Doubt and Depression

Recently I’ve had some issues with doubt and a depressive episode. I had meant to write about this a while ago, but anyone who’s ever had depression knows that sometimes just getting up and eating is enough of a challenge, much less organizing thoughts for writing. Even now, when most of the dredge has lifted, I am eating because my stomach is mewling, not out of any desire to eat. Funny how that works huh?

I’ve noticed a pattern to my depressions, though they don’t always run smoothly into complete freedom. I also am prone to anxiety and panic, though I personally don’t consider them much in the way of panic attacks. I guess I can project calmness too easily or something. Or rather, I can keep the anxiety inside myself instead of it bursting out to startle people. Unless of course they get in my way while I’m cleaning or doing some other thing to dispel the anxiety.

I mention this because I find myself doubting the most during depression. Doubting everything and everyone. Myself and my sanity, my path and my gods, even my boyfriend and relationship. It’s very disconcerting and not easily dispelled. I spend a lot of time reminding myself of what I know and think and feel when I’m healthier and that this too shall pass. I admit I often even doubt that, that it’ll pass. It’s difficult to see out the tunnel when there’s no light right?

During this time I read an article by Devo. It’s a very useful post, especially for those confused newbies, but for someone depressed and not hearing their gods it can be a little faith-shaking. I wondered (and still wonder) if I did enough research, if I thought things through enough. I am aware that my initial foray into Kemeticism was childish and born of childish thinking and desires, but I feel I’ve wizened up a little. Still, I had to wonder if I had been too rash and foolish and if I should backtrack and change things up. I guess one of the Netjer decided to intervene here because every time that thought popped up so would thoughts about how they’ve come to help me.

Aset responding clearly and quickly when I called out to Her for help. Anpu talking to me and comforting me on several occasions. Anpu, Aset and Set helping me out when I was panicking over my grandfather’s health (and Anpu giving me something to help keep nightmares out of the house). Set talking to me and hanging around when Anpu was busy. Anpu recently came back too. Aset was pleased with my recent cooking expedition. I really have no idea what’s going on with Set, but who ever does? Perhaps I should have taken more time to consider and been more thoughtful and researched more, but now I’m here and gods have responded. I still have more learning ahead of me, but for now I need not doubt.

Dreams and Such

If there were an easy way to become a skilled dreamer I’d take it. Why? Because that seems to be the easiest form of communication for me. There probably are ways to become one, but I imagine they aren’t easy, but things never are, are they? I plan to make an effort to get working with my tarot cards again, and maybe try scrying. A friend of mine told me that it would probably work well if I was sensitive to subtle changes in my field of vision. I am, that’s how I know there are ghosts in my house lol Or notice an insect or mouse flying or scuttling. Yet somehow I always get surprised by someone sneaking up on me XD

Anyway, scrying, tarot. I honestly need to do more research on scrying and techniques for it, and I’m now of the thought that it may help me to play with my tarot more than use it for reading. The reason is that the cards give me a different impression than the results I get by reading the book, especially because some cards give a very complex reading that can clash or not make sense. I’ve seen the recommendations (even in the book the deck came with) to write about the impressions one gets from the cards and to not be afraid of going with your intuition for interpreting the cards, but I’ve always been of the camp that you should start with the materials before forging your own path. Nevertheless, it may be time to go about path forging because I still have little luck by using the book. It could be lack of practice, but it could just as much be that my cards are trying to speak to me outside of what their creator heard from them. And again, she’s said in the book that one should see what the cards say before reading the booklet.

Now, to the point of this post, as seen in the title. Lately the gods have been quiet. I’ve felt like a lone stone being washed through a river. Tumbling and confused and a bit cold, both in mundane life and spiritual practice. I haven’t really known what to do about either. I feel like my regular devotions are void and stale, but I don’t really know what else to do but those, especially to exit this Fallow Time. The only warm thing in my mundane life has been the job that just ended, my boyfriend Zolfyer (who rarely blogs), Sister and Nephew and friends. Mostly online friends since I rarely get to see my IRL friends. Recently however I had a bit of a surprise. A newbie Kemetic, who just so happens to be a Jackal kid, read a poem/song of mine that I wrote for Anpu. She liked it, she thought it described Him beautifully. And a few days later, I heard a door open and Anpu walked into my head. It was incredibly weird to literally hear a door open in my head and have my god walk in and take a seat. He seemed to be in a very thoughtful and not so talkative mood. So, I said hi, welcome back, and left Him to think thoughts in my brain.

I may or may not have gone to sleep soon after that. I can’t remember exactly when this little interaction happened, but it was definitely sometime this week. During this week me and Z’s car finally got fixed, so it’s no longer overheating, I also got to hear the nonverbal child at work speak several sentences and words very clearly to my extreme delight, my depression finally lifted, and Z and I went to a job fair. Unfortunately my assignment ended, but I can hope that I either get a job soon or get setup with one of the kids I worked with this year in September. Though honestly I can’t say that’s the best thing since i’m also supposed to start school then, which could create a scheduling problem. Here’s hoping for at least a few online classes right? Shit, here’s hoping I get into the nursing program!

Anyway, I clearly remember a dream about feeding people and cooking for people and other helpful big sis/mom things. I don’t remember who or why, at least one person was someone I do not know IRL. I also know it involved very strange things with cheese. I was making mac and cheese and messed up the cheese sauce by looking away from it for just a few moments to fuss at someone, and when I looked back it had turned into a massive unrealistic ball of half-melted cheesiness. To say I wasn’t happy would be an understatement. Considering I’ve never made mac and cheese before I didn’t like that I’d messed up, but I went ahead to try and use it anyway. It didn’t turn out bad, it just turned into pizza when I served it. I feel that’s when it devolved into silliness. I did not like that it had turned into pizza, but everyone else liked it just fine, so maybe this is more about me getting over shit changing from what I had intended after messing it up to something still decent and useful.

The second dream was completely about helping someone. I was online with SatSekhem and another person (I don’t know if they have a blog or what it is, sorry, but I shall refer to her as BR). We were using Skype and speaking to a baby Kemetic (also a Jackal child) about several topics. We were mainly encouraging her and answering questions. One of the questions she asked I can’t remember, but we all got very involved in the answer. It had to do with worship, but unfortunately dialogue always goes first in my dreams. It wasn’t just us three either, all the people from the Kemetic Facebook group I’m part of were in on this, but SS, BR and I were the most talkative and the focus. I do, however, remember the second very important question the newbie asked. “How can you have a full time spiritual life and regular life?”

I don’t remember why she was so frazzled and worked up about that question, but it very much worried her. Well obviously SS and BR had a great answer and they answered her. I was about to give my answer when all of the sudden the view panned out to a third person POV to reveal her standing near me even though she was also on the computer. For some reason we were in the middle of the street, no traffic at all. It was, for the most part, the block my grandmother lives on. No idea why we were there, though I do know I had been in the street simply because I saw I was sitting on asphalt. I tell her to hold on while I type the answer up so that she can have to read over after I give my answer in words to her later. This is very interesting to me because I’m hardly an expert on balancing spiritual and mundane life, much less one who could have a serious and developed answer. And I was very ferocious and determined to answer all of her questions and help her be sure of herself. That’s not outside of my personality, but considering I’m not juggling the spiritual and mundane very well IRL it’s baffling.

Then, she started to ask me about the neighborhood and my family. I’ve no idea why, she just did, I guess we had talked about that before the dream started and now that she was there she could ask in more detail. I told her about where I was and who lived nearby, and conveniently GM and Sister came out of the house to get in the car. Neither of them drive and no one owns a car like the one they were getting into btw. I take her over to introduce them all and then my mom shows up. I introduce them only to be woken up by Z calling out to me. I had talked in my sleep and was wondering who “Ms Carolina/California” was. The girl’s name was apparently Carolina. I don’t know anyone by that name. There are plenty of explanations for this dream, but I have no idea which one to go with. I am only more confused considering the baby Jackal Kemetic who just found my blog.

A Song for Anubis

206 broken bones
I’m lying here, lost and alone.
I’m fallin apart
In this silent dark.
Can someone restore
What I have lost?
Is there hope for the lost?

Can you find me Jackal?
Can you smell my pain?
Won’t you come and help me?
I need your Love.

Over the Horizon
I see His face!
The Brightest Shining
In this dismal place.

He calls out to me!
“I see you Child!
I’m coming to find you
And restore your precious life!”

Come heal me Lord!
Keeper of Hearts!
I’m crumbling,
I’m falling,
I’ve lost my Heart!

Over the Horizon!
I see His face!
The Brightest Shining
In this Twilight space.

He holds me in His arms
I feel His warmth.
It spreads through me slowly
My life starts to course.

He knits me together
Like He did for His Father.
My bones are healing
He knows each and every one.

Over the Horizon!
I see His face!
The Brightest Shining
In this morning place.

Oh Great Jackal above
Your love knows no bounds!
Master of Secrets of both Above and Below ground
Can you hear me praise you?
Though your bandages cover my mouth?

I lay so quietly
I can’t hear myself breathe.
I sense You near me
I feel your love, though You don’t speak!

Over the Horizon!
I see your face!
The Brightest Shining
In this lovely place!

Back for a Bit

Lately I’ve felt like writing and I don’t really know what to write about. I feel like it would be helpful to actually use my blog since it’s been sitting dead and quiet for a while. I’m going to start school in September, which is good, because as my mom says “two years are gonna pass by anyway, might as well do something that’ll help you.” And she’s right. At first I was hmm-hawing over what I would go to school for or if I really would go, but, I have decided. Nursing is what I’m pursuing and I plan to do well. Here’s hoping I get one of the seats in the program because the particular one I’m aiming for is quite competitive.

I’ve been doing ok in the spiritual department lately. I’m still not really sure what I’m doing or supposed to be doing. I’m not entirely sure how to ask. Or who to ask. I figure asking the Netjer would of course work, but I’m not sure I’ll like the answer. Or if they’ll answer, since, ya know, quiet Anubis and all. I do have a few thoughts, but I can’t say what they’ll really do or mean. I figure if I make it a point to do things they’ll like I’ll at least have devotional actions down right? Right? That’s easy to do for Aset, because She’s a very home-centered deity. Even my job can be dedicated to Her, because I work with children. Now that I think a bit about it, I guess in a fashion that could be dedicated to Anpu as well. He is a guide after all and He makes things whole. Helping special needs children, guiding and wholeness, makes sense to a degree.

I still feel distant from the gods. Still like I’m missing something here. What is it? Something important is going over my head. I look at other people and they interact and get requests and instructions and aggravation from their gods. Am I not interacting enough? I think that may be it. I still have a ways to go. Still a puppy over here. Luckily Anpu is patient, because a part of the reason I am caught up in life. I’m still figuring so much out and worrying over money to pay for everything, especially now that school is coming. I don’t want to be one of those people who is always nagging someone or a god or divination for the answers and not trying to figure things out for myself, but I feel like I’m being told that it’s ok to ask I guess? At least it’s easy to hear late at night like this.

Anyway, nice to see you alls. I shall be going to bed now.