Fallen, Like Leaves

Three weeks ago, I had a dream. It wasn’t even a whole dream, a short vision I guess. A flash of Kali’s face, of fangs and a devil-grin. The kind you seen in manga and anime.

Devour your enemies.

Swallow them whole.

I am with you.

Crush and destroy and dance on their bones.

She didn’t precisely say this to me. Just a feeling I get whenever I remember the flash of her face, of her blue skin and black hair and teeth that crush demons and mortal alike. I’ve told her straight up. She scares me. I’m sick and poor. I don’t want to start anything I can’t maintain, and I’m having a hard time finding reliable sources for how to worship her. I don’t have a lot of energy, I have no spare money, and the reliable sources I can find all spell out labor intensive things that need a dedicated space. I also have a toddler, and so any space would need to be above her reach.

I’m having a very hard time. About 10 days after that dream, I had a big flare of my symptoms. It lasted more than a week, I missed four days of work, I even went to the ER. That was more for having an excuse than anything. They treated me incredibly well there, which was a plus, especially considering I’ve been treated poorly at any ER I’ve visited for my neurological symptoms. I even got a whole spine MRI. Not that they found anything, that would’ve been too easy.

So I still have no answers, and these symptoms are lingering. My beloved Zolfyer (I know, he’s never on wordpress anymore) is trying to remind me that I’ve recovered my functioning from big flares like this before. I just, I have a feeling that this may not be the same as those other times. I’m trying to hold out hope, but it’s hard.

Honestly, I’ve been going through waves of despair recently regarding my health and my religio-spiritual practice. Especially this week. See, my job is in jeopardy right now, and we can’t afford for me to not work. I haven’t been employed long enough to get FMLA, which I need to protect my job from being lost due to attendance (since it’s hard to go to work when you can’t walk) and they are giving me a hard time about disability accommodations.

I was just reading Satsekhem’s recent post Stasis and I just relate so much. It’s literally everything I’ve been feeling spiritually. Dead, stuck, hopeless, helpless. I’m not sure where to go next, and I no longer believe kemeticism is the path I need. I still love the netjer, very much. They helped me and looked out for me a lot, but, and I’m sure somebody will tell me it’s not about me, but them, that worship isn’t supposed to have strings attached, but I need my gods to help me more. No matter what, it’s hard to focus on them, and do for them, and pay attention to them, when my physical survival is being threatened. When my mental health is trashed and I have to look out not just for my physical and mental well-being, but that of my child and my fiancé.

Right now I just feel like my life is a shitstorm. Every time even the smallest thing goes right, it’s followed by a cascade of bullshit. If Kali can actually do something about it, I won’t reject her, much as she makes me anxious. I know, somewhere, that she wants me to learn to stand strong and that it’s ok to rage and thrash as long as you eventually stop. I have spent my entire life being told that it’s wrong to get angry, to have a strong opinion, to push back and “be disrespectful”. I’ve been forced to swallow my resentment, my fears, my anger, my dignity. I’ve been labelled arrogant and told that I don’t know everything that constantly accused of thinking someone is stupid or beneath me. I’ve been forced to do things I didn’t want to, or that I wasn’t ready for, chased with rage that I would dare ask for a break or a rest because “it’s for my own good”.

I thought my dream of her was about work, and to some degree it is, but I am starting, only just now, to realize that it’s about more than that too. I’m not ready for that, because that’s a backlash I can’t handle right now and I still need that person’s help. Those of you who follow me on other media or have been with this blog for a while can make a good guess at who I’m referring to. It’s frustrating.

I feel like a stepped on leaf. Shredded and beat up and tired. Dirty and dead and losing color. I don’t know what to do anymore. If I lose my job, what will I do? “Look for another one” is obvious, but do you have any idea how hard it is to be disabled and look for work? Especially when your disability seriously affects your attendance? Like, if I didn’t have to go down six flights of steps and walk to the bus, it would be fine, but my apartment complex is the opposite of accessible. There’s steps to a landing, to a step, to the front door. Then, you have to go down steps or up steps (in my case I live on the top floor, the third floor) to get to any apartments. It is not possible for them to retrofit these buildings, and none of the buildings are accessible. I don’t even know what kind of work to look into. My resume is all patient care. I can’t run after a kid with special needs, I can’t work easily as a medical assistant, and that’s all my resume is. That is my entire work history outside of some retail experience, and it will be a cold day in hell before I do that again.

I’m surrounded by darkness, but I guess I should learn how to navigate the dark and take shelter in it. At least, if her behavior is any indication, Kali is with me.

Devour your enemies.

Swallow them whole.

I am with you.

Crush and destroy and dance on their bones.

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In Which I Ramble and Make No Particular Point

Let’s get the normal stuff out of the way first. My kid is finally eating solids, though I’ll admit it’s not much, but she’s actually trying foods and eating them. She still nurses entirely too much and I know she’s bored but I’m much better at entertaining older kids. Being a parent is tough for weird reasons. I was in physical therapy for eight weeks and it actually helped, and then they discharged me and so now I have to self-motivate to do my exercises at home. I haven’t done any. In the meantime, I’ve got an appointment to see an ophthalmologist and my ears are being weird. I’ve had problems with both ears, but the right ear in particular, feeling stuffed and painful for a while, but lately I’ve felt like I have trouble hearing sometimes. I’ve also got to make appointments to get some imaging done: MRI of lumbar spine, ultrasound of thyroid, and I need to visit the Dizziness and Balance Center because ten years of dizziness deserves its own specialist apparently.

Moving on.

I’ve always had this issue of wondering if I’m daydreaming or astral-ing. When I was a kid it didn’t really matter, but it’s like, where is the line? (Trick question, there is no spoon)

I wondered about it specifically this evening because sometimes my “daydreams” change rather abruptly and can sometimes go someplace entirely different than where I was directing it. It often connects to some of the work I’m puzzling out Over There and today’s redirect connects possibly to a fuzzy dream that I can’t remember nearly enough of. I was also discussing this with a friend and my assertion that my writing is supposed to help me with my work Over There somehow. I had an idea today but I’m not sure where that will go. Mostly it’s to deliberately write what is happening in the astral. Give it more direction than what I can typically accomplish in dreams. Perhaps trancework or meditation or something.

The other thoughts I’ve been having lately revolve around Kali. Honestly this whole thing with her is causing me stress. She’s from an entirely different culture, and that culture, the people who created it and live it, and She herself, deserve the respect of me adhering to it. The culture is so big though, and I am sick and lazy and exhausted. I can’t even worship the netjeru properly. I want to. I want to worship her and Anpu and Aset properly. It makes me sad. I feel like I can’t even try, like there’s no point. I feel like I shouldn’t even ask Her for anything.

Being sick sucks. Capitalism sucks. I spend half my day working to come home and have four hours with my kid, where I struggle to give her attention and entertainment because I’m worn, and struggle to see my physicians. And I still have to feed everyone and clean (my bathroom is disgusting and you only can’t tell because the tub is pink) and go to bed. Thank the gods Zolfyer is not a chump and cooks and cleans.

Back on topic, I know that a lot of astral work tends to start with self improvement. TheTwistedRope is currently going through therapy and that has popped up in my head multiple times recently. I don’t know what I’m going to do about that. I can’t afford therapy, I can’t afford another specialist. It’s 35$ per visit to see my specialists. I spent almost $200 in November and October on specialists. I’m spending another 35 next week. I also just don’t want to. I make jokes out of it, of having All the Specialists. I use it to empathize with patients at work and let them know “hey, it’s ok, it sucks but you’re not alone”, but I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I despise it.

I lose my mind a little. I saw a post on tumblr today that was entirely too real. A relatable post about psychosis, or something. Too many “lol yeah” reactions. And another one after that. Now, to be fair, I have a lot of friends on tumblr who suffer from dissociation and psychosis (I myself had derealization and dissociative episodes in severe depression), but it just….ironically makes me paranoid.

I know some people who have essentially done some “therapy” with their gods and I get the feeling that’s the angle one of Them (or all of Them, those three have always pushed shadow work) is going for. I know for a fact that my spiritwork is about healing, specifically healing Dapper (he’s got enough strength back to run around thank the gods), partially since he’s right in front of me. Learning to heal others tends to require healing yourself, or at least knowing where you’re broken and how you break, and I know that from watching Ekunyi do her fantastic work as a counselor.

Winter always drags up the ghastly creature of depression. It hasn’t got a full hold on me, but oh how it loves to jump up and bite me. I know that I’ve still got unhealed trauma, though part of that is I still have it inflicted on me. Being sick is a trauma in itself. I’ve never been the pinnacle of health, the epitome of stamina and whatnot, but man I miss my body from before high school. I never wept for my youth, slapped and punched and verbally poisoned out of me. Parts of my brain are still stuck there, still run away, or lash out viciously, at least in my head and behind closed doors.

My body is driving me nuts this year. Having doctors continuously tell you “I can’t find anything.” “Your tests are normal.” “I don’t know what’s wrong” (and those are the kind ones, the ones with compassion and bedside manner, rather than the ones who deliberately tell you, through your chart or implied, that you’re crazy and nothing’s wrong) makes you doubt. God and goddesses above I wonder every day if I’m just doing this to myself. Is it for attention? Would everything get better if I got therapy? Surely that’s cheaper than seeing five specialists. What am I going to do if the next test is normal too? Why can’t anybody find anything? Why isn’t any of this working?

I had two tests recently looking for vitamin deficiencies. One came back normal and the other came back low. So I’m getting treated for the low one. I desperately wished for the other one to be low too. It’s easy to treat these. It would make most of my problems go away. I’m not getting any better even treating the one. I’m crushed. I really am. Do you know how easy it is to treat a vitamin B deficiency? I could do it myself, or ask my coworker. But I’m not deficient in that, only in vitamin D, and that just requires a once a week supplement for 8 weeks, followed by a regular supplement. My life with my health has never been that easy though.

I know it’s normal, but in so many things I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where to go, or what to do, or how. I see myself getting pushed to go back to school for social work, but honestly how? I cannot quit my job for school, I barely see my kid as it is and I am sick and fatigued. I often stay up entirely too late so I can spend some quiet time with Z, if only to watch some tv or listen to him rant at his games with his friends. (I find it comforting and mildly amusing most days, though sometimes I wish he’d stop playing sooner so he wouldn’t get so worked up)

I wonder sometimes, if I could just will myself better. Rheumatologist thinks I have fibromyalgia, but that doesn’t explain everything, but my neurologist can’t find anything either. I’m tired of looking, but I know average diagnosis time is 10 years for most chronic diseases. It’s only been three. It’s disheartening. I find myself hoping my gods forgive my weakness and negligence and comfort me. I don’t feel worthy of it, so I often don’t ask. I wonder what’s the point sometimes. I feel like I’m walking in darkness sometimes. I guess that’s why my daydreams are so often about a traumatized person getting pampered and loved by someone with unending patience.

I know Z would do the same, but I’ve never been very good at communicating what I need or am looking for. He’s not a mind reader. Although apparently he’s getting very good at hearing when I’m thinking! Maybe he’ll be a mindreader in another eight years!

I’m going to bed now, I’ve rambled enough and only partially got my ideas for astral crap out of my head. I used to be good at this writing thing, but lately I feel like my brain is full of heavy darkness, semi solid and hungry for my words. It makes me feel stupid and looney. Guess I am depressed after all.

Decisions and Health Update

My health isn’t significantly worse than the last time I wrote on here (knock on wood). Mostly just more persistent, pronounced weakness, that apparently greatly dislikes stress because it often gets worse when I’m anxious and running around. More muscular pain and joint pain as well, and the numbness and paresthesia are now in all four limbs, though it doesn’t affect my arms and hands as much.

 

My neurologist still doesn’t know what’s going on, she did another MRI of my brain, and did one of my cervical spine, zilch. Now I’m trying physical therapy and trying to get in to see a rheumatologist. Physical therapy assessment posits me as having hyperreflexia, balance problems and a couple other things. It’s nice to have objective proof that something is wrong and I’m not just crazy.

 

The last month I’ve been struggling with some decisions though. I very much want to go back to school, but I’m not certain about it. I can’t do another round of health breakdown, fail/drop out. I would be crushed to face that disappointment, waste of time, energy and money, again. I really want to be a nurse, but I’m no longer confident that I could finish a program. I was thinking of doing an LPN program, they’re typically a year, but even then. I’m not even sure there’s one that I could do evenings. The ones closest to my residence are day time, and I work a full time job.

 

I started thinking about social work or psychology/counseling. Yes, they need a master’s degree, but I imagine that’s less intense than nursing school. I’ve also been doing research on being a nursing student with disabilities, not that it’ll matter if I can’t get a diagnosis before next fall. At least if I do social work I can start in the spring. I like mental health care and just helping people in general, but I also really enjoy clinical work, which is why I like being a medical assistant. I don’t know what to do or how to do it. I just really need a clear, indisputable, unignorable sign about which direction to take myself school wise.

 

In the meantime I have been considering how best to set up my house so I can start my practice back. With a toddler I want to be careful about smoke and low lying objects, but I also need it to be low spoons, especially since Kali is deserving of my attention and I’m sure Anpu has work for me to do. It’s hard trying to find resources on culturally correct, low spoons, low budget (cuz I’m broke and can’t afford to not eat offerings) worship of the Devi.

Frustration

I’m very frustrated right now. My health is back and forth rather constantly the last month. I’m not even sure what it could be anymore, although currently MS fits the bill best. Sometimes though, I do wonder if it’s all in my head. Is that such a bad thing? No, not necessarily, but if it isn’t and I ignore it, well that’s a bad thing. My symptoms mostly just don’t add up, or they wax and wane so erratically that I can’t necessarily make heads or tails of them. What’s important? What’s just random? Will this particular symptom stay? Is this a product of insomnia, or albuterol, heat or just because I’m thinking about it? For example, increased heart rate, blood pressure and trembling, albuterol side effects that I’ve had before and readily recognize. Sometimes though, they’re there anyway, even though I haven’t used my inhaler or had any caffeine. Even then, my shaking isn’t usually this bad unless I used my nebulizer, and I haven’t used that thing in literally two years. It actually needs to be replaced. So why is it so much more intense lately? I don’t know.

Then there’s this whole religion thing. I’ve been too tired or sick lately to really get much of anything from anyone. I wish it would rain, I’ve been having a hell of a lot more clarity and calm when it’s rained ever since I started trying to connect more with the weather and water as a whole. I’m also reminding myself that one can be Kemetic without the gods, not that I necessarily want to be godless. I’ve spent several mornings greeting Heqat and Qebechet, because why not? One is my good friend’s “grandmother” and the other is one I’ve always been interested in. Maybe I’ll just surround myself with ladies, because I also thought of Serket. It makes me think of an old dream where four or five goddesses were watching me walk through a corridor. They were observing me like scientists, but also guiding me.

Earlier in the month, I had a dream about carnelian beads, a prayer necklace with a pendulum at the end. I have no idea what the thing as a whole means, but certainly not with the pendulum. I own a pendulum, but it’s quartz, not copper or gold (could have been bronze, it was yellow-y and metal, I dunno) like the dream necklace. There were also statues of a fox, wolf and Anpu. His statue wasn’t the focus, and it was above my head, something important to me because, as a short person, I’m more likely to look down for something than up. I often find things on a lower shelf than taller people and look under things first. They often see things over my head. Basically, it means he’s staying out of the way, where I won’t see him. I only just now thought of this because I was remembering grocery shopping this weekend and completely missing things I was looking for because they were on a top shelf. The fox and wolf statues though, they were just above eye level, where I frequently look for things. They were warped, but the fox was smiling. Zolfyer’s fox promised me help if I was her liaison to him. I haven’t taken her up on the offer.

I honestly feel more receptivity from the goddesses. Perhaps I needed to go through all this frustration and such. I dunno, but this morning I reached out and got Aset. Quite clearly at that. Really, I was poking at Anpu, asking what was I supposed to do now, was I supposed to move on, are you listening? I kinda blew it off, wondering if anyone would listen to me. Low and behold, a familiar feeling, and then Aset. “I’ll listen to you.” Devo made a suggestion when I told her about my dream with the prayer beads/pendulum (which also included my mother telling me she had the same beads, showing me the carnelian string that was twice as long as my actual prayer beads) that I sit with them and see what impressions I get. I haven’t really had the energy or concentration, and I’ll admit that I was rather jaded and ticked off too, but recently I did and I couldn’t quite figure out who or what it was. It felt familiar, and definitely feminine, insistent too, but at the time I was very distracted and exhausted. So, who knows. Another dream comes to mind, a scene of Aset arguing with Anpu about his plans and walking away crying. Perhaps she was upset at his plan to teach me to be self-reliant and look for what I really want and what can genuinely work for me, even if it’s hard and annoying and incredibly frustrating. Even if it makes me feel abandoned.

So many perhaps’ and possibilities. So much frustration.

Today

I’ve been wondering what I’d write about all day today. I came up with a few poem stanzas, but they aren’t really fitting. Today was a frustrating day. First there was SEPTA fucking up my transaction, so I have no transpass and now have to go through a lengthy process with the bank to get my money back. This also means that until that time we’ll be spending money we don’t have to get me a transpass. Then there is Zolfyer feeling sick. He’s been feeling unwell for several days and it’s possible that it’s an extended allergic reaction to onions. Yeah, he’s got weird allergies, but luckily it isn’t anaphylaxis level allergic, although this is probably the worst reaction (persistent coughing, sore throat, headache and fatigue, losing his voice) yet. We’re likely going to have to start looking out for onion stuff more, since most of his symptoms were throat related. The other thing that’s happened is that Z has been on vacation all week and hasn’t gotten to enjoy a single day of it. First there was the bullshit with Cousin and Fiancee, then two days of us cleaning our house and shopping for new furniture, and family members unexpectedly calling on us for emergencies. He was going to sleep in and enjoy his last day of vacation, but lo and behold, I’m forced to ask him for a ride to school since I can’t get my transpass because inept SEPTA workers.

The only really nice thing that happened today was that our friend had her baby today. She is so precious. (And BGF is over and one of our younger card playing friends too)

I didn’t really enjoy class today. I wasn’t against it or anything, it just wasn’t entirely enjoyable. My class made it clear that my opinions would be minority as far as feminist ideology goes (and non-MD medical programs are always overwhelmingly female), because the way class discussion was going just ended up showing who felt what. Further, my teacher really only reinforced it and it’s obvious that she and the majority of my class is Christian and at least mildly conservative. Yeah, so it’s just one of those “how much do I feel like engaging with or arguing with these people.” The info was good though, learning about laws and such like HIPAA and OSHA is tomorrow.

I mean, nobody antagonized me, and I didn’t antagonize anyone, but oh I wanted to challenge everybody. I’m also extremely angry that my teacher described drainage and curettage abortion in detail without explaining that most abortions are not that type and that they only happen for second trimester abortions. And also that New York no longer does third trimester abortions except for extreme circumstances. It’s disingenuous and just cements my classmates’ opposition to it. Although she was equally graphic in explaining back alley abortions and that she supports legal abortions to keep women from having back alley ones.

Then there was her conversation about same-sex marriage and how she’s scared for the children because it’s such a confusing time for them and blah blah “it was written that you wouldn’t be able to tell male from female”. It made class very uncomfortable and I feel like she assumes I’m Christian because I did not claim atheism or agnosticism when she asked the class. Whether it’s worth it to find a way to bring up that I’m not is another story. I don’t know.

This afternoon I had this distinct feeling that I should be doing something. It is related to BGF, which is weird, because I almost never have intuitive senses about him, not like this. Usually it’s that something is bothering him, or whathaveyou.

I had a strange dream during my nap. A lot of stuff happened, but near the end I found myself on a stage. I wasn’t alone or anything, and Zolfyer and Sister came to the performance. It was just as much me singing as it was helping with the behind-the-scenes production. I was apparently friends with an actor-dancer, and I was helping with an ice-skating musical. He was telling me about how he used to only dance, then he acted for so long he forgot how, and then he went back to dancing and gained it back, and in fact was better at it once he got back to where he used to be. There was also helping someone get away from a murderous, abusive guy, including consideration of murder to keep him back. Don’t ask me.

But yeah, my day today.

You know, I realize that I’ve been having dreams lately about returning. (Then there was a dream about wishing on a star with Z, asking to be healthy and happy in our relationship and life and then every second after that was people telling us it wasn’t working and I should get a girlfriend. I don’t even, because I’m not the least bit dissatisfied with our relationship) Most especially returning to Christianity. It’s very irritating because I have much different views on that religion now, and I left it for good reasons. It makes me wonder if I need to tell people to stop praying for me, because, although unlikely, I imagine it’s possible for me to get cockblocked by other gods.

Speculation. I dunno.

MoWD-How?

It was easy for me. I was the most familiar with Anubis, and I had always thought it exceedingly cool that he was a jackal. I love canids of all kinds, and what I knew of Egypt was great as well. Then I found out people did this “worship the Egyptian gods” thing, and that I really jived with the religion.

Naturally I started pestering The Jackal.

He didn’t turn me away, though he didn’t exactly answer at first either. He’s been incredibly forgiving, since I am both very impatient and very timid at the same time. I can’t imagine how much of a headache I’ve been for Him. Even when I was writing those posts last week about not calling myself Kemetic anymore, I knew I wasn’t really going anywhere. He has never told me get out, and I don’t plan to. Even though sometimes I feel like I should. I just need to stir things up, and will still be doing research and perhaps reaching out to other netjer. I love this religion too much, I grok it too well. It simply works for me, I just have to find things to do to occupy my time (goodness gracious my brain wants to be kept busy so badly) and have a focus.

In other words, I don’t know what I want, but this god is willing to put up with my flailing and running around like a headless chicken. Honestly if I learned to sit the fuck down and be quiet for a minute I’d probably have less problems! Perhaps this is why even the louder gods chuckle and turn me right back around. “Oh look, one of Anubis’ anxious kiddies”.

I was a huge dork though, I’ll be honest. I really did reach out because he was a jackal, and he was decently familiar, but mostly his jackalness.

Put Out

This is a status I posted to my Facebook. Currently it’s hidden because Zolfyer wants to take a look at it, however his family doesn’t know about this blog and I’ll happily post it here. The status is really for his and Cousin’s family, to alert them to why he’s been kicked out. It’s been edited to exclude their names, but otherwise this is the status as I wrote it.

Yesterday evening I put Cousin and Fiancee out of my house. Two days ago I argued with Cousin about using the slur “midget” in my house. I had not intended to start an argument, I wasn’t even angry, I simply said “I don’t know if you realize, but midget is a slur.” He first told me “I’m not trying to get into thiswith you right now.” When I stood my ground because I A) was not tryingto fight, B) have a right to control the use of slurs or other insensitive language in my home and C) I can get into it with whoever I want over whatever I want and he must either shut up and listen because my house, my rules or get out. In the end he told me “Lots of people use lots of slurs everyday.” I told him I don’t care, this isn’t that house, we are not those people. If he wants to make a house where they use slurs all day everyday, he can go right ahead, but while they were here, he would not do that.

For all of Friday and all of yesterday, neither he nor Fiancee spoke to us in any capacity. They were rude to my guests on Saturday, one of whom is supposed to be Cousin’s friend as well as ours. They didn’t so much as tell our guests god bless you when they sneezed. Instead they spent the entire day on our internet, pretending we didn’t exist and completely isolating themselves in our living room. While we were in there.

This morning they broke some rules. They say they don’t remember me giving them the rule that whenever they leave, they must tell someone they are leaving. I gave them this rule so that we can lock the door behind them and be aware that they are leaving and where they are going so that, in the event of an emergency, they can be located. I’m ok with them not remembering that rule. I’m not ok with them speeding out of the house so they can avoid interacting with us, and more importantly leaving their ferrets without food or water.

When they returned I told them I wanted to talk. That I wanted to tell them some new rules, and make clear what behavior is and isn’t ok. I made them agree to listen, because we weren’t going to argue. There is nothing to argue about, they don’t have a right to argue, because it is my home and I have a right to dictate rules and what is or is not ok behavior. Fiancee agreed, Cousin remained silent and I had to ask twice more just to get an “mhmm”.

I started with this morning, asking them if they remembered me giving them a rule about telling people when they were leaving. I also made it clear that it wasn’t ok for them to act like we didn’t exist, and it wasn’t ok for them to scramble out of the house to avoid us. I also told them it wasn’t acceptable for them to leave the ferrets without food or water just because they had a problem with us. Cousin decided that he could argue that point, dismissing my issue by saying “Ferrets can go without food or water for 24 hours.”

It doesn’t matter. You don’t leave your pets neglected and stranded for any reason. He insisted that I didn’t have a right to dictate that since they’re his ferrets, and I told him that as long as they are here, in my house, I did. It is not acceptable to leave your pets neglected while they are living in my home. He continued to talk over me and blow me off, as well as saying that he wasn’t required to speak to anyone if he didn’t want to. Nevermind that I had just told him that wasn’t ok in my house and that is a rule. Silent treatment is not allowed, it is manipulative and mean-spirited. He continued trying to argue with me, so I told him to leave.

He said he was happy to leave, since I always try and have these conversations when Zolfyer isn’t here so I can “step over the line”. I told him, in no uncertain terms, that I have a right to step over the line. It is my home, my name is on the lease, he is a guest, allowed to be here at the risk of us getting evicted, out of love and generosity. I get to draw the line, and step all over it if I so desire. Further, Zolfyer made clear to me that he would stand behind whatever decisions I made and anything I said to them, so that’s a moot point. I am also not stepping over the line by asserting my boundaries and my authority in my house for him, a guest, to abide by. I am not stepping over the line by demanding he respect me and my house and my rules and right to make rules.

I will no longer tolerate being disrespected, dismissed, or made to feel uncomfortable and miserable in my home. I will not argue with anyone about what is or isn’t appropriate in my home. This is my home, I get to dictate where the line is, what the rules are and what is or isn’t acceptable. I will not be talked down to, I will not have arrogance flaunted in my face, I will not have my rules broken. I will not be told that my rules don’t have to be followed or that I can’t say what is or isn’t appropriate behavior for every creature living in my space. They are not unreasonable or extreme in any fashion and I have a right to set them and give out consequences.

You were MY guests. Not my roommates, my guests. I and Zolfyer allowed you here out of the kindness of our hearts. No one else took you in, so without us you’d be stuck in Georgia. Yet you have the gall to treat us and our house with contempt? To post memes on facebook about how you’d rather work hard for everything than say anyone gave you something? We gave you a roof for you and your pregnant fiancee, we have allowed you to stay here for only 100$ a month so you could save quickly and in large amounts. We have let your disrespect and contempt for our rules and our right to set them for too long. You are not allowed to speak to us that way, as if you have equal rights to this house, as if we have no authority over our home. You will not take pot shots at my integrity either and stay here.

You do not get to ignore me and Zolfyer, or treat us poorly. How dare you come into our home, on our dime, our space, our love, our kindness, our generosity, and treat us this way. How dare you be so nasty and rude and callous to me. How dare you dismiss my feelings and my needs, my right to control my home and feel emotionally safe in it. If I had said no that day he asked if you could stay, you wouldn’t be here. How dare you do that to your cousin. How dare you make him feel miserable and unsafe in his home, a home he pays for in its entirety, including taking care of you and your fiancee. You are not allowed in this house again, except to retrieve your belongings. If you cause any problems for us while retrieving your things, we will have an issue.

Your ferrets are safe here. I won’t leave them hungry and thirsty just because I have a problem with you and your behavior.

If any family or friends have any questions about this situation, please feel free to contact us, as this was a long time coming, because Cousin and Fiancee have not been good house guests. Cousin has been disrespecting Zolfyer and me for longer than this one week. We were trying to be good cousins, generous and loving and forgiving. We were hoping to be able to work this out, and this is not our first time having to reestablish rules with them because they were breaking them. We were trying to not be hardasses and we didn’t want to ask them to leave, however, our home has become emotionally volatile and unsafe due to Cousin’s behavior and the fact that he doesn’t respect me and treats us with contempt. I will not allow this behavior in my home, I am not beneath anyone and I will not be treated like I am.

For any friends or family who want to know, they have until Wednesday to get their things. They MUST CALL ME before they arrive, or they won’t be allowed in. Not Zolfyer, me. Their ferrets are allowed to stay until Friday, after that they become ours and will likely be taken to a shelter unless they make arrangements with us.

It’s nice to have them out of my house, I will say that.