An Update

So school has started again. Class was OK today, it was hot in there, which was the main reason it wasn’t better. I’m particularly sensitive to the heat, and I despise being hot. It screws with everything and just makes me feel ill. On a positive note we were doing the microscopes and tissues labs so I got to look at cool things like cells in mitosis.

I’m trying not to be freaked out over school. It isn’t more work than before, but now I feel more fragile than I’m used to. I’ve always been sensitive, but now I feel like I’ve completely fallen apart. I had a dream a couple of nights ago. I was in one of my rooms, it could have just as easily been the bedroom and probably was, and I was standing. Z was near me, walking around and talking to me. He might have been cleaning (he does that) and was wondering if I was OK or needed help. I told him no and started drawing up energy. Now, usually, drawing up energy is a disturbing thing. I don’t mean unnerving, it merely disturbs my equilibrium because it’s strong, foreign energy. My energy tends to be low key and fluid, like a bathtub. When it’s high or gets stirred up then it’s more like a small river. I rarely get superbly upset or enraged, so I couldn’t give an accurate metaphor. Perhaps a short storm, a lot of noise and water and wind that peters out quickly and ends with either sunshine or overcast. I sense my own energy as muted, either blue or green (I sense most peoples’ energy in these colors unless there are emotions involved).

When I do magic or energy exercises I usually gather energy from the earth (except for recently where I’ve been using heka), and it is very strong and dense. Since I still have issues grounding, it can leave me overstimulated for days. So, this dream having me do just that was weird. Normally I wouldn’t do such an exercise if I’m feeling unbalanced. However, in the dream the energy was extremely muted and warm. It wasn’t overwhelming, nor was it fluid, electrifying, sparkling (like pop rocks), or speedy. It was more like syrup or honey, a dark forest green and enveloping as opposed to expansive. As I pulled this energy from the earth I made sure to spread it out so it touched every fiber of my being. It was then I realized I was shattered. Like a mosaic, the energy was becoming the frame and scaffolding to hold the pieces together. I’ve never had such a dream before. I’ve never seen myself hurt or shattered or broken. If I’m healing, usually it’s someone else who is hurt.

Quite frankly, I feel the dream is very accurate. I dropped myself off a cliff and broke apart. I was already fragile and unstable; I make jokes about being delicate all the time, but I never really took it too literally. I don’t think anyone has. I made a joke when I got out of the hospital that my brain can’t even do abnormality right. With conversion disorders, typically the patient isn’t really aware of their internal psychological suffering. Sure, they know they’re stressed, but instead of being plainly overwhelmed, they get physical symptoms instead. I’m plainly overwhelmed and getting physical symptoms, so, even doing conversion disorders wrong.

On top of that, school is still going and one class is getting blocked. Apparently I need both of my anatomy classes to take it (the class in question being microbio). The problem is that I’m still in anatomy 1 and can’t take 2 until summer. I can’t register for micro bio in fall because it needs both. I can’t take micro bio by itself because I can’t afford to pay out of pocket for it and financial aid needs at least part time status, ie two classes. The solution is either wait until the end of summer semester and pray that there’s still a seat left, or get special permission from the dean to register. I still have things to handle with the office of disability and of course the classes I currently have.

Then I found out I owe a lot of money on my taxes this year and I’m just trying to focus on not falling apart again. While I wait for doctor’s appointments and try to coordinate my healthcare. Did I mention my mom has to fight with the insurance company because they denied coverage for my hospital stay? See, this is why I need to move to Sweden or Japan. Or Germany. Right now I’m reminding myself that other people, capable people, are handling some of these problems. I’m reminding myself to breathe, breathe because for asthmatics breath is a hard thing to come by and stress worsens asthma. Breathe because I cannot fall apart again. Not like I did, not worse. Breathe because I am anchored, somehow, in the earth.

In the dream Z was right there. He stood next to me and watched patiently as I slowly and painstakingly anchored myself together and to the earth with magic. I am certain he lent his own energy, he was holding me up at some point. He does this very palpably in real life as well. Without him I’d be a horrible mess. I have at least some internal stability because of his support, patience and his providing external stability. He reminds me that I shouldn’t worry about things I can’t control, and that he and others are here to help and take care of things too. The entire week of spring break I slept horribly. Only two days did I get enough sleep, and sleep at night. The other days I would only sleep between 2-4 hours. If I got a nap it was way too long because I was getting the other 4-6 I missed and it was very restless. He slept on the couch with me for three days when I couldn’t sleep and got up when I couldn’t sleep in bed until I could. Actually, I probably wouldn’t have slept at all those three nights on the couch if he weren’t there.

Nonetheless, at this point we could use some more blessings. Lots of them actually. And I need a new brain or something, because I’m tired of feeling sick and broken and depressed. Too bad you can’t update your mind so easily.

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2 thoughts on “An Update

    • Yeah. Z made me feel a lot better yesterday. He reminded me that good things come to those who wait, and that we’ve often had cascades of bullshit happen when it’s better for me or us to wait or hold off on something. So, we’re still working a plan out, but things are coming together

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