Decisions and Health Update

My health isn’t significantly worse than the last time I wrote on here (knock on wood). Mostly just more persistent, pronounced weakness, that apparently greatly dislikes stress because it often gets worse when I’m anxious and running around. More muscular pain and joint pain as well, and the numbness and paresthesia are now in all four limbs, though it doesn’t affect my arms and hands as much.

 

My neurologist still doesn’t know what’s going on, she did another MRI of my brain, and did one of my cervical spine, zilch. Now I’m trying physical therapy and trying to get in to see a rheumatologist. Physical therapy assessment posits me as having hyperreflexia, balance problems and a couple other things. It’s nice to have objective proof that something is wrong and I’m not just crazy.

 

The last month I’ve been struggling with some decisions though. I very much want to go back to school, but I’m not certain about it. I can’t do another round of health breakdown, fail/drop out. I would be crushed to face that disappointment, waste of time, energy and money, again. I really want to be a nurse, but I’m no longer confident that I could finish a program. I was thinking of doing an LPN program, they’re typically a year, but even then. I’m not even sure there’s one that I could do evenings. The ones closest to my residence are day time, and I work a full time job.

 

I started thinking about social work or psychology/counseling. Yes, they need a master’s degree, but I imagine that’s less intense than nursing school. I’ve also been doing research on being a nursing student with disabilities, not that it’ll matter if I can’t get a diagnosis before next fall. At least if I do social work I can start in the spring. I like mental health care and just helping people in general, but I also really enjoy clinical work, which is why I like being a medical assistant. I don’t know what to do or how to do it. I just really need a clear, indisputable, unignorable sign about which direction to take myself school wise.

 

In the meantime I have been considering how best to set up my house so I can start my practice back. With a toddler I want to be careful about smoke and low lying objects, but I also need it to be low spoons, especially since Kali is deserving of my attention and I’m sure Anpu has work for me to do. It’s hard trying to find resources on culturally correct, low spoons, low budget (cuz I’m broke and can’t afford to not eat offerings) worship of the Devi.

If anybody has some advice I’ll hear it. Or maybe some divination suggestions. I’m tired.

Frustration

I’m very frustrated right now. My health is back and forth rather constantly the last month. I’m not even sure what it could be anymore, although currently MS fits the bill best. Sometimes though, I do wonder if it’s all in my head. Is that such a bad thing? No, not necessarily, but if it isn’t and I ignore it, well that’s a bad thing. My symptoms mostly just don’t add up, or they wax and wane so erratically that I can’t necessarily make heads or tails of them. What’s important? What’s just random? Will this particular symptom stay? Is this a product of insomnia, or albuterol, heat or just because I’m thinking about it? For example, increased heart rate, blood pressure and trembling, albuterol side effects that I’ve had before and readily recognize. Sometimes though, they’re there anyway, even though I haven’t used my inhaler or had any caffeine. Even then, my shaking isn’t usually this bad unless I used my nebulizer, and I haven’t used that thing in literally two years. It actually needs to be replaced. So why is it so much more intense lately? I don’t know.

Then there’s this whole religion thing. I’ve been too tired or sick lately to really get much of anything from anyone. I wish it would rain, I’ve been having a hell of a lot more clarity and calm when it’s rained ever since I started trying to connect more with the weather and water as a whole. I’m also reminding myself that one can be Kemetic without the gods, not that I necessarily want to be godless. I’ve spent several mornings greeting Heqat and Qebechet, because why not? One is my good friend’s “grandmother” and the other is one I’ve always been interested in. Maybe I’ll just surround myself with ladies, because I also thought of Serket. It makes me think of an old dream where four or five goddesses were watching me walk through a corridor. They were observing me like scientists, but also guiding me.

Earlier in the month, I had a dream about carnelian beads, a prayer necklace with a pendulum at the end. I have no idea what the thing as a whole means, but certainly not with the pendulum. I own a pendulum, but it’s quartz, not copper or gold (could have been bronze, it was yellow-y and metal, I dunno) like the dream necklace. There were also statues of a fox, wolf and Anpu. His statue wasn’t the focus, and it was above my head, something important to me because, as a short person, I’m more likely to look down for something than up. I often find things on a lower shelf than taller people and look under things first. They often see things over my head. Basically, it means he’s staying out of the way, where I won’t see him. I only just now thought of this because I was remembering grocery shopping this weekend and completely missing things I was looking for because they were on a top shelf. The fox and wolf statues though, they were just above eye level, where I frequently look for things. They were warped, but the fox was smiling. Zolfyer’s fox promised me help if I was her liaison to him. I haven’t taken her up on the offer.

I honestly feel more receptivity from the goddesses. Perhaps I needed to go through all this frustration and such. I dunno, but this morning I reached out and got Aset. Quite clearly at that. Really, I was poking at Anpu, asking what was I supposed to do now, was I supposed to move on, are you listening? I kinda blew it off, wondering if anyone would listen to me. Low and behold, a familiar feeling, and then Aset. “I’ll listen to you.” Devo made a suggestion when I told her about my dream with the prayer beads/pendulum (which also included my mother telling me she had the same beads, showing me the carnelian string that was twice as long as my actual prayer beads) that I sit with them and see what impressions I get. I haven’t really had the energy or concentration, and I’ll admit that I was rather jaded and ticked off too, but recently I did and I couldn’t quite figure out who or what it was. It felt familiar, and definitely feminine, insistent too, but at the time I was very distracted and exhausted. So, who knows. Another dream comes to mind, a scene of Aset arguing with Anpu about his plans and walking away crying. Perhaps she was upset at his plan to teach me to be self-reliant and look for what I really want and what can genuinely work for me, even if it’s hard and annoying and incredibly frustrating. Even if it makes me feel abandoned.

So many perhaps’ and possibilities. So much frustration.

MoWD- Together

Together we dance, like a parent and child

I stomp my feet, and walk on your toes

You wait patiently as I try to keep up.

I’m terrible at it, pushing and pulling,

swinging and shouting.

Impatient, despite the music being slow.

You’re willing to hold me,

but I want to dance by myself.

So I twirl in circles, and fall to the ground

dizzy and laughing.

I do it again, and then I fall down

crying because I feel sick.

You wait patiently while I try to keep up.

Sometimes you pick me up,

but very often you wait.

Wait for me to call you, in my infinite stubbornness.

Wait for me to ask you, in my infinite hardheadedness.

Sometimes I stick my fingers in my ears,

playing that catchy song, not realizing you could punish me.

Insolent child, patient father.

Sometimes you’re not close enough

and other times, I’m so busy crying I cannot hear you.

Sometimes you just wait until I calm down.

And you are there, when I turn around

Ready to dance again.

MoWD-Who?

Who would have thought, that little me would find You?

That I could reach out, in childishness and excitement,

To find Someone there?

You hear me, You see me, silent and salient.

Ah, the pain of your quietude, how it frightens my noisy mind.

But You are there, You are there, even when I can’t feel You.

The gentlest touch, the sternest expression.

Is that why they call you Strong of Face?

Despite my protests, You return.

Even when I transgress, You don’t turn me away.

Though I am fickle, You do not bite.

Is this why they call you Lord of Ma’at?

I shudder in delight at Your grace, Lord of Knives.

The sunrise hails you, Lord of Heaven.

The sunset praises you, Lord of Light.

Here I am, calling Your names.

Here I am, praising your horizon.

I am here, at your altar.

Never stop forgiving me

Your idiot daughter.

Month of Written Devotion

So, The Jackal’s Dance’s post reminded me that this was happening. I’ll be participating, although I’ve had a lot going on today so I’m going to post today’s and tomorrow’s tomorrow. Here’s the link for myself and anyone who wants to participate as well. Today is a sort of welcome post, the prompt is

1. Who? – Deity, spirit or chosen devotion for the month

Tomorrow is

1. How? – How did you become involved with your devotional topic?

 

Quiet Jackals and Silent Wolves

In January I had a very serious mental health crisis. I probably should have gone to the hospital, it was that serious. However, I am poor and black and Z doesn’t know enough about mental health and the health system to know when to take me and how to keep me safe and cared for once I’m there. It was rough. The issue of mental health in the pagan community is a touchy topic. There are a lot of people with issues, and way too much fluffy, bad abusive, nasty or ableist advice for them. There’s good advice obviously, but oh do humans love to fling shit. I avoided this issue by not bringing it up outside of my safe spaces where I’m surrounded by supportive, loving people who know what I’m talking about when I mention my suffering. Yesterday one of those people made an interesting post responding to something on tumblr. One of her suggestions for resolving the problem she discussed is what has finally brought me back to my blog.

One of the problems I had during this severe bout of depression and suicidality was paranoia. Truly I have not felt such powerful paranoia in my short life, especially towards my spiritual life. The fact that I’ve been harassed by a malevolent spirit for two or three months only magnified the issue. I couldn’t discern anything. Was I being tricked? Was I being attacked? Is this really Dapper or Anpu, Kali or Aset? Even though I cleansed and warded and purified, was my house still vulnerable? Was I? Did I cut the link the spirit was using to hurt me? Were Z’s nightmares tied to this? Was Dapper ok? Was any of this even real or a very long lasting and elaborate delusion? Was I sicker and crazier than I ever thought I was? What if I had really done nothing but hallucinate, or worse, I’d been abandoned?

I can attest the post-breakdown Fallow Time is one of the most difficult and agonizing types of Fallow Periods. It felt like everything was wrong, like nothing was real, like I couldn’t be sure about anything. The fact I do derealize when my depression is very severe made it worse. Even the slightest nudge or attempt to contact was muddled and confused. I couldn’t figure out what anyone was saying or what anyone wanted, if I was even sensing them, if I was doing it correctly (I know, silly to think you could feel something incorrectly, but you’d be surprised if you don’t have a sensory issue or mental health problem and have a firm security in your perception of sensations). One thing that still pops up is whether I’m actually even wanted or poking around at the “right god”. Does Anpu really want me? Am I bothering Him or being useful in any way? Should I reach out to other gods? Am I even actually sensing other gods? Do they want me? Would any of this shit I’m thinking about doing be even the least bit useful or beneficial?

Why, oh why, dear gods and goddesses, was it so. fucking. unbearably. horrifically. silent?

Not that it mattered that it was silent. In the intensity of my fear and paranoia that I was being tricked or suckered by an opportunistic spirit or the bitch demon who attacked me made me shove away anything I did sense in abject panic. I didn’t (and don’t) know if my wards are anything more than pathetic little screens, with the gracious help of three and a half plants (cuttings of two of the plants, still just branches with little roots) and a dinosaur. I don’t know if my cleansing and purification, all the magic and heka I attempted, actually worked and will keep that spirit bitch away. I don’t know if her hold is broken. And for whatever reason every divination I’ve done (asked for from others, and not done for myself) keeps mentioning being wary of new help from nowhere and new people.

While my panic has settled down immensely, the worry and concern is still there. Especially because I still don’t know what to do about Anpu. See, it’s not that he’s ever mean or anything, nothing of the sort, I just don’t know what to make of him. I get this sense when I look at him. It isn’t anger or rejection or anything clear and obvious, it’s simply a very uncomfortable and confusing sensation. It incites worry. More like he’s looking at me, wondering what exactly to do with me. I’ve had this feeling ever since I started down this path, and it has made me question my path choice just as much as my god choice. However, I always come back here, because even though plenty of religions make sense to me and have elements I’m looking for, this is the one that works, sorta, and I’m trying not to give up or dish out when there isn’t precisely anything wrong and nothing else is reaching out to me the same way.

I know that Dapper doesn’t come as close, probably worried that his presence is bad for my health or could adversely affect me or attract attention. His concern has some rational basis, I’ve found that I cannot try and actively astral anymore and need to be wary of physical-astral contact or connection. It seems to aggravate whatever it is that causes me to twitch and shake even a year past when I initially went to the hospital. Magic on this plane is also a little harder and wears me out more. Not to mention, Dapper does have enemies and interacts with less than savory characters (his job is not an easy one) and is very strong. His weak, mewling human is an easy target. Especially easy when she can barely control any magic, astral transformations or effectively ward. I wouldn’t be surprised if Anpu asked him to stay back for a while as well.

I mention all this to a purpose, not simply to inform or lament that my mental health sucks (which it does). My friend’s suggestion in that tumblr post was that, a way to help others is write to them about your experiences and how you deal with it. Help others learn to cope and change the narrative. Unfortunately I can’t say I have any sage advice, since I’m only just pushing past the giant wall in my spirit between me and my shrine and still struggling to figure out what I do next. But, I want people to know they aren’t alone in their suffering at least, that I understand such problems, such pain, down to my bones. Heh, even my shadow shudders in pain at times, and I feel my astral wolf self bare fangs and growl. She doesn’t like the pressure and agony of depression either.

Plenty of people will tell you a truth, that it is possible to get through it, that things change and get better. I also understand your truth, that change is a long time coming more often than not, that relief is usually difficult and very incomplete and often rife with fear that it will break again, which it usually does.  I understand the truth that knowing relief will come rarely brings as much hope as we’d like, or eases the stranglehold of our broken spirits. We know it’s supposedly temporary, that our minds are telling us lies so powerful it shakes our bodies, our faith, our souls. We know many truths intellectually. We also know one particularly bitter truth, and that is that the lies feel so intense, so true, that it can be easier to believe them sometimes, or to ignore the truths of hope, because waiting for that hope to manifest is unbearable. Because being told those truths can cause the clamp of our illness’ lies to worsen, because sure we know we’ll get relief in theory, but when will it come? And when it does come, will it last, and will I survive to get there? That is one of the hardest questions to ask, because it is so difficult to answer.

It sucks. To put it far, far too simply. The fear hurts. The doubt hurts. The stifling silence definitely hurts. But you’re not by yourself. Even though the tension is suffocating, I’ve got a cozy blanket and your favorite hot drink. I’ve got your pet and my pet and we can watch them play. Tell me your favorite internet thing and what encouragement you really need and I’ll always show up when I see you suffering with those things. You’ve got a friend here. Misery loves company for many reasons.

Maybe we can try and come up with ways to hold out until the crashing stops together. Or at least I’ll crawl out of my hole and remind you that I care, that I appreciate your presence. That even if I don’t say much I’m peeking out from under my rock, looking at you with the eyes of a kitten, wondering if you’re ok, if you need me to jump out at you and half-startle you into a smile and wrestle with your feet. And if you do, I’ll bring damn near anything I can possibly bring to give you even a smidgen of relief. So, there’s that at least.

Too Much, Not Enough

Yesterday was a busy day intellectually for me. Interesting things were read, interesting things were discussed. It makes me wonder if I’m trying to do too much, or if I’m not doing enough. What started this cascade of thinking was this post by Briar on The Jackal’s Dance. I had come to wordpress to write a post musing on the implications of finding too much reality in your fiction and saw her post. I jumped right on it since I have a bad habit of not checking my reader enough. Her post punched me in the limbic system and I stared at it for a few minutes, wondering what the heck I was supposed to do with it. All I could think for those minutes was “why is your post in my head!”

It stomped all over exactly what my problem has been for these last two years (holy shit it really has been that long hasn’t it?). Worry, comparison, looking for too much to do and not enough at what I needed. Briar’s post is about her dealing with the thought that maybe she’s not supposed to get special work, and being ok with that. Not everyone is going to look like Devo or Aubs, who not only have a lot of work but different gods.

Then came the flailing about what he wanted from me.  Loving myself, loving him, the poetry–that was all good, but wasn’t there Work of some kind?  Work that would go back to the Kemetic community–was I meant to be a priestess, or divination worker, or [insert role here]…something?

“Loving yourself is work enough,” Anubis would tell me.  “Don’t model you relationship with me after others’.  Those others are not you.”

–Quoted from The Jackal’s Dance

This particular part of her post is really what resonated with me. All of my pagan friends have Work. Or at least, the ones I talk to the most and consider my mentors do. So, naturally, I wanted work too. It’s like being the four year old little sister, you follow your big sisters around, trying to do what they’re doing. I poked and prodded and whined until something was given to me, and it isn’t really going anywhere. Perhaps it’s not going anywhere because it isn’t really meant for me, at least not yet. I’ve been feeling like I’ve missed points for a while now, like I’m lacking something. I always figured it was Work, something to do, but now it seems like I’m missing the point that something to do is just as likely to be devotion.

I’ve been slowly reading the book What is Hinduism? by the Himalayan Academy. In case anyone missed the memo, Kali has come calling, banging on the door. Anpu let her in, which is fine, the only reason I avoided the Hindu pantheon is out of worry that I’d be disrespectful to the people who worship those gods and to the gods themselves. Either she’s more patient than I expected or Anpu is a hell of a diplomat (I’m wagering both, but especially the latter) but she has insisted I learn. The book talks about the four major sects and some of the yogas, including bhakti. Right now I’m only on chapter 3, which discusses the nature of god, the soul and moksha. I actually asked myself what I was aiming for, in general. I wasn’t aiming for any of this stuff was I? This complicated mess of Work and community and such? Was I even aiming for moksha? No, I really wasn’t, I just didn’t want to feel left out and lonely, a problem I’ve had for years. An unnecessary fear, because my friends are cooler and more loving than that.

I think, also, that I’m worried I’m not doing enough. I’m not looking for drama or spectacular stunts. Nor am I seeking praise or status. I just want to feel like I’m actually doing something to please them, and I was taught to please a god you do more than just worship. There’s jobs to do, there’s stuff to get done and you’re supposed to ask for it. Not getting it usually means a shortcoming of some kind, either you’re not ready (technically not in itself a shortcoming), or some other problem. I don’t know. But, thinking on it, most people are not priests or holy women or anything special, they just do what they can and devote themselves how they will. Ma’at is not all about the fancy rites and special heka, right action comes in little things too. Devotion to the gods is just as important on the small scale. Though I still feel like I’d like a job to do, I need to take a page from Briar, and just focus on me and my relationship to the gods.

And The Road Wanders

With the blessings of Anpu I have officially started learning about Hinduism. It’s been following me around since I learned about it many years ago. There was always something about it that enticed me, and now that I’m really focusing on learning about it and its many, many parts I can clearly see why. It’s beautiful. It’s understandable. It is easy and complex in the ways I need. The way you relate to god is exactly what I’m looking for. It’s like coming home and taking your pants off and chucking your bra across the room. It’s refreshing. I can truly say I resonate with it.

This of course makes me wonder what I’m going to do in the end. Somehow I don’t think I’ll be able to go back to how I was before, but I know I cannot walk completely away from Kemeticism and that path. I also find that I resonate with that path as well, I simply have issues fleshing out the practice. Anpu and I have been talking about various needs and expectations. Mine, specifically. What I need to be a good devotee and a happy human. Which is sort of necessary for His particular needs and expectations to get met. Not that He’s expounded on them any extra than usual, but that’s the Netjer for you sometimes. They are very much like their language: here’s all the consonants you could ever want! But (insert Netjer here) what about the vowels? I don’t know if this is this word or if it’s that word! And what in your name is this word?!  LOL have fun human (chucks vowels at you).

To some degree it’s not their fault. They just have “their ways” just like we have ours. I’m queen of bratty passive-aggression and startling vehemence. Nonetheless, I know I’ll learn some valuable things just by learning about such a gorgeous religion as Hinduism. I’m sure I’ll walk away with some permanent changes and probably at least one goddess (Anpu keeps telling me to hurry up and talk to Kali because apparently she’s annoying him or something). I don’t mind that I think. Oddly enough though, it’s awkwardly hard to find specific information on any of the major sects, but info abounds on Hinduism in general and ultra-basic synopses of the sects. Makes me want to bang my head against a wall. My google-fu is lacking. In the meantime, I’ll work with what I have and look for more.

Coincidentally, Devo wrote a post a couple days ago that is far too relevant to make me not headdesk. Like, clue by four much? I suppose that’s a good thing since I’m a knucklehead anyway. Time to dive in to a new chapter of my spiritual life neh? What I would really like though, is for someone to explain these weird ass dreams to me so that I can make them stop >.> I’m rather tired of zombies and death and apparently the new thing is more breaking laws of physics buildings and trains and shit. Ugh, brain, y u no spek inglis?

More Lunacy from Dreamland

This dream started off in a completely black room. It was totally dark. The only thing in it was a desk with about fifteen to twenty computer monitors on it. A man was there and asked me to come look at the screens. I was suspicious, especially since they all were covered in static. The brand wasn’t anything I recognized, all I knew was they were super thin and high tech. I don’t remember what i was shown on the screens.

The next part was me following someone. I was with a small group, three people and a little girl, the daughter of one of the men. I knew him, a man who is a wolf. I worry now that I’m awake that it was truly my wolf spirit Dapper. The reason why is because we were traveling through a forest looking for a place to rest. Wherever we were was in civil war and we were mercenaries. However, none of us wanted to be involved in this nonsense. For those who may not know, Dapper is a very experienced soldier, but why his youngest daughter would be with us is confusing. I’m hoping this part was just a dream and not real, because she was kidnapped. We left her in a hiding place while we went to find food and shelter, when we came back there was a man waiting for us and he told us he was from the extremists who began the war. His organization was holding the little one hostage for our cooperation and skills.

I don’t know where our other two companions were, but I know they cooperated because they cared about the little girl too. They sent us to different places. I remember us talking to someone near a lake. It was a beautiful place, we stood on a stone bridge with sakura trees and weeping willows reaching their beautiful branches and blossoms over us and the water. We spoke with a woman, though I don’t quite remember what about. It was about the war and being forced into the assassin’s role, about the fairness of having his daughter kidnapped. Dapper spoke bitterly and someone passed by us. I don’t know who it was, but the person said something cruel to him about the situation, I believe he was with the woman. Dapper threatened to kill them all, the whole organization. The man spoke nastily again and Dapper drowned him. Beat the man and flung him into the water and held him down. The woman wasn’t afraid, she wanted that man dead and gave us our next assignment.

I remember sneaking around the city as a wolf. I found his daughter. She was being kept in a steel box because she was violent and inherited her father’s strength and magic. She recognized me but said nothing. The men were lower rank and figured I was just a large dog. They even fed me and let her pet me, keeping me around because she was behaving. Eventually I had to leave because I saw the man who had told us of the kidnapping. He recognized me and I ran back to Dapper. The next place we had to go was a theater, a show. We met several of the head honchos of the organization there, including the man who had told us of our extortion. They had the little girl in the box there as a reminder for us to behave and do their bidding. Dapper cried after assassinating several people. He was upset that he couldn’t rescue his daughter.

This is why I’m hoping that wasn’t real. Dapper made me leave. I don’t know what happened next. He sent me somewhere else. I don’t really know how or why, but I ended up outside an FBI building. A woman came out and asked who I was. I told her what was going on and she took me upstairs. She and her superiors asked me all sorts of questions, including questions about the computer screens in the black room. I explained what I could remember to her, including what the screens looked like. She said it sounded a lot like the screens had been stolen from their building. They were after the organization and wanted to help get the little girl back. Once I had answered all I could I left.

Zolfyer came and got me. I don’t know how he knew where I was, but he didn’t ask questions. I had something important to do. I had been hired as a photographer for a businessman who was sponsoring some sort of event. The hotel was nice and he gave us room and board. This hotel I’ve been in only once before, and it does not follow the laws of physics at all. Parks inside, daylight in some parts but night in others. The rooms lead “outside” or to malls, even on the fifth floor. The elevators are numerous and some can come out of their cubbies and get on a rollercoaster track and transform into seats or open boxes like a ferris wheel. Some of them only go to odd numbered floors or can switch what floors they’re going to. It’s total insanity in this tesseract hotel.

For some reason, my mother and three of my cousins were there. We got there and I did the photography, though I don’t recall any of it. The businessman invited us to stay in the hotel for a few days and take part in the other, smaller events he had planned, and if I took pictures I’d get paid accordingly. We thought it a fabulous deal and went to get my twin and my BGF too. There were some other people there already who I both know and don’t know IRL. In the meantime when we came back we were informed that we had been given a bigger suite.

While the others started moving all the stuff to the larger suite I explored the hotel. I ended up in a hallway that was completely white. There were two doors on the walls, and one at the end of the hallway. Above the door to my left was an observation window. In front of me were two women. They greeted me warmly and looked a little sad and tired. I don’t know how I knew they were goddesses, and I can identify one positively as Serket but I can’t positively ID the other one. Neither of them looked like Netjeru as one might expect them to look from historical depictions. I really like anime so my brain tends to render any spirit I meet into a sort of anime-ish form.

I asked them where Aset was. They seemed to think for a moment, but the door on the right opened and I saw Her. She smiled at me, love and pain on her face, and walked through the other door. I could see there were stairs behind it. A voice over the intercom caught my attention and I looked up to see two more women in the observation window. I don’t know who the second one was, but the first was Kali. She was marveling at herself in her anime-ish form and told me she appreciated how my mind had rendered her. She felt pretty, she felt…Serket finished the sentence: young? Yes, young. I was so confused, they sent me on my way, telling me that I’d be alright and things would become clear.

Through the door at the end of the hall was the hotel again. The hotel hall led me through an area patterned after Arabic and Indian architecture and design, including to a huge indoor pool, not more than 3 or 4 feet deep, with benches and such around it that led to the courtyard-like halls. A giant skylight lit the pool with sun, the rest of the room and halls lit by lights. Turning down one hall led me through a temple-like structure and then I came across a huge gathering of Jewish people in a great foyer having a combination party and education event. The new suite was on the other side of them.

Everyone was in the suite and cooking. Zolfyer was really taking charge of the kitchen, directing people on what to make and what to do and washing dishes and food came out of the oven and onto serving platters. My mom, sister and one cousin were baking, which isn’t surprising, while the other cousins, two of the random people and BGF were peeling potatoes and doing other things to help the cooking process while chatting. The businessman came in, happy to see the food and even helping to cook himself, as well as stepping, well, through the wall to his venue. I chatted a bit with everyone, including getting into a very strange conversation with one of the random people, my sister and cousin about licking melted icing off of the wall and doing the same with melted cotton candy. We have never done this, ever, but we said we did in the dream.

I then went to sit at the table with BGF and he was talking about religious things. We talk about spirits and the supernatural all the time because he has very strong spirit senses, way better than mine. I mentioned some of the weird things that had been going on, but the two randoms interrupted and talked about silly stuff and food. I started to feel very disconnected and floaty, like I was gonna drift off back into that hallway with the goddesses. BGF kept trying to get my attention to keep me there because he was worried I’d get swept off somewhere unsafe. Not to mention my mind needed to be there to work. Basically, can’t let my mind leave my body and go floating off places.

At one point I saw a skeleton-like spirit in front of me. Now that I’m going through this dream thoroughly I realize it was the same asshole who kidnapped the little girl. He told me that I needed to join him, I told him to fuck off. He said that i would be great with them and that he was gonna try and recruit my friend too, because they “needed another shapeshifter (referring to me) and another shadow mover (referring to BGF). He walked off saying he was going to try and snag my friend and email his bosses.

BGF eventually got up, tired of yelling over people at me, and touched my shoulder, startling me back to my body. He told me I needed to be here and not wandering and took me outside. Back through the Jews still having what looked like an awesome bar mitzvah or wedding reception and through the pool area and through a door that led to a nighttime parking lot. Never mind that we’re on the fourth floor and it’s daytime inside the pool area and mall and rest of the hotel. BGF talked with me for a bit about the hotel, the photography gig, and wtf was going on with the spirits of this place and why I was so ungrounded. I felt sleepy and actually laid down on the ground. I felt sharp pricks on my arms and yelled at him, wondering what he was doing. He had two ultra thin, golden needles with threads of energy in them. He was binding my spirit to my body, first by poking the shit out of me with those needles and then wrapping the threads around my limbs and torso individually and then all together.

When he was done we went back inside. I certainly felt stuck to myself, but not in a good way. I was cranky, in fact. We went back to the room (and through the pool and partying Jews) and the businessman was there. He invited me through the wall to his venue, which was still being set up.

The venue was nice, it was in a mall and spacious, with clothing racks nearby and plenty of display areas. Food was being set out and stands were being set up. Some were to sell things while others were for schools and still others were employers looking to hire. The mall led/turned into a park where framed photographs, all of them supposedly mine (some were actual photos I’ve taken but most weren’t) were set up along the path for people to view. I walked up and down the path, looking at the photos on both sides and talking with Zolfyer about this photography gig.

When we got back to the businessman he complimented us on the food and on the pictures along the walkway. He asked if I’d be willing to take pictures of the food and this event, for more money of course. He also complimented me on this random ass, yet awesome as shit, picture of a hoagie. I told him the truth, Z had taken that. I didn’t really answer him about the event but walked with him and Z to a round kiosk with clothes around it on racks and my mother nearby. Z said he’d help and we’d be willing to do the shoot, and the businessman complimented my mom, especially on the photo of her along the park path. He asked if I had taken it and, after confirming which one it was I told him yes.

Z then asked me for a favor, right as my mom asked me to go to the 2nd floor and pick up an item from someone. Now, I have no idea why I didn’t walk around like a normal person and do Z’s favor first, since he was closest and his favor was really small, but I didn’t and ended up heading towards an elevator to do my mom’s favor first.

When I got on the elevator I collapsed, the room spinning mercilessly. I could barely sit up even partially, I was so dizzy and weak. On top of that, the elevator was moving of its on accord and only had buttons 1, 3, 5 and S, but I was on floor 4 and needed to get to 2. It went all the way down to S and the buttons morphed to even numbers. I was terrified because the doors said ICE MAKING STORAGE, but when they opened it was the lobby (though the wall behind me opened up into a freezer but closed when other people got on). People got on, none of them helping me, but they did ask what floor I needed. The elevator then came out of its cubby into the lobby and started rolling down the hall, only without its top half. A man came to direct it and yelled to someone that they needed a cart for floor 2, the person was standing next to rollercoaster tracks and pulled a cart out. I dropped my purse out of fear and told the operator, he promised he’d get it to my room and pushed the elevator onto the cart and down the rollercoaster we went. It was scary, but I ended up at the 2nd floor.

I got whatever it was my mother had wanted and went back upstairs, through the pool area and the Jews and gave it to her. I was disappointed that Z no longer wanted his favor done (I’m weird, so don’t ask what it was) and then I woke up from my alarm.

Needs and Motivation

The nice thing about having friends is they give you ideas and a place to talk about them. Lately I’ve been suffering quite a bit. Depression, poor sleep and new medication on the physical side and scattered energy, doubt and confusion on the spiritual side. I’m trying to figure out what exactly I’m looking for in my religious life. I know I need to find more intrinsic motivation as well as extrinsic. However, the inner drive is more important to me actually getting things done. I also know I need a tighter relationship with deity. Doing research and following Shine has me realizing I need a deity relationship closer to what you find in Hinduism. I’m not sure how I’ll reach that.

Suggestions range from “stealing” ideas, ritual structure and the like from a living religion or taking the KO beginner class. I’d like to do both. However, I know I don’t want to be a Hindu. I don’t know why, I just know that it isn’t fully for me, although many of their goddesses call to me. The path isn’t quite the right fit, and I can’t abandon Kemeticism completely, nor can I just walk away from Anpu. Nonetheless, I still feel a pull I can’t explain, a yank I’ve had for a while, even before I left Christianity.

That’s another thing that’s been happening. Calls from goddesses. It’s been going since I started this pagan path, being drawn to various goddesses. I largely ignore it because I’m not interested in the path they’re connected to, and/or they scare me. Primarily it’s been other Netjer, but it’s also been Hindu goddesses. Kali in particular tends to show up in the forefront. She tends to give me the vibe of “come if you dare, I’d love to have you, just remember I will backhand you.”

Reaching out to these other goddesses has me in a bit of a pinch. I don’t want to get sidetracked or have another situation where they’re arguing with Anpu. It was bad enough with Aset. Yet, I’m sure they’d shake things up. I’m stagnating in my practice but I’m not sure how to fix it. All I’ve yet to do is sit down and say something to the Jackal about it. I plan to do that today, because this can’t go on. I need more.