Decisions and Health Update

My health isn’t significantly worse than the last time I wrote on here (knock on wood). Mostly just more persistent, pronounced weakness, that apparently greatly dislikes stress because it often gets worse when I’m anxious and running around. More muscular pain and joint pain as well, and the numbness and paresthesia are now in all four limbs, though it doesn’t affect my arms and hands as much.

 

My neurologist still doesn’t know what’s going on, she did another MRI of my brain, and did one of my cervical spine, zilch. Now I’m trying physical therapy and trying to get in to see a rheumatologist. Physical therapy assessment posits me as having hyperreflexia, balance problems and a couple other things. It’s nice to have objective proof that something is wrong and I’m not just crazy.

 

The last month I’ve been struggling with some decisions though. I very much want to go back to school, but I’m not certain about it. I can’t do another round of health breakdown, fail/drop out. I would be crushed to face that disappointment, waste of time, energy and money, again. I really want to be a nurse, but I’m no longer confident that I could finish a program. I was thinking of doing an LPN program, they’re typically a year, but even then. I’m not even sure there’s one that I could do evenings. The ones closest to my residence are day time, and I work a full time job.

 

I started thinking about social work or psychology/counseling. Yes, they need a master’s degree, but I imagine that’s less intense than nursing school. I’ve also been doing research on being a nursing student with disabilities, not that it’ll matter if I can’t get a diagnosis before next fall. At least if I do social work I can start in the spring. I like mental health care and just helping people in general, but I also really enjoy clinical work, which is why I like being a medical assistant. I don’t know what to do or how to do it. I just really need a clear, indisputable, unignorable sign about which direction to take myself school wise.

 

In the meantime I have been considering how best to set up my house so I can start my practice back. With a toddler I want to be careful about smoke and low lying objects, but I also need it to be low spoons, especially since Kali is deserving of my attention and I’m sure Anpu has work for me to do. It’s hard trying to find resources on culturally correct, low spoons, low budget (cuz I’m broke and can’t afford to not eat offerings) worship of the Devi.

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Things Suck

I feel like writing right now. Things are going, interestingly in my life. Kali has staked a claim, Anpu maintains his, and whether or not Kebechet and Aset stick around is still up for grabs. School is set to start in September and I’m registered for classes, and I still haven’t decided what nursing school I want to go to. The reason that’s important is because some school have a spring semester deadline and i need to make sure to apply. In other news my bathroom and kitchen ceilings got rained down. Today and yesterday (as well as last week) there were torrential downpours and it finally fucked the roof last night. I am not looking forward to cleaning my bathroom of the foul water that sluiced through the ceiling vent. And yes it was necessary for me to say sluiced.

I’m tired. I’m frustrated. I’m stressed. I can’t even sleep in my bed because the bathroom is disgusting, so I’m at my grandfather’s. On top of that, Z is struggling. His job is really sucking the life out of him. I’ve been praying, he’s been praying, others have been praying for us, and he’s been searching hard for a new job. Yet no dice. It’s incredibly frustrating. He’s becoming depressed, though he would likely deny it, but I know the signs. What do we have to do to get a little luck around here? I can’t even make offerings and pray at my shrine. This sucks.