Needs and Motivation

The nice thing about having friends is they give you ideas and a place to talk about them. Lately I’ve been suffering quite a bit. Depression, poor sleep and new medication on the physical side and scattered energy, doubt and confusion on the spiritual side. I’m trying to figure out what exactly I’m looking for in my religious life. I know I need to find more intrinsic motivation as well as extrinsic. However, the inner drive is more important to me actually getting things done. I also know I need a tighter relationship with deity. Doing research and following Shine has me realizing I need a deity relationship closer to what you find in Hinduism. I’m not sure how I’ll reach that.

Suggestions range from “stealing” ideas, ritual structure and the like from a living religion or taking the KO beginner class. I’d like to do both. However, I know I don’t want to be a Hindu. I don’t know why, I just know that it isn’t fully for me, although many of their goddesses call to me. The path isn’t quite the right fit, and I can’t abandon Kemeticism completely, nor can I just walk away from Anpu. Nonetheless, I still feel a pull I can’t explain, a yank I’ve had for a while, even before I left Christianity.

That’s another thing that’s been happening. Calls from goddesses. It’s been going since I started this pagan path, being drawn to various goddesses. I largely ignore it because I’m not interested in the path they’re connected to, and/or they scare me. Primarily it’s been other Netjer, but it’s also been Hindu goddesses. Kali in particular tends to show up in the forefront. She tends to give me the vibe of “come if you dare, I’d love to have you, just remember I will backhand you.”

Reaching out to these other goddesses has me in a bit of a pinch. I don’t want to get sidetracked or have another situation where they’re arguing with Anpu. It was bad enough with Aset. Yet, I’m sure they’d shake things up. I’m stagnating in my practice but I’m not sure how to fix it. All I’ve yet to do is sit down and say something to the Jackal about it. I plan to do that today, because this can’t go on. I need more.

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4 thoughts on “Needs and Motivation

  1. “However, I know I don’t want to be a Hindu. I don’t know why, I just know that it isn’t fully for me, although many of their goddesses call to me. The path isn’t quite the right fit, and I can’t abandon Kemeticism completely, nor can I just walk away from Anpu.”
    This is exactly where I was with Bast and Kemeticism about a year ago. I’m serious. Your entire post sounds so familiar I could have written parts of it myself.
    I’m *not* saying you’re going to end up like me, but I want to warn you about complacency in your spiritual pursuits. For example, I was soooo convinced I was forever Bast’s, that I didn’t pay attention to warning signs that I was, in retrospect, getting fairly early on. Since I couldn’t walk away from Bast, what did I have to worry about?
    Talk to Anpu, let Him guide you. He knows His stuff. 🙂
    “Kali in particular tends to show up in the forefront. She tends to give me the vibe of “come if you dare, I’d love to have you, just remember I will backhand you.” ”
    Kali’s job is to help cut our attachments to those things that are unreal and that are harmful to our spiritual evolution. The Bhaktas refer to Her as mother, but that doesn’t mean She can’t grind you between Her teeth. (Or lap up your blood like She did with Raktabija.) It’s also good to note that She’s considered a fiercer aspect of Parvati.
    “Reaching out to these other goddesses has me in a bit of a pinch. I don’t want to get sidetracked or have another situation where they’re arguing with Anpu.”
    Again, boundaries. Enlist Anpu’s help with that. The Devas in general seem very understanding–when you’re clear about what you’re doing. You don’t want to come off as religion-shopping, which is easy to do when you’re eager to learn new stuff.
    “Yet, I’m sure they’d shake things up. I’m stagnating in my practice but I’m not sure how to fix it.”
    Yes, the Devas will shake things up. 😉 And at first you will hate it, and then you’ll love ‘em all the more for it. Lol.
    Another option is to make a list of different Kemetic things to try. Like try a different devotional schedule. Try a different type of offering. Give dancing a shot. Look more deeply into how to live in maat. There’s lots of things you can do that will keep you ensconced in Kemeticism. And then I can give you field reports from the Hindu side if you need it, lol.
    Definitely read Narada’s Bhakti Sutras if you’re looking for the kind of deity relationship you see in Hinduism. In Bhakti, the basic idea is you are devoted to the god. Even when your mind is one something else, the god is a background thread to everything you do. Your life is an expression of your love and dedication to this deity. (Or deities. However it works best for you.) Whatever happens to you, the god has some hand in it.
    Having read about the ancient Egyptian equivalent of monks, along with a lot of the devotional literature, I’ve come to the conclusion that Bhakti Yoga is very much compatible with Kemeticism. Worth a look, if you’ve got the time and energy.
    Omgosh, this comment is a novel. Good luck!

    • Oh boy, you’re right O.o it’s all a trap lol the funny thing is even when I was a Christian I was curious about Hinduism. Many things resonated with me and still do, and the goddesses have always called to me. Well, Kali in particular always has, but Sarasvati and Parvarti have as well. But, so has the Egyptian pantheon, though I’ll freely admit that it hasn’t been as strong as Hinduism. I was just telling someone that I actually ignored my draw to Hinduism when I first left Christianity. Partly I wanted to avoid reflex maneuvers to something I knew well out of laziness, partly Kali scares me, partly I worry about being a disrespectful idiot or an appropriator, partly I really liked the idea of Kemeticism and Anpu. Things in Kemeticism resonate with me still, but the longer and harder I think about it, the more I realize I’ve been actively dodging Kali for a while. I certainly still want to be Kemetic, but I will probably end up at least adding a Hindu practice. Nevertheless, I will of course consult with the Jackal first. Good heavens, no wonder he took so long to warm up and interact.

      As far as trying new Kemetic things, I’ve tried several things. I’m too shy to dance, even alone. I barely have the courage to sing, but I’ve tried lots of other suggestions. Things about living in ma’at tend to lack practical application ideas, so I really don’t know.

      Good thing about time and energy is that summer break is coming ^^” and even tomorrow I don’t have anywhere to go until late evening. Remind me to tell you about this dream I had as well. It was weird and blurry but the clear parts are interesting

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