Recently I’ve had some issues with doubt and a depressive episode. I had meant to write about this a while ago, but anyone who’s ever had depression knows that sometimes just getting up and eating is enough of a challenge, much less organizing thoughts for writing. Even now, when most of the dredge has lifted, I am eating because my stomach is mewling, not out of any desire to eat. Funny how that works huh?
I’ve noticed a pattern to my depressions, though they don’t always run smoothly into complete freedom. I also am prone to anxiety and panic, though I personally don’t consider them much in the way of panic attacks. I guess I can project calmness too easily or something. Or rather, I can keep the anxiety inside myself instead of it bursting out to startle people. Unless of course they get in my way while I’m cleaning or doing some other thing to dispel the anxiety.
I mention this because I find myself doubting the most during depression. Doubting everything and everyone. Myself and my sanity, my path and my gods, even my boyfriend and relationship. It’s very disconcerting and not easily dispelled. I spend a lot of time reminding myself of what I know and think and feel when I’m healthier and that this too shall pass. I admit I often even doubt that, that it’ll pass. It’s difficult to see out the tunnel when there’s no light right?
During this time I read an article by Devo. It’s a very useful post, especially for those confused newbies, but for someone depressed and not hearing their gods it can be a little faith-shaking. I wondered (and still wonder) if I did enough research, if I thought things through enough. I am aware that my initial foray into Kemeticism was childish and born of childish thinking and desires, but I feel I’ve wizened up a little. Still, I had to wonder if I had been too rash and foolish and if I should backtrack and change things up. I guess one of the Netjer decided to intervene here because every time that thought popped up so would thoughts about how they’ve come to help me.
Aset responding clearly and quickly when I called out to Her for help. Anpu talking to me and comforting me on several occasions. Anpu, Aset and Set helping me out when I was panicking over my grandfather’s health (and Anpu giving me something to help keep nightmares out of the house). Set talking to me and hanging around when Anpu was busy. Anpu recently came back too. Aset was pleased with my recent cooking expedition. I really have no idea what’s going on with Set, but who ever does? Perhaps I should have taken more time to consider and been more thoughtful and researched more, but now I’m here and gods have responded. I still have more learning ahead of me, but for now I need not doubt.