Whisper, whisper, as weak as a breeze.

Quiet, quiet, you’re among trees.

Listen, they only talk in a hush,

Listen to them speak in a rush.

Dark amongst them, yet they live in light,

Catch their words as they speak to the night.

Lost, get lost amongst their breath,

Then you’ll never know what happens next.

Death in their leaves, watch them fall apart

as the sky darkens and the warmth departs.

Are we not so much like them?

Can we escape their fate?

Even the evergreens eventually sleep.

Silence, silence as the cold settles in

but you can hear their whispers even then.

Pain, pain as the new growth starts.

Will the warmth return, will the morning star ignite?

Rebirth, they cry, resurrection is here,

hear their hushed and private tears.

A wish, just one, floats on the wind.

The wish, the hope, to live again.

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And The Road Wanders

With the blessings of Anpu I have officially started learning about Hinduism. It’s been following me around since I learned about it many years ago. There was always something about it that enticed me, and now that I’m really focusing on learning about it and its many, many parts I can clearly see why. It’s beautiful. It’s understandable. It is easy and complex in the ways I need. The way you relate to god is exactly what I’m looking for. It’s like coming home and taking your pants off and chucking your bra across the room. It’s refreshing. I can truly say I resonate with it.

This of course makes me wonder what I’m going to do in the end. Somehow I don’t think I’ll be able to go back to how I was before, but I know I cannot walk completely away from Kemeticism and that path. I also find that I resonate with that path as well, I simply have issues fleshing out the practice. Anpu and I have been talking about various needs and expectations. Mine, specifically. What I need to be a good devotee and a happy human. Which is sort of necessary for His particular needs and expectations to get met. Not that He’s expounded on them any extra than usual, but that’s the Netjer for you sometimes. They are very much like their language: here’s all the consonants you could ever want! But (insert Netjer here) what about the vowels? I don’t know if this is this word or if it’s that word! And what in your name is this word?!  LOL have fun human (chucks vowels at you).

To some degree it’s not their fault. They just have “their ways” just like we have ours. I’m queen of bratty passive-aggression and startling vehemence. Nonetheless, I know I’ll learn some valuable things just by learning about such a gorgeous religion as Hinduism. I’m sure I’ll walk away with some permanent changes and probably at least one goddess (Anpu keeps telling me to hurry up and talk to Kali because apparently she’s annoying him or something). I don’t mind that I think. Oddly enough though, it’s awkwardly hard to find specific information on any of the major sects, but info abounds on Hinduism in general and ultra-basic synopses of the sects. Makes me want to bang my head against a wall. My google-fu is lacking. In the meantime, I’ll work with what I have and look for more.

Coincidentally, Devo wrote a post a couple days ago that is far too relevant to make me not headdesk. Like, clue by four much? I suppose that’s a good thing since I’m a knucklehead anyway. Time to dive in to a new chapter of my spiritual life neh? What I would really like though, is for someone to explain these weird ass dreams to me so that I can make them stop >.> I’m rather tired of zombies and death and apparently the new thing is more breaking laws of physics buildings and trains and shit. Ugh, brain, y u no spek inglis?

More and Stranger Still

I’ve never had recurring dream themes before, but zombie apocalypse seems to have become one. After arguing with my brain about sleep I finally passed out and dreamt, again, of zombies. But, as per usual, I can’t have a straightforward, simple dream about anything, much less this. First oddity, it was clearly winter in this dream, second oddity, cats everywhere, third oddity, an illusionist with an asylum. I’ll get to that.

The dream began with familiar faces in a subway. Obviously the trains weren’t working, but it was snowing or raining and we were trying to avoid as many zombies as we could. Eventually though we ran into a horde and were forced above ground. We ended up getting split up trying to escape the massive aboveground horde. I couldn’t tell you why there were so many of those bastards there. I ended up with one friend and two or three random ass people who were probably responsible for getting that many zombies in one place. This particular city was amazingly full of live people for being so horribly infested with the undead.

We escaped into a large building reminiscent of a catholic school connected to a large church. It was fairly large and complex inside. Myself, my friend, and one of the randoms ended up down one hallway and found some stairs and a set of double doors that led to a cafeteria. The doors made us uneasy despite seeing schoolchildren inside, but our real attention was drawn to the stairs because we could hear singing. We carefully went up the stairs to find a man observing the kids and singing with a record player. He welcomed us and told us about this place and that those kids weren’t real. When we looked through his observing window we saw nuns caring for women who were clearly psychotic. Some were catatonic, others were wandering, but all of them were essentially unaware of themselves and their surroundings. I don’t know why he told us all this.

The place was his and he cared for the women. He enjoyed trapping people and tricking them with his illusions. Although the children were a fantasy he “cared” for them too. Like they were ghosts after a fashion. It was weird. He sent us on our way, but going down the steps proved to be a bit of a trap. We went through the double doors, seeing the children first and then the real scene of the women. The thing about this illusion is that you’re almost transported into it, so you don’t see and can’t hit the women and they can’t do either to you. It’s hard to describe, but I think I’ve made my point.

We went through the cafeteria and found more steps. They went both down and up, because screw physics. Going down the hallway at the top brought us to a bedroom. A woman was inside, and although she was unhappy she let us in. In her room was a door that led downstairs to a living room, where we found a zombie and an enemy. This part of the dream is fuzzy. I don’t remember much about the enemy or the fight, but we ended up saved by three cats and locked him, half dead, with the zombie whose legs we ended up cutting off. We managed to make it out of there and meet back up with the team.

They had somehow gotten hold of an oil truck and knocked it over. We actually blew the zombies up. Unfortunately a few humans we didn’t see got caught up in it, but it was effective. Weirdly enough the military came out of nowhere with tanks and lines of infantry. They covered us in a very skilled tactical maneuver and we escaped. We ended up seeing them on the next block as we skirted a small number of zombies feasting on corpses and I watched them slaughter the zombies quietly. It was rather cartoonish as they managed to sneak up quietly with fucking tanks. Then they got their attention and all the zombies popped up at once, like a group of dogs, and turned to them and got shot. In a confusing twist the tanks and rear guard started shooting the front line, instructing them to set their timers to 7. The reason is that every soldier, including the higher ups in the tank, were fitted with explosives in their uniforms and everyone got shot if they were withing three feet of a zombie or dead body. It was gruesome.

We and the remaining soldiers moved on to the next block, coincidentally the one with the school-church. Weirdly the block was now totally quiet, body and zombie free and instead full of people. Like, real yet unsettlingly unreal people. It was creepy seeing all those silent people walking to the church. There were even kids. Some sort of ceremony was going to start soon and the schedule for the people, that is the rules of being in the community (i.e. if you don’t work you don’t eat) was about to change to the next shift. I ended up back in the hallway with the cafeteria and saw both the fake kids and the real women, and realized that, like the kids, the entire community was a half-real illusion. I could hear the creeper upstairs singing.

My group wasn’t fooled, and in fact found it quite upsetting having this half illusion in their heads. Unfortunately the soldiers weren’t so lucky and only saw the kids and people. They went into the cafeteria happily, glad at their good fortune to be able to relax. I’m fairly certain they were all slaughtered by the illusionist. My group escaped into the bedroom, and there was a little girl there who had fled from outside. Although technically part of the illusion she had enough substance and will to escape with us. Of course, we found ourselves caught between the zombie and enemy downstairs and the massacre of the cafeteria.

I searched the room for weapons since i was either out of bullets or about to be. I found some long scissors and knitting needles (have you seen some of the bigger ones? You could stake a vampire with those bad boys). I took the scissors apart and gave the now separated blades to the little girl. We opened the door slowly and I could see the zombie hiding at the bottom. It was rather clever, but I could see that bastard’s hair. The cats were there, a reassurance, but we still couldn’t go down blindly. The zombie eventually got enough gusto to attack but I managed to slay him with a strike to the eye.

The woman from before appeared, but of course that’s when I woke up.

We All Have to Start Somewhere

This, yes. I ran into a lot of the “overzealous” criticism when I first started out. It was hurtful and put me off of talking to people who could really have helped me. It was also shocking, because how could I know I was doing something wrong? I certainly wasn’t being willfully ignorant. So, be kind to the newbies.

The Twisted Rope

Alternate Title: Paganism is like Japanese food, so quit picking on newbs.

This past weekend I was strapped to find a place to eat. Due to my laziness and the part of town I was in, I opted to go to a place I never go to anymore: Ra. For those of you who don’t know, Ra is a chain “Japanese” restaurant. I place Japanese in quotes because, as far as I’m concerned, the food is more American than Japanese in nature, though the restaurant does try, if nothing else.

I sat down at the table and looked the menu over. I placed my order and waited for the food to come. While I waited, I mulled over how long it had been since I had been to Ra. Truth is, it’s probably been 4 or 5 years since I last visited. As I took my first sip of the…

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More Lunacy from Dreamland

This dream started off in a completely black room. It was totally dark. The only thing in it was a desk with about fifteen to twenty computer monitors on it. A man was there and asked me to come look at the screens. I was suspicious, especially since they all were covered in static. The brand wasn’t anything I recognized, all I knew was they were super thin and high tech. I don’t remember what i was shown on the screens.

The next part was me following someone. I was with a small group, three people and a little girl, the daughter of one of the men. I knew him, a man who is a wolf. I worry now that I’m awake that it was truly my wolf spirit Dapper. The reason why is because we were traveling through a forest looking for a place to rest. Wherever we were was in civil war and we were mercenaries. However, none of us wanted to be involved in this nonsense. For those who may not know, Dapper is a very experienced soldier, but why his youngest daughter would be with us is confusing. I’m hoping this part was just a dream and not real, because she was kidnapped. We left her in a hiding place while we went to find food and shelter, when we came back there was a man waiting for us and he told us he was from the extremists who began the war. His organization was holding the little one hostage for our cooperation and skills.

I don’t know where our other two companions were, but I know they cooperated because they cared about the little girl too. They sent us to different places. I remember us talking to someone near a lake. It was a beautiful place, we stood on a stone bridge with sakura trees and weeping willows reaching their beautiful branches and blossoms over us and the water. We spoke with a woman, though I don’t quite remember what about. It was about the war and being forced into the assassin’s role, about the fairness of having his daughter kidnapped. Dapper spoke bitterly and someone passed by us. I don’t know who it was, but the person said something cruel to him about the situation, I believe he was with the woman. Dapper threatened to kill them all, the whole organization. The man spoke nastily again and Dapper drowned him. Beat the man and flung him into the water and held him down. The woman wasn’t afraid, she wanted that man dead and gave us our next assignment.

I remember sneaking around the city as a wolf. I found his daughter. She was being kept in a steel box because she was violent and inherited her father’s strength and magic. She recognized me but said nothing. The men were lower rank and figured I was just a large dog. They even fed me and let her pet me, keeping me around because she was behaving. Eventually I had to leave because I saw the man who had told us of the kidnapping. He recognized me and I ran back to Dapper. The next place we had to go was a theater, a show. We met several of the head honchos of the organization there, including the man who had told us of our extortion. They had the little girl in the box there as a reminder for us to behave and do their bidding. Dapper cried after assassinating several people. He was upset that he couldn’t rescue his daughter.

This is why I’m hoping that wasn’t real. Dapper made me leave. I don’t know what happened next. He sent me somewhere else. I don’t really know how or why, but I ended up outside an FBI building. A woman came out and asked who I was. I told her what was going on and she took me upstairs. She and her superiors asked me all sorts of questions, including questions about the computer screens in the black room. I explained what I could remember to her, including what the screens looked like. She said it sounded a lot like the screens had been stolen from their building. They were after the organization and wanted to help get the little girl back. Once I had answered all I could I left.

Zolfyer came and got me. I don’t know how he knew where I was, but he didn’t ask questions. I had something important to do. I had been hired as a photographer for a businessman who was sponsoring some sort of event. The hotel was nice and he gave us room and board. This hotel I’ve been in only once before, and it does not follow the laws of physics at all. Parks inside, daylight in some parts but night in others. The rooms lead “outside” or to malls, even on the fifth floor. The elevators are numerous and some can come out of their cubbies and get on a rollercoaster track and transform into seats or open boxes like a ferris wheel. Some of them only go to odd numbered floors or can switch what floors they’re going to. It’s total insanity in this tesseract hotel.

For some reason, my mother and three of my cousins were there. We got there and I did the photography, though I don’t recall any of it. The businessman invited us to stay in the hotel for a few days and take part in the other, smaller events he had planned, and if I took pictures I’d get paid accordingly. We thought it a fabulous deal and went to get my twin and my BGF too. There were some other people there already who I both know and don’t know IRL. In the meantime when we came back we were informed that we had been given a bigger suite.

While the others started moving all the stuff to the larger suite I explored the hotel. I ended up in a hallway that was completely white. There were two doors on the walls, and one at the end of the hallway. Above the door to my left was an observation window. In front of me were two women. They greeted me warmly and looked a little sad and tired. I don’t know how I knew they were goddesses, and I can identify one positively as Serket but I can’t positively ID the other one. Neither of them looked like Netjeru as one might expect them to look from historical depictions. I really like anime so my brain tends to render any spirit I meet into a sort of anime-ish form.

I asked them where Aset was. They seemed to think for a moment, but the door on the right opened and I saw Her. She smiled at me, love and pain on her face, and walked through the other door. I could see there were stairs behind it. A voice over the intercom caught my attention and I looked up to see two more women in the observation window. I don’t know who the second one was, but the first was Kali. She was marveling at herself in her anime-ish form and told me she appreciated how my mind had rendered her. She felt pretty, she felt…Serket finished the sentence: young? Yes, young. I was so confused, they sent me on my way, telling me that I’d be alright and things would become clear.

Through the door at the end of the hall was the hotel again. The hotel hall led me through an area patterned after Arabic and Indian architecture and design, including to a huge indoor pool, not more than 3 or 4 feet deep, with benches and such around it that led to the courtyard-like halls. A giant skylight lit the pool with sun, the rest of the room and halls lit by lights. Turning down one hall led me through a temple-like structure and then I came across a huge gathering of Jewish people in a great foyer having a combination party and education event. The new suite was on the other side of them.

Everyone was in the suite and cooking. Zolfyer was really taking charge of the kitchen, directing people on what to make and what to do and washing dishes and food came out of the oven and onto serving platters. My mom, sister and one cousin were baking, which isn’t surprising, while the other cousins, two of the random people and BGF were peeling potatoes and doing other things to help the cooking process while chatting. The businessman came in, happy to see the food and even helping to cook himself, as well as stepping, well, through the wall to his venue. I chatted a bit with everyone, including getting into a very strange conversation with one of the random people, my sister and cousin about licking melted icing off of the wall and doing the same with melted cotton candy. We have never done this, ever, but we said we did in the dream.

I then went to sit at the table with BGF and he was talking about religious things. We talk about spirits and the supernatural all the time because he has very strong spirit senses, way better than mine. I mentioned some of the weird things that had been going on, but the two randoms interrupted and talked about silly stuff and food. I started to feel very disconnected and floaty, like I was gonna drift off back into that hallway with the goddesses. BGF kept trying to get my attention to keep me there because he was worried I’d get swept off somewhere unsafe. Not to mention my mind needed to be there to work. Basically, can’t let my mind leave my body and go floating off places.

At one point I saw a skeleton-like spirit in front of me. Now that I’m going through this dream thoroughly I realize it was the same asshole who kidnapped the little girl. He told me that I needed to join him, I told him to fuck off. He said that i would be great with them and that he was gonna try and recruit my friend too, because they “needed another shapeshifter (referring to me) and another shadow mover (referring to BGF). He walked off saying he was going to try and snag my friend and email his bosses.

BGF eventually got up, tired of yelling over people at me, and touched my shoulder, startling me back to my body. He told me I needed to be here and not wandering and took me outside. Back through the Jews still having what looked like an awesome bar mitzvah or wedding reception and through the pool area and through a door that led to a nighttime parking lot. Never mind that we’re on the fourth floor and it’s daytime inside the pool area and mall and rest of the hotel. BGF talked with me for a bit about the hotel, the photography gig, and wtf was going on with the spirits of this place and why I was so ungrounded. I felt sleepy and actually laid down on the ground. I felt sharp pricks on my arms and yelled at him, wondering what he was doing. He had two ultra thin, golden needles with threads of energy in them. He was binding my spirit to my body, first by poking the shit out of me with those needles and then wrapping the threads around my limbs and torso individually and then all together.

When he was done we went back inside. I certainly felt stuck to myself, but not in a good way. I was cranky, in fact. We went back to the room (and through the pool and partying Jews) and the businessman was there. He invited me through the wall to his venue, which was still being set up.

The venue was nice, it was in a mall and spacious, with clothing racks nearby and plenty of display areas. Food was being set out and stands were being set up. Some were to sell things while others were for schools and still others were employers looking to hire. The mall led/turned into a park where framed photographs, all of them supposedly mine (some were actual photos I’ve taken but most weren’t) were set up along the path for people to view. I walked up and down the path, looking at the photos on both sides and talking with Zolfyer about this photography gig.

When we got back to the businessman he complimented us on the food and on the pictures along the walkway. He asked if I’d be willing to take pictures of the food and this event, for more money of course. He also complimented me on this random ass, yet awesome as shit, picture of a hoagie. I told him the truth, Z had taken that. I didn’t really answer him about the event but walked with him and Z to a round kiosk with clothes around it on racks and my mother nearby. Z said he’d help and we’d be willing to do the shoot, and the businessman complimented my mom, especially on the photo of her along the park path. He asked if I had taken it and, after confirming which one it was I told him yes.

Z then asked me for a favor, right as my mom asked me to go to the 2nd floor and pick up an item from someone. Now, I have no idea why I didn’t walk around like a normal person and do Z’s favor first, since he was closest and his favor was really small, but I didn’t and ended up heading towards an elevator to do my mom’s favor first.

When I got on the elevator I collapsed, the room spinning mercilessly. I could barely sit up even partially, I was so dizzy and weak. On top of that, the elevator was moving of its on accord and only had buttons 1, 3, 5 and S, but I was on floor 4 and needed to get to 2. It went all the way down to S and the buttons morphed to even numbers. I was terrified because the doors said ICE MAKING STORAGE, but when they opened it was the lobby (though the wall behind me opened up into a freezer but closed when other people got on). People got on, none of them helping me, but they did ask what floor I needed. The elevator then came out of its cubby into the lobby and started rolling down the hall, only without its top half. A man came to direct it and yelled to someone that they needed a cart for floor 2, the person was standing next to rollercoaster tracks and pulled a cart out. I dropped my purse out of fear and told the operator, he promised he’d get it to my room and pushed the elevator onto the cart and down the rollercoaster we went. It was scary, but I ended up at the 2nd floor.

I got whatever it was my mother had wanted and went back upstairs, through the pool area and the Jews and gave it to her. I was disappointed that Z no longer wanted his favor done (I’m weird, so don’t ask what it was) and then I woke up from my alarm.

Needs and Motivation

The nice thing about having friends is they give you ideas and a place to talk about them. Lately I’ve been suffering quite a bit. Depression, poor sleep and new medication on the physical side and scattered energy, doubt and confusion on the spiritual side. I’m trying to figure out what exactly I’m looking for in my religious life. I know I need to find more intrinsic motivation as well as extrinsic. However, the inner drive is more important to me actually getting things done. I also know I need a tighter relationship with deity. Doing research and following Shine has me realizing I need a deity relationship closer to what you find in Hinduism. I’m not sure how I’ll reach that.

Suggestions range from “stealing” ideas, ritual structure and the like from a living religion or taking the KO beginner class. I’d like to do both. However, I know I don’t want to be a Hindu. I don’t know why, I just know that it isn’t fully for me, although many of their goddesses call to me. The path isn’t quite the right fit, and I can’t abandon Kemeticism completely, nor can I just walk away from Anpu. Nonetheless, I still feel a pull I can’t explain, a yank I’ve had for a while, even before I left Christianity.

That’s another thing that’s been happening. Calls from goddesses. It’s been going since I started this pagan path, being drawn to various goddesses. I largely ignore it because I’m not interested in the path they’re connected to, and/or they scare me. Primarily it’s been other Netjer, but it’s also been Hindu goddesses. Kali in particular tends to show up in the forefront. She tends to give me the vibe of “come if you dare, I’d love to have you, just remember I will backhand you.”

Reaching out to these other goddesses has me in a bit of a pinch. I don’t want to get sidetracked or have another situation where they’re arguing with Anpu. It was bad enough with Aset. Yet, I’m sure they’d shake things up. I’m stagnating in my practice but I’m not sure how to fix it. All I’ve yet to do is sit down and say something to the Jackal about it. I plan to do that today, because this can’t go on. I need more.