Hey you three, I wants to say hi. I know we’re still getting to know one another and all and I’m tripping over my feet, so I figure to help me get better and more comfortable with talking to you, I’d write letters here. It’s partly because I like typing, like my blog, can keep my thoughts and things private if I really need/want to, and can keep everything together here as opposed to in ten different notebooks/journals. I will likely get notebooks specifically for this purpose as well when I get money or can decide on an already owned one, but I hope this is a good start.
Anpu, I appreciate you taking me in. I know I didn’t exactly start this off with the most mature intentions, but I really can see me being your follower forever. Learning about you revealed so much more than I thought and I can’t wait to see and learn more about you. Your calm and patience is forever appreciated, especially since I can be so very difficult. I don’t know what you’ve got in mind for me, but I feel like I can trust you not to hurt me, you are a guardian of the lost after all and sometimes I feel very lost, and that’s often when I feel you nearby. I can’t tell you how much that means to me, and I very much appreciated you and Set making your presences very obvious last week when I was upset and enraged over unkind things that had been said to me by someone who claims to love me and when old hurts by this person boiled up after. I think back to my old religion and realize that I’ve never palpably felt such comfort and affection from that god. He never outright ignored me I don’t think, but it was always words, never a comforting presence when I’m near tears and want to set things on fire and take a pole to everything breakable. I didn’t think I’d ever prefer silence over words, but actions say so much more and you came through for me and we’re not even that close yet. I can’t wait til we’re closer than my mentors with their gods. The thought makes me happy. I’d love to hear more from you, more in terms of maybe things you’d like me to try and do or get, things that would make you feel honored and worshipped, or simply pleased to call me yours. Life as an adult scares me, so does life with Set, and with You and Aset. I am afraid of messing up with you three and with Boyfriend and with everything. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to even get that life started. Every turn I feel like something is burning the rug under us and I don’t know why or how to stop it. I need some clarity or comfort here, just to say what would be a good turn to take or just a “patience, I got this” would be great….Here’s where faith comes in I suppose, I trust you and I trust Boyfriend and I trust Set. Still would help me relax if I got an “it’s ok” or something, cuz I’m struggling and lost and need you.
Set, I’ll admit you terrified me. I never thought of you as evil, in fact I’d never heard that stuff before I started looking into this path. I can’t say I’d heard of you beforehand period, but luckily I found those who know you and got me the real info on you first. You still make me nervous, after all you’re insane, a nut, and you are tough. But, you barged your way in and now I’m determined to be yours as much as Anpu’s. The thought of the havoc and chaos you’ll undoubtedly wreak in my life to toughen me up and make room for great things both in my soul and my mundane life is nerve-wracking, but I know you aren’t just gonna leave me alone to flounder til I drown and at the very least I have a calm force in the form Anpu. It’s gonna be like staring down a bull and scary as hell, but I believe I can trust you to whack me when I need it and tear apart mountains when I can’t take them anymore. In Christianity they talk about god being the one who will rend the earth and give up whole nations on my behalf, but also being the one who expects much and gives challenges to bring you closer to righteousness and I swear they stole all of that from you. Just, I see you being the one to tell me to put my big girl panties on while threatening some Thing or Person to back off or else. The Else being fire and sand and the strength of your arms and skill of your blade. We’re still getting to know each other, but I’m sure I’ll have fun and get angry with you for a while of my life yet. No matter what craziness you’ll bring or how intimidating you are, I find myself trusting you. I find myself believing that you aim to help me and that you care about me and I find myself wanting to be closer and seeing the Crazy Princess of Destruction that my mentors see. I pose the same question, help me with ideas and requests to facilitate dialogue and relationship building between you and I. Not just that, but help me understand where my life is going and why it’s not going or doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. Am I not doing something right? Am I overlooking something? Even a general “go look over there, I saw something shiny” would be great. Please and thank you?
Aset, my lady who I have only just met compared to Anpu and Set. I feel you nearby, waiting patiently. I know I asked you in for a purpose and that purpose hasn’t come about yet, but I feel like we will grow close in the future. I know it was a little ridiculous to ask for your teachings as a Wife and Mother when I am not even close to those right now, but you came anyway and told me you would help. I cried out in need and frustration and asked for you to help me in these ways and you came, just like Anpu and Set have responded when I reached out in tears. I appreciate that so much, so very much. And you have not asked for much since then, but I want to give you something or do something that will make you feel honored and appreciated. It would make me happy to have something I could do for you.
I know I can be kind of deaf, dumb and blind and hardheaded. I know I’m whiny and a crybaby, but I ask and speak out of sincerity. I would keep going, but I’d be babbling at a certain point and I am tired. The only thing I would ask of the three of you is to maybe help me find a way to communicate, or rather, hear or notice your answers, more easily. I’m still stumbling around in the dark here, I am still operating on how I was taught to communicate with deities from a different religion and mostly in the dark here. Floundering sucks, but I’m trying to think and work on it and would so appreciate help here. Love you three, but I must be off to sleep ya know?