2 am Tarot

So, today I was having a crisis (not technically “today” since it started around 1am). One of my friends is in dire need right now, and there’s not much more I can do to help. She’s in a suicidal state and I’m afraid I may lose her. There will be a phone call in the morning to check on her, but there’s only so much I can do now. However, this means sleep is not forthcoming. As such, I grabbed my tarot cards.

Now, it’s a replacement deck because my last Shadowscapes essentially committed seppuku. I don’t know why they didn’t like me, that deck just never gave me anything useful or nice or at least sensical. So, I bought a replacement deck. The difference lies in the details however, because my original deck I purchased online, but my replacement deck I bought at a metaphysics shop. It was surrounded by other decks, incense, books, and various items of spirituality and tended by a staff of caring people with caring owners. It’s very lovely and very friendly. I’m glad I bought it there. I decided to take cues from SatSekhem and use them to communicate with Anpu, and later Set and probably Sekhmet, as well as just for myself with no particular deity being bothered. It will be multipurpose until I can afford other decks. It doesn’t seem to mind so far.

I grabbed it with the explicit purpose of talking with Anpu. I was upset (still am) and needed to be sure that I heard Him clearly when asking Him my questions. And quite frankly I was slightly surprised and very, very happy when He responded very clearly. I asked what was the best way for me to help my friend through her crisis, and I got a realistic answer: be honest and truthful, be vigilant, be ready to draw on inner strength. I asked again and got a pretty similar answer. He wasn’t making promises in this situation, which I can appreciate.

Out of frustration, I asked if He loved me and cared about me. Then I went to shuffle and it failed. I bridge my cards, that’s how I learned to shuffle, that’s how I always shuffle. As anyone who shuffles this way knows, it doesn’t always work, the cards don’t overlap or they won’t push together and you have to pull them apart and try again or they go all over the place. Well, I fail shuffled in the former way. I also noticed I was shuffling the cards face up, and saw two cards and instinct went that’s His answer.

My question: Do you love me? Do you care?

My answer: Yes. King of Swords, Six of Cups.

King of Swords says: “like the vertical sword he holds at the ready, he is a pillar of strength and morality. A warrior king, his sword is always drawn, and he is prepared to spring into action.”

My mind and heart immediately went YES THAT’S IT. Anpu is telling me yes, that He will be like the king of swords.

Six of Cups says: “a reminder of childhood innocence, good intentions, noble impulses, simple joys and pleasures.” I am still trying to puzzle this one out honestly, but I get the feeling that Anpu is implying He’s been around for a while in my life.

I took some time to think and calm down and be comforted by the clear and direct answers I just got before repeating the first question I had. How do I help my friend? Queen of Cups, Seven of Cups and Ten of Pentacles. Still torn on how to interpret those cards.

So I chilled out some more and decided to ask a different question, for myself. “How do I improve my relationship with TB and make sure it’s happy and healthy for the very long term (specifically, until we die)?” I did this reading three times.

Ace of Swords, Knight of Swords, Six of Swords

Page of Swords, Two of Pentacles, Ace of Swords

Five of Swords, Two of Pentacles, Ace of Swords

Obviously the Ace of Swords had something to say to me! XD So, I sat it aside and asked it “what truth are you trying to reveal?” (or rather, what truth is being obstructed?). I drew the Ten of Wands, which is about overextending, being overwhelmed, doing things the hard way. Being thoroughly baffled I asked if this card was saying that this overextension and overwhelming was obstructing my long term relationship happiness. I drew the King of Cups. Ok, seems I’m on to something, since the King of Cups is about wisdom and understanding and patience. I asked how can I remove the obstacles to a healthy, happy relationship with TB and drew the Nine of Wands. Vigilence.

Temperance also jumped out during a shuffle fail while I was thinking of the question. The Two of Pentacles runs along a similar vein as Temperance, both cards are about balance and flexibility. Temperance, specifically, says: “harmony and equilibrium, balancing of opposites, healing. Moderation of extremes, self-restraint, harnessing absolute forces and reining them in to be wielded for a purpose. Holding opposites apart from one another denies their power of unity.” So yeah. It seems to be suggesting a lot, I’m still not sure how to interpret all of it, especially with the Page, Six and Five of Swords mixed in, but it seems helpful what I’ve gleaned so far.

Did another reading, this time with the question “How can I ensure a long, healthy, happy relationship with TB?” Got King of Pentacles, The Emperor, and, guess what, Ace of Swords. I asked it “what’s the obstacle in the way of the truth you’re trying to reveal?” and drew, the Wheel of Fortune. Umm, can someone tell me why I’m getting all these major arcana? O.o

King of Pentacles: “He(referring to the card) is an enterprising individual, a man possessing multifarious talents. He has the golden touch of Midas.” (TB is a lot like the King of Pentacles, but I’m not sure if I should apply this to him since I was asking what could do to make things go well.)

The Emperor: “Creating order out of chaos, authority, leadership, strength, establishing law and order. The Emperor is a man rooted in his ways and views and regimens but confidant that this is the right structure and way of things.”

Wheel of Fortune says:”Destiny–the weaving of life’s threads coming together, fate, turning points, movement and change, patterns and cycles, an interconnected world.”

I asked the Ace of Swords again “what is the truth you’re trying to reveal?” and got Ten of Pentacles.

Ten of Pentacles: “Enjoying affluence and being able to appreciate luxury and the good fortune that has befallen you. The ultimate in worldly success, the result of long-term efforts.”

Finally I asked the Ace of Swords “how is the Wheel of Fortune a hindrance to the Ten of Pentacles? How is it an obstacle?” and drew The Hermit.

The Hermit: “Being introspective, seeking solitude, withdrawing from the world and giving or receiving guidance.”

Still baffled, I asked the Ace what this meant for my relationship. The Seven of Wands fell out face up when I was shuffling and I drew the Ace of Pentacles.

Seven of Wands: “Take a stand, defend what you believe in. The world is full of strife and stiff competition and one must have the courage in facing the difficulties that come.”

Ace of Pentacles: “The possibility of prosperity, abundance and security. It is the promise of wealth and well-being, of flourishing and of reaping the rewards of hard work.”

I think, for now, I’ll hold off on the interpretations. If any of you have any ideas, feel free to have a go at it 😀 but, I see positive things in the future, so that gives me hope and some ease.

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It Just Can’t Be Easy Can It?

So, today I decided I’d pull out my tarot cards. I haven’t bothered them in ages, and I was feeling better than my post from a couple of days ago. See here for details. Anyway, I take the cards out, bring them downstairs, only to notice that one of the cards is severely stained.

This is the most damaged card…

I start separating to see how many other cards have been damaged, only to find that they’re stuck together. Three stuck together, two stuck together, four stuck together. In total, fourteen cards were stuck together. The one above is my Seven of Pentacles. The second most damaged card is Four of Swords. which was completely stuck. It was like they were one card. The others were only stuck at a corner, maybe two, though one set was stuck at three. But, they were severely damaged when pulled apart.

Here’s the Four of Swords. I had to pen the title at the bottom because I could barely read the original text

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I have no idea what happened to them. I bought a box for their safekeeping and that box seems to have turned on me, because that purple stain on the first card is from said box’s lining. These are the beautiful Shadowscapes Tarot deck and I’m very upset they’ve been damaged, especially because I have no money to replace them. It sucks. As an added bonus they cards ended up warped, though that’s been mostly remedied by a solid book and change jar. I just don’t understand why Tarot cards seem to hate me. I did a spread with them, despite their state, a spread I read about in this blog article to try and figure out what the Deck Spirit is like and what it’s good and not good at.

I know these aren’t great pictures, but the cards are a tad on the large side. The vertical column of three is supposed to be the Deck Spirit’s personality, while the center card is what the deck is good at and the end card is what it’s bad at. The two extra cards making a second row are clarification cards for the center “What I’m good at” card. I’ll tell you what each card is.

At the very top in the personality column is the Nine of Wands. The card under it is the Ten of Cups, followed by the Two of Pentacles. This suggestions a bit of a jovial spirit, one who is vigilant and flexible.

The center card which says what the deck is good at is the Two of Swords. Completely baffled here as the booklet says this card represents a stalemate, an impasse, and a denial of truth. I’m not sure what this means. Perhaps it’s good for conflicts? Or perhaps a conflict somewhere in me or the house (and its spirits) or the Deck Spirit(s) blocks its power? I have no idea.

The card which says what the deck isn’t good at is the Three of Wands. Now, the booklet’s description of this card reads as follows: “Explore, seek out the uncharted, expand your horizons. Take a long view of situations, and express leadership.” I really don’t know what this says about what the deck is bad at. Perhaps it’s not good for seeing the future?

Now, the clarification cards I pulled for the Two of Swords are the Knight of Pentacles and the Four of Cups. Once again, the booklet descriptions are not exactly the most enlightening in this context. The Knight is described as a conqueror. He knows exactly what he’s after and where it is and once he gets there he uses all the power at his disposal to take it. The Four speaks of introspection and being too deeply absorbed in oneself, so much so that everything else fades.

I can’t decide if this is a direct dig at me by the cards or what. I’m totally thrown and clueless here.

As an upside though, I was able to get some quiet time to sit with Sekhmet and the Jackals in shrine today. I have a reed diffuser that I haven’t used yet, it’s patchouli and jasmine, so I put a couple drops of the oil on Their candles and prayed for a bit and offered Them water. I don’t know what else to do really, because I’m not allowed to bring food upstairs and I don’t need ants. I’m also not much for “formal” ritual, in other words all the actions and such. I might start swiping some liturgy from Eternal Egypt or something. I’m still road blocked on writing poetry for the Jackals and Sekhmet. If anyone has any thoughts, comments, questions, or concerns on either this or the cards, I’d be more than happy to hear them!

This is the Post that Killed Me

So, I’ve fought with this blog post for like, three or four days. It’s not that what I want to talk about is particularly troublesome or anything, no, it’s just that my brain would go bleh when I sat down to write it. Trying to force the issue never helped, so alas it stuck around for a couple of days as an abstract concept. In the meantime, I have a scarf to finish crocheting as a gift to a friend, a stuffed animal to make for Nephew, and something abstract that I haven’t decided yet to make for Anpu. That last one just got added on as I was writing, I’m assuming He wants one lol

Anyway, back to reality, I recently received an oracle reading from a great blogger who is a follower of Hecate. Here it is: “You recognize your weakness before your strength, that’s your first, most limitating boundary. Look deeper into that issue that concerns you and change your angle- you will find  that the door you persist in believing locked is anything but. There’s no limits in there but those you imposed on yourself. Move past that mindset and the key will appear evident and fully into your reach.”

I’m still wrapping my head around that. I’m tempted to ask for clarification, but not only do I not want to pester SBC, I’m also aware that deities are not the sort to just hand over all the answers most of the time. Sometimes they make it really obvious, but that’s hardly the norm. I know the oracle seems rather straightforward, but I’ve no idea what Hecate is actually referring to as the locked door. I already know the first sentence, that’s something I’m aware of and have been for a long time. It’s the rest that boggles me. I had like ten questions I really wanted to ask, but I didn’t, because it’s ten questions and I wasn’t the only one waiting for an oracle XD so I went with “just whatever She can think of”. Yeah, and I got that lol

I was thinking of asking Wepwawet or Anpu, but Wepwawet likes to be cryptic too, mainly because it amuses Him. I guess I just don’t want to bother Anpu with it. I’m not sure, I just haven’t bothered I guess. Quite frankly I’m still working on getting to know the Jackals and I don’t want to be asking a million and ten questions just because I’ve got Their ears. Which, I guess is a bit ironic since asking questions is how you get to know people. Ugh, I’m really terrible at this aren’t I? I wish this were easier, or perhaps that I wasn’t so insecure that I’m doing things wrong. It’s hard because I’m easily excited and as such try and be skeptical about perceived answers and such. That and I get a lot of negative thoughts in my head and I don’t want to mistake them as being from a higher being. And I’m talking negative like doubts and a variety of depressed thoughts.

That’s actually why I no longer use my Tarot cards. I keep getting these super negative readings from them and I honestly don’t know why. I’m actually about to start looking for cleansing rituals and such for the cards and the house in general that don’t involve incense because of this. Speaking of which, if anyone has any suggestions I’d welcome them. I can’t use incense in the house, everyone who lives here has sensitive noses, allergies, and asthma. Incense is a no-no as much as I’d love to have some. Maybe the problem is the ghosts in the house. If you’ve read some of my other posts you’ll know that my great-grandparents and my grandfather all float around the house when they feel like it. They also were devout Christians in life, so it is possible that they aren’t very happy about my choice of spiritual path. In life they weren’t really the sort to interfere in the sense of making threats or whatever, but as far as I know they were all about telling you the bad things that could happen.

I doubt they like my Tarot cards or my gods coming in the house. I wasn’t having most of these problems before my first tarot deck, so perhaps that is a reason? Who knows, I just want to be left alone to be happy with my boyfriend and my gods and have happy relationships with my family and friends.

See, and part of the reason this weirdness going on in my house sucks is because it’s hard enough for me to get things going. I’m getting acquainted with deities, I’m trying to find a job, I have bills to pay and trying to save, and I have a relationship to not implode. As an added bonus I’m getting re-interested in divination, but I don’t trust my Tarot or pendulum to be helpful because past experience says they aren’t consistent or trustworthy. I don’t really know what to do, and I don’t want to be a pest to my Jackals. After all, we’re still getting acquainted and I’m already running my mouth over the job situation. I know They care, I practically hear the rolling eyes at this neurotic 20-year old girl running in circles like she’s being chased by bees in a flower field. I know, but I’m still running in circles and don’t know how to stop.