This morning I was thinking about the gods. I hadn’t slept too well last night and had told Anpu that he and Aset need to work their shit out and not do it directly over my head. I informed him that neither of them would get anything until they got their shit together. I mentioned lastly that I would deal with one of them leaving if it was absolutely necessary, but I would prefer that not to be necessary. I want them both around, but I refuse to be stuck in their bitch fight.
I also went about cleansing and properly warding my house. Now, I had cleansed last month, but my wards consisted of salting the windowsills and threshold. I went further this time, creating a sigil and adding the Wadjet to protect the doors, windows and mirrors. It was more successful than I had expected. A sneaky little spirit had come in and taunted me. In my rage I kicked him out and summoned more energy than I knew I could. I used said power as well as my pissed off mood to charge the sigils and erect a barrier and used heka to get even more. I’m certain that all this magic slinging is why I couldn’t sleep, especially since it was 2 am. Eventually Dapper just told me this ridiculous short story (which I’ll write up later).
This morning I was mulling over the conversation with Anpu. One of the things I had told him, besides to work on his shit, was what I wanted for myself. I told him I didn’t want to be a warrior. I was perfectly capable of being violent, but only when it was absolutely necessary, and I would do it more readily for others than myself. What I want to do is be support. I made a good case for it. Warriors need Support. Without Support a Warrior has no relief, no one to care for them when they come back from fighting, or heal them when they’re injured. Attackers without Backers lose their sight, they lose their boundaries and compassion and become cruel and unmerciful. That leads to isfet more often than not. A Warrior won’t break as easily with good Support. Someone has to do it right? Why not me? I love healing and helping others. It relates to my powerful desire to be a mother. Ever since I met some of my online friends I’ve wanted to support them. In this life, their mundane life, as well as their astral and spiritual. I reach out in any way I can, which is especially important since we’re all so far apart. I also warned that this was preliminary, I was just talking and hadn’t solidified things in my mind yet.
Anpu had simply nodded his head and walked away. He had listened completely. However, I went back to thinking about his constant bickering with Aset and I realized that Aset was at the disadvantage here. She had already been cut off and in theory Anpu could be grimy as fuck and threaten to put her out entirely or submit to his plans. And then come back to me and tell me she left of her own accord. I don’t know if he’d ever be so dastardly, but it’s still possible. I also realized that I would probably never fully have my way. A very deep part of me is still tralalaling over the gods and will continue to do so. I’ve always been a deist, I always will be. I set off on this path to get the relationship with a god that I’ve always wanted. The kind I’ve been jealous of. Even as I went about my morning, I felt that part of me reaching out despite the logical part of me slapping it back. No, you said nothing until they get their shit together. Then in the shower, even as I was thinking about how I’m already kind of angry and bitter I found myself singing the revamped Christmas song I wrote for Anpu.
I realized that, like a certain Sekhmet daughter, I wouldn’t get away. Something in me would always determinedly reach back, and Anpu would be persistent. For this entire year I’ve been on this path I’ve avoided thinking of myself as Anpu’s daughter. I didn’t want to get stuck in solipsism and had no proof. I knew I had initially sought him for stupid reasons and had been happy that he hadn’t rejected me. I couldn’t really tell how he felt about me though, but now I see that even if I wasn’t his daughter, he was intent on adopting me. And like being a daughter, you can’t escape your parents. Something of them always follows, and I don’t actually want to ditch him. As pissed off as I am I can’t reject him. Kinda like being mad at my parents. Sometimes when my mom is driving me nuts I think to myself “dammit you crazy bitch, don’t you know I love you?” Yeah, getting that vibe for both Anpu and Aset. Dammit you lunatic motherfuckers, why can’t you just get along and let me love and worship you in peace? But that would be too easy wouldn’t it?