The nice thing about having friends is they give you ideas and a place to talk about them. Lately I’ve been suffering quite a bit. Depression, poor sleep and new medication on the physical side and scattered energy, doubt and confusion on the spiritual side. I’m trying to figure out what exactly I’m looking for in my religious life. I know I need to find more intrinsic motivation as well as extrinsic. However, the inner drive is more important to me actually getting things done. I also know I need a tighter relationship with deity. Doing research and following Shine has me realizing I need a deity relationship closer to what you find in Hinduism. I’m not sure how I’ll reach that.
Suggestions range from “stealing” ideas, ritual structure and the like from a living religion or taking the KO beginner class. I’d like to do both. However, I know I don’t want to be a Hindu. I don’t know why, I just know that it isn’t fully for me, although many of their goddesses call to me. The path isn’t quite the right fit, and I can’t abandon Kemeticism completely, nor can I just walk away from Anpu. Nonetheless, I still feel a pull I can’t explain, a yank I’ve had for a while, even before I left Christianity.
That’s another thing that’s been happening. Calls from goddesses. It’s been going since I started this pagan path, being drawn to various goddesses. I largely ignore it because I’m not interested in the path they’re connected to, and/or they scare me. Primarily it’s been other Netjer, but it’s also been Hindu goddesses. Kali in particular tends to show up in the forefront. She tends to give me the vibe of “come if you dare, I’d love to have you, just remember I will backhand you.”
Reaching out to these other goddesses has me in a bit of a pinch. I don’t want to get sidetracked or have another situation where they’re arguing with Anpu. It was bad enough with Aset. Yet, I’m sure they’d shake things up. I’m stagnating in my practice but I’m not sure how to fix it. All I’ve yet to do is sit down and say something to the Jackal about it. I plan to do that today, because this can’t go on. I need more.