It’s hard living with a chronic illness. Doesn’t matter what kind, having a chronic illness sucks ass. Even if it’s mild, it sucks. It saps your energy, saps your mind, probably causes pain. Focus dies, sleep isn’t enough, it gets hard to be cheerful. Asthma is one of those chronic illness that makes you want to trade organs in. For those with mild asthma it is merely a nuisance and a hidden threat (mild asthmatics can have life threatening attacks under the right circumstances). For those with moderate or severe asthma, asthma that defies control and just makes things so damn difficult, well, it’s a regular threat to a normal existence. Or, you know, life.
The thing about any chronic illness is, if it’s bad enough or affects you in just the right way, it can disable you. Maybe not completely, but it makes you review everything you might normally do. I hesitate to be near a sick kid, I cringe when near a coughing person on the bus, even light jogging and short sprints are rethought. Stairs are glared at, walking is frowned upon, and the most irritating advice you can give me to care for my asthma is to exercise. I used to play soccer, years ago. I remember being very good at being goalie. It’s not that I didn’t like being goalie, I loved being goalie, but the reason I got so good was because I couldn’t run. I was fast, but it would flare my asthma. The ragweed in the field set me sneezing, as did the grass, oh joy, my asthma doesn’t like running or my allergies to grass and ragweed. Couldn’t run more than one game on offense without puffs, defense was easier, goalie was best.
I don’t know what was wrong with my high school, but that shit was perfect storm. Dust, mold, two thousand other kids and a campus of grass, trees and weeds, all on a hill four blocks from the train. Oh my lungs hated me in high school. I missed prom because I had a jackass gym teacher and a bitchy doctor, one demanded a note excusing the asthma he’d seen flare multiple times and the other refused to fork one over because she just knew so goddamn much about asthma. Not to mention it has very specific requirements for “good weather”. Too hot, flare, too cold, pain breathing and flare, too humid, flare, too dry means too much snot, pain breathing and guess what? flare. Any combination thereof? flare. Overly hot and humid (besides sucking my energy and making me feel horrid and ill) just makes me feel suffocated. Cold and humid or dry makes it painful to breathe and sensitizes my airways.
I want new lungs. These ones are defective. Plskthx. The last three weeks has been one of asthma. I was actually doing well. Since I left high school my asthma has been much calmer, I even went over a year without an inhaler. I still don’t know what set off my asthma, but it was enough to kick ass to get an inhaler. But ya know what really sucks about being chronically ill, and asthmatic in particular?
You can’t tell when you’re fucking sick until it’s too late.
Chronic illness is exhausting. Asthma is exhausting, it is sapping, draining, and fatiguing. I mean, it’s affecting your oxygen intake for heaven’s sake. And mine enjoys daytime and nighttime flares, so I can’t even sleep well, because my body is still panicking over breathing enough. I am achy and in pain from my body using extraneous muscles to try and get air in and out, not to mention just being partly oxygen starved. So, now I’m tired from restless sleep, tired from not enough oxygen, tired from the effort of breathing and overworked muscles, and feeling crappy from all the above. Wheezing and coughing and sneezing are part of the asthma package for me, so it’s really hard to tell if I’m actually getting sick, on the verge of sickness, or just having an extra sensitive day.
The reason I needed this fiery rant was because this morning I dreamt about my asthma. Like I said, my asthma is just as likely to flare at night while I’m asleep as it is while I’m awake. I’ve woken up at four am wheezing and gasping more than enough. I’ve dreamt about grabbing my inhaler and then waking up to reach for my inhaler. Well, today I dreamt I had to use my nebulizer. Here’s the thing, the nebulizer is inherently more effective at delivering medicine through my lungs and relieving an attack, but as a tradeoff side effects like shaking and dizziness are more pronounced. I don’t like using my nebulizer, it’s noisy as fuck and annoying to setup and breakdown and see above mentions of side effects. So, dreaming of that was quite a telltale sign. But, whatever else was going on in this dream, which I feel was important, was completely erased and overshadowed by the asthma part.
You see, I had gone downstairs in this dream and setup my nebulizer and went into debate with myself over what I should do. Talk about whether I was somehow getting sick and maybe didn’t know it, trying to think what respiratory infections came with few symptoms, coming up with ideas of what could be causing such an extensive flare. And part of why I was going through this was because I was realizing that I wasn’t feeling fully open and clear after using my medication. I was still feeling tight chested and short of breath, mainly at the bottoms of my lungs (sometimes at the top, ie could feel like the rest of my lungs were inflating but right at the top is a band of tightness). And I have a mildly productive cough as well, which is frustrating. The last thing, and really the main source of contention between the lobes of my brain, was whether I should go to the doctor or hospital. You heard right, I was dreaming about debating over an ER/doctor visit while on my dream nebulizer with myself -_-
If that isn’t your body talking to you, you clearly are dumb, deaf, and blind. I woke up a half hour before I was supposed to, even before Nephew woke up to cry like he does every day. And I tried to take a deep breath to read and get a feel for how my lungs were feeling, since ya know, dream and all, and I couldn’t do it. I heard the wheeze, I got the cough, I felt the rawness and tightness. FML as I now had to get out of bed and go get on the machine. And then I couldn’t find it >.> took me a half hour to find it. You wouldn’t think you’d be able to lose a machine the size of a large, cube tissue box, the weight of 2 pounds of meat, with six parts and a box of plastic medicine vials in a large and colorful bag, but apparently you can. It did make me feel better, but my lungs are still sore and raw (yay cold and wet weather, pollution and living with a smoker, oh and three weeks of inflammation and damage >.>). So yeah, still debating.
In happier, less ranty news, even though I got home later than normal, I had privacy! No one else was home and I took advantage of the opportunity and went to shrine. Tea, bread and cookies for Anpu, Set and Aset. Still feeling awkward and blank in shrine. Don’t really know what to say or how to say it, especially for offerings. Don’t know what to do with myself or say after offerings, and of course hard to shut up the worrying, chattering part of my brain. It would’ve been better if our neighbors hadn’t decided it was a great time to be banging things around like they were chasing flies and beating children. Although, the appearance of a despised bug does make me worry about whether I did something wrong.
I dunno, I did my best to follow Aset’s instructions and offer something She would like. I don’t know if maybe I insulted Set or something, or Anpu. I hope I didn’t, but in general it didn’t feel like a bad thing. I felt like it was pretty decently received actually. I watered my plants, which have taken up residence in the little shrine space I have, mainly because it’s under the window and they need light, and I used the oil from a reed diffuser to fragrance the room. Lit the candles I have for Them, put the tea next to Aset’s candle and sat on the floor and felt like a nOOb as I often do in shrine. Got interrupted so much cause the noise the neighbors were making made me go see if it was Baby Shadow and if he was ok. Really hard to concentrate when you hear banging and the not happy squeals of children.
Anyway, I think Aset may have something to say to me. I was in shrine and noticed my plants shaking even though the flames were perfectly still and when I asked if She was trying to tell me something, only the flame on her candle started wavering. It was interesting, and I had no idea what to make of it. I was trying to be objective, there are any number of reasons a flame might waver, or leaves on plants might tremble. Considering nothing else was doing much, and weird sensations in body and brain, and I’m pretty sure I got something to go on lol I don’t know, I’ve never interacted with Her before. This counts as interaction number three.
*sigh* I still don’t really know what I’m doing, oh the fun of being new lol Hopefully I’ll get some sort of response from the three Netjer? Who knows.