This Close

This morning’s title brought to you by Flyleaf.

I’m a horizon walker. I’m sure that sounds quite strange, but it’s true. I’m an owl, a wolf, and roam the border between night and day. Sometimes it’s stubbornness, sometimes it’s getting caught up in something, occasionally it’s laziness, often insomnia, sometimes anxiety or anger or depression or a brain that just won’t shut up. And sometimes, sometimes it’s just reveling in the silence that can be so sweet and so maddening, the solitude so desired and so despised, and watching the sun boat emerge from the Duat with appreciation and humor or frustration and disdain. It all depends on the other factors of my mind and whether my spirit is tired.

This is a morning where my spirit is deciding just how tired it is and whether to go out and try and lift itself or hide among the reeds. I stayed up later than intended, more or less accidentally on purpose, and now I’m thoroughly restless. I’m supposed to be hanging out with my mother and I’m not nearly as thrilled as I might normally be since the religion topic is still on the table. I haven’t gotten enough sleep every day this week and naps are no longer refreshing and I am approaching the point in the month where my hormones decide to either be normal or nutty before The Red Death. These things affect my mental health and I would rather no crazy emotional rides and I’m sure The Boyfriend and Family would appreciate continued normalcy as well. Right now I’m just trying to hold my brain together without spooking myself seeing as I can be a hypochondriac and am pretty paranoid in awkward ways that almost make sense. You can usually hear my brain repeating “it’s not that deep, it’s not that deep, it’s really not that deep.” Or “it’s alright, everything and everyone are alright and dammit so are you.”

Right now I’ll be trying to get some sleep and pray unintelligibly and reach out to my Jackals for love and help and attention because I run to the nearest person I trust and most of them are asleep and don’t live near me and gods are supposed to care right? At least They are, that’s what I heard and have no particular reason to doubt.


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