Babies and Gods

Last night was an interesting one. I finished washing my clothes and actually had the urge to put them away. I loath laundry, truly and thoroughly hate it. I often leave clean clothes in the hamper and toss dirty ones on the floor. It’s really quite ignorant, especially since I prefer cleaning the bathroom over doing laundry. I do, I like cleaning the bathroom, couldn’t tell you why though lol

Anyway, I was listening to Boyfriend complain and rant about his client because he needed to vent and realized that I really wanted to clean my room. Now, I’m a person who prefers to maintain cleanliness as opposed to creating it, but I thoroughly enjoy creating cleanliness, unless it involves my room. For some reason it takes a lot of effort, or a perfectly timed compulsion. Last night was the latter. I’m a packrat, among a family of packrats and you could probably call me a themed book collector too. I have a small room and a lot of stuff, but the ability to organize in such a way that it’s reasonably neat and hides more stuff. I threw out two trash bags worth of crap last night and I can sense that there’s still shit I should get rid of.

I could feel the old energy breaking apart and floating around the room with the dust bunnies. I even fixed my bed frame, which had somehow come apart in a weird way that kept it mostly balanced. The irony is I didn’t put all of my laundry away and I really wanted to, but I was tired by then lol After finishing this, Sister brought Nephew upstairs and I opened my tambourine. Now, I’ve had this tambourine since April, but never opened it. I had ordered it as a substitute for a sistrum (i buy frequently online) but I never opened it because Sister and Nephew were visiting.

Now, you might find this a tad strange, especially if you know that my sister is of the group of people who are readily accepting of whatever you’re doing as long as it’s not harmful, illegal and/or depressing you. She knows I’m Kemetic now and has only asked a few questions, mainly Who ya talkin to, is there anything in the fridge that’s supposed to be an offering, and what’s with the table? The table being the one in the window cubby that has my sparse little shrine on it. What can I say, the table was already there and it’s a southward window. Alas, I just don’t feel comfortable doing any worship in the room because we share it. Perhaps it’s my nervousness at still being new and “watched” in the sense that she’d know what I was upstairs doing, or that I don’t like kicking her and Nephew out of the room, or that I don’t want her to feel awkward since she’s still Christian, or that I’m still unsure of the gods and whether it’s actually Them coming in the room, or that I’m inviting other beings into our shared sleeping space, or all the above. There’s something unsettling about inviting large spiritual presences into a room she and Nephew have to come into at night.

Nonetheless, this tambourine has been in the box it was delivered in since it arrived. I opened it last night for two reasons: the tambourine would take up less space and more easily moved if it was out of the box, and because I figured Nephew would be entertained by the noisy, plastic, blue round thing. He was very entertained, and I also got the distinct impression that Wepwawet (who the tambourine was purchased for) came in the room while Nephew was playing with it. The baby was distracted most of the while he was playing, staring at the window with the table and talking to “empty space”. My UPG of Wepwawet is that He’s very jovial and full of laughter, and He definitely found great humor in Nephew playing the tambourine as much as a five month old can. I’m pretty sure He’s still chuckling and smirking XD

I told Sister that if she dreamt of canids to blame Nephew lol I have no idea if she did, probably not. Neither her nor Nephew have canid guardians or worship a canid god. Speaking of dreams, I had a very scary one last night. I’m not really sure what was going on in this dream. It had a plot, revolving around my grandmother’s house, but I’ve forgotten because I wasn’t trying to remember earlier. There was lots of conversation and several people, all of whom I knew from what I recall. Really I remember a tv, Boyfriend asking and telling me something, babysitting my Nephew, my mother coming over. There was a lot going on in this dream. But of course I only remember the upsetting part of it, which happened when my mother came over.

I was holding Nephew when she came in, sitting on the couch across from the chair Sister was in, which is close to the tv. She was talking about something important, and then went on to say she had something to talk to us about. She sat next to Sister first and pulled out this book that said Living with Cancer. She said she had just found out about it. I remember seeing the words Cervical Cancer as well as unusual pictures that looked like a pregnant woman. I just know I got very upset over it, who wouldn’t? I woke up panicked and crying. Now that I’m calm and can think logically, it occurs to me that it would be impossible for my mother to get cervical cancer because she had a hysterectomy and has no cervix, but that doesn’t dampen the discomfort at the dream. I called her afterward, but there were other details in the dream that I feel are important, but honestly they’re fuzzy, jumbled, and disconnected so I can’t make heads or tails.

I also still have a lot of work to do on ingrained habits. Why? Well when you consider yourself Christian for your entire life you have a lot of habits and habitual sayings to restructure when you change your religious path. Grace is hard, so is prayer, because I’m no longer praying to YHWH, but to Anpu and perhaps Wepwawet so I often have to correct myself. I went to go pray after waking up from my dream and realized that I had to correct myself like six or seven times in the midst of it. Doesn’t help to have to do that when you’re distraught. I tried to visualize myself getting an Ethereal Hug and got a pat on the head instead XD it wasn’t funny at the time, but it is rather amusing now. Clearly there was a reason I didn’t get the hug, I felt like there was something He was trying to get me to pay attention to from the dream, so the Ethereal Hug was denied in favor of a Holy Headpat. Probably the mother part.

Speaking of family and die hard habits, it occurs to me that I never really thought through the desire I have for a more public shrine space. When I move out I want private shrine space in my bedroom, but I also want to have one in my livingroom. No particular reason, except perhaps to see Them when I want without necessarily disturbing someone or Boyfriend who may be in one of those rooms. I don’t spend a lot of time in my bedroom because I’m an insomniac and want my brain to associate the bed with sleep, but I also know that Boyfriend tends to be sensitive to my wakefulness, especially since I’m a restless insomniac. He might not always stir at my wandering the halls like a lost soul, but he does sometimes and then he won’t go back to sleep until I’m back in bed. It’s very sweet, but I also don’t want him losing sleep just because my brain is difficult.

Anyway, the point here is that public shrine space is a tricky matter. Most of my family is still in the dark about my change in religion, much less the exact nature of said change. Hell, most of my friends are and I trust them more to not act like lunatics. I like having people over and I want to do that when I move out, but that could present a problem since I want to display a shrine space. I often get nervous during grace time at family dinners because I don’t want to get asked to say grace since I no longer worship YHWH and I can’t exactly go pulling out one of my Kemetic graces. The problem, as anyone with Christian family often knows, is that they’re intensely concerned for your soul.

I think it makes it worse to have a religion with similar morals to Christianity, or at least morals that can be interpreted that way, because they see less and less reason to justify the change. I don’t feel like having a hundred questions that I can’t answer, don’t want to answer, or that have answers that’ll make them push harder to know why I left if it’s so close to what Christianity already has. I definitely don’t want to get into it when they find out it’s Anpu I’m praying to. Oh that would absolutely lead to chaos because He has such an unfairly bad reputation. Yes, He’s a warrior, yes He’s god of the dead and embalming, yes He deserves the respect of one capable of being terrifying, but He is not evil or whatever Hollywood tends to portray Him as. Alas, like Loki and Set, Anpu still doesn’t get the approval of most people who only see Him one way. It makes me worry.

 

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