So, The Jackal’s Dance’s post reminded me that this was happening. I’ll be participating, although I’ve had a lot going on today so I’m going to post today’s and tomorrow’s tomorrow. Here’s the link for myself and anyone who wants to participate as well. Today is a sort of welcome post, the prompt is
Tomorrow is
It’s dark in here. Not pitch black, nor is it lightless, it simply isn’t bright. I’ve been here multiple times. It is not entirely separate from me. It is a temple, golden and large. If it has windows I cannot see them, all I can see is a few pillars and two statues. The braziers hanging from the ceiling and pillars only light that much. I have no idea how large this place really is, it is all in shadow and gives the illusion of both compactness and largesse. The pillars are inscribed with shapes and hieroglyphs that I cannot read and pay no attention to. Sometimes there is more than just the two statues in this place. Usually they mean nothing. Someone visiting, or checking me out. They are often far off and I pay no mind. Rarely I sense others that are not gods in here. I have seen more of this place once, but only once.
The statues are obvious. They tower above me, at least twenty feet high. The one in the center is Anpu. Ironically it is a form I don’t find aesthetically pleasing. He is merely standing, perfectly straight, occasionally holding a Was. The statue is black and gold, it wears only a circlet and skirt. Sometimes there is the headdress, but it is amorphous, easily changed. There is a plate by the feet, my latest offering. A broom lay nearby, for some reason I am often cleaning in here. It is almost never dirty though. Cleaning is the only time I see the walls, or doorways. I never go towards them, much less through them. I don’t have a reason to, and I am not particularly nosy, although I’ve never been told not to be. Next to Anpu’s statue is another. Sometimes she is on the right, sometimes on the left. Aset kneels in profile, as if She were a hieroglyph. Although I’m positive this icon is far more reminiscent of Ma’at, She has her arms outstretched with iridescent wings. Her statue is not plain, it is colorful and beautiful, a complex beauty next to Anpu’s minimalistic handsomeness. Sometimes it bears a headdress, most times it doesn’t.
I come here often. Usually it’s simply to look at Them, to marvel at their huge statues or sit near Them. I pray in here, I offer food in here, and of course there’s the cleaning. Sometimes I sweep, other times I mop, sometimes I dust their feet. Sometimes I come here because I feel Their presence nearby or they wish to talk. I have only seen one other person in here, Dapper. Dapper is new of course. I have invited him into this place with Their permission. He never comes in as a humanoid, always in his Other shape, his wolf shape. I haven’t bothered to ask him about this, instead I put his portion of the food on the floor and pet him. We have been here more than I consciously remember. Perhaps it is the piece of my Guardian inside him that I sense that affinity for. He does belong there, in some way. Just like me.
Lately my goddess has been feeling neglected, so I shall write to Her.
My Lady, you heard my call and came to me. It must be a full year by now. I still remember that day. I raged in pain and had intended to call someone else. Alas it was your name that left my mouth, and you called back. How could I not appreciate that? You have cradled me while I cried more than once and scolded me when I was being a little shit to others. I reach for you and you are there, even if you’re busy and have to get back to me, I trust you’ll come back. I still do not know why you answered my plaintive cry, but I am forever grateful.
Hail Aset, Queen of Heaven
Praise to the Lady of the Stars.
Dua to She with 1000 Names
Dua to She who knows the ren of Ra.
Hail to the Princess of the Gods,
To She who is Master of Magic
And Songs shall be sung in Her honor
As Her presence heralds the Flood.
Hail to the Goddess of Mothers,
Praise to the Greatest of Wives,
Dua to She who saved her Husband
And conceived Heru, King of Gods.
Sweetest incense in Her honor,
Pleasant drink to sate Her thirst,
Heavenly Food to nourish Her ka
And ma’at to bring Her strength.
Great goddess of Heaven and Earth
Rain blessings down on me,
May I earn your favor
And your trust I never lose.
So, last week I was telling Z about Dapper and other things going on and he asked me a question that lots of people who hear/sense ethereal beings get asked. “How do you hear them?”
I didn’t really have an answer for him. How do you explain hearing without sound, or sensing without touch? How do you explain the flutter of intuition or the pressure of a god’s presence? We take our senses for granted, and we have no words to describe their use or their feeling. Anything we try to explain them with invariably requires an understanding of them that confounds the explanation. Rule one of defining is that you do not use the word or experience in the definition of itself. It defeats the purpose. If I cannot see and ask you what red looks like, you would not tell me it is the color of a tomato, because that would require me to be able to see the tomato. You would, hopefully, describe it with other sensory references, but obviously that isn’t entirely accurate, since most people don’t really know what a color feels like, or what a sound looks like. (Unless you’re a synesthestite, but that’s a different bag of worms and not everyone with synesthesia experiences the same warping of senses).
I told him flat out that I don’t really know how to describe it, and that I don’t hear them literally like I can hear him. He knew this, of course, but it still confounded him. I mentioned that it isn’t always words either, sometimes it’s feelings and sensations. Sometimes it’s intuition. We went on to discuss that he had tried before, to talk to God, but that he could never be sure he wasn’t making things up. I told him that everyone who has a godphone feels that way, because it’s true. In fact, I’d wager that the more strongly you’re god-bothered, the more likely you are to think you’re crazy and making shit up. The more doubtful you are. He went on to say that may be true, but at least sometimes they know, at least sometimes they’re sure. I neglected to mention that they almost never know, and are almost never sure, at least the people I know. I did mention that even the people I trust for advice and discernment go through that and that I doubt a lot too, but that’s where faith comes in.
It’s true though, that’s where faith comes in. At some point everyone hears something false or fights sock puppets. But, especially as you get more used to it, you can start to tell when you’re hearing truth and other beings. However, that doesn’t stop the mind numbing and terrifying doubt that you’re a lunatic. And from what I’ve seen, that’s normal as you get better at listening. From what I’ve seen, the better you are at this spirit-talking god-phone thing, the more you doubt and the scarier it is. You don’t have the complete, fearless, undying confidence of a newb. Amateurs are often brave to the point of being cocky, because they haven’t seen the scary shit, or been disappointed or crushed. They haven’t had their world trampled and changed and twisted up by reality. Their heads haven’t been cracked open.
Z asked me this question and all I could think was he didn’t want to hear. It isn’t all fun and games, it isn’t always cool and awesome. While it is nice to know they’re real and can respond, it also means they can talk to you without you asking, and they can ignore you when you talk. And often times, once they realize you’re listening, they want you to listen. And what they might have to say isn’t always great. Don’t get me wrong, I love my gods, but I also see what happens with others and I see that they are on the move. I know I’ll probably get swept up in that. Luckily I have advanced friends who care about me and told me the truth about what it’s like. They speak candidly about their experiences and got the naiveté out of my head so that I can make better choices and have realistic expectations. Maybe that was by design, who knows.
In the end, who really knows anything? There are times when even the gods are unsure and who can know what we’re really hearing? It’s really a matter of faith at that point.
I recently restarted my personal practice after many months of hiatus, and the same questions have returned again. As a new adherent in an alternative, non-standardized religion, creating a personal practice is exactly that, creating. Being new also adds in the bonus level of floundering. While everyone is still creating their practice, their experience makes it easier to discern, to research and to coalesce. Of course, they were beginners at some point too, but they aren’t now, and I know I at least have to remind myself that I’ll eventually get better and figure some things out. It’s still slow going however.
Primarily I still have to figure out what I want my daily practice to look like. What do I want to do in shrine to honor my Netjer? How do I want to interact with Them? How will I hear Them when they speak? What about other entities? What, exactly, does devotion mean to me?
That last question is probably the hardest, and it most likely would provide at least partial answers to the others. See, in my church growing up, everything was already in place as a framework. There was a set order to things. Songs, Welcome and Contribution, Songs, Communion, Songs (we sing a lot as you can see), and then the Message. Sometimes we sing at the end too, sometimes we skip a section of songs. Basically, I grew up singing a lot, then doing a lot of listening. Well, there aren’t a lot of modern songs for the Netjeru (yet), and unfortunately the way to sing the ancient songs is lost. I’m not that great at music, but that’s almost always what I want to do, sing. Devotion is song, because song is praise, and even if I didn’t listen to a lick of the message, well I praised and that’s what I like. It’s a little frustrating to say the least.
Yes, I’m aware that I’m extremely late. I was inspired by a thing I saw on Facebook that had rewritten Christmas songs. They were Wicca flavored and it inspired me to make ones that were Kemetic flavored. Each song has in parentheses the song it was based on so that you can sing them easily. As long as you attribute their creation to me and do not change the lyrics without permission you may use them freely.
These lyrics are copyright to Rachael Jetter, aka Aine Rayne, owner of Finding the Secret Places. Please do not alter, copy in part or in whole without attribution, or sell without express written permission of the owner.
O Come, O Come, the Lord of the Knife(O Come, O Come, Emmanuel)
O Come, O Come the Lord of the Knife,
And lead me through the Cavern of the Night.
Full of strife and demons untold,
Guide me to Ra’s barque of gold!
R: Dua! Dua! Lord of Ma’at,
I seek your strength in light and dark!
O come, Lord of the Secret Place
And grant to me your wisdom and grace;
Make my body whole and pure,
That I may lie among the stars.
Refrain
O come, O come, the Son of Ra,
Who watches o’er the Scales of Ma’at
And crushes foes both near and far
That Ra may travel safely in His barque!
Refrain
O come, He Who Prepares the End
And brings Calamity on isfet!
Let none who we call Enemies
Against us in evil succeed.
Refrain
O come, Lord of the Pavilion
And wrap me in purest linen.
Guide me through the Duat
And make my heart light as ma’at.
Refrain
Hark! Nut, the Goddess Sings (Hark! The Herald Angels Sing)
1. Hark! Nut, the goddess sings;
“Glory to the new-born King;
Strength to Ra and shining skies,
Isfet’s defeat; Apep’s demise.
2. Joyful, all Egypt, arise.
Join the triumph of the Eyes.
With the goddesses proclaim,
“Heru is born and Osiris reigns!”
Hark! Nut, the goddess sings,
Glory to the new-born King.
Away in the Duat (Away in a Manger)
1. Away in the Duat, your heart in His hand,
The great god Anpu guides you through the Land.
The 42 gods look down upon you,
Anpu will fill your heart full of Truth.
2. The scales are not tipping, He’s balanced Them true
Djehuty testifies greatly for you.
Sing praise to Anpu, the Lord of the Knife,
Give gifts to Him who is Lord of Life.
3. Be near Lord of Heaven and King of the Gates,
Allow me to come to your Secret Place!
Lord of the Pavilion and Great in His Strength,
Bless me as I travel to the West!
Sekhmet We Have Heard on High (Angels We Have Heard on High)
Sekhmet we have heard on high
Roaring o’er the arid plains
And the sand dunes in reply
Uphold Her holy right to reign.
CHORUS:
Gloria, in excelsis Deae!
Gloria, in excelsis Deae!
People, why this fear in thee?
Why is all your faith so gone?
To whom do you praise and sing,
But a fearsome Eye of Ra!
Chorus
Come to Men Nefer and see
She who destroys enemies;
Come, with water and with meat,
For Sekhmet, the Desert Queen!
Chorus
I decided I was going to try and take part in NaNoWriMo this year. So far it isn’t going excellent, but I did get something done today. Introspection. I have a book, Writing Begins with the Breath by Laraine Herring. It has exercises in it and, on top of just freewriting, I also did a particular exercise. I don’t mind sharing, because perhaps it’ll make others struggling to find their way feel better because they aren’t alone.
I don’t know if I can do this. NaNoWriMo is a big deal, it’s fifty thousand words. How could I possibly fill that many words and make them mean something? How can I create something that soothes my soul? I don’t even know what my soul wants, what it needs. I know that my god and goddess make me feel heard by the universe. I know they respond and care about me. I know that [Zolfyer] is someone I love deeply. He makes me feel safe and protected, from the world and myself. I trust him to look after me and give me love. I know I want a child, so strongly that it’s nearly desperate. I don’t know why I wish for that so incredibly, even as I find myself terrified of being responsible for another life. I know I love plants. They are quiet and soft, steady and strong. Their spirits are easy to connect to, and they make me feel alive. I can learn a lot from them and they quiet and steady me. I know I love animals and wish so often to be a wolf. They are beautiful animals, they love their pack and care for each other. Strong, quiet, soft. They suffer from harsh weather and the simplicity of fighting for your food. And yet, and yet I wish to be one. Patience. Cooperation. I love the night, the moon calls to me as a light calls a moth. It is the eye of my god watching me at times, and others it is a guiding light. One that soothes and reaches out. I love the setting sun and the dawn. The between, the horizon. A blazing death of the sun, shattering the skies with its power and gorgeousness, a cool birth that gains strength. Fall and spring, the very air is charged with a certain energy. Nature holds its breath, the in between curls around me. The cool air is safe and inviting, the plants preparing for death and sleep, the whole world preparing for it. The power of their spirits returning in spring, growing and spreading, reaching out to me. Trees whisper to wake each other.
Writing begins with this breath. The breath of change, the sigh of sleep, of release. The yawn of waking, of growing. The breath of the wind, the breath of nature, as it shifts, as it moves, as it cools and as it warms, the touch of rain, the wash of water, the heat of the sun. Ah, this is where writing begins. Everywhere around me it breathes, it searches, it stretches. It soothes.
Is this why I reach for my camera in spring and fall? Why I watch the blossoms grow and shift, why I love the black and white? How I miss taking pictures.
I’m finally going to do these exercises for this book. Here’s the first one.
When I am at a crossroads I…
stall. I run away or stand there as long as I possibly can doing nothing. I’ve no confidence in my ability to make decisions for myself, especially if they are important. Why should I be? They are often belittled or overridden, or both. Crossroads are scary places for me, because they are lined with those who question me so much that I cannot be certain of myself or their paths. These same people also have so many ideas, thoughts and suggestions (though they can often be called commands and instructions) that I have too much information and too many options. Then I am questioned more, interrogated even, and my confidence and willingness to cooperate is shot even more. When I finally make a decision, if it’s possible, it is still hounded and I am plagued with uncertainty and regret over whether I made the best decision. Either that or the decision is overturned and I am forced the way someone else thinks is the best way, if I’m given the ability to decide on my own in the first place. It is…counterproductive. I am not capable of relying on my own intuition and wisdom. I am not often given the benefit of the doubt as to whether I am able to make the appropriate decision for myself, on my own. I have been told that I am incompetent and unreliable, I am still told regularly that I am not an adult. I still have no respect. I am lost and stuck at crossroads, frozen and panic-stricken, heckled and doubted.
Change means…
loss. Initially I was going to go with the classic “fear”, but loss is what came out. Change is loss, you are losing the old for the new. You are leaving behind the security of the known for the unknown. Change is panic, change is annoying. Change is refreshing, yet it does not refresh. It is a way to move things along. The irony is that change may not purge stagnation, and even when it does, you may be so plagued by stress and aggravation that you feel no relief, even if it’s what you wanted. I have had many things in my life change, not all of them for the better, as all people experience. Recently I experienced change in the form of a new goddess. The Queen of Light and Dark, Persephone. She requested to work with me and Anpu and Aset agreed. They are even enthusiastic about Persephone’s presence. They think it is a good change of pace. She does not seem like one who will cause me undue duress, and has already reached out to me. How can I turn them down, when they all are so excited to help me? Yet, I still have no idea what She wants.
Fear means…
itself. I honestly do not know what to think about this. Fear is itself, it reaches into every corner of life to warn you, to hold you back. Sometimes it is unnecessary and unwelcome, but fear always has a purpose. It is always warning you of something, whether that be undesired revelations or the contents of the creepy closet. Fear is a catalyst, it will either hamper you or inspire you. Can you push past the barrier of fear to write? Can you understand why you’re afraid of what you write, and what you want to write? How can you use that fear to help you, to push you forward? Fear always reveals something; it reveals what you want, what you don’t want, what you hide and why. I hide from those who know me, for I fear they will read it and be angry or dismissive. “You’re not depressed, it is just being a teenager.” You’re not an adult until I say you are. You know nothing of that. You are liar, arrogance, selfishness. When you are told such things you begin to fear your perspective, your sanity, your mind and opinion. You begin fearing whether you are capable of truth and of knowledge. Can I be wise? Can I tell truth? Can my writing show selflessness and humility, while being true to myself and perspective? Is my mind valid?
Risk means…
Change and Terror. Panic, but a potentially worthy pursuit. Risk is exposure, it is weeping. You tear down your walls and put yourself out there, inviting the world to look at your wounds and scars. Will they see what you hope for, or what you always feared? Is risk worth it? You open yourself to criticism, to misunderstanding. You expose yourself to abuse and name-calling. Are you brave enough? Are you strong enough? Risk is gathering your strength, your hope, your trust and placing it on the block. Will you be lauded or crucified? Lynched or paraded? Will others see your truths, will they be helped or harmed? Who knows, but everywhere there is risk. You risk your life in so many ways every day. You risk your sanity, your health, all the time. Here, there be demons.
This particular story starts three days ago in the grocery store. I saw a giant box of pomegranates and Aset very strongly nudged that She wanted one. Aset rarely asks me for anything so I figured, why not? I like pomegranates and haven’t had one in a couple years. Yesterday I woke up feeling a vague sensation. I didn’t really have words for it, but it had everything to do with the sky outside. Going outside to feel the startling warmth of the day despite the dreary sky intensified the sensation. The very wind was whispering to that feeling in my heart.
I had a strange string of thoughts while heading to work. Thinking about Anpu and Aset, about my path and offerings led to thoughts of heka for my younger sister and Persephone. Persephone’s presence remained throughout the day and I pondered if She was there over my sister. I still think She has plans and cares about my sister, but She is here for me as well. At one point I fussed at Aset for inviting Persephone into my head for pomegranates (and then Anpu for trying to pull “well She’s my friend too!”) However I really didn’t mind. I had to admit I was fairly curious where the Queen of Light and Dark came from and why.
In the meantime I figured out what that sensation was. I don’t usually have very strong and vivid premonitions, but this was and still is a clear and powerful feeling. Change. Yesterday was brimming with the energy of change. A fantastic wave of turbulent energy flowed into me with even the slightest breeze. The entire day the weather insisted that it was upon the edge, waiting for cliffs to crumble (I also had an internal monologue about cliffs from my writing persona) and hoarding energy. Now, the sense of this change is very neutral, some people are going to have good change, some are not, others are going to have much of both. I am certain that everyone is going to be affected, but this premonition is specific to people I know and am close to. The overwhelming sense is that the change is going to be very intense, but again, not necessarily negative.
I feel like Persephone’s presence is part of the start of this change for me. I really don’t know much about Her, but She apparently approached Aset and Anpu to ask if She could work with me. According to my tarot draw, both of my netjer are excited for this new opportunity for me. Anpu went so far to say this could be a new start, to my creative spirit and my spiritual path. They both insist they won’t leave, so for that I am relieved. With this new deal though, I had to more thoroughly consider where my path was going. I have thought off and on for a couple weeks if the path of Kemeticism was right for me. I know my gods are right, I just don’t know if the religious framework is useful to me anymore.
I did what I like doing. I asked for help. Now, some of you know iretenra. She’s super awesome and worships Anpu as her primary deity as well. I’ve learned a lot from her, and regard her very highly. She also worships Persephone (and if I’m not mistaken came to that through Persephone’s self-invite). I went right to message her and ask for help. I figured Iretenra was in a similar situation as I was and she gave me spectacular advice.
1. Persephone is very helpful and kind. You may experience Her differently, but why not see it through?
2. If you feel Kemeticism isn’t working for you, think about what does.
3. You can figure out what does work by doing some introspection on what makes your heart sing spiritually.
4. Follow your heart.
Considering Kemeticism is all about hearts, I can jive with those things. She gave me examples of what she meant too, so I have a bit of a starting point. Ironically several of the things she listed are things that make my heart sing spiritually. I still need to consider things more deeply, especially if I plan to create a spiritual path off of these things and incorporate Anpu, Aset and now Persephone. So, we’ll see where this change goes.
So, I’ve been avoiding the gods. I am quite stuck in a rut now. I don’t know what to do next, or how to break free. I’m frustrated with Anpu. You see, He keeps insisting on not worrying about the mundane and focusing on the spiritual. However, I find it nearly impossible to do that. I’m a full-time student, I’m a full-time girlfriend, I work part-time and I just have obligations like everyone does. How can I possibly not worry? Not to mention, it’s not like Anpu has anything specific in mind when He says focus on the spiritual. In fact, all He says is to be creative. While I consider myself a fairly creative person, I often need some inspiration somewhere. I can’t stand implorations to just “be creative.” Especially since I don’t necessarily have the luxury to fart around thinking.
Then, I read a blog post. Devo wrote this a little while ago and I read it the other day. It reminded me that I’m not going to be good at everything. I know exactly what it is that I am good at, what I am decent at but need practice on, and what I am not good at. I know all these things about the mundane. I do not know these things for spiritual matters.
It made me realize that I need to focus and keep trying. Of course, one of the things I thought about after reading it was when do we know to stop trying/stop practicing? At what point can we realize and recognize that we need to try something else? I respect Devo, Aubs, Sard and a whole bunch of other Kemetics immensely. They encourage me and help me so much it’s mind-boggling. They constantly remind me that they don’t have anything together 100%, that they’ve been at this for years. Seven, ten, fifteen years. They had tried some technique, some thing, for years. Yet, I know there were things they tried and abandoned. When do we know to move on to try something else? When did they know? How do I know?
I’ve had some interesting things go on in my mundane life. As I mentioned in my last post, Zolfyer has a job now. He still likes it, but he’s finding that it is difficult to some degree. Tiring, draining. I also have a job; nannying for a very nice couple and their infant. I like them and I adore their baby, but in so many ways I feel like I’m not doing enough. Z and I are still trying to save to move out and our expenses have gone way up. The reason is we have a new car, and therefore, a car note and higher insurance. He is footing almost all of our expenses and savings, because I am in school and really can’t balance a full course load and a full-time job. He is ok with this because eventually I will be done school and he wants me to finish, and when I finish I will be capable of significant contribution to the finances.
Lately though we’ve been arguing. My health isn’t superb right now, not really unusual for this time of year. However we’ve been stressed out. Our ability to spend time together is getting seriously compromised and certain segments of my family are not helping us. They are trying to help, but they are not. I am…not very happy with myself or others. I can’t explain it really. I feel like I am neither helping, nor being helped. One of the Netjer told me today that I am being unreasonable and causing Z stress. I know they aren’t sock puppets because they usually are not on my side when I’m causing trouble. This isn’t any different. So for that I know what I have to do. I don’t know what to do about the rest of the issues going on. Everything is so uncertain and feels inadequate, yet I do feel like progress is being made towards my mundane goals. However, I do feel like some things are coming at a cost that I dislike. I feel massively separated from everything and like I’m watching the world spin around me, doing whatever it wants without me. I feel less involved in my own actions and my brain refuses to churn out inspiration for writing.
Instead I’ve turned to baking. I haven’t discussed baking recently because I haven’t done it recently. However, the other day I decided to make biscuits to rectify starting an argument. They came out ok, for some reason my dough refuses to rise. I made bread tonight, same issue. I followed the recipe to the letter, both for the biscuits and for the bread tonight, and yet, nothing. It’s good yeast, it activated, I mixed and kneaded thoroughly. Yet the dough still won’t rise. It is quite delicious if I say so myself, but it just. won’t. rise. I’m starting to feel like my bread is reflecting something of myself. I really feel that I’ve found my niche in the family baking tradition. Everyone makes sweets, my grandmother and mom make cakes and pies, my sister makes cakes and cookies, me, I make bread. I adore making bread, I really do. I don’t mind making other things, but it isn’t hand-sy enough. Ironic since I’m such a stickler for my hands being clean and grime free. However, I like mixing, I like kneading, I like flour. There is something delightful about banging, folding, turning and rolling a big mess into something useful and tasty for others. It is the same delight as cooking; I am providing something useful and nice for others. Feeding them, taking care of them. This is also why I love plants so much. They always appreciate care and affection and you can readily see how your treatment makes them grow.
Is that what is missing here? Practicality and usefulness to others, feeling as though I am taking care of them and receiving their appreciation? Maybe that is why I still struggle to maintain focus and motivation for crocheting, writing, language learning, and my other hobbies. Maybe there is too much abstract, too much centrality. Perhaps I don’t feel useful enough. Perhaps I don’t feel like I am providing a service to others, a way to make them feel cared about. Then also, perhaps I also struggle to feel I am improving. As much as I am an abstract thinker, I really enjoy the solid and concrete. That probably makes a lot of sense, I need concrete things to ground my wild thoughts. Z is a very solid, literal thinker and I love it. I feel safe and like I can count on him, with a sure surface to hold on to when I’m floundering or confused. He also helps me actually stick to and use solidarity, because having an abstract and watery brain makes it hard to hold on to the land you desperately want and need. However, with such things as self-learning Japanese or wading into the spiritual, it is difficult to judge success and improvement. I mean, obviously you improve, but, I am not good at making goals. As much as I’ve counseled my younger sister on how to make great goals, I am not that good at it myself. Sticking to said goals and other ways to keep progress on track are not easy for me either. So, having poorly formed goals and having a hard time sticking to goals makes it difficult to see anything going or to get going. I guess I’m also used to having goals that eventually end the endeavor. But, language and spirituality, unlike a crochet project or even a writing project, are sort of never-ending things. I love all four things, yet I struggle so greatly with them.
It hurts that I struggle so much. I want to be so good at them! I’m smart, I’m talented, so why can’t I do them? I practice and think and research and yet I go nowhere. Even when I have motivation and focus, somehow I still fail. I am not bad at these things, I am more than a beginner. Yet here I am, stuck in a rut. I know what is wrong with writing. I know what is causing me problems there, yet fixing them is not easy. Even my photography is stuck, but at least it is fall, so I could, in theory, jump back in. Focus is the main problem with both crochet and language. I’ve no idea what I’m doing wrong in baking, so I shall have to try a different recipe. I guess focus and confidence are the problems in spirituality. Who knows. All I know is I am trying and I just need to stick to a schedule of some sort. That is probably the hardest part for me. Also something hard, realizing when I’m being and stopping being insufferable and unreasonable. Being a human is hard. Well, at least I have a plan. Perhaps I should consider more how I can incorporate plants and others into my hobbies and spirituality. I must find a way to solidify the things I’m trying to do in my spiritual life. I need to figure out the matter of practicality and caretaking for my spirituality and these hobbies and create good, sustainable goals.
Oh, I almost forgot, there’s a new goddess hanging around. She never introduced Herself and still hasn’t. No one has said anything about Her, I may have noticed Her earlier than I was supposed to. All I know is I noticed Her presence while offering food to Anpu and Aset, so I gave Her some too. She is fair skinned with black hair and reminds me vaguely of Ma’at. Simple clothes, no wings, so She wasn’t Aset, who always has Her headdress and wings. That and Aset was to my left and this other goddess was to my right. It may very well be Ma’at, but I really don’t think so.This unknown goddess doesn’t have a headdress, but something vaguely feather-like and simple rests on Her head. There was no detail, it was totally blurry, but it was weird. It could potentially be Serket. I don’t know.
This is my personal interaction and relationship with Anpu. It is not a be all, end all and is informed by historical information of His character and behavior. Anpu may not come to you and interact with you in the same way He does with me. Just as you don’t act exactly the same from friend to friend or family member to family member, the gods are individuals with personalities and have the capacity to approach you differently than someone else. This does not necessarily make me right or you right in how you experience the deity, but it also does not necessarily make either of us wrong.
I’m writing this because Anpu wants me to write. In His opinion I should write because I can, and because I could be helpful to others. And I shouldn’t waste my time on satire and other “unsavory” writing activities. Either be creative or be useful to those who search. Yeah, so I’m gonna do that because I’d rather not incur the wrath of my normally very quiet deity. I’ve done a post on meeting Anpu before but this is a little different.
Now, I’ve said before that I approached Anpu and did so probably way too early in my Kemetic path. I was excited, I was a newb, and I had new information courtesy of Per-Sabu that Anpu was really as awesome and cool and not evil as I had always hoped He would be. I’m almost certain that I genuinely said to Him “I’m gonna follow you around like a nosy, lost puppy until you tell me to stop or give me something to do.” Well He didn’t tell me to stop and He recently gave me something to do. So now I’m still a nosy puppy but I’m not as lost and confused as before.
Anpu is very quiet. It’s not that He has nothing to say, He’s just very thoughtful. He’s like the poster god for introversion. I was thinking earlier of ways to describe how His personality comes off to me and I’ve got to say it’s like having that great-grandparent. You know the one, they don’t say much and either seem like they aren’t listening at all or are very intensely paying attention. Either way, they always know exactly what is going on and who said exactly what and when. They are the type that catch everything when you think they’ve seen or heard nothing and who know your secrets before you know them. They are never surprised by anything because they were already aware of what was going on. They also never say anything without thinking it through thoroughly and they are short and to the point. Arrow to the heart, nail on the head, whatever cliché you want. Sometimes they say nothing at all, either because it’s better left unsaid, or it won’t make a difference or because it needs to be said only after someone fucks up. They speak softly, but carry a big stick, and you always get quiet and listen and do as you’re told when they talk. That’s Anpu to me.
He is usually very unassuming. Indeed, historically He was the most approachable of the gods and still is. Unfortunately His reputation has been twisted up by movies and pop culture and over focus on His funerary aspect, which, although extremely important and His primary duty, is not His only layer. Pop culture by far makes it the most difficult to find genuine and useful information on the Jackal. Since pop culture tends to love the dangerous and the dramatic, it focuses on His funerary aspect in a negative way, as well as His Roman title of Master of Curses. Obviously that was the entire focus of His role in The Mummy (1999) and its sequels, especially The Mummy Returns (2001). As one can imagine there is a lot of contrived treatment of the Jackal because He’s the “dark, edgy, scary, death god!” While He very much can be scary and He is a god of death, He’s never really struck me as dark or edgy. Moody perhaps, but He’s a very calm god and actually has a sense of humor.
Another problem is how disrespectful people can be of Anubis and those trying to follow Him. When I first went looking for information I found a lot of disgusting and insulting information. People were clearly being condescending, saying that the best way to worship Anubis is to kill someone and mummify them or even mummify them alive as well as to build pyramids. Then of course there’s a tv show, bands, and other things have Anubis in the name. Research is hard to come by if you don’t know where or how to look and sometimes it’s inaccessible even if you can find it, usually because it costs money or is so academically inclined that it’s hard to read and understand. Finding information on any aspect of Anubis that isn’t funerary is even harder.
Thankfully, Anubis is a pretty approachable deity. Although it can be frustrating at times to realize that He’s merely looking at you pointedly while you’re scrambling to figure out how to worship Him, He’s very nice over all. He does that a lot btw, looking at you, patiently waiting for you to figure out and do what you’re supposed to do. It can also be hard to hear Him when He does speak. He absolutely speaks softly and carries a big stick, that He hides behind His back for only the right situations. Remember always that He may be kind and quiet, but that doesn’t mean He can’t and won’t whoop your sorry little ass. I have never experienced an ass whoopin by Him and I’d like to keep it that way. Remember what He does for a living, and where He lives. The Duat is not rainbows and sunshine, it has serious dangers that can obliterate your soul before you get to the nice parts and Anpu LIVES there. He is a master of the between, a god of the horizon, of twilight and dawn. This is part of the reason He’s so approachable, He has his hands among us mortals a lot and deals with our pain and suffering. He is one who makes things whole, He Who Makes the Divine Body Beautiful With United Members, ie a healer.
I think that’s something to think about. Anpu, a healer, and a mage. Yep, lots of the gods are good at magic, but Anpu is actually very good at magic. He was often called on for divination and the like because He was known as a Master of Secrets. He Who is Over the Secrets is just one epithet that demonstrates this. He actually has a truck ton of epithets. They’re really cool too and I’ll likely post some of my favorite ones later. But consider that, a god so well known for presiding over Death, a healer. A patron to the lost, to orphans and widows. Consider a god who presides over all these things, He is not loud or obnoxious, nor is He aggressive and vengeful. He is most certainly capable of being any of those things, but in general He is not.
He is an epitome of “silent strength” and “quiet fortitude”. A king of being assertive without necessarily being aggressive. A teacher of when to show teeth and when to just growl. That is probably going to be my next goal, my next lesson to learn. I think He likes to teach, and likes to help, but I also think He likes making our brains work for it. He wants us to try and think of it ourselves, of stretching our minds to new thought processes and to notice and see new things or old things in a different way. This can be very hard and extremely frustrating. I know because that’s basically what I’m going through now as I try to figure out what I should do to improve my life and myself, and to be on a path to prosperity. Noticing something you’ve been blind to is hard, because you really cannot see it even if it’s in front of your face. You don’t know it’s there and you don’t know what you’re looking for, so it’s difficult to get your brain to stop passing over it like it’s a background.
One has to wonder though, when you should stop and have it pointed out for you. Sometimes it takes to long to wait for the click and the opening of your perception. I don’t know when that is yet honestly. I just know He’s standing there patient, waiting for me to figure it out and see what He sees. I think though, that He’s getting to the point where He may need to point it out to me. It’s difficult to see and think outside of your paradigm and established patterns, because you’re still thinking in your established patterns in order to get out of them. Not to mention trying to get your mind to do something new is difficult because you don’t know what new feels like. I think the Jackal understands this, and I think He understands it more than some of the other Netjer.
I have some songs that I listen to that Anpu seems to like and that remind me of Him. Perhaps you’ll see what I see when you listen to them. I think something else I ought to say about Anpu is that He doesn’t usually communicate directly by words. Oftentimes it is nudges, feelings, intuitive knowing, and of course expression. I see His eyes a lot when He’s trying to say something. They are a reddish-gold and determined. I’m not sure why they often seem that way, though they are often full of gentleness and mirth too. I think Anpu is a god of the people and that more people should talk with Him, if only to have someone to listen to you. He seems very adept at communicating with other gods as well and can share.
I hope I’ve made Anpu seem accessible and conveyed at least some of His awesomeness. He’s apparently one of the most popular Netjer, along with Bast, but it often seems that He is one of the most misunderstood and who is most often the victim of bad PR. I have to say it probably doesn’t compare with the bad PR, misunderstanding and insulting behavior and such as Set and Sekhmet (and even Hetheru and Bast to some degree) receive, but it is pretty bad. There seems to be a ton of people saying bad things about Anpu or “worshipping” Him in a condescending and poorly understood manner and that ends up putting off people who could really benefit from Him and making it difficult for current worshippers to find decent information and get taken seriously. I have hesitated to say that I worship Anpu as my primary deity because I don’t want people to automatically assume I’m a fluff or worse, run into fluffs. Either way I would rather not get insulted and attacked. No matter what though, Anpu has been a great god to work with and He has helped me in some bunches.
Songs that I play for Anpu:
Listen to the Rain
Yes they are all Evanescence songs, yes I have more than just five songs that make me think of Anpu, and yes they are not all Evanescence songs. But these are the ones that have the strongest connection, especially the last two. Those are the ones I sing for Him in shrine, though not often. For some reason I find myself disruptively emotional when I sing in shrine. That’s probably something else I’m gonna learn about eventually, either from Anpu or Aset, about handling emotions and how to use them and let them loose. I am surprisingly afraid of my own emotions, for a variety of reasons I won’t get into here.
I think I’ll write on more about Anpu’s specific associations later and probably on making an altar and prayer to Him next.
The Woods of My Heart 