Last night was interesting. Zolfyer prayed with me again, which was nice. He also made jokes about staying awake all night to watch me do shadow work. Right, cuz I totally teleport when I do shadow work. Dapper wasn’t (and isn’t) around right now, probably running errands and living his life. Unfortunately, Aset seems like She’s highly upset and pulling away. I don’t think I did anything, but I hope She comes back.
So, the first thing I noticed last night was I was still in the black room. Earlier in the day I had a strange experience between sleep and wakefulness. I was in the black room, laying on the floor, just as much asleep there as in my bed, and felt a piece of me come back. Weird ass sensation having a piece of yourself come back and merge with you. And my only reaction was to say to myself “ah, my ren has come back. I wonder, no, I don’t need to know it. It is unwise, it is what can unmake you.” And then I fell back asleep.
Well, when I went to bed I was in the same spot, arrow still there, box still next to me. Anpu came and sat next to me, and I proceeded to start an argument about which of us was more theatrical. Really, he presents himself as a very quiet and laid back deity and then he does all this theatrical nonsense like make a black room to parallel my knowledge of someone else’s astral travels. His response was essentially: good thing I can pretend to be whatever I want, you’re a pain in the ass, I regret pointing you to those two now that I know you were gonna turn into a pain. Of course, if he hadn’t pointed me out “those two” he would have a clueless and fearful devotee who would be behind and have no foundation. He called me even more of a pain in the ass. What happened to my not snarky god >.> where did all this snark come from?!
I did ask about Aset. He seemed troubled when I asked why She was angry. He said she wasn’t angry at me, but at him.
“She doesn’t seem to have much say.”
“She doesn’t, and she wants to. She wants to be a part of this, but I won’t let Her.”
“That doesn’t seem fair.”
I turned away, wondering if I should press further. I poked at the box containing Z’s shard and felt it tugging at me. I opened the box and, weirdly enough, Z materialized. He was also still asleep. I couldn’t even imagine how he had managed to wiggle his way in this place while sleeping both in bed and in the temple. Anpu chuckled and muttered about stubbornness again.
I ignored the very strong desire to peer inside his ib. I couldn’t imagine what I’d see or sense if I looked in, considering the blast I felt simply by looking into a piece of it.
Z “woke up” then. He was definitely still asleep on this plane, but he was vaguely awake in the black room. He looked around and asked what was up.
“You’re in my room with Anpu and I. Are you gonna remember this?”
He blinked sleepily at me. Anpu shook his head.
“He probably won’t. He’s difficult.”
“He blocks his dreams. He wants answers to questions he needs to answer for himself.”
“He just wants confirmation.”
“Hmm, well it would be easier to confirm if he wasn’t afraid of his potential.”
“He’s got strong potential, but he doubts it and fears it so much I don’t know what to do with him.”
“Well you’d doubt your potential too if no one taught you how to use it and you were told your whole life that it was dangerous except in very specific circumstances and even then it could still be dangerous and get your soul stomped on. Not to mention no one helped him understand it and were always giving conflicting messages.”
Before the Jackal could respond however, I felt a firm pressure on my shoulder like someone was grabbing me. I knew who it was, that angel from the night before. For some reason it elicits a very strong and aggressive emotion from me. I greatly dislike it, but I can’t place why. Just something in me wants to chase it off.
“Be nice to it.” Anpu warned.
I held my tongue and rephrased what I was going to say. I still couldn’t restrain total rudeness.
“What do you want?” I asked it.
It smiled at me and waved me over to a random table with a large book on it. I walked over to examine the book. The pages were discolored and contained numerous pairs of names, all of them with pairs of numbers after them. Including Z’s and mine. (The format was Z-AR:44-59)
“What’s with them numbers? Is that like, the range of years before we die? We gonna die in our sixties or seventies?”
The seraph frowned, confused about how I got to that conclusion. No, why would I show you that? Why would you need to know when you’ll die?
“Well what am I supposed to think? It’s not like you talk to me. You don’t say anything.”
It smiled at me, showing me the numbers again. It really bothered me that our full names were in this book. The fact that every pair of names had the same numbers on these two pages bothered me as well. I was certain they were all different at first, but they all were starting to look like ours. I tried puzzling out the meaning of the numbers since those were clearly the most important.
Four is completion in Ancient Egypt. 4+4 is 8, divided by two is four. 5+9 is 14, which turns into five. But, if you add 8 to it you get 22, which becomes 4. So, if numerology is the point, then it’s a representation of completion, but, why is it a range? The one above it isn’t a range, it says 44:59 instead of 44-59. What’s the significance?
I shook the scene away. I couldn’t make heads or tails and for some reason all of this was making me angry and unsettled. Anpu said something about the word I’m supposed to be looking for, as well as now we’re waiting on my shut. Right, shadow, and the h word that’s related to it. Well, what the fuck is that anyway? I had never heard this word before, and I had searched for it. And yet oddly enough I was absolutely certain that I had heard such a word, but I couldn’t remember where. I fell asleep thinking of it.
Waking up this morning was unpleasant. I literally woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Z is goofy and silly and likes to do correspondingly silly and goofy things, like switching sides of the bed to see if I’ll have different dreams on his side. That was already disorienting, along with weird dialogue with myself about my shadow and waiting for it and being really frustrated about this mysterious word and those numbers. Then I haven’t had enough sleep for the last three days (my fault, but still) and I was getting up earlier than normal. I didn’t even get out of bed when my alarm went off. I had set it overly early on purpose because I’m an owl not a lark and move slow in the morning. Instead I cuddled with Z who was half asleep and more than happy to oblige said cuddling. I really didn’t want to get out of bed.
When I finally did get up I had the distinct and powerful sense that I was missing something. I needed something and not only could I not find it, but I didn’t know what it was. I was in a daze and couldn’t concentrate on much of anything. All I knew was that what I was missing was in my bedroom somewhere and that it was probably related to Z. The only clue was my brain repeating the line that you cannot do anything or go anywhere without your shut. Even when I managed to get my ass out of the house, trying to cross the threshold was difficult. I opened the door and couldn’t move. My whole being said go back, you can’t leave it behind. Going back in the room relieved the feeling, obviously it was in there. But I had to go to work. I was dizzy and spaced out for hours. Luckily my morning was an extremely easy start. I also noted that Aset seemed distant.
This is the last thing that’s bothering me. Aset. She hasn’t been happy since her argument with Sekhmet. This is the sort of thing that makes me wonder about all this. Do gods really act this way with humans? Do they really interact with each other like this? Am I really experiencing this, or is the fact that I am highly imaginative, easily bored and traumatized from past experiences creating these elaborate schemes? And if I’m not a total lunatic, well what the fuck is going on? Why is Aset so upset, why is she blocking me out? And, why is Anpu keeping her back? WHY IS DAY TWO SO HARD?