I was gonna get on here and rant about an argument I had with my boyfriend. I was gonna detail the conversation I had with my best friend and detail all the poorly formed thoughts and feelings about my boyfriend and the argument and how much I love him and why he’s so wonderful and awful and drives me crazy and makes me love him more. I was going to do that, but I won’t.
It’s not a privacy concern, Boyfriend doesn’t read the blog and few of my friends actually do. No, it’s more because reiterating all of that, an hour and a half’s worth of conversations, is ridiculous and time consuming and emotionally draining. I’m already very drained, after all I’m not very good at reigning in my emotions. Instead, I’m going to talk about my gods and what happened after venting to my friend and getting comfort after the argument.
I pray a lot. Perhaps not everyday, or particularly formally or piously, but i pray a lot. I enjoy talking to my gods. I went upstairs to put shorts on. I’m a woman living among women, we don’t always wear pants, but shorts are generally recommended. I really only went upstairs to grab my shorts and phone charger. But I saw my mini shrine. I tried to ignore it, but it was there calling rather insistently. So, I decided to heed that and it took every ounce of strength not to just collapse. You ever been that unaware of how tired and frustrated you are and how much you need to talk that when you go to get down on your knees that it takes more strength to avoid just falling in a heap?
Today was one of those days. I haven’t had one in a long time, not in at least two years, before i decided to become pagan. And I let everything out. It was hardly coherent, in fact I repeated the same thing over and over, but I’m pretty They got what the problem was and what i was asking (begging really) for. It wasn’t pretty either, I was essentially sobbing. Ever done that? I use the word in my writing, but you never really consider that people actually do some of these words, like trudging or sneering, and in this case sobbing.
I stayed there for several minutes until my eyes were sore and my sinuses were completely blocked and my head was fracturing in pain and pressure. I forced myself to stop and it really took effort. Collecting yourself after breaking apart in front of anyone is hard, especially if you’re begging for help. Doing so in front of deities is harder, if only because you’re likely to shatter more in front of them. I was so tired that i contemplated just sleeping on the floor.
I went downstairs afterwards, to let my puppy in from the yard and put a couple things away. Said puppy actually went ahead of me into the living room as if to show me something. Since i had been asking for some sign that the Jackals were there and listening, it was a bit interesting. I started upstairs again, thinking puppy would follow, but he sat down and huffed at me. He’s always allowed upstairs and usually follows quickly, so this was abnormal. I sat on the steps and pet and hugged him, even let him get in my face and whatnot which I normally don’t do because he’s a sixty pound puppy. When i got up, he still didn’t follow me upstairs, he went into his cage. No idea why. I just needed to sleep in my room near my shrine.
It was effort not to get back on the floor and light the candles that represent Them. I wanted to before i went to sleep, but of course that’s not safe. Needs safer alternative. I’m still not thoroughly stable, but I’m reasonably sure I won’t burst into tears unprovoked. I just feel shaky and unsure and off balance and crazy and foolish and tired. I’m tired of this all, of the same bullshit problems and problems in my brain and body from high school and college. I’m tired of feeling batshit crazy half the time and in limbo between sanity and craziness the other half. I’m tired of fighting with my boyfriend and not knowing how to fix the problems that I’m bringing to the table and how to help him feel safe enough to work on his or just recognize that it’s not a bad thing to be “unhealthy” mentally.
Most of all I just want to hear my gods voices with some frikkin comfort or a hug or something just really obvious saying “hey! We’re here, we care, and things will be alright.” I don’t want to break things off, I refuse it, but things can’t keep going how they are. I’m just tired. How can a twenty year old be so tired? My emotions drain me dry and I crack under the pressure of being a young adult and trying to worm my way into the world while still being part of several people’s support systems, and all of them are like me, ie in need of specific professional help from nice people in white.
What does this all mean? Is there even a point here to all this suffering? It’s not like I’m the only one in my inner circle who suffers. Most of my best friends suffer from some sort of problem. Depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder. My best friend I vent to the most literally cannot remember most of his life before he turned 14. How is that for fucked up? Boyfriend tries hard to forget his childhood, were you to hear his stories you’d call it abuse. The bipolar friend got into drugs for a little while and had to repeat a year of college. One depressed friend ended up in the psych ward during high school and her parents sure don’t win the parenting award. My parents don’t either.
If i actually told someone in authority half the things that go through my head I’d have been in and out of psych wards for the last three years. Instead I tell my friends, who understand exactly what I’m going through and been there and back. Or we help each other while both go through the ringer. But why do we have to hurt like this in the first place? Why do we have to hurt so much and so damn hard? Why do we have to burn? What did we do in a past life to endure so much pain in this one?
I don’t know. I just know it hurts and I can’t leave or be left to burn in the dark. I won’t leave any of them to hurt alone, but i know i don’t want to add to the pain. I love them too much, they all drive me crazy but I love them more. Is that sick? That i love their insanity as much as i love them? It’s part of them, it’s part of me since I’m crazy too. But if i were to leave them my heart would break. It would be destroyed. If i ever lost one of my friends or my boyfriend, i really would break apart.