Decisions and Health Update

My health isn’t significantly worse than the last time I wrote on here (knock on wood). Mostly just more persistent, pronounced weakness, that apparently greatly dislikes stress because it often gets worse when I’m anxious and running around. More muscular pain and joint pain as well, and the numbness and paresthesia are now in all four limbs, though it doesn’t affect my arms and hands as much.

 

My neurologist still doesn’t know what’s going on, she did another MRI of my brain, and did one of my cervical spine, zilch. Now I’m trying physical therapy and trying to get in to see a rheumatologist. Physical therapy assessment posits me as having hyperreflexia, balance problems and a couple other things. It’s nice to have objective proof that something is wrong and I’m not just crazy.

 

The last month I’ve been struggling with some decisions though. I very much want to go back to school, but I’m not certain about it. I can’t do another round of health breakdown, fail/drop out. I would be crushed to face that disappointment, waste of time, energy and money, again. I really want to be a nurse, but I’m no longer confident that I could finish a program. I was thinking of doing an LPN program, they’re typically a year, but even then. I’m not even sure there’s one that I could do evenings. The ones closest to my residence are day time, and I work a full time job.

 

I started thinking about social work or psychology/counseling. Yes, they need a master’s degree, but I imagine that’s less intense than nursing school. I’ve also been doing research on being a nursing student with disabilities, not that it’ll matter if I can’t get a diagnosis before next fall. At least if I do social work I can start in the spring. I like mental health care and just helping people in general, but I also really enjoy clinical work, which is why I like being a medical assistant. I don’t know what to do or how to do it. I just really need a clear, indisputable, unignorable sign about which direction to take myself school wise.

 

In the meantime I have been considering how best to set up my house so I can start my practice back. With a toddler I want to be careful about smoke and low lying objects, but I also need it to be low spoons, especially since Kali is deserving of my attention and I’m sure Anpu has work for me to do. It’s hard trying to find resources on culturally correct, low spoons, low budget (cuz I’m broke and can’t afford to not eat offerings) worship of the Devi.

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Frustration

I’m very frustrated right now. My health is back and forth rather constantly the last month. I’m not even sure what it could be anymore, although currently MS fits the bill best. Sometimes though, I do wonder if it’s all in my head. Is that such a bad thing? No, not necessarily, but if it isn’t and I ignore it, well that’s a bad thing. My symptoms mostly just don’t add up, or they wax and wane so erratically that I can’t necessarily make heads or tails of them. What’s important? What’s just random? Will this particular symptom stay? Is this a product of insomnia, or albuterol, heat or just because I’m thinking about it? For example, increased heart rate, blood pressure and trembling, albuterol side effects that I’ve had before and readily recognize. Sometimes though, they’re there anyway, even though I haven’t used my inhaler or had any caffeine. Even then, my shaking isn’t usually this bad unless I used my nebulizer, and I haven’t used that thing in literally two years. It actually needs to be replaced. So why is it so much more intense lately? I don’t know.

Then there’s this whole religion thing. I’ve been too tired or sick lately to really get much of anything from anyone. I wish it would rain, I’ve been having a hell of a lot more clarity and calm when it’s rained ever since I started trying to connect more with the weather and water as a whole. I’m also reminding myself that one can be Kemetic without the gods, not that I necessarily want to be godless. I’ve spent several mornings greeting Heqat and Qebechet, because why not? One is my good friend’s “grandmother” and the other is one I’ve always been interested in. Maybe I’ll just surround myself with ladies, because I also thought of Serket. It makes me think of an old dream where four or five goddesses were watching me walk through a corridor. They were observing me like scientists, but also guiding me.

Earlier in the month, I had a dream about carnelian beads, a prayer necklace with a pendulum at the end. I have no idea what the thing as a whole means, but certainly not with the pendulum. I own a pendulum, but it’s quartz, not copper or gold (could have been bronze, it was yellow-y and metal, I dunno) like the dream necklace. There were also statues of a fox, wolf and Anpu. His statue wasn’t the focus, and it was above my head, something important to me because, as a short person, I’m more likely to look down for something than up. I often find things on a lower shelf than taller people and look under things first. They often see things over my head. Basically, it means he’s staying out of the way, where I won’t see him. I only just now thought of this because I was remembering grocery shopping this weekend and completely missing things I was looking for because they were on a top shelf. The fox and wolf statues though, they were just above eye level, where I frequently look for things. They were warped, but the fox was smiling. Zolfyer’s fox promised me help if I was her liaison to him. I haven’t taken her up on the offer.

I honestly feel more receptivity from the goddesses. Perhaps I needed to go through all this frustration and such. I dunno, but this morning I reached out and got Aset. Quite clearly at that. Really, I was poking at Anpu, asking what was I supposed to do now, was I supposed to move on, are you listening? I kinda blew it off, wondering if anyone would listen to me. Low and behold, a familiar feeling, and then Aset. “I’ll listen to you.” Devo made a suggestion when I told her about my dream with the prayer beads/pendulum (which also included my mother telling me she had the same beads, showing me the carnelian string that was twice as long as my actual prayer beads) that I sit with them and see what impressions I get. I haven’t really had the energy or concentration, and I’ll admit that I was rather jaded and ticked off too, but recently I did and I couldn’t quite figure out who or what it was. It felt familiar, and definitely feminine, insistent too, but at the time I was very distracted and exhausted. So, who knows. Another dream comes to mind, a scene of Aset arguing with Anpu about his plans and walking away crying. Perhaps she was upset at his plan to teach me to be self-reliant and look for what I really want and what can genuinely work for me, even if it’s hard and annoying and incredibly frustrating. Even if it makes me feel abandoned.

So many perhaps’ and possibilities. So much frustration.

Today

I’ve been wondering what I’d write about all day today. I came up with a few poem stanzas, but they aren’t really fitting. Today was a frustrating day. First there was SEPTA fucking up my transaction, so I have no transpass and now have to go through a lengthy process with the bank to get my money back. This also means that until that time we’ll be spending money we don’t have to get me a transpass. Then there is Zolfyer feeling sick. He’s been feeling unwell for several days and it’s possible that it’s an extended allergic reaction to onions. Yeah, he’s got weird allergies, but luckily it isn’t anaphylaxis level allergic, although this is probably the worst reaction (persistent coughing, sore throat, headache and fatigue, losing his voice) yet. We’re likely going to have to start looking out for onion stuff more, since most of his symptoms were throat related. The other thing that’s happened is that Z has been on vacation all week and hasn’t gotten to enjoy a single day of it. First there was the bullshit with Cousin and Fiancee, then two days of us cleaning our house and shopping for new furniture, and family members unexpectedly calling on us for emergencies. He was going to sleep in and enjoy his last day of vacation, but lo and behold, I’m forced to ask him for a ride to school since I can’t get my transpass because inept SEPTA workers.

The only really nice thing that happened today was that our friend had her baby today. She is so precious. (And BGF is over and one of our younger card playing friends too)

I didn’t really enjoy class today. I wasn’t against it or anything, it just wasn’t entirely enjoyable. My class made it clear that my opinions would be minority as far as feminist ideology goes (and non-MD medical programs are always overwhelmingly female), because the way class discussion was going just ended up showing who felt what. Further, my teacher really only reinforced it and it’s obvious that she and the majority of my class is Christian and at least mildly conservative. Yeah, so it’s just one of those “how much do I feel like engaging with or arguing with these people.” The info was good though, learning about laws and such like HIPAA and OSHA is tomorrow.

I mean, nobody antagonized me, and I didn’t antagonize anyone, but oh I wanted to challenge everybody. I’m also extremely angry that my teacher described drainage and curettage abortion in detail without explaining that most abortions are not that type and that they only happen for second trimester abortions. And also that New York no longer does third trimester abortions except for extreme circumstances. It’s disingenuous and just cements my classmates’ opposition to it. Although she was equally graphic in explaining back alley abortions and that she supports legal abortions to keep women from having back alley ones.

Then there was her conversation about same-sex marriage and how she’s scared for the children because it’s such a confusing time for them and blah blah “it was written that you wouldn’t be able to tell male from female”. It made class very uncomfortable and I feel like she assumes I’m Christian because I did not claim atheism or agnosticism when she asked the class. Whether it’s worth it to find a way to bring up that I’m not is another story. I don’t know.

This afternoon I had this distinct feeling that I should be doing something. It is related to BGF, which is weird, because I almost never have intuitive senses about him, not like this. Usually it’s that something is bothering him, or whathaveyou.

I had a strange dream during my nap. A lot of stuff happened, but near the end I found myself on a stage. I wasn’t alone or anything, and Zolfyer and Sister came to the performance. It was just as much me singing as it was helping with the behind-the-scenes production. I was apparently friends with an actor-dancer, and I was helping with an ice-skating musical. He was telling me about how he used to only dance, then he acted for so long he forgot how, and then he went back to dancing and gained it back, and in fact was better at it once he got back to where he used to be. There was also helping someone get away from a murderous, abusive guy, including consideration of murder to keep him back. Don’t ask me.

But yeah, my day today.

You know, I realize that I’ve been having dreams lately about returning. (Then there was a dream about wishing on a star with Z, asking to be healthy and happy in our relationship and life and then every second after that was people telling us it wasn’t working and I should get a girlfriend. I don’t even, because I’m not the least bit dissatisfied with our relationship) Most especially returning to Christianity. It’s very irritating because I have much different views on that religion now, and I left it for good reasons. It makes me wonder if I need to tell people to stop praying for me, because, although unlikely, I imagine it’s possible for me to get cockblocked by other gods.

Speculation. I dunno.

MoWD-How?

It was easy for me. I was the most familiar with Anubis, and I had always thought it exceedingly cool that he was a jackal. I love canids of all kinds, and what I knew of Egypt was great as well. Then I found out people did this “worship the Egyptian gods” thing, and that I really jived with the religion.

Naturally I started pestering The Jackal.

He didn’t turn me away, though he didn’t exactly answer at first either. He’s been incredibly forgiving, since I am both very impatient and very timid at the same time. I can’t imagine how much of a headache I’ve been for Him. Even when I was writing those posts last week about not calling myself Kemetic anymore, I knew I wasn’t really going anywhere. He has never told me get out, and I don’t plan to. Even though sometimes I feel like I should. I just need to stir things up, and will still be doing research and perhaps reaching out to other netjer. I love this religion too much, I grok it too well. It simply works for me, I just have to find things to do to occupy my time (goodness gracious my brain wants to be kept busy so badly) and have a focus.

In other words, I don’t know what I want, but this god is willing to put up with my flailing and running around like a headless chicken. Honestly if I learned to sit the fuck down and be quiet for a minute I’d probably have less problems! Perhaps this is why even the louder gods chuckle and turn me right back around. “Oh look, one of Anubis’ anxious kiddies”.

I was a huge dork though, I’ll be honest. I really did reach out because he was a jackal, and he was decently familiar, but mostly his jackalness.

Put Out

This is a status I posted to my Facebook. Currently it’s hidden because Zolfyer wants to take a look at it, however his family doesn’t know about this blog and I’ll happily post it here. The status is really for his and Cousin’s family, to alert them to why he’s been kicked out. It’s been edited to exclude their names, but otherwise this is the status as I wrote it.

Yesterday evening I put Cousin and Fiancee out of my house. Two days ago I argued with Cousin about using the slur “midget” in my house. I had not intended to start an argument, I wasn’t even angry, I simply said “I don’t know if you realize, but midget is a slur.” He first told me “I’m not trying to get into thiswith you right now.” When I stood my ground because I A) was not tryingto fight, B) have a right to control the use of slurs or other insensitive language in my home and C) I can get into it with whoever I want over whatever I want and he must either shut up and listen because my house, my rules or get out. In the end he told me “Lots of people use lots of slurs everyday.” I told him I don’t care, this isn’t that house, we are not those people. If he wants to make a house where they use slurs all day everyday, he can go right ahead, but while they were here, he would not do that.

For all of Friday and all of yesterday, neither he nor Fiancee spoke to us in any capacity. They were rude to my guests on Saturday, one of whom is supposed to be Cousin’s friend as well as ours. They didn’t so much as tell our guests god bless you when they sneezed. Instead they spent the entire day on our internet, pretending we didn’t exist and completely isolating themselves in our living room. While we were in there.

This morning they broke some rules. They say they don’t remember me giving them the rule that whenever they leave, they must tell someone they are leaving. I gave them this rule so that we can lock the door behind them and be aware that they are leaving and where they are going so that, in the event of an emergency, they can be located. I’m ok with them not remembering that rule. I’m not ok with them speeding out of the house so they can avoid interacting with us, and more importantly leaving their ferrets without food or water.

When they returned I told them I wanted to talk. That I wanted to tell them some new rules, and make clear what behavior is and isn’t ok. I made them agree to listen, because we weren’t going to argue. There is nothing to argue about, they don’t have a right to argue, because it is my home and I have a right to dictate rules and what is or is not ok behavior. Fiancee agreed, Cousin remained silent and I had to ask twice more just to get an “mhmm”.

I started with this morning, asking them if they remembered me giving them a rule about telling people when they were leaving. I also made it clear that it wasn’t ok for them to act like we didn’t exist, and it wasn’t ok for them to scramble out of the house to avoid us. I also told them it wasn’t acceptable for them to leave the ferrets without food or water just because they had a problem with us. Cousin decided that he could argue that point, dismissing my issue by saying “Ferrets can go without food or water for 24 hours.”

It doesn’t matter. You don’t leave your pets neglected and stranded for any reason. He insisted that I didn’t have a right to dictate that since they’re his ferrets, and I told him that as long as they are here, in my house, I did. It is not acceptable to leave your pets neglected while they are living in my home. He continued to talk over me and blow me off, as well as saying that he wasn’t required to speak to anyone if he didn’t want to. Nevermind that I had just told him that wasn’t ok in my house and that is a rule. Silent treatment is not allowed, it is manipulative and mean-spirited. He continued trying to argue with me, so I told him to leave.

He said he was happy to leave, since I always try and have these conversations when Zolfyer isn’t here so I can “step over the line”. I told him, in no uncertain terms, that I have a right to step over the line. It is my home, my name is on the lease, he is a guest, allowed to be here at the risk of us getting evicted, out of love and generosity. I get to draw the line, and step all over it if I so desire. Further, Zolfyer made clear to me that he would stand behind whatever decisions I made and anything I said to them, so that’s a moot point. I am also not stepping over the line by asserting my boundaries and my authority in my house for him, a guest, to abide by. I am not stepping over the line by demanding he respect me and my house and my rules and right to make rules.

I will no longer tolerate being disrespected, dismissed, or made to feel uncomfortable and miserable in my home. I will not argue with anyone about what is or isn’t appropriate in my home. This is my home, I get to dictate where the line is, what the rules are and what is or isn’t acceptable. I will not be talked down to, I will not have arrogance flaunted in my face, I will not have my rules broken. I will not be told that my rules don’t have to be followed or that I can’t say what is or isn’t appropriate behavior for every creature living in my space. They are not unreasonable or extreme in any fashion and I have a right to set them and give out consequences.

You were MY guests. Not my roommates, my guests. I and Zolfyer allowed you here out of the kindness of our hearts. No one else took you in, so without us you’d be stuck in Georgia. Yet you have the gall to treat us and our house with contempt? To post memes on facebook about how you’d rather work hard for everything than say anyone gave you something? We gave you a roof for you and your pregnant fiancee, we have allowed you to stay here for only 100$ a month so you could save quickly and in large amounts. We have let your disrespect and contempt for our rules and our right to set them for too long. You are not allowed to speak to us that way, as if you have equal rights to this house, as if we have no authority over our home. You will not take pot shots at my integrity either and stay here.

You do not get to ignore me and Zolfyer, or treat us poorly. How dare you come into our home, on our dime, our space, our love, our kindness, our generosity, and treat us this way. How dare you be so nasty and rude and callous to me. How dare you dismiss my feelings and my needs, my right to control my home and feel emotionally safe in it. If I had said no that day he asked if you could stay, you wouldn’t be here. How dare you do that to your cousin. How dare you make him feel miserable and unsafe in his home, a home he pays for in its entirety, including taking care of you and your fiancee. You are not allowed in this house again, except to retrieve your belongings. If you cause any problems for us while retrieving your things, we will have an issue.

Your ferrets are safe here. I won’t leave them hungry and thirsty just because I have a problem with you and your behavior.

If any family or friends have any questions about this situation, please feel free to contact us, as this was a long time coming, because Cousin and Fiancee have not been good house guests. Cousin has been disrespecting Zolfyer and me for longer than this one week. We were trying to be good cousins, generous and loving and forgiving. We were hoping to be able to work this out, and this is not our first time having to reestablish rules with them because they were breaking them. We were trying to not be hardasses and we didn’t want to ask them to leave, however, our home has become emotionally volatile and unsafe due to Cousin’s behavior and the fact that he doesn’t respect me and treats us with contempt. I will not allow this behavior in my home, I am not beneath anyone and I will not be treated like I am.

For any friends or family who want to know, they have until Wednesday to get their things. They MUST CALL ME before they arrive, or they won’t be allowed in. Not Zolfyer, me. Their ferrets are allowed to stay until Friday, after that they become ours and will likely be taken to a shelter unless they make arrangements with us.

It’s nice to have them out of my house, I will say that.

Zep Tepi is Coming, and I’m Bringing It

Right now I’m sitting next to my Anubis statue, thinking about lunch. Earlier had this strange desire to bring it out of my room to hang out in the living room. I know it seems strange to be out here considering my post the other day. However, I am actually completely alone in my home right now. I am delighted at how much better my house feels, and I haven’t done more than the dishes and clean the bathtub.

So, I’m sure you’re all wondering what happened. Today Zolfyer is going to a tournament. This was planned two weeks ago, so whatever. Technically Cousin was supposed to go, he even got off work. Then he and I argued and Cousin found out that he wasn’t able to take Fiancee with him (his reasoning was he wouldn’t get to spend a lot of time with her next week because of work, everyone going was like, we need room for a person who is actually going to play and not be a distraction because pregnant people get exhausted really fast and have a lot of needs, so it isn’t a good idea to bring her out to New York for a late day trip) and decided not to go. He claimed he didn’t know about them only taking one car, even though Zolfyer most definitely told him that our car Maxwell was not going out to New York. Either way, he didn’t ask clarifying questions up until the night I argued with him, and he outright refused to ask our friend, who is the one driving (and also the one he was rude to last night) any questions. Like whether Fiancee could come.

To clarify about last night, Cousin and Fiancee decided that acting as if no one else existed was a good course of action. Whatever, Zolfyer was at work half the day and I was asleep for a good portion because my sleep schedule is whack. However, we had two friends come over, T and S. Now, they don’t really know S, Cousin has met her maybe twice. T, however, is their friend too, and is the leader of our Cardfight! Vanguard team. Further, he’s done them a lot of favors in respect to that team. Card games can get pretty expensive, and T went out of his way to try and include Cousin in the team and make sure the other team members treated him and Fiancee with respect. Apparently Fiancee doesn’t actually like him, T can be a little callous and he is very straightforward. He’s still very caring, he’s just an asshole about it. Z and I have other friends like him, so it’s not really a big deal to us, especially if you tell him you’re not cool with something, he usually changes his behavior and/or apologizes. This is another example of how communication could save Fiancee and Cousin a lot of trouble, but they choose not to. Anyway, T comes in and, not really aware of the tension of the house because of the argument, tries to talk to Cousin and Fiancee. Cousin says literally three words to him and otherwise ignores him for his computer game. (Notice how they’re perfectly content to use our internet while completely ignoring us) Fiancee says nothing. They say two words to S.

Now, logically, this is unacceptable behavior. You don’t treat guests like that! You don’t treat a friend like that! Especially when they have no idea and nothing to do with whatever reason you’ve got a foul attitude. You certainly don’t act that way to someone else’s guests, certainly not while a guest in someone else’s house. We didn’t want to slap that hornet’s nest while our guests were here, because we wanted to hang out with them. Cousin and Fiancee did not interact with any of us for the entire night. Not so much as a “god bless you” for a sneeze was given, although Fiancee did say excuse me to our cat.

You read that right. She excused herself to the cat, but couldn’t say hi to our guests or even bless their sneezes, much less mine. They did talk to each other, and Cousin, still on his game, on our internet, was happily yammering to his online friends. He said three words to Zolfyer, “Adrian says hi”. Otherwise he’d have gone completely without speaking to us for day two. Adrian is Zolfyer’s friend first, so Cousin couldn’t avoid passing the message without betraying his petty motives. We decided it wasn’t worth it to pester them after our guests left. Z needed to sleep because he had to get up early, so we left it for today.

Now to really explain why I’m home alone.

Let me give you a little understanding of how my house works. How I work as well. I’m paranoid. I am aware of this, I am honest about it, I tell people as much. I am a small woman, at this point in my life, partially disabled. Safety is a huge priority for me, if only because I get a lot of intrusive thoughts of danger and assault. This means I have some rules related to that. Close the windows at night, draw the blinds, leave at least one light on at night if we’re going out and lock my door. This might seem like a given, but you’d be amazed at how many people don’t lock their doors, or how often I end up fussing at a guest because they didn’t lock the door behind them.

I check the door at least once per day, regardless of whether or not I can clearly see that both the deadbolt and the doorknob are locked, regardless of whether or not I was the one who locked it, or if I just watched someone lock it. In fact, I often check the locks immediately after a person that isn’t me or Z locks it. It’s a big deal to me. You know which of my friends sees me the most by who either gets out of my way so I can lock it, or double checks the door is locked behind them before I even get to the door. I demand that my door is locked properly at all times.

Cousin had a hard time with this when they first got here. In Georgia, he and his roommates didn’t lock their front door. Look, I can understand that it’s a house of boys in a small town in Georgia, but come on, there were still neighbors and they didn’t know any of them. The entire first month you heard me every single day asking why my door wasn’t locked, or me commanding him to lock my damn door. It wasn’t unreasonable, though I probably could have been nicer about it, I’ll admit. However, to me it is a carelessness that can get us hurt or robbed. Lock my fucking door.

This leads to a very important rule: Tell us when you’re leaving. They don’t have a key, which means they can’t get in unless someone is home, and they can’t lock the deadbolt. Since they lost their car early on, they don’t have a key, and they don’t know my city, it’s for their safety and my peace of mind to know when they’re leaving, where they’re going and how long they’ll be out. At the very least it means we have a direction to go in if something were to happen to them while out. It also makes sure my fucking door is locked. Considering I have a wacky sleep schedule, this is especially important when I’m asleep and they’re going somewhere. I need to be alerted that the house is about to be empty so that I can LOCK MY DOOR. Being unaware that I’ve been left alone, especially with an improperly locked door, is very scary for me. Just like how I nearly throttled my cat because she somehow kicked one of the window screens out, giving me a rush of panic that she might have gotten out and could be lost, and that someone might have broken in while I was out. I was extra angry when I came in to hear her meowing an “I didn’t do it!” But also extremely relieved because she was safe, all our stuff was safe and she hadn’t damaged the screen. It only occurred to me after I’d taken a deep breath that the door had been properly locked and no idiot would burglarize a home in broad daylight and not at least leave through the front door instead of the tiny ass window only a toddler can fit through.

This leads to this morning, with Zolfyer getting up at 7 to get dressed. He wanted to get his hair cut (he was pretty scruffy, and he doesn’t shave so he gets his goatee shaped up at the barber) before meeting up with T so that they could head to this tournament in New York. Now, I had planned to either confront them about their behavior or force them to visit someone anyway, but I wasn’t expecting Z to come in incredulous and pissed off before 7:30.

You see, Cousin and Fiancee heard him get up. I assume they were awake already or something, since the living room was straightened up (though not enough, since they still left a dirty napkin, a piece of plastic and crumbs all over the table, while their laptop took up space) when Z went out there. They heard him get up and as soon as he went back in our room to get dressed they dashed into the bathroom and rushed to get out of the house before he left the bedroom. Yep, they were that desperate to avoid any interaction with us whatsoever. In fact, I had to feed THEIR ferrets and give them water, because they hadn’t done that in their rush to avoid us.

That in itself made me mad, but I didn’t know about that at first. No, I was more angry, and am still more angry, that they had acted so immaturely over these past two days, and were being so petulant and passive-aggressive that they dashed out of the house. Violating my two most important rules. Z hypothesizes that they assumed, since he was up and would be leaving soon (not that they knew what time he planned to leave, so what does that say about how determined they were to treat us with contempt) that they didn’t need to lock the door or tell us they were leaving so that he’d come lock it.

Except that isn’t what the rules are. The rules are, you must tell someone when you are leaving, regardless of whether they are leaving shortly after you or are awake. This way they can lock the door after you and know that you’re gone and where you’re going. These rules have been in place since they got here. In addition, they’ve been flaunting other rules we set for them, such as clean up the livingroom every day, especially putting the air mattress down and folding your shit up when you choose to sleep on the couch instead. We also asked them to get off the internet at 3am (technically to turn off all electronics, but really we meant get off the internet since that’s primarily what they do), which Cousin doesn’t adhere to, which I wasn’t aware of otherwise I’d have made a big deal about it.

We also had to throw out three sets of tupperware because they make food for Fiancee and then she doesn’t eat it all or throw it out. I didn’t see them all the way in the back of the fridge (and was confused why we were missing tupperware, but we lose them all the time so I didn’t think anything of it) until I saw something weird while putting groceries away. Low and behold moldy food. Her moldy food, because it wasn’t anything I had made for dinner.

I’m tired of them acting like our rules are optional. Like they have an equal stake here and have the ability or luxury to treat us poorly and with contempt. I’m tired of them not caring about our space and our needs and the fact that we get to dictate what is and isn’t appropriate behavior because by Anpu’s fangs this is our fucking house. Our name is on the lease. We allowed you in here. I ALLOWED YOU IN HERE. If I had told Z no, they’d still be in Georgia, stuck hardcore. Yet I’m always the bad guy, shoving my words down their throats, making them miserable and scared to speak up, attacking Cousin for no reason. Always making everything he says a problem. Yet they can’t even follow some simple rules or even clean up after themselves consistently. They can’t respect Z and what he does for them, or his hard work to provide for everyone.

I had to pick up a dead roach a few days ago. Z and I are very clean people. There were two dirty bowls on the coffee table and all four glasses were out of the cabinet, only one in the sink. Crumbs from food everywhere. We tell them to clean up after themselves. To not leave food out. To put their dishes in the sink before they go to sleep. The day before the roach they had pizza and I told them to put their crusts in the garbage and plates in the sink. I come out the next day, at noon and they’re still there, the two of them asleep. It took all of my strength not to go off, Cousin’s excuse was “damn, I knew I forgot something”. They’re right in front of your fucking face, you nasty motherfucker.

So, when they get back, whenever that might be, there will be a discussion. It will not be an argument, because I am not going to argue with them. There is nothing to argue about, because they don’t have the right to argue with me. I have the right to dictate what is and is not appropriate behavior inside my home, and my rules are law. I will not be mistreated, dismissed or treated with contempt any longer. I will not be made uncomfortable in my home by bad guests who disrespect me and my rules. Who think it acceptable to argue with their host about whether they’re allowed to use slurs, or ignore them in totality, who do these things while still using their resources. Who think it acceptable to mistreat friends and guests just because they’re having a tantrum. Who have fucking tantrums all over facebook. I don’t have to tolerate immaturity, selfishness, arrogance or passive-aggression. I’ve had enough of emotional manipulation and abuse. I’ve had enough of being belittled and dismissed and ignored, of having my boundaries stomped on and treated callously. I’ve had enough of somehow always being the bad guy just because I have high standards and expect people to bring their A game if they step to me.

I will not, I will not, I will not have pests in my home because of them or anyone.

Whether they get two weeks or two hours to get out of my house depends entirely on how they act when I lay down my law. I will reestablish ma’at in my home. Zep Tepi is coming, and I’m the one bringing it.

To say this experience has changed us would be an understatement. It is a neutral change, because there are good things and bad things. Zolfyer says he feels angrier and more petty and vindictive. I have to say I feel the same.However, we’ve also learned quite clearly what and where our boundaries are, and we are developing the strength, courage, desire and determination to protect those boundaries and protect our home. It is likely that the negatives will end up hurting innocent others at some point, since we are now more sensitive and liable to lash out or cut off. Beaten dogs bite and all. Nonetheless, we must protect ourselves from abuse and being taken advantage of.

Anubis is a god of many things. Lord of thePavilion. Protector of His Father. I intend to rebalance my home TODAY. For my god is also He Who Is One with Ma’at. More importantly, he is also He Who Brings Calamity on His Enemies. I am his daughter, and this bitch bites.

 

When Ma’at Becomes Isfet 2

The funny thing about life is how easily things can turn around. One day you’re totally doing the right thing, the next you realize you’ve made a horrible mistake, or what you’ve been doing backfires spectacularly. Maybe you were using a routine that worked perfectly, and now find it doesn’t fit you anymore. This certainly ties into my last post, and I’m starting to think I’m in that changeover phase. I’ve realized things are no longer working how they were before, and it’s time to change. Will that mean that I’ll permanently not consider myself a Kemetic anymore, even though I still strongly identify with the religion and its tenets? Possibly, or this could be a pressured sort of situation.

By that I mean, multiple things have come together to force the old out and cause change. I’m a little complacent, yes, quite lazy at times, just as much as I’m dealing with a broken brain and an uncooperative body. Last night I was pondering meditation and came upon why, even though I can meditate, I don’t like to. This train of thought was born of reading a post by someone else (another point I’m going to make later was inspired by reading a post this evening) about movement and dance. Ironically it was not, in fact, Devo, but a witch I follow on tumblr. It made me realize that I also have difficulty quieting my body, much moreso than quieting my mind. It’s not that I can’t sit still, it’s that I have physical problems that make it uncomfortable to sit or lie in certain positions for extended periods. Further, while I can quiet my mind if I try hard enough, I don’t actually want to.

It is almost physically painful for me to quiet my mind. I am a thinker and a dreamer. I have a very loud brain, and it loves to craft ideas. More importantly, it’s depressed and anxious, it’s also angry (that’s what happens when you are told repeatedly that your emotions are too intense, invalid, shouldn’t exist and then heap abuse on top of it). It’s quite painful to have my brain sit still for any extended length. Even when I’m going to sleep, it’s busy. It’s also boring, but that’s something else entirely. I never really considered it that deeply before, but there it is. Am I willing to do it? Yes, I’ve meditated successfully before with visualizations. Even then, however, we can see that I’m not sitting in the total silence, blank mind sort of meditation.

As I said in my last post, I don’t intend to drop Anpu. I don’t intend to completely abandon what I know and love. Perhaps I should do some divination (something I’ve been avoiding because I’m nervous. I can tell that I’d get better readings if I worked intuitively instead of with the cards’ ascribed meanings, but I know I have sock puppet syndrome sometimes, and yay anxiety for making everything hard). Perhaps I should just poke around or toss a flare into the netjeru’s space. Lost puppy to a good home. Bakes. Has cat. Stubborn, not terribly consistent, easily bored, skittish. It would certainly be something, but I don’t know yet.

Starting on a new path and maintaining it was ma’at. It is now becoming stale, burdensome and useless. Isfet. I must either change my path or abandon it entirely, I must maintain ma’at.

I already elaborated on the biggest pain in the ass part of my life. I’d like to touch on some other things here. First about this movement as meditation part. I don’t know if that’s a good alternative for me. For one thing, I don’t have a lot of space, and anyone who has ever done yoga with pets knows that they get in the way. My kitten, for example, loves to be underfoot for reasons we can’t comprehend. We’ve nearly hurt her more than once because she walked right up behind us and under a raised foot. Really though, lack of space is a big factor, along with self-consciousness. I was thinking for a while that I could sing, but that takes more effort than one might think, and I’d potentially be doing it for several songs. Even just the change over would be distracting. Then I was thinking meditating with my plants, which I will likely give a try at some point. I’m going to keep trying to come up with other ideas as well.

Then there’s still magic. I plan to work more extensively with my plants and hopefully find info on devas and individual spirits. Water is a harder one for me, I don’t live objectively close to any bodies of water and I know that physical proximity helps me a lot. I recently found some nice sigil resources and need to go through those. I’d also like to learn more about clairsentience (touchy-touchy me) and other touch-based magic, therapies and divination. I also need to play around with what I’ve got, since I can feel in my bones that I’d get better readings from my cards if I did it by intuition.

Shadow work. I know I need to do shadow work. I will be honest and say I’m afraid. I’m also stubborn, because in some ways, for some things, with certain people, I don’t want to let things go. Very common thought process, I’m sure. Perhaps this is also why my practice and relationship went sour. Anpu did mention shadow work quite frequently. Even Dapper has scolded me for avoiding it, not that he should talk. I have very intense emotions. For someone who wasn’t taught healthy ways to handle intense emotions, trying to confront them and the fact they’ve been pent up and compounded for years is terrifying. It’s also angering, because I shouldn’t have to do this. I shouldn’t have to do this and the people who hurt me should be sorry and should have been sorry sooner.

I see why Kali wants me. She certainly knows all about getting carried away by strong emotions. Anpu is a god of change, which I brought up a few posts ago. Perhaps these things will get sorted out once my house is whole and calm and aired out.

I mentioned that there was another post I had read. This was about cocoons and change. I wasn’t expecting it, but it was certainly timely. It described reasons why one might feel a witchy change, a witchy cocoon phase, would be happening and the “symptoms” you might feel as it happens. I certainly feel like I’m going through that right now. It’s difficult.

I still feel like I’d benefit from a louder, more active god and more structure. It’s hard to find structure that works when your mind is very fluid. It’s always moving and always wants to move. Crochet is probably the only thing that really matches both structure and fluidity, but at the same time it’s very stimulating and creative. I suppose I could try that, since I do like making simpler things with the knowledge I know as opposed to following complex patterns. It depends on my mood. It just seems both difficult and silly to really meditate or even try to astral while crocheting. There are moments of focus necessary, even with simple designs and stitches. Won’t hurt to try though right?

Any suggestions for me out there? For example, where can I get a decent, tiny cauldron? Like, just bowl sized or something. Also, someone remind me to get cheap red pots as well, and a red pen, and ingredients for baking and yummy foods. I intend to celebrate wep ronpet this year, because I honestly feel like I need to. New year, new path, new god, new me. I may also reach out to Aset, I hear this is a special week for her. I haven’t talked to her in a while, and perhaps she or one of the other goddesses can help me here. I admit freely to being too scared of Kali to work with Her, it has kept me out of shrine honestly. They say all goddesses are one goddess in Hinduism, and there is quite a bit of overlap. I imagine it won’t hurt to ask Kali to be a little less frightening, or gentle, to give me a nudge or something in the right direction. A few hints perhaps of where or how I should look for information. (HINT HINT KALI, HINT HINT ANPU, HUMANS ARE HARDHEADED)

I love this religion a lot. I love these gods a lot. I love this community a lot. I just need more help. Something to go on, some direction, something that even my stubbornly fluid, lazy brain can happily latch on to and do. Or at least relentless pursuit and nagging until I get shit done (jk, that doesn’t work that well). I’m tired of long ass Fallow Times. I’m definitely tired of being unable to contact Dapper. I am tired of this cluttered apartment in this cluttered city where my windows view concrete and asphalt. Where are my plants, I need leafy hugs.

I do wonder what I’ll accomplish if I start working with my plants. Finding information on working with plant devas and individual plant spirits is a pain. Most green and plant magic is all about herbs and oils and whatnot. While I don’t mind that, I don’t have the luxury of doing that type of spellcraft, because I don’t have space for the plants and I don’t really cook with fresh herbs. My typical seasoning is mixed, so kitchen witchery is kind of weird. I can’t afford to just buy things willy nilly either. It’s so hard to really figure out what I want and what I need. I really just don’t know what I need and can’t articulate it.

Until then I’ll play around and just focus on planning for wep ronpet. Mayhaps I’ll finally join the KO beginner’s class. I don’t like their application honestly. I can understand it, and understand the reasoning for the questions on it. I just don’t like being asked those questions. They’re difficult to answer (which I suppose is the point), but they’re also often used to judge me and make things unnecessarily difficult. Sort of like “why do you want to work here” at job interviews. I’m lost and need help, y’all have pre-established structure and stuff. It may be time to break out Eternal Egypt again. Been a while since I read that. I’m ok with that though. Now if only I was any good at song-writing or music making and then I could sing.

I’m also wondering if I could make it a habit to pray or otherwise give offerings at sundown or something. Sundown is a little inconvenient, if only because it often happens around dinner time, which would be good for offerings I suppose. There’s always dawn and sunrise, but I’m not a morning person, and further I’ll be starting school soon. Sunset may be better. We’ll see, I may give it a try. 21 days to build a habit right?

Now it’s getting early, 5:33 am. I’m gonna play with my plants and cards for a bit, because why not? I am a horizon child, this is my time.