It’s Another Night of Torment

That isn’t really torment at all. So, earlier today I made a post asking for help renaming my blog. While it doesn’t surprise me that I haven’t gotten any responses yet, I’m more than willing to posit the question in other venues. However, the real purpose of me mentioning that earlier blog post is that I said I would elaborate on something. Namely, why I’ve decided I’ll no longer make posts about politics here and what exactly has gone down in my brain that created that conclusion.

Recently I’ve had some very strange dreams that I can’t understand. One of my e-friends said it wasn’t always important to decipher them, because my subconscious knew what was going on. Honestly, I’m wondering if they have anything to do with sleepy shadow work like SatSekhem had going on with her. Now, said follower of Big Bad Kitty-Cats kindly did a tarot reading for me, follower of the Silent Shadowy Puppy, saying that one of the things He planned on doing with me is working on change. Spiritual change mostly, an overhaul and upgrade so to speak. Now, I did ask, and so far I’m not disappointed, or I don’t think I am. I’m really not sure.

Now, the reason I bring this up, is that since those dreams I find I’ve been much calmer and less anxious. Not only that, my words don’t get trapped so easily when I’m upset or anxious or whatever and I can actually talk through some things without too much crying or tripping over myself. This lessening of anxiety also reaches to lessen my propensity to obsess over insecurities and inability to detach from what I’m reading. Trust me, that’s a good thing, because there are things I’d have to avoid reading to avoid having distressing thoughts in my brain, like thoughts that I’m not in the right relationship or that there’s something wrong with me or TB or our relationship. As such, I’ve also been much less attached to news.

Oh I still have opinions, very strong opinions, on politics and social justice and religion, but I’m not likely to go on a giant, unsolicited rant anytime soon. I tried yesterday actually and discovered that I had absolutely no wish to do so. It felt like a waste of time and energy and just didn’t feel worth it. Not so much that I remembered that there probably won’t be very many who read it, but because I can articulate my feelings through voting and because drumming up the energy necessary to be angry and ranty for a significant amount of paragraphs is not worth the stress it will bring with it.

And ya know, arguing with morons is usually pretty worthless as well. Anyone reasonably intelligent can figure out that the current crop of Republicans are making the party and conservatives look really really bad and are saying Super Stupid Shit. I know some true conservatives and they’re disgusted by the likes of Todd Akin and Mitt Romney, who are blithering on about how Obamacare infringes on the people’s rights, but next harping on how half the population should be denied the right to control their own bodies. And come on, women can shut down rape pregnancies if it’s a “legitimate” rape? For fucking real? You know how much money I could save on condoms if I could shut down pregnancies at will? And people actually believe it…. Our country is going to end up like several places in the UN at this rate, countries who we disparage btw, as we do the same things.

See, and that’s the extent of my rambling for the time being. Merely a paragraph, because I’m tired and have better things to do with my brainpower. Oh I could say more, I have words marching to the front of my brain, but I’ll probably save that for another day or something or a comment for a forum. It doesn’t even really matter, because I’m not the only person saying these things. As long as I vote it’s all good.

On another note, my sleep schedule has been royally screwed over night, literally. I could not sleep at all last night (ie Tuesday night) and then ended up sleeping from 9am Wednesday to 2pm, then again from like 3pm-6pm. And it had to be induced by Benadryl. I’m not sure what this says about my brain, because I really don’t want a depression or hypomania (or whatever the hell it is) popping up again. I still have to finish cleaning my room and have a new assignment in two weeks. Also, I hate drug-blurred dreams, they’re always so random but then I have nothing to really remember when I wake up and it’s always irritating.

Perhaps I should read tomorrow, hopefully that’ll bring my deeper concentration back. I can’t seem to concentrate on anything requiring long tapers of it, so that means no writing or crocheting or even a solid focus on chores. Lots of breaks to do something else or complete abandonment and I really don’t know how to get it back. Perhaps I’ll clean my room simply to have the space to do ritual, though honestly I’d have to borrow from Richard Reidy’s Eternal Egypt because I don’t have what I consider any real ritual. I wish I had toy food like Devo has, that way I wouldn’t have to worry about offerings or anything. I suppose that’s pretty much it for the night. The moon is supposed to be full, but is mysteriously absent when I went to search for it and there’s supposed to be a blue moon on the 31st. Should be fun for witches lol


16 thoughts on “It’s Another Night of Torment

  1. 1. I love the nickname you gave S. That’s hilarious. “Big Bad Kitty-Cats.” I’m going to use that as an epithet from now on.

    2. When it comes to rituals, you can either go by way of someone else or you can go your own way. When it comes to the start of all of this, it tends to be easier to borrow from someone else because then you get a feel for what the gods like and do not like. Also, a build up of ritual over time means that you slowly gain the confidence to make changes as you see fit until you’re doing a sort of bastardized version of what you originally started off with. When you get there, you kind of look around and go, “Oh, shit. I’m advanced.”

    3. Don’t forget that an offering can be an action, too. Maybe go for a walk on a daily basis and use it as a time to pray to Anpu. One of my other pagan friends would do that to commune and pray to Bast (and others).

  2. Rituals don’t always have to be complicated. I used to sit in front of shrine and just ramble for forever- that was my ritual. We all have to start somewhere.

    If you’re concerned about food, offer them water, incense, fire, or your dinner- things like that. Or as Sat mentioned, perhaps an action would serve better. :3

  3. I read this and smiled. It sounds like you have some serious upper chakra opening and activation going on.

    Your throat, which is where speech forms, seems to be blown wide open. I should think this is why you are finding it easier to say things without getting emotional.

    Your third eye is also likely wide open. This would affect your dream cycles and ability to sleep well. You can close your physical eyes at will, closing your third eye takes a little concentration. If you can get the knack of that your sleep should go back to normal.

    It sounds like you are doing some good work. 🙂


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