Jackal Tarot

I’ve been thinking about religion all week. Not in any significant detail mind you, but I just have. I’ve also been a bit frustrated about several things, work, school, conversations with my mom, and not being able to go to shrine. Work itself is not frustrating, it’s actually surprisingly fun, but I dunno, I guess I’m just frustrated that I have to go this route. I don’t know. School is going to be starting soon, which is fine, but I can tell the only reason I’ll go to saturday class is because it’s the psych class. Nevertheless, I now have three classes, which I’m happy about and they’re all online.

I won’t comment much on the frustrating conversations with my mom except that I know she’s only saying most things out of love, though if she keeps talking shit about TB I will have to cut her deep. I’m really very annoyed that she keeps disparaging him and not even with good logic. It’s just, I don’t even know, but she rarely just says good things and leaves it that way, she’s always got to toss something negative in there or say everything negative. Like, is she trying to get me to hate and resent him? Because it seems that way. The whole issue Z and I are going through with money and jobs is just giving her more perceived ammo that she’s trying to use to “protect” me. I don’t know what her problem is but I’m sick of dealing with this two-faced bullshit and vitriol she spews out about Z and about our relationship. Newsflash ma, Z is not my dad, I am not you and we both have different desires, agreements, expectations and reasoning on a variety of subjects than you. Just because I ask you for money instead of him doesn’t mean that we have a dynamic where I can give him money but he can’t give any to me. He hates being penniless and taking money from me and most of the time when he has money I get almost anything I ask for. So shut up.

Anyway, I may need to talk to the Jackal about how best to handle my mother and talk to her. Last night I was thinking vaguely about my shrine and Anpu and got the nudge that He wanted to talk. Ok, He often nudges that He wants to talk but I often don’t know the best way to hear what He’s saying. I wanted to talk too so I wasn’t opposed to trying something. I went upstairs and pulled out my tarot cards and basically said “what’s up?”

Well that tarot conversation was very interesting. It was also quite revealing. Anpu said a lot there. Apparently, I should not worry about the future, the material future, because it is secure. Whatever is supposed to happen will happen regardless of what I might have in mind or could ask about. Even when I asked for elaboration I received the same card as well as the eight of cups. Now, the eight of cups is about turning away from the material to focus on the spiritual, so basically “don’t fret over the mundane stuff, that’s already been taken care of and will happen regardless, it is secure, so focus on the spiritual.” When I asked Him to elaborate on how I should focus on the spiritual, I basically got don’t get caught up and tripped up by trivial things, be creative and be patient. And then I got be patient for wisdom and understanding. Creativity seems to be the main way I’ll improve my spiritual life. I got four Major Arcana during this conversation, The Star, The Sun, The Empress and The High Priestess, all related to this thing about focusing on the spiritual and not worrying about the mundane.

I then asked why Z can’t get a job. Well, I was told just two things about that situation, he’s supposed to be learning about The Star, and to mind my business. I had the Seven of Swords tossed at me when I tried to press, basically if I keep trying to find out I’ll be stealing his learning from him. Somehow, I don’t know. Either way the best intentions are at work here. Well, now to think of creative ways to focus on my spirituality I guess? I don’t even know where to start though lol Well, I guess I’ll have to figure it all out.

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On Anubis

This is my personal interaction and relationship with Anpu. It is not a be all, end all and is informed by historical information of His character and behavior. Anpu may not come to you and interact with you in the same way He does with me. Just as you don’t act exactly the same from friend to friend or family member to family member, the gods are individuals with personalities and have the capacity to approach you differently than someone else. This does not necessarily make me right or you right in how you experience the deity, but it also does not necessarily make either of us wrong.

I’m writing this because Anpu wants me to write. In His opinion I should write because I can, and because I could be helpful to others. And I shouldn’t waste my time on satire and other “unsavory” writing activities. Either be creative or be useful to those who search. Yeah, so I’m gonna do that because I’d rather not incur the wrath of my normally very quiet deity. I’ve done a post on meeting Anpu before but this is a little different.

Now, I’ve said before that I approached Anpu and did so probably way too early in my Kemetic path. I was excited, I was a newb, and I had new information courtesy of Per-Sabu that Anpu was really as awesome and cool and not evil as I had always hoped He would be. I’m almost certain that I genuinely said to Him “I’m gonna follow you around like a nosy, lost puppy until you tell me to stop or give me something to do.” Well He didn’t tell me to stop and He recently gave me something to do. So now I’m still a nosy puppy but I’m not as lost and confused as before.

Anpu is very quiet. It’s not that He has nothing to say, He’s just very thoughtful. He’s like the poster god for introversion. I was thinking earlier of ways to describe how His personality comes off to me and I’ve got to say it’s like having that great-grandparent. You know the one, they don’t say much and either seem like they aren’t listening at all or are very intensely paying attention. Either way, they always know exactly what is going on and who said exactly what and when. They are the type that catch everything when you think they’ve seen or heard nothing and who know your secrets before you know them. They are never surprised by anything because they were already aware of what was going on. They also never say anything without thinking it through thoroughly and they are short and to the point. Arrow to the heart, nail on the head, whatever cliché you want. Sometimes they say nothing at all, either because it’s better left unsaid, or it won’t make a difference or because it needs to be said only after someone fucks up. They speak softly, but carry a big stick, and you always get quiet and listen and do as you’re told when they talk. That’s Anpu to me.

He is usually very unassuming. Indeed, historically He was the most approachable of the gods and still is. Unfortunately His reputation has been twisted up by movies and pop culture and over focus on His funerary aspect, which, although extremely important and His primary duty, is not His only layer. Pop culture by far makes it the most difficult to find genuine and useful information on the Jackal. Since pop culture tends to love the dangerous and the dramatic, it focuses on His funerary aspect in a negative way, as well as His Roman title of Master of Curses. Obviously that was the entire focus of His role in The Mummy (1999) and its sequels, especially The Mummy Returns (2001). As one can imagine there is a lot of contrived treatment of the Jackal because He’s the “dark, edgy, scary, death god!” While He very much can be scary and He is a god of death, He’s never really struck me as dark or edgy. Moody perhaps, but He’s a very calm god and actually has a sense of humor.

Another problem is how disrespectful people can be of Anubis and those trying to follow Him. When I first went looking for information I found a lot of disgusting and insulting information. People were clearly being condescending, saying that the best way to worship Anubis is to kill someone and mummify them or even mummify them alive as well as to build pyramids. Then of course there’s a tv show, bands, and other things have Anubis in the name. Research is hard to come by if you don’t know where or how to look and sometimes it’s inaccessible even if you can find it, usually because it costs money or is so academically inclined that it’s hard to read and understand. Finding information on any aspect of Anubis that isn’t funerary is even harder.

Thankfully, Anubis is a pretty approachable deity. Although it can be frustrating at times to realize that He’s merely looking at you pointedly while you’re scrambling to figure out how to worship Him, He’s very nice over all. He does that a lot btw, looking at you, patiently waiting for you to figure out and do what you’re supposed to do. It can also be hard to hear Him when He does speak. He absolutely speaks softly and carries a big stick, that He hides behind His back for only the right situations. Remember always that He may be kind and quiet, but that doesn’t mean He can’t and won’t whoop your sorry little ass. I have never experienced an ass whoopin by Him and I’d like to keep it that way. Remember what He does for a living, and where He lives. The Duat is not rainbows and sunshine, it has serious dangers that can obliterate your soul before you get to the nice parts and Anpu LIVES there. He is a master of the between, a god of the horizon, of twilight and dawn. This is part of the reason He’s so approachable, He has his hands among us mortals a lot and deals with our pain and suffering. He is one who makes things whole, He Who Makes the Divine Body Beautiful With United Members, ie a healer.

I think that’s something to think about. Anpu, a healer, and a mage. Yep, lots of the gods are good at magic, but Anpu is actually very good at magic. He was often called on for divination and the like because He was known as a Master of Secrets. He Who is Over the Secrets is just one epithet that demonstrates this. He actually has a truck ton of epithets. They’re really cool too and I’ll likely post some of my favorite ones later. But consider that, a god so well known for presiding over Death, a healer. A patron to the lost, to orphans and widows. Consider a god who presides over all these things, He is not loud or obnoxious, nor is He aggressive and vengeful. He is most certainly capable of being any of those things, but in general He is not.

He is an epitome of “silent strength” and “quiet fortitude”. A king of being assertive without necessarily being aggressive. A teacher of when to show teeth and when to just growl. That is probably going to be my next goal, my next lesson to learn. I think He likes to teach, and likes to help, but I also think He likes making our brains work for it. He wants us to try and think of it ourselves, of stretching our minds to new thought processes and to notice and see new things or old things in a different way. This can be very hard and extremely frustrating. I know because that’s basically what I’m going through now as I try to figure out what I should do to improve my life and myself, and to be on a path to prosperity. Noticing something you’ve been blind to is hard, because you really cannot see it even if it’s in front of your face. You don’t know it’s there and you don’t know what you’re looking for, so it’s difficult to get your brain to stop passing over it like it’s a background.

One has to wonder though, when you should stop and have it pointed out for you. Sometimes it takes to long to wait for the click and the opening of your perception. I don’t know when that is yet honestly. I just know He’s standing there patient, waiting for me to figure it out and see what He sees. I think though, that He’s getting to the point where He may need to point it out to me. It’s difficult to see and think outside of your paradigm and established patterns, because you’re still thinking in your established patterns in order to get out of them. Not to mention trying to get your mind to do something new is difficult because you don’t know what new feels like. I think the Jackal understands this, and I think He understands it more than some of the other Netjer.

I have some songs that I listen to that Anpu seems to like and that remind me of Him. Perhaps you’ll see what I see when you listen to them. I think something else I ought to say about Anpu is that He doesn’t usually communicate directly by words. Oftentimes it is nudges, feelings, intuitive knowing, and of course expression. I see His eyes a lot when He’s trying to say something. They are a reddish-gold and determined. I’m not sure why they often seem that way, though they are often full of gentleness and mirth too. I think Anpu is a god of the people and that more people should talk with Him, if only to have someone to listen to you. He seems very adept at communicating with other gods as well and can share.

I hope I’ve made Anpu seem accessible and conveyed at least some of His awesomeness. He’s apparently one of the most popular Netjer, along with Bast, but it often seems that He is one of the most misunderstood and who is most often the victim of bad PR. I have to say it probably doesn’t compare with the bad PR, misunderstanding and insulting behavior and such as Set and Sekhmet (and even Hetheru and Bast to some degree) receive, but it is pretty bad. There seems to be a ton of people saying bad things about Anpu or “worshipping” Him in a condescending and poorly understood manner and that ends up putting off people who could really benefit from Him and making it difficult for current worshippers to find decent information and get taken seriously. I have hesitated to say that I worship Anpu as my primary deity because I don’t want people to automatically assume I’m a fluff or worse, run into fluffs. Either way I would rather not get insulted and attacked. No matter what though, Anpu has been a great god to work with and He has helped me in some bunches.

Songs that I play for Anpu:
Listen to the Rain

Give Unto Me

Lose Control

Lost in Paradise

End of the Dream

Yes they are all Evanescence songs, yes I have more than just five songs that make me think of Anpu, and yes they are not all Evanescence songs. But these are the ones that have the strongest connection, especially the last two. Those are the ones I sing for Him in shrine, though not often. For some reason I find myself disruptively emotional when I sing in shrine. That’s probably something else I’m gonna learn about eventually, either from Anpu or Aset, about handling emotions and how to use them and let them loose. I am surprisingly afraid of my own emotions, for a variety of reasons I won’t get into here.

I think I’ll write on more about Anpu’s specific associations later and probably on making an altar and prayer to Him next.

Recent Life

Zolfyer says I don’t write enough about “normal” stuff (ie him, but he’s just being spoiled lol) so here I am! Currently our life is all over the place. Two weeks ago we went on a great vacation with our friends to the Pocono Mountains here in PA. We were out near the tiny town of Tioga (it is worth noting that there is a Tioga town, county and a Tioga neighborhood in Philly, we were in the second). It was really fun and much too short. We spent an entire day hiking by accident, we left the house at 2:30 and got back at 7 and that was after incurring a ride from a very nice gentlemen.

The hike started out going down the ridgeline behind the house to follow the creek up into the valley and after a couple miles of enjoying the water and rocks and forest our path became blocked by several fallen trees that would be unsafe to climb. I’ve rarely been so attuned to the feelings of flora before. I love plants and generally take the time to pay attention to their energy and what they are saying to my intuition, but usually it’s still a bit unsure and blurry, but not out there. It was extremely refreshing as well, the air was clear and smooth and chilled. I was worried that the exertion would set off my asthma, but it only got upset later in the hike after we were all tired and experiencing stress. But yeah, trees and cool air.

When we got blocked up by fallen trees we decided to climb the steep ridgeline because we were fairly certain that the field we could see was a landmark. It was not extremely challenging but it wasn’t easy either. We all ended up using a tree to help us get up because its roots were strong and stretched down the steepest part of the path. Grabbing that tree root was a little startling. I’ve rarely had such a clear communication from a plant, a sensation of “hold here, I’ll help, grab me, like your friends.” It was fairly baffling but very nice. Probably the nicest tree I’ve met so far. After climbing the ridge was when things started to become a little confusing.

We didn’t walk through the field because it was someone’s property, a cornfield still growing, but we walked along it. At a certain point the path naturally moved away from the creek and the ridgeline and we walked through brambles and berry plants. Those guys had thorns and they tried to bite me, probably for wishing that I could eat their berries safely. Nothing but crotchety plants from there on out. We ended up coming upon a meadow and it was amazing. I’ve never seen a meadow in real life, and the plants were so tall that we couldn’t reasonably cross through it. Going around it wasn’t easy, there wasn’t much of a path so it was rough going through the trees and such on the embankment around the meadow. Eventually we saw the creek again but the ridgeline was far too steep for us to safely climb down, so we did our best to skirt the meadow’s edge. Eventually we heard the sound of cars, which meant a road and went in that direction. Of course that meant walking through the meadow.

Now, the meadow was a little tamer where we were, but it still took us like thirty minutes to fight through the plants because they were still quite tall and very densely packed. Zolfyer has pictures on his blog of the meadow and in the meadow when we were halfway through it. On the other side of the meadow was more forest that was not easy to traverse. Low-hanging, sprawling branches and roots that can trip and twist ankles made it slow going to move safely. Two of us tripped and a lot of the branches were smacking and catching and slapping. We were still having fun, but it was still a bit frustrating and annoying. My friend and I are also fairly certain we walked through a faerie door. There were two trees making an amazingly perfect arch, like a church door and we walked in between it. When I walked through I had the matter of fact thought that I was pretty sure I walked through a faerie door.

We got a bit turned around after that, even seeing the meadow again. Eventually we made our way to a cornfield and we chose that direction based on the fact that we could see houses and telephone poles in the direction, meaning civilization and a road. Even the cornfield was a bit annoying. We had to follow a tractor trail in order to not walk through the actual corn and eventually made our way to the road. Then we had no idea which way down the road to go. Later we would find out which way was best and exactly how far we had gone. We had walked miles and all the way up the mountain and to the other side. It was spectacular and impressive just how far we’d walked. We were sore for the next three days lol Trying to figure out the direction for the road was when it stopped being fun. Only three people paid any attention to us calling out for help and direction and we don’t think they really knew what we were asking them to clarify. We ended up walking two miles the wrong direction and when we tried knocking on a few doors for help we were completely ignored. One woman even came out of her house and saw and heard us, but just called her dog back in and left us high and dry.

Eventually we managed to figure out on our own that we should probably go back and by then we were unhappy and tired, but an older gentlemen was outside as we made our way back and was able to help us. He gave us a ride too and we went to bed pretty early that night. It was fun and frustrating.

The rest of our week went pretty smoothly. I cooked some kickass mac and cheese, we made strawberry mojitos and had great fun with fire. We were kinda commanded by our friend’s parents to burn firewood and by proxy make smores. The smores were especially delicious with dark chocolate. We also watched Rock of Ages three times, all three tipsy or half drunk. All of us grew up on 80’s music so we sang loud and happily to the movie and enjoyed each other’s company. We also had a “gamer day” where we all sat around playing our video games in the same room. Overall it was very relaxing.

Well, except for the part where our car’s radiator blew up at the bottom of an exit ramp. Not literally of course, but there was a huge crack in it and the engine died from extreme overheating. Our friend ended up having to cover us for a nearly 500$ repair. Thank the gods that the headgasket didn’t go, otherwise the car would’ve essentially been totaled. Bob is 14 and a discontinued line at that, fixing the headgasket would’ve been more than his value. He’s doing alright now, so here’s hoping he continues doing alright until we can afford to fix him more or reincarnate him.

On Violent Dreams and Hidden Jackals

So I had an interesting dream last night. It started at my grandmother’s house. Gm was there of course, but really the weird part about this is that I have kids. A daughter and son. Now, this isn’t completely based in reality, I have no children and certainly not a pair of five year olds. Nephew isn’t even two yet and I know these were my kids in the dream. Anyway, we’re all watching tv and talking about something and the news comes on talking about danger and problems and end of the world and whatnot. I don’t know why I went outside but I did, hearing the neighbors half panicking and talking to each other about it. I was more worried about something else, but the danger warning was a serious problem. For some reason I feel it was directed towards me and not the “rest of the world”.

Either way I didn’t stay at Gm’s for too much longer. A friend had called saying that the kids’ father (not Zolfyer, it was some older white guy, like forties while I’m in my thirties) was on his way. Whomever this person was, it was not a good thing that he was coming. I was hardly worried about him getting there after I left, Gm is more than a match for any asshole. Being 5 foot even means nothing when you can be as nasty as a honey badger and have a pistol to back up your bite. Seriously, she can scare the tar out of grown ass men over a foot taller and any weight heavier.

I’m not sure where I went, there was a time skip of sorts. I’m sure we went back to our house, the kids and I. I don’t know where it is, but it was now night and I was inside. There was still news that the father was looking for us, but my friends (who, oddly enough, were veggietale-like creatures) were keeping him away and helping us. Eventually I see myself at work in a museum (the existence of which I would love, it was absolutely gorgeous inside) and talking to another friend, possibly my friend Jasmine, about work and other things which I can’t remember. Safety I think was one, being annoyed about something was another, like really angry about something not going how I wanted and getting worse instead, as well as people being dicks. I’m not sure what section of the museum I worked in was, possibly a section on animals and it was next to an art section. Perhaps, I’m not sure.

I then go home to find my veggie friends freaking out. They say that the father is on his way and some serious problems are about to erupt in the country and city, so we need to get to America. Obviously it makes little sense to sail from America to America, but alas we got in boats (at night) and went through the canals and rivers of the city we were in (I’ve never been to Venice, instead it was a fictional Philly) and climbed up the banks to a sheltered cottage surrounded by forest, though we could still see some city lights from the riverbank. It was a very beautiful house and was apparently mine, but I’m not sure. Inside I was doing a lot of things, cleaning and freaking out over something and making it safe and whatnot before putting the children to bed. I think a memory of another dream was pulled out and mixed up some of the details. Other people besides the veggie friends were there. I think Zolfyer may have been there but I’m not sure, faces were blurry in the dream as well as after I woke up. They were all here to help protect me and the kids.

After a while there was sleep and again a lot of extremely blurry details of events. I don’t think they were that important but it had to do with safety and things disrupting the harmony of the home. Demons and the like I’m almost certain. Then out of nowhere the father shows up and there’s a lot of arguing and fighting. They’re all trying to keep him away from me (who is in the kitchen) and the children (who are upstairs). He was saying nasty things about me and my mothering skills and was angry I was keeping the kids away, especially because the kids were terrified of him for being an abusive bastard. I’m not sure how or when I ended up in the livingroom, but I did and the kids were downstairs. Everyone was essentially telling me to kill him because we were fighting. I’m not sure how I managed to subdue him with a fork, or even why I had a fork or where I got it from, but I got him with silverware and then strangled him to death. It, was not scary, but it was very strange. I don’t generally kill in my dreams, much less get encouraged to do it. Either way, when he was dead I was upset and the children were too, but not for the reason I was. Well, they were upset I had to kill him, like I was, but not that he was dead. I was more upset that I had just murdered more than anything. It blacked out after that. Well, there was one last scene where all three of us dunked our heads in a pool of water inset into the brickwork where a fireplace might go to cleanse ourselves. After that there was nothing bad and we were free, or something similar. It took me a few head dunks.

After that I was in a room similar to my Pop-Pop’s guest room, but much larger and arranged differently. It was very bright in there and I was sleeping. Someone came into my room to wake me up. Now, in the dream it was my “sister” (the energy was closest to that of my twin) but not really her. She got on the bed to shake and poke my arm to wake me but said nothing. As soon as she touched my skin I knew that it very much wasn’t her but Anpu. I don’t know why or how or what but I have never been more sure in my life that it was my god in there at that moment. I woke right up and swung hard at “her” and managed to stop myself from swinging IRL at Zolfyer who was very much still asleep and has already gotten hit in the face by my sleeping movements. I even remember opening my eyes briefly to make sure I hadn’t hit him and to put my arm down gently. I remember saying very sternly in dream to the disguised Jackal that I was tired of Him showing up costumed like my sister. I told Him that if He wanted to talk He should just come as Himself. The “girl” frowned and took her hand back slowly, though I realize now she never got off the bed. My alarm went off just then.

Now that I’ve had time to think about and recollect the dream more thoroughly I wonder exactly who that girl is. She was not my sister though her energy was clearly familiar enough to make my brain think, at least at first, that that was who she was. I also wonder why she gave off the strong and undeniable energy and scent of Anpu. He’s been far today, probably because I’ve never snapped at Him like that before. I’m not even sure why I snarked so hard or how I knew that it wasn’t the first time He’d disguised Himself in my dreams. I feel bad because I didn’t even get to find out what He/she wanted or why they were waking me from sleep within sleep. Maybe I’ll get lucky and find out tonight.

There was also something else I wanted to talk about. Recently I embarked on a very Setian project. A satirical tumblr and facebook page on being the wackiest, most stereotypical, lunatic fluff pagan worshipper of Anpu. It seems the Jackal is not pleased with this. It’s been made clear that He would rather me write and spread good and true information about His worship to help others than to make satire, especially since people tend to miss the sardonicism and crassness and take things seriously and they aren’t meant to be. He’s also not happy with me trolling a facebook group that is full of people who lack critical thinking skills but are full of hubris and entitlement. So, in order to not incurring anger, especially since I just yelled at Him this morning, I probably will let those projects get taken over by others and not “waste time” per se when I could be helpful instead. So there’s that.

Set has basically disappeared from view. It’s so much so that I’ve taken His things off my shrine. I can’t say I’m angry or upset He’s gone, but He’s very busy anyway. Though, I have to wonder about the storm that happened earlier in the week, just a couple days ago. It was short and not particularly strong and I was going to sit outside and enjoy it. However, I got a very distinct impression of brooding, and crankiness, so I decided to stay inside. Considering I got those impressions after “saying” hi to Set, I could assume it was Him.

As you can see I do not have a boring life. And people wonder why I don’t sleep lol

Future Topics

I went through my search terms the other day and found some interesting things. Considering I like helping people I feel like I should write about some of the very specific topics that lead people to my blog. Here are the search terms in question that most caught my attention:
anpu associatuons
how to set up anubis worship altar
kemetic prayer
anpu a great healer

I’m not sure what exactly I’ll say, but I think these are good things to write about. Would any of my watchers be interested in these topics or have other topics they’d like to see me write about? Would anyone like to help? And then there’s always the KRT, which I’ll get back into eventually lol

Cracks

I read a blog post by a friend the other day and I have to say I’m unhappy. I’m the sort of person who strives to see their friends and family happy and cared for and is very protective. She, currently, is none of these things. I haven’t known her very long, true, but I do care and it sucks major fucking ass that she’s so far away that I can’t just barge in with cookies and hugs. I’m tired of seeing her suffer and I’m tired of watching her fall through the cracks.

What is wrong with people? What is wrong with the Kemetic community, with any community? Why reject someone who is clearly of value? Why ignore and turn away, or worse, abuse and demean, another person? Why destroy them or do nothing to help them? I don’t understand how so many can talk about helping others and becoming a stronger community, when those thrown to the shadows and those too quiet and meek to reach out are ignored or even chased away? How can you chase people away? How can you completely ignore and be oblivious to someone calling out for help and friendship, and out your ass talk about the community being terrible? It is unacceptable that someone should feel so alone and helpless that they cannot even fathom what it must be like to be part of a group!

What, the, fuck? Now, I’m not yelling at everyone here. We’re human, we make mistakes, sometimes it’s impossible to see those forced into the corner, in the alley, in the dark, but shouldn’t we at least make an effort to look? Shouldn’t we at least reach out when we DO see the lonely? Shouldn’t we make an effort not to talk over and forget those who are soft-spoken, shy, and easily frightened? Should we not be persistent with those who have difficulty reaching out, especially when they do reach out?

My friend should not be so alone, she should not be falling through so many holes and cracks. She has suffered from the cracks in humanity for a long time and still suffers. She is depressed and on the verge of giving up. Giving up her practice, giving up her hope. She is swamped in doubts and pain and confusion. There is so much static that she can hear no god and is losing faith that she ever heard them. This is unacceptable, and it is fucking bullshit that I can do little about it. I just want her to get the happiness she deserves and is worthy of. She’s a wonderful person, a lovely, awesome, delightful person. I just don’t understand how anyone could leave her out. Stop doing it, stop leaving people out. If they aren’t clearly lunatics or dicks, then there’s really little excuse. We are social animals, people die for lack of love, for lack of affection, for lack of community. And yet she and others are constantly rejected.

I think it’s time to pave the cracks. Look for the quiet people who have a hard time being social and articulate. Be friendly, offer help and friendship. Do fucking ma’at people. Who gives a shit whether Aset is a mystical rainbow goddess or not? Who cares if Anubis is an alien? Don’t be a dick. DON’T BE A GODSDAMNED DICK. Help people, be kind, welcome the misfits, the lonely, the lost, the searching. If they aren’t lunatics or dicks, there’s no reason to exclude them or stomp them or anything. Support each other, be encouraging. Disagree respectfully. Kindness. I’m not a “love and light” pagan or whatever. I’m pretty blunt, I can be downright belligerent and sour. I believe that there is a time and place for nastiness, violence, and cutting words, but there is a TIME and a PLACE. I do not believe in exclusion, not if someone is kind and helpful and has something to add. If they are not bad people and are not dicks and they are not dangerously unstable then why leave them out?

My friend is kind, helpful and has so much to add. But she’s been so shunned in her life and in the community that she doesn’t believe that. I love reading what she writes. I see her soul and mind bared and feel what she seeks to communicate. Her writing is not clinical or academic, but at times that is not appropriate anyway. I read her work to find her heart, because in the end that is what religion is about. Or that’s what it’s supposed to be about, in my opinion. Her heart is bright to me and I want to understand and have that same brightness. She shares her experience, her thoughts and feelings and I can understand that I am not alone in my struggles. I know I’m not the only one who gains insight and encouragement from her writing. I wish deeply for her to keep writing and to keep going. She struggles and I do not want it to be in vain. How many others struggle in loneliness and silence? How many others swim in pain and doubt and do not realize their value and worth?

It’s time to fix the cracks. Shiney I love you girl, don’t give up.