have only seen one other person in here, Dapper. Dapper is new of course. I have invited him into this place with Their permission. He never comes in as a humanoid, always in his Other shape, his wolf shape. I haven’t bothered to ask him about this, instead I put his portion of the food on the floor and pet him. We have been here more than I consciously remember. Perhaps it is the piece of my Guardian inside him that I sense that affinity for. He does belong there, in some way. Just like me.

For Aset

Lately my goddess has been feeling neglected, so I shall write to Her.

My Lady, you heard my call and came to me. It must be a full year by now. I still remember that day. I raged in pain and had intended to call someone else. Alas it was your name that left my mouth, and you called back. How could I not appreciate that? You have cradled me while I cried more than once and scolded me when I was being a little shit to others. I reach for you and you are there, even if you’re busy and have to get back to me, I trust you’ll come back. I still do not know why you answered my plaintive cry, but I am forever grateful.

Hail Aset, Queen of Heaven

Praise to the Lady of the Stars.

Dua to She with 1000 Names

Dua to She who knows the ren of Ra.

Hail to the Princess of the Gods,

To She who is Master of Magic

And Songs shall be sung in Her honor

As Her presence heralds the Flood.

Hail to the Goddess of Mothers,

Praise to the Greatest of Wives,

Dua to She who saved her Husband

And conceived Heru, King of Gods.

Sweetest incense in Her honor,

Pleasant drink to sate Her thirst,

Heavenly Food to nourish Her ka

And ma’at to bring Her strength.

Great goddess of Heaven and Earth

Rain blessings down on me,

May I earn your favor

And your trust I never lose.

Unconventional Magic

So, recently I’ve been ruminating on magic. Aset made it clear that She is feeling ignored and I know that although both my gods are very magical, she is particularly and exquisitely good at it. So, I took an “other people are doing it” approach and figured I could honor Her by getting into magic. I already dedicate “wifely” duties like cleaning house and cooking and baking (I happen to like being traditionally “wife-like” since I was raised in a traditional gender role family, so don’t get hung up on that, it brings me pleasure to care for others in such a way) but I can understand why She isn’t feeling enough attention. Anpu gets more direct praise and contact since He’s my main deity, and He’s trying to get some plans moving for me. Maybe She’s jealous, I dunno, but I think She deserves something more direct.

Anyway, I had been thinking about magic because of some things going in my life. I’ve done magic successfully a couple times, though one particular spell was successful in a way I wasn’t expecting. It did exactly what I wanted it to, I just didn’t realize it would accomplish it in the fashion it did. A couple days ago while I was napping I called up Dapper and asked his opinion. He suggested doing what others had suggested (giving Aset specific offerings just for Her, spending more prayer and shrine time with just Her) and he also suggested doing magic with Her. My first response was I didn’t have what I wanted and he very promptly told me I was making my own life difficult. It doesn’t need to be that deep, or complicated, he told me. It’s supposed to be simple. Well, I don’t always like people poking me and telling me the truth that I’m just being a difficult brat (I am a really spoiled whelp actually) so I rather sarcastically asked him to show me what he meant.

I remember something about hands. Like I see my hands and his hands and energy, and he showed me how to hold and manipulate it. He further described what the energy was and how to use it. I also remember him laughing, probably because I was complaining about how he was supposed to be teaching me, not letting me sleep.

Anyway, after I woke up I had in mind knot magic. I don’t know why knot magic, that’s just what I was thinking about when I woke up. I also was thinking of crocheting due to a joke on one of my friend’s Facebook pages (the irony of listening to music generally not considered relaxing while doing something relaxing). It occurred to me that knitting and crochet use the same materials, well gee, why not crochet magic? I honestly don’t know how it would work, it would be similar to and related to knot magic, but such crafty magic as knitting and crochet and needlepoint would definitely be different. After all, you don’t undo your projects after like you would undo knots. Of the resources I’ve seen on knot magic, they categorize it as magic to store or extend spells and spellcasting. While knitting and crochet would likely be excellent for storing magic and perhaps for warding, it wouldn’t be good for releasing spells because that would require unraveling the work. And like hell is any crafter going to want to do that! However, perhaps for a slow release spell, continuous spells, protection spells, healing spells, warding, attraction and repelling spells, it could very well work.

Knitting and crochet is versatile and stable, sturdy and flexible, you could wrap a lot of magic into it in theory and it would last a long time. You could use it to store magic to draw from on days you’re tired, or recharge spells from it. As an added bonus, you could give them away. If you’re making a protection spell for a baby or a healing spell for someone who is ill, you could bind it into a baby blanket or scarf and it’ll last a long time and provide continuous help to them. When that toddler feels scared, they’re comforted as much by the familiarity of their blanket as the symbolic and magical protection it provides. As the sick person stays warm with your scarf the magic helps too, and it will help keep away future illness. In addition if someone is learning magic, well you could give them something full of magic so they can learn what it feels like and could draw on it as they learn to manipulate energy and raise their own. A magical doily or altar cloth could be a fabulous gift, with magic to encourage the success of their spiritual and magical endeavors, or protect them and their sacred space. It could be made with a look-away spell or something if that person is in the broom closet and needs their space not to look really suspicious or simply avoid being examined or messed with. A really adventurous person could even work sigils into their crochet and knitting. Such sigil crafting would be really easy with needlepoint.

Since most people want warding and protection spells to be at least semipermanent, you could design projects with that purpose. Although sewing and needlepoint would likely be easiest for this task, one could crochet rugs for warding entryways, doilies for windows and tables, blankets as mentioned, scarves and hats, and anything that could be worn or used as a decoration. Harmony spells could go in your tablecloth, purification spells in washcloths, dream and relaxation spells in pillows and stuffed toys (and yes everything I have thus far mentioned you can make with knitting and crochet). If you want it to be strong, stable and long lasting you could theoretically put it into a crafting project.

A friend mentioned to me that he never saw anyone being “edgy” with magic, in the sense that there don’t seem to be a lot of artists taking artistic license and being creative and inventive with magic, trying to make new magical systems and new uses. Well, I certainly hope we can take knot and crafting magic to a new level and start inventing!