I cannot feel your light.
Your burning cinders,
Your burnished bronze,
Your rich indigo,
Both chilled and warm,
Shudder-inducing in its frosty breeze,
Soothing and enveloping in its heat.
None of the excitement of late autumn,
Nor the relaxing of mid spring.
Though your light paints the horizon
Every dawn and dusk,
I cannot touch you in it.
I cannot feel you breathing into me.
I feel a whole lot of nothing
Though I see you daily.
I feel a little of everything
Trying to reach you.
Where are you?
I’ve talked about my beginning with Anpu many times. In fact, I’ve referenced it just in this project lol I’m not really sure what else to say. He lets me pester him, and he rarely gets enraged at my fickle nature. I imagine he is aware that my behavior is primarily a function of intense anxiety, depression and paranoia. There’s a lot of forgiveness inherent in our relationship. I don’t know why, I’m just glad it’s there, otherwise I’d have needed a new god a long time ago. Perhaps this is why I’ve still stuck with him despite how often I talk about reaching out to a different god or something. In the end, I need that calm, that forgiveness. The necessary quiet and control required to hear him is difficult for me to achieve, but that is something I need to learn. I do wonder when he’ll push me along though, but I’m hardly in a rush, though I probably should be. Who knows.
Together we dance, like a parent and child
I stomp my feet, and walk on your toes
You wait patiently as I try to keep up.
I’m terrible at it, pushing and pulling,
swinging and shouting.
Impatient, despite the music being slow.
You’re willing to hold me,
but I want to dance by myself.
So I twirl in circles, and fall to the ground
dizzy and laughing.
I do it again, and then I fall down
crying because I feel sick.
You wait patiently while I try to keep up.
Sometimes you pick me up,
but very often you wait.
Wait for me to call you, in my infinite stubbornness.
Wait for me to ask you, in my infinite hardheadedness.
Sometimes I stick my fingers in my ears,
playing that catchy song, not realizing you could punish me.
Insolent child, patient father.
Sometimes you’re not close enough
and other times, I’m so busy crying I cannot hear you.
Sometimes you just wait until I calm down.
And you are there, when I turn around
Ready to dance again.
It was easy for me. I was the most familiar with Anubis, and I had always thought it exceedingly cool that he was a jackal. I love canids of all kinds, and what I knew of Egypt was great as well. Then I found out people did this “worship the Egyptian gods” thing, and that I really jived with the religion.
Naturally I started pestering The Jackal.
He didn’t turn me away, though he didn’t exactly answer at first either. He’s been incredibly forgiving, since I am both very impatient and very timid at the same time. I can’t imagine how much of a headache I’ve been for Him. Even when I was writing those posts last week about not calling myself Kemetic anymore, I knew I wasn’t really going anywhere. He has never told me get out, and I don’t plan to. Even though sometimes I feel like I should. I just need to stir things up, and will still be doing research and perhaps reaching out to other netjer. I love this religion too much, I grok it too well. It simply works for me, I just have to find things to do to occupy my time (goodness gracious my brain wants to be kept busy so badly) and have a focus.
In other words, I don’t know what I want, but this god is willing to put up with my flailing and running around like a headless chicken. Honestly if I learned to sit the fuck down and be quiet for a minute I’d probably have less problems! Perhaps this is why even the louder gods chuckle and turn me right back around. “Oh look, one of Anubis’ anxious kiddies”.
I was a huge dork though, I’ll be honest. I really did reach out because he was a jackal, and he was decently familiar, but mostly his jackalness.
Who would have thought, that little me would find You?
That I could reach out, in childishness and excitement,
To find Someone there?
You hear me, You see me, silent and salient.
Ah, the pain of your quietude, how it frightens my noisy mind.
But You are there, You are there, even when I can’t feel You.
The gentlest touch, the sternest expression.
Is that why they call you Strong of Face?
Despite my protests, You return.
Even when I transgress, You don’t turn me away.
Though I am fickle, You do not bite.
Is this why they call you Lord of Ma’at?
I shudder in delight at Your grace, Lord of Knives.
The sunrise hails you, Lord of Heaven.
The sunset praises you, Lord of Light.
Here I am, calling Your names.
Here I am, praising your horizon.
I am here, at your altar.
Never stop forgiving me
Your idiot daughter.
So, The Jackal’s Dance’s post reminded me that this was happening. I’ll be participating, although I’ve had a lot going on today so I’m going to post today’s and tomorrow’s tomorrow. Here’s the link for myself and anyone who wants to participate as well. Today is a sort of welcome post, the prompt is
Tomorrow is
The Woods of My Heart 