The fuck is this?

So I had a new dream last night, starring me, Sister, Boyfriend and one of my other friends. Main theme? Drug abuse apparently! I have no idea what was up with that shit. I was in the house playing a game and trying to find something related to something else lol but at a certain point I go into the kitchen and see Boyfriend and another friend tucking snorting coke. Like, WHAT?! Like at first they were just looking at and talking about it and I came in and was like “wtf is this shit” and they’re like leave us alone we’re adults. And the rest of the dream really revolved around this situation and trying to stop it. I don’t even know.

Advertisements

Thoughtful Dreams

I still can’t sleep without medicine at night. I don’t know what the problem is, but it really needs to go away before my assignment starts. As such, I haven’t been having any dreams because that’s just what Benadryl and other drugs do to you, they either erase dreams entirely or give you really screwball ones (as an example, the first anti-depressant I tried had me dreaming of phone calls and talking in my sleep so loudly and extensively that I woke myself up). I managed to remember we have melatonin supplements in the cabinet and I took that instead. While it did take like two hours to really affect me, I was able to sleep and actually dreamt.

The dream was kinda awkward, something about school and then stuff, I haven’t thought about it most of the day so I lost stuff. But I do remember going to “church” with my mom. We were having a mild disagreement about something and were going to a seminar of some kind that had to do with church. I don’t know who was talking at the pulpit and I don’t really care either. He was saying something about religion and salvation and then a song from church popped in and was there until after I had woken up and been that way for an hour. Another dream stepped in, this one about spirits and demons, but not demons who were there to hurt me, spirits and demons who were there to help me. I’m not sure how to characterize it.

My first thoughts were maybe part of my brain wanted to go back to Christianity (it’s possible since I didn’t leave with negative feelings towards the religion itself, just the setup where approval by humans is required to get in). The other thought was maybe YHWH was trying to get me back. Who knows, can’t really extrapolate a deity’s thoughts on anything. That last one stuck with me more than the first thought though. I’m really not sure what was with the spirit and demon though, I had crafted a story in my mind before I went to bed about a highly sensitive teenager (like, very clairvoyant and mediumistic, talented at scrying and reading auras, and doesn’t enjoy it in the least bit, especially when other kids ask him to do seances and shit) and quite frankly the “me” at that part of the dream was my main character (yeah it’s easier for me to craft stories as that person being me, I write a lot of first person as such). I honestly cannot be sure though. Unfortunately I just don’t remember enough detail for that sort of breakdown.

Perhaps I’ll have another strange dream tonight, that seems to be the theme for the last couple of weeks, strange dreams with profound hidden meanings. I actually have got along with my mother recently so I am rather curious what’s up with her popping into my brain space, she usually isn’t there. Whatever, I’ll just see what comes up by the morning.

Ponderings

I be a ponderin’ some things. I came to thinking about this by reading other’s posts and bringing back an old thought. And that thought was “WHY DO I HAVE SET ON THE BRAIN?!?!” I thought at first that maybe said deity of desert and chaos was trying to get my attention for Himself. When I did a small ritual for Him, I didn’t get much of an answer, perhaps more like a “no, not you, you already belong to someone” sort of vibe. I know He was there but more of a “gee thanks” with just as much genuine thanks as scathing sarcasm lol I’m really not sure what’s going on here, but I started thinking, what if He’s near me and on my brain because He’s looking for someone else? Perhaps I’m close to someone who’s attention He wants? I feel like that’s pretty much it, though I could just be picking worms and throwing them at you. I’m not sure here, it’s not like He’s forthcoming with the information.

Who knows, but I do know this, Anpu is awesome. I was glad to come across this one blog and it has hymns and such (modern :D) for the Netjer. It only has one for my beloved Anpu, but it sounds good and I may print the lyrics and learn the song. I love singing to Them and I’m not one for song writing, so finding someone else who has done it is great. I want to write another poem for Him too. I wish I could light His candle and one for Set, but the smoke tends to get trapped in the cubby despite the window behind it. No smoky room for me please. I also want to buy some oils, but I can’t afford them. Too bad, I’ll figure something out, it’s not like They don’t understand. Such a short post for me, but I’m basically done lol

My sister is an unemployed single mother and so was my own mother. I’m with Aubs on this, this is the subject that’ll make my vote

DON'T PANIC

Yesterday, my cousin tagged me on a Facebook post that turned into a running debate about what was more important to voters, the economy or the abortion debate. First, I’d just like to say that I was pretty pleased that I was asked to back up my cousin. That really made my day and I was having a shitty day all day. The second thing I’m going to say is that, yeah, I’m going to talk politics for a bit.

Now, in specific, the commentary that ended up happening was that someone felt that all of us idiots who are talking about the abortion debate were in fact, massive idiots. I’m not going to directly quote here, but the gist was that we should be paying attention to the recession and we should be thinking about ways to actually fix said recession.

I’m not a huge history buff when it…

View original post 870 more words

It’s Another Night of Torment

That isn’t really torment at all. So, earlier today I made a post asking for help renaming my blog. While it doesn’t surprise me that I haven’t gotten any responses yet, I’m more than willing to posit the question in other venues. However, the real purpose of me mentioning that earlier blog post is that I said I would elaborate on something. Namely, why I’ve decided I’ll no longer make posts about politics here and what exactly has gone down in my brain that created that conclusion.

Recently I’ve had some very strange dreams that I can’t understand. One of my e-friends said it wasn’t always important to decipher them, because my subconscious knew what was going on. Honestly, I’m wondering if they have anything to do with sleepy shadow work like SatSekhem had going on with her. Now, said follower of Big Bad Kitty-Cats kindly did a tarot reading for me, follower of the Silent Shadowy Puppy, saying that one of the things He planned on doing with me is working on change. Spiritual change mostly, an overhaul and upgrade so to speak. Now, I did ask, and so far I’m not disappointed, or I don’t think I am. I’m really not sure.

Now, the reason I bring this up, is that since those dreams I find I’ve been much calmer and less anxious. Not only that, my words don’t get trapped so easily when I’m upset or anxious or whatever and I can actually talk through some things without too much crying or tripping over myself. This lessening of anxiety also reaches to lessen my propensity to obsess over insecurities and inability to detach from what I’m reading. Trust me, that’s a good thing, because there are things I’d have to avoid reading to avoid having distressing thoughts in my brain, like thoughts that I’m not in the right relationship or that there’s something wrong with me or TB or our relationship. As such, I’ve also been much less attached to news.

Oh I still have opinions, very strong opinions, on politics and social justice and religion, but I’m not likely to go on a giant, unsolicited rant anytime soon. I tried yesterday actually and discovered that I had absolutely no wish to do so. It felt like a waste of time and energy and just didn’t feel worth it. Not so much that I remembered that there probably won’t be very many who read it, but because I can articulate my feelings through voting and because drumming up the energy necessary to be angry and ranty for a significant amount of paragraphs is not worth the stress it will bring with it.

And ya know, arguing with morons is usually pretty worthless as well. Anyone reasonably intelligent can figure out that the current crop of Republicans are making the party and conservatives look really really bad and are saying Super Stupid Shit. I know some true conservatives and they’re disgusted by the likes of Todd Akin and Mitt Romney, who are blithering on about how Obamacare infringes on the people’s rights, but next harping on how half the population should be denied the right to control their own bodies. And come on, women can shut down rape pregnancies if it’s a “legitimate” rape? For fucking real? You know how much money I could save on condoms if I could shut down pregnancies at will? And people actually believe it…. Our country is going to end up like several places in the UN at this rate, countries who we disparage btw, as we do the same things.

See, and that’s the extent of my rambling for the time being. Merely a paragraph, because I’m tired and have better things to do with my brainpower. Oh I could say more, I have words marching to the front of my brain, but I’ll probably save that for another day or something or a comment for a forum. It doesn’t even really matter, because I’m not the only person saying these things. As long as I vote it’s all good.

On another note, my sleep schedule has been royally screwed over night, literally. I could not sleep at all last night (ie Tuesday night) and then ended up sleeping from 9am Wednesday to 2pm, then again from like 3pm-6pm. And it had to be induced by Benadryl. I’m not sure what this says about my brain, because I really don’t want a depression or hypomania (or whatever the hell it is) popping up again. I still have to finish cleaning my room and have a new assignment in two weeks. Also, I hate drug-blurred dreams, they’re always so random but then I have nothing to really remember when I wake up and it’s always irritating.

Perhaps I should read tomorrow, hopefully that’ll bring my deeper concentration back. I can’t seem to concentrate on anything requiring long tapers of it, so that means no writing or crocheting or even a solid focus on chores. Lots of breaks to do something else or complete abandonment and I really don’t know how to get it back. Perhaps I’ll clean my room simply to have the space to do ritual, though honestly I’d have to borrow from Richard Reidy’s Eternal Egypt because I don’t have what I consider any real ritual. I wish I had toy food like Devo has, that way I wouldn’t have to worry about offerings or anything. I suppose that’s pretty much it for the night. The moon is supposed to be full, but is mysteriously absent when I went to search for it and there’s supposed to be a blue moon on the 31st. Should be fun for witches lol

New Blog Name

I need a new blog name. The one I have comes from the fact I started with Wepwawet and Anpu as my chosen gods, but now that Anpu has become more prominent and the main focus and Wepwawet has stepped back, I need a new blog name. Not to mention I’m aware that I tend to make long titles rofl Any ideas or reflections? Although I’m politically inclined and happy to comment on such things, I’ve discovered that it’s really not worth it to rant and rave on my blog. Why? I’m not sure anymore, perhaps it’s going hand in hand with the changes I’ve felt to how my psyche works lately. I’ll get into that later, but basically random stuff, mundane stuff, dreams and religion (mine and perhaps, PERHAPS something going on in the wider world) will really be what this blog turns into and will probably stay. I need something more reflective of that and would appreciate ideas.

A Nightmare Post

I’m gonna talk about a dream I had a couple of days ago, and in a later post probably some other stuff that recent reading has inspired in me. Stuff about the gods and interacting with them and really what I should be doing or looking for, both here in the plane of existence I live in and what I’m going to be required to do.

This nightmare (because that’s really what it was) started off even more unusual than normal. Now, I did have pizza or something before bed, but normally that doesn’t give me nightmares, just weird dreams. Not that I have “normal” dreams in the first place, but still. I’ve been at my mom’s house for the last four weeks and SD has been renovating the bathroom. This means no toilet or shower inside, however we have a camper with a toilet/shower in it so he set that up so we could have someplace to poop and shower. Preferably not at the same time.

Anyway, this is important for the explanation of the dream. My room is also next to the bathroom, btw. The dream starts out with me in my room, at night, apparently sleeping, but it’s not my normal room. In fact I’d posit that this was a combination of my room and the camper’s innards and the scenery from another dream I had a while back that also centered around a variety of bathrooms. I really only remember scenery and some other random bits and pieces from that particular dream, so I would suggest not bothering to ask except that it had to do with relationships and interactions and several scenes of me naked or on the toilet.

The room I’m in that’s “mine” is like the camper, only bigger and slightly different configuration (and only two beds, the real camper has three and a couch). Outside of the camper is a larger room with odd stuff in it, something akin to a dance floor (random square of hardwood in an otherwise carpeted “apartment type” structure.) and it’s got like stereotypical bachelor furniture, like a zebra striped chair and a raised floor above the main space with the dance floor in it (ie a mini staircase) and this platform thing and this really weird picture of two guys and kittens. Like, it’s a picture that I guess is supposed to be both endearing and erotic because they were naked and laying together on a bed, but it wasn’t lower than their shoulders. They weren’t any guys I knew, so I don’t know what its significance is.

Like I said, this is an apartment as opposed to an actual house, but my Mom and SD were still there and the camper was there as my room. I don’t know why, that’s just how it is. My mom comes “home” and she’s pissed as shit right? No clue why, it has something to do with a party she’s being forced to host for her job (as it stands, there’s a company picnic she has to go to and she really doesn’t find it entertaining). She gets mad at me for some reason and walks away. Later the partiers arrive. Now, I’ve been doing random shit, laying in bed, using the bathroom, showering, back to bed.

All these people are coming in now. The party guests from her job. There’s like at least fifty or sixty people, none of them I know or like and none she likes either. I was walking around trying to avoid interacting and eventually went back into my “room” and went outside for something. When I returned my mom was standing by the refreshment table and we argued about the party and the guests and she grabbed my arm and poured water in my ear. Now, I have sensitive ears, it’s one of the reasons I can’t swim and have no intention of attempting to learn again, so that water really hurt. My mom’s done a lot of stuff to me she’s not proud of (and has apologized for), but she’d never do something like that. I started flailing at her, yelling at her going “what the hell are you doing?!” and she did it again. I kept swinging and wrenched myself away from her, my ear hurting from the water and stormed away.

I talked to Sister, telling her what Mom had just done and explaining the situation. She calmed me down and explained that it was ok and Mom was just having a hard time. We went back out into the party and looked for her.

I see my mom and go to hug her and I did, but when I pulled back it was some random old guy. I was totally creeped out, how was I hugging a stranger when I had literally just been hugging my mother? I looked around for her and saw her and asked her how she had done that. She never did answer me, so I started to go outside because I was feeling weirded out.

I get outside and see my cousins (these cousins are related to me by SD as well as my biological cousins) getting out of Mom’s car. Now, the outside looked more like the outside of GM’s house and the block was pretty empty. It was sorta night time, like just after twilight, when it’s not quite totally dark but the sun is below the horizon. There was a lot of parking space in front of the house, but the street still wasn’t quite normal, it reminded me of a street from a friend’s house only in front of my GM’s. Anyway, my cousins didn’t talk to me at all, I just saw them and when they walked away I noticed the car slowly rolling forward. Great right? So, I get in the car to stop it.

Now, this is not the first car dream I’ve had where the car is having some sort of problem with the steering, parking, gas or brakes and I’m the one driving. The dreams started when I got my permit and I’ve always been ambivalent about driving, so yeah. I’m in the car and pressing the brake and it keeps rolling forward. I pull the gear shift to try to reset the parking brake, of course doing that means the car starts rolling faster. I’m coming up on a car parked down the street and I’m pressing the brake as hard as possible. I tap the parked car, inciting anger from the owner, but he didn’t do anything.

I put the car into reverse and it starts backing up fast, like I’ve got my foot on the gas. I keep hitting the brake, pulling on the gear shift, anything to slow it down and stop it. Still going fast. All I know is I thought/said “oh god don’t let me get into a bad rear end collision!” and then SLAM. Of course I hit another car, hard enough to basically collapse the entire backseat. It hurt too, and the air bag didn’t go off. One of my friends saw what happened and sprinted over, wondering what happened and helping me out of the mangled wreck. I really don’t know who it was that saw me, I didn’t really see their face, but I think it was one of my girlfriends. I stumble back to the house, and btw, the door now leads to a mall.

I pass an uncle of mine and he’s like “what happened?!” I tell him briefly and keep moving, I need to get upstairs where I can lay down because I hurt and am weak. As I keep moving, I end up naked and covered in soap. I really have absolutely no idea what that was about, but it was important because that was my new goal, to get upstairs and wash this soap off. I see this little girl, she’s dancing around. Now, my dream posits this as my “little sister” but she really isn’t. I’m not sure who she really is, but she was helping me, if only by staying nearby.

Meantime all these people are staring at me because, ya know, I’m naked, covered in soap and beat up from a car accident. These two girls at a food stand were actually talking to me, asking if I was alright and why I was down there and I tried telling them but collapsed. The little girl with me explained the problem before I fell, and the two girls panicked at my collapse. They rushed out of the food place to come help me, one went to get a friend/coworker to watch the store and the other covered me with a jacket or something. They both picked me up and followed the girl to these doors that led into a hallway with an elevator that looked like it belonged in an apartment.

They took me in the elevator and all the way up to, you guessed it, the apartment I was in at the start where my mom was hosting a work party. I can’t remember if there were still people there, I do know I had a reason to be embarrassed or something. I think it was both full of people and empty simultaneously. The two girls helped me out and I remember afterwards that I was looking at that picture of the gay couple on the wall and wondering what the fuck it was there for and who it was in it. I also remember waking up in tears and anxiety and wishing TB was there. I did actually end up calling him, he was both happy and upset about it, happy that I actually phoned him while having a crisis (I tend not to do so, even when I really need it, has nothing to do with him) and upset that I was having a crisis at all.

So yeah, no idea what to even start doing about this dream. If anyone has any suggestions or ideas, feel free to go for it.