So I went for that walk earlier this evening. Anpu was pleased I think, I feel like there’s something else He would like, but I feel like it’s not really urgent. Or even really important. I’m glad I went for the walk, I could probably do that more often. At the very least it’s good for me lol I’m tired, but this is one of those moments when part of my brain is being stubborn and refuses to march upstairs and sleep. *sigh* brain, this is one of the things you do when you’re getting bogged down by that gray fog that leads into the darkness…you’d think my brain would know it’s a trap by now right? About five years of this back and forth seesaw between anxious normalcy and the darker depths where anxiety sinks into the mire of slow terror as you’re consumed by the blackness. Hmm, I remember the first time, I didn’t even know what was really in my brain at the time. I remember just not feeling good or really happy and oh it got worse and it got better and it got really worse and oh how irritating such a demon can be.
I was on TC this afternoon, nothing unusual about that, reading some threads, including one about trusting inner voices. I think my real problem is learning to separate the friendly voices from the unfriendly ones. I don’t always have a problem listening to the good ones, it’s hearing them that’s the problem. It’s really hard to hear them over the loud prattling of the unfriendly ones. Sometimes I feel like they’re not even mine. And perhaps they’re not. Who knows, but if that…vision I had of my Depression as a more or less literal creature, give or take an ounce of reality, is a glimpse beyond the veil of this plane, well it would explain a lot and give me more ideas to combat it. Honestly I’d love to roll up a newspaper and crack it across its snarling face. I wish I could go for another walk under the moon and let Anpu snarl at this beast and scare it off. But I feel like it just loves that more, like punching a sadist in the face, they get more excited when you fight back because it’s more rewarding to squelch a fighter.
Ya know, one of my favorite anime, who’s manga I’ve meant to read, really has a beautiful way of illustrating monsters and darkness and the war between them and the perceived light. It’s conflict in and out of the mind and there is a force in it that can drive you mad and swallow you whole regardless of what side you’re on. It can also grant extensive power, but at the risk of corrupting or losing your soul. It’s called Soul Eater for those interested. It has a hell of a lot of humor, but you can’t escape from the serious parts because they blaze and command your attention. It does some moderate mind-fucking, there are times when you need to pay a lot of attention to the dialogue or you’re lost. There’s another anime called Ergo Proxy. It’s a violent, post-apocalyptic drama-adventure-philosophical anime that mind fucks you from episode one. If you blink you’ll miss something and even the end doesn’t quite resolve what the hell is going on. You absolutely have to be focused on the dialogue because it’s a serious dialogue show. It’s heavy shit, and I haven’t even watched all of it.
Other good anime for this stuff? Neon Genesis Evangelion and Wolf’s Rain. You want post-apocalyptic fighting and drama with an epic adventure of change and battle against the dark (which isn’t necessarily evil)? You got it with these anime. Lemme repeat, Soul Eater, Ergo Proxy, Neon Genesis Evangelion, and Wolf’s Rain. Honestly I would watch Soul Eater and Wolf’s Rain first, in that order. If you don’t like them you probably won’t like the other two. SE and WR at least have mostly clear plot lines and dialogue; EP and NGE don’t exactly have coherent dialogue or subplots that wire together into a clear story, especially because they’re philosophical. You have to like getting your brain twisted up and saying “WTF?!” a lot and then being startled by violence or even a sudden realization of what they were just talking about. If you don’t like rewinding to hear everything and really understand what is being said, you shouldn’t watch Ergo Proxy and Neon Genesis. If you’re into dark and heavy anime, Wolf’s Rain and Soul Eater are good bets and I could happily recommend more.