Decisions and Health Update

My health isn’t significantly worse than the last time I wrote on here (knock on wood). Mostly just more persistent, pronounced weakness, that apparently greatly dislikes stress because it often gets worse when I’m anxious and running around. More muscular pain and joint pain as well, and the numbness and paresthesia are now in all four limbs, though it doesn’t affect my arms and hands as much.

 

My neurologist still doesn’t know what’s going on, she did another MRI of my brain, and did one of my cervical spine, zilch. Now I’m trying physical therapy and trying to get in to see a rheumatologist. Physical therapy assessment posits me as having hyperreflexia, balance problems and a couple other things. It’s nice to have objective proof that something is wrong and I’m not just crazy.

 

The last month I’ve been struggling with some decisions though. I very much want to go back to school, but I’m not certain about it. I can’t do another round of health breakdown, fail/drop out. I would be crushed to face that disappointment, waste of time, energy and money, again. I really want to be a nurse, but I’m no longer confident that I could finish a program. I was thinking of doing an LPN program, they’re typically a year, but even then. I’m not even sure there’s one that I could do evenings. The ones closest to my residence are day time, and I work a full time job.

 

I started thinking about social work or psychology/counseling. Yes, they need a master’s degree, but I imagine that’s less intense than nursing school. I’ve also been doing research on being a nursing student with disabilities, not that it’ll matter if I can’t get a diagnosis before next fall. At least if I do social work I can start in the spring. I like mental health care and just helping people in general, but I also really enjoy clinical work, which is why I like being a medical assistant. I don’t know what to do or how to do it. I just really need a clear, indisputable, unignorable sign about which direction to take myself school wise.

 

In the meantime I have been considering how best to set up my house so I can start my practice back. With a toddler I want to be careful about smoke and low lying objects, but I also need it to be low spoons, especially since Kali is deserving of my attention and I’m sure Anpu has work for me to do. It’s hard trying to find resources on culturally correct, low spoons, low budget (cuz I’m broke and can’t afford to not eat offerings) worship of the Devi.

Advertisements

Big Changes

I mentioned briefly in my last post that there’s a lot going on for me. I started work full-time as a medical assistant for a large hospital network (despite being fairly rote I am delighted with my job). Zolfyer just got hired full-time at an insurance company, which, while not being his field, makes him happy because it’s with one of his best friends. Now, for those of you in the know, this is totally the fulfillment of one side of a bargain.

In March I had a dream of Kali smirking at me. I’ve mentioned before that she’s been stalking me for years, and if you’d seen the smirk you’d have done what I did. Alright, fine, I’ll stop being a wimp, what do you want? We can do this.

She was fine with that response. She was winning. I told her, if you can get me and Zolfyer jobs, good jobs that’ll enable us to pay all our bills, including our loans, and still save, I’ll worship you. I’ll do it as properly as my poor, chronically ill self is able, in a way I can actually keep up with. I’m not doing it halfway, so we probably will have to compromise, but that’s the deal.

Well.

Here I am.

With jobs and trustworthy, cheap childcare, and it’s looking like our new home budget will be more than enough, especially if we get into this one apartment complex we’re after.

So now I’m trying to find reliable sources on the lay worship of Kali Maa, preferably with accommodation for sick folks.

And you know what? I’m delighted.

So Much Change

I had a baby everybody! She’s adorable and is 8 months old, currently trying to stand without help and ignoring solid foods. She really just isn’t interested, and I only care because it makes it harder to let anyone babysit since she’s breastfed and stopped taking bottles. Also, the potential for anemia, but I think she’s ok right now. She’s getting two more teeth, for a total of six, four up top and two on the bottom. She’s also super chubby and I love it, and she looks like a pudgy version of her father. It’s great.

On the religion front, things are all over the place. Not really, but it isn’t the same situation as last year. Anpu and the other netjer have been fairly distant and unreachable. A friend suggested that there might be something going on in the Duat keeping their attention away. I’m inclined to agree. In the meantime, that’s left me in a bit of a pickle faith-wise. Kali, who has been poking around and saying hi regularly for a couple of years, popped back up. I have resumed my research into Hinduism as a result.

This is fine for the most part. I don’t have a lot of space and have to be careful with things like incense and food, so I’m doing more research than what most people might initially do, trying to find acceptable alternatives and get my life together. I know, get my life together, at 25, how naive right? But I’m gonna try! So here’s to trying yes?

Not All Polytheists

The Twisted Rope

This past weekend I noticed a thread on tumblr circulating about a new post over on Gods & Radicals about extreme-Right politics and it’s appearance in Paganism/polytheism. When I first saw the thread, I skimmed through the post, shrugged my shoulders and moved on. To me, there wasn’t anything particularly earth-shattering written in said post. It discusses some of the hallmarks of authoritarianism, and how it can manifest in people’s ideals, and then goes over some people and groups that have been shown to have these ideals and/or purport them. It then discusses how the New Right might be influencing certain groups, which groups are possibly more at risk than others, and then discusses some ways to (possibly) combat Fascism in our communities.

I don’t know that I agree with all aspects of the post and I don’t know that I would have written about the topic in the…

View original post 1,647 more words

Being a Pagan of Color- Cultural Appropriation in Kemeticism

Hi ladies and gents and those in between, I’m back! For a while I’ve been trying to figure out this thing called life and religion, so my blog has run quiet for a while now. I’ll try and be more up to date, but I make no promises. I got this idea today to write about being a Pagan of Color, specifically a Black Pagan, since that is my primary identification and experience. If you have any suggestions for posts, feel free to ask and I will get back to you.

Today, however, I specifically wanted to talk about this accusation of cultural appropriation in Kemeticism. I really hate white people telling me what to do, but I hate it even more when they ignore my existence. See, in the community, especially on Tumblr, it seems like we have at least one person trolling some newbie Kemetic’s blog and telling them they’re racist and appropriating because they’re white. Or rather, because it’s assumed they’re white and that only white people are trying to be Kemetic. Um, no, for one thing I and many other black people exist in this community thanks.

Second, you can’t culturally appropriate from Ancient Egypt (modern Egypt, on the other hand, is a different story). Here’s why: first, Ancient Egypt was an open culture. They were so open a jumbo jet cargo plane could do loop-de-loops through it and not hit a closed door. Any closed doors were closed for reasons other than what culture you were from (like educational level). Second, Ancient Egypt didn’t have a modern concept of race. You were either foreign or you weren’t, and if you did the legal citizenship thing you were Egyptian. Sometimes you didn’t even need to do that, just assimilate enough of the culture and bam, Egyptian.

Let me just pause to make a particular point. The Ancient Egyptians were not black. Technically speaking, no one born and/or raised in Africa is black. They’re African. This is a very important distinction and the terms African and Black are NOT interchangeable. I am Black, I am not African. I will never be African and will always be black. My family tree stops at plantations and native tribes, with two branches reaching into the Philippines and Germany. I will never know my African heritage or anything about those ancestors, that is the legacy of slavery. I have been severed from that continent and can never connect with it again, not as an African, not even as a black person. What would I connect with? How? Africans may experience racism when they move to America, but they are not black. Their experience with racism and blackness is separate. They and their families didn’t go through slavery and the stripping of their culture and history, at least not at the hands of American slavekeepers. They cannot connect with Black culture the same way. Further, Africa has thousands of cultures and identities within it, you erase those when you equate Africans with Black people, just the same as you erase the heritage of Black people when you call them African. This is why most Blacks call themselves such, instead of African-American. If you meet an African immigrant or the children of said immigrants, you had better mind yourself and ask them what country/tribe/identity they hold and call them that. Do not insult them and erase their heritage by calling them Black. You’re proud of your Italian or Irish selves, they’re proud of their Yoruban, Eritrean or Nigerian, etc selves.

But the Ancient Egyptians were not black. Besides the fact they didn’t have the same concept of race, genetic studies have shown that they weren’t very different from modern Egyptians, who are Arabic and Semitic and otherwise Mediterranean. During ancient times, they were considerably mixed, due to their open culture and imperialistic ways (kind of like America, we’re a melting pot partly because we keep invading other countries and forcing them to assimilate our culture) as well as their relations with Nubia, parts of Europe, the Ancient Near East and parts of the Middle East. On the by and large though, they were Arabic and Semitic, just like they are now. Claiming cultural appropriation on these grounds is just ludicrous. They wanted their culture spread and weren’t black, no matter what Afrocentrists say (newsflash Afrocentric people, you’re not actually afrocentric you’re just obsessed with Egypt. There are thousands of supremely awesome cultures, both ancient and modern, in Africa that actually had what we would today consider of African descent, like Nubia, just to start with. You’re trying to erase history and a modern culture, and take something that was never yours, while ignoring and erasing the rest of the continent. Knock it off. Look up Shaka Zulu or something).

Next, Ancient Egypt is a DEAD culture and DEAD religion. It would be one thing if some part of the culture or religion was still alive, being used by modern descendants, but the culture died out in its entirety and was replaced. Extinct cultures are more eligible for use by modern people of all stripes. Further, the people of Ancient Egypt were not subject to modern issues of racism, oppression, imperialism and colonialism. It isn’t stealing and spitting in their faces, treating them and their culture like a commodity, a shiny thing, a unique thing to be used like paint to spruce up your life or be special. It isn’t ignoring their protests, their history, their suffering, it isn’t exercising privilege and disrespecting and discarding what they have to say and how they feel about their culture, or how their culture is viewed and used. It isn’t stereotyping and simplification, it isn’t stripping their identity down to a couple points and wearing it like makeup. Especially since their culture was open and imperialistic, meaning they wanted it to spread.

Lastly, there are black Kemetics! There are Kemetics of other races! It ain’t just white people looking for some shiny thing they can stick their hands in. It is true that we have some white members of the community who are racist and act grossly, but on the by and large white co-religionists do their damndest to be respectful and socially aware.

I’d also like to make a comment on this accusation that we’re disrespectful to our gods because of the Kemetic Fandom. Mind. Yo damn. Business. We don’t have hubris in Kemeticism. Our gods can defend themselves. And have you seen the Ancient Egyptians? They put puns in their hymns and prayers. They literally threatened the gods. They bribed them and identified as them for spellwork. They would identify each part of their body as a god to be even more powerful. Dick jokes are everywhere. They drew porn on walls for fuck’s sake. They were banned from practicing law in Roman courts because they weren’t serious enough and made too many jokes. Leave us the fuck alone and mind your fucking business. Why don’t you focus on your own divine relationships and religious practice instead of wasting your time trying to boss us around? Keep in mind that just because you see a lot of jokes doesn’t mean we’re not serious behind the scenes, or that we don’t take our gods and religion seriously. We do, but we’re not obligated to show that to you or tell you about it, especially when you barge in bossing us around according to your standards and disrespecting us and treating us poorly. You aren’t the be all, end all of religions and piety. You don’t have a right to define anyone’s practice or judge whether someone is “serious enough”. Handle your own business and we’ll handle ours.

So that’s my take. Questions, comments and concerns are welcome, and if you have suggestions for other topics (keep in mind that I am primarily black and will not write about other races and their struggles as pagans, nor will I comment on lgbt issues as a straight passing bisexual) say so!

 

Spirit Work & Mental Illness

The Twisted Rope

Alternate title: Quit romanticizing my illness.
Alternate title #2: Quit demonizing my treatment.

Every so often I will see little flare-ups in the pagan community that center on two fairly unrelated topics: spirit work and mental illness. Don’t get me wrong, these topics can be related, but they aren’t necessarily related, though many people try to make them out to be. I’m sure many of you have seen articles like this and this that go on and on about how we’re killing our spirit workers because they have mental illness and are not handling it “properly”. And if we’d only just learn how to “properly” handle these “gifts” that we’ve been bestowed, we’d suddenly find that our problems would poof out of existence.

Being a spirit worker myself, I read these posts and feel my jaw clench shut as I find rage welling up in my stomach. These posts are…

View original post 1,969 more words