Hey all, so lots of updates to talk about since I last updated. First, I have my own place now and am living with my love Zolfyer. It’s certainly a new experience, since I have never lived on my own nor lived with my boyfriend before. I am greatly enjoying it though. Next week will officially be one month living together, so I’m excited. We haven’t argued too much thankfully and I find myself more relaxed in many ways. I have to admit that his tendency to get stuck on a joke or song and swing it around for days makes me twitch, especially when I’m trying to concentrate lol But I already knew he did that, and I imagine I’ve annoyed him with some particular quirk already too. We’ve already got some compromises in place and over all it’s mighty peaceful. The most flabbergasting part is that we have cable and haven’t watched tv yet at all XD Unfortunately we were one cable short when hooking everything up, so the cable box doesn’t work but the router does. So, we have internet and no tv. Really it’s nuts. The majority of the time I couldn’t care less, I don’t watch tv that much and don’t mind not having one, and he isn’t a huge tv watcher either, so it doesn’t quite matter. Nevertheless, we are paying for it!
This new place has also allowed me to stretch out. I don’t have to confine my items and activities to two rooms. I was amazed by both how much stuff I had and how much stuff I didn’t have. Most of my things fit neatly somewhere and have a proper place. This new space also means that I can be all pagan-like in peace. While my family never harassed me about it, I didn’t feel comfortable because they are Christian. This new ability to relax in my own space and peace also means I can start considering the best path for my spirituality to take. As it stands I really don’t know what to do with myself. I made my first appearance at shrine in months today and I still feel the same way I have before: that my practice is shallow and bland, directionless and vague. I have no idea how to fix it. I ask the gods and they just watch me. Maybe I’m deaf, maybe they’re expecting me to figure it out, maybe they don’t even know yet. I’ve no clue. As an added bonus I don’t know what I’m going to do about Persephone. It isn’t that I don’t know what I could do, unlike Kemeticism, Hellenismos has a cornucopia of resources and followers to gather information from. However, I’m not sure how I could handle the expectations. As far as I know, for example, you’re not supposed to eat the food offered to the Hellenic gods. Well, I’m poor, I can’t offer food and not revert it. In general I’m also just wary of approaching and working with Her. She isn’t threatening so much as I’m not sure I know what direction She’ll take me in. Maybe She just wants to help with the transformation I seek within myself and to teach me some basics about “how to pagan” so I feel more confident going back to Aset and Anpu. I don’t know. I imagine I’d have to ask, but most of the time I don’t trust my divination skills. I always worry I’m doing something wrong or misinterpreting. I don’t know.
I’m also really mad, because I can’t find my lighter. So annoying, I want my candles lit dammit. Speaking of candles, I now need to search out the best ways to arrange heka, or magic, whatever. I have several siblings as I may have mentioned before. The middle four live with their mother (my twin and I, and the youngest two, live elsewhere) and I worry terribly about them. Every time I talk to them I hear about their mother and stepfather’s behavior, which is distinctly and undeniably abusive. As far as I know it’s only (“only”) psychological/emotional and physical abuse. Regardless, I can’t sit idly by while my younger siblings suffer and have their minds warped and brainwashed. Not to mention their mom has three other children as well and I care about them too. Unfortunately trying to call in the authorities is a complex and not entirely good option. Except for the youngest three, they’re all over 13. The oldest is 17 in fact. She would undoubtedly know it was me if I called DHS or CPS regardless of whether I reported anonymously. She tells me too much and she knows it and I (most of the time) give her my opinion. I can’t step in directly because that would only backlash on her, and probably have my access to her restricted. Intervening in such a way, whether by contacting the city or confronting myself, would only backlash in unpredictable ways on all of them. As an added bonus it would be impossible for me or our family members to take them in. There’s too many kids and not enough money or space, even if we split them up. And that’s another thing, because they’re older, if I called DHS they would very likely get sent to homes just as shitty and separated from each other to boot. Then they’d be on the street at 18 with nothing.
The prudent action to take in this situation is difficult to ascertain. Obviously I can’t sit idly by and do nothing. I’m their older sister, it’s part of my job description and personal ethics to protect them. However, the available mundane actions have difficult and hard to predict consequences that could cause more problems than solutions. So far, my best option is to appeal to the gods. I plan to do that soon, and am looking into the best gods to ask for help in this situation. In the meantime, if anyone has suggestions and/or advice for how best to proceed mundanely, feel free to comment. If you’d like to help in the heka, please feel free to do so. There’s seven kids, they need to be protected from danger of all kinds, rescued from abuse and given support in any shape or form so that they can be healthy mentally, physically, emotionally and above all safe. Their mom isn’t a bad person, but she isn’t stable and her husband is a bad person as far as I’m concerned. I am convinced that most of this abuse started after he entered the picture, and he is frequently a perpetrator of emotional abuse against them.
So many reasons my life is better, so many it’s more difficult. I don’t know how to adult.