I’m not sure what gods are talking to me or what They’re saying. I know Anpu is, something I appreciate, I just feel like He’s there, listening. Peering over my shoulder, poking or jabbing my brain over things, mainly not being a bitch during arguments. I feel like He was always there, listening and I was just too busy spinning myself in circles trying to go too fast and not thinking it through and going through my path at my pace. I wonder about Him sometimes, whether He’s always been there and I’ve just never noticed because I wasn’t supposed to. I was supposed to be Christian forever, but really there’s too much human interaction for me. Religion to me is about being with the divine. It is about Them, not us, except in our closeness and enjoyment of Them and Their presence, even if it’s just enjoying not being destroyed by Them. That’s how I see it, that’s my opinion on the matter. Spirituality is different, that’s your personal development and such. Such things can include the gods of course, but religion is rules and rituals, and is, at least to me, really about the deities.
I wonder about my path, whether I was always meant for this or if I was led here by Someone taking advantage of a coincidence or group of them. I’ve always had a powerful attachment to animals and wild things of all sorts, but especially dogs and wolves and various other canines. I always thought jackals were pretty cool and I love love love African Painted Dogs and their GIANT ROUND EARS. I never really had a connection to most of my heritage except Native American and an interest in Egypt that didn’t go super far because I didn’t really need it to. For heaven’s sake my spirit guide appears to me as an animal, usually a fox or wolf, because he knew that would be the easiest way to get my brain to pay attention to his presence. I’ve always wanted to be and still do want to be a werewolf, because then I could be one when I wanted. That’s how much I love wolves, and that’s been around since before I knew what werewolves were. My point here is that my love for wild animals is part and parcel of what led me to Kemetism.
You learn more about the Greek and Roman gods in school than any other pantheon. Most of my knowledge outside of Them is Hindu deities, and really I learned the absolute bare minimum, because it was the religion as a whole and the basis of the various beliefs and rituals that were important, not the many gods. Shucks, I didn’t learn that stuff until college. But, I really only heard of a very few Egyptian gods, Aset, Bast and Anpu mainly. I never liked the Greek gods (sorry guys) or at least the ones I knew about. I’d never heard of Hecate until last year-year before, but there’s just something about Them that disturbs and frightens me. Someone once mentioned that They’re pretty emotional, and They are if you look at Their myths, so that’s definitely part of it, but They just never interested me much. They really do just make me think “meh I don’t really want to be over there.” Hecate was the exception, but I’m still at the ten-foot pole mark. I know I’m kinda hopping through seemingly random topics, but everything does tie together, if only in a cursory way.
I started with what I knew, with the focus of looking for a deity who was connected to canids, preferably wolves, and was kind and patient and willing to kick my ass in gear. Hecate was the only one to really fit that bill of the Greek pantheon, but I just didn’t really feel connected to Her. I was curious sure, but not really in a way that said, hey let me go poke Her. I did consider it, but kept searching instead. I wondered about the Egyptian gods after I gave up trying to be anything close to Wiccan, and while searching for information of Christian witchcraft and different, heretical forms of Christianity that would meld with what I needed my beliefs to be, I found The Cauldron. It was all downhill from there, because I discovered there was, in fact, a real religion that focused on the Egyptian gods that wasn’t Wicca based.
That was a major relief and I immediately started researching this religion. I pestered everyone on The Cauldron for book suggestions and information and websites and started the hunt for who I wanted to be with me on my path. I went straight for the “canids” and “felines” because I had little interest in the others. Several people chased after me saying I didn’t need to go god-hunting right away, something I appreciated, because I was looking rather hard, but They were the entire reason I went searching for a new path. Kemetism’s morals are really close to Christianity, and I very much enjoyed the worldview and various creation myths of the religion, so there was only one thing left I wanted. I found several right away who I liked, Djehuty, Anpu and Wepwawet as anyone who read my other blog might know. Oh I thought They were awesome, especially when I found out, to my intense delight, that Anpu was not anything like the Mummy movies made Him out to be. I never enjoyed those movies to a great extent, it made the Egyptians look crazy and I’ve always liked Anpu. I thought it was cool that He had a jackal head and could turn into a jackal. Then to find out He’s pretty chill and is a super important guardian and healer and likes the living as much as the dead? Totes awesome sauce ya know? I like healing people and I’m not afraid of death (the actual act of dying however, is another story).
Now, Djehuty is still one of my favorites, but He gives off a very intense vibe that reminds me of my grandfather combined with my great-grandmother plus a favorite teacher. I don’t want to bother Him, He’s very busy learning new stuff and imparting the knowledge upon the world. I always get that feeling when I approach Him for a hi or a hug. He doesn’t push me away per se, but you can feel that He’s ready to go back to what He was doing. Wepwawet, I think, likes me, but isn’t interested in a long-term relationship. He feels more like the brother who is ready to give jokes and advice and then walk away without necessarily helping. That’s about right, it explains why He laughs a lot XD He’s not usually in my head or heart, but He pops into my brain now and then, to say hi or be available for a request, or perhaps to interject some humor in a situation. Anpu really is the one I regularly feel there, I think He’s here to stay, which actually pleases me greatly.
I feel like Sekhmet is on a similar wavelength as Wepwawet. She’s willing to be there, stop in and say hi, but she’s not really interested in me. More like a “aren’t you sweet? Thanks for the candy, I hear you’re becoming friends with one of my daughters? You seem pleasant, hi Anpu how are you?” She seems to be here more because I asked Her and She’s having pleasant conversation with the two Jackals who talk above my head. I’m almost certain that’s the case now that I’ve written it. I’m glad She’s at least nice to me ^^; She thinks I’m cute I guess, and is a lot like Wepwawet in interaction. She interjects, but otherwise runs around in the background at the edge of my brain and awareness, doing other things, plotting nefarious things to make my life better or something that in the long run isn’t harmful lol.
Nonetheless, we’re back to Anpu. He’s there, watching over me, nearby but not super close. I’m still not sure of myself yet and how I’m supposed to feel and what I’m supposed to do and how we’re supposed to interact and whether I’m doing the right thing or if I’m actually even hearing and interacting with Him. Either He’s giving me space or I’m forcing the space on Him out of anxiety. It’s tricky business and being poorly trained in interacting with the Divine on such a personal level I’m still stumbling around and hoping the arm I’m reaching for is really His. I don’t want to be wrong, I feel He’s really interested and I am too. I try too hard and worry too much, and have anxiety problems to boot, so my only confirmation is that when I feel the niggles in my heart and head it’s not a harmful one. He starts to poke when I’m about to say something unnecessary or mean during an argument, He made me feel better when I asked (stomach upsetness, no clue what from, but hey, I feel better :D), and I just know He’s there. This is what I was looking for, but I can’t help but be nervous, because I still have no idea what I’m really doing.
I feel better knowing I’m not alone in this situation. Even people who have gods who are typically characterized as “loud” have problems or doubts with hearing Them or with first meeting and listening for Them. It’s important to remember that not everything is a hallucination just because I’m eager and obsessive and that things aren’t quiet because He’s not there or I just suck. I’m really glad I wrote this post. I’m also very happy I chose this path, even if it started with the search for the animals I love in the gods I wanted.