Today’s title brought to you by Linkin Park. So, for the most part my brain has calmed down to no longer being crazy violent or anger. I’m aiming to get back into crochet, I’ve started the process of cleaning my room and will probably clean more tomorrow. I think the Netjer aren’t angry at me for lashing out at Them the other day. I sure hope not. Gotta wonder how people do it though, ya know? I changed religions for a better connection to Deity, pretty much any Deity who doesn’t scare me is alright, I just want Someone to talk to me at this point. I feel like I’m ringing the doorbell but it’s partially shorted out. I think I want to make an altar cloth or something but that makes me nervous because I prefer lighting candles for Them and it would be just like me to set something on fire. Tomorrow is Saturday, which means no privacy for ritual since everyone’s home.
How do people figure out if their gods hear them? Most people do not hear their gods’ voices, or always feel Their presence. I’ve heard the cheer-up explanations: most people have the same issue, you haven’t been talking to Them long enough, you’re new at talking to Them. Yeah, doesn’t actually make me feel better, especially not the “well it’s a matter of faith” thing. I think after years of faith in the Christian god who’s presence I felt disappear from my church a long time ago that it’s more than just a matter of faith. Faith is there, but doubt is rarely far behind and I feel like the gods could make more of an effort sometimes to help their followers keep their faith going. I’m not talking full on dreams or visions or booming voices or anything, but something like a comforting breeze, a random symbol of the deity showing up for the follower, small answered prayers as well as the large ones. Or perhaps I’m accidentally ignoring Them. I like knowing my object of faith and affection pays any attention to me, is that so wrong?
Perhaps I missed a sign of yes or no, perhaps the weird bug appearances are a no from somewhere. Seriously I’m starting to feel like these creepy crawlies are showing up after a mini ritual or prayer. At first I thought one (or both) of the Jackals were telling me to go away, but everything I’ve read, both historical and UPG, about Wepwawet and Anpu is that They are very much not vindictive like that. Sekhmet isn’t vindictive per se, vengeful yes, but that’s not the same as vindictive. And the strange bug thing started before I said hi to Her. No, I’m starting to think Someone wants my attention and is angry They aren’t getting it. Of course, creepy lil bug dudes don’t exactly get great attention. Cool lil bug dudes, like small spiders, butterflies, etc are great, bedbugs on my pillow and roaches in the hallway are liable to cause rage and screaming.
Actually, I haven’t seen any yucky bugs since I got ragey at Them. I was angry at a lot of things that day, Them, my boyfriend, and there was a delusional anxious rage at the WORLD AT LARGE too. I felt better after going to work (children make the world go round the sun and power the Sun Boat of Ra. I could really believe this as a religious belief) and apologized to everyone, though I was still feeling pretty ignored and abandoned by them. I still feel like They’re pulling away from me. Perhaps waiting for me to resolve my problems with Them and how They work. I do remember being in bed on my way to sleep and feeling like a mother much different from my IRL mom, holding my hand and trying to calm me down and relax. I remember thinking how curious and interesting the feeling was before getting angry some more (I was still in the midst of an argument) and eventually going to sleep. I’ve been having strange dreams since, but for some reason I keep getting rather jarring phone calls that make me forget what I was dreaming of before the phone woke me.
I’m insecure as a spiritual person and as a new pagan. I was and wasn’t insecure as Christian, wasn’t because it’s hard not to know the correct answers when you grew up in a religion, was because I was starting to lose the feel of YHWH and was under much stress and anger and such. I left for a religion that didn’t require people to access the gods, but now I feel like I’m terrible at doing it on my own. It’s distressing, and unfortunately I often respond to distress with aggression. That’s a bit of a family trait there. I just want to know They’re around and care and are paying attention, or at least be told to go away. That would probably hurt my feelings a little, but it would be helpful at least since I’d stop bothering them and be able to poke other Netjer and find the one or ones who would like to be in a relationship with me.