Starting Thoughts: Why

Whenever anyone starts a new relationship with a god, there’s always the question of Why. Why do you want to interact with them? What are you looking for?

For a lot of folks at least one reason is “they won’t leave”.

Not always a bad thing, but ya know, they won’t leave.

Kali won’t leave. I’m not complaining, and it’s not a bad thing. She isnt pestering me, harassing me, or anything like that. She’s just *there*.

I should have asked myself Why when I left Christianity a lot more in depth than I did. But it was 2012, I was barely 20, what did I really know? My reasons for getting into kemeticism were fairly childish, but luckily Anubis is not a jerk and took me in. I know I mentioned recently that he firmly and clearly said “I will not answer you until you clear with Kali”.

Fairly reasonable response, and I had inklings such a thing was coming.

So, now I’m asking Why.

With kemeticism I liked the sound of it. I liked the basic tenets and ideas that most practitioners agree on. I was curious and interested in the gods. I didn’t really like much else, and I didnt have enough knowledge of Hinduism or research skills at the time. Honestly I didn’t think I belonged in Hinduism or had any right to look into it. Too much white people b.s. and I didn’t want to be that person adding in to it.

Anubis was an “easy” choice. Every devotee I talked to said he was friendly and accommodating, though quiet. Besides, jackals!

I am suddenly reminded of a quote from a new age-y book I had on psychic abilities, the author was describing a friend who couldn’t hear her spirit guide, and the guide said she was too busy with her nose to the ground looking to actually hear. Apt.

As I said, my reasons for kemeticism were not particularly mature or thoughtful. Meanwhile, there was Kali literally everywhere. She dominated my Facebook for over a year, coming from all sorts of people, even on my deviantart and twitter. It was baffling to me at the time. What could such a scary goddess want from little me?

She’s no longer so blatantly obvious, but she is always there. Finally caving and doing research last year and this year has revealed a lot about her nature. It’s a reversal of my insight into Anubis, whose soft side I saw first and ferocious side i saw later. To be fair though, I only knew of Kali’s ferocious side and that’s why she appeared that way.

This is where I say that part of the reason I’m interacting with her is cuz she won’t leave. I’m not complaining, I am seeing her nature and trying to make sense of it. She has yet to fully answer why she’s stuck around or been so patient (or maybe im just dense), so I want to know.

I am a selfish human though. I want a god I can trust. Not that I didn’t trust Anubis, but I had no guarantee that he would be available or could do anything. I guess that could be due to interference, but still, sometimes he just wasn’t there.

I want a god I can ask for help from and be reasonably sure I’ll at least get a yes/no/maybe/wait.

I want a Faith that has some clarity and structure to it. Kemeticism is great but i am not the most self driven person. I have mental illness and chronic illness and a toddler and husband and household. I dont have the spoons or desire to make up my own rituals or do intense research to build reconstructionist ones.

I’m tired, I am tired and I need help and I need love. I didnt get that from Christianity, as desperately as I tried. On heaven and hell I swear I tried. All I got was shame, manipulation and abuse. All I got was being told I wasn’t good enough, pure enough, humble enough. Not once did that god reach out to ease my pain, to speak to my mind or heart, nor did he use any church member or family member, nor any other adults whose job it was to try and help or protect me.

I spent years suffering under brutality and emotional and physical violence. I cannot, I cannot, I cannot.

So, my Why, is that I am lonely and longing for what Christianity failed to give me. A God that cares, that cares about my pain and sorrow and is big enough to do something about it. Who will cut away the wretchedness that dogs me and comfort me, but will also help me grow with compassion and grace.

I think back and wonder about things. Kali always came up when looking at Hinduism, and maybe I’m just imagining it, but I kinda see why people finally find their Mother or Father and go yeah, you were always around weren’t you?

Anubis was kind and looked after me for a while, and I appreciate that and he’ll always have a place on my shrine. I think though, it’s time I go where I belong. New Journey, woohoo

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Fallen, Like Leaves

Three weeks ago, I had a dream. It wasn’t even a whole dream, a short vision I guess. A flash of Kali’s face, of fangs and a devil-grin. The kind you seen in manga and anime.

Devour your enemies.

Swallow them whole.

I am with you.

Crush and destroy and dance on their bones.

She didn’t precisely say this to me. Just a feeling I get whenever I remember the flash of her face, of her blue skin and black hair and teeth that crush demons and mortal alike. I’ve told her straight up. She scares me. I’m sick and poor. I don’t want to start anything I can’t maintain, and I’m having a hard time finding reliable sources for how to worship her. I don’t have a lot of energy, I have no spare money, and the reliable sources I can find all spell out labor intensive things that need a dedicated space. I also have a toddler, and so any space would need to be above her reach.

I’m having a very hard time. About 10 days after that dream, I had a big flare of my symptoms. It lasted more than a week, I missed four days of work, I even went to the ER. That was more for having an excuse than anything. They treated me incredibly well there, which was a plus, especially considering I’ve been treated poorly at any ER I’ve visited for my neurological symptoms. I even got a whole spine MRI. Not that they found anything, that would’ve been too easy.

So I still have no answers, and these symptoms are lingering. My beloved Zolfyer (I know, he’s never on wordpress anymore) is trying to remind me that I’ve recovered my functioning from big flares like this before. I just, I have a feeling that this may not be the same as those other times. I’m trying to hold out hope, but it’s hard.

Honestly, I’ve been going through waves of despair recently regarding my health and my religio-spiritual practice. Especially this week. See, my job is in jeopardy right now, and we can’t afford for me to not work. I haven’t been employed long enough to get FMLA, which I need to protect my job from being lost due to attendance (since it’s hard to go to work when you can’t walk) and they are giving me a hard time about disability accommodations.

I was just reading Satsekhem’s recent post Stasis and I just relate so much. It’s literally everything I’ve been feeling spiritually. Dead, stuck, hopeless, helpless. I’m not sure where to go next, and I no longer believe kemeticism is the path I need. I still love the netjer, very much. They helped me and looked out for me a lot, but, and I’m sure somebody will tell me it’s not about me, but them, that worship isn’t supposed to have strings attached, but I need my gods to help me more. No matter what, it’s hard to focus on them, and do for them, and pay attention to them, when my physical survival is being threatened. When my mental health is trashed and I have to look out not just for my physical and mental well-being, but that of my child and my fiancé.

Right now I just feel like my life is a shitstorm. Every time even the smallest thing goes right, it’s followed by a cascade of bullshit. If Kali can actually do something about it, I won’t reject her, much as she makes me anxious. I know, somewhere, that she wants me to learn to stand strong and that it’s ok to rage and thrash as long as you eventually stop. I have spent my entire life being told that it’s wrong to get angry, to have a strong opinion, to push back and “be disrespectful”. I’ve been forced to swallow my resentment, my fears, my anger, my dignity. I’ve been labelled arrogant and told that I don’t know everything that constantly accused of thinking someone is stupid or beneath me. I’ve been forced to do things I didn’t want to, or that I wasn’t ready for, chased with rage that I would dare ask for a break or a rest because “it’s for my own good”.

I thought my dream of her was about work, and to some degree it is, but I am starting, only just now, to realize that it’s about more than that too. I’m not ready for that, because that’s a backlash I can’t handle right now and I still need that person’s help. Those of you who follow me on other media or have been with this blog for a while can make a good guess at who I’m referring to. It’s frustrating.

I feel like a stepped on leaf. Shredded and beat up and tired. Dirty and dead and losing color. I don’t know what to do anymore. If I lose my job, what will I do? “Look for another one” is obvious, but do you have any idea how hard it is to be disabled and look for work? Especially when your disability seriously affects your attendance? Like, if I didn’t have to go down six flights of steps and walk to the bus, it would be fine, but my apartment complex is the opposite of accessible. There’s steps to a landing, to a step, to the front door. Then, you have to go down steps or up steps (in my case I live on the top floor, the third floor) to get to any apartments. It is not possible for them to retrofit these buildings, and none of the buildings are accessible. I don’t even know what kind of work to look into. My resume is all patient care. I can’t run after a kid with special needs, I can’t work easily as a medical assistant, and that’s all my resume is. That is my entire work history outside of some retail experience, and it will be a cold day in hell before I do that again.

I’m surrounded by darkness, but I guess I should learn how to navigate the dark and take shelter in it. At least, if her behavior is any indication, Kali is with me.

Devour your enemies.

Swallow them whole.

I am with you.

Crush and destroy and dance on their bones.

In Which I Ramble and Make No Particular Point

Let’s get the normal stuff out of the way first. My kid is finally eating solids, though I’ll admit it’s not much, but she’s actually trying foods and eating them. She still nurses entirely too much and I know she’s bored but I’m much better at entertaining older kids. Being a parent is tough for weird reasons. I was in physical therapy for eight weeks and it actually helped, and then they discharged me and so now I have to self-motivate to do my exercises at home. I haven’t done any. In the meantime, I’ve got an appointment to see an ophthalmologist and my ears are being weird. I’ve had problems with both ears, but the right ear in particular, feeling stuffed and painful for a while, but lately I’ve felt like I have trouble hearing sometimes. I’ve also got to make appointments to get some imaging done: MRI of lumbar spine, ultrasound of thyroid, and I need to visit the Dizziness and Balance Center because ten years of dizziness deserves its own specialist apparently.

Moving on.

I’ve always had this issue of wondering if I’m daydreaming or astral-ing. When I was a kid it didn’t really matter, but it’s like, where is the line? (Trick question, there is no spoon)

I wondered about it specifically this evening because sometimes my “daydreams” change rather abruptly and can sometimes go someplace entirely different than where I was directing it. It often connects to some of the work I’m puzzling out Over There and today’s redirect connects possibly to a fuzzy dream that I can’t remember nearly enough of. I was also discussing this with a friend and my assertion that my writing is supposed to help me with my work Over There somehow. I had an idea today but I’m not sure where that will go. Mostly it’s to deliberately write what is happening in the astral. Give it more direction than what I can typically accomplish in dreams. Perhaps trancework or meditation or something.

The other thoughts I’ve been having lately revolve around Kali. Honestly this whole thing with her is causing me stress. She’s from an entirely different culture, and that culture, the people who created it and live it, and She herself, deserve the respect of me adhering to it. The culture is so big though, and I am sick and lazy and exhausted. I can’t even worship the netjeru properly. I want to. I want to worship her and Anpu and Aset properly. It makes me sad. I feel like I can’t even try, like there’s no point. I feel like I shouldn’t even ask Her for anything.

Being sick sucks. Capitalism sucks. I spend half my day working to come home and have four hours with my kid, where I struggle to give her attention and entertainment because I’m worn, and struggle to see my physicians. And I still have to feed everyone and clean (my bathroom is disgusting and you only can’t tell because the tub is pink) and go to bed. Thank the gods Zolfyer is not a chump and cooks and cleans.

Back on topic, I know that a lot of astral work tends to start with self improvement. TheTwistedRope is currently going through therapy and that has popped up in my head multiple times recently. I don’t know what I’m going to do about that. I can’t afford therapy, I can’t afford another specialist. It’s 35$ per visit to see my specialists. I spent almost $200 in November and October on specialists. I’m spending another 35 next week. I also just don’t want to. I make jokes out of it, of having All the Specialists. I use it to empathize with patients at work and let them know “hey, it’s ok, it sucks but you’re not alone”, but I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I despise it.

I lose my mind a little. I saw a post on tumblr today that was entirely too real. A relatable post about psychosis, or something. Too many “lol yeah” reactions. And another one after that. Now, to be fair, I have a lot of friends on tumblr who suffer from dissociation and psychosis (I myself had derealization and dissociative episodes in severe depression), but it just….ironically makes me paranoid.

I know some people who have essentially done some “therapy” with their gods and I get the feeling that’s the angle one of Them (or all of Them, those three have always pushed shadow work) is going for. I know for a fact that my spiritwork is about healing, specifically healing Dapper (he’s got enough strength back to run around thank the gods), partially since he’s right in front of me. Learning to heal others tends to require healing yourself, or at least knowing where you’re broken and how you break, and I know that from watching Ekunyi do her fantastic work as a counselor.

Winter always drags up the ghastly creature of depression. It hasn’t got a full hold on me, but oh how it loves to jump up and bite me. I know that I’ve still got unhealed trauma, though part of that is I still have it inflicted on me. Being sick is a trauma in itself. I’ve never been the pinnacle of health, the epitome of stamina and whatnot, but man I miss my body from before high school. I never wept for my youth, slapped and punched and verbally poisoned out of me. Parts of my brain are still stuck there, still run away, or lash out viciously, at least in my head and behind closed doors.

My body is driving me nuts this year. Having doctors continuously tell you “I can’t find anything.” “Your tests are normal.” “I don’t know what’s wrong” (and those are the kind ones, the ones with compassion and bedside manner, rather than the ones who deliberately tell you, through your chart or implied, that you’re crazy and nothing’s wrong) makes you doubt. God and goddesses above I wonder every day if I’m just doing this to myself. Is it for attention? Would everything get better if I got therapy? Surely that’s cheaper than seeing five specialists. What am I going to do if the next test is normal too? Why can’t anybody find anything? Why isn’t any of this working?

I had two tests recently looking for vitamin deficiencies. One came back normal and the other came back low. So I’m getting treated for the low one. I desperately wished for the other one to be low too. It’s easy to treat these. It would make most of my problems go away. I’m not getting any better even treating the one. I’m crushed. I really am. Do you know how easy it is to treat a vitamin B deficiency? I could do it myself, or ask my coworker. But I’m not deficient in that, only in vitamin D, and that just requires a once a week supplement for 8 weeks, followed by a regular supplement. My life with my health has never been that easy though.

I know it’s normal, but in so many things I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where to go, or what to do, or how. I see myself getting pushed to go back to school for social work, but honestly how? I cannot quit my job for school, I barely see my kid as it is and I am sick and fatigued. I often stay up entirely too late so I can spend some quiet time with Z, if only to watch some tv or listen to him rant at his games with his friends. (I find it comforting and mildly amusing most days, though sometimes I wish he’d stop playing sooner so he wouldn’t get so worked up)

I wonder sometimes, if I could just will myself better. Rheumatologist thinks I have fibromyalgia, but that doesn’t explain everything, but my neurologist can’t find anything either. I’m tired of looking, but I know average diagnosis time is 10 years for most chronic diseases. It’s only been three. It’s disheartening. I find myself hoping my gods forgive my weakness and negligence and comfort me. I don’t feel worthy of it, so I often don’t ask. I wonder what’s the point sometimes. I feel like I’m walking in darkness sometimes. I guess that’s why my daydreams are so often about a traumatized person getting pampered and loved by someone with unending patience.

I know Z would do the same, but I’ve never been very good at communicating what I need or am looking for. He’s not a mind reader. Although apparently he’s getting very good at hearing when I’m thinking! Maybe he’ll be a mindreader in another eight years!

I’m going to bed now, I’ve rambled enough and only partially got my ideas for astral crap out of my head. I used to be good at this writing thing, but lately I feel like my brain is full of heavy darkness, semi solid and hungry for my words. It makes me feel stupid and looney. Guess I am depressed after all.

Frustration

I’m very frustrated right now. My health is back and forth rather constantly the last month. I’m not even sure what it could be anymore, although currently MS fits the bill best. Sometimes though, I do wonder if it’s all in my head. Is that such a bad thing? No, not necessarily, but if it isn’t and I ignore it, well that’s a bad thing. My symptoms mostly just don’t add up, or they wax and wane so erratically that I can’t necessarily make heads or tails of them. What’s important? What’s just random? Will this particular symptom stay? Is this a product of insomnia, or albuterol, heat or just because I’m thinking about it? For example, increased heart rate, blood pressure and trembling, albuterol side effects that I’ve had before and readily recognize. Sometimes though, they’re there anyway, even though I haven’t used my inhaler or had any caffeine. Even then, my shaking isn’t usually this bad unless I used my nebulizer, and I haven’t used that thing in literally two years. It actually needs to be replaced. So why is it so much more intense lately? I don’t know.

Then there’s this whole religion thing. I’ve been too tired or sick lately to really get much of anything from anyone. I wish it would rain, I’ve been having a hell of a lot more clarity and calm when it’s rained ever since I started trying to connect more with the weather and water as a whole. I’m also reminding myself that one can be Kemetic without the gods, not that I necessarily want to be godless. I’ve spent several mornings greeting Heqat and Qebechet, because why not? One is my good friend’s “grandmother” and the other is one I’ve always been interested in. Maybe I’ll just surround myself with ladies, because I also thought of Serket. It makes me think of an old dream where four or five goddesses were watching me walk through a corridor. They were observing me like scientists, but also guiding me.

Earlier in the month, I had a dream about carnelian beads, a prayer necklace with a pendulum at the end. I have no idea what the thing as a whole means, but certainly not with the pendulum. I own a pendulum, but it’s quartz, not copper or gold (could have been bronze, it was yellow-y and metal, I dunno) like the dream necklace. There were also statues of a fox, wolf and Anpu. His statue wasn’t the focus, and it was above my head, something important to me because, as a short person, I’m more likely to look down for something than up. I often find things on a lower shelf than taller people and look under things first. They often see things over my head. Basically, it means he’s staying out of the way, where I won’t see him. I only just now thought of this because I was remembering grocery shopping this weekend and completely missing things I was looking for because they were on a top shelf. The fox and wolf statues though, they were just above eye level, where I frequently look for things. They were warped, but the fox was smiling. Zolfyer’s fox promised me help if I was her liaison to him. I haven’t taken her up on the offer.

I honestly feel more receptivity from the goddesses. Perhaps I needed to go through all this frustration and such. I dunno, but this morning I reached out and got Aset. Quite clearly at that. Really, I was poking at Anpu, asking what was I supposed to do now, was I supposed to move on, are you listening? I kinda blew it off, wondering if anyone would listen to me. Low and behold, a familiar feeling, and then Aset. “I’ll listen to you.” Devo made a suggestion when I told her about my dream with the prayer beads/pendulum (which also included my mother telling me she had the same beads, showing me the carnelian string that was twice as long as my actual prayer beads) that I sit with them and see what impressions I get. I haven’t really had the energy or concentration, and I’ll admit that I was rather jaded and ticked off too, but recently I did and I couldn’t quite figure out who or what it was. It felt familiar, and definitely feminine, insistent too, but at the time I was very distracted and exhausted. So, who knows. Another dream comes to mind, a scene of Aset arguing with Anpu about his plans and walking away crying. Perhaps she was upset at his plan to teach me to be self-reliant and look for what I really want and what can genuinely work for me, even if it’s hard and annoying and incredibly frustrating. Even if it makes me feel abandoned.

So many perhaps’ and possibilities. So much frustration.

Today

I’ve been wondering what I’d write about all day today. I came up with a few poem stanzas, but they aren’t really fitting. Today was a frustrating day. First there was SEPTA fucking up my transaction, so I have no transpass and now have to go through a lengthy process with the bank to get my money back. This also means that until that time we’ll be spending money we don’t have to get me a transpass. Then there is Zolfyer feeling sick. He’s been feeling unwell for several days and it’s possible that it’s an extended allergic reaction to onions. Yeah, he’s got weird allergies, but luckily it isn’t anaphylaxis level allergic, although this is probably the worst reaction (persistent coughing, sore throat, headache and fatigue, losing his voice) yet. We’re likely going to have to start looking out for onion stuff more, since most of his symptoms were throat related. The other thing that’s happened is that Z has been on vacation all week and hasn’t gotten to enjoy a single day of it. First there was the bullshit with Cousin and Fiancee, then two days of us cleaning our house and shopping for new furniture, and family members unexpectedly calling on us for emergencies. He was going to sleep in and enjoy his last day of vacation, but lo and behold, I’m forced to ask him for a ride to school since I can’t get my transpass because inept SEPTA workers.

The only really nice thing that happened today was that our friend had her baby today. She is so precious. (And BGF is over and one of our younger card playing friends too)

I didn’t really enjoy class today. I wasn’t against it or anything, it just wasn’t entirely enjoyable. My class made it clear that my opinions would be minority as far as feminist ideology goes (and non-MD medical programs are always overwhelmingly female), because the way class discussion was going just ended up showing who felt what. Further, my teacher really only reinforced it and it’s obvious that she and the majority of my class is Christian and at least mildly conservative. Yeah, so it’s just one of those “how much do I feel like engaging with or arguing with these people.” The info was good though, learning about laws and such like HIPAA and OSHA is tomorrow.

I mean, nobody antagonized me, and I didn’t antagonize anyone, but oh I wanted to challenge everybody. I’m also extremely angry that my teacher described drainage and curettage abortion in detail without explaining that most abortions are not that type and that they only happen for second trimester abortions. And also that New York no longer does third trimester abortions except for extreme circumstances. It’s disingenuous and just cements my classmates’ opposition to it. Although she was equally graphic in explaining back alley abortions and that she supports legal abortions to keep women from having back alley ones.

Then there was her conversation about same-sex marriage and how she’s scared for the children because it’s such a confusing time for them and blah blah “it was written that you wouldn’t be able to tell male from female”. It made class very uncomfortable and I feel like she assumes I’m Christian because I did not claim atheism or agnosticism when she asked the class. Whether it’s worth it to find a way to bring up that I’m not is another story. I don’t know.

This afternoon I had this distinct feeling that I should be doing something. It is related to BGF, which is weird, because I almost never have intuitive senses about him, not like this. Usually it’s that something is bothering him, or whathaveyou.

I had a strange dream during my nap. A lot of stuff happened, but near the end I found myself on a stage. I wasn’t alone or anything, and Zolfyer and Sister came to the performance. It was just as much me singing as it was helping with the behind-the-scenes production. I was apparently friends with an actor-dancer, and I was helping with an ice-skating musical. He was telling me about how he used to only dance, then he acted for so long he forgot how, and then he went back to dancing and gained it back, and in fact was better at it once he got back to where he used to be. There was also helping someone get away from a murderous, abusive guy, including consideration of murder to keep him back. Don’t ask me.

But yeah, my day today.

You know, I realize that I’ve been having dreams lately about returning. (Then there was a dream about wishing on a star with Z, asking to be healthy and happy in our relationship and life and then every second after that was people telling us it wasn’t working and I should get a girlfriend. I don’t even, because I’m not the least bit dissatisfied with our relationship) Most especially returning to Christianity. It’s very irritating because I have much different views on that religion now, and I left it for good reasons. It makes me wonder if I need to tell people to stop praying for me, because, although unlikely, I imagine it’s possible for me to get cockblocked by other gods.

Speculation. I dunno.

MoWD-Beginning and Forgiveness

I’ve talked about my beginning with Anpu many times. In fact, I’ve referenced it just in this project lol I’m not really sure what else to say. He lets me pester him, and he rarely gets enraged at my fickle nature. I imagine he is aware that my behavior is primarily a function of intense anxiety, depression and paranoia. There’s a lot of forgiveness inherent in our relationship. I don’t know why, I’m just glad it’s there, otherwise I’d have needed a new god a long time ago. Perhaps this is why I’ve still stuck with him despite how often I talk about reaching out to a different god or something. In the end, I need that calm, that forgiveness. The necessary quiet and control required to hear him is difficult for me to achieve, but that is something I need to learn. I do wonder when he’ll push me along though, but I’m hardly in a rush, though I probably should be. Who knows.

Zep Tepi is Coming, and I’m Bringing It

Right now I’m sitting next to my Anubis statue, thinking about lunch. Earlier had this strange desire to bring it out of my room to hang out in the living room. I know it seems strange to be out here considering my post the other day. However, I am actually completely alone in my home right now. I am delighted at how much better my house feels, and I haven’t done more than the dishes and clean the bathtub.

So, I’m sure you’re all wondering what happened. Today Zolfyer is going to a tournament. This was planned two weeks ago, so whatever. Technically Cousin was supposed to go, he even got off work. Then he and I argued and Cousin found out that he wasn’t able to take Fiancee with him (his reasoning was he wouldn’t get to spend a lot of time with her next week because of work, everyone going was like, we need room for a person who is actually going to play and not be a distraction because pregnant people get exhausted really fast and have a lot of needs, so it isn’t a good idea to bring her out to New York for a late day trip) and decided not to go. He claimed he didn’t know about them only taking one car, even though Zolfyer most definitely told him that our car Maxwell was not going out to New York. Either way, he didn’t ask clarifying questions up until the night I argued with him, and he outright refused to ask our friend, who is the one driving (and also the one he was rude to last night) any questions. Like whether Fiancee could come.

To clarify about last night, Cousin and Fiancee decided that acting as if no one else existed was a good course of action. Whatever, Zolfyer was at work half the day and I was asleep for a good portion because my sleep schedule is whack. However, we had two friends come over, T and S. Now, they don’t really know S, Cousin has met her maybe twice. T, however, is their friend too, and is the leader of our Cardfight! Vanguard team. Further, he’s done them a lot of favors in respect to that team. Card games can get pretty expensive, and T went out of his way to try and include Cousin in the team and make sure the other team members treated him and Fiancee with respect. Apparently Fiancee doesn’t actually like him, T can be a little callous and he is very straightforward. He’s still very caring, he’s just an asshole about it. Z and I have other friends like him, so it’s not really a big deal to us, especially if you tell him you’re not cool with something, he usually changes his behavior and/or apologizes. This is another example of how communication could save Fiancee and Cousin a lot of trouble, but they choose not to. Anyway, T comes in and, not really aware of the tension of the house because of the argument, tries to talk to Cousin and Fiancee. Cousin says literally three words to him and otherwise ignores him for his computer game. (Notice how they’re perfectly content to use our internet while completely ignoring us) Fiancee says nothing. They say two words to S.

Now, logically, this is unacceptable behavior. You don’t treat guests like that! You don’t treat a friend like that! Especially when they have no idea and nothing to do with whatever reason you’ve got a foul attitude. You certainly don’t act that way to someone else’s guests, certainly not while a guest in someone else’s house. We didn’t want to slap that hornet’s nest while our guests were here, because we wanted to hang out with them. Cousin and Fiancee did not interact with any of us for the entire night. Not so much as a “god bless you” for a sneeze was given, although Fiancee did say excuse me to our cat.

You read that right. She excused herself to the cat, but couldn’t say hi to our guests or even bless their sneezes, much less mine. They did talk to each other, and Cousin, still on his game, on our internet, was happily yammering to his online friends. He said three words to Zolfyer, “Adrian says hi”. Otherwise he’d have gone completely without speaking to us for day two. Adrian is Zolfyer’s friend first, so Cousin couldn’t avoid passing the message without betraying his petty motives. We decided it wasn’t worth it to pester them after our guests left. Z needed to sleep because he had to get up early, so we left it for today.

Now to really explain why I’m home alone.

Let me give you a little understanding of how my house works. How I work as well. I’m paranoid. I am aware of this, I am honest about it, I tell people as much. I am a small woman, at this point in my life, partially disabled. Safety is a huge priority for me, if only because I get a lot of intrusive thoughts of danger and assault. This means I have some rules related to that. Close the windows at night, draw the blinds, leave at least one light on at night if we’re going out and lock my door. This might seem like a given, but you’d be amazed at how many people don’t lock their doors, or how often I end up fussing at a guest because they didn’t lock the door behind them.

I check the door at least once per day, regardless of whether or not I can clearly see that both the deadbolt and the doorknob are locked, regardless of whether or not I was the one who locked it, or if I just watched someone lock it. In fact, I often check the locks immediately after a person that isn’t me or Z locks it. It’s a big deal to me. You know which of my friends sees me the most by who either gets out of my way so I can lock it, or double checks the door is locked behind them before I even get to the door. I demand that my door is locked properly at all times.

Cousin had a hard time with this when they first got here. In Georgia, he and his roommates didn’t lock their front door. Look, I can understand that it’s a house of boys in a small town in Georgia, but come on, there were still neighbors and they didn’t know any of them. The entire first month you heard me every single day asking why my door wasn’t locked, or me commanding him to lock my damn door. It wasn’t unreasonable, though I probably could have been nicer about it, I’ll admit. However, to me it is a carelessness that can get us hurt or robbed. Lock my fucking door.

This leads to a very important rule: Tell us when you’re leaving. They don’t have a key, which means they can’t get in unless someone is home, and they can’t lock the deadbolt. Since they lost their car early on, they don’t have a key, and they don’t know my city, it’s for their safety and my peace of mind to know when they’re leaving, where they’re going and how long they’ll be out. At the very least it means we have a direction to go in if something were to happen to them while out. It also makes sure my fucking door is locked. Considering I have a wacky sleep schedule, this is especially important when I’m asleep and they’re going somewhere. I need to be alerted that the house is about to be empty so that I can LOCK MY DOOR. Being unaware that I’ve been left alone, especially with an improperly locked door, is very scary for me. Just like how I nearly throttled my cat because she somehow kicked one of the window screens out, giving me a rush of panic that she might have gotten out and could be lost, and that someone might have broken in while I was out. I was extra angry when I came in to hear her meowing an “I didn’t do it!” But also extremely relieved because she was safe, all our stuff was safe and she hadn’t damaged the screen. It only occurred to me after I’d taken a deep breath that the door had been properly locked and no idiot would burglarize a home in broad daylight and not at least leave through the front door instead of the tiny ass window only a toddler can fit through.

This leads to this morning, with Zolfyer getting up at 7 to get dressed. He wanted to get his hair cut (he was pretty scruffy, and he doesn’t shave so he gets his goatee shaped up at the barber) before meeting up with T so that they could head to this tournament in New York. Now, I had planned to either confront them about their behavior or force them to visit someone anyway, but I wasn’t expecting Z to come in incredulous and pissed off before 7:30.

You see, Cousin and Fiancee heard him get up. I assume they were awake already or something, since the living room was straightened up (though not enough, since they still left a dirty napkin, a piece of plastic and crumbs all over the table, while their laptop took up space) when Z went out there. They heard him get up and as soon as he went back in our room to get dressed they dashed into the bathroom and rushed to get out of the house before he left the bedroom. Yep, they were that desperate to avoid any interaction with us whatsoever. In fact, I had to feed THEIR ferrets and give them water, because they hadn’t done that in their rush to avoid us.

That in itself made me mad, but I didn’t know about that at first. No, I was more angry, and am still more angry, that they had acted so immaturely over these past two days, and were being so petulant and passive-aggressive that they dashed out of the house. Violating my two most important rules. Z hypothesizes that they assumed, since he was up and would be leaving soon (not that they knew what time he planned to leave, so what does that say about how determined they were to treat us with contempt) that they didn’t need to lock the door or tell us they were leaving so that he’d come lock it.

Except that isn’t what the rules are. The rules are, you must tell someone when you are leaving, regardless of whether they are leaving shortly after you or are awake. This way they can lock the door after you and know that you’re gone and where you’re going. These rules have been in place since they got here. In addition, they’ve been flaunting other rules we set for them, such as clean up the livingroom every day, especially putting the air mattress down and folding your shit up when you choose to sleep on the couch instead. We also asked them to get off the internet at 3am (technically to turn off all electronics, but really we meant get off the internet since that’s primarily what they do), which Cousin doesn’t adhere to, which I wasn’t aware of otherwise I’d have made a big deal about it.

We also had to throw out three sets of tupperware because they make food for Fiancee and then she doesn’t eat it all or throw it out. I didn’t see them all the way in the back of the fridge (and was confused why we were missing tupperware, but we lose them all the time so I didn’t think anything of it) until I saw something weird while putting groceries away. Low and behold moldy food. Her moldy food, because it wasn’t anything I had made for dinner.

I’m tired of them acting like our rules are optional. Like they have an equal stake here and have the ability or luxury to treat us poorly and with contempt. I’m tired of them not caring about our space and our needs and the fact that we get to dictate what is and isn’t appropriate behavior because by Anpu’s fangs this is our fucking house. Our name is on the lease. We allowed you in here. I ALLOWED YOU IN HERE. If I had told Z no, they’d still be in Georgia, stuck hardcore. Yet I’m always the bad guy, shoving my words down their throats, making them miserable and scared to speak up, attacking Cousin for no reason. Always making everything he says a problem. Yet they can’t even follow some simple rules or even clean up after themselves consistently. They can’t respect Z and what he does for them, or his hard work to provide for everyone.

I had to pick up a dead roach a few days ago. Z and I are very clean people. There were two dirty bowls on the coffee table and all four glasses were out of the cabinet, only one in the sink. Crumbs from food everywhere. We tell them to clean up after themselves. To not leave food out. To put their dishes in the sink before they go to sleep. The day before the roach they had pizza and I told them to put their crusts in the garbage and plates in the sink. I come out the next day, at noon and they’re still there, the two of them asleep. It took all of my strength not to go off, Cousin’s excuse was “damn, I knew I forgot something”. They’re right in front of your fucking face, you nasty motherfucker.

So, when they get back, whenever that might be, there will be a discussion. It will not be an argument, because I am not going to argue with them. There is nothing to argue about, because they don’t have the right to argue with me. I have the right to dictate what is and is not appropriate behavior inside my home, and my rules are law. I will not be mistreated, dismissed or treated with contempt any longer. I will not be made uncomfortable in my home by bad guests who disrespect me and my rules. Who think it acceptable to argue with their host about whether they’re allowed to use slurs, or ignore them in totality, who do these things while still using their resources. Who think it acceptable to mistreat friends and guests just because they’re having a tantrum. Who have fucking tantrums all over facebook. I don’t have to tolerate immaturity, selfishness, arrogance or passive-aggression. I’ve had enough of emotional manipulation and abuse. I’ve had enough of being belittled and dismissed and ignored, of having my boundaries stomped on and treated callously. I’ve had enough of somehow always being the bad guy just because I have high standards and expect people to bring their A game if they step to me.

I will not, I will not, I will not have pests in my home because of them or anyone.

Whether they get two weeks or two hours to get out of my house depends entirely on how they act when I lay down my law. I will reestablish ma’at in my home. Zep Tepi is coming, and I’m the one bringing it.

To say this experience has changed us would be an understatement. It is a neutral change, because there are good things and bad things. Zolfyer says he feels angrier and more petty and vindictive. I have to say I feel the same.However, we’ve also learned quite clearly what and where our boundaries are, and we are developing the strength, courage, desire and determination to protect those boundaries and protect our home. It is likely that the negatives will end up hurting innocent others at some point, since we are now more sensitive and liable to lash out or cut off. Beaten dogs bite and all. Nonetheless, we must protect ourselves from abuse and being taken advantage of.

Anubis is a god of many things. Lord of thePavilion. Protector of His Father. I intend to rebalance my home TODAY. For my god is also He Who Is One with Ma’at. More importantly, he is also He Who Brings Calamity on His Enemies. I am his daughter, and this bitch bites.