I’ve been gone for a while, I know. I think I’ll probably be on a little more, but I make no promises. You definitely won’t see me doing too much religious posting, like catching up on the dozen questions for the Kemetic Roundtable. Mayhaps I’ll do a couple PBP posts, but they may just be unaffiliated in any way with anything but life. I think that’s something good to do for a while, just write for myself, not for anyone else, which is essentially how I think of the KRT and PBP. Ah well.
Lately life has been kicking my ass. As usual there’s a lot of shit, then a seeming upswing, and then a vicious backhand. At the same time I’ve been in Fallow, for a number of reasons, not the least of which being laziness. Z’s job opportunity fluttered away (can’t remember if I mentioned that in some other post). Then recently he got another that would’ve been great, but that one didn’t just flutter away but stole his work too. Both of our current jobs are not only about to end but are completely sapping us and wearing us out. We are frayed at the edges and staring, again, at unemployment as the school year comes to a close. Our car got banged up and we’re still not finished getting it repaired, mainly because we can’t afford to not be using it. Luckily our mechanic is a gift from the gods, otherwise we’d be paying a hell of a lot more to fix the issues.
We just can’t seem to save. Any time we get on a roll something happens to fuck it up. Why? What is the universe trying to tell me here? Wait longer? Wrong path? Wrong person? I hate you? Why am I constantly being served shit pie?
My depression came back. It floated lighter last week, but it’s sauntering back down now. It’s been back for a month and a half or so. The anxiety is back too, with a vengeance. I had a nightmare about having a panic attack or breakdown at work. You don’t do that shit in front of little kids. You just don’t. There’s no way to answer their questions and they’re so freakin sweet and caring. One of them asked me today if I enjoyed working there. The real answer was no, not usually, but I told her the opposite, ie most of the time. The school is dysfunctional and out of control. Chaotic and overwhelming, even the good kids are exasperating. Then there’s my client who has been…just…not conducive to my own stability and sanity. Never in my life have I been more convinced that I am more than depressed.
I find myself either angry and agitated or near tears and shitty. The depression taunts me, snapping with blood and saliva at my face, warning that it could destroy me again like when I graduated high school. It’s been four years. I should be graduating college, but I’m not. It really has been four years since I left high school. So many of my friends are finishing college and working. One is pregnant even. I never hear from any of them. I reach out all the time and either I never hear from them or the conversation ends quickly because one or both of us are busy or get busy. I’m lonely, Z is lonely. None of our friends talk to us anymore or hang out, we can’t contact them reliably. It’s not their fault, but that doesn’t make it better.
We’re not too good at networking or making new friends. Zolfyer is a shit ton better at it than I am, but even he has trouble. Shyness sucks, being a bad conversationalist sucks more, and then be an introvert too? Yep, that’s me. So often I feel unwanted or intrusive when I try to poke into conversations or be friendly. If I can even get the courage to talk. I think this is part of the reason I’m struggling so much with my gods. No idea what to talk about. Sometimes I forget how to talk. That’s a problem with people too, not being able to talk, to articulate. So many thoughts and no matter how hard I push, nothing leaves my throat. So many arguments and other things that could have been avoided if I could just move my mouth.
I’m also afraid. I need to be looking for a job, but I haven’t applied anywhere. I’ve done some looking but not a lot. Not enough. But I am terrified. My resume is a mess. It’s skewed hard in one direction, and covered in less than a year jobs. Technically I’ve been with Staffing Plus for more than a year, like two or three, but as an independent contractor I’m essentially a temp agent. And all of my cases are short and temp. I have no degree and it’s nearly impossible to find listings for childcare period, much less ones that will take just a high school diploma. Someone suggested the school district or the IU for my county, but I honestly don’t know if I can do that. I don’t know if they’ll take me, or even look at my paper. I don’t know if I can keep doing this work.
I looked so long and hard before giving up and taking cases with Staffing Plus. What if the same happens again? I don’t want to work for them anymore. I don’t want to, I can’t. It’s too stressful, too fluttery. It’s not stable. I feel like I’ll never be able to do anything but retail or SP until I can finish school. But that’s a whole different bag of pretzels.
School. The very expensive thing I’ve fucked up four times. Now there’s something I’m worried about. I’ve already wasted time, effort, and money. I really don’t know what I want to do with myself. Nursing and plants, honestly. That’s basically what I’ve narrowed it down to. But, what if I fail again? What if neither of those things is what I really want to do or go to school for? What if I fail again? It’s so much money, but I need to do something. I have no direction here.
I have no direction anywhere. I don’t know who to ask. I’m lost, so lost,
and I’m sinking fast.
The ship is going down, and I’m tied up inside it. There’s no choice to ride this storm and hope that I survive it.
Drowning is my biggest fear, suffocation haunts my mind,
as is the terrible urge to cut away my life.
I can’t find my mind in this sand, I don’t know where I’m going.
and worse I cannot even ask which way the wind is blowing.
Who starts the fights I have? Who causes the depression?
It doesn’t really matter now, what matters is the pressure.
Pressure grows with expectation, and boy isn’t that just high?
Like a black old tidal wave, it crushes me to pieces.
I don’t even make sense to myself.