Oscillating Mind

So, when I first got into this pagan thing I glossed over something. Literally as soon as I dropped searching for an alternative christian path and pursued paganism, Kali showed up everywhere. Actually, she was there even when I was looking at alternative christian paths. She was on my Facebook every day, she showed up on my deviantart, I probably would’ve seen her on tumblr if I had one when I started. The people posting pictures of her weren’t even devotees, even my future kemetic friends had some. It was crazy.

I ignored it all. I was scared of her, she’s gorgeous and terrifying. Seriously, she had tusks and a demon head in her hand and loads of people (all white and non-devotees now that it think of it) made sure to paint her as super dangerous and frightening and basically said she would eat me. I’m fairly certain at least one person did literally say she would eat me. So, I ran away and pursued kemeticism and Anpu. Do I regret starting kemeticism? Not at all. Do I regret not approaching Kali? Yeah, I do. Thing is, I still can’t get over my fear. I also don’t know what I really want out of my religious life anymore.

I thought I knew, and then I realized I don’t. I thought I knew what gods I wanted to hang out with and thankfully he wasn’t mean or nasty to the dipshit running in circles. I don’t know what I’m doing (I’m so bad without frameworks) and I’m lazy and don’t have the energy or concentration I used to on top of it. I’ve been spinning my wheels for a long while and I’ve no clue how to get out of this rut.

Well, the scary blue/black lady who slays demons pops into my head again. She’s good at the rut stuff, at breaking them up. She’s a lot like Sekhmet, now that I think of it. A super scary, destructive goddess who is also a loving mother and will whomp you to get up and dry your tears and pat your hair. Buuuut, you don’t see me waltzing over to Sekhmet cavalierly either. *sigh*

well, here’s my question to the gods then. Anpu, what’s your opinion? What should I do here? How do I get out of this rut? What would you like? Do you mind? Kali, depending on the jackal’s answers, I don’t promise anything, but what do you think? Are you still open to me? And please, both of you, be clue-by-four to the face obvious.

To the humans, I am totally open to advice, opinion, conversation and whatnot.

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Password Protect Your Perils

This is hardly the first time this will be mentioned, nor will it be the last. I’m hardheaded and stubborn, so naturally I didn’t really take the advice seriously to use passwords in my practice. I didn’t think I would need one. Little me doing spirit work or flouncing around on the astral? No chance.

Oh naïve me, you’re a dumbass.

I’ve seen a bunch of great posts on passwords in a practice, but something bothered me. There didn’t seem to be anything reminding people that they don’t have to be actual words.

Maybe I’m just blind and forgetful. What I mean is, it can be several words, it can be a phrase, it can be a sound, sight, smell, touch. A memory. It can be an idea or subject, it can be a specific use of magic or illusion, or manifesting a particular thing in a particular way. A literal secret handshake even.

All these thoughts came to me while trying to make up my own password. I don’t know what other beings see when they look at me, so I had to be cautious not to pick anything too obvious or that could be easily guessed just by looking at my energy or companions. I worship a Jackal and I bangs with wolves Over There (for those of you unfamiliar with AAVE, “bangs with” means friends with, chills with, greatly enjoys, has great affection for, hangs out with, etc). At this point I’m practically part of a pack. However, because of how brains work I now could only think of pretty straightforward stuff, like wolves or jackals, and I even tossed out anything that had to do with kids or healing. Can’t do water or scorpions, snakes or anything like that either.

Since I didn’t want it to be too difficult or too much effort, I left it off for a moment and one of my songs started playing on my phone and I had my answer. I have several favorite songs, but I don’t sing in the astral (would be interesting though). My “password” is to sing a favorite song. Since I sing those songs IRL for fun, as offerings, to power my wards, to entertain, and to soothe myself, Z and Dapper, it seems like a good deal. They know at least three each, so there isn’t a reason they can’t sing one. Since there’s more than one, if I’m still suspicious I can just ask for another.

All in all, don’t be a stubborn dummy like me. Passwords don’t have to be actual words, and they can be helpful even in the event of shenanigans on this plane. Use your imagination, play on your strengths as well, keep your practice safe.

Magic Considerations

So, I’ve been thinking extensively about magic recently. I’ve always been interested in magic and witchcraft, but so far I haven’t really found a system that works for me. Some of it is laziness. I don’t want to remember all these words, or gather all these materials, and perform all this ritual (don’t get me wrong, I love ritual, but I’m not inclined to do it for spellwork). It’s also expensive (and yes, I know there are plenty of inexpensive substitutes for things, but it still costs me money and pulls from household resources that have to be replaced). All the pomp and prettiness is actually fairly distracting, and it often puts me off wanting to do it at all. Questions of effectiveness pop up as well. Further, I have a cat and boyfriend to worry about, and nothing is more distracting than other creatures wondering what you’re doing and is it possible for you to make a snack. (I kid, Z is actually really good about that stuff, especially if I warn him beforehand. Though, he has been known to be mega distracting if he’s very bored and/or hungry.) So, doing more “traditional” spellwork is difficult, because getting the stuff and doing the ritual is tricky. Not to mention, keeping all of that stuff out of the way where my stupid kitten can’t hurt herself on it or injure it. I had to move my feather representing ma’at because she played with it when I wasn’t in the room.

This complicated relationship with more traditional, physical magic has made me consider how to make my own shit up. I was pretty successful with the last couple batches of heka, but I still feel like doing more. I’m still working on heka usage and how to make it work even better, especially because I do still need some physical component. I know, I’m difficult. The other thing is I’m still not really sure what will actually be useful to me. For example, the popular visualization of connecting with roots to the earth and drawing up earth energy, as well as popular grounding techniques, don’t work for me. Earth energy leaves me feeling wired and sick and I can’t get rid of it, no matter what I do to ground. I simply have to wait for it to dissipate, which can take a couple of days. This is also my problem with heka, I somehow manage to draw up too much energy and then can’t get rid of it all. Maybe that’s more about the common heka practice of identifying oneself with a god and commanding from their authority, but it’s still an issue. Another issue is that, since my hospitalization last year, my body has a lower tolerance for anything woo or magical. Most magical systems don’t/can’t take this into account, and often don’t have suggestions for those who find themselves incompatible with the energy used or getting sick from trying to use it.

And now I realize that I’m complaining about ableism in magic and paganism. Hmm. So, I’ve been trying to think of ways to overcome these obstacles and figure out magic that will work for me. I’m very much a physical and intuitive touch person. Especially in the astral, I will know you more by your energy and other incorporeal sensation than by your face or voice. I have excellent visualization skills, but even that ties into my sense of touch (feeling my visualizations gives more clarity). I also know that this quirk does mean I need something physical to help focus and such, but I don’t know what to use yet. Also still puzzling that out, but it does make crochet magic fairly viable. There’s limitations even to that though, because not all crochet projects can be done in one sitting, and it’s tough to maintain focus for extended lengths, especially if you’re using words. On top, distraction also plays a role here, because cats and yarn, and because humans need/want stuff and crochet can be put down mid-stitch. This can all serve to derail crochet magic in progress, especially if it’s a larger or more complex project.

I was thinking of doing more research into elemental magic (it works well for me, but earth magic isn’t compatible with me), especially because plants are very helpful beings and I have plants. However, finding info is hard and it often still requires more physical objects and ingredients than I might like. I also want to learn more about healing, on this plane and in the astral. Recently though, someone brought up some different ideas. False doors (a common thing in ancient egypt) and mirrors. Now, I don’t know much about mirror magic but it’s an interesting thought. I do know a little about false doors. Mirrors so far seem to be excellent for traveling and trancing, protection (mentioned specifically for warding a false door) as are knives. I don’t know how to safely do anything much with knives, it was just a thought that came in handy during an astral trip and I stabbed the shit out of a vampire. Obviously knives are also excellent for protection.

The other thing is I was thinking of poppets more. I mentioned a little while ago, probably on my tumblr, that I really liked someone’s suggestion of using stuffed animals as guardians and familiars. I’ve been thinking about this for quite a while, mainly about what I’d want the animal to be and what I’d want them to do. I also recently thought of using poppets and sympathetic magic more. Something I definitely need to learn more about, but it’s a start.

The problem, as I mentioned a few paragraphs ago, is finding something I can do with low energy and difficulty concentrating. The fact that my body does not react favorably to magic (or at least what I’ve been trying) and astral traveling or such while awake is a major roadblock. I can’t get through as much of a book or focus on research in one sitting as I used to. Having the eternal struggle of rpg, video games and fiction coming up in search results makes it even harder to effectively utilize when I do have energy and focus. The fact that the vast majority of magic information resources don’t consider those who are chronically ill, fatigued or otherwise lacking in mental or physical stability and ability, if they don’t outright tell us to go away until we get better. Yeah, yeah, I’m not mentally stable, my low energy and asthma and pain and whatever causes this twitching and shaking makes me mildly disabled, but I’m not going to not do magic. It’s seriously ableist and a major dick move to tell sick people they can’t do cool, interesting, and fun things simply because they aren’t healthy. To tell someone who is chronically ill and will probably never 100% recover, if they ever started in “optimal” health to begin with, that they aren’t allowed to do something and will be refused knowledge, is an asshole thing to do. Give us warnings, teach us how to be safe and utilize our limits, don’t just shun us. Unfortunately, even in magic and paganism, neurodivergence, chronic illness and disability is still shunned and ignored. Hence my problem.

So, what say any of you? Any ideas for me to try? Books or other resources to recommend?

Quiet Jackals and Silent Wolves

In January I had a very serious mental health crisis. I probably should have gone to the hospital, it was that serious. However, I am poor and black and Z doesn’t know enough about mental health and the health system to know when to take me and how to keep me safe and cared for once I’m there. It was rough. The issue of mental health in the pagan community is a touchy topic. There are a lot of people with issues, and way too much fluffy, bad abusive, nasty or ableist advice for them. There’s good advice obviously, but oh do humans love to fling shit. I avoided this issue by not bringing it up outside of my safe spaces where I’m surrounded by supportive, loving people who know what I’m talking about when I mention my suffering. Yesterday one of those people made an interesting post responding to something on tumblr. One of her suggestions for resolving the problem she discussed is what has finally brought me back to my blog.

One of the problems I had during this severe bout of depression and suicidality was paranoia. Truly I have not felt such powerful paranoia in my short life, especially towards my spiritual life. The fact that I’ve been harassed by a malevolent spirit for two or three months only magnified the issue. I couldn’t discern anything. Was I being tricked? Was I being attacked? Is this really Dapper or Anpu, Kali or Aset? Even though I cleansed and warded and purified, was my house still vulnerable? Was I? Did I cut the link the spirit was using to hurt me? Were Z’s nightmares tied to this? Was Dapper ok? Was any of this even real or a very long lasting and elaborate delusion? Was I sicker and crazier than I ever thought I was? What if I had really done nothing but hallucinate, or worse, I’d been abandoned?

I can attest the post-breakdown Fallow Time is one of the most difficult and agonizing types of Fallow Periods. It felt like everything was wrong, like nothing was real, like I couldn’t be sure about anything. The fact I do derealize when my depression is very severe made it worse. Even the slightest nudge or attempt to contact was muddled and confused. I couldn’t figure out what anyone was saying or what anyone wanted, if I was even sensing them, if I was doing it correctly (I know, silly to think you could feel something incorrectly, but you’d be surprised if you don’t have a sensory issue or mental health problem and have a firm security in your perception of sensations). One thing that still pops up is whether I’m actually even wanted or poking around at the “right god”. Does Anpu really want me? Am I bothering Him or being useful in any way? Should I reach out to other gods? Am I even actually sensing other gods? Do they want me? Would any of this shit I’m thinking about doing be even the least bit useful or beneficial?

Why, oh why, dear gods and goddesses, was it so. fucking. unbearably. horrifically. silent?

Not that it mattered that it was silent. In the intensity of my fear and paranoia that I was being tricked or suckered by an opportunistic spirit or the bitch demon who attacked me made me shove away anything I did sense in abject panic. I didn’t (and don’t) know if my wards are anything more than pathetic little screens, with the gracious help of three and a half plants (cuttings of two of the plants, still just branches with little roots) and a dinosaur. I don’t know if my cleansing and purification, all the magic and heka I attempted, actually worked and will keep that spirit bitch away. I don’t know if her hold is broken. And for whatever reason every divination I’ve done (asked for from others, and not done for myself) keeps mentioning being wary of new help from nowhere and new people.

While my panic has settled down immensely, the worry and concern is still there. Especially because I still don’t know what to do about Anpu. See, it’s not that he’s ever mean or anything, nothing of the sort, I just don’t know what to make of him. I get this sense when I look at him. It isn’t anger or rejection or anything clear and obvious, it’s simply a very uncomfortable and confusing sensation. It incites worry. More like he’s looking at me, wondering what exactly to do with me. I’ve had this feeling ever since I started down this path, and it has made me question my path choice just as much as my god choice. However, I always come back here, because even though plenty of religions make sense to me and have elements I’m looking for, this is the one that works, sorta, and I’m trying not to give up or dish out when there isn’t precisely anything wrong and nothing else is reaching out to me the same way.

I know that Dapper doesn’t come as close, probably worried that his presence is bad for my health or could adversely affect me or attract attention. His concern has some rational basis, I’ve found that I cannot try and actively astral anymore and need to be wary of physical-astral contact or connection. It seems to aggravate whatever it is that causes me to twitch and shake even a year past when I initially went to the hospital. Magic on this plane is also a little harder and wears me out more. Not to mention, Dapper does have enemies and interacts with less than savory characters (his job is not an easy one) and is very strong. His weak, mewling human is an easy target. Especially easy when she can barely control any magic, astral transformations or effectively ward. I wouldn’t be surprised if Anpu asked him to stay back for a while as well.

I mention all this to a purpose, not simply to inform or lament that my mental health sucks (which it does). My friend’s suggestion in that tumblr post was that, a way to help others is write to them about your experiences and how you deal with it. Help others learn to cope and change the narrative. Unfortunately I can’t say I have any sage advice, since I’m only just pushing past the giant wall in my spirit between me and my shrine and still struggling to figure out what I do next. But, I want people to know they aren’t alone in their suffering at least, that I understand such problems, such pain, down to my bones. Heh, even my shadow shudders in pain at times, and I feel my astral wolf self bare fangs and growl. She doesn’t like the pressure and agony of depression either.

Plenty of people will tell you a truth, that it is possible to get through it, that things change and get better. I also understand your truth, that change is a long time coming more often than not, that relief is usually difficult and very incomplete and often rife with fear that it will break again, which it usually does.  I understand the truth that knowing relief will come rarely brings as much hope as we’d like, or eases the stranglehold of our broken spirits. We know it’s supposedly temporary, that our minds are telling us lies so powerful it shakes our bodies, our faith, our souls. We know many truths intellectually. We also know one particularly bitter truth, and that is that the lies feel so intense, so true, that it can be easier to believe them sometimes, or to ignore the truths of hope, because waiting for that hope to manifest is unbearable. Because being told those truths can cause the clamp of our illness’ lies to worsen, because sure we know we’ll get relief in theory, but when will it come? And when it does come, will it last, and will I survive to get there? That is one of the hardest questions to ask, because it is so difficult to answer.

It sucks. To put it far, far too simply. The fear hurts. The doubt hurts. The stifling silence definitely hurts. But you’re not by yourself. Even though the tension is suffocating, I’ve got a cozy blanket and your favorite hot drink. I’ve got your pet and my pet and we can watch them play. Tell me your favorite internet thing and what encouragement you really need and I’ll always show up when I see you suffering with those things. You’ve got a friend here. Misery loves company for many reasons.

Maybe we can try and come up with ways to hold out until the crashing stops together. Or at least I’ll crawl out of my hole and remind you that I care, that I appreciate your presence. That even if I don’t say much I’m peeking out from under my rock, looking at you with the eyes of a kitten, wondering if you’re ok, if you need me to jump out at you and half-startle you into a smile and wrestle with your feet. And if you do, I’ll bring damn near anything I can possibly bring to give you even a smidgen of relief. So, there’s that at least.

Knotsense

A while ago I discussed the idea of crochet magic as a form of knot magic. To be a woman of my word and because it’s a craft that’s easy for me, that I already have plenty of supplies for, I actually did some crochet magic.

Now, because I’m Kemetic I used heka to enchant a pair of gloves I was making for Zolfyer. Since we’re moving and a lot of complex things are going on with our finances, I focused on blessings, prosperity, strength and creativity (because he’s an artist). It worked wonderfully, since I was basically mumbling and focusing over the gloves the entire process of making them, they exude energy and magic just picking them up. I am very pleased with the success of binding magic to the crochet. I have to admit I’m a little concerned that I charged the hook too though. I’m not always going to be enchanting things after all.

The crochet hooks are useful conduits, and I don’t particularly have to direct energy through my fingers since you hold your project, your hook and your yarn with both of your entire hands. I can’t say whether some materials are better than others as far as hooks go. I only have metal and plastic hooks (and bamboo, but those are a pain in the ass to crochet with because they provide friction. Excellent for beginners or with slippery yarns, not so much for more experienced crafters like me and less silky yarns. Gods help you if you’re using acrylic or cotton). If someone else uses other materials, like different woods, glass or something, let me know if you notice a difference yeah? Also, if someone both crochets and knits, I’m curious if the different crafts have different ease of use with enchanting.

Here’s an annotated version of the heka I used. It can be modified to directly bless hands, and if you throw arm related words in, it can be used to bless arms and arm-related things. Just the same, this heka can be used for anything worn on the hands. This is not exactly what was said, since I’m writing this down after the fact.

You are blessed. Your hands are full of blessings. Prosperity pours down on you. Your blessings are so great as to overflow. They pile into your hands until they are full, and fall at your feet to bless your home. They bless the very ground you stand on, and even your feet. Your whole life is full of blessings. Prosperity comes to you. It surrounds you and fills you up. You never lack for anything.

Your hands are powerful and full of strength. Your hands are that of Atum. They are the hands of Ra. Your hands are those of Ptah. You create your world with your hands. They are mighty and powerful. You are Khnum, who crafts his desires and breathes life into them.

You are Wepwawet, who scouts ahead. You find the best path to your goals. With your hands you open the way, you destroy the obstacles before you. You crush your enemies with your mighty hands. Obstacles fall before you, powerless to stop you. You find the best way, with your hands you open the gates to your desires. You are the Mighty God. You are He with a Strong Face.

You are Anubis, who protects. You are He Who is One with Ma’at, your hands are full of ma’at. You protect those you love, with your hands those you cherish are protected. You bless everything you touch, your loved ones are blessed by you. You exude ma’at from your fingers, prosperity leaks from your fingertips. Your hands are Anubis’, you bring calamity upon your enemies. You destroy those that stand against you. You bring calamity on the enemies of your loved ones. You are the strongest god. You are Lord of Heaven and Earth, Lord of Light.

You create the prosperity you seek. With your hands you create your blessings. Like Khnum creates with his hands, so you create what you seek. You make new what is broken, you replace what is lost. Like Anubis your mighty power binds what is broken.

You are Ra, who drives the sun boat. You brighten the world and drive away isfet. Your power is the mightiest. You are Set, the powerful god. You drive away isfet with your powerful hands. With your hands you slay the Demon Snake. You drive away the Snake of Isfet with your power. Isfet falls to your feet, powerless. The Snake is crushed between your fingers. Your enemies cannot stand against you. Obstacles fall away with no power. You are He Who Protects the Barque, and isfet flees before you. In your presence, isfet cannot stand.

You are Djehuty, the wisest god. With your hands you make powerful plans. Your plans are wise, they are full of ma’at. You make ma’at with your hands, you make your plans succeed with your power. Your wise plans succeed. Your mind is full of creativity. Inspiration comes easily, it overflows. As Djehuty your hands perfectly execute your plans. Your creativity is expressed beautifully with your hands. Your hands make true your inspiration. Your wisdom is shaped into reality. You succeed in bringing your thoughts to the world, you express your thoughts as you see them with your hands.

Your ideas are blessed. You bring your loved ones into your prosperity. Your blessings overflow from your hands and bless others. You create your blessings, prosperity is poured into your fingers. Only ma’at falls into your hands, your hands only spread ma’at. Isfet is not here, you receive no isfet, you give no isfet. It is defeated, it cannot stand against you.

 

(At this point I was almost done the glove. I then enchanted it with a way to maintain and strengthen the spell).

This spell will not fail. It cannot be broken, even if the threads unwind. It is strengthened when you are happy. When you are blessed it grows stronger. When you are prosperous it is renewed. When you succeed it is refreshed. This glove cannot be lost. If it is lost, its twin will find it, it will find its twin when it is lost. They cannot be separated. When its twin is refreshed, it is refreshed; when it is refreshed, so is its twin. When it grows stronger, its twin is strengthened; it is strengthened when its twin grows stronger. It renews its twin when it is renewed, when its twin is renewed, so is it. They cannot be lost, they will always find you. If you lose them, they will find you, if they are lost, you will find them. They bless the one who finds them, they bless the one who returns them to you.

After this, make sure the gloves know their twin, and make sure they know who their owner is, otherwise there’s no point to most of the last enchantment. I suggest having whoever you’re giving them to verbally claim them and wear them soon after they’re made and given to the receiver. Unless you’re making them for yourself, in which case claim them and wear them. Happy enchanting!

It’s Been A While, So Let’s Talk Dreams

I’ve been away for a while. The combination of school and daily life cuts into writing big time. And personally I just felt like I didn’t have much interesting to say. What would I talk about? School is going really well. I have a project to work on for Psych class, and I am really having way too much fun with Anatomy class. We did dissections a few weeks ago, and I’ve always been morbidly fascinated with the body. As a little kid I watched medical shows that showed surgeries and diseases in their uncensored grossness. Even when I scrunch up my nose and are gagging I’m still having fun. Yes, I am thoroughly weird. Another side is that Zolfyer and I are looking for a new apartment to move into by the end of December. We like our apartment, but our landlord is not reliable. Our mailbox lock has been broken for three weeks, meaning we haven’t been able to get our mail out of it, and they haven’t come to fix it despite us calling them twice to ask. The thermostat that controls the heat for the entire building is in our bedroom, meaning we have to be cold at night so as not to cut everyone’s heat off. We can’t have a heater, and the thermostat was supposed to have been moved months ago. We’ve asked for it to be moved several times, it’s still there. So, we’re trying to move.

On a happy note, Zolfyer finally got out of his shit job that was making him sick with stress and got a graphic design job. He is loving it and has regained a couple pounds already, and he’s only been there a month. Currently he’s on his way to getting sick. Something is irritating his throat and making him cough, but his sinuses aren’t really acting up and he doesn’t have a fever. On top of that his stomach has been upset. I’ve given him tea and it’s helping, so we’re gonna hope he doesn’t get full blown sick. No lower respiratory tract infections, those are gross. Not to mention, he’s one of those people who doesn’t get sick very much, but when he does, it’s hardcore. And I always get sick from guys.

As far as my spiritual life goes. It’s both more and less complicated. I’ve found that I’ve moved away from the god-centric path that I originally tried to have. I still honor Anpu, give him praise and offerings and prayers, but I haven’t been to shrine in a couple months. And ya know, He’s been really chill about it. Something tells me He saw this coming, but He has made it clear that He will still be a safe base for me. Which I’m glad about, because somebody shoved me down the damn rabbit hole and I have no idea what I’m doing.

I still have the occasional zombie dreams. Sometimes they make sense, sometimes they don’t. Recently though, and more frighteningly, I’ve dealt with astral dreams that are way over my head. A few weeks ago to a month ago, I had dreams dealing with mafia bosses and monsters. Now, I know that sounds cartoonish, and it was a little, but I know these aren’t dreams of imagination. I’ve noticed recently that I’ve been “gone out” into the astral with Dapper more, as opposed to hanging around Anpu’s temple. This leads to me interacting with more people, which I’m ok with, but I can’t keep track. Mostly I’ve been dealing with assigned babysitters.

A few days ago I was out with a group of these guards and we ran into what essentially can be described as a kaijuu or mini Eldritch abomination. Lots of tentacles, lots of wanton destruction and sharp teeth. Somehow me and these three wolves (they’re like Dapper, with human-y forms) ended up fighting this bastard. I’m not really helpful in a fight, so I was handling strategy and healing. At one point I’m in an office building watching over the fight. Thankfully the government isn’t completely inept and most civilians are away from the danger, but some are still escaping, and there’s always the national guard/local soldiers to look out for. I notice something creeping up behind me and it’s a spirit of some sort. I choose to call it a demon because it had a very creepy, dangerous energy to it. I was wary of it, but it just talked, about the fight mostly. I’m fairly certain it asked about me, but I don’t remember the dialogue as much. I do know our conversation ended when said monster did a typical monster thing and blarghed an energy beam everywhere. I had to run and dive to avoid getting killed and crushed by debris as it hit the building I was in. Last thing I saw was the demon before one of the wolves came in and rescued me.

The dream cuts over to the wolves and I gathering in a parking garage where some government officials were plotting how to escape. There are still civilians in the city, so we weren’t that keen on helping them, but I fielded questions about the monster and tried to help the conversation for getting more citizens out. Of course the beastie should show up and start fighting with the wolves. The wolves ask me to take down the wards constraining their magic. Why I’m in charge of that, I don’t know, but I do and they go ham on the tentacled bastard. Next I leave the building. I don’t know why I left the building, I really don’t, but I went through the other side of the parking garage to find a school playground. With kids still in it, apparently oblivious to the kaijuu rampaging not more than ten yards away. And a strange woman came out and grabbed me. Dream cuts over to the wolves, and their increasingly successful fight. I’ll make it short and tell you they won. They didn’t kill it, but it’s too weak to keep rampaging, and the officials take the opportunity to bolt, and nearly get got as they drive past the injured beastie.

It then jumps back to me, feeling half drugged and confused in a cluttered apartment. Whoever is with me, the woman who grabbed me from the school, is also the same demon from the office building. And she’s being a creeper, petting me and running her fingers through my hair and giving me chores to do. I go with it because I’m not fully there, my thoughts are all kinds of scrambled. At one point she tells me to clean the sink, and it’s a major pain in the ass. Besides it being full of mushy food, the big spoon she gave me has this dumb ass hole in it. Strangely, there were also coins of all kinds in there too. All shapes and sizes, different currencies, some of them old. I actually collect coins in real life, so these mysterious coins piqued my interest, and I was trying to separate them to keep them, but some of the little ones were at risk of falling down the drain. At a certain point this woman stopped me and pulls me over to the bed. She starts combing my hair (which is longer Over There than it is Here, like, way longer, especially since I cut it Here) and telling me how sweet I am and how pretty my hair is. So pretty she’s gonna turn it into a scarf. Which she does, pulling it tightly and hard before cutting it off. I’ve been getting increasingly pissed off this whole time, and trying to shake off whatever magic she’s got on me.

She makes a creepy comment implying that she did unsavory things to me and that she intends to do more. That got me awake and pissed enough to control my magic and blow off the spell. I grabbed her by the throat when she turned around and started to choke her. She made some strangled comment about loving me or something and I grabbed the scarf she had made magically out of my hair and proceeded to strangle her with it. She changed her form so I couldn’t kill her, first so the scarf slipped down to her shoulders, then she grabbed an object, a framed degree or something, to keep between her and the scarf. Then she turned her head and neck into a book. In that form she couldn’t move, so I took the opportunity and bolted.

Cue creepy escape, complete with abandoned building and demon voice following me as I tried to escape. I had tried running down the stairs, but I felt my legs getting weak and her magic chasing me. I wasn’t sure if I could get away before she could come after me, but I remembered my magic, now uncapped since it had to be to let the wolves loose. I figured since I didn’t want her chasing me, I went back and attacked her. She was still recovering from her transformation and I set her and her apartment on fire. It wasnt normal fire, more like the move amaterasu from Naruto. She screamed at me for being cruel when she loved me and I got out of there. The playground was mostly empty now, and I got found by my wolfies and we got out of there.

I didn’t think more of it until last night, when I had a freakish dream about Dapper getting attacked and flipping shit. Like, losing his fucking mind. It was terrifying because he has never, ever, freaked the fuck out. Not like this, it was more than just being terrified. I couldn’t even be sure if I was entirely there. I felt incredibly dissociated, and I couldn’t help as much as I wanted. I’m fairly certain I took him to a hospital, where he was able to call one of his contacts. I woke up shortly after that.

I’ve been rather freaked out about that since.

A Project Idea

So, yesterday a friend posted an interesting article about a school district in Florida. Apparently, some conservatives and evangelicals made a big fuss to get Christian religious materials distributed in public schools. Well, the Satanic Church sued to allow their materials in, and the judge agreed that it would be unconstitutional to forbid their stuff while the Christian materials were allowed in. As such, the Satanic Church’s Children’s Activity Book was distributed to the students in the district.

My friend commented that he wished such an activity book existed for Kemetic kids. I couldn’t help myself and jumped up to say I’d be interested in making one. So, if anyone is interested in helping, give me a ring. More importantly, if any Kemetic parents have suggestions for what kind of things they want to see in such a book, please, please tell me!