A Praise and a Prayer

Praise to the Lord of Heaven, who walks between the veil.
Sweet hymns to the Lord of the Two Lands,
The Lord of the Pavilion.
Joy, joy, to He Who is Upon His Mountain
And cool water to the Jackal, who prowls the desert.

He Who is Lord of Ma’at,
Lord of Hearts, the Powerful Face,
Turn your pure heart to me.
He Who Gives Air in the Coffin turn your blessing upon me.
Let me never be against thee, He Who Defeats His Enemies.
I am forever under your protection, Lord of the West.

Turn isfet from me, Mightiest of the Gods
Banish the Demon Snake from my heart.
He Whose Body is Hidden by the Awesomeness of Sekhmet,
Chief of the Butchery, protect my life as you would your father.

Bless me, for I am your daughter.
Watch over me for I am your child.
Protect me as my life is your life,
As my body is your body.

Praise to your strength, Lord of the Desert!
Feasts are made for the Lord of Life!
For you are the Immense Strength
And the Jackal Who is Quick in His Motions.

Pleasant scents are burned in your honor, Chief of the West
And fresh flowers are cut to please you.
I can sing your praises for days, Lord of the Divine Booth
And never run out of things to say.

Who can say anything against you Lord?
For you are Lord of the Sacred Land
in All Its Beautiful and Pure Places.
You are the Divine Falcon and Magnificent Jackal.

Praise, praise, to Anubis.

(Many thanks to the Beautiful Daughter of Jackals, Bezenwepwy, creator of http://www.per-sabu.org without her work and dedication I wouldn’t know half the epithets used in my writing above.)

Prayer and Shadow Work

Yesterday Z asked if he could pray with me. Obviously I didn’t mind, especially since part of the reason he wanted to do so was to be supportive. It was fun, though I forgot to warn him that frankincense can make you loopy. He borrowed one of my free candles and prayed quietly while I made offerings of water and ma’at to Aset and Anpu. They were looking at him though. It didn’t occur to me why for several minutes as I made my basic prayers. I also didn’t notice Dapper nearby until later. Basically, all the Others in my house were paying attention to Z and it flew right over my head.

Afterwards I noticed he was taking a little while to pray, so I waited and then proceeded to ask Anpu if He wouldn’t mind helping Z with whatever it was he was praying for. Said Jackal said He didn’t mind and would think about it, but also had to ask “his maker”. I didn’t really know what to make of that. I knew Anpu wasn’t going to tell me anything about this “maker” because He had told me to mind my business the last time I asked about who was watching over Z.

Z and I talked for a little while with the candles and incense still burning when he was done praying. He revealed an interesting tidbit about his beliefs. I think it’s really cool. Essentially he feels like you should always pray with lit candles because the fire is alive. It represents the spirit’s life force and energy. He pointed to his candle which was flickering wildly and joked that he was mad at that one because obviously it had a lot to say. I mentioned that maybe everyone was talking to each other since Aset and Anpu’s candles were also wavering and flickering vigorously.

He then mentioned that he hoped the candle was Dapper. Well, Dapper was on the bed behind him so I asked him why he hoped it was the wolf. “Well I asked him for help.” Z proceeded to explain some of the things he had prayed about. Work, being unsure, trying to become sure (in his beliefs). Dapper likes Z so I didn’t think that would be a problem (though Dapper finds him to be a very strange human) and my gods were interested it seemed.

We talked for a little while longer, including my finally informing Z that frankincense has been scientifically shown to affect the brain a little like getting high (Z’s complaint about feeling “elevated” and spacy is what started that). He followed that with jokingly accusing me of trying to make him crazy. Finally we went to bed with him complaining that he was now cold with the candles put out, specifically his candle. Before bed I mentioned that Dapper would probably help, especially if he shared some food.

Z went to sleep quickly and true to His word, Anpu showed up. He grabbed my hand and pulled me right into the temple and towards one of the mystery doors. I immediately started looking for Dapper and calling to him. I even asked Anpu where he was. Dapper showed up, smiled at me and kept right on walking.

“He’s got other things to do. For you and Z. He did ask for help after all, you’ll be fine.”

I frowned at Anpu’s comment, but it stopped mattering at the door. It was completely dark beyond the doorway and I was frozen. Now it was in front of me, the start of my shadow work. I didn’t want to move.

“Come on, we have things to do.”

I stepped back. “I’m not ready.”

Anpu turned me around, to see the boring and empty space where I had been for the last year. I could see Aset watching us from the chair.
“Do you really want to spend more time here, in this boring place?”

I shook my head.

“Come on then.”

“I don’t want to.”

“I don’t care. I told you this was coming. I gave you warning. I didn’t even bother you when you slept earlier, I let you rest and you slept deeply.”

Z shifted in his sleep and pulled my attention back to this world for a moment. When I turned back to Anpu I was through the door. Dammit. I looked around and saw three corridors. One to the right, left and straight ahead. All were dark.

“Go on, follow your heart.”

Such a sappy thing to say, but I was a sappy person, so I started walking to the right. I thought to myself, of course, how nice, a labyrinth. The right corridor got light as a door appeared. Inside was, predictably, a labyrinth. However, it was one where the walls only went halfway up. You could see the entire thing and the other side. It was also small, about the size of an apartment. Whatever Dapper had to do it wasn’t so important that he didn’t show up for my first task. It was sweet that he was worried. On the other side of the labyrinth I could see a throne on some raised platform steps. You know what I mean, I just can’t describe it.

Instead of going through it, I climbed it. I could practically see Anpu covering his eyes in exasperation. Climbing the walls and walking across the top of them probably wasn’t how he saw me solving this puzzle. Maybe he expected me to whine or stand there trying to figure out the path for a minute before walking through, but I’m the sort of brat who would rather circumvent the rules. The whole “well you didn’t tell me I couldn’t do that!” excuse.

“Be careful.” Dapper said. He walked through the labyrinth so he could catch me if I fell.

“That’s kind of cheating isn’t it?” Anpu said.

“Nope. You didn’t say I had to walk through it.”

“It kind of is cheating though. You know how these work. You’re so damn stubborn.”

I got to the other side and jumped down. Dapper looked me over and walked through a door to the side of the throne. By the throne was a small fat Buddha statue. I picked it up.

“What’s with the fat Buddha?”

Anpu said nothing, and again my attention broke momentarily to check on Z. And again something changed when I turned back. The statue was a crown instead. I put it on my head and sang a song about being a pretty princess. I imagined an oversize robe and scepter like I had seen in an anime and sat on the throne. Then I unceremoniously chucked the crown to the floor. I was no princess.

“Why not?”

I turned to see Anpu sitting on the wall of the labyrinth. He shifted his form to better match one of my favorite representations of him, drawn by an artist on deviantArt.

“What? You like this one better don’t you?”

I ignored the second question. “I’m just not. I don’t deserve to be.”

“Why is that?”

I didn’t answer. I already knew where this was going.

“You’re thinking about high school already.”

“I had a lot of problems. I shouldn’t have even graduated. I didn’t try hard enough.”

“Really? You had other problems, you tried plenty hard.”

*some dialogue is redacted to protect privacy of myself and others*

“It’s hard, when you’re constantly told that you’re smart. Now you have to live up to the expectation, to stay smart, to be smarter and then maintain that.”

“You realize that your insistence that you didn’t try hard enough just illustrates that unjust pressure right? You did what you could.”

I lay down on the floor in a huff, picking at the gems on the crown.
“This isn’t even a proper princess crown. It isn’t pretty enough, it’s a generic boy’s crown.”

Anpu snorted, suppressing a laugh. “Gods you are spoiled. How are you so stressed?”

I ignored him, using a knife to pull the crown apart.

“You are a princess though.”

“How so?”

“Well, you’re my daughter aren’t you?”

I looked at him in confusion.

“You wanted me to be your Father right?”

I hadn’t asked Him that in a long time. I hadn’t thought about it very deeply either. He had never answered me on that point, so I let it go. He got up and spun a mirror into existence. He literally put his hands out like He was holding it, and the mirror spun into existence in the space. It was some cartoon nonsense for sure.

“How do you see yourself?”

I got up and looked in the mirror and was supremely startled at the reflection. This was the part where I began to wonder if I was really talking to Anpu, really starting shadow work, really in the astral. It was so…entertaining that I wondered if I should take this seriously or if I was just making shit up or getting conned. The mirror reflected not me, but a wolf. The wolf I always imagined myself as since I was a little kid, the one I always wanted to be. If I ever became a werewolf I would look like this. It was profusely confusing. I didn’t think Anpu knew how strongly I wanted that. Of course, magic mirrors being what they are, when I stepped back on the wtfness I was that wolf.

Anpu patted me on the head, an expression of pride on his face. He picked me up in His arms and walked out of the labyrinth, no physics necessary.

“Who am I?”

“The Royal Child.” I said. It had come to mind right before I asked, that one of His epithets was such.

“Well, don’t I also embalm the King?”

“Yeah.”

“So, what does that make you?”

Annoyed. I thought. He set me down outside and shooed me on. I couldn’t decide where to go next. There were things down all the halls that I needed to see, including a door in the labyrinth we just exited.

“Pick somewhere.”

I huffed. “Don’t rush me.”

After literally spinning in a circle trying to decide where to go I decided on going back down the hall towards the original door. I could come back to that door in the labyrinth room later. The hall didn’t exactly pass the original door back to the temple. It did, but it was blurry and backlit with white light. I couldn’t go through it even if I wanted to. I made a right down the hall directly in front of said door and found Z. It was vastly unexpected. He wasn’t moving, and I ran around him checking for any issues or injuries.

“Keep going.” Anpu urged me.

“I can’t, he can’t be alone here. What if he gets lost?”

“Dapper is nearby, besides he can’t move. He is safe.”

I curled around Z’s feet for a few minutes before getting up and continuing down the hall. I tried not to fret, Dapper had been nearby. I found myself in a room and regained my human form. Inside this room was a screen. It was completely dark and various slides were flickering across it, all of them showing a woman and child shortly after birth, though each was different.

“Planning on showing me some past life stuff?” I asked as I examined the pictures, recognizing myself and [privacy] in the photos.

“Yes, but I haven’t decided yet.” Anpu said.

Then a giant steel arrow hit me in the chest. This was yet another moment when I questioned my sanity and the events. It’s just so over the top to me. Which is really a ridiculous thing to think because I’ve honestly heard about even more “ridiculous” proceedings before. It didn’t hurt per se, and the arrow was very pretty (can you see my priorities). I didn’t really know what was going on, I was just startled and on the floor. So startled that I got knocked back to this realm (the fact Z was stirring in his sleep didn’t help). I managed to reconnect and felt my mind dripping through the floor with my blood. Anpu was in the room below, and I said to him that this doesn’t seem much like shadow work. It wasn’t supposed to be fun and painless right?

He frowned, annoyed by that for some reason. He grabbed me and yanked me and my body through the floor/ceiling and let me fall roughly by his feet. It was majorly uncomfortable, especially since the arrow came with, but it wasn’t exactly painful. The most painful thing about it was having my brain so roughly shoved back into my body.

“Better?”

I glared at him, rubbing my chest underneath the arrow.

“What’s with the arrow?” I asked, looking around the room. There was no door, nor were there windows. It was black and dark, with a weird false light that made it possible to see without fire. There was also a black bookshelf and a couch. An amorphous table and TV were in here too, shifting in and out of existence.

“It’s to hold you together.”

“Huh?”

“The soul is made of multiple parts remember? The ren, the ib, the ka, the ba, and the shadow.”

“You had every word except for shadow.”

“Yes, go look it up, I want you to know these things.”

I thought about where I had last seen the word for the shadow. Someone’s blog. Anpu nodded, confirming that I could find it there.

“You have a bad habit of splitting yourself off when you’re in pain. That’s not very useful for shadow work. You can’t repair yourself if your soul is in pieces.”

“Oh. I didn’t know I did that.”

“Writer’s tend to do that a lot. You can create worlds for your pain-ridden pieces to go. Your feelings become your characters. You don’t have to feel them.”

“I see.”

“Shattering yourself is why you sometimes can’t feel like you want to or don’t understand what you’re feeling or why. Some other piece has the information, but it’s off somewhere else.”

“Interesting. So, what are we doing here?”

“Waiting.” Anpu said, sitting on the couch.

I sat next to him, feeling awkward that this giant arrow adjusted itself to not be in the way of sitting.

“For what?”

“Your soul pieces to come back. Other people have them.”

“Really?”

“Some were taken, but most you gave away. It isn’t so strange, everyone has a piece of some other person’s soul.”

“Hmm, what about [name redacted]? Does he have a piece of my soul?”

“Your interesting gay friend? Yes, of course. You have a piece of his too.”

I giggled. He was my interesting gay friend, but hearing anyone, much less a god, refer to him that way was funny. I examined the arrow as my thoughts turned to someone else.

“What about Z?”

“He has many pieces. He also tries to give you his ib. He doesn’t know he’s doing that. He breaks himself up a lot too.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“His ib holds all of him together. He doesn’t understand this, so I stop him. You realize the arrow is through your ib don’t you? The center of your soul that holds all the pieces together. Only I can take whole ibs.”
Anpu then handed me what looked to be a glass shard. It was brown on one side and perfectly reflective on the other. I knew exactly what this was, as soon as I touched it. It was a piece of Z, and although the reflection looked normal, I caught a glimpse of how he saw me by looking at myself in it. Even just that second was overwhelming. I pressed it to my chest protectively. I could never let anything happen to this.

“He’s very stubborn. He insists that you at least have a piece.”

I looked at Anpu, feeling overwhelmed and frazzled. There were no words to describe the wave of feelings that I sensed by looking at myself through Z’s shard.

“How can I protect this? I need to keep it safe.”

Anpu handed me a box from off the black bookshelf. “Put it in this.”

I took the box and placed the shard inside. The box was cushioned and lined with soft, red fabric. Anpu had already placed protective spells all over it and I whispered over the box. I have no idea what I said, it was more direct emotion and what little knowledge I had of protective magic and symbolism.

I hugged the box to my chest, knowing I would never let anything happen to it. Anpu shook his head, muttering something about stubborn humans. I told him to shut up because it was hardly mere stubbornness from either of us.

Our dialogue was interrupted by a sudden pain I had. I usually don’t have strong physical sensations from an incorporeal being’s presence, but this time I did. It was a pressure against my head and back and I rolled over to check on Z who was still asleep behind me. I embraced him and could “see” him standing in front of a being with a shifting form. It’s form settled on that of a seraphim, with wings covering its face and feet. They were talking and the angel hugged him and turned to me. It smiled at me, saying nothing. I asked what it wanted and told it to leave Z alone. For some reason I thought it was trying to guilt Z’s soul into staying attached to a religion that didn’t help him.

“Don’t disrespect it. Leave it alone, it means no harm.” Anpu said from behind me.

I did as bidden and stayed quiet. I realized I still had the box in my hand, and the arrow through me. I was back on the astral. The angel did eventually leave, with one last smile to me. Anpu commented that for someone with so much patience I could be rather short tempered. I told him my patience is only for kids and He could stuff it.

A Song for Anubis

206 broken bones
I’m lying here, lost and alone.
I’m fallin apart
In this silent dark.
Can someone restore
What I have lost?
Is there hope for the lost?

Can you find me Jackal?
Can you smell my pain?
Won’t you come and help me?
I need your Love.

Over the Horizon
I see His face!
The Brightest Shining
In this dismal place.

He calls out to me!
“I see you Child!
I’m coming to find you
And restore your precious life!”

Come heal me Lord!
Keeper of Hearts!
I’m crumbling,
I’m falling,
I’ve lost my Heart!

Over the Horizon!
I see His face!
The Brightest Shining
In this Twilight space.

He holds me in His arms
I feel His warmth.
It spreads through me slowly
My life starts to course.

He knits me together
Like He did for His Father.
My bones are healing
He knows each and every one.

Over the Horizon!
I see His face!
The Brightest Shining
In this morning place.

Oh Great Jackal above
Your love knows no bounds!
Master of Secrets of both Above and Below ground
Can you hear me praise you?
Though your bandages cover my mouth?

I lay so quietly
I can’t hear myself breathe.
I sense You near me
I feel your love, though You don’t speak!

Over the Horizon!
I see your face!
The Brightest Shining
In this lovely place!

Pagan Blog Project- D is for Daily not Dilly-Dally

I know I’m late and haven’t done a C post yet, but C is fighting me, so I’m gonna ignore it and then go back and beat it into submission.

So yesterday I baked bread for the first time. No one in my family makes bread from scratch, by hand, despite just about all the women being prolific bakers. I prefer cooking over baking, so I figured I’d get into the family hobby with something practical, especially since I’m not yet brave enough to start experimenting with recipes from cookbooks. Before you ask about that I’ll mention it when I beat C into submission.

This is the Result of that endeavor

This is the Result of that endeavor

I think I did ok for it being my first ever bread (or baking completely unsupervised). I had a lot of fun with it, especially the kneading and such, though I’ll admit that takes a lot of work. Talk about arm strength, it looks easy but it’s so not. What’s the point of me talking about this? I’m getting to that. You see, ever since I became a Kemetic I’ve wanted to make bread, after all it’s a common staple of Ancient Egyptian offerings to the Netjer. It was seen as an epitome of collaboration between man and Deity. Netjer makes everything needed for the bread: water because it’s frigging water, grain, cows (for milk and butter), grass for the cows, soil to grow everything in, more water for growing, sunlight, fire; then humans take over and take those things to transform it into sustenance and offer the creation back to the Netjer. And we all know AE was all about cycles and balance. Bread is the shiznit ya know?

Now, I never actually baked anything for the Jackal and Sir Chaos-a-lot, but I have cooked for them and bought things they like. Then there is Aset. She came along in response to be going “omg I’m falling apart and I suck at being a girlfriend help!” And She did, which makes me happy, because I like Her presence. She and Set don’t fight over my head either lol Speaking of the Storm God I have honey now and that’s His little personal request, should get on that. Aset hasn’t really asked for much from me, keep my room clean is really the main thing, something I’m gonna do today because it needs to be done badly and it’s annoying me by being disorganized. Oh, I’m off topic, back to baking.

I’ve wanted to bake bread in Aset’s honor for a while since She joined the Panel O Gods. I hadn’t done it, in fact I hadn’t baked anything for Her at all. I’ve cooked a few dishes in Her honor, but I feel like She’s more concerned about the baking and the caretaking role that cooking symbolizes along with other things like cleaning unbidden and whatnot. I’m still working on that, I kind of clean spontaneously on my own, meaning that there could be weeks that things go uncleaned. What ultimately prompted the baking last night was a combination of wanting to introduce myself to Ganesha (that’s a story for another time) and to finally do something solely in Aset’s honor and with Her in mind.

And I did it, I made bread, even if it is misshapen and more cake-density than bread-density. And too small for sandwiches. But I did it! And it tastes delicious, and Aset and Anpu were proud of me and Set told me not to take His rolling laughter personally XD I’m going to try again tonight after I clean my room and the kitchen. I have to say that I’m glad I didn’t use my mom’s bread machine. There is something awesome about having to get all the ingredients and then mix them, then there’s the kneading and the beating and finally the oven. I like making things with my hands even though I don’t do it nearly enough. Even with baking sweets you don’t really get your hands as worked and dirty as with bread.

Now, to the point of the post, which was not bread (I’ll admit I want to get more praise for the attempt XD). Besides wanting to improve my relationship and closeness and ability to hear my deities, I want this to be more than just a spirituality. I do actually like ritual and structure, which is why I’m so upset that no one has more songs out for the Netjer, especially MY Netjer. I like singing and have managed to modify a couple songs from my Christian days for when I’m really like omg needs to sing nao. This baking of bread is something I want to do regularly, especially since I live in a house of bread lovers lol

But, this was also an attempt to start me on a path to daily devotions. I haven’t been doing daily devotions at all, they’ve been highly sporadic. The fact my lighter just died, I need new candles and I can’t find my other ones is just saying I need to be paying more attention. I’d like to spend a little money getting some incense and a holder for it. I like incense and I’m at my mom’s and don’t have to share a room so there’s really no excuse. Besides it’s not like I don’t know how to do mini devotions while I’m elsewhere in the universe. Not just that, but my deities deserve at least consistency from me. It’s not difficult to offer a little water at night in a corner or something. I will admit that it’s quite a bit of laziness as well as a hangup over not having something a little more proper for an altar.

This is one of those times however, where “I’ll try harder” is not enough. I need a clear and determined resolution to persevere and do devotions at least once a day no matter how tired or lazy I’m feeling or how little I have. Trying gets nothing, it’s a matter of doing. I feel like I made an ok start since I sat my ass down and did devotion last night even though I was tired and it was 1 am and I had to get up six hours from then. I feel like it was appreciated and I got a Holy Hug, which was great because I wasn’t feeling well emotionally last night when I went to pray.

I feel a little bad because I didn’t go to shrine this morning when Anpu asked me to sit in since I was too tired to get up and shower. (Yeah, some mornings I don’t shower, so sue me). It took a lot of strength to get up just to go to work, which was pointless btw since my client didn’t show. I don’t think He was angry about it, I think He was trying to give me the chance to get some Holy Hugs before work. I will be making an appearance at shrine tonight too, especially since it’s Friday I really have no reason not to. I’m going to have to take a good look at my schedule and make some decisions about things and how to discipline myself, especially about going upstairs at night. I’m a night owl and insomniac so sometimes I truly have to will myself to bed even if I’m thoroughly exhausted and that often interferes with devotions at night or any chance of them in the morning. I get the feeling that Anpu may want both morning and evening shrine time. It’s just my intuition because He hasn’t said so or given a reason He might, but I’ll have to plot that out, especially since I’m not a morning person.

Thankfully I have a patient god and goddess and Set hasn’t decided to sock me yet so yeah, we’ll see. Mayhaps I can get Iretenra over at Black Fur, Black Wing to help bug me. And there’s always Shine over at Per Ma: House of the Lion (they’re both so wonderfully nice). Hopefully they’ll have some ideas for how they keep up with the daily thing, even when every fiber is straining for the sheets instead. Maybe my stepdad has a drill so I can put these shelves on the wall so I’ll feel less poor in front of a trunk lol XD (maybe I’ll get a doorknob!).

Hopefully this baking and breaking of bread will lead to better things and daily things. I want to be close to my deities and I believe in myself.

Asthma Again and Goddesses

So yesterday I finally got my room back. Yup, my sister moved into mine when she had Nephew and her room got turned into storage. Of course that meant when I got back to my mom’s house I had no place to sleep. Yesterday we finally finished cleaning up and arranging her room so now I have mine back! The only downside is I am allergic to dust, among other things, and that is one of the things that always sets off an asthma attack. Now, luckily my asthma has been relatively well behaved since I last wrote about it, though it’s still way too angry at life, I know this because my inhaler is nearly half empty (yay for a counter on it).

Anyway, the moving and cleaning and such set my asthma off as I expected. Now, as anyone with a chronic lung disease knows (or hell, something short term like a bad cold or pneumonia or flu) knows how exhausting it is. Not just that, but it completely disrupts sleep and restfulness. Like last night. I actually often dream of having an asthma attack if I’m having one IRL and last night was no exception.

It started off with me traveling with Sister and Boyfriend and some other random happenings. During this time there was a scene where I was in the car with Boyfriend and Sister and said something about Serqet. That I should pray to Her because this was getting to the end point. I actually prayed to Her in this dream, something like “Oh Lady of Lungs, Guardian of Breathing, come close to me”. We then went to Sister’s friend’s house who lived near my grandmother (this person doesn’t exist IRL) and she’s nice and kinda energetic and for some reason is trusted with babysitting Nephew. Now at this point I’m talking to her and she’s talking about a whole bunch of strange stuff that I can’t remember. I remember around this time I took my dose of albuterol for sudden symptoms. It seemed to work and the friend invited us out.

I don’t know why we accepted, but we did and I got into a van with her and Boyfriend and Sister got into another one. There was a bunch of people in both vans besides us and we went to this big house where people were outside and inside praying and listening to sermons. They weren’t Christians though, they looked more like Muslims in fact. I don’t know what this meant but I actually didn’t go listen to any of it, in fact I went to find Boyfriend and Sister. I was complaining about my asthma again and how I didn’t want to use my inhaler again, it was too early. I did eventually, but my asthma was just getting worse through the course of this dream.

Eventually I ended up using the inhaler four more times, each one not working and my breathing just getting harder. It was a horrible feeling, especially trying to use the inhaler and not even feeling like you’re inhaling the medicine into your lungs but just into your mouth. At a certain point the dream even had me going into my drawer to get my spacer that I haven’t used in years to try and make it easier to breathe in the medicine. I never use it mainly because I know how to properly use my inhaler without it, but I was hoping it would help and it didn’t.

Eventually I just went to find Boyfriend and Sister again (I had been exploring the house and talking to people) and had them call 911. Now, it takes a lot to get me to ask for an ambulance, I have a ton of tips and tricks that I’ve learned over the years to stay out of the ER, but this was just like no, I won’t be stupid, just call the hospital. In the meantime I was somehow in my pajamas and wanted to change, which was like pulling teeth because for some reason I had no regular clothes of my own and Sister wouldn’t give me any of hers. Eventually she did and I set about finding someplace to change.

I went upstairs and found a huge bathroom, but it was open to the staircase and had a strange window on one wall. I tried to change as fast as I could before people came upstairs, but it wasn’t fast enough. Some dude came up and was just staring at me before trying to talk to me and grab me. I just could not get my clothes to cooperate and this asshat was creepin on me hardcore. Others started to come upstairs though and made him get back, but it was still an issue of privacy. Even though he got back, he kept staring and so did others. Eventually I got my clothes on and went downstairs where I met up with Boyfriend and Sister and went outside.

I asked about the ambulance, it still wasn’t here and that made no sense since we weren’t in East Jablip or something. Outside was a playground and children, including a mom and her two kids. I overheard their conversation with each other, both the woman’s daughter and son were having asthma attacks and they were waiting for an ambulance too. There’s weren’t too bad, not nearly as advanced as mine, but enough to warrant an ER trip all the same. The slow ass ambulance finally arrives, but with no lights on and just one. So then it was making the decision between who would go first, me or the kids. I looked at my fingernails since I had felt dizzy for a while and saw they were blue. Cyanosis. You have to be pretty fucking bad to get cyanotic, to have so little oxygen and breath that your nails are turning blue (lips and skin blueness are also a sign of cyanosis).

I showed my nails to the EMT who was acting like he was around kids who got an arm scrape as opposed to three people suffocating to death and he said “dingy, cyanosis, come on”. I woke up as I was getting in the ambulance. I was, in fact, wheezing substantially and was eventually forced to get out of bed and retrieve my inhaler. To say I wasn’t happy about being up at 7am from breathing troubles and a headache is an understatement. The asthma has bothered me at least half the day.

This of course had me waking up with Serket on my mind. The last time I wrote about my asthma, Helmsman-of-Inepu made a suggestion of talking to the goddess Serket. She is said to be a goddess of the lungs and of breathing (and water and scorpions and other venomous creatures) and could be a useful netjer to pester about lung health. He also suggested looking into medical heka about it as well. Now, I don’t know much about heka, or about this goddess, but ya know what? I’m willing to find out and knock on Her door. I’ve had this mild feeling that there was another goddess I wanted to get to know anyway, and She and Aset are friendly, so yeah. Conveniently, I found one of my asthma books that I never finished reading (like, I didn’t even finish chapter one O.o) last night, so I’m gonna get to reading that so I can do more on the mundane plane. Tonight or tomorrow I’ll make offerings to my three established deities and open a conversation with Serket. Maybe I’ll pose a question on magic to, well anybody now that I think of it XD Set, Aset and Anpu all have magic, the Jackal and The Lady are especially well known for it. Who knows, I’ll give it a shot. Wish me luck, I’ll have to make quite a few changes in my life and eating to move this along to better lung health.

And one last thing, completely off topic, I hope all the children from the shooting are resting in peace. I pray for their souls and for their families. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain that must be felt. Let this serve as a starting point for peace and peace talks that actually mean something and get somewhere in our country. May Anpu lead the dead to rest and Aset embrace the grieving families.

First Prayer to the Three

Hey you three, I wants to say hi. I know we’re still getting to know one another and all and I’m tripping over my feet, so I figure to help me get better and more comfortable with talking to you, I’d write letters here. It’s partly because I like typing, like my blog, can keep my thoughts and things private if I really need/want to, and can keep everything together here as opposed to in ten different notebooks/journals. I will likely get notebooks specifically for this purpose as well when I get money or can decide on an already owned one, but I hope this is a good start.

Anpu, I appreciate you taking me in. I know I didn’t exactly start this off with the most mature intentions, but I really can see me being your follower forever. Learning about you revealed so much more than I thought and I can’t wait to see and learn more about you. Your calm and patience is forever appreciated, especially since I can be so very difficult. I don’t know what you’ve got in mind for me, but I feel like I can trust you not to hurt me, you are a guardian of the lost after all and sometimes I feel very lost, and that’s often when I feel you nearby. I can’t tell you how much that means to me, and I very much appreciated you and Set making your presences very obvious last week when I was upset and enraged over unkind things that had been said to me by someone who claims to love me and when old hurts by this person boiled up after. I think back to my old religion and realize that I’ve never palpably felt such comfort and affection from that god. He never outright ignored me I don’t think, but it was always words, never a comforting presence when I’m near tears and want to set things on fire and take a pole to everything breakable. I didn’t think I’d ever prefer silence over words, but actions say so much more and you came through for me and we’re not even that close yet. I can’t wait til we’re closer than my mentors with their gods. The thought makes me happy. I’d love to hear more from you, more in terms of maybe things you’d like me to try and do or get, things that would make you feel honored and worshipped, or simply pleased to call me yours. Life as an adult scares me, so does life with Set, and with You and Aset. I am afraid of messing up with you three and with Boyfriend and with everything. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to even get that life started. Every turn I feel like something is burning the rug under us and I don’t know why or how to stop it. I need some clarity or comfort here, just to say what would be a good turn to take or just a “patience, I got this” would be great….Here’s where faith comes in I suppose, I trust you and I trust Boyfriend and I trust Set. Still would help me relax if I got an “it’s ok” or something, cuz I’m struggling and lost and need you.

Set, I’ll admit you terrified me. I never thought of you as evil, in fact I’d never heard that stuff before I started looking into this path. I can’t say I’d heard of you beforehand period, but luckily I found those who know you and got me the real info on you first. You still make me nervous, after all you’re insane, a nut, and you are tough. But, you barged your way in and now I’m determined to be yours as much as Anpu’s. The thought of the havoc and chaos you’ll undoubtedly wreak in my life to toughen me up and make room for great things both in my soul and my mundane life is nerve-wracking, but I know you aren’t just gonna leave me alone to flounder til I drown and at the very least I have a calm force in the form Anpu. It’s gonna be like staring down a bull and scary as hell, but I believe I can trust you to whack me when I need it and tear apart mountains when I can’t take them anymore. In Christianity they talk about god being the one who will rend the earth and give up whole nations on my behalf, but also being the one who expects much and gives challenges to bring you closer to righteousness and I swear they stole all of that from you. Just, I see you being the one to tell me to put my big girl panties on while threatening some Thing or Person to back off or else. The Else being fire and sand and the strength of your arms and skill of your blade. We’re still getting to know each other, but I’m sure I’ll have fun and get angry with you for a while of my life yet. No matter what craziness you’ll bring or how intimidating you are, I find myself trusting you. I find myself believing that you aim to help me and that you care about me and I find myself wanting to be closer and seeing the Crazy Princess of Destruction that my mentors see. I pose the same question, help me with ideas and requests to facilitate dialogue and relationship building between you and I. Not just that, but help me understand where my life is going and why it’s not going or doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. Am I not doing something right? Am I overlooking something? Even a general “go look over there, I saw something shiny” would be great. Please and thank you?

Aset, my lady who I have only just met compared to Anpu and Set. I feel you nearby, waiting patiently. I know I asked you in for a purpose and that purpose hasn’t come about yet, but I feel like we will grow close in the future. I know it was a little ridiculous to ask for your teachings as a Wife and Mother when I am not even close to those right now, but you came anyway and told me you would help. I cried out in need and frustration and asked for you to help me in these ways and you came, just like Anpu and Set have responded when I reached out in tears. I appreciate that so much, so very much. And you have not asked for much since then, but I want to give you something or do something that will make you feel honored and appreciated. It would make me happy to have something I could do for you.

I know I can be kind of deaf, dumb and blind and hardheaded. I know I’m whiny and a crybaby, but I ask and speak out of sincerity. I would keep going, but I’d be babbling at a certain point and I am tired. The only thing I would ask of the three of you is to maybe help me find a way to communicate, or rather, hear or notice your answers, more easily. I’m still stumbling around in the dark here, I am still operating on how I was taught to communicate with deities from a different religion and mostly in the dark here. Floundering sucks, but I’m trying to think and work on it and would so appreciate help here. Love you three, but I must be off to sleep ya know?

Raging Prayer

Oh Set,

shaker

mover

Oh powerful one of Ra

lend me your ears and strength.

I feel rage, boiling powerful rage.

Rage that seeks to destroy

to kill.

It wants to destroy all that is breakable

and kill everything that lives

including itself.

And under it is sorrow

and pain.

Bind it, oh Lord of Chaos,

tame it as you tame the dark each night.

Beat its head

crush it beneath your heel.

Take this snake of isfet,

demolish it as you would Apep.

Destroy it with your hands

rend it with the power in your arms.

This rage is not lovely,

it strangles its own righteousness,

bring it to Ma’at,

give it to Sekhmet.

Let it be brought to a rage of justice.

Oh Lord of the Unexpected,

take this unexpected thing and let it be used for holiness.

Let it be a shield against harm, let it be a shield against myself.

For this rage is not wholly good,

it has flaws that it hates

and makes it all grow larger.

Let this fire be one of higher purpose

and not merely destruction and pain.

Set, my god, guide me in the use of this rage

let it be a thing of ma’at

do not let it be consumed by isfet.