Ever had one of those days where you wish your gods were literally huggable? I’m sure not everyone would want that, but I think I could use one of Them down here. Lately I’ve felt off-kilter, not actually down in the depths of a depression or anything, but sorta like…sitting in the shade I guess. Or perhaps sitting in fading light is better, since shade is rarely dark enough to make you doubt your eyes. It’s been hot recently, something I’m sensitive to, now I’m back to looking for work, my practice isn’t really developing, but that’s partly because I don’t really know what to do with it.
I’m pretty lost here. I’m not used to such a way of worshiping. Lots of people say “focus on your practice” and “you don’t need to start with the gods” but that doesn’t tell me anything. First off, the reason I left Christianity was for the Divine. I don’t like having to go through a ton of human interaction to get my relationship with the Powers That Be. It’s absolutely ridiculous to allow mortals to block my access to Them or Him depending on how you look at it. So, I left. And the thing is, one of the things I always loved about Christianity is worship and singing. It drives me insane that no one knows what the music is for Ancient Egyptian hymns. I love love love singing in praise, you know how awesome it would be to sing songs that actually belong to Anpu and Wepwawet and Sekhmet?
There aren’t many resources for how to go about being a lay worshiper. Historical or otherwise. I’ve got resources about the gods and Their personalities, I’ve got resources about how to understand ma’at, and how to understand the Ancient Egyptians view of the universe. I’ve got all that, but none about just starting out as a lay person, a beginner pagan and Kemetic. None for a person who came specifically to seek the gods. How do I know I’ve got Their attention or are being ignored or told to go away? It’s not like my baby nephew looks at my altar space and bursts into tears or can’t sleep in the room with it. It’s not like I go to pray or light candles and nephew gets upset, sister sees stuff in her peripheral vision or hears things and the dog goes nuts.
I do know that my dog has never bothered me when I prostrate in prayer, but that could just be because we fuss at him when he bugs us on the floor. There’s three ghosts and three guardian spirits in the house and I’ve never gotten a word saying there’s a problem. And trust me, one of those guards is my nephew’s, he would absolutely say something to my sister or our guardians if there was a problem. He’s a big ol’ owl and often entertains the nephew, who promptly gets upset when he goes somewhere else. And now that I think of it, my old dog Shadow (we call him Big Shadow to differentiate from our current puppy, also named Shadow, who is still a baby but is hardly small) still hangs around the house. He was extremely protective of my sister and I, so I would imagine he’d have something to say too. But their silence only tells me that nothing dangerous is happening.
Really the question is what should or could I do? I’m trusting my intuition here that the three deities I’ve chosen are interested and good matches for me, but really I’m just not sure what else to do. I know I’m not going to always feel Them, or feel Them strongly, but an Ethereal Hug now and then would be great. And some advice or something, anything really to let me know that I’m alright and doing things acceptably. Something to comfort me and calm me and my many many anxieties and doubts. It’s not like this is the only part of my life that I’m looking for and need help with. I don’t expect Them to magically fix things, but even a nudge saying “hey, try this”, “hey chill out, it’s alright”, “don’t you DARE say that” would be great.
Well, now that I think of it, Anpu did intervene in one argument between me and TB, basically tugging at my ears to apologize and do it without trying to justify myself. That last part was hard, I don’t like being wrong, or admitting that I didn’t have a reason to be jerkish. It’s mainly stubbornness, but it has to do with some insecurities I have as well. Stuff I still need a lot of work and help with. Another reason I want to hear from Them. It would be nice if I was any good at songwriting, then I could make songs for Them, I imagine They’d really like that.