Wandering Around Like a Lost Puppy

It’s my MO really. I get that line a lot, because I’m an insomniac and walk around the house looking for something to do or some way to sleep. Well, really the phrase I get is “stop wandering around like a lost soul” but I like mine better. Lost puppies get free food, water and hugs when somebody finds them. Lost souls tend to get shooed away, if they get noticed at all. I need some free food and hugs right now.

So, I know you all saw my last post, about figuring out what to do to get out of this spiritual rut I’m in. I did the one thing I know will always help. I asked my sister for advice. We’re twins, you see, but she was born first and we have a much more big sis-little sis relationship than one might expect for people born two minutes apart. We wanted it that way from the beginning (no lie, ask our parents) and it serves us well. Even so, we still also display the typical closeness you expect from twins, though we are very much our own people. The point being, there’s been very few times that asking for my sister’s advice has ever gone wrong, and it’s usually related to getting caught drawing on the wall with crayons or touching our dad’s speakers when we know we’re not supposed to.

I’m very lucky to have her, and she didn’t let me down with this advice either. So, I asked her to do some readings for me (she’s my go-to diviner) and they were kinda weird but they made sense after I thought about them. She also gave me her big-sis intuition advice which was basically, she doesn’t think Anup has an issue with it (my own divination on the matter implies the same) and that I should approach Kali before I lose the opportunity. I’m probably gonna do it. I’m still gonna take my time, and not rush headlong into anything, because I have to keep up whatever I start, and rushing into a really excited fervor ended up being unsustainable and is part of the reason I’m where I’m at now. That was something the reading she did for me mentioned, to be careful how much effort, excitedness and whatnot I put into my endeavors, because I’m going to have to maintain that once my initial excitement and energy is gone in order to maintain whatever I gain. It’s not an invitation to be lazy, but just to be aware of what I can reasonably sustain long term.

Ironically, I also ran into two posts by friends today (thanks dashomancy) that kinda help. Neither of them were about me, obviously, but they were really coincidental. One about working with a chaotic god and learning how to be passive and how to be aggressive, how to surrender and how to push forward (I am both really good and really bad at being aggressive and pushing forward, not so good at the surrendering part) and I think I know where I’m at and what Anpu is trying to accomplish here. I could be wrong, but what I’ve got makes sense. Right after I see my other friend’s post, and well it reminds me that I’m always feeling like I’m wandering, and I’ve always been the house wanderer. IRONY, COINCIDENCE, I HAS IT.

So, off to research, and we’ll see what goes from there I guess?

(I feel I should point out, that I’m scared shitless. Kali scares me, for reasons I’ve outlined before. She’s much more forward than Anpu, much less gentle. She reminds me very much of Sekhmet, and though I’m not terrified in the sense of a bunny before a tiger, I am scared. I’m afraid of what will happen next, of not knowing, of going down a new path, of fucking up. I’m scared of not being able to go back at all. I’m ok with going back changed, I guess, but I’d like to still come back to that supremely patient Jackal with gold eyes and a stern face that sighs and pats my head. I don’t like new things with no backstory, no warning. I don’t like not having a preface or an outline or even just a goal or expectation. I’m not good at making decisions, or thinking ahead and I freeze in the moment. I’m so anxious and foggy-headed all the time. This is scary, but I guess change always is. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I don’t want to be a disappointment.)

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