Oscillating Mind

So, when I first got into this pagan thing I glossed over something. Literally as soon as I dropped searching for an alternative christian path and pursued paganism, Kali showed up everywhere. Actually, she was there even when I was looking at alternative christian paths. She was on my Facebook every day, she showed up on my deviantart, I probably would’ve seen her on tumblr if I had one when I started. The people posting pictures of her weren’t even devotees, even my future kemetic friends had some. It was crazy.

I ignored it all. I was scared of her, she’s gorgeous and terrifying. Seriously, she had tusks and a demon head in her hand and loads of people (all white and non-devotees now that it think of it) made sure to paint her as super dangerous and frightening and basically said she would eat me. I’m fairly certain at least one person did literally say she would eat me. So, I ran away and pursued kemeticism and Anpu. Do I regret starting kemeticism? Not at all. Do I regret not approaching Kali? Yeah, I do. Thing is, I still can’t get over my fear. I also don’t know what I really want out of my religious life anymore.

I thought I knew, and then I realized I don’t. I thought I knew what gods I wanted to hang out with and thankfully he wasn’t mean or nasty to the dipshit running in circles. I don’t know what I’m doing (I’m so bad without frameworks) and I’m lazy and don’t have the energy or concentration I used to on top of it. I’ve been spinning my wheels for a long while and I’ve no clue how to get out of this rut.

Well, the scary blue/black lady who slays demons pops into my head again. She’s good at the rut stuff, at breaking them up. She’s a lot like Sekhmet, now that I think of it. A super scary, destructive goddess who is also a loving mother and will whomp you to get up and dry your tears and pat your hair. Buuuut, you don’t see me waltzing over to Sekhmet cavalierly either. *sigh*

well, here’s my question to the gods then. Anpu, what’s your opinion? What should I do here? How do I get out of this rut? What would you like? Do you mind? Kali, depending on the jackal’s answers, I don’t promise anything, but what do you think? Are you still open to me? And please, both of you, be clue-by-four to the face obvious.

To the humans, I am totally open to advice, opinion, conversation and whatnot.

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11 thoughts on “Oscillating Mind

    • I know I can choose, although I personally believe in the gods as separate beings from myself that actually exist, not as manifestations of aspects. Nonetheless, I appreciate your encouragement

      • Reflections, not non existent or internal. The food and clothes we choose are reflections of parts of us too (but more prosaic than the spiritual ones, of course).

      • Ah, I guess I misunderstood what you meant by “manifest” then. I suppose that’s true, I guess I’m just not sure what to do with it? I don’t know which parts they’re reflecting and whether I want to work with/on those parts of myself right now

  1. Hey, long time no see! Is that how the phrase goes? I’m not Englishing very good right now.

    I come back to WordPress and your post is one of the first I find. 🙂 Seems like you’re progressing along your path more than you think. After all, it seems like you’ve figured some things out and have reached a fork in the road.

    Have you tried doing some divination to ask Anpu and Kali what they’d like from you?

    If She makes you nervous, why don’t you look up some of Kali’s past devotees to see what they have to say? Try Ramakrishna and Vivekananda. I know for sure Ramakrishna was a bhakta, but I can’t remember is Vivekananda was more of jnana guy or if he was also a bhakta.

    In your studies, don’t read anything by Wendy Doniger or her associates, however. They’re pretty . . . ah, colonialist in their outlook. It’s absolutely nauseating.

    If you’d like, I can email you some choice bits from Vanamali and the Devi Mahatmyam if you want to get some perspective from native practitioners. You can also try shreemaa.org.

    I think a lot of people who emphasize Kali’s scary aspects are looking at Her from a Tantric perspective without really understanding Tantra. In Tantra, goddesses like Kali are absolutely terrifying, no doubt about it, because in that framework, things . . . operate a little differently. This isn’t to say Kali is sweetness and light outside of Tantra, but I would hazard to guess–not having any direct experience with Her–that being a plain ol’ bhakta vs a Tantrika will make a difference. There’s a reason why many people will say you need an experienced teacher for Tantra while you only need love for bhakti.

    • I haven’t done any divination yet. I don’t quite trust my own judgement here, I don’t divine very well in my opinion. I wanted to wait a little bit before I did any divination. I’m glad to see you’re back though! I miss you 😛 I’m pretty sure I have a Vanamali book, I just haven’t read it yet. I also was looking into bhakti things and not tantric things. It seems easier at the very least, which is probably not the best way to go about things, but I intend to understand as much cultural background as I can and that’s already overwhelming. India is a very big place after all! That’s the other thing, I’m wary of poking at this without some talk time with the Jackal because I’ve done the whole “get excited by what I’m researching and walk into a wall” thing already XD I’ll probably ask for some outside divinatory help soon.

      • Ugh, the divination struggle is real. If you have a support network that can help you, deffs reach out. Do you have anybody you’d recommend, actually?

        Do you have Vanamali’s Shakti book? If you decide to go that way, you could pick one of the mantra from that book and chant it. Some people will tell you to avoid the bija mantra, though.

        I would strongly suggest you continue to steer clear of Tantra unless you work with someone who knows what they’re doing. Stick with bhakti. Even many of the scriptures recommend bhakti, and bhakti isn’t necessarily easier. It’s unconditional love and seeing your ishta devata in everything–even in things you hate. But if I recall, it’s considered the “safest” practice, where even a little of it does a lot.

        I’ve recently steered more towards Shiva and Durga than the random-stuff path I’ve been doing lately and I feel your pain. Particularly, Shiva may have been around longer than I care to admit. Kind of eerie.

        It’s *way* too easy to walk into a wall or an abyss. Personally, I think you should get some outside divination, then just sit on it for 2 – 6 months, depending on how you feel after the divination. It’ll give you time to chill and think. This is, of course, assuming that Jackal is okay with it.

      • Yes, I have Vanamali’s Shakti. I really liked what I was reading and I haven’t even gone that far into it lol I wouldn’t be surprised if the Jackal was ok with it. He’s been rather chill, and I get the feeling sometimes that he’s just around as a safe haven for me more than anything. I know I can ask Him for anything, but he doesn’t expect a lot. I dunno, I’m trying not to hear sockpuppets, so it can be hard not doubting what I hear.

        As far as recommending diviners, I can think of a couple right off the bat, like my twin sister. She’s usually who I ask for readings from, and she has good rapport with her decks. She’s supposed to be giving me one of her oracle decks (it was very friendly and accomodating to me when I played with them), so I could also poke around for you when I get it as practice. Umm, I could ask others. They’re all kemetics though, but they’re good at reading.

        Speaking of which, this whole thing is reminding me of a reading I got a couple of months ago saying “do the thing, with gusto!” and then a few days ago I got one saying to be careful with who you ask for advice if they’re a stranger and people offering random advice you didn’t ask for that didn’t seem related to the question I was actually asking. And then you show back up at literally the perfect moment and now my head is spinning XD

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