I’ve been thinking about a lot of stuff lately. Religion, work, moving out, writing, brain function, health, and mildly politics are the topics of choice. It’s hard not to consider politics when it’s all over the place from the elections coming up and all this bullshit over women’s rights and such. However, I’m really not that interested now. Both candidates are gonna cause problems, but at least one isn’t trying to tell me I can’t control my own fucking body.
Anyway, as far as religion goes, I’ve been thinking about it recently partly because it’s just something that tends to float around my head at various times and various intensities. Also, I have been thinking of it because I’ve just had a constant desire to talk to Anpu. No particular rhyme or reason, nothing I feel He wants to speak about, just a constant nudge to talk. Any kind of talk, I get the impression He doesn’t really care. Perhaps it’s because He wants me to get used to the idea of talking to Him, I don’t know, if someone can tell me, go for it lol Honestly though, I’ve been sorta ignoring the urge, because I honestly wouldn’t have any idea what to do. Talking seems so simple, but when it’s with a deity, a being that you cannot see nor “hear” in the conventional sense and you still have to worry about sock puppets, well it’s not something you just hop into with ease and fluidity. Especially when you grew up in an environment where speaking with god was sacred and serious, despite the conflicting assurance that you could talk to Him about anything, including wants and needs. Well, I’m only used to that sort of prayer, the daily update, daily thanks, daily request kind. With occasional outpouring of heart and problems, usually in mental/emotional breakdown format. So, just chill talkin for like, literally no reason than just the hell of it? Yeah, not easy.
I mean, I was considering using my tarot as a facilitator, which didn’t seem to meet any opposition from the Jackal in question (in fact, I think part of the reason it kept popping up is because He may have been saying do it), but it was still like, ok but this still seems a little awkward to me. And, I happen to be aware that He’s a busy god; He’s not always in my head, He’s not always immediately responsive if I call out to Him, so, yeah, prattling away like a ninny just doesn’t seem very desirable. Not to me anyway, I don’t feel comfortable doing that, He cares a lot, but I can really go on forever, often repeating myself. And then there’s still the problem of responses and how would I know I’m not just muttering to myself? I am insane you know, I do talk to and argue with myself, out loud, in public. I talk to objects and argue with them when they don’t do what I want, such as stay on a shelf or something. I argue with my brain, talk to a fox spirit, have clinical depression and anxiety, bipolar disorder runs in the family, I have obsessive-compulsive tendencies and I’m a hypochondriac. I am fucking nuts. Stands to reason I’m a creative right?
I don’t know really how to handle this situation at all. I get the feeling He would enjoy me making the effort and mustering up the courage to be a little silly, a little stupid, a lotta awkward, and that He’d like it in shrine (don’t get me started on the state of my bedroom) to just talk and get to know Him better. Alas, I don’t know how to do that really, because I think too fucking much and get too caught up in other shit or am just tired or have no privacy or just get plain terrified. URDOINITRONG syndrome is mighty hard to get rid of when you spend your time being told you’re doing it wrong or have no possibility of ever getting it right. No wonder I was never at peace as a Christian, even when I was enjoying it I had no peace. There was always the thought and worry and shame of sin. It’s horrible. I know it works and brings peace to some people (and good for them seriously), but with the other factors in my life and upbringing, I wasn’t one of those people.
I got into Kemetism to have deities I could get close to and who I knew and could feel care about me, only to realize I really didn’t know anything about the former. I’m so glad Anpu accepted me when I came to Him, because honestly I don’t know what I would do with a pushier deity or one with less patience for him-hawing. He is the Patient One, the Jackal waiting til dusk to retrieve His pickings from the desert. He is willing to wait until His cache is perfectly ripe, perfectly raw and ready to be carried away from the sands. Yup, so glad to be with the patient one. Here’s hoping Set doesn’t decide this is a great time to get loud…. It sucks not to know what you’re doing. That’s the nice thing about more mainstream religions, especially the living ones, there are mostly clear instructions on how to do right and on what not to do. Not so over here! Nope, gotta figure that out on my own.
But, another reason I’ve been thinking about religion is that TB and I are trying to move out before the year is over. He essentially just got a job and is still doing freelance design work and my assignment is school-year long. This is great, especially since today BGF decided that he would, in fact, be trying to live with us. He was seesawing because he’s concerned about his mom having a place to stay and he found one she could afford by herself and is taking her to see it tomorrow. If she likes it, he’s on board with us. And honestly I can’t wait to move out. First off, just the longer I’m stuck away from TB the more unhappy I get. I’m really at the point where it is more than just annoying and inconvenient to not be able to go home with him and see him every day, to hug him and kiss him and annoy him with my obsessive habits and be annoyed by his. It is becoming painful, it is becoming depressing, I miss him dearly just being at home at night. It sucks to wake up in bed without him somewhere nearby.
However, although this is the biggest and most important reason I want to move out, it is not the only one. I also want to move out so I can have space. I do not have space here, I do not have privacy, I cannot comfortably explain why i may want privacy. I love my grandmother and I love my sister and my nephew and Baby Shadow but dammit Sister and Nephew and Baby Shadow take up space everywhere. I cannot sleep deeply because Nephew cries and Sister doesn’t always wake up quickly, or because he never went to sleep in the first place and is wailing because he’s bored or not feeling well. My room cannot be clean because Sister never has time to clean her half and help me sort the communal parts of the bedroom. Baby stuff is everywhere, clothes, toys, bags, not to mention the stuff we grownups already have around. Privacy is a misnomer, there is no knocking or locks, there is no alone time. I’m constantly bombarded by requests to take Nephew, get something for him or Sister, do something for him or her, and it doesn’t matter if I’ve been out all day. I’ll get up at seven to go work for nearly seven hours, ignoring my hour travel both ways and go do errands or take the opportunity to see TB and come in the house at 9pm, only to be asked within thirty minutes to take said baby.
I love my nephew and my sister to death and will gladly take him from time to time and play with him and of course change diapers. I will put my book or crochet or computer down, or let him bang on the keyboard. I’ll feed him, put him to sleep, walk him around (he wants to walk, that means I hold his hands and let him think he’s walking with me) and all manner of things. But, I don’t want to be doing it all the time, or when I’m getting in late or trying to do something I find important. And I don’t want the attitude when I refuse. I love my nephew but he is not my baby and it is not fair to expect me to play such a huge role in his care. I’m a supplement, not a main course.
And honestly this extends to Baby Shadow. He constantly wants attention, to be pet, played with, and no one ever wants to do it because he doesn’t stop. It doesn’t matter if you’ve played with him for an hour and took him on a walk and pet him for twenty minutes straight, as soon as you stop he’s jumping and pawing and shoving for you to continue. And he’s a big animal, so it’s not like his pushiness is easy to blow off. Not to mention he’s nosy and always hoping to get something, meaning he’s constantly in the way or staring at you like you should totally give him some of that cheese please. It’s irritating and exasperating and ends up with a lot of talking, commanding, yelling, popping, swatting, pushing, shoving, thwapping and punching of this dog. And he won’t stop just because you yell at him and whack him on the ass or nose. He’ll back up, but then come right back over. It’s just so cramped in this house!
Everything is crowded and everywhere, the energy is stuffed up and stale, the house is stuffed up and stale, there’s a mild undercurrent of conflict and unrest. Maybe it’s me, but not all of it is. I just want to get out to someplace I can sit quiet or at least not be bothered in the noise. And someplace where I can say “I need to make an offering” or “I need to pray” won’t be met with raised eyebrows or awkward questions. I mean, they’ll always ask why I’m praying since lots of people pray when they’re something other than happy, but still. Sister is ambivalent towards my choice of religion, just a couple notches more enthusiastic than TB but equally supportive, but that doesn’t mean that I can just flit to the room, light some candles and meditate uninterrupted.
I can’t even begin to get a handle on Gm. She’s only made a couple comments about it, and they were based entirely on extremely limited info Daddy gave her and fear over the weird shit that was going on in the house at the time. Refuting them quickly and thoroughly has since brought radio silence on it, but I don’t kid myself into thinking she’s alright with it or would support my doing ritual in the house. And just, I dunno, she just hasn’t seemed very happy or open in several months. As such I want to get out and get some elbow room and energetic room and just a corner where I can have a real shrine and go pray at it without having to worry about tons of noise or interruptions or just being tired and holding a child. Or there being stuff in my way of feeling comfortable and sacred. Thankfully both TB and BGF are incredibly neat and clean so I’ll always have help in that area.
Not to mention I’ve lived in crowded quarters my entire life. Like literally. It’s annoying, it’s exhausting, it’s difficult, especially when boundaries and respect for other’s stuff is lacking or only applies in certain situations. I admit I’ve been guilty of doing that sort of thing, but I’ve been better about it I think, in the last year or two. I just want my own energetic space, even if it’s actually shared space, but with the knowing that I’m entitled to it for myself and encouraged to hold it for myself and feel free, positive and safe in it without feeling boxed in or worried that I’ll get in trouble over something.
The last reason has a lot to do with the highly expounded upon space reason I mentioned above. And it’s all about religion and having religious space and the ability to actually practice with some semblance of ease. Both TB and BGF are aware and supportive of my path and have guaranteed that I’ll have shrine space and respect when I need time to myself for doing prayer or ritual or doing spooky stuff. Knowing BGF he’ll get in on the spooky stuff just because he’s that sort of person. The fact he’s mediumistic and thoroughly insane just lends itself to that. He’d “get along” with Set I think, that would be one hell of a snarkfest XD
Wow, nearly 2,300 words. I’m really going aren’t I? I think I’ll leave it off here and talk about writing tomorrow in a separate post. I had originally gotten on here to write something short about religion and then prattle on about writing, but I see I’ve done the exact opposite. Oh well, I got it out right? Here’s cheers to getting the frustration and complaints out and of course to the Jackal, who shows patience while I stumble around on this path. Good thing He’s a king of wacky paths huh?
The Woods of My Heart 
I’ve been doing this stuff, solidly, for over a year now. And I *still* feel like an idiot when I sit in shrine. I just talk and ramble and repeat myself, but I still feel like I’m a complete idiot. Part of the thing, I think, is because it’s ingrained in us to pray for big stuff and not bug deity about the little things, but the point in this is to build a *personal* relationship with deity. And part of that means prattling on about the big stuff and the little stuff.
And the “maybe I’m crazy part,” that’s doubt. And that’s a good thing. It means you are human. But to get through that, you have faith. Faith that it is real, faith that you are hearing gods, and faith that this is the path for you. Faith isn’t supposed to be easy, but it’s important. And it’s part of the path. The only way to get through those “I’m a fucking nutter” is to have faith and if that means, you’ve got doubts then *I* say you’re doing it right. Blind faith is the Christisn way, but I don’t think it should be ours.
Well, if I may respond backwards lol I actually don’t personally know many Christians who approve of blind faith. At least, not the way I define it. Most encourage the questioning of doubt, and both YHWH and Jesus disapprove of blind faith outright in the Bible. But, I could agree that there is a lot of contradicting implications and expectations when it comes to interacting with deity in Christianity.
I have faith about one thing (it wavers mildly but that’s because I’m just an anxious person) that Anpu cares and isn’t gonna ditch me. Why? because He’s seen me at total nuclear meltdown and is still around. Yeah, I worry, a lot, and the doubts come into my head, but I get that with TB too, and it’s not any fault of theirs. I *know* they care and will stick around, but it’s still just there, invading and causing distress. And, I AM crazy XD it’s more the problem of feeling unsure and embarrassed.
I mean, I have faith that He’ll hear me at least. I mean, obviously He wants to talk, He kinda said it more or less. But, I also know how He wants me to do it, and that makes me spin in circles in anxiety. I can barely pray outloud by myself, when I know I’ve got no one to worry about overhearing me because they’re all asleep! I’m used to praying in my head, but I don’t think that’s it. It’s the same problem that locks up my words when I’m very upset and having a hard time and am trying to tell TB what’s wrong. I literally *can’t* talk. I can form sentences all day in my head to explain what’s wrong, but I can’t push them out my throat. It isn’t always a strangling or choking sensation, the words just stop, like a traffic jam. Heh, guess that means Anpu is someone I’m terrified of losing or scaring off. I even occasionally have this problem with BGF, and he’s someone I know won’t go anywhere if only because we understand and trust each other so well that anyone else wouldn’t know where to start with us.
I trust Anpu and TB, but…there’s still the desperate fear that I’ll be alone because I’m just not normal in any sense of the word. That I’m just too much, too loony, too scary, too scared, too broken. I can get the words out on paper, and obviously in my head, but not out loud. I’ve had this issue for years. I don’t want to be shamed or punished or abandoned for my thoughts and fears and feelings, especially if they’re completely senseless and lack logic and I *know* they do. I’m very emotional and such and well you have experience with the pain of depression. And quite frankly just always being told implicitly or explicitly that there was something wrong with me and that I was going to get left or that I was making a bad decision. Yeah, I’m gonna stop making you my therapist lol
I don’t think Christianity encourages blind faith but a lot of its followers tend to desire it or practice it or think that is the point in the religion. A lot of things that you find in the Bible directly contradict this, of course, but too many people have gone out preaching that blind faith is the only faith. And to question is to risk selling your soul to the devil, or something.
He probably wants you to do this to help you with your issue. I’ve noticed trends that gods enter our lives with the express purpose of getting what they need (the energy) and giving us what we need (usually in the form of healing or empowerment of some kind). So, in that regard, one has to wonder if he’s asking you to stop outside of your comfort zone in the hopes that it will help you later on in life.
My mom fucked me up when she told me that my marriage was going to fail like all the other relationships I had. I ended up sticking it out in a relationship that was horrific just to prove my mom wrong. The shit people say to us effects us so much and sometimes, we don’t realize it until later. You may have periods of being alone. It happens. My best friend is bipolar and she’s sure about 65% of the time that no one will marry her because she can’t handle her swings, so who else can? But she has faith that she’ll find The One. And you should, too.
Well, I actually thoroughly believe I have found “the one”. We’ve been going at this for three years and still going strong. This is why these doubts, especially the looping ones, are so distressing, besides being unfounded and unsolicited. The anxiety and distress they elicit makes me overly sensitive and prone to snapping or antisocial behavior. I try not to blame my mom for everything but she did have a huge hand in my maladjustment, shame, fear, and communication issues.
> Date: Fri, 5 Oct 2012 16:28:13 +0000 > To: icewolfpuppy@msn.com >