Doubt and Depression

Recently I’ve had some issues with doubt and a depressive episode. I had meant to write about this a while ago, but anyone who’s ever had depression knows that sometimes just getting up and eating is enough of a challenge, much less organizing thoughts for writing. Even now, when most of the dredge has lifted, I am eating because my stomach is mewling, not out of any desire to eat. Funny how that works huh?

I’ve noticed a pattern to my depressions, though they don’t always run smoothly into complete freedom. I also am prone to anxiety and panic, though I personally don’t consider them much in the way of panic attacks. I guess I can project calmness too easily or something. Or rather, I can keep the anxiety inside myself instead of it bursting out to startle people. Unless of course they get in my way while I’m cleaning or doing some other thing to dispel the anxiety.

I mention this because I find myself doubting the most during depression. Doubting everything and everyone. Myself and my sanity, my path and my gods, even my boyfriend and relationship. It’s very disconcerting and not easily dispelled. I spend a lot of time reminding myself of what I know and think and feel when I’m healthier and that this too shall pass. I admit I often even doubt that, that it’ll pass. It’s difficult to see out the tunnel when there’s no light right?

During this time I read an article by Devo. It’s a very useful post, especially for those confused newbies, but for someone depressed and not hearing their gods it can be a little faith-shaking. I wondered (and still wonder) if I did enough research, if I thought things through enough. I am aware that my initial foray into Kemeticism was childish and born of childish thinking and desires, but I feel I’ve wizened up a little. Still, I had to wonder if I had been too rash and foolish and if I should backtrack and change things up. I guess one of the Netjer decided to intervene here because every time that thought popped up so would thoughts about how they’ve come to help me.

Aset responding clearly and quickly when I called out to Her for help. Anpu talking to me and comforting me on several occasions. Anpu, Aset and Set helping me out when I was panicking over my grandfather’s health (and Anpu giving me something to help keep nightmares out of the house). Set talking to me and hanging around when Anpu was busy. Anpu recently came back too. Aset was pleased with my recent cooking expedition. I really have no idea what’s going on with Set, but who ever does? Perhaps I should have taken more time to consider and been more thoughtful and researched more, but now I’m here and gods have responded. I still have more learning ahead of me, but for now I need not doubt.

6 thoughts on “Doubt and Depression

  1. I also hear the “do tons of research” and think “what, did I do this wrong?” I did not choose Anpu–He chose me (I’m working on a blog post about how we met, so to speak) and when I went to do research, it seemed like all I got was death-related stuff. It was the UPG of other worshipers/followers/devotees/what-have-you that convinced me it was Him knocking on my door.

    I”m not saying that you shouldn’t research, but you own experience is a valuable thing as well.

    • Came here to tell you that this was my day today before I read your blog about Ma’at becoming Isfet, and how Set and Anubis are misunderstood, chaos and death are misapprehended.

      I’m replying to your comment, Briar instead of Aine because both of you should know that reading Aine’s blog brought me back to the feeling of not just a series (back-to-back-to-back BAM BAM Netjer screaming HELLO) of UPGs, but a UPG that just “circumstantially” occurred while a physical-plane frog was next to me.

      Mark the frog thing. Important.

      That reaffirmed my unique brand of what I’ve been calling Esoteric Jungian Setianism (no joke) faith that was forged… actually almost exactly a year ago. Summer Solstice 2014 y0.

      Because in another blog here, Aine, you wrote that Anubis might work in tandem with Set for transformative chaotic processes―Set enacting benevolent chaos into your life to shake you out of where you don’t need to be, even if it hurts and stings, and then Anubis comes in to usher in healing and (as I took it) seal the transformation, marking the death of your old life, which is the beginning of your new life.

      Briar, back to the frog standing next to me during the most intense, transformative UPG of my life (to the point where I felt out-of-body, “a Born Again moment”)…. Frogs represent transformation. Nuff said. I’ve never been happier (or less-medicated) in my life.

      And it’s always been hard for me to integrate divinity into my life, because―I’m feeling the love to share it with you… it’s my “weird I don’t even tell weirdos about”―I have two psyches (same body, same mind, same memories, same karma, different “tone” depending on which psyche the thought is coming from, different reactions depending on which “heart” is internalizing it.

      And an oracle, a soul-portrait artist, a psychic medium, and a Reiki practitioner all experienced as “Elf”. Every time.

      Oracle said “the fae are paying special attention to you, almost reverent, a bit confused, when usually they’re pretty self-assured that humans are fickle and slightly entertaining”

      Soul portrait dude, and psychic at the same time (after watching me “reverse the grounding alignment of my spine and still stay grounded”– trick from my Zen years) said they saw an aura that was “unusual in the way they saw it”, in that it “wasn’t clear bright white due to color, but just pure powerful brilliant light…” {turn heads to look at each other} we were talking about it and we were like… Elf. A High Elf.”

      My first Reiki session, she was new in town, I didn’t know her. She started speaking in tongues when she got somewhere between my heart and solar plexus. Afterward, she said, “I know this is all new to you, but that was actually new for me. I’ve never spoken in tongues before. I only ever saw it happening in church growing up, and this was not that… If I had put a word to it… idk elvish, maybe?”

      Then there was the whole three-hour “Except that your Half Elf. Say the fantastical, embarrassing words, in your head, I’M HALF ELF.”

      So yea, finding a path that works for dual-psyche’d half-elfs is pretty difficult.

      Anyway, as concretely as Reiki-lady moment sealed my belief in where my “distinct subverbal thought variant” came from.

      UPG, not research, confirmed that, and placed me firmly outside of Atheism.

      UPG confirmed synchronicity, made me identify as Agnostic.

      UPG confirmed my belief that UPGs are even a thing and shifted me out of Agnosticism into “panentheism”.

      World-shattering UPG(s) /caused/ my belief in deities. Connected many dots over the past year (The Dot Pattern I laid out on my blog “Why Set and Lucifer might Work Well with Me”), specifically caused me to identify as Setian.

      Your blog, post, Aine, /reminded me of that pivotal UPG with the frog.

      Your post pulled me into a full-body recall of that experience, and into elation. UPG power-boosted. Faith in deities working in tandem, confirmed.

      “Frogs represent transformation” is all it took―and your one blog, Aine, attested to Anubis as transformative, reminded me of two little dots that connected to The Big Picture (Frog+Transformative experiences) connected to (Anubis–>Set–> the pillars upon which everything I believe rests―….

      So, I can attest, bear witness to, what Briar said “It was the UPG of other worshipers/followers/devotees/what-have-you that convinced me it was Him knocking on my door.”

      Is there a Kemetic version of Hallelujah or Amen?

      • Dua basically means “praise” or “glory” (something like that, it’s most definitely a term of praise). I may say Dua Anubis! Or something. Also, we’re pretty open (specifically Briar and I) to weirdness so you’re cool here, though I will admit to not understanding the sensation you’ve experienced as dual-psyche.

      • The best way I can describe it is that Otherkin and Therians (if you care to make the difference)… I hate speaking on behalf of others, but most I’ve known identify FULLY and have the most intimate “Interfacing”, with their identity and kin, through astral experiences or sub-astral things like phantom tails (which is an aura/ether/subtle-body thing, not astral)…

        Umm… some subscribe to having been an animal spirit born in a human body in a way that sort of booted-out the human’ness (or simply got there first- Move Your Feet, Lose Your Seat)….

        Hmm… The above scenario can possibly apply to changelings as well…

        Regular human or Otherkin-as-self-described-in-my-life: Single Psyche, one place where all their emotional processing starts and precedes to build into conscious thoughts.
        They incarnate with either an admixture or composite of “Human soul + Other soul” that becomes one, to varying degrees depending on How Much Other dissolved into the mix…

        I have two places where my emotional processing can start.
        We have the same Form (this body)
        We feel the same Sensations (this body sensing things)
        We feel the same impulse (Instinctual reaction) bc this is an animal body we share
        We have the same Center of Being (some would call this Sentient Will) that these impulses pass through and either react Negative, Neutral, or Positive.

        That’s everyone.

        (In a chakra perspective, we’ve only touched on the Sacral Chakra slightly below your naval)…

        Above this is where the Neutral, Positive, Negative forms into complex emotions and visceral reactions, triggers, physical reflexes (In Zen, I could sit still through anything by focusing and breathing below this part of the body, so, yes, the fact that we’re sentient means we add fuel to the fire, so that something that WOULDN’T bother us if we’re operating from our Center of Being/Sacral Chakra…

        … It could make us flinch, gag, vomit, have a panic attack if we’re operating higher than that

        This sort of “Making-It-Personal” space is in the Solar Plexus (around where the middle of your non-distended diaphragm is).

        Instead of the elf mix and human mix ACTUALLY MIXING into the Solar Plexus to be “properly” distributed throughout the body in all chakras (Otherkin, Changeling), going into a lower, more impulse-based chakra (Therian); going into HIGHER chakras (I speculate anything above the Throat chakra) leads to more astral-based kin (Elfkin as opposed to Changeling) that connect and travel more often “back home” through astral projection….

        And, in the case of Alters/”Headmates”, several “mixes” likely go into either the Heart or Throat, I assume. Not really sure.

        I had one mix/shard-whatever incarnate in my Solar Plexus and another into my Sun Charka or “Hrit Chakra” (H-R-I-T) in the original Hindu/Tantra.

        The sun chakra is right between the solar plexus and heart (so about the sternum)―this is UPG; the original Sanskrit texts place it “just below the physical heart, on the left side” and it doesnt say if it’s far down enough to be beside the solar plexus―…

        …So it’s hit or miss which psyche primarily processes the Neutral, Negative, Positive impulses. I usually do, and then it can get intercepted from there and reprocessed (which makes me think the Sun Chakra is higher than the solar plexus)….

        If they are side-by-side, I’m assuming my human psyche gets Home Field Advantage since this is a human body.

        From there, either “my” complex emotions or “his” complex emotions―or “mine” intercepted and modified by “his” or occasionally the reverse―and from there they filter up into the mind as memories, interpretations, perceptions, pre-conceptions, biases, emotional pain, the actual stress from a trigger… and we all know the story from there.

        No matter “who” it came from, it all ends up in the same thought-space (Manas chakra).

        I’ve trained my human-psyche to generate thought-forms (this would happen in the throat chakra) that refer to itself as “I” and my elf-psyche as “you.”

        I’ve also trained my elf-psyche to refer to itself as “I” and human-psyche as “you”.

        I’ve tried working with separate sets of pronouns for each, but it’s too hard on my mental faculties to keep that in check.

        I can tell which one it is when I’m calmer bc I have the energy to use different “tones of voice” for each. When my mind is reeling, both the internal voices basically just hijack the same tone and it can get really confusing.

        But, regardless, I know bc human psyche processes like human (flippant, self-sabotaging, nostalgic, covetous, and most of the “intense” primal emotions: fear, sadness, joy, etc…)

        and elf psyche processes like elf (pragmatic, discerning, occasionally nostalgic, detached from getting enthralled in emotional fits, neither negative or positive; it gets more of the less intense emotions: self-righteousness, indignation, amusement, sensuousness, “seriousness”, other things I can’t explain but basically are wayyyyyy less suffering-exacerbating than human bullshit [that “human bullshit” was from my elf-psyche]….)

        My spiritual side is much more human stuff bc elf-psyche can’t really internalize the human spiritual experience that our bodies were made for (with humans as the blueprint). Elf helps sort shit out, read archetypes, generate enough indignation to make me get a little cold and tactless in social justice arguments (bc Elven “egos” aren’t so fragile, they don’t have to worry as much about trigger-words and slurs, mostly bc their realm is way more orderly, in Ma’at-of-Its-Own-Kind over there…. so less discrimination, less oppression, less.hurt feelings, more Cut-To-The-Chase without taking it personal)….

        And generally call myself out and put a halt on non-helpful thinking.

        But my human side has to intercept “tactless” (devoid of human tact) expressions before I say them, but in my mind it’s whatever.

        It probably makes some things easier and some things worse (extreme sensitivity to social chaos, MIGHTY NEED TO MAKE THE STUPIDITY *STOP** [<— elf]).

        I started thinking my mom may be completely elf and it somehow integrated well into human form. She is so pragmatic, so unfazed by torrents of bullshit, so… Elf Archetype….. It's possible that I got it from her.

        My compassion and empathy come from my dad. My mom has Cognitive Empathy, which is less destructive in some cases, but not so much Emotional empathy (my dad thought during dark times that she as "alien", "robotic", "unfazeable to the point that it freaked [him] out in an existential/question-everything-[he]-thinks-he-knows-about-humans way…. Hence the mommy issues he projected onto me and made me hate my life and become a neurotic miserable, existential Shinji. Except Mommy instead of Daddy Ikari issues….)

        Uhmm…. I've never articulated any of this before. Regardless, you got bits and pieces of "expressive functions" from each of "us/me". I just use "T" and "K".

        T = human, birth-name initial
        K = elf, name-that-stuck-best initial

        –That was T… I'm not weeaboo trash….

  2. Idk if it tells you when I comment on a comment to OP, but the comment I made to Briar was also written for you.

    The context of it was, I was miserable, tipping into existential crisis, bored out of my skull, everything lost, spirit locked away, numb..

    Just this morning and until I read /*your* blogs/.

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