Dreaming

So, this time I have a dream post for you. This is one of my more crazy dreams. It involves: weird college, vampires, vacuuming vampire ashes, spaghetti, rollercoasters, choking, extremely strange activities of a sexual nature, a rabbit who may or may not be bugs bunny (but most likely isn’t), and barbecue, also, sleeping baby. Obviously I’ll leave out the sex part of the dream, because I doubt my boyfriend (TB) would be pleased with that since he hasn’t heard the craziness yet.

My dreams often center around school or such a building, or public transportation or the house. I spend/spent a LOT of time in these places and as a result the twisted dream versions are often my initial setting in a dream. I remember this college because of its glass elevator and foyer that was more like a hotel or mall’s, carpeted hallways and my room, an empty room of sorts, perhaps a lounge, several lounge areas, many of them with plants. I remember the campus was quite similar to a cross between my first college and TB college and is tree heavy and very spacious and uncrowded. I remember a couple snippets of conversation that had me traveling through these places, something about classes and vampires and dangerous things and being available. Most of the people in this part of the dream I didn’t recognize.

I went to my room and hung out with a friend, probably BGF, he often features in these wild and crazy dreams. I think he sees the weirdness at night and wants to be part of it, just like in the daytime when we’re awake lol He and I have very interesting conversations in wakefulness, it stands to reason he invades my dreams for fun XD though I have to wonder how many of his dreams I’ve invaded lol

Anyway, there was something going on, I can’t remember, but we ended up running across campus and into the building with the lounge area I remember clearest. It was a tile floor place with brick walls and decorations full of plants. We stood by the window talking  about dangerous creatures invading the campus, including vampires. I can’t remember if there was a scene skip or whether there was an actual transition to the hotel-like building where we ran into vampires. There were several of them and only a few of us (I believe most were my friends) and we were fighting them. BGF and I found the strongest two and held them off until morning. It was a battle, but it wasn’t particularly epic, there was a lot of running and talking on both sides. They almost got us at the end, but then the sun came up. Oh they were angry, one crumbled pretty quickly, the other tried to escape and bite a mother and son in the next room to save himself, but I stopped him beforehand. He said something unimportant in an attempt to be angry and spiteful before crumbling into dust from the sun.

Some children were brought in by whoever else was with us and we talked about how best to protect them and get rid of the rest of the vampires. I then grabbed a vacuum and cleaned the vampire ashes from the carpets. There was a scene in the kitchen with a cook and spaghetti, but it’s barely anything important.

After this was a scene skip to an amusement park, where TB and I, my mother, sister (and the nephew of course), and BGF were all there. I’m not a rollercoaster person, but TB and BGF are, but this was Six Flags in Jersey and I have gone on two rollercoasters there. They are small and contain no loops or flips lol Though they somehow managed to get me on a bigger one with a loop, my sleeping brain didn’t dwell on that for very long or I’d have woken up. The adrenaline and force from rollercoasters are extremely unpleasant for me (asthmatic introvert=no likey g forces and adrenaline rush). I recognized the second and third coasters we rode as the ones I’ve ridden IRL. I wasn’t completely terrified on those IRL or in my dream. It was weird because of the way the second one was setup, it’s an indoor coaster and the line/boarding area is very narrow, but in my dream it was spacious and somewhat crowded with a bathroom. TB and I got on the coaster once, then got back in line while waiting for my family and BGF to come around. It flicked to a couple of scenes of the ride on the roller coaster while we were talking and I was describing why I wasn’t fond of coasters and how scary my first time riding one, especially since it dropped almost at the start. The flickering scenes corresponded to my words as well as the initial emotions I felt at the half-memories.

We were talking while waiting, about roller coasters and going back on this one, about something else important that I can’t remember,  and about dinner or lunch and spending time together. He started eating some butterscotch candies (those are currently in my offering bowl) and started to choke. I pat him on his back, and quite frankly was about to perform the Heimlich, but he ran off to the bathroom. I nearly followed him when BGF and family came in, asking where he was. TB came back, perfectly fine, and we left. I remember going to some strange room that was rather private, with a comfy bed-couch-thing in it with TB. We were talking some more about living together and such and sex. Blah blah blah, this part of the dream is none of your business.

Super skip to a large kitchen, like a cafeteria almost, with anthropomorphic rabbits. One was, for some reason, being ignored and ostracized. Even the cafeteria staff were ignoring him and refusing to serve him food (spaghetti again). He managed to get food by stealing it straight from the kitchen, but everyone got angry. He defended himself, angry at everyone for their treatment and demanding respect. He ended up having to run with his food from a tomato sauce food fight. He was still brooding over the meal when the scene changed again to me sleeping on the couch next to my nephew before I woke up.

Cure for the Itch

Today’s title brought to you by Linkin Park. So, for the most part my brain has calmed down to no longer being crazy violent or anger. I’m aiming to get back into crochet, I’ve started the process of cleaning my room and will probably clean more tomorrow. I think the Netjer aren’t angry at me for lashing out at Them the other day. I sure hope not. Gotta wonder how people do it though, ya know? I changed religions for a better connection to Deity, pretty much any Deity who doesn’t scare me is alright, I just want Someone to talk to me at this point. I feel like I’m ringing the doorbell but it’s partially shorted out. I think I want to make an altar cloth or something but that makes me nervous because I prefer lighting candles for Them and it would be just like me to set something on fire. Tomorrow is Saturday, which means no privacy for ritual since everyone’s home.

How do people figure out if their gods hear them? Most people do not hear their gods’ voices, or always feel Their presence. I’ve heard the cheer-up explanations: most people have the same issue, you haven’t been talking to Them long enough, you’re new at talking to Them. Yeah, doesn’t actually make me feel better, especially not the “well it’s a matter of faith” thing. I think after years of faith in the Christian god who’s presence I felt disappear from my church a long time ago that it’s more than just a matter of faith. Faith is there, but doubt is rarely far behind and I feel like the gods could make more of an effort sometimes to help their followers keep their faith going. I’m not talking full on dreams or visions or booming voices or anything, but something like a comforting breeze, a random symbol of the deity showing up for the follower, small answered prayers as well as the large ones. Or perhaps I’m accidentally ignoring Them. I like knowing my object of faith and affection pays any attention to me, is that so wrong?

Perhaps I missed a sign of yes or no, perhaps the weird bug appearances are a no from somewhere. Seriously I’m starting to feel like these creepy crawlies are showing up after a mini ritual or prayer. At first I thought one (or both) of the Jackals were telling me to go away, but everything I’ve read, both historical and UPG, about Wepwawet and Anpu is that They are very much not vindictive like that. Sekhmet isn’t vindictive per se, vengeful yes, but that’s not the same as vindictive. And the strange bug thing started before I said hi to Her. No, I’m starting to think Someone wants my attention and is angry They aren’t getting it. Of course, creepy lil bug dudes don’t exactly get great attention. Cool lil bug dudes, like small spiders, butterflies, etc are great, bedbugs on my pillow and roaches in the hallway are liable to cause rage and screaming.

Actually, I haven’t seen any yucky bugs since I got ragey at Them. I was angry at a lot of things that day, Them, my boyfriend, and there was a delusional anxious rage at the WORLD AT LARGE too. I felt better after going to work (children make the world go round the sun and power the Sun Boat of Ra. I could really believe this as a religious belief) and apologized to everyone, though I was still feeling pretty ignored and abandoned by them. I still feel like They’re pulling away from me. Perhaps waiting for me to resolve my problems with Them and how They work. I do remember being in bed on my way to sleep and feeling like a mother much different from my IRL mom, holding my hand and trying to calm me down and relax. I remember thinking how curious and interesting the feeling was before getting angry some more (I was still in the midst of an argument) and eventually going to sleep. I’ve been having strange dreams since, but for some reason I keep getting rather jarring phone calls that make me forget what I was dreaming of before the phone woke me.

I’m insecure as a spiritual person and as a new pagan. I was and wasn’t insecure as Christian, wasn’t because it’s hard not to know the correct answers when you grew up in a religion, was because I was starting to lose the feel of YHWH and was under much stress and anger and such. I left for a religion that didn’t require people to access the gods, but now I feel like I’m terrible at doing it on my own. It’s distressing, and unfortunately I often respond to distress with aggression. That’s a bit of a family trait there. I just want to know They’re around and care and are paying attention, or at least be told to go away. That would probably hurt my feelings a little, but it would be helpful at least since I’d stop bothering them and be able to poke other Netjer and find the one or ones who would like to be in a relationship with me.

Blurry

Today’s title is brought to you by Puddle of Mudd.

I’m wide awake at five thirty am. I’m thinking about boredom and insanity and my personality. Religion is somewhere in there. I could scream or read, play random games, pray, light a candle or take a knife and my wooden sword and brain a random neighbor before slitting a wrist or two. I’d probably go for something less attention grabbing, or burn an abandoned building to the ground. Or cry. But I’ll actually do all the normal responses to boredom instead of embracing my absurd craziness that would be connected to absolutely nothing but mere insanity. I don’t even hear voices. Well, I don’t think I do. Bet you’re glad I probably don’t live anywhere near you eh random people?

Really I came on my blog to make a logical entry bred by thought and consideration over a post I read on an e-quaintence’s blog (twould be Aubs Tea) but instead I started with craziness. I swear I have a point. I have a post stuck in Draft form from after a cleansing and much needed revelation to the BGF who is always far more reachable than my other best friends to handle my raving. It was a realization and admittance to holding anger and rage from high school. Rage at my mother and stepfather, anger at the universe for making my father move to Florida, anger and a still very raw hurt over my ex’s behavior during and after our relationship ended. How it ended, the end of high school, and my first year of college still make me very angry and upset. Of course i had good times and memories from 2008-2010, which are the years a lot of the stuff I’m angry about happened. My BF and I started dating, I made most of my best friends. Those events and my fun times are bright shining stars in a black and gray sky, made brighter by all that darkness and rage I didn’t know I had. Well, I knew I had the darkness.

I’ve had depression since 11th grade, came close to committing suicide in 12th and my first semester of college. The dense gray fog rolled in at second semester (and second school) and I more or less purposely destroyed my grades. My mother had forced me back when I didn’t want to and wasn’t ready at a school I hated. It was out of concern (and paranoia) that I would never go back if I took a semester off to recover from my darkness when I left the first school before fall semester ended, I’ll give her that. I passed one class, psychology, between my love for the subject and my weirdo professor and crazy acquaintence (the only person in class to try and talk to me), I found it bearable to push the dark aside and sit in the mist looking at the fuzzy light from the lighthouse. My BF and best friends sat in the fog with me, pointing at the light and scaring away seagulls.

I lied about my grades the entire time and partially moved in to my grandmother’s house, but I returned to my mom’s when I got irritated with it. I practice subject avoidance nowadays instead of lying because it’s really very annoying and bothersome to lie and keep up a charade. I guess I really just don’t see the purpose anymore. Sure I still lie occasionally, but more often than not I tell the truth sooner or later. Regardless, I was moved back home during the summer. This whole time I’ve been with TB and trying to become a baptised Christian and we’re basically being harassed by my church over our rather chaste relationship. My mother is simultaneously defending and harassing us as well. Let’s just say that between our own intense insecurities from our past relationships and outside badgering we had a very hard first year that survived by sheer stubbornness and dedication on our part and a hell of fucking lot of encouragement and support from our friends. Unfortunately I feel as though the stress and arguing (amongst ourselves and between us and the outside attempts at our relationship’s destruction) set in place knee-jerk reactions, hostility and defensiveness that are tripping us even nearly two years later that will still take time to unravel. We’re still learning more appropriate reactions and how to talk more calmly and respectfully and thoughtfully. I’m a big mouth and a crybaby (and honestly a spoiled brat) so you can imagine I’ve got a lot to work on. Most of the time I’m aware that I’m more than a handful and greatly appreciate my friends and TB for their love, patience, and affection.

After this was my third school. I managed to stay in for two/three quarters (I honestly cannot remember, that fog that rolls in whenever it’s dark or gray tends to occlude memory) though I repeated two classes twice. And I actually liked one. I like to blame the first quarter on being at my mother’s because the bus near the house was and still is very unreliable and truthfully it was hard to get to class, but it was also spite, laziness, depression, and a general anger that I was baited again into going to school and forced to take a drawing class despite a photography major. I felt way too much spiteful glee over not being alone in the suffering since even the audio production and videography students had to take the class too. Got my first real job too. CVS/pharmacy. The devil drives people to work there, it’s need and desperation and lack of experience that sends people to seek employment in that festering cesspool of false care that secretly torments store manager and rookie cashier alike. Many of the employees are caring and wonderful people but they work under taskmasters. Managers are either stressed and frazzled or insensitive and distant and often they are some destructive mixture. Some people find happiness, but many are overworked, underpaid and on a one way street. At least that’s how it is where I live.

I finally quit school, moved in fully with my grandmother and sought work. I was in the dark again, but it turned to gray. It’s been some bright days and dark ones and of course the gray. I’m writing this from the perspective of a new brain weather that I’ve either never noticed or that is truly new: the shiny day of rain. You know this type, it’s weirdly bright on one side of the sky but it’s pouring on the other. You’re in the rainy side, facing the sunlight and wondering what the friggin fuck is with that. My mother told me a saying that she got from her parents, weather like that means the devil’s beating his wife. I use this analogy because the way my brain is working is strange and potentially dangerous (see the start of this post) just like sunny rain. I’ve seen pictures of sunny rain where the rainclouds were birthing a tornado. And of  course there are rainbows. Depending on where you live you could see both or flooding.

It’s an interesting and exciting phenomenon, at least to me, but it heralds a particular uncertainty and dangerous energy. Or perhaps a regular storm would suffice? Static in the air, sky heavy with water, the chilled and swirling winds, animals waiting in silence. The whole world seems to hold its breath when a storm cloud comes near doesn’t it? Wondering if it’s all talk or all bite or somewhere in between? Wondering if it will pass altogether, not sure if they want to see what the storm’s got or not, the whole world waits, perversely excited and tense, anxious and fearful of the outcome, the release, the unleashing of the pent up power and the filling of that void the world becomes when a storm strolls in. One has to wonder if the storm controls itself, if it knows what it’s doing or if it’s afraid of its own power, of its release of the captured world waiting in a terrified daze at the storm’s potential strength. Does the storm fear its own death? Its potential demise and evaporation after it drops its power on the world? I wonder i wonder.

The fog is here with me, swirling around in my brain like day or night doesn’t matter. If you think about it fog is really a cloud, so it’s no wonder it sometimes precedes or follows a storm or sticks around despite the sun. I don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore. I had my point and probably didn’t even come close to making it. I probably didn’t have a real point at all, just needed to ramble about myself and showcase my craziness. Win for me? Sure, I’ll take it. I’ve had worse and better prizes than my own satisfaction at more or less purposely trying to make nonsense and real sense work together to create pseudosense that I contradictorally write with the purpose of being ignored and noticed at the same time. Ya know how sometimes serial killers ask to be stopped in a murder? Just a little teeny bit like that. It’s like this twisted desire to showcase my sickness for the purpose of getting attention but not necessarily to be cured even though I know in this brain somewhere that I can just ask for attention instead of frustrating the people who see that I really do want help but sabotage myself and run (figuratively) into brick walls. Am I making any sense? Or are you in the dark?

And here’s where I post it on facebook for attention, shits and giggles while everyone is wondering “wtf is with Rachael?” Of course most who will see this already know there’s something wrong with my brain it’s just a new side (or mostly new) of the weirdo twisted HOLYSHITWTFBBQ? Sunny rain side of my brain. This is the side that thinks up twisted stories and shit with my writer friends. It’s normally only tapped for a few drops, or glasses, of craziness every now and then. Usually it’s asleep and in hiding. Wonder what it’s doing grabbing the storm cloud’s controls.

You know that moment when you’re just exhausted?

When your being is tired and yet your brain is somehow wired?

Like drinking lots of coffee and it not doing shit,

you’re still tired yet you’re somehow going a mile a minute.

It’s like your core is vibrating with a destructive inner focus

and it takes all your strength not to bang your head against a wall.

That’s how it feels to be so huge and so small.

Like the universe is staring, glaring,

waiting

for your grand fuck up,

knowing you can do your greatest achievement

yet waiting for your bullshit all the same.

It’s hard to play a waiting game,

the universe always wins.

The Edge

Have you ever teetered on the edge?

Like a kid on a swing, deciding when to jump?

It’s that anticipation, that anxiety, that drives you craziest

as you wait for them to jump, or to keep swinging.

Imagine how they feel, on the edge of their seat

flying through the air, seeing their goal

or succumbing to fear.

Imagine the rush

the exhilaration

when they finally jump.

For just a moment, a fleeting second

for the fastest and slowest moment in time

you’re flying high, aiming low

ready to crash on the ground below.

And oh the landing!

It might hurt, you could get scraped

aim for the grass not the grate!

That beating drum in your ears

as your heart blazes in your chest

that shivering rush in your arms

your legs like marmalade,

that’s the edge of the world right there

the edge of sanity, waiting to be leapt.

Tempting to jump from it isn’t it?

You wonder what lies beyond,

whether it’s safe

whether it’s fun

will that rush be wonderful?

The real question though,

can you ever climb back?

That swing of the mind

it’s so hard to understand

so hard to ride

so hard to leave

but there it is, swinging away

higher and higher

until you fly away.

Will you ride the sky to the stars?

Or is the ground your fate?

And who’s to say which is better

for aren’t they both so far away?

And there you are,

still on the edge

waiting

breathing

ready or not to jump

Am I Crazy?

Today’s title brought to you by LIttle Fish.

It’s been a few days since I updated my blog. Quick update on what’s been going on since my last post: Sister and Nephew went home, huge fight with TB, made up with TB, continued having fun working at the kindergarten, and spent four days at TB dorm.

Yesterday was mother’s day, I will admit, I felt a little left out. To be honest, I’d love to be a mom. I’m not silly enough to think that’s what I need to be happy or that it’s ALLSOTOTALLYAWESOME without it’s downsides. I’m not naive enough to think I’d be an excellent one right out the gate or that it’ll be easy. Or that it’s wise for me to seek that right now. But dang it I love kids and want my own. Hence kindergarten job. I also started thinking about going back to school for nursing (pediatrics obviously). I’ve found a couple potential candidate schools, ones that’ll take me as a high school graduate because my credits at other schools are useless and unavailable anyway since I owe them money. And they don’t take that long and prepare me for the NCLEX-RN, which is important because I don’t have much money and can’t afford to spend four years in school right now.

Speaking of school, TB is graduating in six days. He’ll have a Bachelor’s of Arts in Graphic Design and will be on Dean’s List for two semesters in a row. To say I’m proud of him is an understatement :3

Also, this post was supposed to be up yesterday, but alas, my internet decided it wanted to be a bitch. I have gotten the issue resolved and also have a brand new, free router on the way to replace the crappy one. Today was payday, which was nice because I was able to get three small bowls and a candlestick at the dollar store.

Now, the point of the title has to do with spiritual matters as opposed to worldly ones, hence the double category for this post. I haven’t done a ritual in a few weeks. Mainly due to the desperate need to clean my room and work, which takes up a significant portion of day, mainly due to how long it takes to get to work. Nonetheless, I still pray and dedicate my meals to the Jackals. The thing is, bugs keep showing up. And not cool or pretty or uncreepy bugs like ladybugs, butterflies, and worms. No, we’re talking bedbugs and roaches. It’s not like the house is suddenly overrun, but they’ve been showing up. It has me wondering whether I offended Someone by paying attention to them or not paying attention to them.

Of course, now I’m getting the distinct impression that’s ridiculous. I’ve also lately been getting the impression that Anpu wants to have a relationship more along the lines of a long distance friend. I’m not sure why. I just feel like He cares but doesn’t want to work with me. Like He appreciates the affection, but doesn’t particularly want it. I think. I feel like He’d still appreciation a candle and some snacks and of course to say hi and talk. I also said hi to Sekhmet this morning (that’s who the third bowl and candlestick are for). Hopefully She responds, I think we’d have fun together. I’ll probably continue to offer to her until I get a “hey what’s up?” or a “leave me alone please”.

Kids and Reptiles

Today was a nice day; it was Science Day at the kindergarten I work at. Basically, teachers brought in their unconventional pets and made mini lessons about that. Snakes, frogs, tadpoles and baby chickens, ladybugs and a lizard. The tiny ones were as well-behaved as you could expect five and six years olds to be with awesome reptiles, baby chickens, bugs and amphibians in the rooms, not to mention having to line up and roam the halls with the other kids to get to said rooms.

Tomorrow is field day, which will be a unique experience I think. It seems like a competition day and the two children I’m responsible for as their PCA (personal care assistant) will likely give me a run for my money. It’s not they’re badly behaved, by no means, one is always well-behaved and the other has trouble focusing, which is why he may misbehave, but the always well-behaved one has a health problem and as far as the other one, well,  focusing issues tend to make rules a moot point lol Then again I think anyone who has ever dealt with young kids knows that rules are oft-repeated for a number of them anyway.

I’m really hoping the weather stays nice so the kids can have field day. It had to be postponed last week for the threat of inclement weather (which never showed anyway) and it would be nice for them to basically have a nice long play day outside. They actually only get recess once a week (with gym on another day), then again to be fair they’re only in school for three hours XD

Speaking of little kids, my sister and nephew went home yesterday. Our puppy Shadow was looking for them all night, I felt bad for him and quite frankly I think he’s still looking. He always loves everyone, but he really enjoys when Nephew is over and tries to help take care of him. It’s really sweet, but we always have to fuss at Shadow because usually he’s just in the way or trying to lick Nephew’s face, which isn’t exactly ok for a three-month old.

It’s interesting to think about my nephew growing up, and eventually being a mother myself. I’m patient and rushing at the same time of the prospect. I really do love children, it’s exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. Well, I’m sure the gods will make sure I’m ready (or as ready as anyone can be lol) before I have kiddies of my own.