This is a status I posted to my Facebook. Currently it’s hidden because Zolfyer wants to take a look at it, however his family doesn’t know about this blog and I’ll happily post it here. The status is really for his and Cousin’s family, to alert them to why he’s been kicked out. It’s been edited to exclude their names, but otherwise this is the status as I wrote it.
Yesterday evening I put Cousin and Fiancee out of my house. Two days ago I argued with Cousin about using the slur “midget” in my house. I had not intended to start an argument, I wasn’t even angry, I simply said “I don’t know if you realize, but midget is a slur.” He first told me “I’m not trying to get into thiswith you right now.” When I stood my ground because I A) was not tryingto fight, B) have a right to control the use of slurs or other insensitive language in my home and C) I can get into it with whoever I want over whatever I want and he must either shut up and listen because my house, my rules or get out. In the end he told me “Lots of people use lots of slurs everyday.” I told him I don’t care, this isn’t that house, we are not those people. If he wants to make a house where they use slurs all day everyday, he can go right ahead, but while they were here, he would not do that.
For all of Friday and all of yesterday, neither he nor Fiancee spoke to us in any capacity. They were rude to my guests on Saturday, one of whom is supposed to be Cousin’s friend as well as ours. They didn’t so much as tell our guests god bless you when they sneezed. Instead they spent the entire day on our internet, pretending we didn’t exist and completely isolating themselves in our living room. While we were in there.
This morning they broke some rules. They say they don’t remember me giving them the rule that whenever they leave, they must tell someone they are leaving. I gave them this rule so that we can lock the door behind them and be aware that they are leaving and where they are going so that, in the event of an emergency, they can be located. I’m ok with them not remembering that rule. I’m not ok with them speeding out of the house so they can avoid interacting with us, and more importantly leaving their ferrets without food or water.
When they returned I told them I wanted to talk. That I wanted to tell them some new rules, and make clear what behavior is and isn’t ok. I made them agree to listen, because we weren’t going to argue. There is nothing to argue about, they don’t have a right to argue, because it is my home and I have a right to dictate rules and what is or is not ok behavior. Fiancee agreed, Cousin remained silent and I had to ask twice more just to get an “mhmm”.
I started with this morning, asking them if they remembered me giving them a rule about telling people when they were leaving. I also made it clear that it wasn’t ok for them to act like we didn’t exist, and it wasn’t ok for them to scramble out of the house to avoid us. I also told them it wasn’t acceptable for them to leave the ferrets without food or water just because they had a problem with us. Cousin decided that he could argue that point, dismissing my issue by saying “Ferrets can go without food or water for 24 hours.”
It doesn’t matter. You don’t leave your pets neglected and stranded for any reason. He insisted that I didn’t have a right to dictate that since they’re his ferrets, and I told him that as long as they are here, in my house, I did. It is not acceptable to leave your pets neglected while they are living in my home. He continued to talk over me and blow me off, as well as saying that he wasn’t required to speak to anyone if he didn’t want to. Nevermind that I had just told him that wasn’t ok in my house and that is a rule. Silent treatment is not allowed, it is manipulative and mean-spirited. He continued trying to argue with me, so I told him to leave.
He said he was happy to leave, since I always try and have these conversations when Zolfyer isn’t here so I can “step over the line”. I told him, in no uncertain terms, that I have a right to step over the line. It is my home, my name is on the lease, he is a guest, allowed to be here at the risk of us getting evicted, out of love and generosity. I get to draw the line, and step all over it if I so desire. Further, Zolfyer made clear to me that he would stand behind whatever decisions I made and anything I said to them, so that’s a moot point. I am also not stepping over the line by asserting my boundaries and my authority in my house for him, a guest, to abide by. I am not stepping over the line by demanding he respect me and my house and my rules and right to make rules.
I will no longer tolerate being disrespected, dismissed, or made to feel uncomfortable and miserable in my home. I will not argue with anyone about what is or isn’t appropriate in my home. This is my home, I get to dictate where the line is, what the rules are and what is or isn’t acceptable. I will not be talked down to, I will not have arrogance flaunted in my face, I will not have my rules broken. I will not be told that my rules don’t have to be followed or that I can’t say what is or isn’t appropriate behavior for every creature living in my space. They are not unreasonable or extreme in any fashion and I have a right to set them and give out consequences.
You were MY guests. Not my roommates, my guests. I and Zolfyer allowed you here out of the kindness of our hearts. No one else took you in, so without us you’d be stuck in Georgia. Yet you have the gall to treat us and our house with contempt? To post memes on facebook about how you’d rather work hard for everything than say anyone gave you something? We gave you a roof for you and your pregnant fiancee, we have allowed you to stay here for only 100$ a month so you could save quickly and in large amounts. We have let your disrespect and contempt for our rules and our right to set them for too long. You are not allowed to speak to us that way, as if you have equal rights to this house, as if we have no authority over our home. You will not take pot shots at my integrity either and stay here.
You do not get to ignore me and Zolfyer, or treat us poorly. How dare you come into our home, on our dime, our space, our love, our kindness, our generosity, and treat us this way. How dare you be so nasty and rude and callous to me. How dare you dismiss my feelings and my needs, my right to control my home and feel emotionally safe in it. If I had said no that day he asked if you could stay, you wouldn’t be here. How dare you do that to your cousin. How dare you make him feel miserable and unsafe in his home, a home he pays for in its entirety, including taking care of you and your fiancee. You are not allowed in this house again, except to retrieve your belongings. If you cause any problems for us while retrieving your things, we will have an issue.
Your ferrets are safe here. I won’t leave them hungry and thirsty just because I have a problem with you and your behavior.
If any family or friends have any questions about this situation, please feel free to contact us, as this was a long time coming, because Cousin and Fiancee have not been good house guests. Cousin has been disrespecting Zolfyer and me for longer than this one week. We were trying to be good cousins, generous and loving and forgiving. We were hoping to be able to work this out, and this is not our first time having to reestablish rules with them because they were breaking them. We were trying to not be hardasses and we didn’t want to ask them to leave, however, our home has become emotionally volatile and unsafe due to Cousin’s behavior and the fact that he doesn’t respect me and treats us with contempt. I will not allow this behavior in my home, I am not beneath anyone and I will not be treated like I am.
For any friends or family who want to know, they have until Wednesday to get their things. They MUST CALL ME before they arrive, or they won’t be allowed in. Not Zolfyer, me. Their ferrets are allowed to stay until Friday, after that they become ours and will likely be taken to a shelter unless they make arrangements with us.
It’s nice to have them out of my house, I will say that.